02x03 - Notorious

[bunniefuu]

(girl) Ah, Eric, yes.
That feels so good!

Don't stop!

OK, we found my brother.

This personality profile of our
new principal is superlative.

Well, the man lives next door.
Glad I could give some help.

Yes. Well, you give
a wonderful neck massage.

You know, Molly, I'm more than just
a pair of strong, masculine hands.

Well, of course you are,
my little cabana boy.

Well, finis!

No, no. It's "Feeny."

His name is Feeny.

"Finis" is French for "finished."

Ha-ha, the French...
our neighbors to the north.

- Hello!
- Not now, I'm working.

- You said you'd drive us home.
- (screams)

Hey, babe,
you're wiggin' out the rats!

Rats?

Yeah. We're studying
natural selection.

We're gonna see
if rats know the difference

between natural cheddar
and "I can't believe it's not cheese!"

Yep, our D-plus rests
on furry little Shawn and Cory.

- You named them after yourselves?
- Yeah.

Shawn's the one chewing the lock.
I'm the one with the skin disease.

Keep your little vermin away from
tomorrow's edition of the school paper.

Yeah. Come on, let's go,
all four of you rats.

Um... all three of us rats.

Little Shawn broke out?
I got him, I got him.

- He wants to kiss you!
- (screams)

Please! He loves you!

Come on, you kissed my brother!

Hey, thank you.
Thank you very much.

I finally get a brainy girl interested
in me, and you guys screw it up!

Oh, pull.

Hey, that floor's real
slick out there. Just...

(screams/thud)

Good.

Well, I gotta get home.

I promised Mom I'd cr*ck her back
before American Gladiators.

What are you doing, Cor?

Check it out!

Oh! A screen full of Feen!

He's gonna be on the front
page of the school paper?

Won't it scare children?

It won't scare 'em if he's...

- ...teeny!
- Oh!

This has definite possibilities.

- Let me in there.
- OK.

OK, new principal is...

...beeny, deeny,

geeny, leeny...

Ha!

"New Principal is Weeny!"

Can you imagine ,
students reading this?

Power... ultimate power.

Yeah, but we would never...

- Would we?
- Power!

We'd be notorious!
We would be legends!

- What do you mean?
- Well, what are we now?

We are lowly seventh-grade
sewer scum

who name rats after ourselves
to feel important.

And how do you feel about that?

Better than the guys with no rats!

Hey, Cor, wouldn't you
rather be something special...

...or would you rather be us?

Shawn, power like that
in the wrong hands... it's dangerous.

All right.
Come on, let's go.

Yeah, wrong hands, wrong hands.

(laughter)

Hey, look at this.

His name's Feeny.
They wrote "Weeny."

I'm laughin'.
You laughin'?

Oh, yeah. I was just
thinkin' of laughin'.

I would've been laughin' already
but I was too busy

listening to you, Harley.
But I think I'm ready now.

(laughing)

The guy who could cook up
somethin' like that...

now, that's a guy I'd like
to have hangin' with me.

He'd be a great addition
to our organization.

Well, yeah.
He could stand right here.

I'm thinkin' he could stand
right where you're standin'.

Well, then, where would Joey stand?

Oh.

Am I goin' for a ride?

Excuse me, Harley.

Sir, about that guy
you wanted to meet...

Did I say you could eavesdrop
on a senior conversation?

Did your little seventh-grade ears

hear something they
shouldn't have heard?

For your sake, I truly hope not.

Yeah, 'cause Harley's got
a whole locker full of ears

from guys who've
done the same thing.

Their glasses hang crooked now
'cause they got no ears!

- How much to keep the ears?
- A buck.

Thank you!

Shawn, are you farther gone
than I ever would've imagined?

No, no. I'm not gone.
I've arrived!

I am known!
I rule this school!

My fame here will live forever.

Except nobody knows you did this.

What, you think that bothers me?

I know I did it,
and that's good enough for me.

I wonder who did this?

If it was my boyfriend,
I would do anything for him.

Oh, it's k*lling me!

OK, The Scarlet Letter...

Hester Prynne has a red letter "A"
on her dress.

Now, everybody knows what
the "A" stands for, right?

Boring?

Hey, everybody,
don't laugh at Matthews, OK?

