02x22 - A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast

[bunniefuu]

[DISTORTED VOICES, RADIO CRACKLING]

What on Earth...?

Hello?

- Hello, Mom.
- Hi.

I bet you're wondering.

I sure am.

It's a shortwave radio.

Dr. Sturgis is letting me use it.

STURGIS: It picks up broadcasts

- from around the world.
- Listen.

This is the time being announced
every minute from Ottawa.

OPERATOR: At the sound of the
tone, the local time in Ottawa

- will be : .
- [BEEPS]

Spellbinding, ain't it?

And you thought this was
okay to go on in my house?

It was that or my house, so here we are.

Wednesday morning, the
Nobel Prize winners are going

to be announced in Sweden, and
we'll hear it as it's happening.

Well, . milliseconds later.

Sure, because of the propagation.

And what's this? Some kind of antenna?

Yes. It needs to go up on the roof.

You're not going on the roof.

Of course he's not. I am.

You're not going, either.

Excuse me, I have six years

of tai chi under my belt.

I have the balance of a jungle cat.

You doing some kind of
slow-motion hula dance

in the park is not gonna change my mind.

I do much more than just this.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

So you want me to put
that thing on that roof?

Yes.

So you can hear who won a science prize?

The Nobel Prize.

[SIGHS] Why can't you read
who won in the newspaper?

I could say the same
thing about the Super Bowl,

but you still watch it.

He got you there.

The Super Bowl is football.

Your thing is... I don't
even know what your thing is.

It's the most prestigious
award in the field of physics.

I'll think about it.

When I win one, I might
just thank you in my speech.

[SIGHS]

The things I do for you.

Georgie, get out here!

Got a chore for you!

Good call. You have
no business up there.

[DISTORTED VOICES]

OPERATOR: Radio Sweden International.

There it is.

Excellent. Which scientists
are you rooting for?

Oh, I don't have a favorite.

There's so much good work being done.

I think it's time Frederick Reines

finally gets his due for the neutrino.

I suppose he has a sh*t.

I should think so, he confirmed
the neutrino's existence

years ago.

What the heck are they waiting for?

Lots of talented people
don't get recognized.

NARRATOR [OVER TV]: Giraffes
aren't able to have...

[DONALD DUCK JABBERING]

You know if we had cable,
we'd have, like, channels?

We have plenty of channels.

We have seven.

Hey! There are starving kids in Africa

with no channels.

Come on, it don't cost much.

I'm not paying for television.

Television is free.
Always was, always will be.

You're so cheap.

If you want cable, pay for it yourself.

Or better yet, try turning that
thing off and go read a book.

"Read a book"?

STURGIS: ♪ Inch by inch ♪

♪ Row by row ♪

♪ Gonna make this garden grow ♪

- ♪ Gonna mulch it deep and... ♪
- John?

Hello, my sweet.

What are you doing out here?

Weeding. You have goosegrass.

And you can't have a nice
lawn if you have goosegrass.

[CHUCKLES]: It's kind of dark out.

Goosegrass doesn't sleep.

It kills the good grass

and leaves bald spots.

But don't worry,

I'm on the job. [CHUCKLES]

Oh. Okay.

Can I get you a flashlight?

I would prefer a headlamp, such
as one would use for spelunking.

Okay.

Let me check my spelunking supplies.

You're a peach.

♪ Pulling weeds and picking stones... ♪

[XYLOPHONE PLAYING]

Good morning, Medford High School,

this is Class President Sheldon Cooper

with an important science bulletin.

This Wednesday morning,

the Nobel Prize in
Physics will be announced,

and I'd like to invite each and
every one of you to my garage

to listen live at : a.m. and
be a part of scientific history.

- Food and refreshments will be served...
- You worried your kid

just invited the whole
school to your house?

At : in the morning for
a Swedish science thing?

[CHUCKLES] Not at all.

In other school news, this
Friday night our football team

will be playing another football team.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hi, Connie, this is Dr. Linkletter.

I work in the physics
department with Dr. Sturgis.

Oh, sure, I remember you.

What can I do for you?

Well, I'm just calling to let
you know that John is fine,

but there's been a bit of an
incident at the school today.

