01x20 - The Play's the Thing

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, class.

I would like you all
to let out...

your most agonized groan.

ALL: Aw...

Good. Now, let's start planning
our springtime class play.

ALL: ohh!

Been there, heard that.

Now, before you give up
in despair...

you may want to hear
my play selection.

It has
sword fights, m*rder, skulls...

even ghosts.

- How does that sound?
- Sounds like Spielberg.

- Sounds like Shakespeare.
- Sounds like a loser.

We will be doing selected
scenes from the play Hamlet.

Mr. Hunter, in the parlance
of the theater...

you will be a spear carrier.

Excellent.

So this guy I play is like,
what, a warrior and a hero?

No. This guy you play
has very few lines to memorize.

Miss Lawrence,
you will be playing...

the tragic heroine ophelia.

Now, this is a challenging role.
She goes quite insane.

Topanga insane? What a stretch.

If I were a less-evolved person,
I'd say cram it, brillo-head.

Mr. Minkus...

you will be playing the role
of the wise old Polonius.

Polonius?
He only has forty-eight lines.

I sort of pictured myself
as the melancholy Dane.

For those of you unfamiliar
with the reference...

Mr. Minkus means the lead role,
Prince Hamlet.

Now, this is a tricky part
to cast...

because Hamlet gets on
a lot of people's nerves.

He makes one stupid mistake
after another...

and for five acts
he never shuts up.

What, do I have a booger?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Cory, I don't want
to be a windmill anymore.

Morgan,
you have to work with me.

I'm not going to be humiliated
again...

in front of everyone
on the Jersey shore.

You and Dad are going
to get your butts kicked.

Not this year. Mom and Eric's
winning streak is over.

Over there?

Hey, Cor,
can I borrow some cash?

You're the one with the job.
I'm Allowance Boy.

They cut our salaries
% at the market.

Now, look, I could have gone
to anybody for cash...

but I came to you
because we're family.

I mean, we're like brothers.

You're the closest person
in the world to me, Cor.

And your name is...

All right, look. For five bucks,
and you never tell Mom...

I'll throw the Goofy
Golf tournament this year.

Hey, Dad and I
don't need you guys...

to take a dive for us to win.

Ahem.

Yeah, you do.

"To be or not to be,
that is the question.

"Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind...

"to suffer
the slings and arrows of... "

Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

Mr. Feeny,
who wrote this garbage?

Some say Shakespeare's plays...

were written
by a group of individuals...

but I don't necessarily
believe that.

I personally subscribe
to the Francis Bacon theory.

I go with the Jimmy Dean
sausage theory.

Please continue, Mr. Matthews.

OK.

"To die, to sleep... no more.

And by a sleep to say
we end the heartache."

Can I please stop whining...

and shove a sword
through somebody's guts?

Yes, as soon as you get
to the queen's chamber.

See, there's your problem
right there.

You want m*rder,
you want suspense...

you don't go
to your mother's bedroom.

And how are you
going to improve...

the greatest play
in English literature?

Well, for starters...

let's set this thing
in a burning skyscraper.

Then I could do sort of
a Bruce Willis thing, you know?

sh**ting Uzis,
blowing away t*rrorists...

jumping out windows.

All this guy Hamlet does
is talk.

He even talks
when nobody's there.

Prince Hamlet finds himself...

in the middle
of a terrible dilemma.

Whatever course of action
he chooses...

could have dire consequences.

He is racked With indecision.

He is one of literature's
most human characters.

You mean most wimpy characters.

Wimps talk, heroes do stuff.

The gospel according
to Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Ah, ophelia,
don't you look authentic.

Thank you, Mr. Feeny.
Here's your costume.

Jedidiah sewed it last night.

Wait a minute.
What was your dad thinking?

This is a minidress
and pantyhose.

No, no. Actually this is
a doublet and tights...

which is how male actors
dressed back in the s, see?

You know, maybe
if Hamlet had worn pants...

he could have made
a decision or two.

Is that a sexist comment?

