01x16 - Risky Business

[bunniefuu]

Topanga and I
invested our imaginary $ , ...

in the stock market.

- And how did you do?
- We kicked Wall Street butt.

Yet, none of the companies
we invested in...

discriminate on the basis
of race, sex, or bad karma.

You got to love her.

You got to lock her up.

Well thought out, Mr. Minkus.

Very politically correct,
Miss Lawrence.

Which company's next?

Mr. Feeny, this project
wasn't due for another week.

This is just a progress report,
Mr. Matthews.

Those companies Who've made
progress should have no problem.

Ahem. We have a problem.

Our investment plan is...

proceeding.

We are pleased to report
we have absolutely no losses.

And we haven't fired anybody,
and nobody quit.

They haven't even started yet.

No?

[BELL RINGS]

Come here.

In the week that you have left
with this assignment...

I Want to see some real effort.

Mr. Feeny,
"effort" is my middle name.

'Cause it starts with "F '."

I'm glad our company
is making money...

because as the future mother
of my children...

you are going to live
in the lap of luxury...

because I am a provider, babe.

Minkus, anyone can
draw lines on a chart...

and say they're making money.

You know,
you guys are big talk...

because you're bigger than me...

but when it comes
to using your brains...

how confident are you?

More confidenter than you.

Let me handle the negotiations,
Mongo.

What have you got in mind?

I say we forget
Feeny's imaginary money...

and we invest real money
and see who comes out on top.

I don't have a real $ , .

You get an allowance, don't you?

That five bucks is sacred.
That's my snack money.

- Afraid?
- No.

- Yes.
- Make it ten.

- Are you nuts?
- Fifteen.

Apparently, I'm invisible.

- Twenty.
- Twenty-five.

Topanga, make them stop talking.

As an equal partner
in our corporation...

I'd like to have a voice
in this.

Fine. Let me set it up for you.

It's me against them
in a battle of wits.

$ , .

Ten bucks it is.

There's a sucker born
every minute.

TWo that minute.

I'm just going to give this
to Minkus now...

so I don't get attached to it.

It's been real, Abe.

OK, I've got an idea.

Let's call my Uncle Frank.
He knows horses.

You want to bet our allowances
on a horse?

Come on. Uncle Frank puts
our bucks on a -to- sh*t.

Bingo, bango... fifty bucks.

We win the bet, we sell
our story, we're movie stars.

Shawn, I just have one question.

If your uncle knows how
to make money this easy...

how come he lives in a trailer?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

We bet our whole week's
allowance on a horse.

I can't breathe.
My lungs can't take it.

I got... gastritis.

Hey, who sent you a valentine?

"Dear Boom-Boom..."

That's what my dad
calls my mom...

when he thinks
no one's listening.

Boom-Boom?

Yeah, it makes me sick, too.

"Roses are red,
violets are blue...

"Valentine's Monday,
let's rendezvous."

They're always leaving
goofy notes for each other...

secret meetings,
romantic weekends.

When you're a parent,
that's all you have left.

Yeah, my folks
are romantic like that.

Last year for Valentine's Day,
my dad rotated my mom's tires.

ANNOUNCER:
And now the results...

of the ninth race
from Aqueduct.

It's posttime.

The winner
is Tuna MeLt by a neck...

followed by Hot Wax
and Jacob's Ladder.

Tuna MeLt paid . to win...

. to pLace.
and . to show.

- Aah!
- What? What?

- We won!
- How much?

This times this.

Ninety-nine bucks.

- Aah!
- Aah!

- What is the matter?
- We won!

He means the Flyers.

Sudden death overtime goal.
Very exciting.

You guys act like
you had money on the game.

Oh, mom.

What is this?

Breathe in.
[INHALES]

You oK, Mrs. Matthews?

Huh? oh, yeah. I'm fine.
I was just thinking...

I got to get a sitter
for Monday night.

Breathe out.
[EXHALES]

I started babysitting
when I was around twelve...

and you're almost twelve.

Maybe you could stay
with Morgan.

