TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- MORNING
J.D. brings his refilled coffee cup over to the table where Turk, Carla, and Elliot are sitting. The T.V. is on in the background.
J.D.'s Narration: Since I was currently homeless, Turk and Carla were letting me crash here as long as I needed.
Carla: J.D., you have to get out. This place is tiny! And I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hangin' all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.
Carla: They're satin, J.D.?
J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel!
J.D.'s Thoughts: King me!
Elliot: Ugh, I need to find someone to split the rent at my place.
Turk: I thought you were getting good money at your new fellowship?
***FLASHBACK***
COUNTY FREE CLINIC
Pan across the small waiting room where a couple of rough looking men are waiting, and a couple others are trying to k*ll each other, to a small exam room where Elliot is talking to a patient.
Elliot: So first, my fellowship gets canceled because some jackass cures the disease, and now the only job I can get is working at this crappy free clinic for eight bucks an hour. No one's life could be worse than mine!
The man, a double amputee, patiently listens.
***BACK TO PRESENT***
Elliot: Uh...the...fellowship's great! Heh!
Elliot's Thoughts: Oh God, Carla, please don't tell them I'm working at a free clinic!
Carla's Thoughts: I sense she doesn't want me to tell them. [Winks at Elliot.] Women have an unspoken connection men can't even fathom!
J.D.'s Thoughts: [Staring at the T.V.] Dude, I know you can't look because Carla's here, but you're missing a crazy Victoria's Secrets commercial.
Turk's Thoughts: [Holding his spoon up] I'm watching Giselle in my spoon right now!
After a few seconds, feeling Carla's stare, he drops his spoon.
Turk: You know...you--you two could solve both of your problems if you just moved in together.
J.D.: Whooooooa. Hold your horses!
&
Elliot: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, and whoa-ho!
Elliot: We have a very complicated past.
J.D.: Yeah, I hurt her, and I'm not proud.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I'm a little proud.
Elliot: We've managed to restore our friendship, though, by staying away from dangerous topics.
J.D.: Yeah, relationships, and things of that nature.
Elliot: J.D. and I keep it superficial.
J.D.: Love the superficial. [To Elliot] Dynamite teeth today!
Elliot: Oh, thanks, buddy!
J.D.: Sparkly!
Elliot: Yeah!
Cut to...
SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS -- LATER
Carla, J.D., and Turk come in, continuing the subject from earlier.
Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot! But you're not living with us, so get your crap out by Friday.
J.D.: Friday?
Carla: Friday.
J.D.: Friday's my birthday! I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone -- I've already got two e-yeses and twenty-four e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
J.D.: It's a Mexican-themed fiesta...on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. [Hisses] That means I'm turning thirty!
Carla rolls her eyes.
J.D.: [Quoting his e-vitations] ¿Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. ¿Cuando? Thank you for asking -- ocho-thirty until upside-down question mark. Sombreros at the door. [Does a tongue-rolling whoop.]
Turk: I'll be there.
J.D.: Gracias, amigo. [Whispering to Carla] I borrowed one of your dictionaries!
Across the area, Dr. Wen comes out, deep in conversation with another doctor.
J.D.'s Narration: Since there were twelve surgical residents at Sacred Heart fighting for four attending spots, Turk was ass-kissing the senior staff.
Dr. Wen: Oh, damn, I left my briefcase upstairs.
Turk: [Ducking out] 'Scuse me a second!
J.D.'s Narration: Turk thought he was the only one who heard that.
Cut to...
WHEELCHAIR RAMP
Turk rushes out, clutching the prized briefcase.
Turk: DR. WEN! DR. WEN! I'VE GOT YOUR BR--
Carl Douglas' "Kung Fu Fighting" begins, and a mass of masked, green-scrubs-clad doctors swarm around Turk, striking martial arts poses.
J.D.'s Narration: ...He was not.
Todd comes out the door behind Turk.
Turk: I had no idea that there was that many Asian surgeons in this hospital.
Todd: I got your back, T-Dog.
Turk: Then let it begin.
He flings the briefcase in the air and rips off his scrub top, assuming a defensive stance as the ninja docs make another move.
With an intimidating yowl, he jumps into the fray in the parking lot below, as Todd takes on the g*ng on the ramp.
