Dr. Dorian?
Katie, we've been over this.
It's inappropriate to interrupt
an attending while he's hitting that.
Particularly while he's hitting it good.
J.D.: Turk and I used Katie
as a messenger service.
Dr. Turk liked the drawing
you had me take him.
He had never seen himself
as a deep-sea diver before.
Awesome! Go back and say,
"J.D. Says you're welcome.
"And here's a little something
for your bottom."
And he wanted me to ask you
if you wanted to go to
the batting cages after work.
Remind him I don't like to do
things that I'm not good at.
Yeah, that's why
we don't have sex much.
That hurt me so much,
I lost my breath a little.
Ooh. Barbara, can you please
put Mrs. Newell
on milligrams of Clindamycin?
Can't we use Azithromycin instead?
That way she only requires
one dose instead of four
and I won't have to be
running around all day.
- Interesting.
- Interesting.
J.D.: Elliot didn't think
it was interesting,
so they went to the person
who settled all disputes
between nurses and physicians.
Okay, I'm glad you guys
didn't let this escalate.
Elliot, I bet you didn't know
that on weekends,
Barbara was a
semi-professional kick-boxer.
I did not.
Still, doctors decide all prescription
orders and you know that.
Oh, my God,
did she just kick that ceiling tile?
Yeah. She's really good.
Well, about time, Champ. Beer me.
No problem. Just remember our deal.
I bring the beer
and you don't tell anybody that
we are now spending time together.
You're the new Chief, I'm the old Chief.
Who better to guide you through it?
I'm just gonna hit the floor
and be a doctor,
like I have my entire career.
Well, you can kiss that idea goodbye.
I spent so much time behind that desk
dealing with red tape,
my behind still has
the imprint of the chair.
You want to see?
Since we're friends now,
I can show you my butt.
Bob, I saw it five years ago
at Nurse Roberts'
above-ground pool party
and I am still recovering.
Honest to God,
there are times when I close my eyes
and it's just there.
That still doesn't change the fact
that you are going to spend most of
your day trapped in that office.
Look, there are a few key
differences between us.
For instance, I know that white leather
shoes are never gonna be classy.
I believe that a yard should have trees,
not gay little angel fountains.
And I'm damn sure not gonna be
stuck in my office all day long.
Enid picked out the damn fountains.
I don't even like them.
- Bob?
- Fine.
I like to pretend that
they're friendly stone people.
All right, I'm partial to the one with
tiny wings and the flowers in her hair.
- That's Leslie.
- Well...
Dr. Turk wanted me to give you this.
I warned you about abusing interns.
That better not be
another stupid drawing.
Elliot, please. Turk just wanted me
to look up a study about
intra-operative beta-blockades to
prevent post-operative complications.
- Really?
- No.
He took a picture of me and
Photoshopped on cactus hands.
Look at me,
I can't touch anything I love
without hurting it.
Do not do him
any more personal favors.
- Okay.
- All right, let me have it.
What are you talking about?
It is my first official day
as Chief of Medicine,
and I'm sure you've set up some
elaborate, annoying spectacle.
I didn't do anything.
I suppose that giant cake
has nothing to do with me?
No, that's 'cause Colonel Doctor
has two years sober.
Please, just go ahead
and do whatever it is you're gonna do
so I might get to work.
J.D.: Come on, think of something.
That was actually pretty impressive
there, Newbie. Thank you for that.
You're welcome, Perry.
J.D.: How lucky was that?
Why are you playing bongos?
It's Monday. Monday is bongo day.
I can't do this all on my own
No, I know
I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman
I just had to come see it for myself.
You are the Chief of Medicine.
I know.
It is great to see someone
other than Kelso behind that desk.
Ted!
This is the first time
I've been allowed to use the couch.
Dr. Kelso always made me stand.
Even when I had
thigh reconstruction surgery.
His dog Baxter ate
the lower half of my hamstring.
Oh, yeah, that was gross.
Go ahead
and make yourself comfortable, pal.
So I hope you don't mind
my barging in.
You got to be kidding me. In fact, Ted,
go ahead and put Carla
on the "Always allowed in" list.
You got it.
Too comfortable, Ted.
Thanks, sir. I need boundaries.
