SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS
Pan across where J.D. is speaking to a woman who has her back to us.
J.D.'s Narration: Being a great doctor isn't just about medical knowledge, it's also about people skills.
J.D.: Wow, that is the worst broken nose I have ever seen.
Woman: [Annoyed] I'm here because I stepped on a nail.
J.D.: Of course.
We finally get a look at her and see J.D.'s reason for confusion. The woman has one very screwed up nose.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Were you walking on your nose?
J.D.: Unfortunately you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer, okay? 'Cause we admit people by severity of condition.
J.D. escapes to the front desk where Nurse Roberts is working.
J.D.: That was mortifying.
He flips up the hinged desktop without noticing the cup of coffee on it. The beverage flies through the air, splashing the waiting woman.
Woman: AAAAGGGGHHH! MY FACE! OWWWWWW! Owowowowowowow!
J.D.: You know, with the face burns we could probably admit you now. Laverne?
Nurse Roberts rushes around the desk to help the crying woman.
J.D. drops the desktop back down without noticing his other hand resting in the way.
J.D.: Agh!
J.D.'s Thoughts: [Pained] My "me time" hand!
Nurse Roberts ushers the woman to the back, passing a gabbing Elliot and Carla on their way out, with Turk trailing behind.
Carla: Oh, and two, you know, Friday night there's a chamber orchestra playing in the courtyard of the museum.
Elliot: Oh, I'd love that!
Carla: You wanna go?
Elliot: Oh my God, I love Pachelbel!
Carla: We can go right after....
Turk and J.D. watch the two natter excitedly. They're drowned out by...
J.D.'s Narration: Carla and Elliot were going through their weekly ritual of making plans they were never going to keep.
Elliot: ...Um...
Carla: We should have dinner beforehand.
Elliot: Perfect!
They continue on, but are again drowned out by...
J.D.'s Narration: And since Turk knew these were fake plans, he used the opportunity to score bonus points with his wife. Classic husbanding.
Turk: Hey, baby! You know what? Forget dinner -- I'll make you a homemade picnic basket.
Elliot: [Touched] Oh!
Carla: I married an amazing man.
Turk: You sure did! You know what? I've got an even better idea. Maybe J.D. and I can both come -- right? -- we'll wear sport coats, and you guys, beautiful dresses!
Elliot: Oh my God, I love that idea!
Carla: I love it. I love it. It's awesome. It's awesome!
The girls grab Turk by the hands and the three jump around in a giddy, squealing circle.
J.D.'s Narration: To be perfectly honest, so did I. I never get an opportunity to wear my houndstooth sports coat.
J.D. joins in the squealing circle.
===
TURK & CARLA & J.D.'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM -- EVENING
J.D. affixes his sport coat as he and Turk sit patiently.
J.D.'s Narration: Unlike Elliot and Carla, when Turk and I made plans we kept them.
Turk: It's 10 o'clock. You ready?
J.D.: Let's do it.
They each rise from their respective chair (J.D.) and sofa (Turk), and switch places.
J.D.'s Narration: But lately for us, our plans rarely involved leaving the apartment.
Turk: I wasn't too excited about taking over this spot after you sat in it for twenty minutes, but I gotta tell ya, it's warm in all the right places.
J.D.: Mm-hmm.
Turk: How do you like what I left you over there?
J.D.: Oh, man, your ass indentation is so deep, it's like I'm sitting in a giant inner tube.
J.D.'s Narration: As Turk and I recuperated from our big chair swap, I wondered what other couples were doing tonight. Did I just refer to Turk and I as a couple? My point is, I'm sure other couples were out having fun.
Meanwhile...
FANCY RESTAURANT
Dr. Cox and Jordan are having dinner.
Dr. Cox: You look so hot. When's the last time we kissed?
Jordan: About a month ago.
Dr. Cox: When's the last time we had sex?
Jordan: Yesterday.
Dr. Cox: Whatta you say we head into the bathroom of this place and lower the health code rating from an A to a B? Whatta you say?
She grins and he gets up and takes her hand. They run off.
J.D.'s Narration: I guess some people figure, What's the worst that can happen?
Flash to...
