09x15 - Butterfly Effect

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Mike.

Have you seen Kyle?

I swung by his desk to tell him this new knock-knock joke I heard and he hasn't come in yet.

Well, maybe he knew that you were gonna tell him a knock-knock joke.

- (MURMURS)

- Hey.

Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.

Couldn't find my keys, I almost d*ed and I forgot to set my alarm.

- What?

- W-Wait.

But what happened, son?

I guess I fell asleep before I set it.

- Not the alarm.

You said you almost d*ed.

- ED AND KYLE: Yeah.

- All right, so I just stepped out of our new apartment...

- ED: Yeah.

... and this gorgeous butterfly flew by.

You would be the first man to have been k*lled

- by a gorgeous butterfly.

- Yeah.

Well, no, no, I-I chased after it.

But a huge branch fell right where I was standing a split second before.

If not for that butterfly,

- I would have been k*lled.

- MIKE: Mm.

Yeah, I remember my first near-death experience was, boy, someplace in Peru.

Thought I fell on a mountain.

We grabbed a rock at the last minute.

S...

- But, man, does that...

That's life-changing.

- Mm.

I got right home.

First thing I did...

made up a will.

ED: That reminds me of mine.

Yeah, the next day, I went on a three-day bender in Mexico.

- (CHUCKLES)

- That was a near-death experience also.

But what a way to go.

Well, I think...

I think the point is...

it's a good point...

that, you know, you're a growing family now, you know?

Might be a great time for you to start doing some estate planning.

- Huh?

- Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Estate?

What are we, Mr. and Mrs. Batman?

Just listen to the man.

He knows what he's talking about.

Knock-knock.

Oh, I love these.

You never know who's behind the door.

- Right.

- Who's there?

Batman's parents.

But they're dead.

And the only way the kid could afford to be Batman is because his parents made out a will.

'Kay.

His knock-knock jokes are kind of sad.

Yeah, I know.

But the good ones are happy.

Come on.

I have a whole book of them.

Come here.

- Knock-knock.

Knock-knock.

- Who's there?

♪ ♪ Hey.

I thought, uh, trail mix would be the perfect snack for estate planning.

Something about "trail" and the path you're on.

I don't know.

Just me?

Just you.

Well, I'm really glad you got them to do this.

It's one of the grim realities of being a parent, even though it's gonna be scary for them.

- Woo-hoo!

Who's ready for some estate planning?

- Hey, guys.

Oh, you put out trail mix.

Because we'll be talking about our path.

Thank you, Kyle.

I feel seen.

- Well, thanks for coming over.

And, um...

- Yeah.

... a lot of this information is kind of uncomfortable,

- but it-it really needs to be read and heard, okay?

- No, yeah, - no problem.

We are ready.

Right, babe?

- All right.

- Sure.

- MIKE: (CLEARS THROAT)

Good.

Kinda.

Not really.

Oh.

Hey, look, I get it.

Y-You don't want to think about your spouse dying.

But-but, trust me, the more you talk about it, the easier it becomes.

Yeah.

How often do you talk about it?

This just isn't what I-I thought it would be.

Well, yeah, they call it estate planning, but what you're really doing is planning for when you die.

- (CHUCKLES)

No version of this you come out alive.

- Nope.

It's okay, babe.

Just remember that when we do pass on, we'll meet together in heaven again.

- Okay.

- A-And just make sure to wear that red dress so I'll be able to find you.

- Oh, the cute one with the bow?

- MIKE: Right.

- Guys.

Guys.

- No, no, no, the strapless one

- with all the sparklies.

- Oh, my gosh, the sparkles.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Can we just focus here

- for just a minute, please?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

But-but Kyle's right.

Go with the sparkly one.

I just don't like to think about Mandy dying.

- VANESSA: Okay.

- Would it be easier if we just talked about you dying?

Uh, depends.

Uh, how do I die?

Was I doing something cool, like saving a bunch of animals from a burning building or...

anything involving a bungee?

Right.

Well, all signs point to strangulation in a comfortable chair.