So, you have a list of
who can and can't come in here?
There's the "Always allowed in" list,
the "Sometimes allowed in" list,
and the "Never, ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever" list.
Who's on the
"Never, ever, ever, ever, ever"?
Dr. Dorian at your service.
How was your weekend, Howie?
Well, I bought some new soap,
but it turns out I was allergic to it.
I tried to get a refund,
but I lost my receipt.
I was hoping you'd just say "fine."
Okay, let's start rounds over here.
Mr. Vaughn, how are you today, sir?
Pretty good, but could you have
the maid send some fresh towels?
Mr. Vaughn has pneumonia.
It was touch and go there for a while,
but you're bouncing back.
You're gonna be out of here
any day now.
I hope not.
It's nice being with people for a change.
We like having you around, too, sir.
If you need anything, you let us know.
- What the hell is that?
- Some stupid gift from the Board.
It's a photo of Sacred Heart
when it first opened in .
There's a hybrid
in the parking lot.
I might have the date wrong.
So where do you want me to hang it?
Somebody else's office.
Are you trying to stop me
from doing my job?
How would you feel if I tried to stop you
from taking patients' wallets
after they d*ed?
Doctors don't do that.
Look at you, sticking with the plan.
Just put it someplace, will you?
- Well, I got to go.
- I'll go with you.
- Chiefs can do that?
- I don't wanna stay in here all day.
I wanna get out and see people,
check on patients,
maybe make an intern cry.
Actually, Dr. Cox, you need to
look over the JAYCO paperwork
and these nursing
home transfer requests.
See you later.
What are you doing there, Ted?
Dr. Kelso always used to
sign his paperwork on my back.
It's not so bad.
I imagine it's what a hug feels like.
- Is it?
- I'm not gonna hug you, Ted.
Hey, Carla,
next time you hang with Dr. Cox,
maybe instead of
braiding each other's hair
you could talk to him
about making some new hires
so we don't have to work
forced overtime.
Why is Nelly giving you
so much attitude?
Even though I'm the head nurse,
I mostly hang with doctors.
I'm married to a doctor,
my best friend is a doctor.
- Who's your best friend?
- You are.
I know. I just wanted to
hear you say it out loud.
The point is, nurses sometimes think
I'm on the wrong team.
How could they think that? You're,
like, the most loyal person I know.
Except for the time that you booed me
off the stage at the karaoke bar.
Elliot, you're not allowed to sing
Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
I just can't hit those low notes.
Sure, that's why.
Look, most nurses
feel under-appreciated,
especially by doctors.
It's not that bad here, is it?
You know what the MD at
the end of this badge means?
It means, I make the decisions.
You got that, missy?
I'll see you at home.
And sometimes,
it's not even that subtle.
My post-op patient is still going in
and out of consciousness.
You know what I'd like to go
in and out of?
Disrespecting nurses five!
They're booting Mr. Vaughn.
His insurance won't pay for him
to stay here any longer.
He lives all alone. He's not ready
to take care of himself yet.
You know what? I've got pull
with Dr. Cox. Let me handle this.
Mr. Vaughn is such a sweetie.
Don't you wish you could just bring him
home and take care of him yourself?
You're late.
Not five seconds in the door,
and it's already number three
on Mr. Vaughn's greatest hits!
You know, why stop there, Frank?
Coming in at number two, "You never
introduce me to people at parties."
And at the top of the charts, as always,
"What about my feelings?"
I only say those things
because I love you.
Well, you've got a
funny way of showing it.
You know what?
That might be a little weird.
And how many catheters
do we normally order?
Well, just order that! Great.
And there we go.
- What do you think?
- Why?
Because, now you can see
the back of it. See?
Life is more interesting
when you look at the back of things.
Women, that's obvious,
baseball cards, puppet shows.
Plus, you get the D effect.
Look at this.
Hey, what's that off in the distance?
A hospital of some sort?
It is a hospital.
Never mind, it took off again.
Here it comes again. What's it want?
It's got Terry! Everyone run!
You know. It's a game.
Try again there, Chewie.
And done. We are the hell out of here.
Hey there, new Chief!
Barbie, did you not see the list outside?
I saw it. I'm a "Sometimes allowed."
Well, now isn't one of those times.
