02x09 - Family Dynamics And A Red Fiero

[bunniefuu]

In tenth grade, high school students are presented with picking a class of their own choosing.

This is called an elective.

Courses on offer included wood shop...

I'm happy with ten fingers, thank you.

Introduction to agriculture...

I think you know the answer to that.

Wrestling...

I'd rather milk that cow.

All of which led me to the elective I reluctantly chose...

Psychology 101, an investigation into why people think and feel the way they do.

Ugh.

All right, with Thanksgiving weekend approaching, it's the perfect opportunity to observe family dynamics and how our parents, relatives and siblings affect us.

Now, the...

Yes, Sheldon.

I don't find that interesting.

Well, tough knuckles, that's the assignment.

Now, you'll all be expected to collect data on your family, form a hypothesis, and make a prediction.

So you're giving us homework for Thanksgiving?

Yes.

Oh, boy!

Hey, listen, something came up today that we need to talk about.

What's that?

I maybe have a sh*t at a better job.

Oh, George, they're finally gonna make you head coach?

Better than that.

Special Teams Coach, University of Tulsa.

In Oklahoma?

That is where they're keeping Tulsa these days.

No need to be lippy.

You're not seriously thinking about moving this whole family to Oklahoma, are you?

It's 400 miles away, I wasn't gonna commute.

Well, that's not gonna work.

The kids are all settled in with school and friends, and I've got my job at the church, and then there's Mom.

Am I supposed to just walk away from her?

No, what you're supposed to do is support my efforts to improve our life.

Notes for psychology paper.

What you doing?

Shh.

Family conflict has been observed.

Subject M and Subject D have opposing views on relocating.

You better not be recording over my Janet Jackson tape.

Would you please?

Who's Subject M and Subject D?

I can't tell you that, you might skew the results.

Okay, then tell me what skew means.

Are you going to talk the whole time?

It seems to be annoying you, so, yeah.

Mary, I just can't thank you enough for inviting me today.

You're very welcome, John.

Love having you here.

Last Thanksgiving, I just sat in my apartment all by myself and ate a turkey sandwich.

That is so sad.

Well, it wasn't at the time, but now that I have something to compare it to, I realize what a pathetic loser I was.

You were never a loser.

Yeah, you were.

Hey, Georgie, you have any sentimental attachment to this town?

I don't know, why?

I'm just curious if, you know, we ever did pick up and live somewhere else, how you'd feel about it.

Well, if it was Hawaii, I'd feel pretty great.

That's where they make Magnum, P.I.

I don't think Hawaii's in the cards.

How about Miami?

Let me guess, 'cause of Miami Vice?

Golden Girls.

Course.

Car.

I saw this one where Blanche dates this little guy who breaks up with her 'cause she's not Jewish.

So good.

Forget about Miami and Hawaii and Blanche.

I mean, how do you feel about not staying in Medford forever?

Well, I guess I'd be okay with it.

All right.

Good to know.

Subject D is attempting to influence Subject G regarding relocating.

What about you, Sheldon?

What about me what?

Could you ever see yourself leaving Medford?

I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm unable to express an opinion at this time.

Why not?

In the interest of science, I have to remain a neutral observer.

Glad I asked.

Hey, fellows, may I join?

Sure.

Here you go.

Dang, nice catch.

Car.

Listen, I'm gonna need your help with something.

Is it about money?

No.

Then I'm your gal.

What's up?

George is up for a coaching job at the University of Tulsa.

Tulsa?

Ugh.

Last year, I lost $800 on that damn team.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm fine with most of the Division I stuff, but these independent teams, I j...

I just can't seem to get a handle on it.

You think if George got that job he might give me an inside line?

Mom.

Well, I'd cut him in, make it look like a Christmas present.

Would you please listen to me?

If we move up there, other than holidays, you're not gonna see your grandkids.

Oh, that's a point.

You make it sound like a Sophie's Choicekind of deal.

During dinner, maybe you could express how devastating it would be to be away from the kids.

Well, I don't think I'd use the word "devastating." That doesn't sound like me.

Okay, well, use whatever word you want.

I might use...

"heartbroken." Good, use that.

Yeah, maybe.

Have you got a thesaurus?

Oh, dear.

Don't be scared, Sheldon, it's just a parade.

I already don't like dogs.

Gigantic and floating does not help.

- Hey, how's the parade?

- Great.

Alf is one of the hosts.

Alf, cool.

Hey, so listen, how attached are you to living here in Medford?

I don't know what that means.

