That's new.
Oh, yeah. My girlfriend
gave me a watch.
Do you give a crap,
or are you just hoping
that by pointing out
something new of mine,
I'll segue the conversation into talking
about something new of yours, like...
Your new prepubescent
"Miami Vice" beard.
There are those who say I look
like a young Kenny Loggins.
- Who?
- Me.
Time to go
teach the new interns.
They started a week ago,
and they sucked!
This patient's loss of temperature
sensation on the contralateral side
is consistent
with which syndrome, Rodney?
There was Katie,
the self-centered climber...
McConaughey's.
McConaughey's.
McConaughey is not a syndrome.
He is, however, one of
our finest working actors.
I recently learned
how I could lose him in days.
Katie is sabotaging you,
I assume,
- because she knows the answer.
- Brown-sequard syndrome.
Yay, Katie got it.
There was Denise,
who could be a bit callous...
You know...
It's ironic that "cancer"
starts with "can,"
because at this stage,
there's nothing
we can do about it.
Let's take a walk, sunshine.
I...
And there was Ed.
Ed, did you finish
those case reports last night?
Ah! I totally
was gonna do it, man,
but I was on this "Lost"
fan site last night
talking to this chick.
About an hour in, I realize
it's a dude messin' with me.
- I've been there.
- Revenge time.
I signed up for a new account--
Hotgirl .
I start flirtin'
with this dude.
I'm like, "Oh, hey,
I look just like Kate."
And he's totally into it,
right?
Next thing you know,
I got him to agree
to a personal meet-up
here in the hospital
where he'll be holding
a red balloon.
- Wait a minute, you're Hotgirl ?
- Yeah.
- The new interns all suck!
- Yeah, but I'm gonna handle it.
Like you handled
Jimmy the overly-touchy orderly?
Somebody looking for me?
No, Jimmy, we're fine.
All right. Let me know if
you need anything. Okay.
Have you noticed he only
touches above the waist now?
You're welcome.
You know, our intern class
was the last good one.
You must've liked my class
a little,
seeing as you almost
married me.
Mm, yeah, but hello, Keith,
I didn't.
That was harsh,
but no one cared
because today we were meeting
Dr. Kelso's replacement
as Chief of Medicine--
Dr. Taylor Maddox.
She was smokin' hot, so first
I had to see her like this...
I wanna be your lover, baby,
I wanna be your man
I don't want no other, baby,
want you again and again
and I've waited
all night long
now I know what I wanna do
I just wanna make
love to you, come on!
Yeah!
Hi. Hi.
But then I noticed
how friendly she seemed.
She had the most infectious
smile. No one could resist it.
- And I mean no one.
- No.
Yes!
Never!
Here it comes!
- Clear.
- Aah!
Brava!
Oh, yeah!
Yes!
You proud fool.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you everything
you need to know about me.
One-- I have an open door policy.
Two-- if you do your job well,
you're great with me. Okay?
And three-- I don't like spiders.
So if you see one,
I want you to stomp it.
I want you to stomp it dead,
okay?
I don't want you
to put it into a little cup
and take it outside,
because it'll just
find its way back in, okay?
They're sneaky.
Oh, can someone help that man
to his room?
Oh. No, I-I'm not sick.
I'm just cold,
and there were no chairs.
I'm-- I'm a lawyer.
- Of course you are, sweetie.
- I'm on it.
She's the new boss, Ted.
Aah!
Does it hurt here?
Or here? How about here?
Or under here?
Do I know you?
Jimmy, heel!
Slowly move. Just slowly move.
Don't rush anything. No, Jimmy.
Oh, Jimmy.
Breathe deep for me real slow.
I just wanna feel you breathe.
Yeah. That's a boy.
That's a boy. That's a boy.
Good. Breathe on my face.
"My Jerks"
Okay, time to connect
with the new chief
using a picture of my son
and some brilliant acting.
Oh! Is that your boy?
What's that? Oh, yeah.
- His name is Sam.
- I have a daughter of my own.
It's working!
Now seal the deal
with a follow-up question,
but nothing too personal.
Did you deliver vaginally?
I did.
Big girl. Must've hurt.
Wow.
Hi, Mr. Hicks. So you were
admitted to the hospital
- with shortness of breath?
- Yes, that's right.
Okay, so I'm just gonna...
Die! Die! Die!
Sorry. Spider. Um,
I'm just gonna take you up
- and get you a full-body scan, okay?
- Yeah.
And there she goes.
A chief of medicine working
one-on-one with a patient?
Maybe she's not so bad.
- I think she's probably a jerk.
