09x09 - Sam-Squamptches and Heli-Cocksuckers

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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09x09 - Sam-Squamptches and Heli-Cocksuckers

Post by bunniefuu »

[insects, birds chirping]

This is where I seent him, Bubbles.
Right around here.

He ran down over
that f*cking bank right there.

[whisper]
What?

f*ck! Ricky,
look at that.

Real Bigfoot poop!

Jesus Christ,
look at the size of it.

Looks like
a sh*t cobra.

God, look, there's
a whole bone in it,

and some corn!

Ricky!

Ricky, be careful.

You're gonna spook
the cocksucker.

We could make
a f*cking fortune off this, Bubbles.

Keep him in a cage,
sell tickets on him

like they did
with Donkey Kong.

That was King Kong, Ricky.

No, no,
his son, Donkey.

Remember that,
the video game

with him and his
Mexican uncle, Lugi?

I think they live
in Hong Kong?

Anyway, they're
probably rich as f*ck.

[unearthly growling]

[loud whisper]
Holy f*ck!

It's go time!

[loud snoring]

Ready?

- [thud]
- [scream]

[Bubbles] cr*ck him
again, Ricky!

No! Ricky, f*ck!
Wait!

- Wait, wait!
- It speaks English!

Holy f*ck!
Sam?

What the f*ck are
you guys doing?

What the f*ck
are we doing?

What the f*ck
are you doing here?

Living in a cave?

I had nowhere to go

when sh*t went down
with me and Cyrus.

What was I
supposed to do?

Why don't you put
some f*cking clothes on, at least?

'Cause I like the
f*cking freedom, Ricky.

I'm f*cking starving, though.
Please, guys, get me some food.

I've got bucks,
I'll pay you.

bucks? We're about
to make gazillions.

There's a f*cking "Saskatchewauntch"
running around here.

- We're going to catch it and sell it.
- [sigh]

No, Ricky. This is the f*cking thing
people have been seeing

running around
the woods.

Oh, my f*ck!
Are you serious?

I'm famous?
That's f*cking cool.

But I am f*cking starving.

Seriously, I haven't
eaten in two days.

Please, Ricky.
Please.

No chance, you
hairy sh*t-lunch.

You f*cked everything
up on us.

Oh yeah?
How about I go down

where you're growing
your f*cking weed

and leave the biggest sh*t
you ever f*cking saw?

[farting]

f*ck!
Take it easy.

Don't f*ck
with my clones.

I'll get you some lunch.
What do you want?

Oh, yeah!
Chalet, man.

White meat only.

Extra fries... and
cook 'em extra too.

Dipping sauce...

And... and if the Festive Feast
is still going on,

get me some of those
f*cking sweet and salty chocolate balls.

Here.

Oh, you guys are the
best. Thanks, man.

I'll be right
f*cking here.

Oh, my God.

Did that really
just happen,

or am I just super f*cking
high right now?

I'm sure you're
super high, Ricky,

but that did happen.

The metamorphosis
is complete.

Sam is an actual
caveman.

[theme music playing]

[power drill whirring]

[slurring]
There you go.

Now I'll be able to hear
you a lot better, Julian.

[blowing]

What's that, bud?

You want to share
your drink with me?

Sure.

It's a special day.

- [object clattering]
- Sorry, bud.

You want to drink too?

[in strained voice]
That'd be so nice.

Me and Julian...

alone at last.

[sobbing]

[kiss]

[Julian] All right, listen
up, everyone.

I was hoping
to sell the motel

and use the money
to buy Sunnyvale, but...

unfortunately, that's not going
to happen anymore.

[various disappointed groans]

The good news is that
f*cking lunatic, Leslie,

he's no longer there.

So, you guys can all
go back to Sunnyvale

- and live in peace.
- Huh! Live in piss, you mean.

We're not going
anywhere, are we?

- [Julian] Look...
- No.

The motel's flooded.

It's going to be
moldy soon.

It's going to rot away
and f*cking collapse.

It's just not safe!

I grew up
in Sunnyvale.

I care about it.

Just like I care
about all of you.

And if you live
in Sunnyvale,

you are my family.

So just trust me.

Go back to Sunnyvale.

Please.