The job pays $ . an hour.

Whew. Two bucks...
that's a lot of money.

Mom, you know what?

Keep the two bucks
and buy yourself a nice dress.

Gee, thanks, Cor.

OK, Monday night.
I'll take a chance on you.

Whew. You almost
spilled the beans to Boom-Boom.

Hey, we just won
a hundred bucks.

- Yes!
- Yes!

[IMITATING sh*ts]

- Hah!
- Hah!

& Doo doo doo doo doo &

& Doo doo doo doo doo &

& Doo doo doo doo &

Come here, guys.

Now... would this bother you?

All right.
Your name is Brianna Henshaw.

You're the best-looking girl
in school.

So one day you see me...

accidentally stumble
into your best friend Debbie...

and inadvertently
French-kiss her.

Now you won't go out with me.
Why won't you go out with me?

I'm a little bit country.

You're a little bit
rock 'n' roll.

Hey, Eric,
you like this girl...

well, then,
you got to take a big risk.

- I know about this.
- oh, you do?

Well, I'm always eager to get
romantic advice from a fetus.

The point is, you're never
going to win her over...

unless you do something bold,
unless you take a risk.

That's how I live my life.
I'm Risk Boy.

After careful market analysis...

product testing,
and strategic planning...

we bet on Tuna Melt to win.

You gambled with your $ ?

- It's $ , .
- oh, right, right.

You invested your money
on a racehorse?

And we won.

Call the police, Mr. Feeny.
It's illegal for minors to bet.

Well, now,
he has a point, Mr. Matthews.

Yes, he does.
Good point, little nerdling.

Except in this assignment...

we're supposed to be
businessmen and businesswomen.

And as we all know...

it's perfectly legal for men
and women to play the ponies.

Mm-hmm. Although I don't
condone gambling in any form...

Mr. Matthews and Hunter
have demonstrated...

a basic tenet
of American free enterprise...

the bigger the risk,
the bigger the reward.

- Risk, risk, risk.
- Reward, reward, reward.

Oh, please.

I think they were very bold.

Gold digger.

A hundred bucks and an "A."

It just doesn't get any better
than this.

I am a dating god. Worship me.

Ignore him. Maybe his big head
will float him upstairs.

I was bold, I took a risk...

and now I got a date
with Brianna Henshaw.

And you should be saying
thank you to whom?

The Helco Locker Company
of Madison, Wisconsin.

- Why?
- I stuffed myself in her locker.

Eric, when I said take a risk...

I didn't want you
to become a stalker.

I only had to wait in there
for, like, three periods.

I mean, she came back from math,
and there I was...

her compact bundle of love.

The greater the risk,
the greater the return.

What's this?

"Dear Pooh-bear..."

From mom to dad.

Ooh. Boom-Boom's reply.

"Blue is the violet,
red is the rose.

"Wear that sexy cologne,
and meet me at : ...

at the place
where you proposed."

Poetry is not
Boom-Boom's strong suit.

Poetry. Girls love poetry.

Uh, there once was a guy
in a locker...

Who just got a date...
what a shocker.

You are a real chip
off the old Boom-Boom.

Hey, Shawn, can you reach
your Uncle Frank right now?

Yeah. Why?

Because I have wasted the last
twelve years of my life.

Huh?

"Don't swim after you eat.
Don't read in the dark.

Don't stick your head
in the ball return."

What are you talking about?

I've been playing it safe
all my life...

and where's it gotten me?

Here in a room with you.

Thanks a lot.

I'm talking about risk, Shawn.

Big risk... big reward.

Bigger risk... bigger reward.

Feeny finally taught us
something that we can use.

Call your uncle.

You want to risk
our hundred bucks?

I Want to live.

ANNOUNCER: The FLyers
swept by MontreaL. - .

Forget the stinking Flyers.

Give me the fifth race
at Pimlico.

And now the results
of the fifth race at PimLico.

Come on, Neck Flap, baby!

And the winner is N...

Nuh? What kind of name is Nuh?