- Yeah, but...
- Don't care, get out.
Man!
I am not answering that.
Carla, finally, a friendly face.
The phone won't stop ringing.
Everybody and their sister
wants a favor.
Actually, speaking of favors,
I've been noticing
all the recent forced overtime.
Maybe we could
hire a few extra nurses?
Of course that's what you wanted.
Just testing out the hammer.
See if it works. It does.
The Board wants to know why
you haven't submitted a new budget.
Hey! You're not the only one
who can hammer.
I'll just come back another time.
Carla.
Stop it.
I can't help you with the nurses.
And I'm really sorry.
It's okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wow!
Nice digs, Per.
Didn't you see your name on the
"Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever" list?
No, it's not on there.
- Ted!
- I'm on it.
Look, my pneumonia patient
is being discharged,
and he's not ready.
If he goes home now,
he could develop ARDS,
he could relapse,
even fall and break his hip.
I need you to keep him here longer.
Can't do it.
The Board knows
I pull strings for patients
and they're all over my ass.
I got to stay below the radar
for a little while.
Okay. You know what? We're cool.
No. We are not cool.
J.D.: What? Why aren't we cool?
It must be because
we're super cool. Ask him.
- Is it because...
- And no, we're not super cool.
Look, you seem to think that
just because I have this new job,
that suddenly I don't realize
that the patients come first.
That I've somehow forgotten
what matters.
For the love of God,
I taught you what matters,
you arrogant, pretentious,
self-righteous, little jackass.
Are you hammering
in the perfect spots for emphasis?
I was trying to, yeah.
Well, it was just terrific.
Thank you for that.
And you, get the hell out of my office.
Yes, sir.
J.D.: As I left, I couldn't tell if that
pounding was the Janitor's hammering
or just the sound in my head
of Dr. Cox finally being boxed in.
Sometimes, all you can hope for
is a chance to breathe
every now and then.
This is the Chief of Medicine.
Well, that's fine. We will get together
and discuss the NICU issue
on Thursday then.
All righty.
Are you finally finished
with the project?
Yep. All done.
Uh-oh.
Oh, boy!
I got the nail in there, but it's loose.
You know what?
I'm gonna go get some putty.
If you just hold this right here,
I'll be done in a second.
For the love of God.
Just hold it level and tight.
- Bear the weight.
- Here.
Hold it right there.
I'll be back in one minute.
You're doing great.
So, that's what
a Chief of Medicine does.
Now what's with the lab coat, Bob?
The old gal down in pharmacy
doesn't know that I've retired,
so she still hooks me up
with free morning-after pills.
Sir, I was just looking over the...
Oh, dear God in heaven!
Still got it.
How's the pulse, Ted?
Nothing.
Why don't you go somewhere
and lie down?
Nah. I don't need to go dressing on...
So, the Janitor still doing
the picture thing, huh?
I beg your pardon?
Well, every time he would ask me
for a real office, I'd say "no."
So, now if anyone gets
a nice new office,
he gets very angry and he uses
that picture to drive them insane.
Now what the hell does
a janitor need an office for anyway?
So you wanna discuss the urinal
cake issue on Thursday, huh?
Let me check my calendar.
All right, Steve. I'll...
Huh?
What did they do?
Hey. Good one. A little r*cist.
Yeah, you...
You know what?
Just give my love to Darlene, okay?
Real... Syphilis, huh?
Well, that's...
I'm not a doctor, Steve. But...
That seems unusual, even for syphilis.
I can't believe
they're just kicking him out.
Yeah.
What happened to all that
pull you have with Dr. Cox?
Look, he said
his hands are tied on this one.
- Poppycock.
- What?
That's old man for "bullcrap."
You're an odd duck, aren't you?
That's what they tell me,
but I don't see it.
So I asked Dr. Cox about hiring
some extra nurses and he said "no."
Did you really ask him or did you
just compliment him on his new office?
- You know what? Frick them.
- Frick them? I'm one of them.
Yeah, but they're acting like
a bunch of frickheads.
Sorry about all the F bombs.
I don't blame them
for being frustrated at working here,
because a lot of the times,
I feel the same way.
God, you are so clueless.
You're not mad at me, you're just
frustrated about something else
and you're taking it out on me.