That's all I gotta say.

Well, f*ck it!

Let's go.

[mixed muttering]

[slurring] Ah, Julian, you made
me spill my drink, bud.

A little drinky-poo?

Hey, you want to know
something, Julian?

I think I might have made
a little mistake, bud...

trying to keep Ricky
out of the park.

Because things got
a little screwed up, didn't they, bud?

Because I turned my back
on the f*cking liquor!

And there's only one f*cking way
to make it right, Julian.

It is not too late, bud!

[weeping]
It's never too late, bud.

Eh, Julian?

All right, yeah.
Sounds good.

Talk to you in a bit.

Hey, boys.
How'd it go?

Let me guess, there
was no Samsquamptches.

Oh, no, we saw a f*cking
Samsquamptch all right.

But it turned out
to be a Sam-squamptch.

What?

Sam Losco's living
in a f*cking cave

out in the woods
eating snakes and squirrels.

He's the f*cking thing
everyone's seent

running around
the g*dd*mn woods.

Are you f*cking serious?

Yup, and he's not
worth a g*dd*mn cent.

We're f*cked!

I'm sorry, man,
that I f*cked up...

Cory f*cked up, really,

Bubbles f*cked...
everyone's just f*cking up.

Look, man,
it's all right.

You didn't f*ck up
on purpose.

- It's cool.
- No, I know,

but I do feel
partly responsible

that this all
got cocked over.

You know, man,
whatever it takes,

I'll do anything
to help you fix this disaster.

You know what
you can do?

Go pick up your family,
and take them back to the park, bud.

Pshh, I wish I could, but
I can't. You know that.

Rick, there's no one
there to stop you now.

Yeah, Ricky,
go back to the park,

and be with
your family.

That's a good
f*cking point.

You should go
with him.

No, I'm going to stay
here with you, Julian.

If you recall,
I don't actually

have a "home"
to go back to.

But you should go,
Ricky, it'd be nice.

All right...
I will.

Thanks, boys.
f*cking love you guys.

Yeah, love you too,
you f*cking d*ck.

[sigh]
I love you guys.

[Bubbles sighing and purring]

You okay?

- [purring]
- What the f*ck are you doing?

Purring.

[laughing]
Man-kitty.

Means I'm happy.

[purring]

Try it, Ricky.

Feels good.
[purring]

Purr...

I thought I was just going
to make a statement

about how much of
a friggin' jerk Leslie is.

But when we got there,
he used his one phone call

to call the real police.

And he filed sexual as*ault
charges against me!

Just for checking his oil!

Mr. Lahey!

Mr. Lahey!

Mr. Lahey!

[mechanical whirring]

[splashing]

[slurring]
We gotta get rid of this liquor, bud.

Just you and me, buddy...
Just you and me.

Oh, God, I want
to be warm with you.

[weeping]
Oh, Julian!

Ahh.
[gurgling]

So, what's the
verdict, Julian?

Now, I make this call, and we'll be
done this afternoon.

No turning back.

What call?

- f*ck it. Let's do it.
- All right.

All you need
is a signature.

Compliments
of the house.

- All right?
- Thanks.

What the f*ck call
is he talking about?

What's going on?

[growling]
Julian?

Bubbs, I didn't want
to involve you in this.

But if we want to get the park back,
there's one option left.

And it's
f*cking greasy.

[sigh] I don't like the
word "greasy."

You mean greasy
or do you mean gree-hee-easy?

Gree-hee-easy.

[sighing]

You stay here, little buddy.

I'll be right back, okay?

[bleating]

Luce, Trin!

Luce!

Georgie.

- Ricky.
- Hey.

How's it going?

Don't want
any trouble.

I'm just here to take my family
home for good.

In the car.
We're moving back to Sunnyvale.

What are you
talking about?

It's for real, Luce.

Colonel Leslie
the fuckhead's in jail,

and I'm moving back
into my trailer today,

and I want both of you
to come with me.

- Are you serious?
- Dead serious.

Come on, let's get
the baby strapped in the car.

No, stop!

Not a chance.

Excuse me? You let the f*ck go
of my daughter!

Ricky! No, Ricky!

Come on.
Come on.