You idiot! You ripped the plug
out of the wall.

Well, he said Nuh.
It's got to be Neck Flap.

What other horse
starts with Nuh?

OK, we got
Neck Flap, Nux Vomica...

Nunzio's Dream, and,
remarkably a horse called Nuh.

Come on, get on the horn
and call your uncle.

Gus, Shawn.
Give me Frankie Two Toes.

Frankie Two... why is he called
Frankie Two Toes?

Well, I could tell you,
but then I'd have to k*ll you.

Uncle Frank, how'd our horse do?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

What? What's the matter?

I knew we shouldn't have bet
on Neck Flap.

All the smart money was on Nuh.

I know, I know. We lost it all.

Uncle Frank says...

We just lost all our money,
because we took a risk.

Because We didn't play it safe.

I'll never take another risk
as long as I live.

We just won
six hundred and eighty bucks.

Let it ride!

Yeah! Yeah!

Let's count it again.

It's been bucks
the last times.

Don't you love twenties?

I'm going to go get us a pizza.

Fine. Go. But get a receipt.
This is a business dinner.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Two-to-one,
that phone rings again.

[RING]

I can't lose.

Matthews and Hunter,
entrepreneurs.

Oh, hi, mom.
No. Dad left forty minutes ago.

He was dressed real nice
for Valentine's Day.

You're going to love him.
All right, got to go.

Time is money.

You're busted!

I didn't do anything illegal.

Look, I know you're new at this,
so I'll cut you a break.

You're supposed to entertain me!

Forget it, you rug rat.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Five-to-one it's dad.

Hello. Hi, dad.

Ho, I'm good!

No. Mom just called for you.

Well, I'm telling you,
she's there.

She's probably
in the next phone booth.

OK, bye.

Man, I can't believe mom
and dad can't find each other.

How big is this restaurant?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Mom, dad just called and...

Shawn?

What? Are you kidding me?

Lenny Dykstra? Keep him there.

I don't know,
tie him to a chair.

OK, bye.

Morgan, get your coat.

Come on, Morgan.
We got to hurry.

Lenny Dykstra's having dinner
at Bob Stubchek's Pizza World.

You wouldn't play with me,
I'm not going with you.

Morgan.

Morgan.

Morgan, come out of there.

No!

Morgan, if I can get
these baseball cards signed...

they're worth a fortune.

What do you say?

What part of "no"
don't you understand?

Morgan, come on.
He's halfway through his pizza.

Do you understand
how important this is?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Fine, Morgan.
You want to stay in there?

I bet you five cupcakes...

that you can't stay
in this house all by yourself...

without getting
into any trouble.

Six cupcakes.

You're on. I'll be right back.

Cool.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

I hold in my hand
one dozen freshly signed...

mint-condition
Lenny Dykstra rookie cards.

Getting more valuable
every second.

They're more valuable now...
now, now.

- Ka-ching!
- Ka-ching!

Wait a minute.

I didn't leave
the front door open.

Uh-oh.

Morgan!

Morgan!

Shawn, Morgan's gone.

Oh, this is bad. This is bad.

This is bad. This is bad.

This is really bad. This is...

- Mr. Feeny.
- Mr. Matthews.

I did a bad thing.
I did a terrible thing.

I thought I couldn't lose.

I took a risk
I never should have.

Calm down, Mr. Matthews.
It's just imaginary money.

No, but it was
my real baby sister.

I took a chance
and left her by herself.

Someone broke in
and kidnapped her.

- Morgan's in the tree house.
- What?

Morgan!

This is bad. This is bad.
This is bad.

Morgan. It's oK. It's me.

- Too tight.
- Sorry.

Here.

I did a bad thing.

No, you didn't.
I did a bad thing.

I never should've
left you alone.

I broke a Window.

Well, no one's
going to know that...

because I'll tell mom and dad
that I did it.

Why?

Well, if I hadn't
left you alone...

it never would've happened,
so it really is my fault.

I promise, I won't let you be
in trouble with mom and dad, oK?

OK.

