09x06 - Sweet Liquory Load

[bunniefuu]

[MC Flurry] Pull over right here.

You ain't rolling me
up to school

in this big hunk
of lame bullwack.

[J-Roc]
It ain't lame bullwack, dawg.

This vehicle's dope,
know I mean?

Y'all's lucky
to be getting

a ride to school
with your candies.

- T's ride, that sh*t's slamming.
- Yeah!

You should be gettin'
that dope-ass mahfucka

- deliverin' me to school, bitch.
- Huh!

- Don't call me bitch, know'm sayin'?
- Bitch.

- You are a bitch.
- I ain't a bitch.

- Let me tell y'all somethin' right quick.
- Bitch.

T ain't your dad.
That's why I'm driving y'all, a'ight?

It's a dad's
responsibility

to drive mahfuckers
to school and pack their lunch.

A'ight?
All five food groups, dawg.

Sayin'?

Plus an extra butterscotch
pudding for a ma'fk.

Sayin'?

- What the f*ck is this? Crust?
- Hell, no!

I can't be taking this sh*t to school
with crust on it.

Mahfuckas be
teasing me.

[soft thud]

Hey, I'm goin' to
tell you something right quick.

There's mahfuckas
in the homeland

be starving to have
them crusts, a'ight?

You think the crust
would make the trip

across the ocean, bitch?

[laughing]

Have a good day, a'ight?

I love you.

Me have good day looking at my teacher's
tight ba-donk-ka-donk.

Ohhhh!

Hey, wait up, right quick.

How tight is that sh*t?
Hhhhuuhhhh?

[theme music playing]

H-raa!

All right, boys,
listen up.

Listen up, guys.

I want to launch
a three-prong att*ck, okay?

Number one,
and this is the most important one,

we got to get Lahey
back on the booze.

Ha-ha!
Yeah, okay!

Listen to me.

We can b*at him.
He just has to be wasted.

Number two, we have to devalue
Sunnyvale, okay?

So we can get it
for the best price we possibly can.

And, guys, I want
you to put some thought into that.

We've got to f*ck
Sunnyvale over.

That just sound
like fun, Julian.

Right? Huh?

Number three, we have to increase
the value of this place,

which means
we're going to fix it up a bit

and then flip it
for a profit.

- Any questions?
- Yeah, I got a question.

Lahey's been sober
for six months.

How do you plan on getting him
back on liquor?

You think that through, Brainium?

- That was my one question.
- [mixed chatter]

It's going to be easy!

We're going to catch Lahey
in a liquor trap.

You're not catching Mr. Lahey
in a liquor trap.

I've been working
on our relationship,

and that'll just
frig everything up.

Hey, Rocpile,
look who's out of hibernation.

It's the cheeseburger chipmunk.

- [laughing]
- He's storing gut nuts in the belly tree!

[laughter]

Very funny, J-Roc.

You're not getting
Mr. Lahey

back on the liquor,
end of discussion!

You don't f*cking
talk to us...

[various]
Ricky! Ricky!

- Just wait.
- f*cking Jesus!

Randy, let's just think about this
logically for a second.

Anytime you and Mr. Lahey
were having fun,

- what were you doing?
- Eating and drinking

and not frigging
caring about stuff.

No, drinking.

That's the key word,
right there.

Think about it.

Anytime you guys
were doing stuff,

- you were always on the liquor.
- Yeah.

We never did anything
fun when we were sober.

Exactly.
You want him on the liquor, Randy.

Wasted, we had
all kinds of fun.

All right, frig it!
Let's get him back on the liquor. I'm in!

All right.
Thank you for joining the team, Randy.

Here's what's
happening.

I've got a van-load
of liquor going into Sunnyvale.

You just have
to make sure

that Lahey confiscates
the liquor after it passes the gate.

Leslie's not going to let it
past the gate.

That's where
Ricky comes in.

Ricky, you're going
to cause some kind of distraction, okay?

We're going to make
sure the colonel's away from the gate,

or else we're f*cked.

- Are you cool?
- f*ck, yeah.

- Right on.
- Down. Set.

- Gut.
- J-Roc!

Get them paws
up, chipmunk!

[cackling]

When Julian asked me to be
in charge of the distraction,

my minds started racing
against each other.

g*ns, liquor, and dope.