- [baby noises]
- There is not a snowball's chance in hell

that that baby is getting in that
unsafe piece of sh*t.

- Is that f*cking right?
- That's right.

I'm sick of this sh*t.
They're my f*cking family,

so I'm just gonna knock you the f*ck
out right now, you...

Ricky, no!
Ricky, don't!

Calm the f*ck
down, dumbass!

I just meant
I'll take them over in my car.

You don't think
I'm sick of this sh*t myself?

I get it, okay?

Lucy's never going to love me
the way she loves you.

Go with your family.

[kiss]

- [baby fussing]
- Look, George...

even though
you're a d*ck

and pretty much one of the biggest
fuckheads in the world,

in my opinion
most of the time,

I'm generously
sorry it had to go down like this.

I know how much
you liked her,

and it's gonna
really suck for you,

you don't get
to bang her anymore.

But there's plenty
of fish in that sea, isn't there?

[baby crying]

Dad, Moe is restless.

Do you have hair bear?

Ah, f*ck my ass!

I knew I forgot
something.

Well, what
about Willie?

They're both made
of the same hair.

I can leave Willie
with you guys.

I'll meet you back
at the park?

I'll swing by the motel
and get the hair bear.

I can't f*cking wait
to tap that, Lucy.

Ooh, it's
gonna be nuts!

Dad!

Sorry, Trin.
Slipped.

- All right, see you later.
- Tapping that,

and I might even tap that
if you let me.

[laughing]

[Ricky] Come on, Willie.
You can't stay in here.

[loud bass music on car stereo]

This is f*cking
greasy, Julian!

Why are these guys
even doing you a favor?

They're not.

They think they're doing
Steinberg a favor by f*cking us over.

Stupid assholes!

Tommy, get the f*ck over here
to help me with the p*rn tapes.

[Julian]
Smile, you fuckheads.

You're going
to get booma-f*cked.

What if we get caught?

We can't get caught.

As far as anybody knows,

we're in a meeting
with Steinberg right now.

It's the perfect
f*cking alibi.

Yeah, other than the fact you can
hear us on this thing.

No, you can't.
I ripped the f*cking mic out.

Don't worry,
I thought of everything, man.

[Bubbles] f*ck, Tommy...
[indistinct]

...freaking out.

[Julian] Come on,
hurry the f*ck up, you guys.

[Tommy & Cyrus indistinct expletives]

[Julian]
Just f*cking light it!

What are they doing?

Why are they so dumb?

[sigh]
For f*ck's sakes!

[Bubbles] Who the f*ck burns down
a motel like this?

[Julian]
Hurry the f*ck up!

A'ight, y'all.
This bus is old as f*ck.

I know some of
y'all can relate.

But it's not working
right now, but we're getting it fixed.

But the good news is, there's gonna be
some world-class entertainment,

y'know m'sayin',
while we wait.

Ladies and gentlemen,
apple-dawgs and mahfs,

give it up for
my boy, MC Flurry.

Ah, yeah!

[mixed cheers]

Spit some sh*t, dawg.
Okay.

- My height may be low
- Huh.

- My bike may be slow
- Huh.

But when I'm rockin'
on the mic

- That's right.
- We stand f*ckin' toe to toe

'Cause I'm
hard as f*ck, bitch

I ain't no
hamburger platter

I'm hard as f*ck, bitch
For me it don't matter

'Cause I'm hard as f*ck, bitch

[Jacob] f*cking penis bacon,
man. I tell ya.

[Cory]
Dude, what's up, man?

It's okay, we're
gonna get it.

- What's wrong with you?
- I'm frustrated.

Why did the engine
have to blow up right now?

'Cause, you know what?
This engine is bullshit.

But we're together.
We're hanging out.

So it's all good.
What can you do?

Yeah, you're
right, dude. Sorry.

I wanted to get back to the trailer

before Trinity
got there, y'know.

Check it.

I'm gonna ask Trinity
to marry me today.

I got this at Eon's.

Don't pay a cent
for six months.

That's a real
cubic zarcarbion.

Holy sh*t, dude!

Man, it sparkles
like a m*therf*cker.

Man, dude, and
it follows you where you look.

I'm so happy
for you, man!

It's awesome!

It does, eh.
I'm so nervous, though.