DR. COX'S APARTMENT -- MORNING
The couple sits on the couch in their bathrobes, critically eyeing a pregnancy test stick.
Dr. Cox: Well?
Jordan: It's blue. I'm not pregnant.
Dr. Cox: Ohh.
He gets up.
Jordan: You know what's weird? I'm relieved, I just feel...kinda sad, because I think about how beautiful our son is and I...kinda wish it had gone the other way, you know?
She looks around the empty apartment.
Jordan: Sweetie?
Flash to...
BUSY STREET
Dr. Cox runs down the center, beeping cars swerving around him.
Dr. Cox: [Elated] SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT CAME OUT BLUE! IT'S BLUE! SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT'S BLUE! IT CAME OUT BLUE!
===
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIALS
===
SACRED HEART, I.C.U.
J.D. and several nurses work on a flat-lined patient whose monitors are going wild.
J.D.: [Checking various vitals] The epi isn't working, I still don't have a rhythm. The transcutaneous pacer isn't capturing. Pupils are fixed and dilated; I'm calling it. Time of death: 9:17.
Eerie music comes up as a man in a robe, Jerry, comes up behind J.D. and surveys the scene.
Jerry: I always thought that when I d*ed I'd see a bright light or float above the ground. Turns out death is pretty mundane. I guess sometimes the end...is just the end.
J.D. rolls his eyes and the music stops.
J.D.: For the last time, Jerry, you're not dead! Okay? Now go back to your room!
Jerry shuffles off.
J.D. is joined by Turk and they both head out of the ward.
J.D.: Jerry has Cotard's, or "walking corpse," Syndrome. The guy thinks he's dead even though he's walking around.
They stop at the Nurses' Station.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I think I'll try to ask Turk something telepathically.
Hey, man, you wanna do something tonight?
Turk: Dude, yeah. Let's hang out and watch some TV. We got any beer?
J.D.: I think I used the last of it to make our special party ice.
Carla arrives.
Carla: Hey! If I accidentally put beer cubes in my orange juice again, there's gonna be trouble. I almost got a D.U.I. because of you guys!
Dr. Mickhead was wondering if you would cover his patient in 310? The guy was in some bar fight and has been unconscious since he got here. He was brought in by some brother from Ireland.
Turk: Do you mean an Irish brother or an Irish...bruthah?
J.D. thinks about that.
***FANTASY: Turk is dressed up like a leprechaun, doing a jig in the middle of the I.C.U.
Turk: Top of the mizzle to ya, me lizzles.
BACK TO REALITY***
Carla: I mean his sibling.
J.D.: Aw, man.
Cut to...
PATIENT'S ROOM
J.D. and Turk enter the room of the unconscious man, where another guy who looks a lot like Colin Farrell sits at the bedside.
J.D.: And you must be the Irish brother.
The guy gets up and shakes their hands.
Conscious Guy: [American accent] No, sir. Ron Pearson, Ohio born and bred. Yep, red-stater and proud of it.
Turk: Oh, sorry, we--
Conscious Guy: [Natural Irish accent] Only takin' the piss out of you, lads. Name's Billy Calahan. Had you goin' with the American accent, though, didn't I?
[Sits again.]
I'll just put it out there, do it as a favor, is there any chance I could get one of these [taps I.V. bag] filled with Guinness? I've an awful hangover, me head is split, we had a late night last night, as you can see, and I'm a bit shaky. Is there any chance?
J.D.: Probably not. We don't usually do that.
Billy: Oh. Okay.
===
I.C.U., NURSES' STATION
Carla is still working there as Elliot arrives.
Elliot: Carla.... I'm so bummed. I can't go see the chamber orchestra tonight -- I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class. And I would totally call and cancel, but the only thing I know how to say is "I'm allergic to peanuts."
Carla: Ohh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this!
Elliot: Oh.
The Janitor stops at the desk with a feather duster.
Janitor: Really? 'Cause about five seconds ago you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
Carla: Why would you do that to me?
Janitor: New thing: I'm bustin' chops.
He goes off again.
Carla snickers, embarrassed.
Elliot: So...you just forgot we even had plans?
Carla: What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.
Elliot: I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.
The Janitor swoops in again.