This is going
to be f*cking fun!

Cory, I'm leaving you in charge
of painting the front of this place.

It needs better
curb appeal.

Cool, man.
You mean just me, or me and Jacob?

Just you.
I need Jacob for something else.

- Ricky, what's going on?
- No talking, Jacob.

Okay, how many rooms do you need,
and how long do you need them for?

- Ten and no more than a week, tops.
- Okay, that works.

- All right, let's do this, man.
- Thanks, man.

Jacob.

Last night I maked a really
important decision.

I smoked an extreme
amount of hash,

and something
occurred to me.

Here our family
is with, you know,

no money and no real
place to live.

It's mostly because you're not that smart,
you can't keep a job.

Also because I'm
not growing dope.

And you and especially Lucy and Trin
have been begging me

pretty much to get back into growing
for the family.

But that could mean jail.

But if I teach you how to grow
and you do all the work,

that's not illegal for me.
Do you see what I'm saying?

f*ck, yeah!

We can do this, Jacob.

And we can make
a ton of money.

There's a shitload
of f*cking hydroponics,

tables, and lights
down in room .

I want you to set those up
in some of the empty rooms, okay?

Two tables per room, two lights per table.
Can you do that?

Yeah, I think so!
Thanks, Dad.

f*ck off the dad sh*t,
you and Trin aren't married.

Great!

Thanks, man.

[Bubbles]
How many you got there? That's...

sh*t! Lahey!
Shut it down! Shut it down!

Shut the door!
Shut the f*cking door!

You hide this.
You take a f*cking sip, I'll k*ll you.

- [Lahey] Julian!
- Hey, guys.

- [Lahey] How are you doing?
- Good.

Hi, boys.
Nice place you got here.

- Thank you.
- It's wonderful.

Maybe... maybe we've got
a great offer for you.

Give you a couple
extra bucks to clean the place out.

Right on.
What are you talking about?

- Barb?
- Ah, well,

we wanted to come
and see you in person, Julian.

There's, uh,
there's a company

that is interested
in buying the park!

Another one?
Wow, that's exciting news for you guys.

But I don't know
if I can part with my shares.

Julian, I admit the first offer

was kinda not real,
but this one is legitimate.

It's from a lawyer.
It's bona fide.

Yeah, so... so just
before you say no, take a look.

And, uh, it's a
contingent offer,

but it's pending an
independent appraisal of the park.

But it is real.

It looks like a
low-ball offer to me.

- Well...
- But I'll think about it.

- You will?
- Yeah.

- You guys are my partners!
- Oh, great.

- That's all we're asking, Julian.
- Okay, all right.

- Thanks.
- No problem.

Hey, no problem.

Well, it's good
to see you guys.

Thanks for
dropping by.

Okay. See ya.

Safe drive
back to the park.

[Randy]
Hey, Barb,

can I get a ride back
to the park with you?

I think one night's
suspension is enough,

don't you, Mr. Lahey?

Sure, Randy.

I think we can
consider it as time served.

Everybody
makes mistakes.

What the f*ck are
you talking about?

You're going to
consider the offer?

I thought we were
buying the f*cking park.

What about the
three-pronged

mahfuckin' att*ck,
mahfucker?

Everybody calm down.
f*ck this company.

All we've got to do
is stick to what we talked about.

Get him back
on the booze,

Sunnyvale
will be ours.

- Okay.
- All right, back to work, guys.

Back to work...
Ah, f*ck! How many was there?

Jesus Christ,
I didn't write it down.

I think this calls
for a special celebration.

Julian hasn't said
yes yet, Jim.

I don't see any checks
in front of us.

[Lahey]
Okay, fine,

but you can still
let me do something nice for you.

Let me surprise you.

[Barb]
Oh, I don't know.

[Randy] Oh my God, Barb, are you
going to make him beg?

Jesus.

[Lahey & Barb]
Randy!

Barb can be such
a bitch sometimes!

If Mr. Lahey was
going to surprise me,

I'd say yes in a heartbeat.

Pisses me off!

Friggin' carbs!

f*ck!

Ah, okay, fine.

What the hell!

Do what you
want, Jim.

- Looking forward to it.
- [giggles]

Now, get out!
I'm going to go have lunch

with Donna and Sarah.

