06x04 - An Inside Glob

[bunniefuu]

Oh.

Uh, good morning.

Good morning, Liza. This is Beth.

Hi! It's so nice to meet you, Beth.

Likewise. I finally get
to meet the roommate.

Yoga at 10:00?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Mm.

Uh, is that the vag*na counselor?

Yes. We just finished a session.

Ugh.

And now you're doing yoga.

Wow. I don't even know you anymore.

Oh, we hardly ever see each other,

I mean, now that we're all boo'd up.

We should have a little double date...

me and Beth, you and Charles.

Yeah, I just...

I promise not to call him Chaz.

No, it's not that. It's just...

I'm worried that he...

He might be secretly
funding a new company.

- Chaz?
- I know it sounds crazy.

It's just, there are a lot,
like, of odd coincidences.

Like, he recently took out

a huge mortgage on his town house.

Well, he's going through a divorce.

He probably needs the cash.

- I know. You're right.
- Yeah.

But I... also, I saw
him meeting with Zane.

- Mm-hmm.
- And now this new publishing company

with Zane in charge buys a book

right out from under Millennial.

Eh. Sounds random.

But if you're looking for trouble,

you're probably going to find it.

Okay. Marketing.

I was allotting a certain budget
for Audrey Colbert's advance,

but now that we don't
have that anymore,

what do we have to promote?

Bronwyn Madigan just finished
the final pass on her new book.

"The Seasoned Slut"? Really?

Well, I mean, the
main character's a chef

and also older... and a slut.

- Oh.
- There's a great recipe

for meatloaf in the back.

It's erotica for baby boomers.

Her books did well for Empirical.

Maybe Millennial makes
a bigger push to show

that a female-run company
supports our female authors.

Okay, let's just make sure
that she re-ups her contract.

As the boss, I suggest
you make that happen.

She's a cash cow, and...
Millennial could use the milk.

Did you have to say that?

I did.

Look at this.

He always looks like a dog
that just ate your pizza.

We need to make sure that
we have the funds in place

to compete with him and
whoever's backing this.

Do you think that it could be, like,

one really rich person?

No way.

I found out that Mercury has offices

in the Financial District.

It's got to the some
deep-pocketed media company

who has the resources
to play in publishing.

Yeah, that sounds right.

I'm going to lunch, and on my way,

I'm going to pay Zane a
little surprise visit

and find out how big of a
problem he's actually gonna be.

What is this?

Welcome to Mercury.

This is a community workspace.

This is where you go if you're
starting a taco pop-up.

This is the future of business.

There's no overhead, and
I take all my meetings

at Suffolk House.

Is that how you got Audrey Colbert?

A nice breakfast and a big check?

Oh, money isn't everything.
Sometimes it's about charm.

So you slept with her?

God, that is completely unethical...

and so creepy.

Oh, but it's fine when you do it?

I've only slept with my
authors after they signed.

- Mm.
- Is that what this is about?

You getting back at me?

You went after Audrey
because you knew I was.

You lost the book, Peters.
Suck it up, all right?

There will be others...

oh, if they don't all get
snatched up by me first.

This isn't cute, Zane.

That book was important
to me, and you know it.

You could've been up
front, but you played me.

Listen, you are energetically
inflamed, all right?

Your aura is like a cartoon
bird that just ate a pepper.

I am stressed, okay?

And my quick, easy way
to de-stress was Zane,

and I hate him now.

Okay, okay, let's, um... let's
redirect some of that heat

before I have to take one
for the team, all right?

Pull up your apps, Kels.

We can find you

some no-strings-attached love tonight.

Okay, well, it's going to take a second

because I just added them
back on the train.

Um, that is not
how dating apps work, babe.

Yeah, you... your profile
doesn't come down

just because you delete
the app off your phone.

The bait has been in the water.

Then how come I don't have any bites?

I don't know. Give.

Oh, Kelsey, no, no, no.

This says that you're
Publisher of Millennial Print.

Yeah. That is my job.

Yes. And it is a great job,
and I am in constant awe

of your accomplishments,
but this kind of overachieving

only works if you're trying
to pick up women, all right?

Men don't want to deal
with your big-d*ck energy.

Oh, my God. Okay.

I don't have that energy,
and you're shouting.

You have BDE, Kelsey. You do.

I mean, you are basically wielding

a giant psychic schlong.

I almost got us a three-top.

I don't have big-d*ck energy, okay?

There's just something wrong
with my app.

Yes, okay, and I will show you.

I'll show you what
is wrong with your apps.