He's never seen an A before.

OK, the buzz is all over
the Massachusetts Colony

that Hester has taken
the pure out of Puritan.

It's scandal. It's gossip. It could've come
right out of today's headlines.

(laughter)

Ahem.

Mr. Feeny, good morning.

Actually, Mr. Turner, I've had better.

You see, I have been forced
on this particular morning

to go from room to room,
asking anyone with information

about this little journalistic prank...

...to come forward. Hmm?

I will go a lot easier
on the perpetrator

if he or she or they
voluntarily confess.

No?

Very well. I will now return
you to your lecture on...

...on the letter "A."

Keep up the good work.

Eric, my son, how was your day?

Oh, wow, that's pretty hysterical.

Yeah, I laughed at it myself.

My girlfriend, however,
failed to see the humor.

She said her efforts
at journalistic excellence

have been forever compromised
by my limited intellect

and profound immaturity.

- And what did you say?
- I said, "Bite me."

So, you're back on the market.
You'll find someone.

Dad, I was dating the editor
of the school newspaper.

It was a status relationship.
It made me somebody special.

Eric, I think you're somebody special.

Oh, you have to. You had me
and you're stuck with me.

Well, that's true.
But sooner or later,

love will softly sneak up on you
and wrap you in its gentle embrace.

You forgot to clean out the garage.

And it's a beautiful thing.

Oh, look, George is
on the cover... oh.

Weeny!

Isn't that the greatest thing
you ever saw?

- No.
- Second greatest?

It says "Weeny"!

- How could this have happened?
- I don't know!

Molly proofread the whole
thing right before...

- Wait a minute.
- You're lying! You have no proof.

You were the last one
in the newspaper office

before the disks went to the printers.

Cory, did you have
something to do with this?

No. I did not do this,
nor did I do it.

Weeny!
It says "Weeny"!

I can read!

I don't understand this.

How can you... what is there
not to understa... Molly, hi!

Get out of my sight,
you vermicular miscreant.

So, how's it goin' with Molly?

There's no talking to her.
She's a vicious, humorless man k*ller

who leaves nothing
but a trail of misery

and crushed hearts in her wake.

So, it's OK if I call her?

Jason, I'm through with women
for my junior year, OK?

The next time you see me about to
fall in love with some beautiful,

heartless bag of misery,
I want you to talk me down.

You got it.
And can I call her?

- Oh!
- Ugh!

- My shoes!
- Your shoes? My shoes!

- I just bought mine!
- I just bought mine in New York.

- Oh, my pants!
- My blouse!

My hair...

My, my!

My, oh, my!

Uh, bag of misery,
bag of misery, bag of misery.

Yeah, I know.
You're right.

I'm sorry I bumped into you.
I'll just get out of your way.

Oh, well, that's a shame,

because my family just
moved here from Atlanta,

and it's my senior year
in a brand new school,

and I'm just so utterly, utterly lost.

- You're a senior?
- Misery bag!

- Senior!
- Old misery bag.

Look, I know.
You're right.

- Are you doing anything right now?
- No.

Well, then, you're gonna
want to get these.

Desiree Emmeline
Hollinger Beaumont,

but you may call me "Desiree."

Eric Matthews.

You may call me "Desiree."

OK, a rumor
was going around school

that the "weeny" headline
was just a typo...

that nobody did it, like I don't exist.

Check it out.
Now I exist.

I am somebody!

Oh!

What a beauty, huh?

Oh!

I snuck in early
this morning and changed it.

Looks like the real thing, doesn't it?

Except for this drip.

Shawn, Shawn, Shawn,
you're out of control!

Yeah, I am.
Tell your friends.

There's your man, Mr. Weeny.

Mr. Feeny, I did not paint this "W."

And the headline
in the school newspaper?

- It wasn't me!
- Mr. Matthews,

our own esteemed Janitor Bud
placed you at the scene of the crime.

I seen him with my good eye.

- Well, that'll be all, Janitor Bud.
- Aye, aye, sir.

Out of my way,
you little puke machines!

Scene of the crime?

Janitor Bud said he saw you
and another boy

toying with the computer after school.

Unfortunately, he didn't get
a good look at your accomplice.

Mr. Feeny, I'm totally innocent.

My hands are clean!

