Sacred Heart.
Eight years of great memories.
This place will live forever.
They tore down the old crappy hospital and rebuilt it on the med school campus.
I'm just back to teach some classes.
First, though, I need to do my morning good-luck ritual.
And seven.
That's one good-luck kiss for every month you've been in there.
- Are you done yet?
- Not yet.
And thank you for making Mommy's boobs so much bigger.
They're almost jugs.
Seriously, I think I can probably rest them on your head.
- Check it out.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Whoa, talk about a 10-gallon hat.
How cool is that?
Donny, no questions right now, okay?
This is private.
- They're still looking.
- I said this is private! Turn around!
- That was heavy.
- Hey, do good today.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I can still feel them on my head.
How sweet is he?
Part of me hates how familiar this seems.
I hope I can find a way to make this all feel new.
Oh, my God, the first day of med school.
Everything is so new.
I mean, just look at all these people who don't know that I used to wear a back brace.
I can look left.
Yep, new sights, new sounds, even new smells.
- Kiwi.
- What?
- I smell kiwi.
- Yeah, it's my shampoo.
- I love kiwis, okay?
- I love them, too.
Actually that's not true.
They're hairy.
They look like monkey nuts.
Don't smell people.
It's weird.
- I'm Lucy.
- I don't care.
Regroup, Lucy.
Find an ally.
- Hi.
I'm Lucy.
- Cole.
Hey, after class you want to go somewhere and get weird with each other?
I feel like you skipped a few steps.
Hey, come on.
You already know if you're in or out.
So, what's the deal, girl?
Not interested.
Medicine is...
Well, it's a dead career.
Thanks to insurance companies and malpractice lawyers, you have absolutely no hope of finding a rewarding or satisfying profession in this once-noble field.
The only exception to this very true rule is the following.
If you are lucky enough to go to a great medical school, then, my children, you got a real sh*t.
Unfortunately, you're all screwed, because to call this particular school a craphouse would be an honest-to-God compliment.
Plus, I'm the only teacher here worth a damn and I already hate each and every one of you.
Would you like to know why?
Well, it turns out you're not actually medical students at all.
You are all murderers and assassins that have been sent here to try to k*ll my patients.
Here's the bottom line.
If you do get a good, clean k*ll on a patient, go ahead and take a pinkie or an ear as a trophy.
I get that, I do.
But, please, also know this.
I'm ready for you, have been for a while.
So watch your ass.
Good day.
Okay, I hope everyone enjoyed orientation with Dr.
Cox.
I'm Dr. Mahoney, your student advisor.
Here's some crappy pizza.
Commence feeding.
You joining us, Gramps?
You know, 'cause you're old for a med student.
They told me to give out fun nicknames for team building.
- It's working.
- Look, uh, Drew, I don't like dealing with, well, people, and all these kids obviously look up to you.
I've never spoken to any of these people.
I can still feel a bond.
And I thought, why don't you deal with the whiny emotional stuff, and in return, I will let you do that.
Look, just let me fly under the radar.
Please.
I guess I should answer any annoying questions you all have.
Yeah, Monkey Nuts.
I just wanted to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza.
There, smelling incident fixed.
Yeah, they gave me money to do it, along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs.
Speaking of which, little administrative thing.
If you're going to k*ll yourself, I'm looking at you, Sad Eyes, do it off-campus because it's a butt-load of paperwork.
All right, everyone, pay attention, because my spleen is right here.
Whoops, that feels more like my private-time area.
Wouldn't it be easier if you could see what you were doing?
This is the way I'm doing it, Cole.
Or maybe you're just uncomfortable because it's a black man's head on a fake white man's body.
That's right, people, it just got real up in here.
In my class, you will each be graded by the color of your skin.
If you're white, raise your hand.
"F's."
- There he is.
- Yes!
- Turk! Up here!
- Dude, what the hell are you doing?
I thought it'd be more dramatic if we spotted each other from afar, and then ran to see each other! But now, if we meet in the middle, we'll wind up somewhere inside the hospital, and this really feels like more of an outside thing.