VANESSA: Guys, come on.

You just...

you're not taking this seriously.

Come on.

I know it's scary.

It sucks.

But you're doing this for your...

for Sarah, for your daughter.

This is only in the unfortunate circumstance that both of you die.

You know, who's gonna take care of her?

- What's gonna happen to her?

- You need to find a guardian for Sarah that you both trust.

Somebody that would raise her

- the way you want her to be raised, okay?

- So...

I think maybe we should go home and talk about this a little more.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so, too.

Thank you, guys.

Thanks.

All right, see you later.

- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- (EXHALES)

Really, how often do you talk about me dying?

Oh.

There she is!

(LAUGHS)

How's our newest executive assistant?

So excited.

- And it's such a fancy title.

- Ooh.

Although the only other title I've had is busboy, which wasn't fancy or biologically accurate.

Well, well, there's a lot less chewed food in this gig.

Well, not none...

but less.

I'm determined to do this job better than anyone ever.

- Oh.

Well...

- Got any tips?

Well, you know, it's always helped me to, you know, act like a Marine.

(GRUNTS)

That probably worked for you because you are a Marine.

Anybody could act like one.

Uh, Marines are respectful, professional, focused, uh, confident, effective, cheerful in the face of death.

What happened to the person I'm replacing?

(CHUCKLES)

Look sharp, Cadet.

- Yes, sir.

- (CHUCKLES)

There you go.

So, as executive assistant, is there anything I could do for you?

Well, um...

Whoa.

Running low on paper clips.

- I'm on it, sir.

- Mm.

How many?

Six?

Seven?

Uh, a Marine would just bring the box.

Of course.

Just bring a box.

Think, Jen, think.

- Okay, Sarah's finally asleep.

- Ah.

Just read her the periodic table.

So, of course, now I'm jazzed.

(LAUGHS)

Did she ask you why the symbol for potassium is "K"?

I-I never knew that, either.

I don't know what that's all about.

- Uh, have you heard from Mandy and Kyle?

- Mm.

They should be finished with our estate lawyer by now.

Yeah, just got a text from her.

Said "We're on our way.

We found the perfect couple to be Sarah's guardians".

With the wink emoji.

You think they're talking about us?

Hey, she used the word "perfect".

Should we talk about it?

Un-Unless you don't care one way or the other.

Oh, I care.

I care.

I care.

But-but do you care?

Oh, yes, yes.

Very much.

- S-So, what are...

what are you thinking?

- No, ladies first.

- Go.

No, come on, come on.

- No, no, no, no, no.

You go ahead.

Go ahead.

You go ahead.

What are we, kids?

Listen.

All right, let's, uh,

- go on three together.

Ready?

One.

- Okay.

All right.

- Two.

- Three.

I don't want to be Sarah's guardian.

- Ooh, wow.

Wow.

- Oh, wow!

Wow!

I thought we were gonna do it at the same time.

- I can't believe you feel that way.

- (SIGHS)

I know.

I'm...

I am such a horrible grandmother.

I'm so selfish.

I...

(GROANS)

- You must hate me.

- No, no, no.

Couldn't love you any more than I do right now.

I don't want - to take care of Sarah.

I don't want to be her guardian, honey.

- Oh, thank God.

- Oh, honey.

Oh, good.

Okay, okay.

- Oh, yeah.

- But we love her.

I love her to death.

So much.

- Yes.

Oh, so, so much.

- Yeah.

- But, really, can you see us

- chasing that kid all over the house?

- No, no.

No.

- I mean, wow.

- Oh, like a Tasmanian devil,

- throwing stuff around.

- Yeah.

- Touching all my tanks?

No way.

- But-but...

- it's such an honor just to be chosen.

- Yeah, yeah.

You know, we got to get Mandy and Kyle to pick somebody else.

- Well, it's easily done.

We just use the age card.

- Okay.

- Yeah?

Oh.

- We'll do the "things...

everything's falling apart".

- You know?

Come on.

We can...

we can play that.

- Okay.

