07x18 - Oh, Baby We Got a Good Thing Goin'

[bunniefuu]

Man, I am so psyched for this auto show.

I'm telling you, once I trick out my El Camino, it is going to be bad freaking ass.

You know, tricking out sounds a lot like accessorizing.

Hey, don't ever call it that, all right?

But, yeah, that's basically what it is.

Kitty, I'm begging you to stop.

There's gonna be hundreds of auto parts salesmen, and now that I have the muffler shop, they're gonna be getting in line to kiss my butt.

Well, and they will be happy to kiss it because everything from my house is spotless.

All right, I'm getting in the car, I'm counting to 60, and if you're not there, I'm leaving.

Ah. The honeymoon speech again.

I can't forget my book.

You know, this new Jackie Collins romance really gives me a case of the tingles.

Mrs. Forman, please, your tingles are your own business.

You move into my house, you hear about my tingles.

Jackie, I hope you brought a book.

When we get to the auto show, the guys are gonna ignore us.

Mrs. Forman, I'm a beautiful girl with a shrill, demanding voice.

I'm pretty hard to ignore.

Okay, but we can't compete with a bunch of cars.

Wheels are like bosoms to men, and a car has four.

I'm getting better.

Leo, check it out. It's my baby.

Oh, this is Brooke. Oh, isn't she adorable?

Yeah.

I can see why you knocked her up.

Michael, thanks again for watching Betsy. Everyone else was busy.

Thanks for trusting me.

Yeah.

It's my first time. I'm pretty nervous. I tried on three outfits.

No, you guys will be great. All little girls love their daddies.

Plus, I bet you'll probably like a lot of the same toys.

Oh, I'm late.

Oh, yes.

Hi.

Bye, bye, Betsy-pie. Mommy loves you.

Yes, she does. Yes, she does. All right, hand her over.

You're so attached. Just... Oh!

Look, don't worry. All she does is sleep.

It's like taking care of a bowling ball.

I don't like bowling, man.

You throw the ball down there and it keeps coming back.

It's spooky, man.

Okay, Donna, I just spent the last 10 minutes cologning and powdering myself.

Now, let's peel them and feel them.

We can't because Fez is here.

Yeah. I'm here and you can't.

Fez, buddy, come on.

You of all people should understand how important sex is to a man.

Why should you do it if I can't? Because I have a girlfriend.

Why should you have a girlfriend if I can't?

Okay, how are we gonna work this out? Give her to me.

Guys, check it out. Brooke finally let me take care of Betsy.

We're gonna stay here for the day, okay?

No. Come on. Donna and I have a "do it" day planned.

Yeah, and I think I got a piece of this.

Look, why don't you do it at your house?

I can't. My brother's friends are over there, and they're playing darts, and they don't use a dartboard.

They just run around and throw them at each other.

Okay, Donna, I'm gonna go upstairs and change into something sexy.

Now either you come join me in 60 seconds, or I'm gonna have to start without you, and we both know how awkward it is when you walk in on that.

What's this?

That's breast milk. Don't touch it.

Breast milk? From real breasts?

What don't they do?

Kelso, she's so adorable.

Why is she making that weird face?

It's poo!

It smells in there, too. It's everywhere.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

We have to dispose of the dirty diaper.

Shark.

Shark.

What do you want me to do with it? Just chuck it.

What about the shark? Chuck it. Chuck it all.

Why is she still crying? We just changed her.

Maybe she doesn't like you. Baby burn.

No. I know what it is.

We left her teddy bear at my house. I'll go get it. Here.

Um...

Aren't you gonna take her with you?

No, I can't take Betsy in my car.

I took out the seat belts to make it go faster.

Okay, don't grab those. I'm not your mommy.

Yeah, a lady once said that to me on the bus.

Well, it wasn't a lady. It was more like a man lady.

It's hard to tell sometimes, you know?

Why tell this story, Fez?

Why?

Yeah, man, look at this place. Chrome, tires, half-dressed women.

It's like Sunday dinner at my grandma's house.

All right, salesmen, pucker up.