If you count to 10 before you run, I should be able to get downstairs and over to you! I'm already counting! Three, four...
- Hey, Dr. Turk.
- Not now, Denise.
- Turk! - I'm late, gotta go.
Let's go, it's guy love Don't compromise the feeling of some other guy Holding up your heart into the sky I'll be there to care through all the lows I'll be there to share the highs It's guy love between two guys Mmm, you smell like prison.
When was the last time you guys saw each other?
This morning.
We carpooled.
But we haven't worked together in over a year.
You know what I'd like to do now?
Is it go to Vermont and make this thing legal?
Talk to the hand.
Remember that?
Eagle! Oh, hey, Perry.
I'm really looking forward to teaching with you.
Onward, eagle! Oh, good God.
So, that's what you're going to wear to teach?
I'll have you know, this is the very jacket worn by Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.
All I had to do was sew these elbow patches on and take the shoulder pads out.
By the way, whatever happened to the Janitor?
Oh, dude, it was the day after you left.
When's that little buddy of yours coming back?
He's never coming back.
He's gone for good.
- He's right here, isn't he?
- Where would I be hiding him?
- But he's coming back...
- No.
...after his vacation.
- No.
And no one ever saw him again.
- Dr. Kelso?
What are you doing here?
- I'm teaching a couple of classes.
J.D.'s going to teach here, too.
Oh, Turk, sometimes I'll teach them, sometimes they'll teach me.
But we're always gonna inspire each other.
You're still such an odd little fruit.
Is that a woman's jacket?
- No, it's a men's small.
- Yes, it's actually a jacket
- from Dangerous Minds.
- He doesn't need to know that.
Dr. Kelso, I heard about Enid's passing.
- I'm so sorry.
- Well, you bottom out, and then you persevere.
I feel like I can say the worst is over.
- How long ago did she pass?
- About two days.
Oh! - I'm a frequent flier.
- Congrats, I guess.
No, no, no.
That means I'm in and out of the hospital a lot.
Oh.
- Ben. Ischemic bowel disease.
- Lucy.
I'm a med student.
- You look like you could use a grape.
- Thanks, Ben, I really could.
No stealing food from patients.
Gather around, murderers.
Gather around.
I saw that.
Spit it out.
Now, eat it again.
At least we know you're a good listener.
Score! You should all follow 19's lead.
And I call her 19 because instead of using your names, I am going to go by where you currently rank in my head.
Now, who can tell me what artery goes above the optic chiasm to the cerebral hemispheres?
Supermodel in the back.
I'm fairly certain it's the anterior cerebral artery.
- What?
- The anterior cerebral artery.
I'm not understanding a word that she's saying.
And, people, I can teach anyone.
You just gotta speak English.
- I'm Australian.
- Still not getting it.
Everyone, leave.
- I'm sorry about the grape thing.
- Don't sweat it, 42.
Is my number going down because I'm talking to you?
- Why was Michael in my room?
- His name isn't Michael.
Well, he has a weird Serbian name that I can't say, so I'm calling him Michael.
He loves it.
- I don't.
My name is Ilyavich.
- Mike, just go.
Young Michael informed me that you told everyone to come to me
- with their personal problems.
- Yeah, I did.
I checked on you.
You've already been to med school once already when you were 21, and you didn't just flame out.
You like...
You went nuclear.
- Seriously, how was prison?
- It was cold.
You couldn't just let me be.
Well, I'm gonna take the high road and not mention your mannish voice and all the pictures you have in here of your friends.
Tell me, which one's your BFF?
- You are a giant douche.
- I know.
- Wanna take a shower together?
- Fine.
You know, you think you're so hot, but I'm not a fan.
Hey, I'm not happy about this, either, okay?
Lights, camera, teach.
Welcome to internal medicine, g*ng.
My name is Dr.
John Dorian.
- Hey, should we be taking notes?
- That's a good question, fellow.
What I'll tell you is, I don't like to really stop.
That ruins my flow.
