With all the bureaucracy
in the hospital,
sometimes you have to bend
the rules to help a patient.
Unfortunately, the new
Chief of Medicine didn't like it
and she was everywhere.
Patient rooms--
What you doing, rockstar?
Uh, nothing, I'm just, uh...
[ Song: Lookin' Over My Shoulder
Band: The Basics ]
That's not right!
Work stations...
You need to wear a bell.
Even the O.R!
Thanks for letting
me observe, fellas.
Come on,
you got five more surgeries today!
Tumour's down by his bean bags!
We should probably take that out.
It's like, all of a sudden,
this hospital is a police state.
I mean,
next thing you know,
they're gonna be charging doctors
for candy at the gift shop.
They do charge doctors for
candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
Really?
Then, why does Johann always let me--
Because he wants to make you his
wife and bring you back to Estonia.
That's why he's always asking me
if I'm comfortable around oxen.
Elliot, I'm trying to
talk to you about Maddox
and how we can't work the system anymore.
Correction:
You can't work the system anymore.
I, can.
For instance, I just got Mr. Tillman
back there into a clinical trial
that has a cut-off age of .
He's actually .
But if anyone asks Mr. Tillman,
you're how old?
!
I forgot to mention
that it is a clinical
trial for head injuries.
- Ah, he hurt his head.
- Ah!
The point is,
that I'm still able to give
top-notch care to my patients,
whereas you, are not.
!
You know why?
I am a much, much
better doctor than you.
Ooh, look at that big lollipop!
I wouldn't know whether I'll lick it
or that it'd just lift up my
skirt and spank myself with it.
Elliot!
It's free candy!
Dr. Reid, I thought you gave a great
endocrynology lecture today,
even though some of the other interns think
you go of on personal tangents too much.
Who?
Oh, I shouldn't say.
Denise.
Anyway, I was hoping
you could have signed me some
more interesting procedures?
Rain it in...
Katie.
Just go place a
central line on Mr. Clark.
Thanks!
Wow!
The butt-kissing isn't even the worst part.
I feel like Katie will do
anything to get ahead, you know.
I'm this close to
freezing her olive (sp?).
Just like I did Dr. Simmons.
Yeah,
what would you do with her?
Hello, she wears the exact
same thing as me everyday.
Yeah,
we're talking about you, skank!
Nice dress!
Veronica, I have no idea how are
you doing this! But I will find out.
!
Hi, Mr. Tillman.
You ready to go to work?
Hello, Mr. Rosell!
You can call me Pat.
This is my daughter Christine.
So Pat, I understand that you
have multiple sclerosis
and that you are interested
being put on Interferon.
I held off
as long as I could but,
now the hand spasms and
the nausea are pretty bad.
Plus, I'm colour-blind.
Well, we're gonna go run
a whole bunch of tests.
And get some coffee.
Oh!
Dammit!
Now I have to go change.
So,
how you holding up?
Cleaning's an art,
my mop was my paintbrush.
Oh no, it's the first time I've
seen the janitor since he was fired.
I have to seem like I care.
Think of the saddest thing you can.
Turk's dead, Turk's dead,
Turk's dead, Turk's de--
Oh my God!
What if something
really happened to him?
I'd be lost!
Stop thinking like that,
Turk's fine!
Turk's fine, Turk's fine,
Turk's fine, Turk's fine!
JD!
The janitor got fired.
No, it's okay.
He knows,
he just doesn't care.
See, in his mind, I'm the
bad guy in our relationship,
even though if he stopped to think
about it for a minute, he would realise
I never did a thing to
him that he didn't deserve.
You locked me in a water tower!
You were on the wall.
You destroyed my scooter, Sasha!
You know I hate Wednesdays.
You haunted my pediatric patients.
You didn't wear the shorts that
my imaginary wife made for you.
Janitor, I just heard.
I'm so sorry!
What?
'Sup?
Oh, come on!
How's that even possible?
'My Saving Grace'
!
Hey!
Thanks for placing that
central line for me.
I'm just so not great at
that procedure, you know.
Look at you,
watching over the ICU like a proud
lioness looking out over her jungle.
Elliot, stop.
Oh my God,
that wasn't a real 'stop',
that was a 'keep going because
I'm actually loving this stop', wasn't it?
Maybe...
I never got one of these before!
This is so exciting!