It's all I can
think about.

I really don't want
to f*ck this up.

You won't, man.

You know what,
I believe in you...

Hey, Sifto.

Y'all want to
hear a joke?

Okay.

How many b*tches
does it take to repair an engine?


How many?

Apparently
more than two.

[laughter]

Get the f*ck
off the bus.

Let me and my old man
do the job.

We ain't
dumb, bitch.

- That wasn't even a funny joke.
- Shut up!

- Hey, hey, hey...!
- [mixed laughter, chatter]

Hey, man, let me axe you something
right quick, a'ight?

Did you just
call me a old man?

Yeah, sorry, dawg.

Don't mean
no disrespect.

Yeah, but you
meant, like...

like your old man, right?

- Yeah.
- You meant I'm your old man.

[sniffling]

I'm your old man.

I love a ma'fck.

We fam now,
dawg, ain't we?

I love you, dawg,
I love you.

- Love you too, dads.
- [tongue click]

f*ck off, you
old white bitch!

[mixed laughter]

Hah... clownin'
ma'fck...

Seen?
I'm an old man.

I'm an old man
to a little ma'fck.

I'm a old man...

Not like old...

the way that
you're old...

[senior]
Doesn't matter, J-Roc.

Come on, come on,
come on,

we need this evidence, Bubs.

[Cyrus] Could you buy a f*cking
better lighter?

[Julian] Ah, you got to be
f*cking kidding me!

[engine roaring]

[Julian]
That f*cking thing.

[Bubbles] What the f*ck is
Ricky doing here?

[Julian]
What?

Jesus Christ!
What the f*ck!

Oh, my God, Julian.
They're going to see him.

[Cyrus]
Oh, f*ck.

[Bubbles]
Oh, my God, Julian...

[Julian]
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

[Cyrus]
Hey!

[Bubbles]
What the f*ck do we do?

[Ricky] What the f*ck are
you guys doing?

None of your f*cking
business, Ricky!

[Bubbles] What do we do,
what do we do?

- I don't know!
- [g*nshots]

What the f*ck do you mean,
you don't know?

[Bubbles] Holy f*ck, Julian,
they're going to k*ll him!

Ricky's too
stupid to die.

- That doesn't even make any sense!
- Yes, it does!

We have to get that f*cking motel lit.
Give me your sock.

What the f*ck do
you mean, my sock?

Just give me
your f*cking sock!

What do you want
my sock for?

If he dies 'cause
you want my sock...

- [grunt of effort]
- Just give me the f*cking sock.

Jesus Christ.

[g*nf*re continues]

- What are you doing?
- Give... me a light.

I don't have a f*cking light!
I don't smoke!

I got to get
to Ricky, man,

we got to light
this thing up.

Take the camera.

- Wait here.
- I'm not f*cking...

Just wait there!

[sigh]
Now my fingerprints are on this thing!

- [Ricky] You're dumb and you can't aim!
- [Cyrus] f*ck you!

[g*nshots continue]

[sh*t ricocheting]

Ready?
Go to the car.

One, two, three.

Mr. Lahey?

Mr. Lahey!

Mr. Lahey!

Mr. Lahey?

[gurgling]
Randy?

Why are you
having a bath...

with a mannequin...

that looks
like Julian?

[gurgling, indistinct]

You filled this
all with liquor?

[drunken babbling]

You want me to
go get Julian?

Why?

[drunken babble, sobbing]

Okay, okay, Mr. Lahey.

But, let's get you
out of here first, okay?

- [indistinct shouting]
- We're going to put you to bed.

- Come on...
- [shouting]

Okay, Mr. Lahey,
you're scaring me right now.

- [two g*nshots]
- Mr. Lahey!

I'll go get him
right now, Mr. Lahey!

[drunken moan]

[indistinct murmuring]

You all out of f*cking a*mo
now, dummy?

Does that answer your
question, p*ssy tits?

[Ricky indistinct] ...f*cking Tommy

trying to burn down
the f*cking motel!

I know, it's all part of my plan
and you're f*cking it up!

Then why are you
sh**ting at them?

Because they can't know
that I'm the one

paying them
to burn it!

[g*nshots]

Give me your lighter!

