02x18 - A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow

[bunniefuu]

Mm-hmm. I'll tell him.

Sheldon, you need to go
to the principal's office.

STUDENTS: Ooh...

You do that every time.

Why?

Uh-huh. Okay. I'll be right there.

What's up?

Principal wants to talk to me.

Ooh...

Grow up.

Hello!

Oh.

What are you doing here?

I got called to the principal's office.

So did I.

[GRUNTS]

What, you do something wrong?

Not that I'm aware of.

Did you?

I hope not.

Maybe it's good news.

[SCOFFS] Sheldon, you ever been
called to the principal's office

for good news?

- Never.
- Mm.

Gentlemen, good news.

I had a feeling. What's up?

We got the PSAT results
back, and Sheldon

got a perfect score.

- Neat.
- Thanks, Tom.

I'll be sure to put
that up on the fridge.

No, you don't understand.

Sheldon's the only kid in
the school to ever do this.

At his age, maybe in the whole country.

It was fun. I enjoyed it.

So what's this mean?

It means he pitched a
perfect game, George.

I've already gotten calls from
colleges who want to meet him.

For, like, scholarships and stuff?

For everything!

They might even pay you to get him.

[LAUGHS] My man!

When was the last time
you washed your hands?

Come on!

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

GEORGE SR.: Can you believe it?

Perfect score.

[CHUCKLES] Good job, moon pie.

And not just that.

Colleges are already sniffing
around to recruit him.

What do you mean, colleges? He's ten.

Principal Petersen said
Caltech is interested.

Where's Caltech?

California, Mom.

California?!

It has "Cal" right there in the name.

You're not a part of this conversation.

The "tech" is for "technology."

Shelly, go to your room.
The adults need to talk.

Given the events of the day,
I would argue I am an adult

and should be treated as one.

I probably could've
said that differently.

You honestly think that
little boy's ready for college?

Hey, I didn't think he
was ready for high school,

but here we are, a year and a half in,

- and no one got hurt.
- That is different.

He's got you and Georgie over there,

and he's still living at home
with his mother and his sister.

- And me.
- Sure.

I understand all that.

Then why are you
pushing so hard for this?

Because these schools
are interested now.

It's like football recruitment.

You got to strike while the iron's hot.

This is nothing like football.

Oh, yeah? What if he stops being smart

and they don't want him anymore?

How is that gonna happen?

I don't know. Conks his head?

Will you help me, please?

Sorry, I'm not a part
of this conversation.

At least Dad's on my side.

Doesn't matter. Mom's gonna win.

She always does.

But I have to leave for
college at some point.

If you went to college,
you know what would happen?

I'd enjoy higher learning?

You would die.

You would curl up on the floor and die.

That's not true.

You can't even take care
of your own boo-boos.

For your information,
every college is staffed

with a medical professional.

My boo-boos will be well-tended to.

MARY: Sheldon! Come back in here!

I guess we'll find out what happened.

I already know what happened. Mom won.

Well?

Shelly, I am very proud of you
for doing so well on that test.

But you can't go off to college.

- Mom!
- In a few years, sure.

But, right now, you can just keep taking

your one college class with Dr. Sturgis.

Why can't I go there full-time?

Oh, baby, it's an hour away.

We can't drive you back
and forth every day.

I'm the one who's been driving him.

And she loves it.

How can he be so smart

and so clueless at the same time?

Dr. Sturgis lives at the school.
What if he acted as my guardian?

That's an idea.

A crazy one.

But it would only be on school nights.

- Shelly.
- What's the point of being intelligent

if I can't take advantage
of opportunities like this?

They're still discussing.

Mom didn't win?

It's touch and go.

Crazy.

[SIGHS] Is staying with
John really that crazy?

[CHUCKLES]: Yes. He doesn't
know squat about kids.

Why are you even considering this?

Well, the Lord gave
Shelly these abilities,

and I don't want to be
the one holding him back.

Okay. I'll ask him.

But I'm pretty sure I know
what answer you're gonna get.

Sure! What the heck?

Do you really think you could handle

living with a ten-year-old?

Oh, he's only biologically ten.

In every other way, he's as old as I am.

John, I don't think you realize

the responsibility involved here.

Well, why don't we have a trial run?

Have him spend a couple days
with me and see how it goes.

A trial run, huh?

Like the space program.

You don't send people up

right away; you start by

spinning them around in that
thing that makes them throw up.

I don't know.

