02x05 - Match-A-Rooney

[bunniefuu]

Oh, honey, don't slouch.

- Oh.

- Okay.

So the gal's gala is coming up.

That means girls will be asking boys to the dance all week.

They're gonna be looking at you like a steer at auction.

Oh, honey, hold on a second.

You've got an eyebrow hair out of place.

Mother, I do not need your help to be awkward.

Oh, come on.

I bet the girls are just lining up to ask my dashing little love bug.

Mom!

I mean, Don't touch my face creepy old lady who I have never seen before.

Sorry.

Old people like to touch my face.

I have, like, super soft baby skin.

Don't worry.

I've got a mom, too, love bug.

A cheerleader just talked to me, mom.

Fix my other eyebrow.

Okay, put this on and don't ask questions.

Okay, press the button.

Oh.

Another satisfied customer.

Match-tastic!

As Ridgewood High's premier matchmaker, I am known as the queen of hearts.

The motto is "let Liv let love live.

" - Hey, Liv?

- Yeah?

- Can we talk?

- Yeah.

I need advice from the queen of hearts.

Ah, let me guess You want to ask Joey to the dance?

How'd you know?

Just a hunch.

So will you help me?

Willow, your taste in men baffles me, but your taste in matchmakers is impeccable.

So, the queen is going to get Joey and Willow together.

All hail the queen of hearts.

I said all hail the queen!

Dude, what are you doing?

I accidentally stepped on my cupcake.

Don't want to waste the frosting.

That's so nasty.

Want to taste?

You know I do.

Fall in, dragons.

I went to this dojo when I was Parker's age.

Yeah, I actually made it to the highest rank possible "Iron Dragon.

" So, when his sensei made a pilgrimage out to her ancestral homeland of Irvine, California, I volunteered to fill in.

The dragon is back.

Rawr!

But, like, picture that with, like, fire breath.

Rawr!

I am sensei Maddie.

Due to injury, I will need assistance demonstrating moves, so top dragon please step forward.

Uh, we don't have a top dragon.

But do you mean the snack captain?

I guess dragon strike martial arts has gone soft.

Without a top dragon, what goal do you strive for?

How will you learn the way of the dragon?

What's the way of the dragon?

Burn strong, strike fast, no defeat.

Oh, yeah.

That got changed to "smile bright, hug hard, no owwies.

" Unacceptable!

Next class you will all fight each other until we find the top dragon.

Your last easy day was yesterday.

Rawr!

But, like, picture that but with, like, fire breath.

Joey Rooney.

Behold my glorious face and see the man who will be attending the dance with your sister on his arm.

Future brother-in-law.

Burn!

Has Liv actually asked you to the gal's gala?

A mere formality.

I'm surprised it hasn't happened already.

Why, what have you heard?

Well, actually this morning Liv was saying Nothing about you!

Reeled you in and b*rned you.

Burn!

Yeah!

You sure this is gonna work?

Yes, trust your queen.

Now fly, my chicken.

Here comes Willow to ask me to the dance.

Ba-bawk!

Ba-bawk!

Ba-bawk!

Ba-bawk!

Will you go to the gal's gala with me?

Look, Willow She's asking me?!

You're asking Artie?

She's asking Artie!

All part of the queen's plan.

Joey would never have said yes to Willow if she'd asked him and I also knew that if she asked Artie, Joey would get crazy jealous and try to steal her back.

Really, talking Willow into wearing the chicken suit was just for me, but, hey, queen has to have a little fun.

Seriously?

Artie?

I thought she was gonna ask me.

I know.

So super crazy weird, right?

- Yeah.

- I'm surprised, Willow.

I thought you only had eyes for Joey.

I realized I was ba-bawking up the wrong tree.

S-so, wanna go?

Well, let me think.

Hmm.

Shall I Go to the dance with her?

I guess my answer to Willow is going to be anyone want to jump in under the wire?

In three, two, one Zero chance.

Your loss.

Lady Willow of West Stevens Point, I cock-a-doodle do want to go with you.

Yeah.

Fight!

Ooh.

- Ow!

- Ha!

Point, Parker.

Now finish him.

Finish him?

What do you mean?

I already scored the I said finish him!

Ah.

Victory to Parker!

Sit on the bench of shame.

Go.

Parker, you will fight Reggie in the finals tomorrow.

