07x01 - Time Is on My Side

[bunniefuu]

What?

I'm starting to notice something about you.

You're still here!

What your father means is, you haven't seemed like yourself since you called off the wedding.

No. What I mean is, get out!

Well, I'm sorry. It's only been a week. It was kind of traumatic, you know?

Last night I only slept, like, nine hours.

Honey, we just... We want to know what your plans are.

I would've waited until next week to ask you, but apparently, some people agree to things and then just do whatever they want.

I've got some questions, I want answers.

What are you doing about moving out?

I don't know.

About Donna? I don't know.

Your job?

I don't know.

Your future?

Okay, I am gonna go ahead and hit you with an

"I don't know."

Then no food for you.

What? Red, he's so skinny.

Just take away his car.

No. I'm trying to teach the boy responsibility.

I want a plan out of you by tonight, or no dinner, either.

Dad, that's not... Wait. Mom, what's for dinner?

Fried chicken. Oh, come on!

Steven.

When are you moving out? Soon.

How's your girlfriend? Shallow as hell.

Job? Dead-end.

Future? Bleak.

Kitty, feed the boy.

j& Hanging out

j& Down the street

j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Oh, Donna, your hair is gonna look so fabulous.

It's weird. I actually feel different.

Well, now that you're not getting married, you have to re-energize yourself spiritually.

And making superficial changes is the best way to do that.

Hello.

Oh, come on. A sweater vest?

Jackie, if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all.

Well, if I followed that rule, I'd never speak again.

Yeah, that's kind of the idea.

Okay. Okay. I'm going.

You look like a circus poodle!

Hey, so, uh...

Look, I think we need to talk about us, since the matrimonial incident.

I mean, we've seen each other, but we haven't really talked about anything.

Yeah, but it's been nice, right?

I mean, I'm sick of talking about us.

And I'm not mad, because you were right.

I mean, we were about to make a huge mistake.

I can't live in a trailer with you.

I'd hear you going to the bathroom.

Yes, I had thought about that.

I was only going to go in a bottle after you were asleep, so...

See, remember when our relationship was the most fun thing in our lives?

And then we put all this pressure on it.

I wish we could just, you know, hang out without all that stuff.

Holy Mother of God.

Do you like it?

Are you kidding? Yes.

It's good.

I think it's, like, a sign that you're loosening up.

Like, maybe now you might like that thing I try in bed that makes you mad.

I won't.

I'll still try.

See, this is great.

Your perviness is our biggest problem now.

Just like the old days! Yes.

Exactly.

See, we should just hang out.

You know, get back in touch with ourselves.

That sounds dirty. Is it dirty?

Really, I'm serious.

I have a plan.

You have a plan? Perfect. I need a plan. What's your plan?

I'm gonna DJ at the radio station full-time, and rededicate myself to feminism.

At the radio station?

Is that... What?

Are you gonna play more Heart?

And other stuff.

Maybe some Benatar. Wow.

Whatever. I'm blonde now. I can do what I want.

Hello.

What are you doing with that sandwich?

I thought that we established that you needed a plan.

Oh, I've got a plan.

Donna is gonna work full-time at the radio station, and rededicate herself to feminism.

Feminists.

Equal pay's fine, but put a little lipstick on.

Whatever. Anyway, that's the plan. We came up with it this morning.

That's Donna's plan.

What's your plan?

My plan is to support Donna's plan.

Thought you had me there, didn't you?

Get out! Fine.

But know this, I will have my fried chicken.

How come you're making so many sandwiches?

Bulking up for the winter?

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

I didn't mean it like that.

No, see, it's like...

You're the mama bear, and I'm the papa bear.

We're bears!

Fine, we're not bears.

I'm sorry.

I made so many sandwiches, not because I am a fat, pre-hibernation bear,

but because Bob is coming over for lunch, and since he is still dating Pam and Midge, like some kind of gigolo, I didn't know how much food I would need.

Hey, everybody.

I think you know my date and former wife, Midge.

Bob, they know me.

It's me, Midge!

So, does this mean you two are back together?

Well, we've been talking things over and we're pretty close to working things out.

What is going on here?

Pam! Back off! He's mine!

That is not what you said to me in bed last night.

Well, you should have heard what he said to me last night in the hot tub.

You told me that you got up to get an ice cream cone.

I don't know why you're upset, I wasn't gone that long.

All right! Eric traded in Donna for a hot blonde!

Oh, crap!

She looks exactly like Donna!

That is Donna, you ding-dong.

Only now, she lets Forman do that thing he's been trying.