Tonight could be a very special night.
[chomping]

Oh, we'll see!

Bye, boys.

Whoa!

Where do you think
you're going, soldier?

Your suspension
is still active.

I frigged up
and got drunk.

I'm sorry I'm not as perfect
as you are.

Gentlemen.

I've fought
in seven wars,

six of which we won.

You want to
know how, son?

Discipline.

You ever been to w*r,
apart from Operation Dessert Storm?

No, I haven't been
to g*dd*mn w*r,

and discipline
can suck it.

I have worked in this trailer park
for most of my life,

and I'm not going
to stand by anymore

while some m*llitary
exaggerator waltzes in here

and bosses
me around.

Now frig off!

You watch your tone
with me, civilian!

You are out of line!

Now, you will do
your suspension like a man,

or you will face
a dishonorable discharge

from this battalion.

Let's just cool
our jets.

I think we made
our point to Randers

about the whole
liquor thing.

We're going
to let him in.

Jim...

[uneasy chuckle]

...you're undermining
my authority.

Let's not forget
who owns the park

and who's paying
your salary.

Okay, colonel?

- Thanks, Mr. Lahey.
- [g*nshots]

- [Ricky] Who wants liquor and dope?
- Ricky!

[Ricky]
Yee-f*ckin'-haa!

[g*nshots]

Whoo!

Who wants liquor and dope?

They've had you guys
caged up too long!

Let's get f*cked up!

Anybody here
good at rolling?

- I can roll a mean f*cking joint.
- Right on.

Who wants to do some body-sh*ts?
I've got Liquorman's whiskey.

Mr. Lahey,
what if this is just some sort

of classic distraction scenario
to get us all to leave the gate?

Distraction scenario!

That's enemy g*nf*re,
you moron!

Double time!

Let's get this
f*ckin' party goin'.

On the ground, Richard!

- Freeze!
- f*ck off.

And the rest of you,
put down the dr*gs

and the alcohol,
or face eviction.

I'm not getting on the ground,
sh*t-maggot.

I'm just trying to show these
locked-up people a good f*cking time.

How do you keep breaching
this secure location?

This time I actually floated
in on a magic carpet.

[laughter]

Oh?

You have seven seconds
to vacate this position,

or I will have no choice
but to open fire on you.

You have seven seconds to tongue
my f*cking nuts. What are you going to do?

sh**t me in front of all these
"witlesses"? Give me a f*cking break!

Rubber b*ll*ts.

Seven, six,
five, four...

- [g*nsh*t]
- Ahh, f*ck!

- Three...
- Are you out of your f*cking mind?

- Two...
- [g*nsh*t]

Don't sh**t me,
you cocksu... Aaah!

- One!
- [g*nsh*t]

- f*cking lunatic!
- [g*nsh*t]

- f*ck!
- [g*nsh*t]

Ahhh!
My f*cking cock!

Something's not right
here, Randers.

The smell of sh*t
is in the air.

You were right.

This is a
distraction scenario.

To the gate!

- Come on!
- [g*nsh*t]

It's true.
Thank you.

Mm-mm...
No, I have to go!

No, you have to stay.

You need to loosen up.

[Donna]
The party's just getting started.

We can't drink
back at the park.

I know, but Jim's
got something planned,

and I said
I would... okay.

All right.
But before I go, a toast to us.

Whatever you've been
doing at the spa, just keep it up.

- Cheers!
- Cheers.

- [electronic chimes]
- Oh, my sweet tits! I won!

Oh, yeah, you did.

Oh-ho-ho!
Oh, my God!

f*cking dollars!

- Party's on, girls!
- Oh, my God!

Looks like you're
not going anywhere.

Okay, but just one.

[Donna] Oh!

f*ck! Goddammit!

How does Ricky do
this by himself?

f*ck!

Hey, man.

Hey, dude,
how's the table?

f*ck, not good.

How's the
painting going?

- Well...
- Looks like the wrong color.

It's terrible, man.

I'm good with
a brush, man.

This sucks.
If I had a brush, I could cut in,

but it would take me two weeks
to do the whole place.

Too bad I'm busy with the tables.

I'm actually pretty
good with the roller.

Are you serious, dude?

What are the chances?

[both]
We should switch jobs.

- Wait.
- [both] We can help each other.