There are no friends In this dojo.

Dude, your sister's one mean dragon.

I know.

I don't mind punching a kid in the gut, but not in the feelings.

I'll go talk to her.

Drop some psychology on her, Dr. P.

- Hey, sis.

- Yeah?

I'm a big fan of humiliation and yelling, but it's not the best way to motivate the class.

Oh.

Wow.

Okay.

Never thought about it that way.

Thanks, little bro.

All right, dragons, let's round up for a little mat chat, yeah?

So Parker here has, um Pointed out to me that I might be a little too intense and might need to lighten up a little bit, you think?

Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen!

You've all been living in a "no owwies" world.

Well this world, is full of owwies.

Yeah, and I am gonna toughen you up.

So, Parker and Reggie, you're gonna face-off tomorrow until one of you drops, and the loser will be banned from this class forever!

Dismissed.

Banned?

You can't I said Dismissed.

Rawr!

Wow.

She's not kidding about that dragon breath.

Huh, what's going on here?

My little strawberry shortcake Artie is polishing my locker.

Ugh.

Welcome to the Artie party.

Oh.

What's this behind your ear?

A rose for my rose.

So, I told Willow that the more she pretended to be into Artie, the more it would drive Joey crazy.

I suppose it was a bit cruel to make Artie a pawn in my plan, but that is what he gets for dressing as me for Halloween.

Darling, we have to choose a moniker for Artie and Willow.

Which do you like better?

Wartie Or artillow?

I can't choose.

Joey, what do you think?

Oh, well, I can't decide between don't know, and don't care.

Ha.

Think I'll go with I don't kn-are.

How can he not kn-are when I kn-are so much?

I don't want to be "wartie.

" I want to be "jillow.

" So I guess you're not into Liv anymore?

I've had what my mom refers to as a moment of clarity.

From now on, I'm only into girls that are into me.

Care to skip to class, my peach?

Only if I get to hold your small, clammy hand.

- Ta-da!

- Ah!

"Dance with Me?" That's fun, Emily.

Whoever your asking is a lucky guy.

I'm asking you.

Me?

Why me?

I mean Yes.

Wow!

Whoo!

A cute cheerleader asked me to the dance.

Oh!

This is the best day ever.

Even better than the day that I completed my state quarters collection by finding the elusive Utah, which should give you some idea of how excited I am.

And the fake leg is done.

Maddie wants us to take each other out, then we'll fake a gruesome fight.

I'm not gonna let either of us be banished from the dojo.

Quit eating the fake blood!

I can't help it.

You know I have a weakness for strawberry preserves.

Focus.

This has to go perfectly.

When Maddie sees me break your fake leg, we're gonna scare some sense into that sensei.

Hyah!

Ooh, that hurt my real leg.

Ah.

Hello, Emily, the cheerleader that asked me to the gala.

Come in.

Hey, Joey.

I brought this for you.

Oh.

I wanted to say I'm super excited about tonight.

Oh, and could you meet me at the bottom of the stairs at exactly 8:02?

Yeah, yeah, whatever you want.

I will be there, wearing nothing but a smile and this boutonniere And clothes.

I will also be wearing clothes.

Okay.

See you tonight, love bug.

Emily Watson is taking you to the gal's gala?

Nice job, son.

Thanks, dad.

Prank!

What?

You're being pranked.

No way a girl that cute wants to go to the dance with you.

Perhaps you haven't noticed because you see me everyday, but I have blossomed.

Earth to blossom, the flower is so you can be spotted in a crowd.

The precise time is when the prank is being pulled off.

And standing at the bottom of the stairs is so they can dump stuff on your head.

Probably liquid, but possibly some sort of animal by-product.

That's how I'd do it.

Well, I think you've cracked one too many walnuts with your forehead.

She's totally into me.

Right, dad?

Well I thought the same thing as Parker at first, but your mother and I think you're quite a catch.

Dad's right.

There are plenty of cheerleaders dying to go out with members of the rocket club.

I am not just a member.

Ha!

I am vice chancellor of oh, I am so getting pranked.

See, my darling?

I told you we'd be the only ones in lavender.

Yep, here we are at the dance.

Willow and Artie, together.

Just like we both wanted.

These are the texts that I received from Willow today.

So "10:47.

Artie's actually into me.

Fix this.