An elaborate action sequence plays out to the tune of the song, with Turk and Todd handily kicking Asian surgeon butt.
Turk: Quit fooling around with those guys and get down here!
Todd: [Jumps onto the handrail] Here comes the big dog!
He leaps down into the parking lot, back to back with Turk, and together they clean up the rest of their opponents.
The battle ends just as the briefcase falls back down, right into Turk's waiting arms.
The song fades.
Turk: Dude --
Todd: Yeah.
Turk: -- thanks for having my back.
He holds up his hand for a high five.
Todd: [Raises his hand] Yeah. Betrayal five.
Turk: What?
Todd whacks Turk in the chest, causing him to shriek in pain and fall to the ground, releasing the briefcase into Todd's hands.
***BACK TO REALITY***
WHEELCHAIR RAMP
Clutching Dr. Wen's briefcase, Turk, followed by J.D. and Todd, exits the building.
Todd: [Raising his hand to Turk] Hey, buddy.
Turk: [Ready for the five] Hey!
Todd: Betrayal five.
Just as before, he whacks Turk in the chest, causing him to shriek and release the case.
Todd: [Running towards the parking lot] DR. WEN!
He meets the man at his car.
Dr. Wen: Oh, my briefcase!
Todd: Yeah!
J.D.: [To the floored Turk] You know, I totally saw that coming.
===
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIALS
===
PARKING LOT
J.D. and Turk walk back towards the hospital entrance (perhaps after doing something horrible to Todd's ride?).
Turk: Dude, look at you! Thirty years old -- all growed up!
J.D.: Oh, really, Turk? Because the Sacred Heart sign I vandalized last night begs to differ!
He gestures to the large sign, its "H" and part of its "E" painted over so it now reads SACRED FART HOSPITAL
They laugh like fiends and continue towards the entrance, but their laughing is immediately silenced by the stern look on Janitor's face as they pass.
Continue to...
FIRST FLOOR HALL
J.D.: Hey! Remember when we were in college and we made lists of all the stuff we wanted to do by the time we turned thirty?
Turk: Yeah!
J.D.: [Unfolds a piece of paper] Check it!
Turk: [Reading it] "Things to do by thirty: Get married. Buy a house. Learn difference between senator and congressman." Dude, you haven't done any of these yet. [Hands the list back.]
J.D.: I know! But who cares? I got all the time in the world. I mean, I'm only turning thirty.
They enter...
ADMISSIONS
A bunch of children are playing all over the front desk.
Kid #2: Thirty?
Kid #3: No one's thirty.
J.D.: Where did all these unsupervised children come from?
===
PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM
Turk is meeting with his patient, a young brunette.
Turk: So you wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, Mrs...[reads the chart]...Appendectomy? Now that ain't right!
Maybe it's not...still:
Mrs. Appendectomy: Look, fifteen percent of all surgical complications are anesthesia-related, so I would like to use hypnosis instead of the traditional anesthesia.
Turk: Well, I'd like to sleep with Beyoncé instead of my wife tonight, but that ain't happening either, you know what I'm saying!?
[She gives him a look.]
Tell you what, I'll think about it.
Cut to...
I.C.U.
Turk talks to Dr. Cox. Carla is nearby.
Turk: My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Cox: Lookit, I'd like to throw it in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain't gonna happen either.
Carla: Dr. Cox!
Turk: Dr. Cox! No! Awful!
Carla: Hypnosis is a very powerful tool. It's helped people with depression and weight loss -- it helped me quit smoking.
Dr. Cox: Hypnosis is for birthday parties and bad Vegas lounges. Now, you go tell your patient to let you do what you do best: Knock her out, and then start digging around inside of her like a blind man looking for a nickel.
Carla: I think you should do it.
Dr. Cox: Knock her out and dig.
Carla: Do it.
Dr. Cox: Dig.
Carla: Do it.
Dr. Cox: Dig.
Carla: Do it.
Dr. Cox: Dig.
Turk: Okay.... I'm gonna go with Dr. Cox on this one.
Dr. Cox: That's a rookie move, and you hate to see it. You always side with the wife -- even if she's got a full-blown case of the crazies.
He leaves, humming a "crazy" note.
Carla: Turk! We're gonna have kids soon. We're supposed to be a team! That means you occasionally have to listen to me and believe in my opinion! Like, what if we have a daughter and she wants to get her ears pierced?