If we moved away, do you have really good friends that you'd miss a lot?

I have really good friends, but I think they would mostly miss me.

'Cause you make friends wherever you go.

I do.

People are drawn to me.

Ugh.

Sorry, I'm neutral.

Okay, so what I'm hearing is that you'd be happy no matter where we lived.

I guess.

Dad, please, I'm trying to watch TV.

Sorry.

I'll leave you to it.

Oh dear, Big Bird.

You're making a sandwich?

I'm a creature of habit.

Hey, why don't we all go around the table and say what we're thankful for?

Come on, really?

Yes, really.

I'll start.

I'm thankful to be surrounded by my loving family.

What about that guy?

That guy...

Dr. Sturgis...

Is part of our extended family.

Mm, thank you.

And I'm also thankful for this warm and comfy home that God has blessed us with and this great neighborhood with my mom living right across the street, and of course our excellent school system that provides our children with a world-class education.

Missy?

I'm thankful that there's two different Ghostbustercartoons.

That's it?

Unless you know about a third one.

Okay, my turn.

Um, I am so thankful to be able to watch my grandchildren grow up.

And I can't even tell you how much it means to me that y'all live right across the street.

And if y'all weren't, I would just be... heartbroken.

And not just heartbroken...

Crestfallen and chagrined.

And, uh, I'm also thankful for my health, that that mole on my hip turned out to be nothing, and, uh, I'm very thankful for John here, who has brought so much happiness to me.

That's it for me.

Oh, my.

Aw, lovely, Mom.

Oh, my, I don't know where to begin.

Well, first of all, I'm thankful to you, Connie, for how you make me laugh, make me feel cared for, all the ways you're affectionate to me that I can't discuss in-in front of children because that would be inappropriate, right?

Right.

And I'm thankful to be here with your wonderful family.

This is something I didn't experience growing up.

See, my father was away a great deal on business and it was just me and my mother and she was a cold and distant woman who blamed the world for her club foot.

Sweetie.

And I...

Wrap it up.

Sorry.

My gratitude knows no bounds.

Thank you.

Georgie?

Um, I'm thankful for my job at the auto shop.

Uh, let's see...

Oh, Alyssa Milano from Who's the Boss?

She's really hot.

Mm...

That's about it.

That's wonderful.

Shelly?

I'm sorry, Mom, but if I answer that question, I'd be violating my experimental protocol.

Okay, moving on.

George?

Well...

I'm thankful to share Thanksgiving dinner with my family, of course.

I'm also thankful for this fine country we live in and all the opportunities it provides us.

Especially when those opportunities come once in a lifetime and require taking a small risk and believing in one another.

We're really gonna do this now?

Hey, you started it with all that school system crap.

I only did that because you've been trying to twist the kids' heads around.

All right, who talked?

Who do you think?

Missy.

Yup.

Well, it doesn't matter because you obviously went to your mother and made her your stalking horse.

Of course she went to me.

Move to Oklahoma, what's wrong with you?

Wait, we're moving to Oklahoma?

I thought Texans don't like Oklahoma.

You're damn right we don't.

What's wrong with Oklahoma?

I'll tell you later.

Okay, that's enough of this.

Nobody's moving anywhere.

Let's just have a nice, quiet dinner.

That's it?

Y-You're gonna make the decision for me?

I'm making a decision for us.

All right, then.

Where are you going?

George.

George!

As we sat in silence, I had a horrible realization.

For the first time in my life, I didn't look forward to doing my homework.

Just watch the TV.

Second down, nine...

Difficult day.

Yes.

Psychology?

Is that a new interest of yours?

It was either this or milking cows.

Oh.

I once was licked by a cow.

You made the right choice.

I'm not so sure.

Why is that?

Well, I was supposed to observe family dynamics over Thanksgiving for my hypothesis, then make a prediction.

Oh.

All right.

So, um, what did you observe?

My mom and dad arguing over moving to Oklahoma for my dad's job.

I would concur with that observation.

Now, can you form a hypothesis based on that?

Well, their marriage is a zero sum game.

What's good for my father isn't good for my mother and vice versa.

Excellent.

And your prediction?

Well, based on previous arguments I've observed, my father will try to reassert his dominance by making a meaningless symbolic gesture.

Really?

That seems a bit of a stretch.

I will never question you again.

Are you insane?

We can't afford a Ferrari.

It's a Fiero.

Ferrari, Fiero, same thing.

Not really.

Now, do you mind?

I'm trying to watch the game.

Everybody's going to Meemaw's.