That's what I was sh**ting for.

Don't listen to her, Cor.
Her dad sews.

Now, listen.

Part of this assignment
is to learn the classical style.

So doing the play
in its original form...

will help with the lesson.
Here.

OK, Mr. Feeny, you don't want
to listen to my ideas...

the kind of ideas that could
make this play famous, fine.

But don't expect me...

to sit around like Hamlet did
and take it.

Oh, and what do you propose
to do?

I quitteth.

A stunning series of jabs
from Matthews...

staggering
an unsuspecting Feeny.

A simple move
in the art of negotiation...

my little spear carrier.

- You think he'll give in?
- What choice does he have?

Without me,
he'll have to cancel the play.

It's Less than a week away.

I mean,
who else is he going to find...

who has my, dare I say,
charisma?

Yeah, that and no one else
knows all the lines.

Now I am alone.

Oh, what a rogue
and peasant sl*ve am I?

- You, Hamlet?
- Thou speaketh true.

[LISPING]
Thou speaketh like Snagglepuss.

Melancholy Dane... he was Danish.

Maybe I should do this
with a Scandinavian accent.

[SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT]
Soft you now, the fair ophelia.

Nymph, in thy orisons
be all my sins remembered.

Wait till Feeny sees our Prince
Haagen Dazs over there.

He's going to be begging me
to come back to the play...

with my U*i.

Coming to an elementary school
near you...

Hambo. Part Six...
To k*ll or Not to k*ll.

[IMITATING MACHINE g*n]

I just sank eighteen in a row.

You and Mom
are Goofy Golf has-beens.

I think we'll just keep
our trophy on the shelf.

The tournament
has been canceled.

What?

Remember that % pay cut
at the market?

Dad's pay got cut, too.

He says we can't afford
to go away this year.

Eric, what are you talking
about? Dad's the boss.

He can do Whatever he Wants.

Dad!

Dad, what's this stuff
about us not going...

to the Jersey shore?

Uh, well, sorry, Cor...

but Mom and I
had to cancel that trip.

How come you did
this pay cut thing now?

Well, it wasn't my decision.

Well, whose decision was it?

- Bob Williams.
- So just fire him.

I can't. He's the boss.

I thought you were the manager.

Well, I am the manager,
but he's the district manager.

Then above him
there's a lot of other bosses.

Well, come on, Dad. There must
be something you can do.

Well, what do you suggest?

I suggest
Dad can do anything he wants.

Well, there are other people
to consider, Cor...

like my employees.

Yeah, but, I mean,
you're not some spear carrier.

No, but I'm not exactly
running the show, either.

Well, Dad, I think you should
go in there and talk to them...

and if they don't want to do it
your way, then just quit.

You think
it's that simple, huh?

Yeah.
Throw a little weight around.

Trust me. It feels good.

Alan?

Let me ask you something.

Do you think of me
as a spear carrier?

You know, the trick to raising
a -year-old is ignore him.

Can I ignore
the people at work?

I mean,
do they see me as good old...

"Do What He's Told"
Alan Matthews?

Alan won't complain.
Alan's a company guy.

There he is, aisle four,
with his spear.

Gee, I thought the spears
were on aisle five.

I moved them next
to the slings and the arrows.

No, but really, I really think
I've got to do something here.

Well, I think we both know
what you're going to do.

No, you don't know
what I'm going to do.

Oh, you aren't going to talk
to Bob Williams?

OK, you know
what I'm going to do...

but you don't know
what I'm going to say.

And neither do you.
That's the problem.

You don't think I can control
my temper with Bob, do you?

Look...
Alan Matthews, Bob Williams.

Bob, Alan has something
he'd like to say to you.

Bob has less hair.

Talk to the man.

Bob...

Bob.

Bob, I've got people
who are working very hard...

and being squeezed very tight
by this rollback...

and my store is outperforming
all the other Market Giants...

in the greater
Philadelphia area...

and I feel that this rollback
is neither warranted nor fair.

Calm, succinct, rational.