Oh!

I didn't do it, I swear!

All right, then give me
the name of the person who did.

I see.

Mr. Matthews, you have until
the end of school tomorrow

to give me the perpetrator's name.

Otherwise, you will be suspended.

Hey, how you folks doin'?

- Better than you.
- Mr. Feeny called.

He told us he's meeting with you
in his office tomorrow.

He also said to ask you
what it's about.

OK, look.

I am in this sort of a situation
and I don't exactly know what to do.

Well, if you want to,
you could talk to us.

'Cause we're gonna make you.

All right. I've got this friend
who's pulled a major scam at school.

- Shawn.
- Not Shawn.

- Shawn!
- Fine, Mom, think it's Shawn,

because that protects
the kid it really is.

- Anyway, this kid did something.
- With a newspaper headline.

Yeah, it could be.

Now, Mr. Feeny...
he knows I didn't do it,

but he also thinks he knows
I know who did do it.

- Shawn.
- Not Shawn.

- Shawn!
- Amy, he says it's not Shawn.

- I believe him.
- Obviously it's Shawn.

Well, I don't care who it is.
A friend does not rat out a friend.

What are you, in a prison movie?
There are consequences.

Oh, what's the worst
that Feeny can do?

Well, he's threatening
to suspend me.

Oh, great, a big red "S"
on his permanent record.

Oh, nobody looks at that.
Who looks at that?

Some colleges he applies to.

Any college will let you in
as long as you have enough money.

- Do we have enough money?
- No.

You have to rat out
your friend 'cause we're poor.

What possessed Shawn
to do something like this?

I don't know. He just wanted
to be someone special,

and not some
seventh-grade nothing.

Maybe when you get a little older
and a little more mature,

maybe you'll realize
that stunts and gimmicks

are not what make you special.

I'm dating a senior.
I'm special!

I am fabulous. I have a tremendous
newfound sense of self-worth.

- Nothing bad can happen, right?
- (all) No, no.

Good!

Mr. Matthews, I trust you're
not forgetting our : meeting.

Come on, Mr. Feeny.

It was just a little prank.

Don't you think you're maybe
taking it too seriously?

Ah. You think I'm acting
like a weenie, Mr. Matthews.

- Am I acting like a weenie?
- You know I didn't do anything.

But I know you know who did,
and until you tell me who it is,

the only person
I can talk to is you.

- : , Mr. Matthews.
- : , Mr. Feeny.

- Did you tell him?
- What do you think?

- Thanks, man.
- You're welcome.

'Cause it was just
a little prank, right?

And nothing else is ever
gonna happen again, right?

Right. It's never
gonna happen again.

So, have you seen this?

"Corrections: A typographical error
in our last edition

incorrectly named the new
principal as Mr. George Weeny."

- Good, it's over.
- Read on, little buddy.

"His true name is...

"...Weeny Weeny.

"Weeny, Weeny, Weeny, Weeny,
Weeny, Weeny, Weeny, Weeny.

"Continued on page
three, column one.

Weeny!"

- Are you completely deranged?
- Yes, I am.

- But I didn't do this.
- You didn't?

No! Somebody ripped my idea.

I'll never be a legend now.

I'm laughin'.
I'm hysterical.

I'm rolling on the floor.

It has imagination.
It has daring.

It has a certain kind of... flair.

You hear that, Frankie?
Harley says we got flair.

This was your work?

Well, you know how you said
it was gonna be somebody else

standin' here instead of me and Frankie
standin' here, and, well,

maybe it was just
the motivation we needed.

We did it for you.

May I say that right now,

I'm having a moment.

I wanna blow my nose on that kid.

Yo, kid, it's your lucky day!

Now, after school, you can
drive me down to the mall,

because I have no idea
where anything is yet.

And while I'm investigating
the finer stores,

you can take my new kitten
that Daddy bought me,

and have him neutered.

Who's your little Georgia peach?

You are.

And who's my little Yankee Doodle?

I am.

Ooh, whoo!
On the cheek!

She's a senior!

Is that why you're getting neutered?

The cat's getting neutered.

Maybe you can get
a two-for-one deal.

- Or am I too late?
- Hey, hey.

This happens to be a relationship
between two complete equals.