What happened?

He broke into the
mainframe computer lab,

tripped off an alarm.

Security came, and there was a chase.

A chase?

It was a short one. He's not a fast man.

Uh... well, where is he now?

He's in the dean's office.

He has you listed as
the emergency contact,

so I just wanted to let you know.

Well, uh... thank you

- so much for calling.
- My pleasure.

If there's anything I can
do, feel free to reach out.

Or if you'd like to go
grab a coffee sometime,

I know a cute little cafe.

Do you like scones?

You're not actually trying to
hit on me right now, are you?

- Is it working?
- No.

I should go.

What kind of snacks do
you think I should serve

at my Nobel gathering?

It's on Swedish radio. How
about Swedish meatballs?

But it's at : a.m.

Swedish breakfast balls?

I could offer an assortment
of breakfast cereal.

My mom doesn't let me have
cereal with sugar in it.

Or anything that makes me happy.

Connie. What are you doing here?

Well...

I got a call from
your friend Linkletter,

and, uh... I-I was a
little worried about you.

What did he say?

That you had some kind of scuffle

with the campus security?

No scuffle.

I was using the university's mainframe,

and they asked me to
leave. Simple as that.

So nobody chased you?

I was startled, and so I did

what any normal person does
under the circumstances:

climb out a window and
run like the dickens.

KURT [OVER TV]: Hi, I'm Kurt
Loder, this is MTV News...

Since when do we get MTV?

Since I got cable.

What do you mean, you got cable?

I called up the cable
company and I said, "Hello,

I'd like cable," and they put in cable.

I'm not paying for that.

Keep your shirt on. I paid for it.

Is that so?

Yeah, with money I saved from my job.

Well, okay.

So do we get any of
those movie channels?

Dad, I'm trying to watch the news.

KURT: Billy Idol has
recovered so well from...

What's so important that
I had to run over here?

Come here. I want to show you something.

Look at this.

John did it.

Oh, dear.

"Oh, dear" is right.

Was he in here taking a bath

and just started thinking
about science stuff?

Read the top right part.

MARY: "Time plus heat

plus bread equals toast."

[WHISPERS]: That ain't science.

Well, it's not wrong, either.

Look at this.

Yeah, well, that's... peculiar.

You'll be amazed to know
that the Nobel Prize,

while being the most
prestigious award in science,

is not generally
celebrated in this country.

No parades, no fireworks.

Which is why I thought
having a breakfast celebration

was not only appropriate,
but long overdue.

You may have noticed
that I went with Cheerios,

and believe me, it was
a decision that I came to

after careful consideration.

There were birds on the Froot Loops,

Cocoa Puffs and Corn
Flakes, so they were out.

And leprechauns and elves
are magical creatures

that would be a slap in the
face to the scientific community.

Anyway, the festivities
begin at : a.m.

You're most welcome to come.

As are you, unhappy bag boy.

What the hell is this?

TV's asking me for some kind of code.

Yeah, that's the parental control lock.

- So how do I take it off?
- You don't.

This is my cable that
I bought with my money.

You got to be kidding me.

Here's an idea, how
about you go read a book?

Oh, this isn't over, little man.

Not by a long sh*t!

You know what I like about you, Sheldon?

You're incredibly smart,
but you're also really dumb.

Why would you say that?

You think people are gonna
come here to hang out with you?

Yes.

- To hear about science?
- Yes.

- On the radio?
- Yes.

At : in the morning?

Yes.

And you're asking me why you're dumb?

Well, I happen to have
a little more faith

in the curiosity of my fellows.

See, you sound smart,
but you're still dumb.

I bet you don't even know
the first thing about Sweden.

Well, you're wrong, it's where

those little meatballs come from.

And that chef on The
Muppets. That's two things.

Oh,

and it's in Canada. That's three.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello, Dr. Linkletter.

This is Connie Tucker.

Connie, how lovely to hear from you.

Stop. I'm worried about John.

He was supposed to be here for
dinner and he never showed up.

That's not good. He also
missed two of his classes today.

Do you have any idea where he might be?

Hard to say. If he's
having another episode,

he could be anywhere.