Gee, I'm just not
attracted to you anymore.

Good night, sweetie.

Good night, Bob.

Good night, good-looking.

Now that I've got you alone...

Bob...

let me show you what I've always
wanted to do with your head.

Now, my wife
would call that cranky.

Hail, Corius.

Where's your spear?

I've got guys to carry my spear.

- Since when?
- Since you left the play...

and Feeny
shifted all the roles around.

I got bumped up to Polonius.

You look more like a Balonius.

Yeah, he's kind of a fat guy...

and there's a lot of lines
to memorize...

but you know
what's really cool about him?

- What?
- Act lll, scene four.

Huh-aah! Uhh!

[GROANING]

Huh-uhh!

Huhh!

Huh!

What do you think?

You die pretty realistically.

Yeah. Feeny says it's
his favorite part of the play.

Yeah, so you're really
getting into it.

How's Minkus doing in my part?

Good. Good.

Really stinking bad.

He's k*lling us, Cory.
You got to come back.

Hey, if Feeny backs down on
the ballerina outfit, I'm there.

He's not going to back down...

and Minkus
is stinking up my play.

Well, I'm not
crawling back to Feeny.

Cory, I'm asking you a favor.

Shawn, yesterday...

you worshipped me as a god
for quitting.

If the play's so bad,
then why don't you quit?

I can't. Too many people
are depending on me.

Who's depending on you?

My dad.
He's coming to see the play.

Your dad's taking time off work
to watch you die?

Apparently this is something
everybody wants to see.

You know what I want to see?

You and me sh**ting hoops
in the gym right now.

I can't, Cory. I got rehearsal.

Hey, guys. Wait up.

They disobey me like that again,
I'm going to sit on them.

What is he...

whose grief
bears such an emphasis?

Stop, Mr. Minkus.

I answer only to Hamlet.

Stop, Mr. Hamlet.

You're supposed to be
facing the audience.

Aren't I?

Hamlet, where are your glasses?

Mr. Feeny, they didn't have
eyeglasses in the Middle Ages.

Put on your glasses
and climb into ophelia's grave.

You know, I read an article...

that Elizabethan English is
a lot like American Southern...

so let me show you
a little something...

I've been playing around With.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Shazam!

Show me what thou't do.

Woo't weep? Woo't fight?

Woo't tear thyself?

Oh, great.
Ernest goes to Denmark.

Stuart, I can't breathe.

- Stick to the script.
- Your foot is on my liver.

I can't Work like this.

All right, all right,
I've had enough of rehearsal.

I want you all to go home.

Hey, looks like
we can sh**t hoops after all.

Yeah, let me just go park
my gut in the wardrobe room.

So, how's the play going?

Well, as you can see,
very poorly.

You know,
when I quit this thing...

I didn't think that
everyone would be so affected.

Neither did I.

OK, Mr. Feeny, I'm still not
big on the pantyhose idea...

but if that's what it takes,
you got your Hamlet back.

Mr. Matthews, come here.

I already have my Hamlet.

He may bump into the scenery,
he may talk like a hayseed...

For all I know, tomorrow
he may show up in kabuki makeup.

Nevertheless, he is my Hamlet.

I do, however, have an opening
for a spear carrier.

Spear carrier?

There's
an old theater expression...

there are no small parts,
only small actors.

You know, Mr. Feeny...

maybe I wouldn't have
bailed on this play...

if you picked something
a little cooler.

I mean, couldn't we do selected
scenes from The Terminator?

Or how about
a Steven Seagal soliloquy?

You know, Mr. Matthews,
you are absolutely right.

Shakespeare is dry, tedious...

and there's no way for a person
your age to be affected by it.

I am thy father's spirit...

doomed for a certain term...

to waLk the night...

and for the day confined...

to fast in fires...

till the foul crimes done
in my days of nature...

are b*rned and purged away.

But that I am forbid
to tell the secrets...

of my prison house...