What is a creative director?

No one knows, okay? And no one cares.

Oh!

What was that?

Did someone get a ding?

Liza!

I just got off the phone
with a rep from MetroCycle.

I pitched them the idea of
putting erotica on the kiosks.

- Bronwyn's?
- No, my own.

Yes, Bronwyn's!

We are working out a deal where
excerpts from her book appear

on every kiosk from April to June...

a sign that spring has sprung.

Oh, we could call the campaign

"Get On and Get Off."

That's disgusting.

Maybe.

Call Bronwyn, give her the headline,

see if that spurs her on
to sign the contract.

- Hi.
- Thanks for helping out.

Yeah, of course.
Hi, baby girl. How are you?

- Oh, yeah.
- I have to crash this program.

- Okay.
- It's only gonna take

a couple of days.

I pumped.

Put half in the fridge,
half in the freezer.

All right.

Oh, hey, hey.

Hey, what's going on, baby girl?

- She's probably just hungry.
- We okay?

She's hungry all the time.

Okay.

Ooh.

Here we go.

Okay.

Oh.

- Ow.
- Ow? What?

- Oh, nothing. It's fine.
- That doesn't sound fine.

- What can I do to help?
- Uh...

What's happening?

Ah, I think I just have a clogged duct.

It's fine. Ah!

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

I guess it's unclogged.

I don't know, something
natural, easy, a little sexy.

Of course.

- You going out tonight?
- Yes.

Tonight I'm practicing
a little self-care

with someone else.

Okay!

Well, one tip for keeping this
blowout fresh... no missionary.

Oh, no problem.

I like you.

My roommate says
I need to tone it down.

- She claims I have BDE.
- Big-d*ck energy?

- According to her.
- Uh-oh.

Yeah. Uh, apparently it's
a turn-off if you're a woman...

Did you know you had a patch?

- What's that?
- You've lost some hair here.

Oh, my God.

I don't have big-d*ck energy.

I have bald-dude energy! Aah!

Hey.

- Does this hat look ridiculous?
- Shh!

I've tried putting my hair up.

I've tried putting a bandanna on.

Kelsey, Kelsey,
I really don't want to hear

about your bad hair day, okay?

I-I have been up all night
with a crying baby.

Why? I don't know. I don't know.

Because the rest of you
either don't have ears

or you don't have souls.

It is not a bad hair day, Lauren.

- My hair's falling out!
- Okay, well, animals shed.

You're just blowin' coat. It's normal.

I am not a sheltie!

I've lost four clumps of hair
since last night. Four!

I'm going to the doctor to see
if he can put them back in!

Oh, my God!

What happened?

What happened? Did she wake up?

No, Josh. You are the only
one who just woke up, okay?

I mean, get it together, man!
Kelsey doesn't need this!

She's got a bag full of hair!

Kelsey.

Bronwyn Madigan is coming in today,

and we need to put on a show,

which you can be the ringleader of

since you're wearing a top hat?

- What's going on?
- She won't sign her contract.

I thinks she just needs some
face time with the new boss.

Make sure she's in good hands.

So I'd re-think the Sorting Hat.

Some of my hair...

has recently gone.

The doctor says that it's alopecia.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

I had alopecia... not on my head.

I've also had
stress-induced dermatitis,

three bulging disks,

and something quaintly referred
to as "nutcracker's esophagus."

Oh, and every April I get shingles,

right up the side of my rib cage.

It's like wearing an electric tube top

one month out of the year.

That's not making me feel better.

It's making me feel better.

Look, eventually the pendulum
swings the other way.

In the meantime, just...

hang in there.

Can I take anything off your plate?

Just keep an eye out, okay?

Okay.

MetroCycle has 62,000 riders a day,

which guarantees at least that many

the chance to marinate in your words

as they get on and get off.

Gross.

I agree. It's...

You know, it's a great
marketing opportunity.

And it's perfect for the release
of "The Seasoned Slut."

It's not my demo.

Women my age don't ride MetroCycle.

I'm not so sure about that.

Do you ride MetroCycle?

Funny story, I...

Am I your demographic?

We want to introduce
new readers to your books.

I'm good. New readers can
find me in the Twittersphere.

I'm a big tweeter.

I don't want to sign
with a company called Millennial

and have my voice reimagined
for a new audience.

Oh, Bronwyn. I promise you,

we don't want to chance
your voice or your books.

You say that now,
but I've been around the block.

When you sign a contract,
you sign your rights away.

I'm not going to re-up, ladies.

