Hey, Robyn.
It's good to see you again.
Now according to your chart,
your hair has been falling out,
your nails are splitting
and you're fatigued.
Robyn, you're a zombie.
Patient also grumpy
and not responding to classic comedy.
Just a little hard to find the funny
when you're ,
single and balding.
Point taken.
We're gonna figure this out, okay?
And don't you worry, if you
need me, I will be here all night.
- So you're working tonight too, huh?
- Yeah.
I'm new on-call surgical attending.
I kind of signed up because JD
was supposed to be working with me.
I'm covering for him.
He and Sam went on a trip to...
You know what?
It's not important.
No, no. Finish your thought.
I didn't want to tell you this. Kim had
a medical conference in Anaheim.
And so JD went and
took Sam to Disneyland.
That's impossible. Because
he and I swore to each other
that since we've never
been to Disneyland
that we would go for
our th birthday together.
- What do you want me to say?
- That he's not at Disneyland right now.
- Can you tell me that?
- No.
You know what? Adults move on.
And that's what I'm doing right now,
I'm moving on.
How do you want to handle
tonight's workload?
- I was think...
- I can't do it Elliot!
You know, I tried!
I tried but it hurts too bad.
It hurts me deep right here.
I can feel it in my chest.
That man went to
Disneyland without me!
They got roller coasters that
roller-coaster in the dark.
You don't where
the turns are coming from.
They've got the Finding Nemo ride
where you ride in round with Nemo.
It is a ride!
A ride with Nemo!
Tonight's gonna be great. My co-pilot
here is a blubbering man-child.
and the interns begin to think
they know what they're doing.
We totally saved that
patient's life up there.
Cancer's our bitch!
No one does a Foley cath
like Howie Gilder.
Up high!
I'm not gonna get mad
because you're new.
But I'm kind of the
high-fiver around here.
From now on, you're only allowed
to high-five when I'm not here.
Are we clear five?
You may hit that
because I'm instigating.
Now get the hell out of here.
I put that central line
on Mr. Phelps for you.
So next time you
give me an assignment,
can you make it something
that's a challenge?
- Okay. Next time.
- Make sure you do.
That's my surgical intern.
He's been here less time than
everyone else and that's how he acts.
You know what we should do?
We should scare the hell out of them.
Full moon tonight, guys.
Wanna know what that means?
Means it's getting
fricking crazy up in here!
Buckle up for some nasty stuff.
I'm talking nightmares that
you cannot unsee.
During my first full moon shift,
psych patient Tony Belmont
bit off his own tongue.
And threw it at me.
We couldn't reattach
the sucker so I tossed it
into that very Hazmat bin.
Later that night,
we heard a sound
coming from in there.
So we open up the lid
very very slowly.
And inside,
is Mr. Belmont
holding his own tongue.
Do you want to know
what he said to me?
He said...
Nailed it! Give it up!
Guys! High-fiving?
I feel like I've been
more than clear about this.
It won't happen again, Todd.
Promise.
You're my friends, so I hope not.
I'm sorry five?
- Still.
- Still.
Season Episode
My Full Moon
Alright, Robyn. Here's the deal.
The last time you were here, all your
health issues were from malnourishment.
And now, a year later,
you're nine pounds lighter than
you were at your lowest rate.
You know what's weird.
I really have been eating.
I'm gonna have you talk to
a specialist named Dr. Paulson.
He's on his way.
Why are you having her
talk to the staff shrink?
Because she's anorexic, Turk.
You know, I...
I have a complicated
psychological issue too.
Mrs. Powell, your gall
bladder surgery went terrific.
However I can't discharge you
until I'm sure your pipes are working.
And since you said it's impossible
for you to go number two
outside of your house due to the
fact that you're a nervous pooer...
I feel you, sister.
I'm gonna have to
ask you to pass gas.
Excuse me?
You know...
I don't do that.
- Women fart.
- You know.
- We should go.
- I know they do.
Cause I have a wife and
a daughter, and they both fart...
And she farts and I smelt it before.
It smells like hot dogs.