Turk: Irrelevant. We're not having a daughter.
Carla: Okay. What if we have a son and he wants to take dance class, even though all his friends are playing football?
Turk: He can dance if he wants to.... He can leave his friends behind.... "'Cause his friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, then they're no friends of mine!" [Dancing away] "S-s-s-s...A-a-a-a...F-f-f-f...E-e-e-e...."
Cut to...
BAR -- THAT EVENING
Carla and Elliot are at the bar.
Carla: So then I said, "What if our son wants to take dance class instead of play football with his friends?" and Turk ran off singing "Safety Dance."
Elliot: Carla, didn't you learn your lesson that time you told him the commissar was in town?
Carla: Yeah....
Noticing a vacant table, Elliot hops up.
Elliot: Ooh! Someone's leaving!
Carla quickly follows after and the girls grab the two chairs on one side just as Dr. Cox and Jordan grab the two on the other side.
Dr. Cox groans.
Carla
&: We saw it first!
Elliot
Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one -- I've worked with her before -- she has no off button.
Carla: [To Elliot] If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: [Gasps] Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: [Whacks table] Jordan! ...No!
Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: [Pointing at Cox behind her hand] Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up? You know like Turk can be a little...immature -- you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: Or...maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know...before the loneliness burns too much?
[Hopping in his seat] Wooooo-ohhhhh! [Laughing] Gosh, I did enjoy that!
Elliot guzzles her beer.
===
SACRED HEART -- FOURTH FLOOR HALL -- THE NEXT DAY
J.D. and Turk walk though.
Turk: [Examining J.D.'s list] Dude, you haven't done anything on this list! How could you never've slept naked on a hammock?
J.D.: I'm afraid of dragonflies.
[Grabs his list] You know what, I'm not gonna make a big deal out of this. Neither one of us has made any headway with our lists.
Turk: First of all, don't lump me in with you -- 'cause I'm a surgeon, I'm married, I've had sex while playing Frogger, and I'm gonna be a dad -- I'm moving through my list.
J.D.: I've done nothing. I mean, I did learn another language, but it was just that one where you put a "b" sound in the middle of every single word -- and I was never fluent.
Turk: That secret language was so lame.
J.D. Nobot with the labadabies!
Turk chuckles as J.D. continues on.
Turk turns in to...
NURSES STATION
Dr. Kelso is going over a chart.
Turk: Dr. Kelso! Do you have any idea who's gonna get those three attending spots next year?
Dr. Kelso: There are four spots for next year.
Turk: Three if you're not counting the one going to me!
Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna stick with four, Turkleton. See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart -- [laughs] did you see the sign?
[He continues chuckling, and Turk humors him by joining in.]
Though there will be no vandalism here, people!
[Snickers] It was classic!
Anyway, the key is doing something to get noticed.
Turk: I don't know if you know this, but tomorrow I'm doing an appendectomy using hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's about time. Hell's bells, son, when I say the name Turkleton, people laugh!
Turk: Maybe because that's not my name.
Dr. Kelso: [Leaving] Not yet, Turkleton! Not yet.
===
ELLIOT'S APARTMENT -- EVENING
Elliot and Jake are on the couch, talking.
Jake: Elliot, I don't think I understand what you want.
Elliot: I just want you to open up, you know, emotionally...spiritually....
Jake: Uh, I'm not exactly religious, you know, but I-I do think that God watches after my family and...well, my favorite sports teams. Oh, and once in tenth grade, He made Jennifer Martin sleep with me.
Elliot: Okay! How about opening up sexually? What's your wildest fantasy?
Jake: Yeah...it's not happening.
Elliot: Come on! Sometimes in bed, I feel like I'm the only one screamin'!
Jake: Elliot, you're quiet as a mouse -- all the screaming is in your head.
Elliot: Yeah, but in there, it's crazy.... Mmm....
Jake: All right, fine, why don't you tell me your--your wildest fantasy.
Elliot: Okay, fine. You're a Mexican apple thief, I run the cider house; I catch you hiding behind the stonemill, you chase me into the tasting room -- oh, if there's a crow in there, fine, if not...I can live with it. Anyway, we're all alone, you don't speak a word of English, but you teach me more about hard cider than I ever learned from my fermenting exams. And our passion is so loud that they can hear it all the way in the distillery! [Pants for a few seconds.]