I just thought I owed you
the face-to-face.

You've built your entire career here.

No, I built my career at Empirical...

where I met you as an assistant.

So your problem is with me?

No, my problem is
with the lack of value

placed on experience.

Where's the gray hair in the room?

I write erotic fiction
for women of a certain age.

Yeah...

I bet any man would let
the two of you blow him.

"Let"?

Women my age
have to work hard for that BJ,

and we are better at it.

Am I right?

Do people think I'm her age?

Maggie.

Oh, hey!

I came all the way to Greenpoint

so that I wouldn't run into anybody.

Yeah, me too.

I'm balding.

Yeah.

I think it's work-related.
I don't know.

Well, itching and burning over here.

You know, this new woman
I'm seeing, Beth...

she's got me doing so much hot yoga

that my cooch finally had enough.

There's a cure for that.

The grass is always greener.

Hey, why don't you
come over for a drink

and a home-cooked meal?

You can meet Beth.
I mean, she's a naturopath.

Maybe she's got, you know,
a cure for your situation.

Why don't you talk to her
about your situation?

Well, the key
to a good lesbian relationship

is never tell each other
about your yeast infections.

- Hmm.
- Yeah.

So I'm supposed to just not stress

while my hair is falling out?

No, you're supposed to try

to remember that
everything is temporary.

Oh, that's nice to hear from
the woman that you're dating.

Hey!

Hi, we come bearing Blackout cake.

- Hey!
- Kelsey, good to see you.

Just don't look too close.

Hey, Charles. Liza.

Hey.

I saw the prescription in the bathroom.

Oh, God. Can you pretend
that you didn't?

No, it's fine.

It's just that that sh*t's
loaded with chemicals,

and you should really
try a natural antifungal.

Like what?

- Boop.
- Garlic?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

- Wait, what are you doing?
- Trust me.

Breathe.

- Oh, my God, you're crazy.
- Shh.

It's... it's tingling.

It's doing the job already.

Okay.

Here you go.

Mmm. Maggie, this looks so good!

Mmm. It does.

Is there garlic bread
on the menu tonight?

- Oh, no.
- Really?

- 'Cause I'm totally smelling it.
- Yeah.

Well, there's no bread.

You don't serve bread with polenta.

Did you tell Charles
about Bronwyn Madigan?

- Uh, not yet.
- Wait a minute.

Is that the woman that writes
those horny senior novels?

Is she one of your authors?

She was.

She left because we're too young

to understand how to publish her books.

You can't win.

Don't be too young,
but don't be too old,

and work hard, but don't stress.

Well, the new person
always has the hard job

of proving themselves to the old guard.

- Hmm.
- You'll be fine.

It's as if someone is
toasting an everything bagel.

Maybe you're having a stroke.

Oh, my gosh, I just got it.

Is there something in the oven?

Um, not exactly.

Oh, so do you guys all work together?

We used to.

Ah, we don't have to talk about work.

Oh, my God!

Have you heard about Zane's
new publishing house?

Mercury?

The god of profit and trickery...
it is so Zane.

Yeah, I heard about the, uh...
the Audrey Colbert book.

That was a, uh... I was surprised.

- Um, is there more wine?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

On top of all the stress
of being a brand-new publisher,

I also get to deal with Zane
targeting all my authors.

Ooh.

Ooh, ooh, I just got
a really big hit of it again.

- Oh, it's like a garlic knot.
- Yes!

You guys have a garlic knot
haunting your apartment.

- Oh, my God.
- Or escargot.

I love escargot.

People are smelling me.

It's okay. It's natural.

You know, Kelsey, about Zane...

that... that's just business.

I'm sure it's not personal.

Well, then you clearly
don't know Zane very well,

because he's up to something,
and he's not working alone,

but he wants to
make it seem like he is.

Yeah, it is strange.

Someone is clearly giving him money.

I know, but who?

Who is it?

Seriously, who is it?

It's me! I'm the garlic knot.

Beth stuck a whole clove up my p*ssy.

It's plant medicine.

And I think it smells fine.

- Maggie!
- Oh, my God.

Hey.

Is there something
you're not telling me?

Yeah. You know, in a...
in a lot of circles,

Bronwyn's books are known as,
uh, matron lit.

Uh, so it... it probably
wouldn't be a good fit

for Millennial anyway.

Good night, Liza.

Charles...

I have lied to a lot of people
for a long time,

and I know what it looks like.

I saw you with Zane.

I know you mortgaged the town house,

and I think you're behind Mercury.

I never wanted to give up publishing.