I'll leave before I ruin it.
Great job on
Mr. Clark's central line.
Thanks, it was super easy.
Okay Mr. Rosell,
let's get you on in some Interferon.
So it can start interferring
with that pesky MS of yours.
Are you making fun
of my multiple sclerosis?
Sorry, I mean...
I'm just trying to lighten the moment.
It won't happen again, I promise.
Interferon, sounds like the name of
a robot that always gets in the way.
So we brought you some pills
for your pain and your nausea.
Dr. Dorian?
- JD. Pills.
- Right, pills.
Take the red one now
for the pain.
Mr. Rosell took the red pill.
Yeah, we told him to.
If he can't see colours,
how did he know which one is red?
He's just another addict
scamming us for meds.
Frick on a stick!
Looking for something?
Yes, my 'Cloak of Invisibility',
so that I can avoid conversations with
soul-less dictators such as yourself.
Unfortunately,
it's really hard to find,
because as the name suggests,
it's invisible.
Alright, Dr. Cox.
Ridiculous name,
by the way.
If you're looking for your patient
Mr. Tillman,
my guess is he's probably in a
bus somewhere, screaming, " !".
See, I've anounced him
from his head trauma trial
because I learned that
somebody was lying about his age.
See ya!
I gotta get rid of this Maddox.
Honest to God, she is...
Why aren't you listening to me?
Because of that.
That scone looks good.
Oh yeah?
We should have sex later.
How did you get from
that image to that thought?
I'll tell you tonight.
Just bring home a scone
and a Hawaiian shirt.
Mama's heating up!
Donnie,
do my free muffins per
wife include scones?
Nope.
Damn you, God!
I am getting rid of Maddox.
Who's in?
I'm in.
Ever since you fired me,
I've been moping around my apartment,
making parking sounds.
I-I'm not crazy,
I just need some human interaction
and the barking makes the neighbours yell,
"Shut the damn thing up!"
Then I can go over there with a bottle
of scotch and apologize for Rusty,
my imaginary akita.
The only downside is that about
the time Lady, my girlfriend,
gets home,
I'm too drunk to talk to her.
Much less make love.
You've never pictured me as an
organism that has sex, have you?
- We have not.
- No.
I understand.
Is Dr. Maddox really that bad?
Hmm, she's like you.
Only smarter on the ball.
That must suck!
Admit it.
You miss having me as the
Chief of Medicine.
Bob!
I will gladly admit to
anything that's true,
no matter how embarrasing.
For example,
I've always wished that I
could carry a child inside of me,
and you know, birth it.
But I'll never admit
to missing you, Bob.
Ever.
Rusty, heel!
Donnie,
I'm gonna need a Double Chocolate
Blaster as a 'pick-me-up'.
Maybe another.
Hello, girls.
Oh, sit down, Katie,
sit down!
It's time to set you straight!
But we'd better do it fast because,
man, you're annoying.
Why do you think you
can talk to me like this?
You're just a nurse.
Okay.
A:
I'm a lioness.
B:
Who the hell do you think
runs this place?
The nursing staff is
already turned on you.
Why do you think you were assigned
baldous impactions (sp?) this week?
I don't care, I'm good at it.
Plus, this morning,
I found a silver dollar.
Everyone's onto you,
missy.
Pretty soon,
you're gonna get called out.
You're lying to us.
You took the red pill,
you can see colours.
You know, I'm
sick and tired of low-lifes like you
trying to come here and
squirt pain medication off of us, okay?
You make us care
and then because you're word,
we're gonna see through your little plan.
You don't even laugh
at our jokes.
Actually, the Interferon joke
was sort of funny.
You damn right it was, Pat!
Okay?
But this time,
no one's getting off easy.
My cousin is a cop.
And not a good cop either,
a rogue cop!
- Christine, it's you, isn't it?
- Hold on, hold on Elliot.
You ever watched The Shield, Pat?
Do you happen to get FX, Pat?
Because you're gonna get
Michael Chicklest!
In the head!
He's the orange guy
in Fantastic Four;
that's coming down on ya!
JD!
Look at her hand,
it's in spasm.
You're the one who
wants the MS, right?
I don't have any insurance and
my dad just thought that since he did--
Look, we'll go, alright?
If you, uh,
could just not tell anyone,
we'd be very grateful.
