07x08 - The Baroness

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Younger"...

I think it's time that I actually buy my own apartment in New York City.

Check out this cutie-patootie crib I found.

Casting for a real estate TV show.

- Are you out of your mind?

- You won't believe the perks, and this will be really good for your brand.

This is a show that I did about trans women

- on the Lower East Side.

- [TABLET DINGS]

Uh, Professor, what do you call that one?

That's called "My Wife." Maybe you're not a good fit here after all.

_ What're you doing here?

Just thought you might need a friend right now.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Thank you.

I thought you guys were perfect for each other, what happened?

Well, he wanted to get married again,

- and I just didn't.

- Yeah, that's a fast proposal.

Must be an old guy thing.

You know, no time to lose before they head towards that light.

[LAUGHS]

No, he's just traditional.

Are you okay, Mom?

I mean, you really loved him, and you still have to work with him.

It's fine, we're adults.

- I guess the only problem is...

- Quinn Tyler.

Is that Quinn Tyler?

Uhh...

Right.

Yep, that is Quinn Tyler.

Oh, my God.

Have you read her new book?

It's amazing.

Honey, we published it.

Wait, so you know her?

Like, she would know your face?

- She kinda would, yeah.

- Okay, then I gotta meet her.

She's my hero.

[LAUGHS]

Lady, your food!

Quinn?

Hi.

Liza, hello.

I thought I smelled the food cart.

What a stomach you must have.

Um, I just...

I wanted to introduce you to my daughter, this is Caitlin.

Oh, my God, Miss Tyler, I'm a huge fan.

We all are up at school.

Oh, that's so kind.

Where do you go, Smith?

Are you a legacy?

Your mom strikes me as a Smith girl.

I saw her wearing loafers once.

Uh, no, I'm at Vassar.

Oh, I went to Vassar!

Class of what does that matter?

[LAUGHS]

- What year are you?

- Senior.

Oh, God, isn't it the worst?

You wanna go out in the world, but you know this is the best it's ever gonna be.

Ugh, I sobbed all the way through our last acapella concert.

Wait you sang acapella?

Me too, I'm in this group called The Troublemakers.

- I'm a Troublemaker.

- No way.

- Yes way!

Oh, my God!

- [BOTH LAUGHING]

You know what I actually carry around is a pitch pipe.

- Okay.

- [LAUGHS]

Ready?

[BLOWS]

- BOTH: ♪ Ahh ♪

- You take the harmony.

BOTH: ♪ Ahh ♪

♪ La, la, ooh, la, la ♪

♪ Doo, doo, ah, doo, doo, ah, da, doo ♪

♪ Shoop, shoo-bee, doo-bee, doop ♪

♪ Shoo-bee, doo, ahh, wah, dah, dah, doop ♪

♪ How about you? ♪

- Yay!

- BOTH: ♪ How about you?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Do you still do a group hug after every performance?

- Yes, we do.

- Okay, then get in here.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

- Ohh.

I'll see you at the foreign rights auction meeting.

Oh, wow.

She's incredible.

As in, not to be believed, yes.

Oh, I hate myself, I was this close to asking her,

- and I choked.

- Asking her about what?

Mom, The Spirit of Vassar Award... why I'm in town.

I thought you had Jane Fonda.

She got arrested again.

Can you ask her, Mom?

- Uhh...

- It's her alma mater, it's tomorrow, and it'd be really good for me because I'm the one who pushed for Jane.

It's a code red, Mom.

Please.

♪ You do you, come on and try it ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Come on and try it ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Come on and try it ♪

That sounds good to me.

- London, you got that?

- Yes.

- Berlin?

[SPEAKS GERMAN]

- Yeah.

- Sorry, what's that now?

- Für dich.

It means "for you."

Ah, okay, I went a different way.

- [LAUGHTER]

- That was impressive.

We don't usually let our authors handle the foreign rights auction.

Oh, I know all these boys.

They owe me.

So if we're done...

Um, actually, can I talk to you for a second?

Ooh, that sounds ominous.

Should I be scouting the exits?

Yeah, I'm going to go, uh, duck and cover.

[LAUGHS]

No, it's not about us or Charles.

Look, I know this is probably impossible because it's tomorrow night, but my daughter wants me to ask you if you'd be willing to receive the Spirit of Vassar Award.

Tomorrow night?

Sounds like somebody canceled.

Right.