Janitor: But do you? Do you really?
Elliot gives him a "I thought you were my friend!" look.
Janitor: Bustin' chops.
He goes again.
Elliot: Fine! At least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them!
She leaves in a huff, passing Dr. Cox as he limps to the Station.
Carla: [Shouting after Elliot] Oh, yeah? Well, if I knew you were gonna flake on them, I would've never made plans to forget in the first place, 'cause you...
Dr. Cox: She's gone, Carla. It's over.
Carla: Where the hell have you been for the last few days?
Dr. Cox: Deep-sea fishing.
Carla: You hate fishing.
Dr. Cox: Went with my buddies.
Carla: You don't have any buddies.
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah? Well, we landed a two hundred pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
Conveniently, here's The Janitor again.
Janitor: Interesting. 'Cause that's three thousand miles from the natural habitat of the white marlin. Hmm. Well, perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod!
Dr. Cox: Why!?
Janitor: I'm bustin' chops today. You can ask anybody.
Carla: It's true.
Janitor: See?
He leaves again.
Carla: So what did you really do? And why are you limping?
Jordan pokes her head around the corner and spots Dr. Cox.
Jordan: [Waving] Perry!
She rushes over.
Dr. Cox: [Quickly to Carla] I got a vasectomy. Do not tell Jordan!
Jordan leaps into his arms, throwing her legs around his waist.
Jordan: Welcome back, Perry! Hi!
Dr. Cox: [Pained but covering] Ohhh, honey! Howwwww I missed you!
Jordan: [Kissing him] Mwah! Hi!
Dr. Cox: Ohhhh, hi!
===
NOURISHMENT STATION
Turk and J.D. are talking to Billy.
Turk: Come on, Billy, just say it.
Billy: For the last time, lads: no.
J.D.: Oh, then perhaps you're not really Irish.
Billy: FINE! Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers.
J.D.: See! I told ya!
J.D.
&: [High-fiving] Yeah!
Turk
J.D.: He's Irish!
Turk: Yeah he is, yeah he is!
Billy: How long're you two seeing each other? You're a great couple.
J.D.: Ohh, no, man, we're just living together. And not like, like, livin' together, I mean, like, liiiivin' together!
[Looks for an out.]
Hey, that is a cool tattoo, my brother!
Billy: Oh, yeah, I got this, I snuck onto a plane, thought it was going to Belgium, ended up in Kenya. Long story short, I hung out with this tribe; when the males go through adolescence, they get this tattoo. It means "alias."
J.D.: Oh, why "alias"?
Billy: It's their favorite show.
J.D.
&: Ohhhh.
Turk
Billy: I'm only kiddin'. I don't know what it means.
J.D. and Turk mutter their assent.
Billy: Enough about me. What about you lads, you know, saving lives here all day every day? Out at night, givin' out a lash, tearin' it up? You do go out at night, don't ya?
***FLASHBACK: TURK & J.D.'S APARMENT -- EVENING
The two tear it up by playing "Go Fish."
J.D.: Do you have any sevens?
There's no response from Turk, his head tipped back and sleeping.
J.D.: Turk!
Nothing. J.D. takes a peek at his hand.
J.D.: You have lots of sevens!
He takes the cards he needs.
BACK TO PRESENT***
J.D.: We tear it.
Turk: And--and--and sometimes lash, but with the hours we work, it's....
J.D.: It's less tearing and more folding.
Turk: Right.
J.D.: Gently folding.
Turk: Yeah.
Billy: Lads! You're sleepin' off and you're dead and buried. You have to get out in the streets, you have to talk to a stranger. Drink a beer with breakfast! Take the ugliest girl home at the party!
J.D.: Done it! Done that. That one I've done.
Billy: Go travelin' to Texas, you know? Go line dancing with some married women that wish they weren't married. You never know what life would put in your lap when you open your arms and embrace it!
He goes off down the hall.
J.D.: "You'll be surprised what'll fall in your lap if you open up and embrace life..."
Turk: Dude.
J.D. looks over at Billy making out with Elliot.
J.D.: Elliot!
Elliot: [Slightly guilty] He said my eyes look like the Irish countryside after a soft rain. Ahem. I should go.
