Here you go, Sammy.
I know I was supposed
to drop Sam off in daycare,
but the only other kid there was
a creepy little girl with freckles.
Please don't give my son
your prejudice of redheads.
They're god's mistakes, J.D.
Accept it.
You know what?
Let's not fight, because Sammy,
today is the -year anniversary of the
first time your daddy and I ever kissed.
I forgot!
Distract her so you can
run and get some flowers.
Darling, do you know what Sam loves?
When you sing Old McDonald.
He does?
Nobody loved Elliot's tone-deaf
rendition of Old McDonald.
♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪
♪ Farm... ♪
It was so excruciating I knew exactly
how long it took her to finish.
Look out!
I had seconds.
♪ And on that farm
there was a cougar ♪
♪ Ee I ee I o ♪
♪ With a... here ♪
♪ And a... there ♪
♪ Here a... There a... ♪
♪ Everywhere... ♪
Stupid line!
You loved shoplifting
when you were a kid.
Just grab something and run.
Be cool, h*nky.
Hey, Leonard.
What's that?
Leonard, calm down!
♪ Ee I ee I o ♪
Did you like that, Sammy?
I feel like you r*ped my soul.
That was wonderful, darling.
I got you a little anniversary present.
Why would you get me a toothbrush?
Damn it!
I thought it was a sex toy.
Okay, just cover.
I borrowed your
toothbrush this morning,
when I was showering,
dropped it,
and I may have
peed on it, a little.
You pee in my shower?
You know baby, I'm making this up.
I forgot to get you a present.
So you don't pee in my shower?
Of course not.
Oh yes I do.
You don't have to get me a gift
for the anniversary of a kiss.
That's the best part
about us having dated before.
We don't have to deal
with that drama ever again.
The best.
- I got you.
- Look...
That's how the old
Leonard used to behave.
Hook it up.
Spring was in the air and
everyone was getting caught up in it.
Whether it was a new romance...
Have you ever been in love before?
Once. She was a janitor.
Well, for her the mop
always came first, you know.
And I was fine, until...
One day, I come home from work
early and there they are, in bed.
It was just cuddling,
but still, you know.
It's really the emotional betrayal
that makes it hard to talk about.
But you've changed
all of that for me.
Or an old romance still going strong.
Excuse me!
Could you hold that please?
Excuse me!
My god, you make me so hot!
Why?
Other couples just weren't clicking.
Are you mad at me?
I'm not mad, I'm hurt.
You've been ignoring me so much
it makes me wanna punch something.
God you're firm!
I'm just bummed about Carla.
Between Izzy and her
being pregnant again,
it's like I don't have
a wife anymore.
She's just a mommy.
Is it that bad?
Don't you love listening to her
breathe on the baby monitor?
Sometimes.
Baby.
I thought you said
you wanted to get it on.
We're not finished?
- We haven't started.
- Oh sorry. Do your thing.
It's pretty bad.
What the hell was that for?
I wanted to see if it was as firmer
when you weren't expecting it.
- And?
- Firmer.
That's right.
Let's call this meeting
of the Brain Trust to order.
As you know,
ever since our esteemed member Lloyd
d*ed snorkeling in his father's pool,
we've tried to make do
with the next best thing.
Still, I think we realized
that's not really working out.
Especially since Todd keeps
high-fiving it and knocking it over.
Look at how he's posed.
I can't resist!
Yes you can. That is why
I had you over to my garage
last weekend to take
my seminar on willpower.
And you still owe me bucks.
Now, Brain Trust by law a
clearly states what, Ted?
- "Live free or die."
- That's New Hampshire.
a clearly states we must
always have exactly four members.
So I proudly announce
the re-instatement of Doug Murphy
as a permanent member
of the Brain Trust.
Permanent member until you find
someone you like better, right?
Come on!
You're just being insecure.
Dudes!
You're alive!
You're out. Lloyd, you're back in.
- We thought you were dead.
- Faked my own death, bro!