Um...

I get it, it's fine.

- Thank you for being so nice to her.

- So, yeah, I'm available.

Tell her I'd be honored, and then you can just give me all the details, right?

Okay, but if you're saying yes now and you're going to cancel tomorrow, it's my daughter, and it really means a lot to her.

Liza, when are you gonna realize you can trust me?

I promise I'll be there.

I didn't...

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

Onions, what would street meat be without them?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ Oh, Maggie.

Maggie.

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.

There you are.

Cass, it's so great to see you!

[LAUGHS]

Um, you really shouldn't be seeing this.

I was supposed to just go leave it on your desk.

It's a gift from you know who.

So we're all clear for that trip to P-town?

Ooh, we have to clear up a little problem first.

- I thought we did.

- Not the boobs, the tweets.

Have you seen these?

Well, I don't pay attention to the critics, I mean, no true artist does.

They're not critics.

They're students, apparently, and quite angry.

You don't want effigies burning in the quad.

Believe me, they make one of me last year over the tuition increase.

Not flattering, I was in a plaid suit.

I read one or two of them, and they're completely ridiculous.

I mean, inappropriate.

How am I inappropriate?

You gotta be careful.

These kids are incredibly woke and your work goes all the way back to the ' s.

Just think, there could be other skeletons in your closet.

And what about the Halloweens?

Wh-what Halloweens?

Maggie, there's been a lot of Halloweens.

Look, I'm your ally here, but if the students turn on you, I...

It's one or two, tops.

Maybe they don't like Italians.

I'm the one who should be angry.

Uh-oh, I don't think your clay is hard.

Oh, my God.

This is the one that I worked so hard on.

Oh, and careful, you could lose a ring up there.

It happens.

Am I right?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ - [LAUGHTER]

- Cheers.

- To Kelsey.

- Ah!

Here we go.

Tonight, Brett meets a new client, young, successful, driven.

- That's me.

- With an agenda all her own.

So exciting.

This is the kitchen with the view.

- I don't know.

- Oh, my God.

Okay.

At the end of this, after they're all too expensive, I kinda say, "I think I should just give up."

It's so hard seeing what you want so bad and hearing him say, "It can't happen."

- Devastating.

- Oh, my God.

I have not felt this sad since Meryl's scene in "Mamma Mia!

" when she comes back as a ghost with good lighting.

- Shh-shh.

- Yeah, it happens.

It's a professional hazard.

Clients get crushes on me.

They're coming off marriages or relationships and I'm the guy they lean on to start their new life and frankly, I've got the shoulders for it.

But Kelsey?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my.

She is taking it to a new level.

- Oh.

- I mean, I felt her eyes on me

- all afternoon.

- What?

- [WOLF WHISTLE]

- [SLIDE WHISTLE]

[SPRING BOINGS]

My God.

Kelsey, look at you looking at him, you're giving him full blow-up doll face.

I was looking at the backsplash.

That... that's my tumbled granite face.

What can I say?

The place is for sale, not me.

I just don't think I've ever come across a client this thirsty, I mean, motivated.

She's comin' in hot.

I can't believe this.

Lauren, this is your fault.

No...

it's-it's not that bad, right, guys?

No.

No, Kelsey, come on.

You opened that closet, like, really well.

And I liked how you knew why copper piping's important.

- Yeah.

- [SCOFFS]

You said this was gonna be good for my brand.

Which is what now, exactly, Lauren?

Some desperate, thirsty, Manhattan bulge-hunter?

Now that actually sounds like a show.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

♪ Okay, okay ♪

♪ I got the ball straight from the jump ♪

♪ I got it all ♪

Okay, well, we're just very unhappy

- with how you portrayed her.

- Unhappy, no.

You tell them that I will sue.

Like, they cannot air that again.

Uh-huh, yes, she's here.

You know what?

And we're going to bow out.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yes, I will tell her that.

Yeah, I remember.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, I do.

Okay, I gotta go.

Bye, bye.

What?

You remember what?

Um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Apparently I might have signed a four-episode contract for you while that cute guy was wiring you for your mic.

You know, I didn't want to interrupt a moment

- that might be happening.

- What?

Lauren, wait, I can't quit.

Uhh...

[STRAINING]

Wait, you can be fired.

Yes, it's reality TV, right?

So they like crazy, and drunk, and angry.

So you just be calm, be reasonable.

