01x02 - iHate Carly

[bunniefuu]

I'm really glad we're doing this show again.

When we started, we were just kids having fun, but now we can make a real impact.

You know, push culture forward.

Can you help me take this off?

Yeah.

There we go.

Wow, you're already getting a ton of likes on your bunny makeup tutorial.

I'm not doing this for likes.

I'm doing this to connect with people.

To lift up, to inspire.

It's not about me.

But what are they saying about me?

"Fire", "Straight fire", "That's lit", "I love fire", "Burn everything"... wait.

Are there any that aren't about fire?

Yeah, here's one, but you know what?

I'm not gonna read it.

What is it?

Just tell me.

Don't freak out, but it looks like your hater is back.

iHateCarly .

There's always gonna be haters that try to tear you down, but you know what I say to them?

I say, "Mom, I'm doing my best!"

I can handle the haters.

I've had haters since I was .

But this person is relentless.

They make fun of what I wear, what I eat, what I drink.

I'm starting to second-guess everything.

Do you think my walk is funny?

For a bunny or a person?

And the worst part is, at the end of all of their comments, they say, "Do better".

- Ugh.

- It's like, "Do better?

How about you do better?"

At least they're not threatening to break into your bedroom and braid your hair like that other weirdo.

Yeah, but in all fairness, that hair braiding Instagram is, quite frankly, spectacular.

Ooh, y'all doing, like, a furry thing?

- Yep.

- No.

Don't worry, I'm not here to kink-shame your fursona.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be on a brunch date?

Oh, no, I didn't go.

He gave me the ick.

- What's the ick?

- The ultimate turn-off.

You can be totally into someone, then you see one bad improv show...

Or they're way too into theme parks.

Or fiscal irresponsibility.

Listen to us.

We sound awful.

There's just too much negativity in the world.

Which is why I'm going to respond to this iHateCarly person with love and light.

Love and light?

I'm more of a block and report guy myself.

I'm going to embrace them, not physically, but spiritually.

Their profile picture's the Space Needle, so they're local.

Maybe we'll even meet up.

Yeah, nice afternoon at the farmers' market, picking out artisanal jam

- with someone who can't stand you.

- [PHONE DINGS]

Oh, they already replied.

With "Do better".

To my olive branch.

Oh, I'll do better.

I'll lodge that branch so far up...

Ah, yes, love and light.

"Skybucks, today, : p.m.

Be there.

Unless it's inconvenient for you, in which case we can reschedule".

♪ I know you see ♪ ♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ And be so wonderful ♪ ♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ It's your time to be ♪ ♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪ ♪ And the time to see the brighter side ♪ ♪ Of every situation ♪ ♪ Some things are meant to be ♪ ♪ So give me your best and leave the rest to me ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

All right, I've got eyes on the entrance.

Why are you talking into your sleeve?

Why are you wearing a fake mustache?

I like the mystery.

You seem really excited to just be at a coffee place.

Yeah, because I can't wait to meet the person who always tells you to, "Do better".

So good.

It could be any of these people.

Don't worry, any sign of trouble, I brought a taser and some pepper spray.

That definitely won't be necessary.

We're just gonna talk.

I'm gonna go around and look for him.

- Remember, be inconspicuous.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, I got eyes on a suspect.

- Oh, she's shady.

- Let's take her down.

Hey, Harper, have you seen anyone acting suspicious.

Yeah, those two MENSA candidates.

You know, on the one hand, I'm annoyed that you're doing this at my place of work.

But on the other hand, thank you for giving me a front row seat to something that is sure to be a total disaster.

I'm here for you, Oh, but that guy's a good tipper.

Bye.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, It's Nora Dershlit.

- Who's Nora Dershlit?

- She's a lunatic!

She kidnapped us and locked us in our basement twice.

- Freddie made out with her.

- Nah, she kissed me.

I was an innocent bystander.

I will not call her Mom.

Carly?

[GASPS]

Leave it to me!

Aha!

[GRUNTS]

Ahh, tingles!

Oh, I thought that was you.

Hey, Fredward.

Love the flavor saver.

I should have guessed you were iHateCarly .

What?

I don't hate you.

