01x01 - Chapter 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Perry Mason". Aired: June 2020 to present.*
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Legal drama based on novels and short stories penned by Erle Stanley Gardner..
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01x01 - Chapter 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Now, you two have done good so far.

So, keep calm, keep breathing right.

It's almost over.

What are they saying now?

Shut up.

You shouldn't talk to your wife that way.

She's been through a lot.

Listen here!

No, you listen.

You listen and do exactly what the f*ck I tell you to do or this ends real bad.

Do you see that desk behind you?

Put your fancy f*cking suitcase on that desk.

Not until I see my son.

All right.

They're loading up a car up above, your kid's in that car.

Put the case on the desk and open it up.

O...

O...

O...

Okay.

Hold...

Hold on.

I'm here.

We're gonna give you a look.

You see the kid, you run down the street.

Get the kid off the car, don't look back, and never say a word about it.

He's on the car.

Charlie's on the car.

Do we understand each other?

- Yes, yes.

- Please.

Please don't hurt him.

Here it comes.

Charlie.

Let's go, let's go!

- Excuse me.

- Move, move.

Excuse me.

Oh, Charlie boy.

Charlie boy.

Jesus.

Oh, you're such a brave boy.

You're not crying.

Matthew.

Matthew.

Yes.

What's wrong?

What's wrong with him?

What's wrong with him?

Charlie!

Jesus Christ!

Help!

Help!

Jesus!

Help!

Help!

Okay, Mason, here's one for you.

Are you being cheated out of life's thrills?

Probably.

Love, romance, excitement?

Never heard of them.

Mayhaps you should read Lipstick Girl by Edna Robb Webster.

Never heard of her.

Hey, what do you know?

It begins today.

Forty cents for two coffees and toast?

How many gallons do you throw in the truck?

- Uh, six.

- Six gallons?

Three days of meals, another two days of gas.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

Chapter one.

The Pappe & Son Department Store, the largest mercantile establishment in Mitchelfield - was arousing itself noise...

- S.S. Chubby's setting sail.

- Hey.

Come on.

- Say goodbye to Edna.

Get out in front of him; I'll follow from behind.

- Lot of behind to follow.

- Go.

You're kidding me.

We get to go to the movies.

Hey!

Cut it out now.

f*cking horse kicking him in the ass, how do you not find that hilarious?

I grew up on a farm.

Steering's all loose.

- What'd you do it?

- I didn't do anything.

You know, maybe Chubby's keeping it clean 'cause he's seen this milk truck following him around town.

If you don't have a car, don't complain.

Not my fault, Ruthie broke the axle.

- Another complaint.

- Just 'cause the guy has a high-pitched voice, that's no reason to rob a guy of his livelihood.

He brought a lot of joy to a lot of people.

Well, he's not bringing me any.

Three days waiting for him to stick his d*ck in something.

Studio signs him to a contract, they should honor it.

Who cares what he does with his pants off?

Walt LeBaron cares, that's who.

He's the one who's paying you.

Morals clause, shmorals clause.

Whole town needs a sh*t in the d*ck.

Hey, heading right.

Hey.

Hi, Chubby.

Well, hello, Red.

Oh, wow.

Here we go.

Hey, how about I have a look?

You stay in the truck?

Sure.

You know, that's your problem.

You get no pleasure out of life.

Shut up.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Pete, start the truck!

Pete, start the car!

Son of a bitch!

I'll get you, you prick!

You sons of b*tches!

I'm going to k*ll you, you cocksuckers.

Oh, yeah!

Chubby, you glorious bastard!

He threw a shoe at me.

I'm your biggest fan!

Evening, Rigoberto.

Can you open the gate?

I can if you say it.

Something about a clown.

Does it have to be in Spanish?

This whole place used to be Spanish.

sh*t.

What are you doing?

Trying to get yourself k*lled?

You want some breakfast?

Here, get up, get up.

Good girl.

Good girl.