Red Forman's ass is in the building.

Okay, well, mine's gone. I give yours about 30 seconds.

All right, Jackie, so let's start off looking at new tires.

Then after lunch, you can help me pick out an obnoxiously loud car stereo.

Wait, you're gonna spend the day with Jackie?

Yeah, man. She's my chick. All right, I'm gonna go get us a funnel cake.

But listen, this is a rough crowd, all right?

So if any guys come up to you and offer to teach you how to drive a stick, just say no and pull the fire alarm.

Told you he wouldn't ditch me. I'm his chick.

Jackie, he's a man.

Accept the fact that he is not coming back.

When I was in labor, Red went to get me ice chips.

I didn't see him for an hour-and-a-half because he found a pinball machine.

No way. But it's fine.

I laugh about it now.

I do.

I will.

It's just not that funny.

I think she's out. Well, in that case...

Eric, we can't do that with her in here.

What? Come on. She's fast asleep.

And it's been over a week for us.

Donna, you can only keep the tiger in its cage for so long.

Yeah, that's right. I'm calling it a tiger now.

Crap, the baby's awake. No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, Betsy, close your eyes because Aunt Donna and Uncle Eric are gonna do it.

Eric, you are seriously disturbed.

We have to take care of her. No, no, come on. She's fine.

You can't put the tiger back in his cage now, Donna.

He's all agitated.

How can a crying baby not turn you off?

Two words, Donna, eight teen. Nothing turns me off.

Yeah?

Hey, Fez.

Why are you staring at that milk?

It's from a breast.

Simply remarkable.

Okay, you're clearly a demented pervert so let me ask you something.

Would you be able to have sex with a baby in the room?

No way. I can barely do it with a woman in the room.

Congratulations, Eric. You're more despicable sexually than Fez.

Okay, Donna, here's the thing.

I'm a man, so my on-off switch is always on.

Now you can either deal with that, or you can switch to girls.

Donna, if that's your baby, I'm gonna snap Eric in half.

Dad, don't you think you would have noticed if I was pregnant?

Not really. I'm not that hands-on of a dad.

Anyhoo, I bought a hammock and put it up in the den

'cause it's too cold outside. Now I need someone to push me.

Sure, I'll push you in the hammock, Bob.

Then I'll climb up a tree and pluck you a fresh coconut.

I don't think so, Bob.

Okay, it's your loss, but I'm a big tipper.

Okay. I got Betsy's teddy bear, and it wasn't easy dodging my brothers.

I got a dart in the calf.

Oh, here's my little girl.

Hey, baby, look.

Look, it's your teddy bear and your handsome daddy.

Why won't she stop crying?

Maybe it is me.

What if she doesn't like me?

Kelso, don't take it personally.

I didn't like you when I first met you.

But that's because you were peeing on my swing set.

Well, it was brand-new and I was jealous.

One funnel cake, extra sugar.

Oh, Steven, I knew you'd come back, and to show you how thankful I am, I'm gonna feed you a piece.

Oh, get a room.

Did you see Red? He didn't come back yet?

That's weird. He was in front of me in the funnel cake line.

What the...

Okay, gals, say, "Funnel cake."

Funnel cake.

Oh, my God.

There goes the fun.

Well, I hope you're happy, Red Forman, because we are leaving.

You two, get your A-S-Ss back to the car.

You two, get your B-double-O-Bs off my husband.

I can't believe that looking in this mirror isn't putting her in a great mood.

It always works for me.

Man, am I glad I found you guys.

All these houses look alike.

Except for that red one on the corner where the clown lives.

That's a McDonald's.

Well, whatever his name is, he's funny.

Hey, what's with the baby, man?

I don't know. I can't get her to quit crying.

Here, let me try.

Yeah.

There.

How did you do that?

Babies love me, man, 'cause I'm fuzzy.

I'll go give her a bottle.

That proves it. My own baby hates me.

That's not true.

She only stopped crying when Leo held her because he has the shakes.

No. It's me.

She hardly knows me, and a girl needs her father, you know, for guidance.