- Why?
That position
attracts jerks.
Plus, well, I know jerks.
Hell, I married a jerk.
I divorced a jerk.
- New freckle.
- I'm interrupted by jerks.
Look, just give me two minutes
with this Maddox,
and I'll know for sure
whether or not she's a jerk.
Well, go!
Pass.
I know people are down
on these new interns,
but everyone's teachable,
you know?
- Even Jo.
- Who?
I like to call Denise "Jo"
because she reminds me
of that streetwise, mannish girl
on "Facts of Life."
You know,
Katie's cutesy and blonde.
- You could call her "Blair."
- "Blair" is stupid.
"Blair" is perfect,
but now I can never use it
in front of Turk,
or he'll say 'You're welcome!'
in that really smug way of his.
Okay, let's gather 'round
for rounds.
Get it? "'round for rounds"?
You can use it.
Our first patient is
presenting with biliary colic...
And, uh-- Ed, would--
Would you mind-- would you mind
turning off the beeping
if you're gonna text?
- I'll turn it off.
- Thank you!
Uh, upper right abdominal pain.
What's your diagnosis... Jo?
I know.
Of course you do, Katie,
because you know anything
that anyone's ever asked
you ever. But I didn't ask you.
I asked Jo.
Well, the patient definitely
looks like hell, so--
Quick side note--
When a patient's eyes are open,
that usually means
that they're awake.
Sorry, Mrs. Gallagher.
You look very beautiful today.
Doesn't she?
Yeah, your jaundice
makes you glow.
Yes, yellow like the sun.
- Ed, stop texting!
- I'm not texting.
I'm looking at photos
of Sienna Miller's breasts.
There's a difference.
Okay, well, do that more
later, when we're together.
Jo, you were saying?
I'm guessing Mrs. Gallagher
probably has cholecy--
Cholecystitis.
She has cholecystitis.
- I'm gonna cut your throat.
- Okay, that's enough, Jo.
- You, too, Blair.
- Welcome!
Damn it!
If you want,
you can call me "Tootie."
- I don't think it's r*cist.
- Oh, oh, fine.
I'm Tootie, and I know how
to go on the web and BitTorrent.
You probably shouldn't be texting
while you're leading rounds.
I'm-- Oh, I'm-- th--
this is his phone.
- It's not my phone.
- W.T.H?!
Oh, fine. It's not your phone.
Hey, want a phone, buddy?
No.
All right, listen,
I want you
to run some renal function tests
on Mr. Hicks.
Can you do that, or do you have
more questions about my vag*na?
Lie!
No.
Hmm.
Dr. Maddox,
I just wanted to say
how excited I am to
be working with you.
Katie is such a kiss ass.
You mean "mini-Elliot"?
What? That's what
everybody's calling her.
It's probably
just because we are...
Both blonde
and have perky boobs.
Or...
It's because she is incredibly
whiny and self-involved,
and you, Barboo, for the last
year and a half or so,
have been the most self-involved
and whiny person in the galaxy.
What nobody understands
about me...
Point proven. Thank you.
Okay...
Mm, suck-up's back.
You're abrasive.
That's enough, Blair.
- Welcome!
- Damn it!
Okay, listen up, guys. I gotta
go take care of Mr. Hicks,
so I need you guys to watch
the floor. Check every patient
and switch out any lines
that need changing.
Monitor Mr. Lombardi's
blood gas,
and intubate him
if he starts getting acidotic.
Work as a team,
you'll be all over it.
Let's have some hands in,
okay?
Somebody has some
very soft hands.
I sleep in gloves.
Right on.
Okay, nobody die!
Nobody die!
Dr. Kelso...
Now that you're retired,
I can finally say this.
You, sir...
- Oh, I can't do it.
- You'll get there, Ted.
- What's with the balloon?
- It's been a sad day.
Can you even believe Dr. Cox?
calling me whiny
and self-involved?
Elliot, you know how
we're so close
we can say anything
to each other, right?
Yeah?
Look, over the last year
or so,
you've been going through
a lot.
You got engaged.
You broke off your wedding
at the last second.
It'd be easy for anyone to
become a little self-absorbed.
What are you saying,
Carla?
This is why
I come here every day.
You come here every day?
Loser!
My balloon!
Mr. Hicks' renal tests
came back negative.
Thank God.
See, Bernie isn't just
a patient. He's also my lover.
Really?
No!
He's fat, bald and ugly!
- Thanks a lot!
- Aah!
Okay, just swallow your pain
and fix this.
Look, Dr. Maddox,
I think you're
a very well-built...