She takes off.
J.D.: That happened very quickly.
Turk: Don't even sweat it. It's Elliot. She's desperate!
J.D.: Dude.
Turk looks over at Billy about to make out with Carla.
Turk: Baby!
Carla: What? What? I wasn't gonna do anything! He said my hair was curly.
Billy: Your hair is curly.
She smiles and starts to lean in again.
J.D.
&: BABY!
Turk
Carla: Okay!
She takes off, leaving Billy slightly confused.
===
FIRST FLOOR HALL
Dr. Cox and Jordan walk through.
Dr. Cox: What, uh, what did you do around the apartment while I was gone?
Jordan: Oh! I turned your little office into my pajama closet, I threw out everything in the 'frigerator that had the word "jerky" or "whiz" on it, I got rid of all your clothes that make you look like you're twenty years old -- don't worry, I saved your hockey jerseys. Although I did move them into my new...pajama closet! And for some reason none of the remotes work anymore. And why are you limping?
He turns to face her.
Dr. Cox: Fishing? I'm limping from fishing.
Dr. Kelso comes up behind Cox.
Dr. Kelso: I know that limp.
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. Bob, no.
Dr. Kelso: You just got a vasectomy! I had mine done back in '68. Ironically, that was the same year that Enid discovered pasta and I discovered I'm not attracted to enormous women.
Dr. Cox: I didn't just get a vasectomy.
Dr. Kelso: Come on, soldier! If I have to force you to drop your pants, I will!
So, tell Bobbo, was it a hard decision for the two of you to make?
***FLASHBACK: EXAM ROOM
Dr. Cox waits on the table as the urologist comes around with a chart.
Dr. Cox: Snip it, doc. Snip it hard.
BACK TO PRESENT***
Jordan looks hard at Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we...we really...struggled...with it.
Dr. Kelso: I don't really care.
===
CAFETERIA
As Billy is selecting something from the food line, he notices Carla noticing him from her table.
Billy: You l'right, love?
Carla: [Waving] Mmm.
Across from Carla, Elliot stops her waving at Billy to notice her competition for his attention.
Elliot: Why are you waving? You're married.
Carla: So what? Married people can't wave now?
Elliot: You can wave like this: [Demonstrates a stiff-fingered happy wave.] You can't wave like this: [Demonstrates a curl-fingered seductive wave] Mmm.
Carla: I didn't know you were a waving expert. What plans of ours did you flake on to go to that waving seminar?
Elliot: Oh, why are you asking me? Did you forget?! You big plan forgetter.
Besides, I don't need to go to a waving seminar to know that this wave [seductive wave] is internationally known as "I am a married woman whose self esteem has plummeted because nobody looks at me anymore, and so I'm acting like a desperate hussy."
Carla: Oh, snap! [Flies out of her seat.] Did you just call me a hussy!?
Elliot rises to face her.
Elliot: Desperate hussy!
The two women stand motionless for a moment, waiting for somebody to make the next move.
At once, they grip each other's hair and start screaming.
Todd comes over.
Todd: Oh, whoa, whoa! Ladies, stop!
They freeze and look at him.
He takes a front-row seat.
Todd: Continue.
They resume their tussle, much to Todd's enjoyment.
===
PATIENT'S ROOM
Billy is at his brother's bedside as Turk and J.D. come in.
Turk: So, Billy, we're gonna need to get your brother's insurance information.
Billy: Oh, he's not me brother. Sure'n I only met the fellow last night, God bless him.
J.D.'s Narration: In life, we often make assumptions that aren't true.
Meanwhile...
ADMISSIONS
Jordan faces Dr. Cox.
J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's assuming you know how someone's gonna react...
Dr. Cox: Okay, let me have it.
Jordan: Whatever makes you happy, sweetie. [Kisses him.] See you at home.
She heads out.
Meanwhile...
CAFETERIA
Carla and Elliot continue their catfight, as more and more staff gather to watch.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Or assuming that a little girl from Connecticut would never fight dirty.
Elliot pulls Carla's top over her head and throws her down on a table.
Todd: [Rips his shirt off.] I'm going in!
Meanwhile...
PATIENT'S ROOM
Turk and J.D. furrow their brows at Billy.