All right, all right.

- All right, just...

- Hello.

We're back.

- Hi there.

- Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

Thanks so much for watching Sarah.

Well, watching her is one thing, but hearing her...

Is she crying now?

I can't even tell because my...

Yeah, well, you know, and I went up there to check on her...

And chased her around today.

Your knees.

Are they all right?

- She's fine, but my knees are sh*t.

Ow.

- She runs so fast.

Anyway, so you guys texted, said you found the perfect

- guardians for Sarah?

- Oh, yeah, that's right.

- Um...

um...

- Come on.

It's Mark.

Mike!

I don't even remember my own name sometimes.

Yeah.

And not just any guardians, the best ones imaginable.

Yeah.

You guys ready for this?

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, if anything happens to us, the people we've chosen to care for Sarah are...

BOTH: Ed and Bonnie.

- Ed?

- Bonnie?

- SARAH (CALLING OUT): Mommy.

- Oh, Sarah's up.

We should get her home for dinner.

Hey, yeah, let's feed her while she's still ours.

Hey.

Oh, it's you.

Is Kyle here?

Oh, I'm good, thanks.

Uh, yeah, he's picking up the woodchipper that we rented.

We're gonna get rid of that branch that tried to k*ll him.

Oh, and you think the wood chipper will finish him off, huh?

Well, you know, it's not a bad thing that you're here.

Mike Baxter said it's not a bad thing that I'm here.

I will tell my therapist.

Oh, I think you have bigger fish to fry.

Listen, um...

did you know that Kyle and Mandy picked Ed and, uh, Bonnie to be Sarah's guardian?

- What?

Really?

- Yeah.

We just assumed they would pick us.

Yeah.

Kind of hurts.

You probably want to talk to your therapist now, huh?

(EXHALES)

Seriously.

Oh, you're mocking me.

Vanessa and I just found this out, and we both think somebody should gently tell them to change their mind.

You don't do "gently".

Probably should talk to my therapist about that.

Oh, you-you see a therapist?

That's...

Oh, you're mocking me.

- I really want...

- (CLEARS THROAT)

- Oh, hey.

Yeah.

- Hey, Mr. B.

Hey, did you come to help?

Woody Woodchipper is all set up.

That's what I named the woodchipper.

No.

As much as I love the sound of a good woodchipper, um, I'm actually impressed that you two are doing this together.

Or did you invite Ed over to help you out?

Oh, Mr. Alzate?

No, no, today's the day he paints watercolors.

Yeah, last week he painted horses.

Or it might have been dogs.

I don't know, they had legs.

Yeah, well, you know, Ed's got a lot of hobbies.

You know, I think it's the time in his life he...

he should have the ability to enjoy those hobbies.

Oh, yeah, I agree.

Is this about the will?

Yeah.

I mean, you picked Ed.

I don't know why.

Because he's the greatest man I know.

Second greatest.

Or tied.

Ooh, don't do this to me.

Uh, could be a three-way tie.

Standing right here.

You've really given me something to think about.

Oh, hey, and if you need help thinking about it...

you know, someone who shares your values and worldview...

I'm your man.

Oh, hey, my butterfly is back.

No, no, don't go near the chipper.

It's not a cave, it's a tunnel of knives.

Kyle, the woodchipper's not on.

He doesn't know that.

Good afternoon, sir.

Check that.

It's not quite .

Good morning, sir.

- Jen?

Hi.

- Yes, ma'am.

Oh.

Oh, please don't call me that.

Reminds me of the first time somebody did that.

I was only .

Granted, I was pushing a stroller.

That sounds like an upsetting experience.

I hate that you had to go through that, ma'am.

Well...

Jen, what is going on with you?

Susan in accounting said that you saluted her?

I mean, it kind of freaked her out.

Darn it.

I knew that would seem weird in the ladies' room.

Listen.

Listen, Jen.

Jen, listen.

Look at me.

Look at me.

It's okay.

I know that finding your place here can be a little stressful.

You know what I do?

Just treat everyone like family.