Good girl.

Eat your hay.

Stay off the runway.

Come on.

Now, stay.

Not you.

They don't want me around either.

"I'd have said it was over when the talkies came." But clearly, the man still has a lot to offer the world.

How did you get in here?

"The clown carries you." He just... he just gave you the password?

Well, I'm a very persuasive lawyer.

- You forget that sometimes.

- Yup.

I try to forget a lot of things.

At some point, you got to admit this isn't working out.

What do you mean?

Let me speak for the dead and say your parents didn't want this for you.

The farm's still here.

You got pans on their bed.

What do you want, E.B.?

Herman Baggerly called me last night.

I called you, you don't answer.

Who's Herman Baggerly?

Major player, boyo.

Lumber, real estate, one of the fattest bank accounts in the city.

What's he doing with you then?

I've helped him in the past.

Certain business matters which require discretion - and finesse.

- Yeah, 20 bucks - a billable hour.

- Well, man has to eat.

And I'd say we both understand that.

And you need me why, E.B.?

Because some friend of his is in trouble, the police are involved and you're good at your job.

3:00 p.m.

at my office.

I don't know, I got a lot going on today.

The Chubby thing, and I'm due in court.

I'm getting paid to serve as a material witness.

- That Frank Dillon case.

- Deep pockets on Baggerly.

- Opportunity for both of us.

- Yeah?

Is he looking to buy a two-cow dairy in the middle of an airport?

You're really thinking to sell?

I haven't seen you in three months, E.B.

Well, it's been quiet out there, boyo.

I don't deny it.

But this is a live one.

3:00 p.m., wear your good suit.

This is my good suit.

And there's egg on your tie.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, that's him all right.

No question of moral relativity here.

I mean, that's that's food.

- Pumpkin pie, I'm pretty sure.

- I blame his agent.

I mean, I got nothing against the guy myself, you understand but, um I'm not here to judge anyone, Mr.

LeBaron.

- I just wanna get paid.

- Ah, I will have someone cut you a check.

Business affairs, please, Mitch.

What did we say, um, 200?

We did say that.

Of course, that was for pictures of Chubby Carmichael but, uh, these happen to be pictures of, um, Velma Fuller, or should I "Call Her Red"?

Business affairs.

Hello?

Hello...

Okay.

How much did you have in mind?

Five hundred seems fair.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- Fine, make it six, - that's serious...

- You got some f*cking nerve.

Nerve and these nasty, nasty pictures of your up-and-coming starlet.

Okay.

I'm gonna have to walk this up to Mr. Hammersmith.

Be sure to send him my regards.

Mason you've got an egg stain on your tie.

Yeah, turns out it's mustard.

How was your Christmas?

Yeah, it came and went.

My wife's folks came by on the day.

Her mom brought a fruitcake, could have been used by the pharaohs.

Kids cried when I made them eat it.

You got a kid, right?

Yeah, lives with his mom.

Well, you spent Christmas with them, right?

- No.

- Well, how come?

Are you, um, lonely or something, Virgil?

He went out happy.

Well, if happy's drowning in panties and a matching bra, yeah, why not?

He was wearing man clothes on the outside.

What's with that?

Oh, my next patient.

Kidnapping gone way wrong.

Worst thing you ever seen.

What do you know what I've seen?

How's this?

I like it better than the suit.

I got a domestic stabbing with a three piece, if you want.

Mr. Mason, in what capacity were you hired - by the defense?

- I was hired as a private investigator.

And is that, these private investigations, the current means by which you earn a living?

You know it is, Fenton.

Um, pardon me.

Uh, yes, Mr. Bostwick.

Now, am I correct in asserting that you were recently cited for as*ault?

- Mr. Mason.

- I'm sorry.

What?

A complaint for as*ault.

- This is irrelevant, Your Honor.

- I'm sure - that you resent this line...

- No, what I resent is Alvin Rutherford showing up repeatedly and offering me pennies on the dollar for a home my father built with his own hands.