J.D.'s Narration: The crazy thing is most assumptions could be avoided if you just asked a simple question in the first place.
J.D.: Well, if you're not his brother, then who are you?
Billy: Me? I'm the bloke that hit him.
===
COMMERCIALS
===
PATIENT'S ROOM
The scene resumes as Billy pulls the blanket snugly over his not-brother.
Turk: Billy, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Billy: Lads, it was an accident, right? He threw the first punch, then I hit him, he slipped, hit his head on the bar. Now, listen, where I come from, you knock someone unconscious, you stay around, you make sure they're okay. Right? So, guess what? I won't be leaving.
J.D.: Well, then, you're gonna have to deal with me and my partner.
Billy raises his eyebrows at them.
J.D.: I mean, like, my--my partner, not like my--my [makes a finger gesture] partner.
Turk: [To J.D.] Can I talk to you outside for a second?
They head out into the hall.
Jerry steps into the doorway and gazes in.
Billy: How you doing?
Jerry: Not great, actually. I'm dead.
Billy: Bummer. How long?
Jerry: Four years next month.
Billy: Geez, that's a nightmare. I was dead once, for about ten minutes. Then me mate Danny peed on me head.
Jerry: Really.
Billy: It's quite a sight to wake up to, though.
Cut to...
NURSES' STATION
Turk and J.D. arrive to find Carla and Elliot here, looking somewhat chummy.
Turk: Heard you guys were fighting.
Carla: We made up.
The Janitor strolls through with his feather duster.
Janitor: No they didn't.
The guys look at him.
Janitor: Chop bustin'. [Flicks them with the duster.] And doc dustin'.
He continues on.
Turk: Well, Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it -- you got your arm around Carla.
Elliot: [Yanking her arm] My hand is stuck in this rat's nest that she calls hair!
Carla: Dye job!
Nurse Roberts pops up from behind them.
Nurse Roberts: Got it! But, Chopstick, you're gonna have to buy a new watch. [Gives Elliot her watch pieces.] And Carla, you may wanna borrow some of my spray-on hair. [Gives Carla a strand of hair.]
She goes back to work, and Carla and Elliot, finally free of each other, take off in a huff.
Turk: Baby--
J.D.: No, dude, forget them. We have to deal with Billy. Now, should we call the cops on this guy or what?
Turk: I don't know, man, he seems cool.
J.D.: He put a guy in the hospital; that's a felony. And as doctors we're supposed to report him.
Turk: Are you trying to convince me to do something that you already did? 'Cause you know that drives me crazy!
J.D.: No! This is a decision we both need to make! Together! As a team, as a unit!
Turk: All right, fine, let's call the cops.
J.D.: Thank God.
Two cops walk in.
Policeman: Hello, gentlemen. We got a call about a felony from a Dr. Turk?
Turk gives J.D. a look.
J.D.: "Turk"'s easier to hear over the phone.
J.D.'s Narration: "Dorian" isn't hard to hear over the phone. But I didn't really want to talk about it with Turk.
When you have a problem with someone, you tend to talk to everyone except them.
Meanwhile...
CAFETERIA
Dr. Cox takes a seat next to Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Cox: I went behind Jordan's back and got my junk rewired. She was sweet to me. Sweet, Bobbo. What the hell do you make of that?
Meanwhile...
HALL
Elliot is walking through with Janitor.
Elliot: Carla thinks she's so tough, you know? She's "been around the block." She's "from the block." Enough about the block! It's not my fault my family had an orchard.
Meanwhile...
ANOTHER HALL
Carla walks through with Jerry.
Carla: For four years I've had to listen to Elliot complain about her problems. "My parents are too rich." "I slept with J.D. again." "Why can't I gain any weight?" I have problems of my own! I'm from the block!
Jerry: I wanted to help her, I just wish she could've heard me.
Carla: Okay, Jerry, you're out.
[She ditches him and catches up with Nurse Roberts.]
Laverne?
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm?
Carla: Can I talk to you?
Meanwhile...
CAFETERIA
Dr. Kelso: Perry, believe me when I say I'm proud to welcome you to what I like to call the "seedless grapes club." But still....
