01x08 - The Last Shall Be First

[bunniefuu]

♪ Taxi driver ♪

♪ Be my shrink for the hour ♪

♪ Leave the meter running ♪

♪♪

♪ It's rush hour ♪

♪ So take the streets if you wanna ♪

♪ Just outrun the demons, could you? ♪

♪ He said, "Allahu akbar" ♪

♪ I told him, "Don't curse me" ♪

♪ "Bo Bo, you need prayer" ♪

♪ I guess it couldn't hurt me ♪

♪ If it brings me to my knees,
it's a bad religion ♪

SAM: Morning.

I went ahead and let Mrs. Takahashi know

that she'll be your new counselor.

You should go and see her today.

There's a suspension form to sign.

And I want to have... I want you
to have someone to talk to.

[Music playing in headphones]

I think this makes the most sense.

♪♪

MAN: A form of indentured servitude

that was developed
as a condition of debt bondage,

and serfs could be bought
and sold and traded,

so there were some similarities

to sl*very, but there was usually...

♪ She on that sip of Henny,
she from that nitty-gritty ♪

- RILEY: Hi.
- ♪ She 'bout to glow up ♪

♪ Hit the club looking pretty ♪

♪ She on that sip of lean,
she got that tip from me ♪

You okay?

All good.

Okay, 'cuz you seem, like...

BOY: Where's Magic Mike?

Is that what people call me?

No. No one calls you that.

Um... A lot of...
A lot of sh*t went down,

and I can't really tell anyone else.

I need to talk to you about it.

Yeah, I'm kinda sick
of being all Mary Poppins,

like, save the world
for everyone, you know?

Like, it's not my job.

Yeah. Um...

But we're just worried about you.

And you're not responding
to anyone's texts,

and no one knows why
you pulled the fire alarm.

I told you, it was a joke.

Okay.

For real?

[Indistinct conversations in distance]

[Music playing in headphones]

Oh, sh*t.

[Exhales heavily] You scared me.

You gonna be here for a while?

Um...

I have next period free.

You... You don't normally
look like this.

Yeah, I'm not in a real chatty,

how ya' doin' kinda mood right now.

I-I can tell.

It's good how you speak
your mind and all.

- Who are you?
- I'm Bo.

Sorry. Uh, I'm intimidated,

and... and when I'm intimidated,
I always say the wrong thing.

Like, once, I asked my freshman crush

what it felt like
having divorced parents.

And that was me trying to flirt.

I intimidate you?

You intimidate everyone.

No, I know.

How come I've never seen you before?

We've had three classes together.

Really?

Sorry.

So...

What happened with your freshman crush?

Oh, he... he was straight.

"A person is a whole person
when they are good sometimes

but not always, and loved regardle."

"Ss."

CHESTER: They only suspended me
for four days,

but it was a shitty four days.

And I can't miss
any more school, so I'm back.

But, like, barely.

Why did you pull the fire alarm?

'Cuz I was loving too much
and in all the wrong places,

and...

that's just, like, the nature
of my personality, you know?

Yeah.

Actually, no.

All of my knowledge of love

is drawn from things
you'd definitely judge me for.

Like what?

Do you know Anju and Kafei
from Legend of Zelda?

- Yeah, you're right.
- [Chuckles]

Also, I think of
everyone's personalities

as Dungeons & Dragons alignments.

That's, like, the... like, the...

good, evil, neutral, whatever?

- Yeah.
- Which one am I?

Chaotic good.

I think.

What about you?

Neutral good.

Is that bad?

Do you want to be neutral?

I mean, like, right now in this moment?

[School bell rings]

I got class.

Wait. I don't really get
Dungeons & Dragons.

It's not surprising.

You saying I'm a judge-y bitch?

Yes.

But, I mean, right?

I don't play much anymore, but I love

that you can be a halfling druid
with a strength,

but roll a and, boom,
you k*lled an ogre.

I don't know... I find
randomness kind of...

hopeful?