Lovingly, but with a hint of passive-aggressive childhood resentment under the surface?

Not quite.

Uh, no, I mean, you know, friendly, familiar, casual.

- Okay.

- Okay.

So, uh, what would you say to me if I just entered the room?

Hello, Kristin.

Welcome to the room!

Okay.

Okay, uh, maybe a little more relaxed.

Okay.

Uh...

Good afternoon, Kris.

Better.

Uh, just really loosen up.

You know, just...

Uh...

'sup, girlfriend?

Hey, Ed, have you seen my chair?

It's under my butt.

Well, hose it off and give it back to me.

Kyle said, after talking to you, he and Mandy no longer want me to be the guardian.

- So that's what this is about?

- Mm-hmm.

You know, him asking meant a lot to me, Mikey.

Yeah, taking care of Sarah, which I do all the time.

You don't want any part of this.

Of course I don't.

I'm not an idiot.

I already raised my own kids.

Well, so what are you mad about?

You know, I botched that job, and my kids barely speak to me, but when Kyle asked me, it was almost like somebody finally telling me that I was a good dad.

I get it.

Listen.

I-I did it 'cause I thought I was doing you a favor.

All right, it's not your fault, all right?

It's...

What can I do?

You've known me a long time.

You know what I want.

- For me to drop it.

- Bingo.

Well, you've known me a long time, and you know I'm not going to.

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.

We sell magic here.

Not the kind where big faces in small rooms "ooh" and "ah" as you guess their card.

I'm talking about the spell that lasts generations.

There's nothing more magical for a kid than his first hunting trip.

On mine, my dad gave me my first drag on one of his Pall Malls.

(LAUGHS, COUGHS)

Yeah, that trip made me fall in love with the outdoors and guaranteed I'd never be a smoker.

Boy, that ad writes itself, doesn't it?

"Fresh mountain air got you down?

Here, suck on one of these death sticks".

Geez.

My favorite story from American literature about passing down the hunting tradition is William Faulkner's "The Bear".

The mentor's name is Sam Fathers.

Gee, could you be more on the nose with that, Bill?

But old Sam isn't little Ike's dad, because the author understood you don't have to be someone's father to be a great father figure.

Faulkner was a very wise man, even if he could never get the hang of how to use a period.

That guy's stream of consciousness is longer than the wait at the DMV.

Well, maybe you've been lucky enough to have someone in your life who picked up the slack where your own dad fell short.

These guys are the real heroes to me.

So here's to all the father figures, stepfathers, uncles, coaches, teachers and mentors who have filled that void and helped shape lost young bucks into the men who could become great dads themselves.

And now for a little more magic.

Behold as I disappear.

Baxter...

out.

- Hey, Chuck.

- Hey.

What happened to your chair?

I don't know.

And as head of security, I find that embarrassing.

- Your papers, sir.

- Oh, great.

I encountered some resistance with the copy machine, but the situation has been handled.

Thank you, Jen.

Um, at ease?

Jen?

Oh, hey, Krispy-critter.

What's going on, boss lady?

- (LAUGHS)

Jen.

- What's up, C-Note?

I mean...

sir.

Are you okay?

I don't know.

(PANTING)

I'm just trying to fit in.

Mr.

Baxter gave me this job, and I don't want to let him down.

- Chuck, you've been here a long time.

- Mm-hmm.

Have you ever seen my father give anybody anything?

Well, he gives me crap all the time.

But only time he'll give you a job is if you've earned it.

Jen, if he hired you to be an executive assistant, it means that he knew you were ready for it.

It means he-he saw something in you.

Really?

Like what?

I don't know.

What do you think it was?

Well, I guess I'm smart, and I have good judgment.

And people like me, and I'm honest.

Hey, I should just be myself.

- That's a great idea.

- (LAUGHTER)

I'm clever, I'm funny,

- I've got really cute shoes.

- Oh.

Yeah.

We get it.

(LAUGHS)

You ready to start over?

Yes, ma'am.

I mean...

Kris.

Thank you.