Tragic, Mr. Mason, but as*ault?

I threw a cowpie at him.

That's funny.

However, far less amusing is the dishonorable end to your m*llitary career.

That has nothing to do with this trial.

A blue discharge for conduct unbecoming.

Would you care to elaborate on that, Mr. Mason?

- Was that a mistake?

- Feel free to jump in, Frank.

Objection.

- Question of relevance.

- You're g*dd*mn right.

Sustained.

- Watch the God talk, sir.

- Sorry.

Nothing further, Your Honor.

E.B. send you 'cause he thought I forgot the way to the office?

The meeting's changed.

We're going to Pasadena now.

We are?

Fine, we can take my truck.

We could if the plan was to make the world's worst impression.

Oh, I don't have to plan for that.

That happens naturally.

I'll say, you were just four words from contempt of court.

Go f*ck yourself.

I could have got that in.

Thus demonstrating your masterful knowledge - of legal decorum.

- Frank Dillon is sitting there like a monument to the useless and the judge is concerned with my decorum?

Why didn't he hold him in contempt?

Because I sure as hell did.

Letting him dig into me like that.

A f*cking peanut vendor would have known to object.

So many windmills, so little time.

How are you today, Miss Street?

Peachy.

How are you, Mr. Mason?

I wasn't expecting a congregation.

I rely on Miss Street to keep the facts straight, Herman.

Do you intend to take notes, Miss?

That's generally what I do.

Unless you object.

And you're a detective, Mr. Mason?

It's a fancy word for a busybody, but yes.

We've been working together since, uh... when was it?

Just after the w*r.

Gave him his first job back from France, - isn't that right, Perry?

- You served overseas?

With lots of other farm boys.

Mr. Mason was in the army, survived the Battle of the Argonne.

How can we help you, Mr. Baggerly?

It's not me that needs help, Mr. Mason.

Matthew and Emily Dodson, an unspeakable act was visited upon them, they're quite overwhelmed.

Consider us at their service.

- Friends of yours?

- Members of my church.

Working people without many resources.

Well, God has put you in their path.

Is this a...

Radiant Assembly of God.

- Right.

On the radio.

- Sister Alice.

A woman of wonder-working power.

I won't hesitate to say that she changed my life.

Do the Dodsons know you contacted me, Herman?

They're anxiously awaiting your guidance, Elias.

What about the police?

How's that?

Well, they'll be on this hammer and tongs.

Why not leave it to them?

I'll be frank, Mr. Mason.

I don't trust the Los Angeles Police Department to do the job that's needed.

Neither would I.

So you found this upstairs?

I told you, my wife did.

- I was at work.

- And she called you?

Yeah.

Hysterical.

Why neither one of you call the police?

Read the note.

You can read, can't you?

So your wife finds the note, calls you, what she do next?

How should I know?

Ask her.

We'll get to her in a minute.

You own a grocery store, - much money in that?

- What?

Nice house for a grocer.

It can't be cheap to maintain.

What's that supposed to mean?

How long does it take to get - from the grocery store to here?

- What difference does it make?

- Easy, Matthew...

- How am...

Are you suggesting I had something to do with it?

What the hell?

Just covering all angles, Mr. Dodson.

Where was I?

Who saw me?

I didn't kidnap my son.

- I didn't m*rder my own son.

- No one is saying you did.

Well, he is!

And he's dancing around, but that's what he f*cking thinks.

Maybe this is a good time for a little break.

Sound okay to you, Detective Holcomb?

Yeah.

Why not.

- Get some fresh air.

- It's all right.

You treated me like...

You can't...

- You can't just walk...

- Easy now, Matthew.

Let's have a little drink of cold water, shall we?

Water.

Right, great idea.

That'll fix everything.

It's all part of the process.

Are you the man that works with Mr. Jonathan?

Yes, ma'am.

Perry.

I'm Emily Dodson.