Connie, despite appearances,

I'm not some stereotypical
absentminded professor

who can't take care of a houseplant.

No, no, I wasn't saying that.

Yeah, maybe I was.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you and
Sheldon come live with me?

And then you can take
care of both of us.

Trial run sounds like the way to go.

Not ready to shack up, are you?

- No.
- Darn it.

The Earth is about
. billion years old.

- In the Cosmic Calendar, it's...
- Shelly,

we need to talk to you.

All right.

[TV SHUTS OFF]

Meemaw spoke to Dr. Sturgis...

And?

And...

he was open to you staying.

Yes! When can I go?

Now, hold on. Before you
get ahead of yourself,

this is just a trial run, for one night.

And even if it goes well,

you're not starting college tomorrow.

It's just to see if this
is an option for the future.

GEORGE SR.: You understand?

Yes.

[GUITAR VERSION OF TETRIS THEME PLAYING]

ADULT SHELDON: The prospect of advancing

to the next stage of academia
had me feeling giddy.

And, on top of that, I
got to pack a suitcase,

which is like playing
Tetris but with underwear.

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

You know, Shelly, it's okay
if you're a little nervous.

You can tell me.

I'm not nervous.

All right.

When I was your age, a lot of times,

I'd have to spend the
weekend with my grandparents,

and that always frightened me,

'cause they'd leave their
teeth all over the place.

I never told anybody, but I wish I had.

That does sound upsetting.
Good thing I'm braver than you.

I'm just saying, it can be tough

sleeping in a new
place without your mom.

Dr. Sturgis will be
there. He's like a mom.

But he's really smart.

Welcome!

Come in, come in!

You like chalkboards, huh?

- Indeed, I do.
- Huh.

In fact, I even have
one in the bathroom.

You never know when
inspiration will strike.

I may be the luckiest boy in East Texas.

I know it's Thursday,

so dinner will be
spaghetti and hot dogs.

And, for fun,

I have a few episodes
of Cosmos recorded.

Forget "maybe." I am the luckiest boy.

Remember, it's a school
night, so his bedtime is : .

[GASPS] Mine, too!

["SO FAR AWAY" BY CAROLE
KING PLAYING OVER RADIO]

♪ So far away ♪

♪ Doesn't anybody stay
in one place anymore? ♪

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Shut up, Carole King.

♪ ♪

Watching Cosmos while we're eating dinner?

Am I awake? Because
this feels like a dream.

Oh, not for me. In my dreams,

I'm usually running for my life
from a giant praying mantis.

That's the insect

where the female eats
the male after mating?

It is.

I think I understand
why you're not married.

This little piggy's looking good.

Hey, baby.

- Hey.
- Need any help?

No.

Do you want to do mine next?

Why?

Well, just seems like a thing
mothers and daughters might do.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

Never mind.

Georgie, what you up to?

CARL SAGAN: All my life,

I've wondered about
life beyond the Earth.

On those countless other planets
that we think circle other suns,

is there also life?

Might the beings of
other worlds resemble us,

or would they be
astonishingly different?

Do you believe there's

intelligent life in the universe?

I have no doubt.

Why is that?

The Drake Equation claims
that there are at least

detectable civilizations
in our Milky Way galaxy alone.

Interesting.

My sister likes to
say that I'm an alien.

I've often been called that.

Once by the praying mantis in my dream.

Maybe we are aliens.

Perhaps.

Or maybe people like you and me

were the original inhabitants of Earth,

and everyone else is from outer space.

Ooh, I like that better.

SAGAN: In the great dark between
the stars, there also are...

After dinner, want to toast marshmallows

on a Bunsen burner?

Good gosh, yes.

Good morning, everybody. Good morning.

Angela, look, you know,

I wanted to jot down some
household hints, you know...

Want to go out and get some ice cream?

I'm watching this.

Well, when it's over.

Not really.

Okay.

Want to play Monopoly?
I'll let you be the thimble.

And then he said, "Boy, what a mess.

How about cleaning this up, huh?"

Well, pooh to you.

[LAUGHTER OVER TV]

Oh, yeah.

What about the little dog?

Nope.

Finally, we strike the flint

while turning up the
gas of the Bunsen burner.

I don't say this often,
but that may have been

the perfect safety lecture.

Thank you.

You're my guest. After you.

This is like being around a campfire,

only I'm not miserable.

Would you like me to sing a cowboy song

while we sit around
our makeshift campfire?

I would like that.

