05x06 - Sex, Liza and Rock & Roll

[bunniefuu]

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, yeah ♪

Liza! Liza, come here, quick!

What's wrong? What is it?

The curators for the Whitney
Biennial just called!

I've been chosen for their next show!

- Oh, my God!
- It's like the Super Bowl

of the art world.

- It finally happened!
- Oh! Whoo-hoo!

They're gonna announce it
tonight at a cocktail party.

Is it too early for champagne?

Mimosas are breakfast-y.

Let's just hold the OJ.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

Whoo! Okay.

[ROCK MUSIC]


♪ ♪

"ARTnews" is reporting that

Maggie Amato is a last-minute addition

to the Whitney Biennial.

- Isn't she your roommate?
- Yes.

There's a cocktail party tonight.

I know, Liza. I'm a Fellow.

I'd bring you, but I have a date.

- Enzo?
- Yes.

I'm bringing a blue collar
companion to a black tie event.

Well, at least I'll
finally meet this Maggie.

Finally. Yay.

Morning, Diana.

Liza.

Coffee, anyone?

Um, table any marketing plans

for Chrissie Hart's memoir.

We still don't have pages.

The Chrissie Hart?

I loved her music.

The, uh, pitch was so extraordinary.

Maybe we got blinded by the bidding w*r.

I mean, since Chrissie
missed her delivery date,

we could claim breach of
contract and walk away.

A rock and roll tell-all
from Chrissie Hart?

This could be the next "Just Kids."

I don't want to lose this book.

Let's... let's set up a Skype call.

"Let's" means you.

Yes.

♪ ♪

We need to see pages, Chrissie.

What stage are you at?

It's written.

See?

Whole thing. [LAUGHS]

I swear to God, I just, like,

punctured the skin,

it came oozing out of me.

Well, can you...

sop it up and email it?

Wh... what, on the internet?

What, are you high?

I'm not sending this on the internet.

I don't trust the internet.

Those naked pictures of
me, those were leaked.

Nothing is safe.

Julian Assange told me that.

I mean, he was out of
his mind at the time,

but he made some pretty solid arguments.

We could send a messenger?

Yeah, now you're talking, man.

Why don't you send Charles?

Charles, huh?

I would like to hand my baby,

my book, to the man I
made the deal with.

Of course.

I'll come up to Shelter Island today.

All right.

See you in a bit.

Charles, I will cancel my plans,

brave the deer ticks, and accompany you.

I know a very quaint bed and breakfast.

We can bike to Chrissie's house.

I can handle it, but, uh...

this book better be good.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Thoughts on Jake's first chapter?

You first.

How can Obama's speech writer,

with the skills to evoke
passion and pride,

write this snooze fest?

- It definitely needs work.
- Work?

If the rest of his book reads like this,

we're screwed.

All right, let's get him on the phone.

Okay, you're too fired up.

I will email him notes.

He's been to Afghanistan.
He can handle a call.

[SIGHS]

[SPEED DIAL BEEPING]

[LINE RINGING]

Hey, I was just thinking about you.

I just checked into the hotel.

Jake, um, it's Kelsey and Zane,

- your editors.
- Uh, oh, hey.

Sorry, I thought this was somebody else.

What... um, what's up?

We're calling to discuss your chapter.

It's... it's a solid
start, and we both...

You're a busy man, so
let's cut to the chase.

It needs more energy.

Humor, scandal. All right?

We're competing with Russian
hookers and golden showers.

Uh... okay.

Uh, Kelsey, what do you think?

I... I think Zane's right.

It could benefit from some
insightful observations

paired with cherry-picked anecdotes

about your time spent
in the White House.

Wh... what we're saying is,

goose this sh*t up.

Right now, it's meek and kind of bland.

I don't really like your tone, Zane.

I don't like your chapter.

Jake, we're gonna call you back.

You realize you're not getting paid

to lose authors here, right?

I'm playing bad cop, all right?

You're too easy on him.

Let me carry the ball here.

Trust me. I know how to handle him.

You better, okay?

This book is all I have right now.

Then let me do my job.

[DANCE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

♪ ♪

Hello?

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Chrissie?

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's good. No, no, no. Not too much.

Dude. Dude, dude, dude, dude.

That was so intense.

I mean, oh, my God.

Hey, man. How you doing?

Hi.

Thank you for the, uh, the invitation.