Charlie's mother.

Offer you a cigarette, Mrs. Dodson?

If you promise not to tell my husband.

Wouldn't dream of it.

Thank you.

You were in the w*r, weren't you?

The way you hold your cigarette.

Hiding the ember in your palm.

I guess I'm still trained not to give them something to sh**t at.

Was your husband over there?

Brother.

I haven't seen him since we left Missouri.

I really wish they'd let me clean in here.

All this fingerprint dust...

Can't help feeling that it reflects poorly on me somehow.

Oh, I don't...

I don't think poorly of you.

God does.

That's why I'm being punished.

Do you have children, Mr. Perry?

It's...

It's Mason. Perry is my first name.

I have a son.

What's his name?

Theodore.

Teddy.

How old?

Nine in February.

Charlie likes turtles.

Liked.

What's your boy fond of?

Firetrucks.

I bet nine is a good age for a boy.

So.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, fine, he's a hothead, but he's a little too touchy if you ask me.

And her?

She was just sitting downstairs the whole time?

She told the detectives she gave the boy a bath, put him to bed, fell asleep by the fire listening to the radio.

Actually, she puts Charlie to bed, goes downstairs to clean up the kitchen, goes back upstairs to check on him then goes downstairs and falls asleep listening to the radio.

She doesn't twitch an eyelid while someone creeps into her house and nabs her kid?

- You think she's a drinker?

- No.

She's a mother.

Feeding, changing, burping, screaming, you wouldn't last a minute.

Is this something you know about?

Call it an educated guess.

All right.

You're the kidnapper, you have to case that house long enough to know.

Matthew's hours at the grocery store, the time Emily gives Charlie the bath, then puts him down, then falls asleep herself, unless you have someone on the inside.

Oh, so you agree with the police.

You think the Dodsons had something to do with it.

- I'm not agreeing with anyone.

- I sure hope not.

I've stood with those two.

That's grief, not guilt.

I'm just pointing out that someone knew they were good for a hundred grand.

How do you figure that from a guy who sells pickled cucumbers and aftershave?

It's q*eer from both sides.

And the baby.

Someone stood over Charlie and stitched those eyes.

Yeah, it's a dark tone, long, long, deep, dark tone.

Wipe it off, gentles.

We do what we're asked to do.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

Detectives aren't gonna like me over their shoulder on this.

And I got a license that could get pulled.

So you don't want the job?

Did I say that?

Bring me a signature and a check.


Cheer up.

Someone might throw a shoe at you.

And you, get your hands off my liquor and yourself down to the Angel's Flight in the morning.

Be my eyes, son.

Time and a half.

- It's New Year's Eve.

- Earn it.

Very good, papi.

I think she's jealous of me.

Did you bring some more of that tequila?

It's called mescal.

And if you want some, you better get it yourself.

I ain't your f*cking help.

Either take them off or put them back on, papi.

Make up your mind.

What are you in a rush for?

- I need sleep.

- Sleep here.

I sleep in my own bed.

I'll give you 6,000 for this dump.

Six thousand and she won't even sleep here.

It's a fair price.

It's a price.

It's a great f*cking price.

You don't even have citrus.

You know I'm working this one.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

It's a big case.

You don't usually do the bigs.

I'm doing this one.

Six thousand five hundred.

Enjoy your bed.

I will.

And right there, in that very window, sat the boy's parents.

Watching, hoping, tragically unaware that their tiny innocent was already ascending to heaven in the clutches of this demon.

This instrument of death.

Thank you, ma'am.

Happy New Year, sir.

Looking for something?

Close the blinds, Steve.

Maybe I couldn't see him so good and sh*t him by accident.

Look, fellas, if I...

interrupted some sort of tender moment, I sincerely apologize.

Guy's a laugh riot.

Take it easy with that thing.

What the hell are you doing here, Mason?

You gotta know something stinks around Dodson or else you wouldn't be here.

Get paid to look into things.