♪♪

♪♪

♪ And I was saving your place ♪

♪ Cause you're always worth it ♪

♪ But you're always working ♪

GIRL: Yo. What's up?

Yo, where's the crop top at?

Yeah, no sparkle today?

TEAMMATE: Yo, are they bothering you?

No, I'm good.

No, we're just... we're just
like, "Where's Chester?"

Hey, are you sure you're okay, man?

Just waiting on some Cheetos.

- TEAMMATE # : What's up with him?
- Just waiting on some Cheetos.

[Boy speaks indistinctly]

Is he off his game?

He looks weird.

Yo, I can hear you.

Yo, watch this.

Hey, it's International Chester Day.

Yeah, hey.

Shirts off, everybody.

Come on. Shirts off for Chester.

- Shirts off for Chester.
- Come on.

Come on. For Chester. Come on.

Shirts off for Chester.

BOY # : Yeah, all right.

BOY: Tits out! Come on!
Let me see those tits!

- CHESTER: Can I get some Cheetos?
- [Boys shouting indistinctly]

Shirts off for Chester!

Come on, turn this sh*t up!

- Nipples out, boys!
- Come on, let's do it.

- Whoo!
- Don't be a p*ssy, come on!

Shirts off!

[Kids whooping, shouting indistinctly]

Yeah, come on! Get those tits out!

- Tits out!
- Tits out for Chester!

So problematic!

Chester doesn't even like tits.

Damn, you right.

Dicks out for Chester!

- Dicks out for Chester!
- Dicks out for Chester!

No! Worse!

Dicks out for Chester!
Dicks out for Chester!

[Kids cheering, shouting indistinctly]

GIRL: Oh, my God.

- That's hilarious.
- We can be a little gay.

It's not gay! It's not gay!

- Come on!
- Come on!

Chester!

[Music playing,
kids shouting indistinctly]

Come on, let's go! Let's go!

- Come on! Come on!
- Let's go! Come on!

[Kids shouting indistinctly]

♪♪

♪♪

[Kids cheering]

♪ You make me feel mighty real ♪

♪ You make me feel mighty real ♪

♪ When we get home, darlin',
and it's nice and dark ♪

♪ And the music's in Vienna ♪

♪ Still you're hot
and you kiss me back and it ♪

♪ Feels real good
and I know you love me ♪

♪ Like you should ♪

Yeah!

[Kids cheering]

♪ Oh you make me feel ♪

[Indistinct conversations in distance]

[Cellphone hums]

No. Do not. Please do not do that.

But, I mean, wasn't that
the whole thing with today?

- Like, to just go out and... and do it.
- No, no...

Yeah, but not in the way
you're thinking.

But, I mean...
When you dared us to kiss,

Chester was the first person to say yes.

He wanted to kiss me. You saw.

He was into it.

Mm, I don't know, actually.

I do. I was kissing him.

Yeah, I-I don't want to tell you

not to put yourself out there, okay?

I just don't think
you should, in any way, do

- what you're thinking of doing.
- I should just call him.

- Wait.
- No, seriously.

He likes it when there's just
zero bullshit, you know?

- [School bell rings]
- Hello?

Wait, I think I got his voicemail.

Hi, it's... it's me, Nathan.

That was insane today.

Like, just so awesome and... and...

Awesome. Um...

Anyway, I-I-I texted you a couple times

while you were suspended,
just to, like, you know,

see how you were doing...

Not like you should have
texted me back or anything,

it's just...

Um... What happened on the trip

with... with the kiss
and everything, um...

Just so you know,
I'm not with Arianna anymore.

Um...

Okay, so, award for
most rambling message ever,

but, like...

You know, I...

I-I think you're really cool
and, like, seriously,

I mean, who would not want
to f*ck their clone

if their clone was you, right?

I-I mean...

I would want to f*ck myself
if I was you.

Meaning, that, like...

I would want to f*ck myself
if myself was you.

- Please hang up. Please.
- I hope that doesn't sound creepy.

Um, Google how to delete
a message you're leaving.