Sturdy woman.
Like a shed.
No, not like a shed.
Like a...
Naughty...
- Like it.
- Structure.
- Structure?
- I should go.
Ugh! Aah!
Stop confusing me by being nice
and giving me phones.
Fine! But why did you
have to trip me?
Let me answer that question
with another question--
'cause I wanted to?
- Ahem! Excuse me.
- Yeah?
Do you think
it would've been funny
if he had broken his neck?
I feel like
you want me to say "no."
- What's your name?
- Oh, boy. You really are new here.
Uh-oh.
- "The Janitor."
- Howdy!
Oh, say, Beth,
your patient Mr. Lombardi
is about to crash.
How'd that happen?
Well, sometimes
when people get owies
and they're left untreated,
they become even bigger owies.
Hey! You guys are supposed
to tube him if he got acidotic.
- What the hell?!
- He's not my patient, man.
Uh, I-I was over there.
Now he's coding.
Crash cart!
Sometimes just two words
are enough to make your
thoughts perfectly clear...
So you actually agree
with what Dr. Cox said about me?
Whether you're being
brutally honest...
I do.
Or holding someone
accountable...
You're fired.
What about my son?
That's my daughter!
I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.
May I see it again?
Please?
Aah! Eeh!
Or apologizing
for a major screwup.
We're sorry.
Yeah. We'll-- we'll get it
together from now on.
Promise.
But for some reason,
I didn't want to hear it.
You know what?
I'm done with you guys.
Hey, C-Bear,
every time I see Maddox,
I get one step closer
to ending my career.
- Aw, you'll be fine. Maddox seems cool.
- I don't know about that.
I- I just can't
shake the feeling
- that woman is a complete tool.
- You've been saying that all day.
Why don't you just go talk to her
and figure it out once and for all?
Nah.
Hey, aren't you
supposed to be at rounds?
Oh, they're driving me crazy.
Someone needs to send those
interns to an internment camp.
Dude, internment camps
are never funny.
I always forget that Turk
is one-eighth Japanese.
Hey, can you give Mr. Hicks
a full cardiac workup?
Of course.
And what would you say
if I said he was my lover?
I'd know that obviously
you were joking
because you are
way out of his league.
Oh, there-- there
that is. We're doing this. Okay.
- I like you the best.
- Oh.
Thanks, mom...
Ma'am. Ma'am.
She's not your mom.
Well, she certainly doesn't
think that I'm all about me.
I was just being honest.
I'd want you
to do the same for me
if I were doing things
I might regret later.
Name one thing that I've done
lately that I'm gonna regret.
Mmm!
- Oh!
- Hey, blondie!
- Ahh.
- Show me your rack!
No!
Ooh! Yah!
Oh, like that
is gonna come back to haunt me.
- What else you got?
- Well, what about the way
you're always mocking Keith
about not marrying him?
You probably don't even realize
how devastated he still is.
Oh, hey, ladies!
Awesome day, huh?
Awesome!
Ugh.
I hope he'll pull through.
And now on to our next patient.
Let's go, b*tches!
Why is Dr. Squeaky Pants
leading rounds?
Where the hell is Dorian?
Keith is not
still devastated.
I mean, what the hell
is Carla talking about?
- She's completely off base, right?
- I have to disagree with you.
You don't see my point at all?
You don't understand.
I'm married to Carla, right?
She has spies everywhere.
So I have to disagree with you.
I'm on to you, Rochelle.
Dr. Reid?
May I talk to you?
Ted, are you gonna talk?
In a second.
I'm just waiting
for the anti-anxiety medication
to kick in.
And... There it is.
Hey, baby.
Yeah, Ted,
I'm actually in charge
of keeping
a lot of people alive, so--
Carla's right.
Keith's a mess.
He hasn't been able to pull out
of it since you ended things.
- He's sad all the time.
- Yeah, I don't see it.
Of course you don't.
No one ever wants
the person who hurt them
to ever see how badly
they've been hurt.
- Morning.
- Morning.
It's amazing
how the exact same question
can have
totally different connotations.
May I talk to you?
May I talk to you?
May I talk to you?
I have to ask,
when I fired you before...
- Did you think I was kidding?
- No, I knew you were serious
'cause I heard that you fired
Jimmy the orderly.
What'd he do?
Okay, this is where
you keep all of the tension.
Do you mind
if I do a yogi chant?
It relaxes the muscles.
Ha, maya, maya, ma-ha!
- Do you feel that?
- Mm-hmm.
But that's just Jimmy
being Jimmy.
You know, the incident yesterday
with Dr. Dorian--
I swear to you
that will never happen again...