Don't flip over a table or poop on the floor in Mexico.

You know...

just they'll move on to the next crazy person.

Hm, okay, so that's your plan.

Just act dull.

Kels, come on, you can do this.

Just be that girl you are in the mornings, when you start telling me about your dreams.

♪ [SCOFFS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ [LOUNGEY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Oh, that's nice. Charles is doing the publisher thing and walking in with his author.

[LAUGHS]

Mom, are Quinn and Charles...

Yes, they are dating buddies, and thus, naturally,

- he accompanies her unto gatherings.

- She's his rebound?

Oh, God, you should have told me, I never would've asked.

Then you wouldn't have saved the day, right?

And I wanted you to save the day.

I will try to hate her a little for you, but after tonight, okay?

Don't hate her.

I don't even hate her.

Come on, Mom, you're only human.

Yeah, the human who needs a drink.

[SIGHS]

No.

I know it's only four months until you're legal, but no.

Whatever.

Dad will get me one.

- Say what now?

- Dad!

He wanted to come.

I hope that's not a big deal.

God, no.

What a super fun evening this is turning out to be.

- I'll be right back.

- Hey, Liza.

You're looking well.

You, too.

I think one of your gums is bleeding.

Ooh, yeah, yeah.

That's been happening.

No big deal.

Uh, just...

yeah.

[LAUGHS]

Developing a teeth whitening system, so I dialed it up to .

I didn't know you were gonna be here.

Well, I dumped enough money into this place.

[LAUGHS]

Time to recoup with a little free chicken dinner, right?

Yeah.

One chicken dinner ought to even you right up.

[LAUGHS]

♪ So this is a classic pre-w*r five, but actually built last year.

- So pre the next w*r?

- [CHUCKLES]

You look, uh, I don't know, down.

No, I don't talk when I look, which may not make very interesting or compelling viewing, which could result in lower ratings, but it's just me.

No, no, no, you're tender today.

No, not at all.

I'm just...

I know this building, and there's nothing under two million.

I threw a party on the penthouse for my company.

Oh, and your company is important to you, isn't it, Kelsey?

It's lonely at the top.

I'm not lonely.

I'm extremely popular, and you know what?

- What?

- No, no, no.

I'm not...

I'm...

I'm good, I'm fine.

I'm not... not doing this.

Well, I may not be able to make all your dreams come true, but how about these bookshelves, huh?

Your love of books is one thing I can satisfy.

I mean, it's like it was made for a, I don't know, say, a young publishing exec who sometimes curls up with a novel to nurse a broken heart.

- Oh, hang on.

- Oh, my gosh.

That's one of your books, right?

Is this cut in half?

What the hell is this?

It's genius, right?

I mean, you don't want a big, old bookcase eating up floor space.

- Solution: faux.

- Okay, I'm done.

This whole show is insane.

You haven't shown me one apartment I can afford

- and... and now this?

- Okay.

This is aspirational TV.

No one in America wants to see what you can afford.

You are just wasting my time.

And guys, he's wasting your time, too.

- [MOUTHING]

- And just so you know, America, I can do a lot better than a guy who talks about his cats, and their many moods in between takes.

And speaking of faux, that's a sock in his pants.

Yeah, wardrobe told me.

Starting to sound a lot like hell hath no fury like a wo...

Ow!

Cut.

♪

- Ugh!

- Kelsey.

Rob.

Clare's ex.

How are you?

Do you know what they're doing in your building on the th floor, that TV show?

I'm guessing you're gonna tell me.

That stupid reality show where we're supposed to pretend we're gonna find our dream home, but instead they humiliate you and won't let you quit.

So you are one of their clients.

I...

I did not know that.

- So you're in on this?

- I work with them.

Yeah, and all the big developers do.

We gotta move these apartments.

Unbelievable.

Well, you know what?

Next time you try to sell an apartment to a publisher, don't line the walls with decapitated books.

[CHUCKLES]

No wonder Clare dumped you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ For me, the real spirit of Vassar is in the young people it educates.

Now, I've met some of them tonight, and there's one young lady in particular who is in perfect tune with our cherished alma mater, and I wanna thank her.

I want to thank all of you.

Now I have a dessert to finish.

- Good night, everybody.

- [APPLAUSE]

Wow.

Hot millionaire.

Respect, man.

Was that shout out for me?

- Yeah.

- Thank you for that and for this...

really, thank you so much.