Oh, yeah. My pleasure, man.

- Thanks for coming out.
- Yeah.

So I would love to return to the city

- with the book tonight, so...
- Wait, can I...

before we talk business,

I need your honest
opinion about something,

because my people are
never straight with me.

Um, sure.

I want you to taste my booch.

I'm sorry. Your what? Your boo...

- [LAUGHS]
- [RINGS BELL]

Mirna!

What did I say?

When the guests appear,

freshly brewed Kombucha tea.

Check it out.

Thank you.

What do you think?

- Strong.
- [LAUGHS]

All right, dude. Hit me.

Ten more hertz. Ease me into it.

Oh, God. Ahh-rah!

[DANCE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[LAUGHS] This is next-level, Mags.

You have officially arrived.

I am so proud of you.

♪ ♪

Hey... what?

[SIGHS] I don't know, I...

I guess I just stopped
dreaming about this, you know?

It's always been someone else's turn,

and now it's finally mine.

It doesn't feel real.

It's real, and you deserve it.

Oh, thank you.

Aww, get in on it.

Love you guys.

And you, Liza,

you bought my first
piece, you and David.

[SCOFFS] Back when he had some money.

God, he hated it.

But it just made me love it more.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Liza!

Who is that woman screeching at you?

Uh, that's Diana.

[LAUGHING] Oh, that's Diana.

Now I finally get it.

[LAUGHS] Excuse me.

Check these.

Oh, so you are going to Shelter Island.

No. Staten Island.

Enzo has invited me to stay over.

I haven't "stayed over"
a man's place since...

When did Baby Jessica
fall down that well?

Yikes! What did you pack?

Just the essentials.

Toothbrush, change of clothes,

room spray, sheets.

Well, are you staying
over or redecorating?

Liza, I don't know what to expect.

I need to prepare for polyester,

but it is worth the risk.

The man may be a plumber,

but he sure can... plumb my depths.

- You know what I mean when I...
- I understand.

Shh. Here he comes.

- Hey.
- Hi.

[SMOOCHES]

Oh, ain't she something?

She sure is.

The coat check is over there.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

And a certain...

British director gave me this.

That's not all he gave me.

Gonorrhea.

Saves you from asking.

I, uh... I wasn't going to.

Um, so the book is...

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Check this out.

Check this out.

th century

Zulu warrior.

- Wow.
- [AIR WHOOSHING]

I'm kidding. It's Joey Ramone.

It's Joey Ramone. Ehh! Joey!

- Right. Um...
- Looking good!

So the... so the book is, in fact, here?

Have you ever seen

a $ , dildo?

Come on.

Hmm?

[BOX SLAMS]

What I really want to see

is... the book.

Now, Chrissie.

It's from the pharaohs.

You really hated the chapter, huh?

Not at all.

Listen, your voice on the podcast

is... is charming

and funny and...

it makes me laugh about politics.

[LAUGHS]

Okay? I want readers to...

get that same feeling that I got

the first time I heard it.

Can we take a recess?

I find it very hard to focus

with a bed five feet away.

And that is why I suggested

that we work in the business center.

[CLEARS THROAT] Okay.

Before we go, I just... I have to ask.

Is... besides the book,

is there, you know, somebody
else stopping us from...

No.

But this book is very important, Jake.

And when it's all done,

we can talk about you and me.

Okay, good.

Because ever since we met, I...

have been very attracted to you, Kelsey.

You're intelligent, and
you are ambitious,

- and you are gorgeous...
- And we're packing,

and we're moving.

[LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

Maggie Amato. Diana Trout.

I have heard so much about you.

Likewise.

That is a stunning necklace.

You know, Liza never told
me how chic you are.

Oh, I'm sure I did.

Well, Liza's generation
has no concept of style.

It's all rompers and fanny packs.

- Yeah.
- Sorry to interrupt,

but we just had to say hello.

We are avid fans, Maggie.

Penelope, Luca, that
means the world to me.

Thank you so much.

We want a piece.

Please...

- call us.
- I will. Thanks.

[GASPS]

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go

soak up some more champagne

and praise.

Oh, Charles texted.

"Still no book. Chrissie's
stonewalling me.

Have to stay the night." [SCOFFS]

He is too important to be
held hostage by that maniac.

[SIGHS] Well, my bag is packed.

I do love that inn.

Diana, stay at Enzo's.

Like you said, he's worth the risk.