Meanwhile...
HALL
Janitor: I have just one obvious and hopefully chop-busting question....
Meanwhile...
ANOTHER HALL
Nurse Roberts: Why the hell are you talking to me about this?
The screen splits to show all three locations.
Elliot
&
Dr. Cox: I guess I should be talking to her.
&
Carla
Cut to...
DR. COX'S APARTMENT
Dr. Cox comes in to find Jordan playing with Jack on the floor.
Dr. Cox: Jordan? Jordan, why aren't you more upset about this? I, honest to God, I don't get it. I mean, normally you'd go to your mother's for a bitch refresher course, and then you'd come right back here just swinging for the fences.
Jordan: You know what, I'd love to stay and chat, but if we're late for ballet, Jack won't get a spot by the bathroom and then he'll pee in his tights.
Dr. Cox whips off his jacket and joins them on the floor.
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, my son is taking...is taking ballet? Come on, Jordan, he's already got an overbearing mother and a fairly prominent lisp. If we stick him in the tights, well, we might as well just go ahead and get him a timeshare on Fire Island.
Jordan: Oh, I haven't even decided if I'm gonna make him gay yet.
Dr. Cox: [Chuckles knowingly.] Oh. I see what this is. This is "the payback," ah?
Jordan: Perry! I didn't freak out 'cause you and I are two very independent people in a relationship and we don't always share our feelings. I didn't get angry because I'm not surprised.
Jack: Ba-ba.
Jordan: Let's go ballet!
She picks Jack up and stands.
Jordan: Do I wish it were different? Sometimes. But, whatever you and I have is working, so I guess I just have to live with it.
"Bye, daddy."
She takes Jack back to get ready.
Flash to...
EXAM ROOM
Dr. Cox waits on the table as the urologist comes around.
Doctor: So, how you feeling down there?
Dr. Cox: Oh, great. Great. Reverse it.
===
SACRED HEART, ENTRANCE HALL
J.D. and Turk stand at the door as they watch the cops lead Billy out in handcuffs.
Billy: See ya, lads.
He's taken out and put in the waiting cop car.
Turk: Ohh, man!
J.D.: I know we feel guilty, okay? But it's over. It's not like there's gonna be any ramifications.
They turn to find practically the whole hospital staff gathered in the hall, staring daggers at them.
Nurse Roberts: You have one day to come up with another gorgeous Irishman.
Todd: One day.
Turk and J.D. give him a questioning look.
Todd: What? The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender!
Cut to...
WHEELCHAIR RAMP -- A BIT LATER
Carla and Elliot are leaning on the rail, looking out over the parking lot.
Elliot: I'm glad Billy's gone. He's such a jerk. He kept calling me "bonny."
Carla: "Bonny" means "pretty."
Elliot: Oh, my God! I will never love like that again! [Sighs.]
Carla: You know I wasn't really mad about Billy or the whole flaking thing. I remember hugging you the day of my wedding and thinking to myself, even though the other two bridesmaids were my sisters, I felt closer to you.
Elliot: When did we stop being best friends? I mean, it feels like it took us so long to get to that point and that it's gone away so quickly, you know?
Carla: Well, my fault. Been burying myself in being married.
Elliot: Oh, please, it was your first year. I mean, I should've been the one to make the extra effort.
Carla: So what now?
Elliot: We try harder.
Carla: [Smiling] All right.
Yo, who taught you how to fight like that?
Elliot: When you grow up in an orchard, you don't have much choice.
Carla gives her a curious look.
Elliot: Apple thieves.
Carla: Ahhh.
===
NURSES' STATION
Jordan has some business here as Cox rolls up to her in a wheelchair.
Jordan: What the hell happened to you?
Dr. Cox: I got them to reverse the vasectomy.
Jordan: What an incredibly normal thing to do!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, let me talk for a second. I've been trained for many years to take any emotion I feel, push it down, and then let it out by drinking way too much and by yelling at the football players on my T.V. screen. And I...I really thought I hit the jackpot when I finally met a woman who was as disturbed and closed-off as I am.
Jordan: [Touched] Thank you.