Aw, anything for a Troublemaker.

Speaking of teeth, how's your relationship with yours?

Cordial.

'Cause I'm launching a teeth whitening company.

Right now, we're just kinda putting together the synergy, the vertical integration, and the metrics.

- The metrics.

- I'd love to explain it all to you, walk you through my vision for America's mouth.

You know, the healthcare segment is one of the certainties of our time.

So take this card.

She's the head of my VC firm.

Venture capital firm.

Mm.

She might be able to smooth out your learning curve.

Or vice versa.

I'm always very happy to share my expertise.

Thank you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Hey.

- Hey.

I just...

I just wanted to say thank you.

- Aw.

- And I don't know, I just...

I wish I understood you better.

Hell, I know.

I've written two books about me, and I can tell you,

- bitch is unpredictable.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

No, I'm serious.

I wanna think that you've changed and Charles obviously does, but you kinda built a trap for me the night of your book launch, and I fell into it.

Are you that person or this one?

[SCOFFS]

You need to remember that you were digging for dirt on me in order to get between me and Charles, so I had to play rough.

I knew it didn't look great, but when it comes to him, I'd rather save my ass than my face.

Doesn't he deserve that?

Yes.

Look, you may not know me, but I know who you are.

You're Maria von Trapp, you're sweetness and light, and pillow fights and guitars, and I am just not that.

Whether I like it or not, I'm the baroness.

Nobody roots for the baroness.

But what they always forget is the baroness loved the Captain.

She loved him very much.

Good night, Liza.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Hi.

- Hey.

Funny thing, I meant to tell you that I had breakfast with Dylan Park at Marlow and Sons the other day.

Oh, how did she like your notes?

Good.

Great.

Yeah.

But as we were leaving, we ran into Lottie from "Vulture," and I pitched a piece about INKubator for their site.

I thought, let 'em run a sidebar or a chapter of Dylan's book.

Dylan was fine with it if we are... anything we want.

Huh.

I mean, I think that could work.

Ohh, thank God, 'cause Lottie kinda jumped the g*n and it dropped today, a half-hour ago.

- What?

Oh, my God.

- I know.

But read the comments.

They love it.

Lottie says it's already driving a lot of traffic to the site.

She wants another chapter.

Are you mad?

Oh, my God.

They love it.

Oh, my God!

Our little INKubator is taking off.

I know.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Oh, my God, can you stop these?

Whoa.

What are you talking about?

Look at these tweets.

I've read nicer things about me on the wall of the men's room in high school.

I mean, at least they were more accurate.

Wait, trans-phobic?

You're not trans-phobic.

No, no, but I guess I triggered some students when I mentioned my old show, you know, "Gypsies, Trannies, and Thieves."

Uhh...

Did you use air quotes, at least?

I know, I know.

But it's what we used to call each other back in the day.

I mean, technically, we don't say gypsy anymore, either.

It's Romani or traveller.

But, hey, thieves is still okay, though.

You know, that's my problem.

I've never been a tiptoe person, but, you know, thank God, 'cause that show put me on the map.

- It's not adult ed, is it?

- No.

All right, 'cause if you're teaching a bunch of college students, I don't think these tweets came from them.

- How can you tell?

- You got Twitter for desktop, um, this quote from Leslie Stahl, and the lingo... who says, razzamatazz?

[LAUGHS]

If you ask me, you made one real enemy, and they're definitely too old to be a student.

[SIGHS]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Give me this.

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

Oh, my God.

- I gotta go.

I'll call you later.

- Okay.

Razzamatazz.

♪ - Can I have a word with you, Dean?

- Yes, come in.

Listen, I'm afraid the situation is going sideways.

We've had more tweets.

Ooh, your poor little fingers.

It must be really hard typing razzamatazz.

So many Z's.

I'm sorry.

I don't understand.

I know it was you.

"Groovy," "right on" and a quote from Billie Jean King.

This was all you.

You set me up, because you didn't believe me about Kamila.

Of course I don't believe you.

She gave me a bust of herself last Christmas.

Why would she give me another one?

You pressured her, to send you photos of her bosom.

And worse than that, you are damaging these kids with your antiquated views.

[CHUCKLES]

Me?

Antiquated?

You wear rouge and told me to pack my valise

- for Provincetown.

- Well, guess what?

You can unpack it, 'cause you're fired.

You brought this on yourself.