And what about Charles?

I'll go.

Ah, I know why you want to go.

You do?

To hound Chrissie for an autograph.

Well, don't, Liza. Be professional.

Busted. [LAUGHS]

You know me too well.

[RELAXED MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

This is my place.

- "Casa mia."
- [SIGHS]

It's been in the family for
a couple of generations.

It's so clean... spacious.

That's island living, baby.

You should see the master bedroom.

♪ ♪

I intend to.

♪ ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[KNOCKS]

♪ ♪

Hello?

♪ ♪

[QUIETLY] Wow.

Hello?

Liza?

What are you doing here?

Uh, Diana said you were having problems

and asked me to come help.

Plus, I'm a huge Chrissie Hart fangirl.

I know all of her songs.

♪ I'm howlin' at the moon ♪

♪ I'm running back to you ♪

♪ Crazy love ♪

♪ Buh-buh, da-da-da-da, da-da... ♪

Did your babysitter
teach you those lyrics?

And... who the hell is this?

Chrissie.

This is Liza Miller,

one of our finest editors.

Uh-huh.

I'll leave you to, uh...

get acquainted.

Wow.

Um, Chrissie, I am such a huge fan.

I hope you're not here to cock-block,

'cause I plan to bang
his brains out tonight.

Great.

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Wait, Jake was Michelle Obama's lookout

while she hurled at
Beyoncé's birthday party?

Yes! [GIGGLES] It's insane, right?

[CHUCKLES] Wait.

I think we could switch
these around, though.

- Agreed.
- Mm.

Don't need this or this.

Totally, but overall...

so far, the chapter reads much better.

So much better.

How did you get him to open up so much?

I'm a very skilled editor.

Oh, my God.

This guy took his grandma
to the inauguration.

He is such a wet blanket.

No, he's not.

He's nice.

Exactly. "Nice."

That is code for dull.

Look, I see the way he looks at you.

Poor guy.

If only he knew.

Knew what?

That you're not into "nice."

[INHALES DEEPLY]

What am I into, Zane?

Please, enlighten me,

since you know me so well.

[SIGHS]

You want someone

who isn't intimidated
by your intelligence...

You're not wrong.

Someone who challenges you,

but also makes you happy...

sometimes twice in one night.

[SCOFFS QUIETLY]

Mm.

So someone like you.

Stop toying with my emotions.

You have those?

[ROUSING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ALONG WITH RECORDING]
♪ I could go away ♪

♪ ♪

This is a demo

from "Penis Flytrap."

What do you think? You like it?

Love it!

Yeah, well, I was asking Charles.

Oh, I love it. Great.

Strong.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, I love it.

[QUIETLY] Don't leave me alone with her.

[QUIETLY] Oh, now you want me here?

What are you guys whispering about, huh?

Oh, uh, we were just wondering

when we're gonna get to see the book!

You, um...

you said lunchtime, which was wine,

and then you said teatime,
which was absinthe

and your take on "Stranger Things."

- Yeah. Mirna!
- [BELL RINGING]

Bookie-bookie time!

Ask, and you shall receive.

Okay.

Le book.

Okay, not so fast. Let
me just say something.

When I was recording "Lady Pie,"

Ahmet Ertegun, he came
here to get the master,

and he did not leave for three weeks

because I wasn't ready.

I gotta be good and ready

before you take my baby away from me,

and right now, I'm just
feeling kind of ready.

♪ ♪

Okay.

I'm gonna create a diversion,

and then you grab the book,

and then we'll run.

Are you crazy?

We are too drunk to read
it, let alone drive.

[STAMMERING] All right.

I saw on an episode
of "m*rder She Wrote"

that if you eat a stick of butter

before you start drinking,
then you don't get drunk.

[LAUGHING] How old are you?

[LAUGHING]

[BELL RINGING]

Get this out of my sight!

- Get this away.
- No, no, no, no.

- Lock it up.
- No...

Could I check... I...

Distracting.

- ♪ Where did you go and stay... ♪
- [THUD]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

♪ Why did you go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Why did you go ♪

♪ What did you know ♪

[BELL RINGING]

♪ Why did you go ♪

It was, uh, nice to see you laugh.

Huh. [CHUCKLES]

Well, hopefully, there'll be, uh,

fewer antics tomorrow and we'll, uh,

and we'll get the book.

Good night.

When are you gonna trust me again?