I could a tale unfold...

whose lightest word
would harrow up thy soul...

freeze thy young bLood...

but this eternal blazon...

must not be to ears
of flesh and blood.

List!

List!

Oh. List.

If thou didst ever...

thy dear father love...

oh, God.

Revenge his foul
and most unnatural m*rder.

m*rder?

Of course, I'm no Steven Seagal.

Dad! oh, it's just you.

Mom, you wasted
a perfectly good birth on this?

Dad's supposed to be home
from his meeting by now.

What meeting?

Your dad went down to talk
to the regional manager...

about that salary rollback.

What? Why did he do that?

Mom, he could lose his job.

They could bust him down
to box boy.

I thought you wanted him
to talk to his boss.

Oh, way to go, Cory.

If Dad gets fired, they're
never going to keep me on.

You've destroyed
the whole family.

I got to go down to the store
and stop him.

Dad! You didn't yell
at your boss, did you?

Why would anyone think
I was going to yell?

Hey, I'm the one who found
Bob Williams' head...

splattered
all over the kitchen floor.

- Did you get my % back?
- No, Eric. I didn't.

I'm going to cancel
% of my dates.

Yeah, but, you know,
I had a very good talk...

with Bob Williams, and Bob
is very clear on my point...

I'm talking to nobody.

So, how did it go?

It was not the easiest meeting
I've ever had.

Dad, you didn't quit, did you?

No, I didn't.
I was tempted, but I didn't.

I guess you couldn't, huh?
I mean, with me and Mom...

and the rest of the family
counting on you.

No. I didn't want
to let you guys down.

Wish I'd figured that out
a couple days ago.

I did let all my guys down.

You mean
when you quit your play?

Yeah. You know,
being the lead in the play...

is a lot like being the dad.

Excuse me?

OK, so it's not, but still
if you make a selfish mistake...

the people who count on you
get hurt.

Well, maybe Mr. Feeny
would let you back in the play.

Well, he did offer me
a smaller part.

The bad news is I'd still
have to Wear the pantyhose.

But nobody laughs at a guy
carrying a big spear.

Oh, good! Daddy's here!
We can start!

- Not yet, Morgan.
- Start what?

Oh, you know women. They're
always starting something.

Dad,
I'm sorry I got on your case...

about you not being able
to take us to the Jersey shore.

You know, between us, I've
never even liked Goofy Golf.

Oh, well,
you could've fooled me.

You always looked like
you were having a lot of fun.

No, no. If I never see
another Goofy Golf ball again...

it's fine With me.

Oh, well,
you'll be really disappointed...

when you see
what's in the backyard.

What?

Whoa!

Goofy Golf!

Did I mention
how much I love Goofy Golf?

Well, it's not exactly
the Jersey shore.

No, it's better. We don't have
to drive three hours...

with Morgan getting carsick
and Mom singing show tunes.

Sometimes I think that's why
Morgan gets carsick.

Well, come on, let's play.

Listen, listen, listen, if you
want to make a hole in one...

in the Market Giant here,
aim for the right armpit.

No, that'll bank
into Feeny's backyard.

Not if somebody designed...

an imperceptible
little groove...

that guides the ball
into the cup.

Dad!

Let's just keep this
between us winners.

- Three!
- Uh, fore.

Whatever.

Are you ready to pound
these weenies into the ground...

for the seventh straight year?

No mercy.

Unless you guys
want to give up now.

Do you want to quit?

Oh, that's never been my style.
How about you?

I quit quitting.

Hey, my partner and I
are not quitters.

Cheaters, yes. Quitters, no.

Oh, that this too, too solid
flesh would melt...

thaw and resolve itself
into a dew.

This... bites.

If I was any more bored,
I'd be dead.

What are you talking about?
Without us, there'd be no play.

We're the few, the proud,
the spear carriers.

Give me a break.
No one even knows we're here.

Might as well be that wall
over there.

Have some pride, man.

Live your part.
Make it your own.

OK.

[POP]

Oh, I thinks... ooh!

Ah! Shakespeare
as it was meant to be.

Grrr