Do you know, my little puff pastry,

there's just a lick of winter in the air?

Would you mind, before picking
me up, just drivin' around the block

for minutes while the heater's on,

so the inside of the car's
all nice and toasty?

Would you do that for me?

Say, "Yes, puddin'."

Yes...

I believe the woman wants puddin'.

...puddin'.

Oh, you know, I hope
that when I get a girlfriend,

she respects me the exact
same way she respects you.

And if I do, I want you to...

...drive your car around
the block for minutes

till the heater gets
all nice and toasty...

...and then I want you to run me over.

Would you do that for me, puddin'?

So, you gonna be sh**t'
some hoops today after school?

I can't. I got this little meeting
with Mr. Feeny where he's gonna ask me

some questions about
something I didn't do.

And if I don't tell him who did,
I get suspended.

And I totally appreciate
you doing this for me.

I mean, after I blew up
that mailbox last year,

Dad said one more screwup and he'd
ship me off to m*llitary school.

You know, I can only
cover for you for so long.

How long?

"Weeny, Weeny, Weeny, Weeny,

"Weeny, Weeny...

...and Weeny."

Don't be late, Mr. Matthews.

Go easy on 'em, George.
They're at a new school.

As am I, Mr. Turner, as am I.

So in the end, Hester Prynne is faced
with a pretty tough decision, huh?

Does she rat on the person who's
responsible for her predicament,

or does she keep his secret
and face the scorn of society?

Pretty relevant stuff.
Eh, Matthews? Eh, Hunter?

Sir! It stood for adultery, sir!

I was practicing for m*llitary school.

(bell rings)

Matthews, hang for a minute,
will you?

I can't, sir. I've got
a date with destiny.

You could be late.
What's Feeny gonna do, suspend you?

He's going so psycho
over this, don't you think?

I think when you're new
at a school like you and me,

first impressions really stick.
They decide your reputation.

What if tomorrow you
raised your hand and I said,

- "What do you want, booger?"
- Would you do that?

It'd probably follow you
all through high school.

Maybe all your life people
would call you "booger."

- Would you do that?
- I'm the teacher.

I can do whatever I want. I wield
the power to inform and to influence.

So do people who make
funny newspaper headlines

about the principal who's
new in school, like you and me.

So you're saying
I should squeal on my friend?

- No, I'm not.
- So I should cover for him?

- I'm not saying that, either.
- So, what are you saying?

I was hoping you'd know.

You're not really gonna
call me "booger," are you?

I'll see how I feel.

Listen, about the headline and all...

well, I'm sorry for what happened.

Must've hurt being called...
you know.

Wasn't as if I never heard it before.

It was practically
my nickname growing up.

Uh, that's not to leave this room.

I guess it's more of
a big deal than I thought.

As principal of this high school,
I'm expected to keep order.

Unchecked, these pranks
undermine my authority

and breed disrespect.

So I guess I get punished
for something I didn't do.

Name the person who did,
and you walk out of here scot-free.

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

You thought about this,
and that's your final decision?

Yeah.

You've decided that protecting
a friendship is more important

than the grisly punishment
I shall now dispense?

Mr. Feeny, he didn't mean
to hurt anyone.

He just wanted to do something that
would make him somebody special.

Ah.

To be somebody special is a quality
from within, Mr. Matthews.

To give you an example,
I think it's a very rare quality

for you to put a friend's
welfare before your own.

But, just a second ago,
you wanted me to rat on him.

As the new principal, yes.
But as your teacher,

as someone who lived next door
and watched you grow up...

...I never expected it for a moment.

- So how long am I suspended for?
- You're not.

Detention for five days.
One day for each letter in "weeny."

Which, in this instance,
should properly be spelled

W-E-E-N-I-E.

Shouldn't it, Mr. Hunter?

- You told him?
- What do you think?

I think you wouldn't.

I'm an idiot!

He refused to rat you out,
Mr. Hunter,

and he now faces a week
of detention in your honor.

But the punishment for not
being caught, Mr. Hunter,

is far, far worse.

I did it, Mr. Feeny.
I confess!

I will be watching you every moment
of your high school career.

Which, in your case,
could be decades.

- But I just confessed.
- Too late, Mr. Hunter.

You are my new special friend.

Why didn't you turn me in?