Oh...heh. God, I can be such an apple slut! Heh.
Jake: ...'Kay...
===
SACRED HEART -- I.C.U. WARD -- EVENING
J.D. approaches the bed of a patient with a toe tag.
J.D.: When did we lose Mr. Heath?
Carla: [Behind the Nurses' Station] Oh, we didn't. His vitals are fine.
J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.
Doug: [Lying on the next bed] It's a slow day in the morgue. Nothing's written in stone!
J.D.: You wrote a time of death!
Doug: [Plucking the tag off] I wrote "one-ish"!
J.D.: Get outta here!
Carla: Why are you so pissy?
J.D. goes over to the desk.
J.D.: [Handing his list to her] Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn thirty. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.
Dr. Cox: [Arrives] Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes?
J.D.: Haven't you used that joke like a trillion times?
Dr. Cox: I'm okay with it.
Carla: [Reading J.D.'s list] "Invent a cereal"? "Complete a triathlon"?
Dr. Cox: There's a, uh, triathlon tomorrow. Thing One and Thing Two have been training vigorously for it.
Ted and Doug walk past in synchronized step.
Doug: We're working on our drafting technique!
Dr. Cox: If your goal is to repel all women on the planet, then it's definitely working.
Ted: Ignoring him.... And switch!
Doug takes the lead position, and they continue down the hall.
J.D.: That's it! I'll do the triathlon!
Carla: Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons!
J.D.: Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded cease and desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.
Carla: You're not serious about this, are you?
Cut to...
BEACH -- THE NEXT DAY
A substantial number of triathletes, Ted, Doug, and J.D. among them, prepare for the first part of the course.
J.D.: [In just trunks] Why is everybody wearing wetsuits?
Doug: This water's like forty-nine degrees, dumb-dumb!
Ted: So what's your best time, buster?
J.D.: Honestly, Ted, it doesn't really matter. As long as I finish by 6:41 tonight.
J.D.'s Narration: The harder you push yourself to do something, the harder it is to back out.
Meanwhile...
SACRED HEART -- NURSES' STATION
Turk is at the desk as Carla approaches.
J.D.'s Narration: Whether you're caught in a lie with your wife...
Carla: I heard you were doing the hypnosis surgery. You actually listened to me!
She grabs him in a hug and kisses him.
Turk: [Covering] Hell yeah, I listened to you...baby, come on! That's the reason why I'm doing it, right? 'Cause of you and how well I listen.
Carla: I love you.
Turk: I love you.
Meanwhile...
ELLIOT'S APARTMENT
Elliot pulls Jake to the bedroom.
J.D.'s Narration: Or whether you're just trying to get your boyfriend to open up.
Elliot: Come on, Jake! Come in there and show me what you're really like! No one is gonna judge you.
They go in and close the door.
The camera pans over to the clock on the table which reads 7:59
The instant the minute hand clicks over to 8:00, the bedroom door flies open again and a stunned Elliot comes out.
Elliot: Oh my God, Jake!
Jake: [At the door] You wanna talk about it, Elliot?
Elliot: Nope!
Meanwhile...
BEACH
The start g*n is raised.
J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes, the only thing you can do is just dive in.
At the sh*t, all the wetsuit-clad triathletes dive in the water, with the near-naked J.D. tip-toeing carefully towards the surf.
J.D.: Oh, Jehovah, that's cold! Oh, God, why! [Splashing some water on himself] There's a little...here's some more. [Skipping deeper in] All right, ease it in...ease it in!
===
COMMERCIALS
===
OCEAN
J.D. swims along.
J.D.'s Narration: As I side-stroked through the salty waters of the great Pacific -- pick an apple, put it in your pocket; pick an apple, put it in your pocket -- I wondered if everyone was doing as well as I was.
Meanwhile...
SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS
Turk stands amid a collection of assembling camera crews.
Turk: Why are all these cameras here?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart. [Laughs heartily] I can't help it, it kills me!
Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese newsanchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon. [Turk looks over at the young Asian woman.] If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!
He waves at the woman and goes over.
Dr. Cox steps in front of Turk.
Dr. Cox: We're also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at CalTech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous afterscreams that are sure to follow.