Okay guys, full moon is upon us.
It's only : , we already have
new admissions so let's stay sharp.
Nights like this
are why you got into medicine.
Sunny, I'm gonna need you to get
that lady in bed six to fart.
- I'm on it.
- Why don't you just pull her finger?
Howie, did you just make a joke?
I did and it felt great.
Good for you.
And as a reward,
you get the gentleman in bed three.
He poisoned himself.
We need to know what he took. Go.
Gone.
My pneumonia patient is presenting with
a crap load of fluid in her left lung.
Crap load really
isn't a technical term.
Fine. Bucket load.
Is she being sassy?
Because I love it.
More than Space Mountain?
Why, Elliot?
I just forgot about it.
Derek, can you get Denise's
patient a thoracentesis
and get that fluid out of there?
Surgery to the rescue.
You are welcome.
Oh that's adorable.
You have a crush on yourself.
I'd be careful. The guy
you're in love with is a douche.
Where's Katie?
I've been doing post-op
on your hand surgery patient Mr. Gold.
He says he can't feel anything
in his arms from his elbows up.
Now, I've been doing
research for hours,
and I think it's either a radiculopathy
or a brachial plexus injury.
Or...
He's lying. Patients do that.
Katie, a word please?
Look, the man is
homeless and not all there.
You see his bandages? It means
he's been chewing out his sutures.
I'm probably gonna
have to strap him down.
I can find another
way to make him stop.
Suit yourself. If he messes up
my handiwork, it's on you.
Hi, Mr. Gold.
Can you do me a favor
and stop chewing on your hands?
Pass.
I had to talk to
that shrink for an hour.
Dr Reid, I am not anorexic.
You've lost weight, you're anemic.
Your prealbumine is low.
All symptoms point to it.
Who are you gonna believe?
Me or that stupid chart?
Robyn, I'm a doctor.
We believe everything on the charts.
That's why I write
"Elliot has a slammin' tushie"
on every single one,
see? Right here.
I keep making jokes at all
the wrong times, don't I?
I know that this is hard...
It's only hard because it isn't true.
I've been eating.
You have already made up
your mind, haven't you?
Mrs. Powell, it's not your fault
you don't want to pass gas.
It's society's.
Guys have always been allowed
to do it. There's no shame for them.
But if a girl lets out even
a little squeeker, she's a freak.
So come on,
for women everywhere, let's do it
together on the count of three.
One,
two,
three.
You didn't do it.
Neither did you.
There's people around.
Hey Mr. Swick, I'm Dr. Gilder.
I'm gonna grab a chart that doesn't
say "Elliot has slammin' tushie" on it.
Much better. And now, Mr. Swick...
This one's got it too.
- Is her butt that nice?
- It's okay for a white chick.
Anyway, I want you to tell
me how you poisoned yourself.
- I can't.
- Why not?
Because you're not my doctor.
You may sound like him
and you look exactly like him.
But you're not him.
Excuse me.
Alright thanks, Dr. Paulson.
So...
The staff shrink says that
Mr. Swick has Capgras syndrome.
It's a brain disorder.
Basically, he thinks everyone
in his life has been replaced
by an identical impostor.
That's wicked cool.
I know, dude!
If we sent the twins from radiology
in there, his brain would explode.
Still,
I think it's more important that
we try and figure out what he ingested.
You know?
So he doesn't die.
Yeah, fine.
Hey Katie, how is it going?
Doing great over here.
It's hard to believe that we were
interns eight years ago, you know.
What?
Oh sorry.
My patient has really got into my head
so I'm looking over her case history.
That's crazy boring to me.
So you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna just
continue my conversation.
All the signs point to anorexia.
Do you like being a doctor?
I just want to believe her.
I love being a doctor.
It's not like all of those other jobs
where you just sit on your ass all day.
You actually get to do things.
Okay, Mrs. Emmett. There's gonna be
a little discomfort from the needle.
but not too much.
Prepare to witness perfection.
Did you really just say that?
I also like that doctors
get to think on their feet.
