02x21 - A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster

[bunniefuu]

ADULT SHELDON: A few times a
year, there was a dedicated day

where my school was closed.

This allowed the teachers to catch up

on their administrative duties.

While I was normally against
a break from learning,

I did applaud the Medford
faculty's commitment

- to our education.
- Oh, man.

- How great is this place without kids in it?
- [LAUGHS]: I heard that.

ADULT SHELDON: On one of
those days, I got to spend time

with my mom at her job.

SHELDON: Did you write that?

- You betcha.
- Instead of puns,

have you considered composing
a humorous palindrome?

It's a phrase that reads the
same backwards as forwards.

For example, "Do geese see God?"

Trust me. Both ways.

Come inside.

SHELDON: Some other good
ones are radar, level, kayak.

That's a funny word. Kayak.

Never get me in one.

So what's the plan?

How will I be entertained all day?

I thought you could be my little helper.

I prefer executive assistant.
Carries more weight.

Fine. You stay here, I'm
gonna go talk to Pastor Jeff.

Mom.

What?

"Mom" is also a palindrome. M-O-M.

Good morning, Peg.

Any morning you wake up
is a good morning. [COUGHS]

Okay.

[WHEEZING]

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Come in.

Good morn... oh, it's dark in here.

Uh-huh.

Everything okay?

Mm-hmm.

I need you to use your words.

My marriage is over.

Mm-hmm...

♪ Vaya con Dios ♪

♪ My darling... ♪

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

We don't even sleep in
the same bed anymore.

In the ' s, people had separate beds.

Lucy and Ricky did it.
Their marriage worked.

I-I'm sure it's just a rough patch.

Boy, I hope so.

Well, if there's any way I
can make your life easier,

you let me know.

Thank you, Mary. I really appreciate it.

Oh, I almost forgot, um,
Sheldon's here with me today.

Great.

Hey, little man. How you doing?

You smell like cigarettes.

You're fun.

Do you know what this binder is?

It's a record of donations
people make to the church.

This data could easily be transferred

into a computerized spreadsheet.

Why isn't it?

No idea.

You also smell like
mothballs and Ben-Gay.

Bye.

I hope you don't mind, I
invited Pastor Jeff for dinner.

That's fine.

I was talking to your father.

What's the occasion?

No occasion, just thought it'd be nice.

His wife coming, too?

No. Just him.

They having problems?

He's just coming to dinner. That's all.

You two having problems?

Are we?

No.

Pastor Jeff's wife

is so much prettier than him.

It's like Barbie married a turtle.

Hey. Here's a fun idea:

how about you and Sheldon have dinner

- at Meemaw's tonight?
- All right.

[QUIETLY]: They are a weird-looking couple.

You want to eat at my mom's, too?

Oh, come on. You got eyes.

Pastor, would you like
to lead us in grace?

I'd be honored.

Heavenly Father, thank
you for this food.

I pray that it nourishes
and strengthens us,

and bless Mary for preparing it.

[CRYING]: And thank you for the Coopers

who have invited me
into their loving home.

They are a shining example

of what a marriage can be.

One that I hope to have again someday.

- Amen.
- And please give me the strength...

[WHISPERS]: Sorry.

The strength to walk this road

with unconditional love
and joy in my heart.

Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

[SNIFFLES]

Well, let's eat!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Dang, this place is nice.

That's because it was
supposed to be a date.

Cool. My first date.

Meemaw, I've been going
through the church records,

and I noticed you haven't made
a donation in quite a long time.

Why are you going through the records?

I'm an executive assistant.

- Good for you.
- MEEMAW: You see,

God and I have a deal. And
when he helps me win big

at the casino, I give him a cut.

And lately, he has not been holding up

his part of the bargain.

"Steak aw poyver with fritties"?

- It's French.
- Oh.

What's a crock monster?

It's croque monsieur,

and it's really just a grilled
cheese sandwich with ham.

I want that.

[CHOKES] There's lemon in this water.

So, uh, who do you think the Oilers

are gonna take in the draft?

Oh, I don't really follow sports.

I'm just gonna eat.

[DOOR OPENS]

What's he doing here?
Y'all getting a divorce?

No. No, he's just here for dinner.

Oh. Welcome, Your Holiness.

I thought you were hanging
out with Veronica tonight.

We were supposed to, but
then she invited a bunch

of her choir friends over,

and it turned into a stupid Bible study.

- No offense.
- None taken.

- Hmm.
- GEORGE JR.: Honestly,

I do not understand the female mind.

[QUIETLY]: Do something.

Georgie, why don't you go
eat dinner in front of the TV?

No, it's all right. Sounds
like Georgie's having trouble

navigating the perilous waters

of a relationship.

Believe me, I can understand.

You having problems with your hot wife?

Maybe I'll go eat by the TV.

I'm liking my crock monster.

Mmm. Me, too.

I can't taste anything
after the lemon water.