" "12:30.

Joey has a date.

Fix this.

" And "3:25.

Pre-dance picnic behind Artie's stepdad's burger stand.

Fix this.

" Ugh.

I really messed up.

I have to fix this.

Willow agrees.

Wait!

I can't let you two go into the dance together.

King Artie The magnificent.

You have my attention.

Liv Rooney, Artie's my date.

What are you doing?

Claiming my king of hearts.

Artie, will you go to The dance with me?

Minions, curtain of privacy, please.

Let's go.

Put it up!

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!

Yes!

Yeah, sure, whatever.

I hope you can forgive me, but I can live with your hate.

I can't help but feel that some of this must be my fault.

Mom, you are looking at a prank-proof box.

This box protects my head from liquids and my waistband from pantsing.

No one's gonna make me look ridiculous.

Oh, you poor damaged boy.

Joey?

What are you wearing?

A big box of dignity, dollface.

Why?

Please.

You didn't really want to go to the dance with me.

This was all an elaborate rouse to prank me.

Well, the rouse is on youse.

Who's trying to prank you?

You and the rest of the snooty yet beautiful people who think you own this school.

Let me tell you something, Emily.

You may be cute, popular and on the honor roll, but I have seen your cartwheels and they are inconsistent at best.

That's right.

I said it.

I am my own man.

Nobody puts Joey Rooney in a box Except Joey Rooney, obviously.

I wasn't trying to prank you.

I wanted to go to the dance with a cute, sweet, funny guy.

Oh.

Huh.

My bad.

Well, let's not let two inches of galvanized steel and bulletproof glass ruin our night, 'cause I can still dance.

Dance, dance, dance.

Goodbye, Joey.

Oh, and by the way, my cartwheels are magnificent.

Wait!

No!

Wait!

No!

It's not my fault!

I have a father and brother who have no faith in me.

It's okay, baby.

It's okay.

Mommy's here.

Dragons, places for the final showdown.

- Fight!

- Get him good!

Woo!

Yeah!

- Ooh!

- Ooh!

Ooh!

I've got an owwie!

I've got a big owwie!

Reggie, are you okay?

Don't worry.

I'll finish him.

I will not be banished from this dojo.

Dragon heart punch!

Ugh.

Okay.

You've made your point.

Show's over.

Dragon arm att*ck.

So, I've realized that, as my brother was b*ating his best friend senseless with his own dismembered arm, I may have pushed the kids a little bit too hard.

Aw, man we're done?

What am I supposed to do with these fake teeth?

Dragons, I owe you an apology.

I forgot that dragon strike martial arts is about discipline and learning how to defend yourself, not being top dragon.

So, in order to make it up to all of you I am buying everyone hot dogs at the go-kart track.

Also, dad, can I borrow some money for hot dogs and go-karts?

All right, dragons, gather up your loose limbs and hearts and meet me at the minivan.

It's time to ride!

You know I'm not gonna be holding back out there on that go-kart track, right?

I do not care if you are in middle school, I am gonna dominate you.

I'll run you right into a wall, old lady.

Rawr!

But, like, picture that, but, like, fire breath.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Minions.

What?

Wait, why do you even have this?

You had no idea that I was gonna ask you.

You were all gaga for Willow.

Oh, I was never into Willow.

You were you nev you what?

What?

What?

It was all part of my master plan.

Allow me to explain.

Minions, some 'splaining music.

I knew that a girl with a taste for Joey could never feel the same way towards an elegant, gingery flavor such as myself.

It makes no culinary sense.

I knew it had to be the work of the queen of hearts, so I faked an obsession with Willow, giving you no choice but to jump on the grenade for her.

And that grenade is me.

Boom!

Romance!

Wait, I got outplayed?

You're like an evil genius And I'm weirdly impressed.

Wait till you see me tango.

Hey, Joey.

Oh.

Hi, Willow.

You look nice.

Thanks.

Where's Artie?

It's, uh, kind of rude to ditch your date.

Joey, I never wanted to go to the dance with Artie.

I wanted to go with you, but I thought you'd say no.

Good instinct.

It's too bad I'm in this box.

We could go dance as friends.

So, how about that dance?

- I'm afraid to say no.

- Good instinct.

At 10:02, Artie texted this to the entire school.

But it was all worth it when at 10:15, I got this.