One of the news cameras zooms in on Turk's sweat-soaked face.
Turk: [Escaping] No interviews!
Follow to...
HALL
Carla chases after Turk.
Carla: Turk! Turk, where are you going?
Turk: Honey, I can't do this. I don't believe in any of this hypnotism crap. I only needed to impress Kelso.
Carla: Oh, so great, you lied to me.
He stops to face her.
Turk: I'm about to ruin my career by plunging a Kn*fe into a completely conscious person! But you know what, you're absolutely right -- let's focus on the lying.
He continues on.
Meanwhile...
COUNTRY ROAD
J.D. pumps along on a bike.
J.D.'s Narration: As I reached the biking stage and finally realized what chafing was, I got a surprise visitor.
Elliot casually rides up next to him on her little girly bike with handlebar tassels and a front-mounted basket.
Elliot: [Rings her bell] How's it goin'?
J.D.: Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish. Why are you here?
Elliot: Can I talk to you about Jake?
J.D.: It's a dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.
Elliot: Yeah, anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together.
***FLASHBACK***
SACRED HEART -- HALL
A female staffer, Kathy, is stood talking to one of her co-workers.
Kathy: I've been dating this guy for a few weeks, but I just found out that he went on a gay cruise last month.
Carla: [Passing] Probably a cheap trick. Marry him, the four of us'll have dinner.
Kathy: But he also said he might be gay!
Carla: [Over her shoulder] Dinner!
***BACK TO PRESENT***
J.D.: Talking to you about Jake violates the two most important tenants of our relationship. One: Keep discussion superficial. And Two: No talking while my boys are straddling chrome. That one's new.
Elliot: Why don't you just try a higher gear?
She reaches over and flips the gearshift on J.D.'s bike, immediately causing his frantic pedaling to slow.
J.D.: [Struggling] It's like pedaling in hummus!
Elliot: [Riding off] See ya, buddy!
Up ahead, J.D. notices a sign reading "FINISH" at the top of the hill.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, thank God! I think the bike part's finally over!
He rides up to the peak and follows the sign's direction -- a steep drop down a rocky slope.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no!
He tumbles down the hill --
J.D.: Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaa! Whoa! Whooooa!
-- past the watching Janitor, and lands in a heap.
Janitor: [Holding a brush and can of paint] I can play with signs, too!
===
SACRED HEART -- O.R.
Turk and Carla watch from the hall, where several cameras are setting up, as the patient is prepared by her hypnotist, who waves his hands over her.
Turk: This is great. I'm being assisted by a magician.
Carla: The only way you're gonna get through this is if you believe it's gonna work.
Turk: Uh-huh.
He reaches over and pinches her hard on the arm.
Carla: OW!
Turk: That was just a fingernail, honey! How would you like it if I cut out your appendix?!
Carla: Let's forget for one second that hypnosis is used to lower bleeding, aid recovery, or help patients deal with pain. You are married now. So start believing what I tell you to believe! [Wacks him] And DON'T PINCH ME!
===
COUNTRY ROAD
J.D. walks along, looking out of it.
J.D.'s Narration: During the eight-mile run, dehydration set in.
Ted and Doug pass, carrying a roast pig.
Ted: [Tossing the apple] Hang in there, buddy!
Doug: See you at the luau!
J.D.: They already finished and cooked a pig?
Elliot catches up with him.
Elliot: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: [Touching her face] Ahh, you're real. Although the dolphin costume's a little odd.
(There, uh, is no dolphin costume.)
Elliot: This Jake thing is still really bothering me.
J.D.: Elliot, you know our rules.
Elliot: Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything? I miss that.
J.D.: This is working.
Elliot: Not for me! I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.
J.D.: Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?
***FANTASY***
Elliot faces him in a dolphin costume.
Elliot: I don't know! You tell me.
***BACK TO REALITY***
J.D.: All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
Elliot: You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.
She storms off.
J.D. turns, noticing the setting sun.
Keane's "Everybody's Changing" comes up.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Must...finish...race.
Meanwhile...
SACRED HEART -- O.R.
Turk stands over the hypnotized patient, her hypnotist at her ear.
Turk: [Steeling himself] You can do this. You can do this.
He stops to watch the hypnotist whispering.
Turk: What are you saying to her?
Hypnotist: "You can do this. You can do this."