Hold on, what do you mean "episode"?

Oh, I thought you knew. In the past,

John has struggled with
his grip on reality.

What kind of struggle
are we talking about?

The kind where he's
had to be hospitalized.

Well, he never said
anything about that to me.

Well, I certainly wouldn't
fabricate such a story.

Okay, look, I-if-if you
hear from him or see him,

please let me know.

Of course. Now, if down the road

things don't work out with
you two, I'd love to...

Good-bye.

♪ ♪

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[TV PLAYING FAINTLY]

- Here, this is for you.
- What is it?

Read it. You do remember
how to read, don't you?

A bill? Really?

Room and board, buddy.

$ a month for food?

The way you eat, I
should've gone $ a week.

Laundry services?

Your poor mother has
to touch your underwear.

What's the $ a month "peema" charge?

Oh, P-I-M-A, that's a
"Pain in My Ass" tax.

My way of getting compensated for you

taking years off my life.

John?

John?

Your bike's here. John?

John?

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[CHUCKLING]: Well, look at
that, there's boobies on my TV.

Ooh!

- Get out of here!
- I'm telling Mom!

[g*nshots, HORSE NEIGHING OVER TV]

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

John?

Hello.

What-What're you doing?

I was doing tai chi

and then I realized that I was

continually being bombarded
by subatomic particles

and it behooves me, perhaps,

to pay slightly closer
attention to them.

Maybe "chi" is the ancient Chinese word

for the subatomic universe.

You're scaring me, John.

Well, there's nothing to be scared of.

Tomorrow, somebody
will win the Nobel Prize

about these particles...

not me.

But I'm experiencing
them firsthand... [LAUGHS]

...which could be better.

Why don't you come
down and experience them

on the floor?

I think I just felt a neutrino. [LAUGHING]

You know, neutrinos are interesting.

They never bond with anything,

they're always alone.

I think that one went
right through my pants.

All right,

why don't we go downstairs,

and I'll fix us both
a nice cup of hot tea

and you can tell me all about it.

Please?

Okay.

It was my dream to win the Nobel,

and I'm not going to.

- I bet Sheldon will.
- [CHUCKLES]

- That'll be something.
- Yeah.

[RADIO STATIC]

CARL-OLOF JACOBSON [ON RADIO]:
Welcome to Radio Sweden...

How's it going, baby?

I don't think anyone's
showing up, not even Tam.

I'm here.

Yeah, but you're my mom.
You live on the premises.

At least Dr. Sturgis
should be here any minute.

Shelly, I'm afraid Dr. Sturgis

isn't coming this morning.

Why not?

He isn't feeling well.

Oh, dear.

Should we send him a get well card?

I think that'd be terrific.

JACOBSON: Good morning and welcome

to the Royal Swedish
Academy of Sciences.

The announcements are starting.

You want me to stay?

JACOBSON: Uh, the Academy has
concluded its meeting and we are

ready to announce this year's...

I'll be in my room if you need me.

JACOBSON: As usual, I will read
the announcements first in English,

then in Swedish, then
the citation in German,

French, and Russian.

And this year's

Nobel Prize in Physics is awarded to...

Come on, neutrinos.

...Henry Kendall, Jerome Friedman,

and Richard Taylor for
the discovery of quarks.

ADULT SHELDON: A primary feature of quarks

is that they're always bonded together,

but in that moment, I
felt like a neutrino,

destined to be alone forever.

[JACOBSON SPEAKING GERMAN ON RADIO]

BEVERLY HOFSTADTER: Leonard,
dear, you should be in bed.

[SNORING]

♪ My, my baby as there are stars above ♪

♪ Want to say, I want to
say, I want to say it ♪

♪ Some day we'll be together ♪

♪ Yes, we will, yes, we will... ♪

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Howard!
Turn off that fakakta game

and go to sleep.

- ♪ Someday we'll be together ♪
- ♪ Someday we'll be together ♪

♪ Yes, we will, yes, we will ♪

- ♪ I know ♪
- ♪ Someday ♪

♪ We'll be together ♪

♪ Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey ♪

♪ Someday... ♪

ADULT SHELDON: Thankfully, I was wrong.