Um... Okay.

Um... I-I guess
what I'm really trying to say

is that, like, I-I know that, like,

on some level, you're up there,
and I'm down here,

and t-there is every reason in the world

that we would not work out,
but... but...

sometimes opposites attract, right?

So...

Um...

I-I-I don't really know
what else to say,

except that, like...

I know that you were probably
hurting this week,

and... and I would have given...
anything

just to come over
and make you feel better.

Like... I-I don't know if you remember,

but when we first met at Riley's party,

you put your arm around me,
and... and it was...

It was everything.

Um...

Okay. Um...

Crazy, psycho crying happening now,

but... but... but, um...

It's just that...

sometimes, I-I want to put
my arm around you, too,

and... and make you feel that way,

like... like how I feel about you,

because I-I don't want
to use the word love but...

[Cellphone beeps]

Ugh! You've got to be f*cking kidding!

It's gone.

Tittyfuck cuntnugget.

Can you guys go to Gardenwalk
after school?

As long as I'm home by : .

My dads have a standing Friday sex date,

and I have to put their Passion pen back

before they know I took it.

Yeah, I want to.

It's just, ugh, malls.

A.C. and capitalism. You know?

But, I mean... Potato Corner!

[All screaming]

Wait! Go that way, go that way!

♪ Been a long time
since I felt this attract... ♪

Turn, turn, turn!

MAN: Be careful!

Jesus! Watch it!

Can I just say I hate kids?

They just scream
and take things from you.

Oh, I have massive hunger pains.

f*ck, Hot Dog on a Stick
sounds so good right now!

But meat? No, I cant.

- What? No!
- Just do it! You're with us.

No one has to know.

I want it so bad.

No. No meat. I can't.

Taste this strip.

- Oh, it's so good.
- So good.

Oh, my God.

I want to do that!

[Laughter]

I need to get off!

I have the worst stomachache!

No, just stay on!
My phone was out of storage,

but it just uploaded to the thingy,

so now I can film you...

Oh, man. My dads are here!

- No!
- Yes! I love you!

I love you the most!

Bye-bye.

Ooh.

It's probably just cramps, but
I have to go to the bathroom.

- I'll meet you at Sephora.
- No, please come with me.

Please.

Ooh! f*ck this cramp!

Ow! Ow!

[Grunting]

[Groaning]

[Gasping]

Are you okay?

I'm in so much f*cking pain!

Sephora's closing.

[Breathing heavily]

Dude, the service in here sucks.

I'm being r*ped by pop-up ads.

[Splash]

[Both scream]

sh*t!

- I love you!
- It's coming out!

- Holy f*ck.
- Hi.

Hi.

f*ck you!

- You ready?
- [Baby crying]

Okay, so, yes, you can
safely surrender a baby

hours after it's born.

Hand the baby over,
no questions asked, that's it?

It's... They literally cannot
ask you any questions.

God, f*ck. Why can't there be
that law for my parents?

Hey. And yes, you have
days to change your mind.

No, no, no, no, no, baby.

Don't worry. I'm not changing my mind.

- Me, neither.
- No, J and I talked about this.

You need to go to someone
who wants to take care of you.

God, this no questions asked
thing is genius.

You could do it at a hospital,
a police station...

- f*ck the police.
- ...or fire station.

Seriously?
The first time I achieved orgasm

was to an Australian
Firefighters calendar.

Over there.

Oh, God. I'm literally
sweating right now.

[Dog barking in distance]

Oh, y'all look crusty.

Hi, tiny human.

This was mine.

My Nonna never throws anything
away, and we glad for it now.

Sorry you had to be born.

Oh.

But, hey, look at all of us,

you know? We didn't ask
to be born, either,

and we're making it work.

There you go.

- We're going to a firehouse.
- Yes.

I just need to get something
from my house first.

Hi.

Hi!