Why didn't you f*cking
tell me about this?

'Cause I was afraid you'd f*ck
everything up.

Yeah? Well, now
you didn't tell me

and I'm still f*cking up.
So what does that tell you?

Move!

What the f*ck
are you doing?

The hair bear's
in there!

- I need that!
- No, Ricky!

Holy f*ck!

[Bubbles]
Ahhhh!

- [roar of flames]
- f*ck!

I'm coming,
hair bear!

You're not going
in there, you idiot!

I got to get the f*cking hair bear!

Get in here!
Get in the f*cking room!

Ahh! Oh,
my f*ck, boys!

This is the most
f*cked up situation

- we've ever been in!
- No, it isn't.

Looks like the
three little pigs

are serving up
a pig roast for us!

Boys, I got to get
the f*cking hair bear.

No, Ricky, just wait!

What the f*ck are
we going to do here?

We're either
going to get sh*t

or we're going
to f*cking burn to death,

and both options
are f*cked!

Just calm the f*ck down
and let me think!

- [g*nshots]
- [Ricky] I shouldn't be involved,

- this is f*cking bullshit!
- Just wait, listen!

- [helicopter rotor whirring]
- Is that a heli-cocksucker?

"Live In The Sky" is going
to loop around right now...

Traffic seems to
have d*ed down.

Oh, wait a second, folks!

Uh, breaking news, here.

"Live In The Sky" is reporting
a fire at the Palliser Motel.

I repeat, the Palliser Motel
is on fire.

Oh, f*ck. Tommy,
it's a helicopter!

I hate f*cking
helicopters, man!

[engine ignition]

[Steve Rogers on radio]
Two little grease balls

just drove off in a red car.

We're going to swing
this baby around right now

and you keep you live
in action here...

Cyrus is gone, but...
Steve Rogers is out there

in his excellent news chopper!

Great! Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ, keep
the door shut, Bubs!

Holy f*ck, boys! There's got
to be a way out of here!

Well, we can't go
until I get the f*cking hair bear back!

You go outside
and we get caught on that camera,

we're going the
f*ck back to jail!

- I need him!
- We could use these!

Fine. If I can't
go out there,

I'm f*cking going
through here.

- [Julian and Bubbles] Rick! Ricky!
- [flames roaring]

[Julian] For f*ck's sakes, Rick,
what are you doing?

[coughing]

[muffled] Where the f*ck are you,
hair bear? Hair bear!

- [coughing]
- [flames crackling]

Here, Ricky, put this on.

Why the f*ck do I get the one
with the dress?

- Just put the f*cking thing on!
- For f*ck's sakes.

Ahhhhh!

[Steve Rogers] As you can see,
the Palliser Motel is on fire.

And now we can see
three not-so-little bears

trying to make a getaway.

Looks like Mama bear has
some kind of revolver...

[Julian]
Get in the f*cking car, Ricky!

They're making their way
to their vehicle.

We'll circle around and
see where they're headed.

I'm Steve Rogers,
your "Eye In The Sky".

- Let's go!
- [Ricky] Don't want to break the law,

now I get tangled up
in this bullshit!

[Julian] Shut the f*ck up
and drive!

[Bubbles] Will you boys stop
fighting, please!

[Ricky]
Well, f*ck, Bubbles!

Will you f*ck off with you big helicopter?
You're just showing the f*ck off!

Can't believe I got
caught up in this.

What the f*ck
does he want?

Sto-o-op! Stop,
stop, stop!

[Ricky] What the f*ck do you want?
We're kind of busy here, bud!

Mr. Lahey's in a tub
full of liquor.

He's trying to drink
himself to death.

You gotta save
him, Julian!

He'll only
talk to you.

f*ck! f*ck!
f*ck! f*ck!

If he kills himself,
we're f*cked!

[Julian]
Go, Ricky! Go, go, go!

- Come on!
- [g*nshots]

[Ricky] I'm f*cking driving
as fast as I can.

[Randy] Why are you guys dressed
like three bears?

[Bubbles] It's a long f*cking
story, Randy!

Just shut up!
[whimpering]

[seabirds squawking]

[fish]
f*ck! f*ck! f*ck off! f*ck...

[whisper]
Fucka.
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