So, what I'm gonna do is give a subtle nod, like so, as a signal, okay?
Now, back to my name.
I prefer "Dr. D," or in a pinch, "Dr. Dizzle,"
- but if you see me out in the quad...
- There is no quad.
I'm not a big fan of the TAs doing a lot of speaking, Denise.
Okay?
Wait, wait.
That was an accidental nod, you guys.
No note-taking.
No note-taking, okay?
Now, if you see me out in the quad, I want you to think of me as more than your teacher.
I'm also your friend, all right?
Okay, we're definitely gonna need a new signal for the note-taking thing.
This guy's trying to die on me again.
Who wants to play patient roulette?
Please not me, please not me.
It ain't no use running, little girl! First one bringing me a med student gets a juicy bone.
He gets a juicy bone.
You go get them! Woo!
Ninety-one, here's how we play.
I'm not gonna do anything to help this dying man until you answer these three very simple questions.
What is it called when a blood clot occludes a branch of the pulmonary artery?
What is it called when tuberculosis affects the spine?
And what was the name of the African NBA center who did this whenever he blocked a sh*t?
Ooh, I'd hurry.
His heart's slowing down.
And he's dead.
Not because of you.
I'm not insane.
He was dead when we walked over here.
But just a stunningly horrible job, nonetheless.
All right, we finally found a signal that works.
Jazz hands, love it.
Guys, tomorrow you'll be divided into groups and you'll be given your cadavers.
So, great first day, everybody.
Who wants to keep this party going?
If so, meet me back here at 6:00.
I will have beers, on me.
Everyone, take a mix CD on their way out.
For those of you who are fans of a young Ms. Miley Cyrus, I recommend the green ones.
She's heavily featured.
- Dr. Cox...
- Professor.
- Professor Cox...
- Actually, it's both.
- Doctor-Professor Cox?
- Yes?
Sometimes I feel like you're not even trying to teach me.
I'm not.
I generally don't waste time on people who aren't going to make it.
Oh! Thanks.
Thanks?
- Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
- What do you want?
Well, I get the whole trial-by-fire thing, and you're wonderful at it, really.
- Don't ever touch me.
- Sorry.
Um...
But you seem to go out of your way to pick on the weakest kids.
Maybe you could, I don't know, not do that.
Thank you for the feedback.
It's invaluable.
- You don't mean that, do you?
- I don't.
And since you don't see yourself as one of the weak ones, maybe a good solution would be for me to unload my years of rage and frustration and pain onto your head, and your head alone.
Are we locked down to that, or can we keep spitballing here?
- Very locked in.
- Looking forward to it.
Whore! Not you.
Just, something I say whenever I'm pissed.
And when I'm with a whore.
- Whoa.
- None of them showed up.
I got us all these glow-in-the-dark necklaces so we wouldn't lose each other when we were out on the town.
It's their first day of med school.
Come on, you remember how we were.
- Nerds! - Losers! I feel so alive.
Everybody at that party had sex.
Come on, let's go get a beer.
No.
We all go through life worrying about what other people think of us.
Hey, aren't those your students in there with Kelso?
Man, I must be the worst teacher ever.
The truth is, the harshest words are the ones we say about ourselves.
- Are you okay, sweetie?
- No, Ben.
I don't belong here.
I was so depressed yesterday.
To cheer myself up, I made what I think is a great decision.
Sometimes, one perfect night can change your whole outlook on life.
Yep, I've got a good feeling about this guy.
Hey, darling, I'm Dr. Cole.
I'll be your physician.
So, what are we dealing with here?
"Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma."
- Giant drag.
- Hey.
Come here.
Hope you enjoyed your last day of med school.
- Yeah, I don't see it.
- I'm sorry, what?
You know that bust you pass on your way to pick up your tiny paycheck?
Notice any resemblance?
Symmetric features, strong jaw?
Yeah, that's my pop-pop.
Paid for this whole building.
So here's the skinny.
I'm Teflon.
You can fire b*ll*ts at me if you want, but be careful.