I wanted to be with you.

And I wanted to keep the company going,

so I had to make choices.

So you are behind Mercury.

- Why didn't you just tell me?
- I'm sorry, Liza.

I was planning to tell you.

I was looking for the right time.

To be honest, this whole thing

took off a lot faster than expected.

But I don't understand.
Millennial is your company.

No, it's my dad's company.

I wanted to build something of my own.

And this...

this was my chance...

to take a risk, to...
to reinvent myself.

If anyone can understand that...

it's you.

You cannot be
on the board of Millennial

and run a competing publishing house.

I just need some time to figure it out.

Until that time...

can this stay between us?

- You mean don't tell Kelsey.
- Not anyone.

Just for now.

- Hey.
- Don't come too close.

- I'm still off-gassing.
- What a night.

At least your date
didn't try to stuff you

like a cocktail olive.

- Hey.
- I can't text, I'm running.

Bronwyn tweeted that she has a meeting

at Suffolk House this morning,
and I know it's with Zane.

- I'm running to intercept, okay?
- Wait.

I'm going underground.
Just meet me there.

Kelsey. Kelsey! sh*t. Damn it!

Um...

uh, okay, bye!

- Bronwyn.
- What are you doing here?

I know that you're meeting
with other publishing houses.

And I just want you
to make the right choice.

That's not Mercury.

Yeah, I suppose
the right choice is Millennial?

Yes.

We are a company run by women

who want important women's
voices to be heard... your voice.

What is Mercury? Who is Mercury?

- Hey, there!
- The cavalry is here.

Kelsey, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yes. Sit down.

Honestly, Bronwyn,
not to take away from your work,

but Zane is out to steal
our authors, all right?

He's a former employee
who has a personal vendetta

against our company.

She didn't come here to see Zane.

I'm pretty sure she did.

No, I don't know Zane
from a wart on my butt.

I came here to see Charles.

What the...

Oh, God.

You're the money behind Mercury?

- Kelsey, if you just give me...
- Did you know about this?

I just found out.
I was coming to tell you.

You're the Chairman of the Board.

You're working
against your own company?

- You're working against me?
- Wow, this is interesting.

Could we talk outside?

- Yeah, that's a good idea.
- No.

No, you know what?

Bronwyn should know who she's
getting into business with.

A man who is by your side one minute

and then the next trying
to steal your authors.

My hair is falling out because
of you and because of you.

I hope you know who you're
getting into business with

because I sure as hell didn't.

- Liza, wait.
- Is this you figuring it out?

Bronwyn reached out to me.

He called your books "matron lit."

Hi, Gemma!

Are you sure it's a good idea
to have her in the studio?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The buzzing needles actually
put her right to sleep.

It's been amazing.

I have learned so much
in the last two days.

Like, she loves walks...

loves being read to.

- "The Hung Juror"?
- Yeah.

Is this what you've been reading her?

Okay, look, Kelsey brought
home a bunch of senior erotica.

Here, listen to this.

"Frank held Cathy as she waved
good-bye to her grandkids.

His tumescence growing."

Look at her eyes.

Are you kidding me with this?

She loves it!

Well, thanks for looking after her.

Yeah. I mean...

I'm her dad, you know,
not her babysitter.

I know.

Hey, um...

Look, so...

I know we're getting a divorce, and...

we're going to deal
with custody stuff, but...

I really want
to be in her life full-time.

Or at least equally split time.

And, uh...

I want sleepovers on a regular basis.

Let's just figure out

this whole
parenting thing together, okay?

That'd be great, actually.

Just...

don't bring her down
to the studio anymore.

Deal.

My hair is falling out
because of you and you!

Everyone is going to see this video.

It's just Publisher's Lunch.

It's also trending on Reddit.

You know what?

Charles is the one
that looks bad, not me.

He's completely in the wrong here.

Say something.

Bronwyn, who apparently
does think we're peers,

is staying put.

- Really?
- Yeah!

She said anyone who fights

for her like you did,
she's sticking with.

Okay. Now, that is some good news.

- So...
- Why are you two looking

at me like my eyebrows fell off?

Oh, my God, did they?

No, gosh, of course not.

I got calls from three agents

and emails from another handful.

They're all making noise
about moving their clients

from Millennial...

to Mercury.

They don't care
that Charles is in the wrong.

They want the gray hair in the room.

No. I'm calling an emergency
board meeting. He can't do that!

Charles resigned from the board

about an hour ago.

He did?

What does that mean?

That he's officially
our competition now.