I want to commend you for not
disclosing what you ingested before
because well,
you were actually
talking to my impostor.
I knew it.
I'm impressed cause
the differences are subtle.
His voice sounds like this.
- And my voice sounds like this.
- I heard it.
Anyway, what don't you just tell me
what you took before he comes back?
I tricked his ass!
Someone give me some!
Look, I came from home
because I couldn't sleep.
I've decided I'm not comfortable
with you giving high fives.
Even when I'm not here.
But I just totally nailed a diagnosis.
The fact that I'm not making a
tremendous sex joke right now
about who or what I nailed tonight
should tell you how serious I am.
I'm spending so much time
focusing on Robyn's past
I'm prejudicing myself.
If I just looked at her
admission form from this morning...
"Young woman who has
undergone a drastic weight loss
even though she says
she's been eating."
I know exactly what to look for.
Handle your business.
I'll go check on the interns.
Katie, no.
- But it works.
- I said no!
He's human.
- We got blast off here?
- Nothing yet.
Give me some good news.
I need a win.
He overdosed on acetaminophen.
Here we go.
- Everything all good in here?
- You know it.
But I'm getting some bubbles
coming out with the fluid.
- Is that supposed to happen?
- No.
Step back, please. Thank you.
Mrs. Emmett, I need you to hold still.
You might have a collapsed lung.
Quick, tell him that's impossible
cause you're the greatest
doctor in the world.
The troops are one for four.
How is it going over here?
Not great.
Robyn is HIV-positive.
That sucks.
When she wakes up,
I have to tell her.
Elliot, maybe it won't be so bad.
You know, we made a lot
of headway with HIV.
It's not a death sentence anymore.
Check on Mr. Maller over here.
He found out he was
HIV-positive today.
Admittedly, he's not
psyched about that.
He's actually watching
sports on his computer.
My point is maybe it won't be that hard
telling Robyn she has the "hivy".
Hivy?
I heard somebody say it
and I thought I was kinda cool.
Sounds like a dance
the kids do nowadays.
Do the hivy, do the hivy...
Like this?
Bring it down.
Here it is.
- I like when you do the hivy.
- We should not do the hivy!
Do the hivy...
Mrs. Emmett, we can't
drain the fluid in your chest
until we repair your collapsed lung.
How did I get a collapsed lung?
That happened when
I tried to drain the fluid.
I'm sorry.
Okay but when it's fixed,
I want the procedure
to be done by a real doctor.
So how long is it before
you become a real doctor?
Is it soon?
Back off, okay?
Come on, when you act all hurt,
it ruins all the fun for me.
Anything?
Mrs. Powell, when I was a kid,
my mom used to tell me
that farts were demons that were
crawling around in your belly
and if I ever let one out,
it would give my grandma cancer.
So I know what you're going through.
But let me tell you
the real issue here.
The number one k*ller
in hospitals is infection.
And since you just underwent
surgery, you're very susceptible.
We need to get you out of here,
but we can't until you do it so...
It's up to you.
I'm so sorry we have
to strap your arms down.
Please know I'm just trying to help.
Hey Katie.
I can't really talk right now.
Looks like someone got
her first face spitting.
See, there's a lot of things
to hate about being a doctor.
For starters, no women
looks good in scrubs.
But guys do. It's unfair.
Plus, malpractice insurance,
bad hours...
Yeah, but at least you guys
in medicine get to figure stuff out.
You were like a detective
with your HIV patient.
Surgeons, all we do is cut and sew.
Sometimes I feel
like a glorified mechanic.
Well...
Spleen is sh*t to hell.
I'm gonna have to remove it.
While I'm in there, I might as well
get that gall bladder too.
You can leave it in there but... Just
gonna be back in a couple of months.
To be honest with you, I ain't do
great with those "japonese" models.
I'd look good in a jumpsuit.
If you fantasize like JD, you have to
talk like him when you come out of it.
I'd look good in it, in a jumpsuit.
- Better.
- Thank you.
Gotta tell you what else
I don't like about being a doctor.
The patients.
Sometimes they're great.