♪ Oh, pity the cowboy ♪

♪ All bloody and red ♪

♪ For the bronco fell on him ♪

♪ And bashed in his head ♪

♪ There was blood on the saddle ♪

♪ And blood all around ♪

♪ And a great big puddle of blood ♪

♪ On the ground. ♪

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE OVER TV]

CONTESTANT: "N."

PAT SAJAK: And there are two "N" s.

CONTESTANT: All right.

You want to go bowl a few frames?

Don't you see me watching the Wheel?

You can just say "no."

No.

Have you talked to John tonight?

- Yeah.
- And?

He and Sheldon were watching TV
without anybody yakking at 'em.

I'm going home.

Thanks for stopping by.

Buy a vowel. Buy a vowel.

If you like being tucked
in, I'm prepared to do it.

I practiced on a watermelon.

That's okay. I'm a self-tucker.

Very well. Now, I'll be
in my room if you need me.

Here's a glass of water

if you get thirsty.

And there's fresh
chalk on the blackboard

in case of any late-night epiphanies.

Excellent.

Oh, and, uh... if your meemaw asks

how I did tonight,

I hope you'll give me a positive review.

Three stars.

- Out of three?
- Yes.

Wonderful!

Hi.

- What do you want?
- I baked you a pie.

Why?

Well, I was thinking we haven't had

the best history as neighbors.

That's 'cause we don't like each other.

Right, so I thought we could sit
down over a slice of rhubarb pie

and, you know, forgive and forget.

I haven't done anything
that needs forgiving.

Okay, well, that sounds like something

we could sit down and
talk about over the pie.

BILLY [IN DISTANCE]:
Mom, I'm bleeding again!

You know what, Mary? I appreciate it,

but this isn't a great time.

Bobbi stabbed Billy
in the leg with a fork.

Good Lord. Is he okay?

It was a plastic fork, but
it broke the skin pretty good.

Oh, okay, I-I understand.

How about I take that pie
and give you a rain check?

Um, sure...

BILLY: I think there's
mustard in the fork holes!

Got to go.

You can keep the pan!

[ECHOING]: Sheldon.

Why are you running?

I just want to kiss you.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Dr. Sturgis?

Oh, Sheldon.

So nice to see you.

I think you tripped and hit your head.

I'm a bit woozy.

I better test for concussion.

What's your name?

John Burgess Sturgis.

- Burgess Sturgis? Great name.
- Thank you.

Who's the president
of the United States?

George Herbert Walker Bush.

I like Burgess Sturgis better.

'Cause it rhymes, sure.

Last question. What is the only fermion

that may not have an antiparticle?

The neutrino, of course.

I'm gonna rule out concussion.

To be fair, it was an easy question.

True. Wait here. I'm going to
go get some ice for your head

and I'll fix you a hot beverage.

Oh. There's a, there's an
Earl Grey tea bag in the sink.

I think it still has some oomph in it.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV]

Hey, what you doing?

Pretty much what it looks like.

Would you like some company?

Sure, I guess.

Of course, if you'd rather watch
TV, I could leave you alone.

Oh, no, no. No, it's a rerun.

But even if it weren't...

Ooh.

[CRYING]

Hey, what... what's wrong?

Nothing. Keep going. [LAUGHS]

[CRYING]

Mary?

George, I just miss
my little boy so much,

and he's never gonna come back
'cause he doesn't need his mama.

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, baby, of
course he'll come back.

No, you should've seen how happy he was.

All right, well, still
got Georgie and Missy.

[CRYING LOUDLY]

Uh, oh, dear.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

[TEAKETTLE WHISTLING]

Dr. Sturgis, your tea is on fire!

[SIREN WAILING, FIRE TRUCK HORN HONKS]

Boy, it's a good thing
we did this trial run.

No kidding. Ooh, it's chilly out.

Night.

I changed my mind.

I don't want to leave here ever.

You never have to.

What were you thinking,
letting me take care of a child?

I won't make that mistake again.

Do I look like Mary Poppins?

As smart as I am,

I tried to put out a fire
with oxygen and paper.

It's okay. No one got hurt.

I may actually have had a concussion.

What are your symptoms?

It feels like there's hair on my head.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Hey. He okay?

Yeah, he's fine.

- How you doing?
- Much better.

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know, I just been
sitting here thinking

how I drove an hour both ways
to bring the two of them back.

Pretty damn decent of me.

- Come here.
- [CHUCKLES]