Eric! Hyde...

I said, "Maybe."

Your hair is beautiful. I want to touch it.

Hey! I can do this all day.

Okay, fine.

What? You don't like it? I like my women like I like my wine.

Red and full of alcohol.

Whatever. When I was a redhead, at the bakery, they'd give me a free donut.

But as a blonde, apple fritter.

So I'm gonna stay blonde for a while.

Now I'm gonna go to the bakery.

You're a lucky man, Forman.

Not only is Donna not mad, but as a bonus, she's fixed herself up all whore-y.

And I have an announcement.

Donna and I have decided we're not talking about our relationship anymore.

Hooray!

Bravo! Mazel Tov!

Finally, we'll have some time to talk about things I want to talk about.

Number one, cocoa butter.

It doesn't taste like cocoa or butter.

It's gonna be so great to be with Donna without all the talking, and the decisions and the labels.

You know, "Am I your fiance?" You know, "Am I your boyfriend?"

Hey, wait a minute.

Are you and Donna boyfriend and girlfriend, or not?

No, I'm saying, why put labels on it?

Are you dating, or can you see other people?

Why are you so interested?

He's trying to figure out if he can nail Donna.

Hyde!

Let me build up to it! Damn!

So, can I?

No.

Thanks for nothing, Hyde!

Eric, you really got it made with Donna. No responsibilities, no plans.

What a great way to live your life.

You know what? That is a great way to live your life.

Okay, you know what, you guys?

I figured out what I'm gonna do this year.

You're gonna be the first person to put on my human firecracker suit.

No, I'm talking... Wait. What is a firecracker suit?

Right. So, it's this suit. The... Wait.

You have to agree to wear it before I tell you.

I'm intrigued. We'll talk more later.

You guys, my dad said I had to have a plan this year, and now I have it.

I'm gonna take the year off.

Isn't that what Elvis said right before he d*ed on the toilet?

No, you guys, seriously. Look, rich kids do it, right?

After high school, they take a year off, go to Europe, figure out what they're gonna do.

I'm gonna do exactly that. Just go nowhere and do nothing.

So you're gonna be a bum? In the grandest European tradition! Yes!

Hey, why not?

He's young, he's got a free place to live, a girl that's way too hot for him.

Ride the ride, baby.

Exactly.

You know, this whole marriage thing has made me think.

Why am I in such a hurry to grow up?

You know, life, it's like a train.

It's bearing down on you, and guess what?

It's gonna hit you.

So you can either start running when it's far off in the distance, or you can pull up a chair, cr*ck open a beer, and just watch it come.

I did that once.

No, Kelso, not a real train.

A metaphorical one. Like a... Like a ghost train?

Yes.

A ghost train.

You know, I tell you, Red, I don't like this situation with Bob and two women.

I have put up with a lot of weird things in this neighborhood.

Hot tubs, wife-swapping, jogging...

Now I am drawing the line. You have to make Bob choose one woman.

Well, the choice is obvious. Pam.

Red, this isn't your decision, it's his.

And he has to pick Midge.

But Pam is so tan.

But, Red, if Bob picks Midge, he will reunite a shattered family, bringing their only daughter a glimpse of happiness for the first time in her life.

But Pam is so tan.

Forman?

Your whole year-off plan?

It's lazy, it's selfish, and it's gonna piss a lot of people off.

So, nice job.

Thank you. What are you gonna do for cash, man?

I mean, you know, rich kids, they have a trust fund.

All's you've got is some poorly assembled model airplanes.

I melted those.

I guess if I have to work, it's not a year off, so...

Maybe I can sell something.

Guys, what do I have that's worth any money?

Oh, Donna! I can sell your engagement ring!

She is going to k*ll him.

Fez, get out of the swing zone.

I got ten bucks on the girl.

And I mean Donna.

Actually, I have no problem with you selling it.

Donna, you are so amazing.

I swear, if I had created you in a laboratory, you could not say more perfect things.

Yeah, but then she'd have those bolts coming out of her neck.

Well, the only problem is, I don't have the ring.

What?

Well, when I was mad at you for blowing off the wedding, I threw it off the water tower.

Donna, that ring is a symbol of our eternal love for each other.

You were gonna sell it to finance a year of napping and boozing.

Yeah, that's true.

So...

Who's wrong here?

I think there's a little something wrong with all of us.

Okay. Well, if you threw the ring from up here, I mean, it's gotta be around here somewhere.

All right. Excuse me.

I am a police officer in training, so we're gonna do this by the book.

What book? You didn't read any book.