I was in debt
big time to a bookie.
Anyway, didn't work out.
Saw me at a mall.
So what's new?
Can I borrow , bucks?
Can't really swing that, Lloyd.
Our credit lines overextended
since we had Cheap Trick
play at the Brain Trust picnic.
Goodbye Lloyd.
And Doug is back in, permanent!
You know, until Lloyd
gets back on his feet.
Okay, meeting adjourned.
And, oh! Almost forgot, jeez.
Ted, pass these out
to everyone in the hospital.
Cardboard five!
I want you in my garage
this afternoon.
Bring bucks.
And a steak sandwich.
Season Episode
My Soul On Fire: Part
- What the hell is this?
- Oh my god!
"You are cordially invited to the
wedding of Lady and the janitor."
The janitor is getting
married before me? That's it.
I may actually k*ll myself.
Of course, I'm the
only one who wasn't invited.
Here's yours.
Okay. Do not reveal
how touched you are.
Turk, could you please pass me
the salt for my baked potato.
This wedding is in three days.
And it's in the Bahamas.
Nobody's going to this thing.
Oh I know I'm not.
I heard at night, the octopuses
come out on the land
and drag people up into trees
and rip their faces off
with their powerful suction cups.
I guess I was moved
by the janitor's invite,
because I did this.
I know the janitor isn't
exactly a friend to us,
but he is a part of our family.
A horrible, horrible part.
Like an uncle who shows up
at your ballet class,
and whispers "Good girl"
when you plié.
- You have an uncle like that too?
- That's not important, Carla.
Still, I think we should use
this as an opportunity
to go on a much needed vacation.
We work very hard. And
I think it's time to live a little.
You really think we should go?
I'm really just sort of
talking to these two tables.
- Just these.
- The two of them.
But you said we
should all live a little.
And I think
you should on your own.
But in this circumstance,
I was just talking at
just mainly these,
these two tables focusing here.
Actually...
I'm thinking about going.
Bob, I...
I didn't see you there.
So...
I am talking to
your table as well, Todd,
but not your chair.
Not your chair.
Surprisingly, my friends listened.
We can't go, Turk.
We'd never left Izzy alone before.
Baby, separation is healthy.
You want to know what happens to kids
who are too close to their mothers?
They end up like that.
Mom, when I'm gone,
I guess your feet
will just have to rub themselves!
Ted has his own room now.
He only sleeps with his mom
when he's had a bad dream.
Or she has.
Honey, all I'm trying to say is that
with Izzy and a new baby on the way,
this might be our last chance
to have some you and me time.
I'm in.
Awesome. Think about it, Elliot.
Three days and you're walking
on the beach in your bikini.
- That's sexy.
- Shut up.
Cool.
What? I know I have
to be in a bathing suit.
Hey Feldman!
Fire up the fat vac!
Mama need some lipo.
Dude.
We are in for the Bahamas.
Upstairs!
Downstairs.
- I still don't like downstairs.
- Really? You haven't come around yet?
Anyway, I got you a present.
It's an exact replica of the tiki
from The Brandy Bunch
Goes To Hawaii episode
Greg had this on when he got
into the surfing accident,
Peter had it on when
he saw the tarantula in the bed,
- And Alice...
- Turk, Turk. I've seen it before.
Do you remember the music they
played when anything bad happened?
Wait, you don't have one.
Or do I?
- Downstairs!
- Really?
No! What's wrong with you?
I didn't want to do it either,
I think it's stupid.
- Where'd you get them?
- I bought them on the Interweb.
The seller was anonymous
but I think I know who it was.
Sold! Finally.
These things have been ruining
my life for too long.
The curse is yours, John Dorian.
The curse is yours!
Man, that guy hates normal doors.
Do you think if we wear these,
bad stuff will happen to us?
That's kind of the fun, isn't it?
I need your signature on that
spleenectomy patient's discharge form.
This pen doesn't work.
That's gonna be annoying.