Yeah, man.

That way we
can hang out...

And get both jobs
done faster and easier.

- Man, that's the best, dude.
- Yeah!

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

- Want to get some food first?
- Yeah, I do.

[Bubbles whispering]
Stealth mode initiated.

There's Tubby and Drunky-to-be
right there.

Let's see this
delivery paperwork,

s'il vous plaît?

Are you a cop?

Because you don't
look like a cop.

"Trevor Lahey".

[clatter]

Exit the vehicle
and open the back, please.

Oh, this place
is f*cked.

Well, well, well.

Bingo, Randingo.

[Bubbles whispering] Come on,
you drunk bastard, just take a drink.

Shitstick on a pig!

He's just been a
greasy recidivist.

Holy frig, Mr. Lahey,
that's a lot of liquor!

What should we do?

[Bubbles whispering]
Come on, drink it, you f*cking drunk!

We're going to
pour it out.

Give me a hand
with this, turdhead,

and we won't call
the cops in on this.

[whispering] I assume that wasn't
part of your plan, Julian.

[Julian whispering]
f*ck!

He's an awful lot stronger
than I thought he'd be.

[Bubbles whispering]
What's Plan B?

[Julian whispering]
What a f*cking disaster!

[Bubbles whispering]
Of epic proportions.

Mr. Lahey,

maybe this isn't the smartest
thing to do.

Shouldn't we be
confiscating this?

I mean, that's
a lot of liquor.

I guarantee you, Julian will do
whatever it takes to get it back.

You could use it
as leverage

to make him accept
the offer on the park.

Genius, Randy.

Listen up.

I want you to offload
all of this sh*t at my trailer.

- You got that?
- Whatever you say, not-cop.

There's no safer place
than your place for the liquor.

Right, Mr. Lahey?

Right, Randy.

Not too shabby, Randingo.

[Julian] Looks like our work
here is done, bud.

Yeah.
Now we just have to wait

for the Trojan
Liquor Horse

to spill its
sweet liquory load...

down Lahey's throat.

- [g*nsh*t]
- Damn it! f*ck, those hurt!

- f*cking assh*le!
- [g*nsh*t]

[rapping]
Phantom come alive in the night-time

I spit freestyle
I don't have to write rhymes

I go unrehearsed
I spit a k*ller verse

When it comes to y'all rhymes
Yeah, they're the worst

- I'm so cocky, yeah I brush it...
- A'ight.

Man, what the f*ck
are you doin'?

We were rhymin',
flowin' like mahfuckas!

A'ight, it was tight,
you know I mean?

But it's time to go
inside and brush your teeths, dawg.

Ain't my bedtime yet,

and only b*tches
and sissies brush

their teeth more
than once a day.

Can I tell you
something right quick?

I'm sick as f*ck of this attitude,
little ma'fk.

I ain't give a f*ck
how big you are, dawg.

I'm-a step to you,
you know'm sayin',

if you don't fly the f*ck up
on that party bus

and brush them
shits, dawg.

- I ain't shook.
- You know what?

Maybe you
should be shook.

Brush them sluts!

Yo, J, chill,
chill, chill, man.

Yo, little man,
it's getting late,

and I'm going
to bed too soon.

You know I mean,
just go up in there

and brush your teeth,
you know I mean?

You know the ladies love
homies with white teeths.

A'ight, T.

Only 'cause you said so,
not Ice-Ice-Maybe.

No need to be mean.

You're whack, man.

Oh, my Christ,

that little mahfucker's
hard as f*ck!

It's hard being a dad to someone
who's harder than you.

Ya, man, it's all good, though.
Don't worry.

You guys barely know each other,
you know I mean?

You're tight,
and he's tight.

Just give it a minute,
and you guys start clicking,

- believe me.
- [sniffing]

It's just hard,
that's all.

But I appreciate that
y'all sluts got my back.

Man.
f*ck, it's hard!

Good night, T.
Rocpile.

Night, Walter White.

- See? What'd I tell you?
- Baby steps.

He didn't call me "bitch".
He didn't call me "bitch"!

That's a victory,
ain't it?

I'm saying.
You've got to start somewheres.

I'm gonna tuck
that mahfucker in he bunk.

You best be
in your jammies, huh!

[MC Flurry]
I am.