When they ricochet off me, they sometimes hit other people.
Puh-ching.
Puh-ching.
Hey, don't "puh-ching" me.
- Puh-ching.
- Don't you "puh-ching" me! My dad always says every day is a new day, so today I'm gonna be confident, strong, and nothing will knock me off my game.
Who am I kidding?
I'm doomed.
- Has anyone seen the crash cart?
- It's over by Bed 4.
Now, can you make that out?
I think I heard the words "bear fight," but that makes no sense.
You're right, that's super fun.
I love doing things with you.
Thanks, Perry, I needed that.
I'm having a little trouble getting my teacher groove going.
Maybe you suck at it.
Why do you have to lash out, Perry?
Stay open for business in here.
In your heart-cage.
I guess I'm just tired of weeding out the weak to protect the rest of the herd like I always do.
Maybe you could mix it up a little.
Try investing emotionally in one of them.
A kid stood up to me just the other day, and I kind of felt connected to him.
Good, good, good.
I'm sure you probably knew him for all of 30 seconds.
It's not like I tried for eight years or anything to get your love.
I thought we were over this.
I'm drowning here.
I wish there was just someone who could fly up and rescue me from all this.
I feel like I'd get back on track if I could just find one student to connect with.
One kid that really needs me.
I mean, that's what it's all about, right?
Reaching out.
- What's your name?
- Drew.
I'm taking an interest in you.
Carry on.
- That's not good for me, is it?
- Drew, you know I don't care.
Come on, grab me like a man.
Let's do this.
What up, Dizzle?
You dropped something.
I got it.
I'm not always a believer in serendipity, but sometimes the world just brings things together.
- I was chasing that, so it's mine.
- It's a naked picture of me.
It fell out of that Cole kid's notebook.
Oh, don't be sad.
It's just...
Oh! Wow! That is a very graphic naked picture of you.
You know, we're gonna go over a lot of that stuff in class.
So don't worry about it.
I shouldn't have looked.
I'm both a married man and a beloved professor.
I know, you're Dr. Dorian.
This area's technically the quad, so it's J.D.
- Lucy.
- Nice to meet you, Lucy.
Don't let him leave.
Say something, Lucy.
J. D?
- Can I help you with something?
- Dr. Cox is all over me.
I can't take it.
Come with me.
Come with me.
Lucy, to win at the game of Perry Cox, you have to stand up to him.
He just wants to know that you're strong enough to survive here.
So you need to go ahead and show him.
Doctor...
Doctor-Professor Cox, I actually knew the answers to all your questions.
Check it out.
Pulmonary embolism.
Pott's disease.
And Dikembe Mutombo.
That's fabulous.
I don't care.
It's just that you kept yelling and you had that vein thing popping out the side of your head.
There it is.
And sometimes I get nervous under pressure and I forget basic...
You know, the things that you speak.
- Words?
- Yes! Words.
People speak words.
Look, when you have a patient coding on the table, what, are you gonna tell the whole room to stop screaming - so that you don't get nervous?
- No.
Ooh, I know that face.
You're a crier.
You cry.
I have not cried once in my entire adult life, and I am not gonna start now because of you.
We'll see.
Be strong.
And Dr. Cox, if you do make me cry, it won't be a big deal, because I lied.
I cry all the time.
Oh, good God.
Little victories count for a lot around here, even if you never asked to win in the first place.
Congrats.
I am now going to expect more from you than I've expected from a med student, ever.
Whore.
And you have to enjoy those nice moments while you can.
This is your group's cadaver for the semester.
Because around here, they never last very long.
Treat him well.
I wonder what this guy's deal was.
Ben.
His name was Ben.
Hey.
- Would you get off...
- Why are we whispering?
I got a little mad at that Cole kid and I threw a blanket over his head and then sat on him.
- He doesn't know it's me.
- What's your exit strategy?
- I haven't really thought that far ahead.
- I got a plan.
Todd, can you come here and sit on this?
Okay.
So, dude or chick?
Actually, don't ruin it.
I'm good either way.
Ow!