That's what I'm doing.

Hell with this.

We got him on a B&E.

Let's run him in, torch his license.

- Get the f*ck off me!

- Settle down!

Ease up, goddammit.

You got something says Dodson's clean, you'll be doing him a favor by letting us know.

Tiny innocent was already ascending to heaven.

Right after the Dodsons found little Charlie dead, a green Phaeton goes tearing up Hill Street, clipped the trolley.

You think that's our kidnapper?

Where did you get this Phaeton sh*t?

Traffic cop working the bottom of the flight.

He didn't think anything of it at the time because most cops are stupid.

Go check it out.

Your ape almost broke my camera.

My ape would've broke your jaw.

- Here.

- What's that?

For the car thing.

Save it for a better sketch artist.

Man in hat?

That sure narrows it down.

What about the guy on the phone or the one in the car?

Halfway to Rio is my guess.

Is that why you like Dodson for it?

Got to arrest somebody.

So you tie him up in a bow and put yourself up for promotion.

- That's tidy.

- Listen to you, pissing on my five bucks because some sap thinks you can play cop?

I already got the entire city standing on my neck.

So you enjoy the view while you're up here with the real police because I'm gonna nail Dodson.

And when I do, you're back on the bottom, feeding off runaways and cheaters.

Lock up when you leave.

Tragically unaware their tiny innocent was already ascending to heaven.

Mason here, any messages?

Mr. Strickland called, read me three paragraphs of something called Lipstick Girl, I did not write them down.

Anything else?

Just Walt LeBaron.

Hammersmith Pictures requests the honor of your presence at his New Year's party.

Two tickets for you at the door, business to discuss.

All right.

Thanks, Irma.

Diane, goddammit.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

We got five minutes and you owe me four bucks.

You said two.

Two for him, two for me.

That's four.

Happy New Year.

What the f*ck am I doing here?

You're getting paid.

Looks like Groucho Marx.

Lovely ladies, kind gentlemen, welcome.

1931 was gangbusters for Hammersmith Pictures.

1932 is gonna be even better because the brightest stars in the sky live right here, - Mr. Dusty Rogers...

- Oh, sh*t.

Hero of the prairies.

Shorter than I thought.

They must use really small horses in the movies.

Ladies, how do you like the continental...

Hey...

What are you gonna do with your 300?

I'm gonna get a new pair of shoes.

Maybe somewhat...

Are you listening to me?

Mm-hmm.

I say something, then you say something, that's how conversation works, Perry.

He's scaring the Jesus out of me right now.

Mr. Petre Lupu.

I don't think you're getting into the spirit of the thing.

I saw the kid, Pete.

The thread.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

If you should be happening to be living - next to Miss America.

- Yeah.

I call her the sweetest piece of strudel I've ever seen.

I'll be back.

But you're gonna call her Red, Miss Velma Fuller.

Oh, just a little, right there.

Oh, I'm sorry, Clara, I can't help myself.

Anyway, listen.

Happy New Year...

No champagne tonight?

Just the cash, Walt.

Can we do it this year?

Go see a Hammersmith Picture.

Thank you all.

Okay, Mason.

Okay.

Let's get you paid.

You know what we have here?

Plenty of nothing?

Ten thousand square foot of it.

Why?

Because I'm waiting on a ten-million-dollar line of credit from the Irving Trust.

I liked it better when we were bandits on the land from the picture patents company.

Let's see what you got.

With people starving on breadlines.

The negatives?

They're somewhere safe.

Oh, okay.

Nice lighter.

Here's the thing we said 200.

Six hundred is fair, because I can get that from the teller, easy.

Let me tell you how I see it.

People are desperate out there, Mason.

They're starving, scared, hopeless.

And for one little nickel, what do we give them?

The two hours in the dark, singing, dancing, laughter, tears, romance hope.

And here you come on New Year's Eve and what you wanna do is take these poor suffering people's hope away - for 400 measly bucks?