[Engine starts]

[Chuckles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I don't really care
if you like me or not ♪

♪ But I know that you want me to ♪

♪ Oh, anythin' I do,
I know you're gonna watch ♪

♪ To rumor up that I'm a fool ♪

♪ You and all your friends
have to walk in a squad ♪

♪ 'Cause y'all are so insecure ♪

♪ Oh, overcompensate
'cause you're sizing me up ♪

♪ The oldest trick in the book ♪

Did you get my voicemail?

CHESTER: Huh?

D-did... Did you get my voicemail?

No.

- ♪ There's nothing you could say ♪
- [Sighs]

Oh, wait, no. Yeah, I did.

I'll listen to it later.

Oh, no, no, i-i-i-it's fine.

You can just... you can just delete it.

Oh, honey.

Now I am definitely listening to it.

♪ 'Cause I know what you really want ♪

♪ A little more confidence, mm-hmm ♪

♪ This is where it's gotta stop ♪

♪ I'm tired of hearin' it ♪

I'll be really quick.

[Crickets chirping]

- [Baby crying]
- ARIANNA: Oh, my God.

- Shhh.
- GRETA: No, it's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

- Shh. Shh.
- [Crying continues]

I got it. I got it.

Okay, thank God,
'cause I've done enough today.

I am nobody's auntie.

- Hi.
- [Crying continues]

Oh, yeah, I know.

I know.

It's okay.

You're okay.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi, baby.

Shh. Hi.

Hi. Ooh.

Hi. Ah! Uh...

♪ I'm a savage, okay ♪

♪ Classy, bougie, ratchet, okay ♪

♪ Sassy, moody, nasty, okay ♪

♪ Acting stupid, what's happening? ♪

♪ Yes, what's happening? ♪

♪ Sassy, moody, nasty, okay ♪

You're k*lling my lullaby vibe.

S-sorry.

I know.

♪ I'm a savage ♪

- [Baby cooing]
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

- No, it's okay. It's okay.
- [Door slams]

[Cellphone vibrating]

Okay. I'm ready.

So, nearest firehouse, or...

Yeah, uh... uh, it's just...

Yes to a firehouse,
but I don't know which one.

[Cellphone ringing]

I mean, I'm assuming
whichever one we choose,

whoever's gonna adopt them
is someone local,

and sentencing this kid
to a life in Anaheim

just seems straight-up criminal.

[Cellphone vibrating]

D, I definitely don't want to rush you,

but it's getting late and
my mom's starting to freak out.

Um, yeah. Also, longer we're out,

the more likely we are
to get pulled over,

and then we're f*cked.

Okay.

Nearest firehouse.

Let's go.

♪♪

"Jesus is the reason for the season?"

Are we sure we want
to leave the baby here?

I'm getting homeschooling vibes.

So, like, no. Definitely not here.

I mean, where other than Oakland
do unicorn lesbians live?

I'm looking up best places
in California for queers

besides San Francisco right now.

Okay?

Wait, Laguna?

"Sunny beaches and secluded coves,

Laguna is Southern California's
most alluring beach town."

I don't know. Like, what kid's, like,

"Life ain't perfect, but
at least I got secluded coves"?

- [Cellphone ringing]
- What is going on with her?

I don't know, but I feel
like something happened.

What?

[Megan speaking indistinctly]

[Cellphone clicks]

- Oh, sh*t.
- What?

My phone uploaded at the mall,

and the video
of you guys kissing Chester

is on the family iCloud.

No way!

Why does iCloud never work,
and then when it does,

it screws up your whole life?!

- Did she tell my dads?
- [Cellphone ringing]

Do I answer? f*ck! I have to answer.

Hi.

No, why are you talking to me
about this and not Nathan?

Do you not see how problematic that is?

[Mimics static] My service sucks! Bye!

Problematic is literally
my new favorite word.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

Bitch, don't even.

iCloud is a c**t.

- And, I mean, my dads can't be on me
- [Cellphone ringing]

for threeways, right?

She's calling me form the landline.

And she's FaceTiming me!

She is literally double-fisting us!

[Cellphones ringing and vibrating]

First, where in the name of God are you?