I hope you don't plan on going
into babysitting professionally.

ALan. it was humiliating.

How could you go
to the wrong restaurant?

Or was proposing to me
that forgettable?

I can only say I'm sorry
so many times.

How could you forget
something so important?

You're right. I am the crass,
unfeeling dunderhead...

who forgot that I proposed
to you at Chez Lafleur.

Yes, you are.
And I may forgive you in time.

What restaurant
did you go to anyway?

Can't we just
forget about this...

just get on to the romantic
part of the evening?

Mm-hmm.

Just tell me. Where did you go?

I Went to Phil's Grill.

Phil's grill? That's... oh.

What? "oh"?

Come on. Let's go inside.

No, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

That was a big mistake. "oh."

Can't we just get on...

with the romantic part
of the evening, Pooh-bear?

No, wait a minute. No, no, no.
Don't you Pooh-bear me.

I did propose to you
at Phil's Grill, didn't I?

- Yes, you did.
- ooh, I knew it! I knew it.

What happened at Chez Lafleur?

I was proposed to
at Chez Lafleur.

Not by me.

Are you hungry? I'm so hungry.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Who proposed to you
at Chez Lafleur?

- Mark BraithWaite.
- Mark BraithWaite?

Mark BraithWaite
proposed to you?

Who is Mark Braithwaite?

- Some guy.
- Some guy?

Some random drive-by proposal?

Somebody proposed to you,
and you didn't tell me about it?

- No.
- Why not?

Oh, 'cause silly me, I thought
maybe you'd get angry.

Oh, well, fine. obviously
you know me. I don't know you.

Alan!

Did you accept the proposal?

Do you have another set
of children in Muncie, lndiana?

Are Vera, Chuck, and Dave...

waiting for their mother
to come back...

after stepping out for gum
eighteen years ago?

"So the velveteen rabbit said,
'l am a real rabbit."'

- Alan.
- Amy, if that's your real name.

Cory, what happened?

It's all my fault. No one else
is to blame except me.

But don't worry, dad.

I'm going to pay for it
out of my own money.

Your own money?
How are you going to do that?

Well, I would tell you...

but the yelling and screaming
that would happen...

would only wake up
my dear little sister...

who, thank God, is still alive.

Well, based on
performance figures to date...

it seems as though...

the Matthews-Hunter
Consortium...

is our most profitable
corporation.

So, gentlemen, do you have
any business tips...

for our other
young entrepreneurs?

Yeah.
Some people bet on a jockey.

I say, "Give me a horse
that can run in the mud."

oh, bravo.

Anything to add, Mr. Matthews?

Yes. The greater the risk...

the greater
the potential profit.

Just like you taught us,
Mr. Feeny.

Yes, but sometimes
the glitter of the profit...

makes one lose sight
of the risk.

And you should never
gamble anything...

that you can't afford to lose.

- I didn't teach you that.
- No, you didn't.

I kind of managed
to trip over that one myself.

[BELL RINGS]

You know, Stu, I was so busy
counting money yesterday...

I completely forgot
to give you your valentine.

So... here.

No hard feelings, eh, big brain?

Should I open it?

I know it's just going
to be insulting and mean.

Sticks and stones
may break your bones...

but words can never hurt you.

I made that up.

Mm-hmm.

- "Happy Valentine's Day."
- Ah.

"Turn around."

Here, mom.

What's this?

It's all the money
Shawn and I had left over...

after we paid
for the vase and the door.

And you spent it on me?

Easy come, easy go.

Is that from Mark BraithWaite?

No. It's from Cory Matthews.

Well, in case it gets lonely.

Pooh-bear, they're beautiful.
Why?

Because this was the worst
Valentine's Day of my life.

Including the time
that Margie Dwyer...

told all the girls
in fifth grade I had cooties...

and they threw my cards away.

Oh.

And I was thinking...

that you may have been
proposed to twice...

but you only said yes once...

and I'm glad it was me.

Happy Valentine's Day,
Boom-Boom.

So...

What makes you think
I was only proposed to twiceി