Dr. Cox: You're welcome. Still, now I want more. I--I really do. I want to talk about things. Not--not everything. Not everything. I definitely, definitely don't want to talk about everything. For instance I don't need to know when you b*at up a woman in the park because her purse is the same color as yours; but things that matter, things that are important to us as a--as a family. And I know...I know that there are guys who bring flowers and that there are guys who write love songs. But, Jordan, I'm a guy sitting in front of you here with a twice operated-on penis that says "I want to be a couple that communicates more openly."
Jordan: What kind of guy writes love songs?
Dr. Cox: Guys whose mothers make them go to ballet class.
Jordan: Fair enough.
[Leans down to him.] You know how much I love you?
Dr. Cox: I love you too.
They kiss.
She happily comes around and starts pushing him down the hall.
Jordan: Okay, now that we're being all open and honest?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Jordan: I do not want to have any more kids. I think you should get the vasectomy!
Dr. Cox: Fantastic.
===
HALL
Turk and J.D. purposefully stride through.
J.D.'s Narration: My partner and I -- yeah, I said it -- we had heard that Billy was back, and he was mad.
They enter...
PATIENT'S ROOM
Billy is standing over the unconscious guy he'd put in here, his fist raised.
Billy: [Violent] I warned ya!
J.D.: What the hell happened?
Billy: He woke up and said something snarky, so I popped him again!
Turk: Are you serious?!
J.D. rushes over to check on the guy.
Guy: [Bolting up] BOO!
J.D.: [Collapsing] Aaaaaaaghgggghhhhhhh!
Billy and the guy cr*ck up.
J.D. struggles to his feet.
J.D.: Ohh, you think scaring people's funny, huh?! Well, good! Because you're dying!
Turk: John Dorian, you are a doctor!
J.D.: Well, he started it!
Billy: [To the guy] Sorry about your face, man.
Guy: Oh, please, I threw the first punch. It was my fault.
Billy: Right then. I'm off.
He puts on his jacket and heads out the door.
Billy: I'm supposed to be in Florence by midnight.
Turk and J.D. come to the door.
Turk: How the hell are you gonna do that?
Billy: [Stopping] Her apartment's two blocks away. [Winks.] It should be no problem at all.
J.D.: Well, hey, we're sorry about the whole incarceration thing.
Billy: No worries. Life's too short to hold a grudge. But still, you two boys might want to ask yourselves why you contacted the authorities but didn't have the decency to come and talk to me first. But I should let you two [makes J.D.'s finger gesture] "partners" figure that out. By the way, you're a gorgeous couple. Good luck to ya.
He turns and continues out as Joshua Radin's "Today" starts.
Billy: [Waving to present staff] See ya, lads!
J.D. and Turk stare after him.
Jerry comes up behind them.
Jerry: When I was alive, I wish I had lived one day like he lives every day of his life.
J.D.: Dead people don't talk, Jerry.
J.D.'s Narration: We weren't really mad at Jerry, what we realized was that we were jealous of Billy, because he was out living life and Turk and I weren't.
I guess it's important not to take life for granted.
Meanwhile...
EXAM ROOM
Jordan waits with Cox on the table as the urologist comes around.
J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's appreciating your relationships...
Dr. Cox: All righty, let's go for the hat-trick, there, doc.
Doctor: Are you sure?
Jordan: Hey, doc! Zip it, grip it, and snip it!
Meanwhile...
ELLIOT'S APARTMENT(?)
Carla and Elliot have their feet up in pedicure mode, giggling like idiots.
J.D.'s Narration: Or renewing your friendships.
Carla: [Laughing] I almost peed!
Elliot laughs harder and snorts.
Later...
BAR
Turk and J.D. sit at the bar, having some drinks.
J.D.'s Narration: For Turk and I, it was important just to get out and start living life, period.
Turk: Buddy, it is almost one o'clock in the morning, and we have to be at work at five.
J.D.: I know, but how often do we do this?
Turk: You're absolutely right, come on.
They pick up their cards.
Turk: Do you have any twos?
J.D.: Uh, no. Go fish, please.
Turk draws a card.
J.D.: Do you have any Ks?
Turk: Ah, please go fish.
The song fades.
Fade to black.
"In Loving Memory of Teddy Ebersol"
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