And I don't blame Kamila, poor thing, she's vulnerable, she's struggling, you took advantage, she's trying to overcome her sexual blocks.

Oh, she overcomes all right, like the flume ride at Coney Island, like a broken shower head, like an open fire hydrant in a hot city street.

- Get out!

- No.

You know what?

Not without my clay tits.

Oh, excuse me... my clay bosom.

Ciao.

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

Kelsey?

I meant to decline, I'm sorry.

Bye Hang on, hang on.

I just wanted to let you know that you are out of the show, and they've agreed not to run your episode.

Are you serious?

How did that happen?

Eight of the next ten locations are in my buildings.

I call it leverage, I think they call it blackmail,

- Potato, potahto.

- Well, thank you.

- You're welcome.

- And I learned my lesson here, you know, reality is not my friend.

I learned a lesson, too.

Next time I stage an apartment, I'm gonna use real books.

[LAUGHS]

I was thinking maybe you could help me pick some out.

You want books, Rob, I will send you a list, along with a link to a little trade secret we call Amazon.

Hey, I live on Amazon, but I was thinking of maybe supporting a nice independent bookstore.

I recycle, got bamboo sheets, I'm pretty left-wing for a money-hungry real estate developer, if you grade on a curve.

There is literally nothing you could say that would persuade me to get within five feet of someone in Manhattan real estate.

I've got two things.

One: no cameras.

And two: I will only buy Empirical books.

No, uh...

Not Empirical, Millennial books.

I'd like to be loyal to the classic brands.

[SIGHS]

Meet me at Little Shop, : p.m.

♪ Hi.

Lauren wanted some promo copies.

I can't believe the sales.

And no daggers this time.

I just got off the phone with Caitlin.

She said you arranged an internship for her this summer with Mind Palace podcasts.

It's my pleasure.

When you're a soprano, you have to love your altos.

They're the frame.

- [LAUGHS]

- And she's a great kid.

I'm assuming mostly thanks to you.

David's not so bad.

- Not to her, anyway.

- [LAUGHS]

I had a David... a Harry actually.

But I got rid of him as soon as I figured that out.

Harry?

He's not in your books.

Not my happiest memory.

God, I thought I was so smart bailing early, but maybe you was smarter.

You stayed, you did the marriage thing, and you got Caitlin out of the deal.

I do a lot of deals, but I don't have a Caitlin.

Probably never will.

Quinn...

Of course, not going through childbirth has certain compensations.

Everything down here is exactly the way God and my waxer Fabian made me.

Hmm.

See, don't worry, I'm still me.

See you later.

♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, just wait till I go ♪

Oh, this is enough for ten bookshelves, if I cut 'em in half.

Ha, ha.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, well, it was fun.

My train's on the corner.

Oh, no, no, Freddie can take you anywhere you want.

Home or maybe dinner with a friendly book lover.

You dated Clare.

We broke up last month.

Oh, wow, a whole days.

Are you even close with Clare?

- What's her last name?

- Uhh, something Irish?

O'Something...

McSomething.

- Oh, nope.

- [LAUGHS]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

What if I call you tomorrow?

Is the magic number, or is it day ?

I can count really high.

It's a hard pass.

Thank you, though, and my authors, they thank you, too.

Tell them they're welcome.

♪ Okay.

Well, good night.

O'Reilly!

Clare O'Reilly.

O'Brien.

Good night, Kelsey.

♪ [UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ One, two, whoo ♪

It's probably a good thing.

You're an artist.

And the whole teaching thing might have become this great distraction.

Yeah, you know what they say, those who can't do teach, right?

Yeah, and those who do the Dean's wife, can't.

- [LAUGHS]

- You know, you're right and this show is who I am, I can't wait to see...

Hey, what are you doing with that sign?

Maggy Amato's been canceled.

- No, you mean postponed.

- No, canceled.

Not just the show, the person...

she's canceled.

Have you read what they've been saying about her on Twitter?

Who are you?

Nobody, I guess.

♪ I'm off the radar ♪

Next time on "Younger"...

- Who would we be working with?

- Both of us.

- It'll be a double date.

- Ha.

Liza, this is really good.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

He proposed?

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'm not really looking for a complicated dating situation.

Clare and I ended things amicably.

And have you asked Clare how she feels about that?

Well, it's never too late to be what you might have been.

You believe that's true?

I should've seen this coming.

♪