Elliot and I knew
what we had to do.
Okay, Pat.
You have MS.
And you're not leaving here
until you get your medication.
Thank you.
Do you know how grateful
people would be
if you showed them even
a little common decency.
Oh please!
This place is so competitive.
No one looks out
for each other here.
Ah, yeah.
This Maddox is a damn sketchy.
I guarantee you will find
something in these files.
Hurry up, man,
I don't wanna get busted!
Now listen there, great babe,
I only invited you to help me
because it had never dawned
on me that you'd get all
panicky over a little
breaking-and-entering.
Actually, I'm not.
See, this stuff has
become so mundane to me
that I've created a character
who's terrified about
going back to prison.
And through him,
I hope to feel once again,
the old rush.
You carry on.
Good.
'Cause I can't go back there, man!
Not after what they did to Johnny!
Oh Johnny, he was the best.
I wish you knew him.
They shaked him with a shiv,
then they shift him with a shick.
Out for a pack of smokes.
Johnny,
you were too beautiful
for this world, man.
I'll be king in the next!
Johnny!
Johnny.
Hey, guys?
Listen!
I popped in here earlier
and not Mr. Rosell
but his daughter showing signs of MS.
They were lying to get her the dr*gs.
Can you believe it?
I'm angry!
I wanna shake these things!
Hard!
Anyway, I played the bad guy for you
and I tossed them out.
I love playing the bad guy!
I'd even wear black scrubs
if they made them.
Do you even know what people
are calling you around here?
I know, I don't care.
Because I wrote the worst one
on this piece of paper.
Sausages, sausages
and more sausages?
It's actually...
Turk's grocery list.
But you do care,
don't you?
Katie, if you keep
going down this road,
eventually,
people will come after you.
Hey, you!
How do you think the board will feel
if I can show 'em proof that
you're in the take
for a medical supply company?
I'm guessing they'd be thrilled
since I'm rolling that money
back into the hospital's budget.
Please,
stop handcuffing us!
You're making it impossible
for us to help our patients.
Does anybody else
feel that way?
Great!
Now I don't have to tell you
each individually that, um...
I don't give a rat's hairy ass!
It's a huge time-saver!
Thanks, g*ng!
And eventually, Katie,
everyone here is
gonna hate you.
Look, Carla,
I appreciate this whole
mother-hen thing...
Lioness.
Lioness thing that you've got going
on here, but I don't need your help.
Look, I know you think
you're fine on your own,
but in order to survive here,
you need to surround yourself with friends.
Look over there.
I can count on three
out of four of those people.
I trust them
with all my secrets.
Oh, you guys...
Carla had the nastiest sex
dream about the cafeteria lady.
Watch how uncomfortable she gets.
Nice ear-rings!
- Thank you.
- You're welcome!
How are we gonna get
rid of Maddox, Janitor?
Would you like to get your
useless ideas out of the way first?
Well, thank you, Perry.
Of the top of my head,
I go reindeer stampede.
Astronaut att*ck,
barbed-wire chandelier,
Photoshop,
poisonous sushi--
When you said "Photoshop",
did you mean use Photoshop to
create an incriminating picture?
No. I meant we build
an actual photo shop.
Or a chain of photo shops.
We each manage one.
We let time pass. Eventually,
Maddox has to have her film developed.
She comes in,
we all hop out,
yell, "Surprise!"
and b*at her to death
with pool cues.
I'm gonna go ahead
and apologize
because it's my fault
that we're back-tracking.
It's okay. I'm not mad.
You guys, let's face it:
Maddox is intouchable.
Not true. I know how
to get rid of any woman.
Dr. Maddox?
I love you.
Excuse me for just a second.
Where you going,
I'm telling you that I love you, I...?
Okay.
Too mean, psychée.
Admittedly, getting rid of Maddox
is a board issue
but as you all know,
I recently retired
to become a full-time mom.
Crap, we forgot Jordan's
retirement party last week!
I hope we
weren't the only ones.
I really should have
gone to your party.
You think?
Afternoon!
Power walk, coming through!
Why don't you guys just
get him to help you?
He has so much dirt on
all the board members,
they'll do whatever he want.
She's right Perry,
let's roll!
Big cat? I need ya.
If you come with me to Dr. Kelso,
I won't talk to you.
There it is.
Hey, Johann.
Give me some chocolate.