Now you made my woman all mad.
Good god.
Tiki-bump.
That was sextastic.
I kind of feel lightheaded.
A good loving will do that to you.
So will not eating for hours.
Elliot, just say it was
the good loving, as a joke.
Fine. That was the good loving.
I knew it.
J.D.
Forget it.
What?
Okay. What the hell.
Here goes.
I love you.
I love you so much the last thing
I think about before we go to bed at night
and the first thing I think about
when I wake up in the morning
is our future.
Come here.
I love you too.
And there it was.
- A moment so perfect that I...
- That's it?
What?
I did not just say "I love you",
I actually explained how much
I love you, plus you
weren't even looking at me.
But I do love you.
I think you're the most
amazing woman that I've...
No, no. You are not
getting off that easy.
You have to obsess
over it a little like I did, see.
I actually jointed down
some notes in my notebook
on how to get into the whole
"I love you" conversation
before I settled on the fake
spontaneous blurting thing.
You do know that
you're a crazy person?
- Course.
- Just checking.
Now you think about it and
surprise me when I'm not expecting it.
Night.
Elliot, when I think
about our love...
- Too soon.
- Okay.
What are you doing? The van to take
us to the airport is downstairs.
It's called my job,
it's that little thing I do
to hours a week
while you're eating, drinking,
napping, spending, plucking,
ignoring the children
and singing rap tunes
into a hair brush.
You forgot about the nanny
cam in the bedroom, didn't you?
♪ I like it like that ♪
♪ She working that back ♪
♪ I don't know how to act ♪
♪ Slow motion for me ♪
I did, but I'm okay with it.
Because I'm fly.
You realize I'm probably gonna have
to work the entire time we're there?
The only thing better than going on
vacation without our kids is going
without our kids and you're too
busy to spend time with me.
- You don't mean that.
- I do.
It's an amazing gift.
Come on!
Dear god!
What the hell are you wearing?
I just got my Bahamas gear on.
Have you seen
my cute white linen shirt?
It looks better on me.
I know you're very proud
you've been working out
- but we're in a hospital so button up.
- Fine.
The second we get to the Bahamas,
it's going to be raining abs.
Hope Town!
We made it.
Baby, look at this place.
Okay. So Izzy drank
her whole bottle, right?
Okay, great.
Excuse me, when you're done with that
phone, may I borrow it to call my kids?
- Really?
- No.
Did you even bother
to tell the babysitter
she has to stay
overnight this weekend?
She'll figure it out.
Ted, wait here for my bag.
Got enough sunscreen on there Ted?
I go through a tube
about every three hours.
My skin drinks it.
What's that about?
Todd went to med school there.
And then we saw
where Todd got it from.
His old professor
was the best high-fiver
in all the world.
And then, we'd all have sex
to celebrate surviving.
Chop chop, Ted.
I could k*ll him here.
You know how much I love you.
When I first...
Not in front of everybody. Plus...
- I'm a little lightheaded.
- Because you haven't eaten in days.
I know what my body can take.
Don't care.
Let's go.
Tiki time.
Should we go check in
with everybody else?
Not yet.
I gotta wiz.
There's a bathroom like right there.
I know but I'm already in.
Fine, Elliot.
You know, the Abacos
have incredible snorkeling.
Since you're not a strong
swimmer, let's say we get
really really drunk and go later.
Darling, I distinctly remember telling
you I had to do some work down here.
But if you'd like me to stop so that
we can spend some time together,
you just say...
a word.
Never.
Hey, meathead.
I've got a present for you.
I'm thinking of going bonefishing.
I'm going bonefishing right now.
And Ms. Sullivan,
thanks so much for that setup.
You're welcome.
Go away.
No way!
- I can't believe you came!
- I know, right?
Why the hell did you come?
I rallied the troops.
I invited you to a wedding in
a foreign country on days' notice
You weren't supposed to come!
I just wanted the gifts.
You see any of
the other invites here?