I'm glad y'all are having a good time.

You're welcome.

Where we having dinner tomorrow?

Nowhere.

Dr. Sturgis and I are going to
Louisiana, do a little gambling.

So a donation could be forth coming?

Don't jinx me.

It's my first time going to a casino.

It's amazing. There's bright
lights and bells and buzzers

and people yelling.

BOTH: Ugh.

Veronica says I'm the
nicest guy she knows.

She also says she only
wants to date nice guys.

- Does that mean she wants to date me?
- I bet she doesn't.

No, she does not.
Doesn't make any sense.

Nothing they do makes any sense.

- GEORGE JR.: I know...
- At least he's not crying anymore.

JEFF: Devil's got something to do with it.

Mary, George, I can't
thank you enough for this.

It was our pleasure.

So, Pastor, are you gonna try

and talk things out with Selena?

Well, we're really
not on speaking terms,

so I'll just be heading back to
my office, sleep on the couch.

That's ridiculous. He can
stay with us, can't he?

Uh, I guess that'd be okay.

- Of course it would.
- JEFF: Oh.

I couldn't possibly impose.

GEORGE JR.: Sure you could.

In fact, you can take my room.

Well, y'all are too kind.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hello.
- Oh.

Did y'all have a good time?

- Yes.
- It was great.

Oh, Mom, Pastor Jeff is
gonna be spending the night.

If the kids could sleep at your place?

No. Bye.

[WHISPERING]: George.

[SNORTS] What? What's wrong?

The pastor's up making tea.

What, you want me to blow on it?

Go talk to him.

About what?

[EXHALES] I don't know.

Maybe you could give
him a male perspective

on relationship issues.

How about this?

What if I close my eyes and pray on it?

Hey.

Oh, hi. I hope I didn't wake you.

Uh, no, no. Just...
get-getting some water.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Can I fix you some chamomile?

No, thanks.

[SIGHS] So...

Tough times, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, uh, does the Bible say anything

about heartache and such?

Psalm , verse
three: "The Lord healeth

the broken in heart, and
bindeth up their wounds."

Well, there you go-eth.

Except I'm feeling kicked
in the nethers right now,

and he sure is taking his
sweet time with the healing.

He takes his sweet time
about a lot of things.

Uh, not that I'm complaining.

You know, his will, not mine, et cetera.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know, one thing I can say is that

having a happy marriage
is... it's hard work.

Oh, I know. [CHUCKLES] As
the pastor, people come to me

with relationship problems all the time.

[CHUCKLES] Bet you hear
some juicy ones, huh?

"Juicy" doesn't begin to describe it.

- Oh... give me a sample.
- I can't.

There's strict pastor-flock
confidentiality.

Sure. Sure.

- Mm.
- [EXHALES]

Mary doesn't tell you
things about us, does she?

I'm... not at liberty to say.

But she does, doesn't she?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

These people clearly don't
know what ten percent means.

What are you talking about?

This is the list of all
the people who belong

to the church and how
much money they donate.

Dorothy and Fred Nelson
gave a dollar last week.

- So?
- They own the Piggly Wiggly.

They can afford to give much more.

Weird.

You say "Piggly Wiggly"
and suddenly I'm hungry.

Really?

You're drinking in the morning now?

What? Oh, look at that.

Felt later.

Hey, I haven't seen
the pastor. He go home?

He hasn't come out of Georgie's room.

Maybe he found Georgie's magazines.

He's a man of God.

You're adorable.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I have stories. Come back here.

- It's my favorite table.
- Oh, hey, Connie.

Hi, Felicia.

Chip me for a deuce.

How's your daughter doing?

Oh, surgery went great.

Thanks for asking.

Her daughter got kicked by a horse.

- They had to pin a couple of bones together.
- Oh, my.

She won't be stealing any more horses

- for a little while.
- [LAUGHS]

- Your usual, Connie?
- Yeah.

John, you want something?

I would like a Fresca, please.

- Got it, hon.
- MAN: Connie.

Duke-North Carolina's about
to start. Want a piece?

Yeah, baby. Give me the
points on Duke for a nickel.

- All right.
- [LAUGHING]: A nickel.

That's a silly bet.

It's bucks.

A thousand nickels. Less silly.

I must say, uh...

this is a side of you
I've never... seen before.

You're all right with it, aren't you?

Oh, sure.

When are you gonna
give that man your $ ?

Don't worry about it. Hit me.

I'm a little worried.

[COINS JANGLING, PEOPLE CHEER]

Pastor Jeff?

Everything all right in there?

Oh, yeah.

I've just been praying, napping, crying.

I like to mix it up.

Well, how's it going?

Good, actually.

I have this feeling inside
that I should head home.

Well, then you got to honor
that feeling, that's God.

You're right. You want to come with?

Do you really want me there

while you patch things
up with your wife?

She's less likely to throw any
steak knives if we have company.