But sometimes, like you said,
they just lie through their teeth.
Guzzle this Mucomyst to counteract the
effects of the acetaminophen overdose.
It wasn't acetaminophen.
There was a guy in here
before pretending to be you,
so I lied to him
to throw him off the trail.
Dude, you're k*lling me!
I think the only way I got
through my first year here
was leaning on
the people around me.
You know how you found
Carla and I found JD?
You ever think how weird it would've
been if you and I found each other?
Elliot...
You're very cute,
but your booty is really tiny,
I don't know what
I would do with that thing.
You could start by smacking it.
And secondly,
if we were in a committed relationship,
I'd have gained like
to pounds for you.
- Really?
- No.
Still this place could
use some jungle fever.
The whole white doctor
black surgeon thing.
Wait, wait.
Why is this happening?
That whole pathetic no self-esteem
thing you have going on right now...
I'm really vibing that. That's why
I used to date fat guys.
The reason why I work my body
so much now is cause I was...
kind of a heavy kid.
- How heavy?
- .
Oh god.
We're acting all nostalgic,
but we're barely in our thirties.
We could still do anything
we want with our lives.
You don't think we'll
both be doctors forever?
Dr Reid, your patient Robyn is up.
Great.
Here goes.
Also, I got Mr. Swick to admit
he actually ate fertilizer.
- How did you do that?
- I may have given him a little slap.
You'll do fine here.
It's done.
Just me being a guy,
I have to ask this question.
- What did it smell like?
- years of repression.
And hot dogs.
Good job.
I'm HIV-positive?
You were right.
It's not anorexia.
Wow, that's a...
Huge victory for me.
I know it's scary to even
be talking about the "hivy".
The what?
I'm sorry, forget it.
I'm just really nervous.
The point is,
HIV is very treatable now.
This does not have to ruin your life.
So I should just... stay positive?
Definitely.
Because...
Even though I really want
to get married and have kids,
this will probably make it easier...
to find someone.
Don't try to make this okay.
This is not okay.
This is the worse thing that's ever
gonna happen to me in my entire life.
And you're here to see it so...
you need to find
a way to handle it better.
Cause I get to
handle it however I want.
Do you want me to shut up?
Do you want me to leave?
Here. Sorry about the
guy spitting in your face.
Thanks, Howie.
You smell horrible.
I showered three times and I can't
get Mrs. Powell's stink off me.
It's in my hair.
Where have you two been?
- Nowhere.
- We weren't anywhere.
What smells?
I'm going to go take
a bath in tomato juice.
Look at that.
They have no idea
what's ahead of them.
You know, I never
answered your question earlier
about whether you and I
would always be doctors.
You will.
You have this amazing ability
to find joy in everything you do.
Thank you.
Whether it's like an operation
you've done a hundred times,
or even teaching.
Alright, the trick to this is to get
the needle right between the ribs, okay?
Watch. Like...
so.
- Nice.
- You wanna get it for me?
But as for me,
I know you think it was a big victory
figuring out what was wrong with Robyn.
But those moments are kind of
like eating a piece of chocolate.
I enjoy the satisfaction for about
ten seconds and then it's gone.
See...
The thing that sticks with me
is the anguish on a patient's face
when I give them crappy news.
I hold on to that forever.
You're a surgeon,
you occasionally get to fix people.
I figure out what's wrong and then most
of the time I can't do anything about it.
I just wish them luck
dealing with it...
or try to keep them
alive for a while longer.
So you wanna know
if I'll always be a doctor?
I'd have to say, I don't know.
I'm a doctor now,
I will be tomorrow.
But I can't tell you that if I'm
ever lucky enough to get married,
to have some kids,
to maybe not need the money,
I think I'd walk out of here
and never look back.
But how am I supposed
to express my joy?
Dude, you gotta find your own thing.
I'd tell you to do the low arm pump,
but Dr. Fordham owns that.
Here's the coffee you wanted.
Deb, relax. It's just coffee.
Don't tell her there's
donuts in the break room.
We have donuts?
Anyway.