- And thank you.

Mr. Larabee.

- Mm.

Now, do either of you need anything?

No.

I'm good.

I'd like to find the knucklehead who took my chair.

Oh, I think Mr. Baxter has it.

I'm good.

Hey, I got a message I was supposed to come to your office.

Not from me.

I'm brooding.

Listen, Ed, you said you were having a meeting about... ?

- What?

You, too?

- Ah...

All right, something weird is going on here.

Oh, good.

All right, you're all here.

If this is an intervention, I'm gonna need a drink, and I drink alone.

All right, I brought you guys here because I-I have a few things that I wanted to say.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, what's with the note cards?

Oh, uh, sometimes when I get emotional, I lose my train of thought, so I've written some things down.

Oh, good.

There's gonna be emotions.

- Mm.

- Okay.

All right, Mr. B, I-I watched your vlog on father figures, and I realized that you were talking to me.

And-and when we finished watching it, Mandy and I...

we sat down, and we had a long conversation about who would be the best guardian for Sarah.

And we decided on you, Mr. B.

Oh, wonderful.

That's another punch to the gut.

Okay, can everybody get out of my office now, please?

- Go.

- Now, hold on, son.

Hold on.

- Hang on.

- MIKE: Wait a minute...

- Hang on, Mr. B.

- We also decided on you, Ryan.

- Yes!

(CLEARS THROAT QUIETLY)

How nice of you to make this announcement in my office.

We also decided on you, Mr. Alzate.

Yeah, that's t...

Yes.

Are you sure that tree branch didn't hit you in the head?

We want you all three to be Sarah's guardians.

Hmm.

Well.

If I'm...

I'm gonna look at the cards now.

"If I'm a good father at all, it's because of the three men in this room.

I love you all so much, and..." Ryan, take the cards.

Take...

Get the cards.

Okay.

- Come on.

- "I love you all so much, and I know that I wouldn't be the father I am today

(CRYING): if it weren't for the influence...

... you all made in my life".

Give me the damn cards.

- Whoa.

- (MUTTERS): What kind of guys are these?

"This is the best way for me to honor what you three amazing fathers mean to me".

(CLEARS THROAT)

Three.

It's nice, Kyle.

So you and Kristin will be the primary guardians.

- Yes!

- But then, Mr. B, Mr. Alzate... you'll have a say on all the big decisions.

Sounds like a plan.

- Hey, oh, let's go tell Kris, Okay?

- Yeah.

Ooh.

Gonna need these cards.

- Hmm.

- He's a good kid.

Yeah, he is a good kid.

I watched that vlog you made for him.

I can see why he loved it.

Actually didn't make that for him.

I made that for you, Ed.

- For me?

- Yes, for you.

Um...

you literally have been like a father to me.

You really have, over these years, and I wouldn't be the man I am today without... without you.

Mikey.

One second here.

- Ah.

- Take your chair back.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Just sit down.

I'll wheel you in.

I'll wheel you in.

- Sit down.

Say when.

- Give me a ride.

Give me a ride.

Go.

- Don't hit anything.

This way.

Go, go.

- Okay.

You're getting heavy.

You getting fat?

Huh?

Watch it.

Watch it.

Watch the door... !

Okay.

Sarah's finally asleep.

- Oh, thank you for putting her to bed, Mom.

- Oh.

You know, it usually takes us forever.

First, she wants a book, then another book.

Then she wants some water, and then I want some water.

Well, she's never fussy with me.

She usually just goes right out.

So you just read her that chemical thingamajig?

- Yes.

Yes, the periodic table.

- Well, how does it even work?

Well, I just start at the beginning, and then...

I'll show you.

Here.

Um, okay.

Uh, hydrogen.

First discovered by Henry Cavendish in .

Although, interestingly, Robert Boyle produced it as early as .

Um, then next up is helium.

It's the lightest of the noble gases.

It holds one atomic orbital, but we may run out of it in years, so get used to your balloons just laying on the carpet.

Even Sarah makes it to tellurium.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)