Um... if you think
it'll help, I suppose...

Great, let's hit it.

Oh...

Hello, is this the Nelson residence?

Oh, good. I'm Sheldon Cooper,

the executive assistant secretary

at the First Baptist Church of Medford.

I'm looking through
our donation records,

and I've noticed that
you've tapered off a bit.

Well, yes, your children's
education is expensive,

but so is running a church.

Oh, boy!

I'll be sure to tell
the pastor. Goodbye.

That earned a sip of Yoo-hoo.

Okay. Who's next?

Wendy and Bill Mackenzie.

Of Mackenzie Chevrolet?

Now those are what we
call "deep pockets."

Pat here, double the
ten, and split the aces.

Connie...

I found an old-fashioned
malt shop where we can

have milkshakes and
listen to the jukebox,

like I never did in high school.

Yeah, great. Not now, John.

Okay, well, I was just hoping
we could do something together.

For God's sake, John. I'm
getting my ass kicked here!

I'm sorry.

Oh, Felicia, you're k*lling me.

[SIGHS]

Chip me another deuce.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello?

Selena?

Ooh. Big TV, fancy.

[READING IN SPANISH]

"Con amor, Selena."

Which means?

"Life is too short to
be married to a loser.

I'm leaving you.

Love, Selena."

"Love, Selena"?

Well, that's kind of a mixed message.

Yeah.

Oh, I couldn't tell
you how much to give.

But I can tell you
the Stuckeys stepped up

for a thousand dollars.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, you need to give
what's comfortable for you.

And of course, I don't
need to remind you,

it's entirely tax deductible.

And at the next pancake breakfast,

you can hold your head high.

Thank you. That's very generous.

Goodbye.

The pancake line closed it.

We are so going to heaven.

I don't understand why God
would tell me to go home

just to find out my wife left me.

Not that he needs me to defend him,

but in God's defense, he
didn't say she'd be there.

Mary, I hate to say this,
but I think it's time

for me to move on.

I thought even as a
teenager, I'd been called

to preach the word of God,
but maybe that was just my ego.

Maybe I'm not meant to do this.

Don't say that. You're a great preacher.

Thank you. But it's clear.
I need to trod a new path.

Well, what would you do? Trodding wise.

I don't know.

Maybe work with my hands
amongst men, on an oil rig,

or a fishing trawler.

I also know how to blow glass.

I could turn a pretty
penny at swap meets.

- Those all sound like solid options.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, red light, red light!

[HORN BLARING]

[SIREN WAILING]

Oh, phooey.

Tell you what, Jody.

Why don't you go upstairs
to your daddy's bedroom,

and see how much is in his wallet?

Don't worry, it's not
stealing if it's for God.

What are y'all up to?

Just helping Mom with some church work.

Well, aren't you two great kids.

We like to think so.

[CHUCKLES]

Really? That much?

[COINS JANGLING]

I think I need to apologize.

- I know you do.
- I'm very sorry.

Sometimes when things
aren't going my way,

I just get a little cranky.

- May I ask you a personal question?
- Sure.

Does your gambling constitute a problem?

Not today. Bam!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Come on. Let me take you out to dinner.

- [WHOOPING]
- [CHUCKLING]

Don't forget that you promised Sheldon

if you won, you'd donate to the church.

You want to see me get cranky again?

No, I don't.

Well, let's go strap on
some bibs and eat lobster.

Whoa!

So you're over at First
Baptist Church, huh?

Yes, Officer.

I'm new in this area.

I've been looking for a church.

Well, you're in luck. It's
a wonderful congregation,

and this man right here
is our beloved pastor.

Oh. Are you his wife?

Oh, no, I'm church secretary.
He's actually single.

- Well, technically...
- He's single.

Well, I'll try to come by sometime.

Tomorrow's Sunday. He'll be speaking.

All right. Maybe I'll
see y'all tomorrow.

You have a nice day.

Aren't you gonna give me a ticket?

Do you wanta ticket?

He does not. Thank you, Officer.

[CHUCKLES]

- Pastor?
- Yeah?

You were saying you don't understand

why God told you to go
home. You get it now?

Think I do.

Welcome, church.

I pray you all had a
blessed and prosperous week.

I'm excited to share with you

what the Lord put on my heart for today.

I'm surprised you're here this morning.

Hey. I got to support my pal.

The renewal of faith is
something that happens

over and over.

- When you have faith...
- You need to move fast, Officer.

He's not gonna be on
the market for long.

- Roger that.
- JEFF: For so many months,

our little parish has been
struggling financially.

But by the grace of
God and his provision,

we have received the most
donations in church history!

Praise Jesus!

- ALL: Praise Jesus!
- [APPLAUSE]

So it's all Jesus, we
don't get any credit?

- We need to start our own church.
- They don't pay taxes.

It's a very sound business model.

JEFF: Say amen when you get there, huh?