We're not even
having a ceremony, man!
Fine, then we'll just have
a vacation. No harm done.
All right.
- You have to.
- Elliot, you are so right. Honey,
- We're gonna have a ceremony.
- A big one.
I'm gonna k*ll you.
We loved our hotel room, but then Elliot
saw something that made her skin crawl.
Here's the towels you wanted.
Thanks, sweety.
There's no way I'm using those after
that little redhead freak touched them.
I can smell his freckles.
I can't believe you hid
this hatred from me for seven years.
Deal with it.
Hey, baby.
What are you doing in there?
Oh just putting some
sunscreen on my face.
Good, cause...
I think now might be a really nice time
to tell you that I love you so much...
- J.D, I'm pooing.
- See you at the beach.
I miss Izzy but
I always imagined being
some place like this with you.
Just be here, Turk.
Hey, Diane.
Here comes my ex-wife
and your beard.
Fifty percent real. Enjoy.
You two both've gotten a good look?
Some of these.
Little of that.
Yeah? Good, then we're done.
Give me that.
Oh my god.
Conch fritters.
You guys, I'm gonna see you later.
I'm gonna go get like of these.
She should have gotten a lipo.
It does hurt a little bit
when I sit, though.
Hey, Gandhi.
Here comes your better half.
That's what I'm talking a-
bout?
She's wearing shorts
and a mom suit.
No. Don't you
nuh nuh nuh my wife!
Hi guys!
How you doing?
I left my cell phone in the room.
I'm gonna go back and get it in case
something happens with Izzy,
I'll be back.
How awesome is this!
Doesn't look any better
going away, does it, Gandhi?
I got two words for you guys.
Banana and hammock.
Baby, you know why
I love the Bahamas?
They got brothers
on the money, check it.
Don't that look like Uncle Dare?
Why aren't you out on the beach?
Because Daddy came to seduce you.
But for me to get my sexy mode,
I'm gonna need you to take off
the hat and stop picking your toes.
It's alright, I'll push through it.
Baby, look.
Izzy's not here.
And this is the Bahamas.
The islands of making love.
You...
Me...
The ocean.
Underwater relations.
Lead the way.
That's the nanny.
This'll just take a second.
Okay. It's cool.
I'm gonna head down to the water.
It'll be just like our honeymoon.
Nobody will see what we're doing
except for the mermaids.
Baby, for the last time,
mermaids aren't real.
- I know what I saw, woman!
- Don't yell at me.
Hi. How is she doing?
You know what else you should do
when you told me when you love me?
Keep your hands away from her mouth.
Hey. D'you...
My god, she ate the rine.
Anyway, when you tell me,
make sure I'm wearing something
cute, like my new blue bikini,
- it really helps my like pop...
- Elliot, stop, okay?
You told me you loved me,
I told you I Ioved you back.
We both know how
we feel about each other,
that should be enough, right?
Stop acting so crazy.
I know it's wrong
but with our relationship clicking,
I couldn't help but feel smug
watching everyone else's melt
in the hot Bahamian sun.
Oh my god. Are you ever gonna
stop working and have some fun?
I knew darn well you were
full of crap when you said
you didn't care if I spent time
with you, but truth be told,
I finished all my work on the plane
before we got here,
I just wanted to prove a point.
Wind is really taking that baby.
Carla, where are you?
Hey, sweety.
It's okay, it's okay. Mommy's here.
None of that drama for Elliot and me.
For us, it was smooth.
Elliot, where are you going?
She's all mad.
Gary, I'm going to need
two Mamas, please.
Thank you, sir.
For what?
- Can I at least have your fruit?
- Get out!
Ted, you had one job.
Keep the people I invited from
actually coming to the wedding.
Did you tell them about the octopi
that drag them into trees
and suck their faces off?
I did, but they didn't believe me!
What?
This isn't a problem.
Did you remember to pack the giant
octopus suit I made for you?
Crap!
Teddy!
You're k*lling me!