Do you have any idea
how terrified I've been?

And where is your brother?

- Hi, Mom.
- Oh, thank God.

Where are you?

- J-Just out.
- Hey, girl, hey.

- I just wanted to...
- Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh.

- Wait, she froze.
- NAOMI: Can we just turn our phones off?

No, I... I think I should deal.

DELILAH: We have... no, we have to go.

No, I just... I just don't
want her calling the cops.

[Cellphone ringing]

I saw that video, okay?

So how do you like them apples?

- Mom, can we just talk?
- No, no!

No, no, no, no, no,
we cannot just... this is it.

You two are coming home
right this minute.

When you walk through that door,

I am gonna come down on you so hard,

it's gonna make your head spin.

No more Mrs. Nice Mujer, okay?

Are you listening to me?

I am going Old Testament.

It's gonna be an eye for an eye.

[Voice breaking] Why do you always
want to make me the enemy?

You literally just said
"eye for an eye."

[Normal voice]
Because you drove me to it!

Oh, God, kids. Listen to me.

I am really trying
my Brené Brown best, okay,

to stand here in my vulnerability,

because I am a human.

Yeah, and so are we, okay?
We're not just kids.

I mean...

We are, but...

Look, right now we are helping
the less fortunate,

and that is something
that you taught us,

so please, please stop thinking
that you did such a bad job

as a mother, because you didn't, okay?

We'll get back in touch with you.

No!

[Both laugh]

- Okay, okay, okay.
- DELILAH: Is she gonna call the cops?

- Probably.
- Yeah.

J: Go to Settings, Location Services,

Find My Friends, and turn off Bluetooth.

"We'll get back in touch with you?"

Iconic!

I'm so sorry, but my aunt's
starting to freak out.

Where you wanna go, boo?

♪♪

Okay. Secluded coves
and sunny beaches it is.

♪♪

Um, I...

I couldn't have, um, you know, done...

J-Just, thank you.

Mnh-mnh. No.

You don't thank your sisters.

I'm adopted.

Oh, I wasn't... I wasn't sure.

Yeah. It's this whole thing
with my birth parents, where...

where, like, if they had not
got stuck at a red light,

they would have made it
to the CVS before it closed,

and then they would've got a condom,

and I wouldn't have been born.

And then my birth mom was choosing

what family to put me with

and was gonna go with
some family in Idaho,

but I guess she wasn't
really vibing them,

and that day, her horoscope was like,

"Stay away from potatoes."

So she was like, "Oh.
I love 'Will and Grace.'

I should just go with
the gay guys in California."

And even if it's fun telling my dads

I'd be so much happier in Idaho,
I definitely wouldn't.

Clearly, I'm not a God person,

but with stuff like that,
it just makes you think,

how it all kind of happens
like its supposed to.

[Whispering] It's really good,
what you're doing.

[Sighs]

[Dog barking, car doors slamming]

Yeah.

This is my favorite shirt.

I want you to have it.

Like that.

[Cooing]

I also want you to have this
transformative justice manual

and this Audre Lorde book.

Let's tuck them under here.

[Cooing]

Hold up.

Hi.

[Cooing]

[Whispering] May you always
be loved, regardless.

[Cooing]

I've been carrying this
since the th grade.

[Cooing]

May it keep pain away.

[Cooing]

[Camera beeps and clicks]

Hi, hi.

[Whispering indistinctly]

You ready?

[Doorbell buzzes]

[Indistinct talking]

[Sighs]

That fireman was f*ckin' hot.

[Chuckles softly]

[Winter Aid's "The Wisp Sings" plays]

♪♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪♪

♪ Let me sleep ♪

♪ I am tired of my grief ♪

♪ And I would like you ♪

♪ To love me ♪

♪ To love me, to love me ♪

♪ This is the night
when these woods sigh ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ There are people who cannot speak ♪

♪ Without smiling ♪

♪ They would take me from your hand ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Or they would try, they would try ♪

♪ Buried for a night, like this ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