Come on.

Leave that tin can...

It's not like we haven't heard them fight before.

Just keep moving.

Are we sleeping there?

Do I need to bring pajamas?

Just sleep in your underwear.

In my underwear?

I hardly think so.

Wait, I forgot something.

Just so you know, you're sleeping out here tonight.

Perfect, then I won't have to move.

I just want to thank you for a lovely dinner.

Come on!

Good.

Come on!

You kids excited to go back to school?

Of course I am.

He doesn't speak for me.

What are you doing?

Having coffee.

Uh, no, not in my house.

Oh, come on, the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.

Put it down.

I can't drink coffee, I can't chew tobacco, is there anything I can do?

Yeah, quit talking.

Where's Dad?

He went to Oklahoma for that job interview.

I thought you put your foot down on that one.

Just keep eating your breakfast.

You really think we might move there?

I don't know what to think.

Spending the Thanksgiving weekend working in my family's convenience store, I observed my father and mother working from 6:00 in the morning till 10:00 at night.

My hypothesis was that economic advancement for immigrant families is more important than celebrating a holiday where people eat until they pass out in front of the TV.

All right, Tam.

Well, based on your observations and hypothesis, were you able to make a prediction?

Yes.

At some point, my father would die prematurely from stress.

And my mother will come live with me, where she will constantly disapprove of my hot, blonde, American wife.

Okay.

Uh, I think we all learned something there.

Uh, thank you, Tam.

Uh, Mr.

Cooper, you're up.

Beginning on Wednesday night, I observed my parents arguing over the possibility of us moving to Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Ugh, Oklahoma.

The argument escalated and then my father stormed out and bought a Fiero.

And then I went to my Meemaw's and slept in my underwear!

That's it; I've wasted my life.

You want to tell me what happened?

Instead of remaining a neutral observer, I got emotional in front of the whole class.

Well, that's not a big deal.

Yes, it is; I'm a scientist.

You never hear about Newton crying like a baby when he got brutalized by an apple.

I think you're being a little tough on yourself.

I wonder why this is affecting me so much.

Well, maybe it has something to do with your parents arguing.

Us moving?

I don't think so.

Texas, Oklahoma... what's the difference?

Hey, now, I think you might want to cr*ck open your psychology textbook 'cause that there is crazy talk.

I did read a chapter on repressing emotions.

I suppose I could've been doing that to avoid dealing with the fear of change, and moving would certainly be a big change.

That's very astute.

I'd have a new room, in a new house, and the new house would probably have a different smell, and I probably wouldn't like that smell because I don't like new smells, and I'd be going to a new school with new kids and new teachers, and I bet they'd all smell different, as well.

Okay, now calm down.

That's easy for you to say.

Your olfactory senses aren't about to be assaulted by the state of Oklahoma.

Okay, let's try a different approach.

Can I take you to get some ice cream?

I'm having an emotional crisis, Meemaw!

You can't fix that with ice cream.

Right.

Sorry.

You want to go to Radio Shack?

Yes, I want to go to Radio Shack!

Well, sir, that's the tour.

What do you think, nicer than East Texas?

Very impressive.

Not sure how you did it, but that is the least disgusting locker room I've ever been in.

Yes, sir.

Every bit of it's brand, spanking new.

I bet if you had to, you could even eat lunch in there.

So what do you say, George?

I could sure use a man with your track record to coach special teams.

Please.

Thank you.

I got to say, I'm real tempted.

How does the family feel about relocating?

Oh, they're all pretty excited about the opportunity.

The kids see it as an adventure.

So why am I feeling like you got some hesitation?

If it's about the money, I believe I can get you some more money.

No, no, no, the money's good.

Well, that's it, then.

You're gonna fit in perfectly with our program here.

We got a lovely little house for you and your family, and best of all, you're gonna be out of Texas.

I thought you started out in Houston?

Shh.

I'm trying to fit in around here.

So we have a deal?

What happened?

Can I take my coat off?

No.

What happened?

I turned it down.

Why?

'Cause you're afraid of Mom?

'Cause I don't want to live in Oklahoma.

George.

What difference does it make, Mare?

We're not moving.

As a child, I never understood the sacrifices my father made for his family's happiness, which made me somewhat less compassionate than I should've been.

Yay!

We're not moving!

We're staying in Texas!

- John?

- Yes?

Could we do it just one more time?

Really?

I don't want you to get tired of it.

I won't.

Please?

Well, I can't say no to you.

Fire in the hole.

Unbelievable.

Again, again.