I don't want to do this right now, Liza.

Just talk to me. Please, Charles.

Just... yell, if that will help.

[INHALES DEEPLY] The silence...

is just... I just don't know
how much more I can take.

If you're trying to punish me,

it's working.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

Night, Liza.

♪ ♪

Good night.

♪ ♪

♪ And my tears won't fall for you ♪

♪ Like I did ♪

♪ And my hands are cut and bruised ♪

♪ I didn't build this wall for two ♪

♪ And my tears won't fall for you ♪

♪ Like I did ♪

♪ And my hands are cut and bruised ♪

♪ I didn't build this wall for two ♪

♪ You know I built this wall for you ♪

♪ I didn't build this wall for two ♪

[ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh. Hello. Uh...

Hey! Morning, sleepyhead.

- Oh.
- Did you meet my chef?

Your chef?

Enzo.

You are full of surprises.

Um, if I could have my
eggs poached, please.

_

What'd you say, Ma?

Wait, "Ma"?

- This is your mother?
- Of course.

And my chef. [SMOOCHES]

Charming. It's... um...

And she... lives with you?

No, I live with her.

Ma, this is Diana, the one
I was telling you about.

_

_

_

[ENZO CHUCKLING]

_

_

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

_

_

You speak Italian!

I lived in Florence for a year.

I studied art history.

I used to love walking
up and down the Arno.

I still remember the
first phrase I learned.

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

"No, I am not a prost*tute."

So...

How old are you?

_

[RELAXED MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, Charles is gone.

He is?

Yeah, Mirna said he
took off this morning.

Oh, g... [SIGHS]

I had no idea.

Ugh. Man.

Ugh!

- Men always run.
- Hmm.

Yes, dude! Walk of Fame!

[GASPS] Ah! That Jake is
a political animal, huh?

Actually...

I backslid last night... with Zane.

Ah.

Who then offered me coffee

and was, like, nice?

Coffee?

The bar for heteros is so low.

Oh, my God. I'm sleeping
with both of them.

- I'm literally the worst.
- What?

No, dude. For double dipping?

Come on. Guys do it all the time.

What? What do we do?

- Kels is polyamorous.
- Wow.

- Really?
- I'm not, okay?

It's just two guys at one time...

not at the same time.

Josh... this is bad.

Hey, don't ask me.

I am a "one woman at
a time" kind of guy.

Right, right, right,
because you definitely

never lusted after Liza

while you were with
that little leprechaun.

Wow. [SCOFFS]

Has anyone seen Liza?

She's on Shelter Island with Charles,

trying to get a memoir
out of Chrissy Hart.

Chrissy Hart? Oh, my God.

I framed her "Rolling Stone" cover...

remember, with the snake
tits... and I-I-I...

I kissed it good night
for an entire year.

Wait, so Liza's with Charles right now?

- For work.
- Yeah. Sure.

- Back to my problems.
- What problem? No.

The nice guy turned out to be sexy.

The sexy guy turned out to be nice.

- That's a win-win.
- Exactly.

- Who am I gonna choose?
- Mm-mm.

No. You don't.

Have them both, diva. Come on.

It's healthier for your flora too.

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I feel safe with you, Liza.

- You got an old soul.
- Ha!

Not wrong.

Uh, since we're so close,

can I, uh... can I ask you

why you won't let go of your book?

Ugh. You know...

I'm scared, man.

I mean, what if people think it's sh*t?

Or worse yet, what if people
don't even care anyway?

- I care.
- Yeah...

Your first album was the
soundtrack to my senior year,

even though I never mastered
the heroin-chic look.

Yeah, well, you're not really mastering

whatever this is anyway.

What I'm trying to say is,

your music is meaningful.

When I was separating from my husband,

I was... I was scared, too,

of being alone, of being old,

but then I played that album,

and those songs

helped me let go of that fear,

and I felt strong and

resilient and myself again.

And this memoir,

your wild tales and adventures,

could do the same for more
people than just your fans.

[SIGHS]

Don't run from this
opportunity, Chrissie.

Then you're no better

than those undeserving
men who ran out on you.

[HEARTFELT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You want me to sign your boobs?

Please.

Yeah.

Pen.

[ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Wait, wait, wait.

How did you get this?

I didn't run away.

♪ Always and always
and always ascending ♪

♪ The chords seem to pause but ahh ♪

♪ ♪