No, but I was assigned one.

k*lled four bees with it.

All right, what we're gonna do is we're gonna recreate the scene.

Donna, Eric has just let you down in a big way.

You're up on this tower.

You've had a few beers, so you're starting to feel a little loose, and very, very vulnerable.

Okay, sounds about right. Okay.

Do you wanna make out?

Kelso, I thought you were recreating the scene.

I'm taking the scene in a new direction.

Okay. Okay, let's just get to the part where she threw the ring.

Okay.

So, what we're gonna do here is we're gonna throw an M&M into the woods in place of the ring.

Wherever it lands, we'll search there first.

Fez, give him the M&Ms, man.

Yeah, about that...

Whose dumb idea it was to let me hold the M&Ms?

All right. Instead of the candy, we will throw my keys into the woods.

Oh, crap. I just threw my keys into the woods!

Sure did.

Why didn't somebody say something?

So that you'd throw your keys into the woods.

Oh, wait. That's a good burn.

I had very little to do with it.

Okay, Bob, what the hell are you doing up on your roof?

Hiding from my girlfriends.

This afternoon, we were all talking about our favorite juices.

Pam said her favorite juice was cranberry.

Midge said she liked apple.

To avoid trouble, I said my favorite was CranApple.

They viewed that as cheating, and now I'm on the roof.

Kitty and I think that you should choose between Pam and Midge.

And when I say Kitty and I, I mean, just Kitty.

And when I say choose between Pam and Midge, I mean, choose Pam.

It's tough. I really love Pam.

But Midge is Donna's mother. How can I turn my back on that?

Look, just give me a name. I gotta take something back to Kitty.

So don't go home, stay here.

I'm not gonna spend the day hiding on the roof like a damn pigeon.

I got beer.

Well, it is peaceful up here.

All right. Did anybody find anything?

I found a pair of my sister's panties.

I knew they were hers because they had her name and phone number in them.

Girl's gotta advertise.

You guys, I'm starving, okay? I haven't eaten all day.

Here. Oh!

Oh, thanks, Fez.

Yeah, good Cheetos.

Really? 'Cause I found them in the woods, and they were damp.

Like something peed on them.

Awesome! Eric ate Peetos!

Okay, look, I don't wanna start anything, but had you bought Donna a decent-sized diamond, we would have found it by now.

The ring was pretty small, man.

Whenever I saw it, I thought Donna was really far away.

She was standing right next to me.

Yeah, when I first saw it, I said, "Donna, there's dust on your ring."

Then I realized that was the ring.

Guys, guys, stop.

You don't find it soon, a mosquito's going to eat it.

Okay, I love the ring.

It was petite, not showy.

Thank you.

Well, you know, Donna has a thing for miniatures.

Okay, you guys, enough about the ring.

Obviously, it was enough for me to pay for my year off.

And according to Esquire, sweater vests are in.

Whoa! Jackie, help!

Oh, get away! You touched Peetos!

He touched Peetos!

You know what? Falling off that water tower was a sign.

The minute I stopped working hard, I accomplished exactly what I needed to do.

I found the ring.

And, if you're gonna land on a diamond, it's best to land on the smallest one ever made.

Well, I'm afraid your schoolyard insults have no power here, child.

I'm a whole new me.

Tougher, braver and louder.

I'm gonna go tell my dad what's what, and get my gosh-darn fried chicken.

Okay, Donna, here's the situation.

I have to choose between Pam and Midge, and it's a very personal and intimate decision that only I can make.

It's really scary, so I'd like you to do it.

Dad, I can't choose for you.

Come on. You choose my shirts, choose my lady love.

Mom, where are you going?

Bob, I saw how hard you struggled to get on the roof earlier, what with the kicking and the wiggling.

I realized that it was time for me to go home and give you and Midge a chance.

You're one fine lady.

Well, I'll miss you, Bob.

And, honey, it's scary to be on my own, but if you come with me, I know I can do it.

Oh, Mom, I would love to come home with you!

Oh, good.

You're the only one who can explain things to the maid!

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm here to earn my dinner.

What am I doing about Donna?

We're hanging out.

What am I doing about my job?

I quit.

What am I doing about my future?

Nothing.

When am I moving out?

Make me.

Hey, Fez, I think I have something in my eye.

Is it Donna's engagement ring?

No, no, it's too big for that.

Hey, maybe we should get some doctors' masks, so we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.

Okay, okay. Donna, you thought the engagement ring was big enough, right?

Burn!

I didn't say anything.

So say something.

It could've been bigger.

Burn!