- I can be flexible on the price.

It's not about the price.

It's the principle.

So 200 like we agreed minus 199 for all the bullshit.

You need to think about your actions.

You need to decide what kind of person you wanna be.

And the negatives when you have a chance.

f*ck!

You get it?

Did you get the 600?

- There.

- The f*ck is this, a dollar?

- I think I overplayed it.

- Oh, no, Christ.

- No, no, no.

- I'm sorry, Pete.

I got a family to feed.

And f*ck you!

Relax, he'll be here.

He got a hot date maybe?

Uh-oh.

Touched a nerve.

I'm starting to think he doesn't like us.

Why are you still wearing that hat?

Your picture's on every front page in town.

It's a fedora.

One and half million in Los Angeles.

It looks good on me.

None of this was part of the plan.

So jump off a pier and swim to Tahiti.

I'll take your share.

My share of what?

A noose?

No one's getting strung out.

I should've run.

The second I saw Charlie done like that.

His eyes, Jesus.

I should've run.

We all should have.

But we didn't, did we, k*ller?

Evening, gentlemen.

Sorry I'm late.

Bunch of drunk Sambos blocking up the road singing and dancing.

Spooks were so f*cking happy, I didn't have the heart to cr*ck any skulls.

Let's get this over with.

No Auld Lang Syne?

Okay.

What the f*ck?

They made the car.

f*ck!

f*ck!

Mailman said it's a stamp short, wants me to pay for it.

I said I'd love to pay for it except my bum of an ex hasn't sent me money a month.

Yeah, it's been tight, you know?

I haven't...

I don't know why the f*ck I am arguing with you about this, just put him on the phone.

He's already in bed.

Well, then, wake him up!

I'm his...

I'm his father.

I get to talk to my son on New Year's Eve.

That was already last year.

It's New Year's Day.

Put him on the f*cking phone, Linda.

How long have you been standing there?

Long enough to see you make a jackass of yourself.

She hung up on me.

You never call the ex on New Year's Eve, papi.

Hello, operator?

Could I get, um, a long distance call?

City of Salinas, Axminster 7-7181.

What the hell happened to you?

All right.

Well, I was just on that line, it is...

it is the number of a heartless woman, but there is nothing wrong with her ears, so keep it ringing.

You know, my second husband tracked me down to Caracas, I had to pull my little .22 on him.

They only sh*t the pendejo in...

Just a little longer, please?

Do you...

Do you have kids, operator?

You have a heart?

No heart.

Listen.

I'm flying straight to Oaxaca.

Knocking back some mescal, chewing on chapulines by sunset next to someone dumb and good-looking next to me, so.

I thought of you.

Love, romance, excitement?

Hmm.

All of...

All of life's big thrills.

Maybe you can get cleaned up first.

Everybody's up to something.

Everybody's got an angle, hiding something.

And everybody is guilty.

They don't make these things so good.

Poor papi.

There is a black angel out there.

A big, big, black angel with long fingers.

Oh, f*ck.

So you like turtles?

The deck was stacked from the start.

Three guys, three stiffs.

According to the cops, - that's it.

- That seem likely to you?

Charlie Dodson, may this temple crumble if we fail you.

No one wants this case.

This one's really got its hooks in me.

Someone under our roof, capable of such acts of evil, - it has shaken our church.

- It's shaken all of us.

The district attorney is eyeballing the mayor's seat.

We're gonna run him over like a streetcar.

The perpetrators will be quickly put down.

Justice for Charlie Dodson!

Mr. Mason's evidence is coming up short.

You're pulling this out of your ass, boy-o.

Oh, that I agree with.

The cops barely investigated the case.

- I'm the lawyer here!

- Then act like one, goddammit!

This case is getting to you.

You're a detective, did I hear wrong, Mr. Mason?

You guys are breaking so many laws right now.

- This is over!

- I'm not done yet!

The hell are you doing here?

Just looking for justice.
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