Johann, you slut!
These puppies,
they pay for themselves.
Katie,
what you don't realise--
What are we doing here?
Are you setting us straight?
I'm trying to!
Look Katie,
we don't realise--
May I cut in?
Go ahead.
My rules for getting by here
are the same as my rules
for getting by in Mexico.
One:
Don't drink the water.
Two:
Party till you drop.
Three:
Everything is negotiable.
So you want me to go coerce the
board and get f*ring Dr. Maddox.
I'll tell you what.
I'll think about it over a muffin.
Donnie!
Dude!
We need an answer now,
Bob.
Fine, I'll do it.
If you tell me you
miss having me as chief.
- Oh, so much, sir!
- Oh, so much.
I missed your smell!
Not you two.
Him!
You know,
you hurt my feelings earlier.
In my defense,
you are a soul-less creature
from another world
who doesn't really have feelings.
Thank you, Donnie,
but I'll fight my own battles.
You want Maddox gone?
Just tell me you miss me.
Fine.
But he can't do it in front of people.
Everybody out!
Go!
Actually,
I think I'm going to need
Dr. Reid and Dr. Dorian
here to bear witness.
Barbie! Newbie!
Back in!
Calm down, there's like
people back in that supply closet.
And then we saw something amazing.
Dr. Cox said something
nice to Dr. Kelso.
When you were the chief,
you were a jackass and a nightmare
and I hated you in great deal.
That's a good start.
But I always sensed...
Well, I always sensed
that you were burdened,
by the job
but in, what in necessarily,
who you were as a person.
And...
Every once in a while,
you showed a shred of humanity.
Plus you did manage to,
look the other way, a couple of times.
That was pretty good.
So for all that stuff, Bob...
Yeah.
I miss you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Everybody back!
Look, Katie, I've seen all kinds
of people come through this place.
Tall, short,
gay, straight,
smart,
weird...
The point is,
this childish, self-centered atittude
you keep throwing
everyone's way
is nothing new.
You know what's
really driving me crazy?
You keep acting
like you know me.
Don't bother with the sob story.
I've been here a long time,
I've heard it all before.
Really?
Because my dad d*ed
when I was six,
and to cope,
my mom drank herself
through most of my childhood.
No one ever did
anything for me.
I've always had
to do it for myself.
Oh, Katie.
Good, huh?
Heard it!
Me...
Did mom.
JD--
Did dad.
Elliot--
Emotionally abusive parents.
Dr. Cox--
Emotionally and physically
abusive dead parents,
which he may have k*lled,
no one's sure.
Look, Katie,
now that you're here...
It doesn't matter what
crap you have in your past;
all that matters is
that you leave it there.
Because this hospital
is your home now
and these people
are your family.
And I can tell you
they will love you
unconditionally if you let them.
But if you don't, they...
Check that.
We will eat you alive.
Hey!
Frank!
My favourite board member.
Say hi to your wife for me.
You remember that trip
we took to Thailand together?
You still keep in touch with
that hermaphrodite you nailed?
What was his name?
Lou.
[ Song: Healed
Artist: Matt Ryd ]
The rest was predictable:
They fired Maddox...
Oh...
So this is where the party is.
It's okay,
go on celebrating!
I don't care!
I mean, sure,
I've spent the last months
building a life here.
Buying a condo,
finding a school for my kid,
having sex with Mickhead.
But this doesn't
have to end, baby.
Oh yes, it does, Walter.
You shouldn't have to strangle me
to keep your erection.
I have needs.
Anyway,
you all think that you've won.
But they're just gonna replace me
with someone exactly like me.
Because nothing ever changes.
People don't change.
Relationships don't change.
And the medical system
will never change, either.
But you guys go ahead
and have fun
till the moment he gets here.
Should be a great cuppa' days.
And then, poof!
She was gone.
And I like to think
we proved Maddox wrong
those next few days.
We found a way to work
around the system.
Thanks.
Here's the medicine,
Mr. Rosell.
I hope that helps.
A relationship evolved...
Good morning, Bob.
Perry.
It just goes to show you
that with a little help,
anything can change.
Even interns.
Dr. Reid?
I'm not the one that placed
that central line the other day.
I just took credit for it.
I'm not gonna do that,
anymore.
Good.
Any chance to quickly show me
how to place
one of those things?
Let's go.