I mean, it's like last night,
when my favorite shoes
made my toes bleed, and so I called
you a frizzy-haired mega-bitch.
That's why we had to make the rule
that we can't just dump on each other
just 'cause we're pissy
about other stuff.
We need to cancel that rule.
Yeah, I agree. It was stupid. I hated it.
Yeah, but, Elliot, all nurses want is
to be treated with the same respect
that you doctors get treated
with every single day.
- I do that.
- You do with me.
But what about all the other nurses?
Like Barbara this morning.
Were you as respectful
as you could have been?
And, ma'am, you should feel
confident in the decision
to give you Clindamycin,
because it was made by someone
who went to medical school
and not someone who turned to nursing
after a failed career
as a recording artist.
And don't you dare try to kick-box me.
Maybe not totally respectful.
When he gets a startle
like the one I gave him earlier,
he usually sleeps about hours.
Have people been taking care
of him since I left?
We've all been pitching in,
spending time with him,
taking him on walks.
Who's a good boy?
So, why are you so afraid to
get all up in Dr. Cox's grill?
We both know he can occasionally
be somewhat of a vengeful person.
- This is demeaning.
- I know,
but that's where I want the picture
for the rest of the day.
Listen, if he wanted to find a place
to hide your patient, he could.
He's just stressed
and out of his elements,
and, hell, he's scared.
And even if he hasn't realized it,
this job is changing him already,
because it comes with a whole host
of overwhelming responsibilities,
including keeping this hospital afloat.
I'd help him if he'd let me,
but you know he won't.
When I was Chief,
if Dr. Cox came to me
and complained about something
I would automatically say "no."
And if he never complained again,
I'd know it wasn't that important.
But if he came back
and fought for it over and over,
I knew it was something
that I'd have to take a look at.
Now he's me,
and he's got this damn voice
in his head
telling him to say "no" all the time.
And he desperately needs
someone on the other side
to tell him what he should do,
whether he wants to hear it or not.
And now, that person is you.
Here we are.
- Will he at least be grateful?
- No.
He's gonna hate you for it.
Go!
What?
Hey, guys. How's it going over here?
Awesome.
Look, Barb, I really just wanted
to come by and apologize
for the way I treated you earlier.
I was planning on waiting for you
in the parking lot tonight
and kicking your teeth in.
- Please don't.
- Even if she tried,
Carla would just swoop in
and protect her doctor friend.
Look, you guys aren't
even really mad at Carla.
You're just frustrated by the situation
and you're taking it out on her.
Carla and I actually had
a rule about that earlier,
but we canceled it because...
You know what?
Probably not that pertinent.
The point is, Carla's a nurse first.
Even if it means
yelling at her best friend.
That's me.
She said that out loud earlier.
You can ask anyone.
Anyway. You can either use her
relationships with us as doctors
to start a dialog
and make things better,
or ignore me, stay pissed
and you can all hold me down
in the parking lot tonight
while Barb here boot-stomps my face.
Taking a pretty long time
to think about it.
Oh.
You got me there.
I thought that was
when it was all gonna go down.
Look, I don't care if we have to fake
a secondary infection,
or claim he's allergic to his medication,
Mr. Vaughn needs to be back here
in a bed, and you know it.
J.D.: I got about the answer I expected.
- Get out!
- No.
Actually, you know what,
stay if you want to.
I'm going to get out of this cage
and I'm gonna go out
and see some patients.
No, you're not.
It's : . Your day's over.
J.D.: It's scary how easy it is to
become resigned to your lot in life.
You just go about your business,
same as always.
So, I hear you're
the new personnel director.
Nice office. I just have to hang this.
J.D.: That's why even the tiniest
change in a dynamic
can seem monumental.
- Good night, Carla. Good night, Elliot.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Did you do something good?
- I totally did.
Okay, take good care of him.
J.D.: As for me,
I was fine with my new lot in life,
because I knew the payoff
would always outweigh the cost.
Dr. Cox.
Look, I want to thank you
for listening to me about Mr. Vaughn.
Yeah. Go to hell.
J.D.: Or not.
Swing low, sweet chariot
Chariot
Coming for to carry me home
Oh, hey, Dr. Wells. How's it going?
Swing low
sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home