Turk: Small world. Scalpel.
[Raising the instrument to the observation window] Making first incision.
Camera crews, visiting docs, Kelso and Cox (who shoves cotton in his ears) stand watching.
Turk: Well, here goes....
He makes the cut and quickly pulls back in anticipation of a reaction.
Turk: Mmm?
The patient remains still.
Turk: [Chucking] All right!
Clamp, please!
Meanwhile...
COUNTRY ROAD
J.D. slogs along.
J.D.'s Narration: They say that, in life, all good things must come to an end.
Meanwhile...
ELLIOT'S APARTMENT
Jake hands Elliot a glass of white wine.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes it comes quietly.
Elliot: I like red.
Jake: You do?
Elliot: Jake...I think we need to talk.
Meanwhile...
SACRED HEART -- O.R.
Turk is heavily into the operation.
J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes, not so quietly.
Hypnotist: ...You can do this...
The patient's eyes fly open.
Turk: [Lapsing into J.D.'s "B" language] Oh-b, no-b.
To Cox's great know-it-all delight, the patient begins screaming horrifically.
Hypnotist: You can do this! You can do this! You can do this! You can do this! You can do this! You can do this!
Meanwhile...
COUNTRY ROAD -- EARLY EVENING
J.D. stands, unable to take another step.
J.D.'s Narration: And suddenly, you realize you've taken something as far as it can go.
He collapses among the other athletes' discarded paper cups.
Later...
SACRED HEART -- NURSES' STATION
Turk sits on the desk, hanging his head, with Carla standing before him. Nearby, Kelso is going over a chart.
Turk: What the hell was I thinking?
Carla: No, you did great, baby.
Dr. Kelso: She's right, Turkleton. Hell, without anesthesia, you made it halfway through a surgery. I bet you could publish that.
Dr. Cox: [Stopping] Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine.
Dr. Kelso: You know, Perry, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.
Dr. Cox: How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.
He and Kelso go off in different directions.
Carla: [Hugging Turk] See? My baby made some noise!
Turk: Yeah, I made some noise, all right.
Carla: Woo!
Later...
COUNTRY ROAD -- EVENING
Elliot arrives, crouching down to J.D.'s collapsed form.
Elliot: J.D., what you said before...I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad.
J.D. mutters incoherently.
Elliot: Thanks. You were wrong about one thing, though -- we are moving forward.
J.D.: Elliot, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.
Elliot: Why don't you just move into my place?
J.D.: Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.
Elliot: [Checks her watch] By my watch, we've got eight minutes to finish this thing. Come on.
She hops to her feet and claps her hands, trying to stir him.
J.D.'s Narration: A wise man once said the human spirit can overcome any obstacle.
J.D.: [Makes a small effort] I can't.
Elliot: Come on!
She grabs his hands and tries to pull him up.
J.D.'s Narration: That man had obviously never run a triathlon.
Elliot: Come on. [Struggling] You're not really helping!
Meanwhile...
FINISH LINE
Carla and Turk stand waiting.
Carla: Are you sure this is the finish line?
Turk turns and glances at the large "FINISH" banner right behind them. He squints further down the road.
Turk: I think I see him.
Approaching, Elliot carries J.D. piggyback.
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I could overcome any obstacle, as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.
Finally, they cross the finish line.
J.D.: Woo-hoo-hoo! We made it! [Looking at his watch] And with--and with two minutes to spare!
Elliot
&: [Toppling over] Whoooooaaa!
J.D.
They fall in a giggling heap on the ground.
Turk: Baby, I'm not carrying 'em to the car.
Cut to...
ELLIOT'S APARTMENT -- LATER
Surrounded by J.D.'s moving boxes, J.D. (covered in ice packs) and Elliot toast their new living arrangement with some red wine.
Elliot: Promise to help me get through my thirtieth?
J.D.: Mm-hmm. Will you tell me what Jake's fantasy was?
Elliot: Nope.
J.D.: Did it involve chains?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Whips?
Elliot: Mm-mm.
J.D.: Candle wax?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Role-playing?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Lasers?
Elliot: Mm-mm.
J.D.: Hamsters?
Elliot: Negative.
J.D.: Was he a Mexican apple thief?
Elliot: [Sighing] If only....
The song fades.
Fade to Black
===