[laughing]
Holy f*ck!

I haven't had this
much fun in years!

What do you say we
get in the hot tub and pop this?

Yeah, I'm totally down.

I am in no state
to drive.

Well, pop that sh*t
up, then, bitch!

[laughing]

[raucous laughter]

All right.

[phone ringing]

[whistling]

Hello?

Oh, shush!
He's answered!

Barb? Is that you?

Yeah, hi, Jim.

I hope you're ready
for romance.

Oh, well, actually we have a little bit
of a situation here.

- Is that Leslie?
- Shush, shush, shush!

- What sort of a situation?
- Well, you know

I went to lunch
with Donna and the girl.

Well, Donna won
a whole bunch...

of money gambling,
and it sort of went from there.

You sound drunk.

Oh, I had one...
well, a few.

But none of us
wanted to drive,

so Donna has rented a room
to be safe.

And guess

who's not getting
banged tonight, Lahey: you!

- Sorry!
- So, when can I expect you home?

Oh, I-I-I'm going
to stay here tonight.

I hope you didn't go
to too much trouble,

but I will make it up
to you tomorrow, I promise.

It's not the end of the world.

I gotta piss
real f*cking bad.

I hope you have
a good night, Barb.

[drunken laughter on phone]

f*ck.

[J-Roc]
A'ight, speed round:

- Betty or Wilma?
- Wilma.

- Betty or Veronica?
- Veronica.

- Jem or the Holograms?
- The Misfits.

Great!

[Ricky]
What's going on, boys?

Rick, Christ, ma'fk,

what's going on
with your arm?

Colonel Leslie, the f*ck-d*ck,
has a rubber b*llet shotgun now.

- Oh, my f*ck!
- That's good f*cking times.

- Y'a'ight?
- Yeah, I'm all right.

The good news is,
boys, phase one is complete.

The liquor's in
Lahey's trailer.

Bam! Even better
news, dawg.

Phase two is
about to dr-r-rop.

Mow-Em-$ayin',

our brand new
landscape company.

Here's what
we do, y'all.

Get clients up
in the park,

then we f*ck with they
grass, know'm sayin'?

We f*ck with they bushes!
We f*ck with they flowers!

Br-r-rap, park! f*ck!
Mow-Em-sayin'?

Nice work, boys.
I love it.

[Cory]
Wassup, dude?

Cory, you're supposed
to be painting the motel,

not your f*cking shirt.

What happened?

Oh, sorry, dude,
the day got away on us.

- I was counting on you.
- I know.

I was counting
on me, too, but...

You're f*cking
useless, man.

It's kind of my
fault too, Julian.

We thought if we
teamed up together,

we'd be able to get
more done but...

Sorry, dude.

Can I show you what we were
working on though, Ricky?

This should be
f*cking good.

[Julian]
And I said white paint, dummy.

Hey, Misfits or
Power Rangers?

Misfits.

Power Rangers or
Ninja Turtles?

- I ain't banging no Ninja Turtles.
- [cackling]

[door opens]

Holy f*cking
tiger balls!

Me and Cory set up
ten of these.

You even got the clones?

Yeah, man, we knew
you were busy,

so Jacob went
to your buddy Reggie's

and picked stuff up,
and I wired up the lights.

The two of us'll
have the front

of the motel
painted tomorrow.

Yeah, Julian, look,
please don't be mad, man.

It's just we work
really good together,

and I think we're
an awesome team.

Mad?

Boys, this is
f*cking amazing.

Yeah, like I'm f*cking
speakless right now.

You two work together
from now on.

Put your hands up.

I'm f*cking
proud of you guys.

So am I.

Thanks, dude.

All right, let's all have
some drinks, boys.

Great f*cking job!

Good work, man.

Elbows.

[both]
Yeah!

- Let's get some drinks.
- This is awesome, dude.

- [door opens]
- [Randy] Mr. Lahey...

Wow!
This looks beautiful.

Am I interrupting something?

Not anymore.

Unless you're hungry or thirsty.

I'm starving and thirsty.

What happened
to the love of your life, Barb?

She's out with Donna and Sarah.

They're getting drunk.

That sounds like fun.

[seabirds squawking]

[fish]
f*ck! f*ck! f*ck off! f*ck...

[whisper]
Fucka.