Even though he deserved it.
- I don't know.
- Come on! I've been here forever.
You can't just throw me
out of the hospital.
No, but I can walk you out
without you even noticing.
Well-played.
- I need your keys.
- Mmm.
- Where are the rest?
- I got tired of carrying 'em all,
so I made one that works
on everything. Watch!
Huh? How about that?
Come on. Hit the highway!
Thank you.
No!
Keith...
I just realized that I
never really took the time
to apologize for the way
things ended between us.
I mean, I did say
that I was so sorry right
when it happened. Remember?
We were outside,
I gave you the ring back,
you started crying and cr--
Uh, no need to recap,
Elliot.
Right.
Look, I know
this was my decision,
so it was easier for me
to move on,
and, well, you know,
make jokes and stuff.
I guess that I've been
so self-involved
I never stopped to think
that you still may be hurting.
Anyway, I just wanted
to really apologize...
For everything.
Thanks.
It means a lot.
- Hug?
- No.
Okay.
Why would you pass off
your interns?
I just-- I can't deal
with them anymore.
Really? Because I had an intern
just a couple of years back
that I hated.
Honestly,
he was so maddening
that my therapist put me
on a su1c1de/homicide watch.
Do I know this intern?
- Intimately.
- I figured.
This is a teaching hospital.
You have to teach.
I know.
I'm just-- I'm-- I'm so tired
of their attitude
and I'm tired
of their ignorance.
It's the same thing
year after year.
I'm just...
Tired.
Here comes the tongue-lashing.
Boy, I get that.
Why do you think I've been
avoiding the new chief?
Because if I do talk to her,
and she is indeed a jerk,
then once again,
I'm gonna have to be that guy
who gets in her face
over every little injustice.
But you wanna know something?
I'm tired, too.
- So what do we do?
- I don't know.
Oh, my God!
He's treating me like an equal.
Quick, do something equals do!
Why would you do that?
I don't know.
I thought equals shared coffee.
No.
So this intern
that you mentioned...
Earlier,
I'm sure eventually
he turned into
a pretty amazing doctor.
- Didn't he?
- Actually, it was a "she."
It wasn't me?
No, no, it was you.
It was you.
- Hey.
- We'll get there.
Okay, you get nice and comfy.
Dr. Reid gave me
Mr. Hicks' test results,
but they're
locked in my briefcase,
and I lost the key.
Allow me.
Mm, loving this thing!
And... Here it is.
Hey, how come
all you have in here
is a smiley face button
and a revolver?
Well, one's in case
I get sad,
and the other one's
in case I get really sad.
Well, see you tomorrow.
We'll see.
Ah.
Oh, Mr. Hicks'
cardiac test results.
- They're negative.
- Hmm.
What do you know
about that?
Just like the other tests
we ordered
for a man who's only complaint
was shortness of breath.
I assume there's a nugget
of a point buried in there.
Why you running that guy
through the wringer?
Because he's got
awesome insurance.
He's %
pure profit machine.
Ca... And might I add...
Ching!
I mean, I may even order
an M.R.I
just to see if he's actually
stuffed with money.
In fact,
I think I'm ordering one.
And since you cried about it,
why don't you
take him to radiology
like a good little boy?
[ # Catch My Disease # ]
My head is a box...
Sometimes it really sucks
to do the right thing...
And that's the way I like it
So, please...
- You were right about me...
- Baby, please!
And thanks.
Open your heart
- Don't mention it.
- Love you.
- I love you, too.
- Catch my disease.
Trying to teach
a bunch of jerks...
Okay, when dealing
with peripheral neuropathy,
always think...
Diabetes first.
Or once again,
facing off with a jerk.
Look, you can't just
bleed a guy's insurance dry
just because you want to pay
for a new x-ray machine.
Oh, will you shut up if I give you
a key that opens everything?
The more things change,
the more they stay the same, huh?
Hi, folks!
If you need anything cleaned up,
just give me a shout, okay?
Sure.
- Who the hell is that?
- I don't know.
I like him.
Interns, alright!
You guys psyched?
It's our eighth year.
- Who's with me?
- Yay.
Come on. I know it's tempting
to just mail it in,
but there's still
a lot of people
who rely on us week to week.
I think we owe it to them
to be as inspired as we were
in our first few years.
Now I know we never do great
come medical awards season...
Except for Dr. Shalhoub.
He wins everything.
But I still think we're as good
as anybody else out there.
The Nielsens'
certainly beg to differ.
Oh, they're just upset
'cause their insurance
won't cover a private room.