What happens if she grows up and starts dating, like, Fez?

Boy, if she looks anything like you, she'll be way out of my league.

Kelso, if you really feel like that, you should start getting to know her now.

Go hold her.

You're right.

Leo?

Oh, my God. They're gone.

Everybody. Everybody, just stay calm.

The breast milk is safe.

Are they outside?

Not in the driveway, but Eric went to check the park.

And they're not upstairs.

Although I did find Kitty's special occasion panties hanging on the towel bar.

There's a lot more going on up there than we think.

How could I let this happen?

I am the worst father ever.

Betsy?

No, Michael, it's me. I'm calling to check in. How's she doing?

How's she doing? Fine. God, quit smothering her.

Hey, put the phone to her ear, let me say hi.

It's Brooke. She wants to talk to the baby.

Give me.

Hey, Mama, send more milk.

Was that Fez?

Yeah. We're just messing around.

Betsy, she's sleeping. She's...

Yeah. She's sleeping like a little...

Something that sleeps a lot.

Okay. Well, just give her a kiss for me, and I'll see you later.

Okay.

You guys, what am I gonna do? I'm...

I'm really starting to freak out.

All right, Kelso, just relax.

She's with Leo. He's great with kids.

I'm sure he's watching her like a hawk.

Oh, little sweetie.

What are you doing in my house, hippie?

Are you sure this is your house?

Of course it's my house.

I believe you.

The guy screaming usually owns the house.

All right, when Kitty shows up, she's gonna be pretty mad.

So I think we should just leave her here.

She can't get any madder.

I think we should definitely leave her here.

Kitty.

They tried to leave you. I tried to stop them.

Jackie, I'm perfectly fine.

I just need to speak to Red in the car for a minute.

How could you, Red Forman?

Steven stayed with Jackie, but you went off and gave my funnel cake to those whores.

I was just trying to have a little fun.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you can take your fun and shove it up your...

Michael, I just want to talk to my daughter.

I'm sorry, Brooke. She's still asleep.

Kelso, tell her the truth or I'm gonna touch you with Mrs. Forman's special occasion panties.

Oh, those are in my backpack.

Okay.

Brooke, about Betsy.

There's something I have to tell you.

Anyone lose a baby? I found her.

"You found her"?

No, I said, "I love her."

That is not what you said. - You know what?

You never listen to me. I'm hanging up.

Kelso, you did say you found her.

You know, you women all stick together.

I think she wants her daddy.

It's okay.

Daddy's here.

Do you hear that?

She stopped crying.

I think she knows it's me. And I think she likes me.

That's so beautiful.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this.

Listen, Kitty, I'm sorry about today. It's just...

They pay those ladies to flirt with guys like me.

They're almost hookers.

I should have stayed in the den.

No, no, no. Those girls didn't bother me.

I can outlast those tramps any day of the week.

It was just seeing Steven and Jackie together.

Oh, you can't compare our mature relationship to what those kids have.

We're past all those highs and lows.

We're like a sailboat in a dead calm.

Look, Kitty, the important thing is every morning I get to wake up next to my favorite girl in the whole world.

Reginald Albert Forman.

Whoa.

Okay, how about that? On or off?

Yeah, that's a showstopper.

Oh, that's too bad 'cause it really turns me on.

No, get... God, get off of me.

Who loves you?

Your daddy does, that's who.

Well, I can't remember the last time you made that much of a fuss over me.

Oh, there's my baby girl.

Mommy missed you.

Yeah, I don't want to let her go.

She's so beautiful and warm.

Well, apparently I'm ugly and cold.

Oh, here. Look at her smiling. There we go.

Oh, I'm so happy she loves her daddy.

Yeah. Yes, it is.

Hey, listen.

I know I haven't been around much, but that's gonna change

'cause she's my girl and I wanna know her.

That would be awesome.

I got it. Grab her stuff. I'll go put her in the car.

Yeah. Here.

Thanks.

You need help, man.

Yes, I do.

I hate myself.

But the money's just so good.

Little faster so it stirs my drink.