I think you're great.

But not in a creepy, stalky, "gonna lock you up and keep you as my personal prisoner" kind of way.

That was old Nora.

New Nora is in a good place.

New Nora really worked on herself.

Ahh!

Say hello to Señor Pepper Spray!

Ahh!

Don't worry!

The salt will neutralize the pepper spray!

Oh, God, I was so wrong!

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, right here, right here!

Your friends have to leave!

They're not my friends!

I don't know these people.

Sorry, Harper.

Lucky guess.

Can I have a banana nut muffin to go?

Sure.

You got the last one.

Oh, I was gonna order the same.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know what?

You take it.

Oh, I can't take your banana nut muffin.

No, really, take it.

And you can have my coffee too.

And I think I might have some almonds in my purse.

That's really nice of you, but I'm good.

Well, at least we can share it.

Here.

Wow, maybe we could share a table too?

I really shouldn't be flirting right now.

I'm kind of on a mission.

- Sounds serious.

- It is.

I'm trying to find some jerk who keeps posting mean things about me online.

Why would somebody post mean stuff about you?

It's dumb.

I'm Carly of "iCarly".

I have a channel online.

Have you heard of the Internet?

Oh, you mean the place where I compulsively look at real estate and convince myself that I have every disease imaginable?

Yes, I'm familiar.

I'm Justin.

Maybe I can help you find this jerk.

Excuse me, has anyone seen a mustache?

Oh, here it is.

I really hope this is my mustache.

- It's definitely that guy.

- Oh, no, that's Freddie.

Hey, would you want to hang out sometime when my weird friends aren't there?

- Yeah, I'd like that.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Okay, here.

If you could just put your number in my phone.

Carly?

Come on!

We're taking Spencer to the emergency room, and you need to talk him out of driving.

- Let's go.

- I'll call you.

Okay.

How's the muffin?

Do better.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I followed every lead.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, why do we have so much red yarn?

Have you ever seen an HBO drama, Harper?

This is how they catch people.

Lookee here, Nora.

Why were you at the coffee shop, huh, Nora?

They're always low on oat milk.

Yeah, that's 'cause I steal it for you.

Is that a passport photo of Muffin Man?

Why are you putting him up there?

He brightens up the place.

Your stalker game, c'est magnifique.

It's not stalking.

It's research for our date tonight.

You want to see a satellite picture of his back yard?

Oh, is that a hot tub?

Okay, I'm good with him.

You know, my sciatica.

Plus, he's never even seen "iCarly".

So he has no preconceived notions about how amazing I am.

He gets to discover it.

Okay.

Well, just look out for the ick.

- Is anyone home?

- Yeah, we're right here.

Ah, I still can't see!

Too bad.

I'm super naked.

No, you're not.

I'd know.

Being without sight has heightened my other senses.

I'm completely in tune with my surroundings.

Did you rearrange the furniture?

Don't say a word.

I'm honing my sensory skills, and I need to do this on my own.

Hello, Millicent.

It's Freddie.

[WHISPERING] Is Harper naked?

Now, who wants to help guide me until my sight returns?

- Oh, not it.

- Can't.

Got a date.

- Thanks for volunteering.

- I didn't.

No, I could sense that you did.

After all, I gave you seed money for your first start-up.

[GROANS]

Fine, I'll help you.

Thank you.

Now, can you describe the sunset?

Well, the sun is just touching the horizon, and as it sinks further, the bright, hot gold gently fades to a warm, soothing pink.

You don't truly appreciate the miracles that happen every day till they're taken away.

Mm.

Now help me pee.

♪ ♪

Well, right now, I'm working on my passion project, designing this new shelter for kids experiencing homelessness.

But usually I work on more corporate stuff.

Like this chain of taco restaurants where I can now eat free for life.

Okay, what's the guac situation?

If you say endless, you're perfect.

That's very sweet, but I'm not.

I'm far from it.

A long time ago, I had a big disappointment, and I took it really hard.

You would not have wanted to know me then.

But it drove me to be the person that I am today.

What happened?

Oh, there was this girl once that kind of broke my heart.

She sounds terrible.

I thought so too for a while, but she's actually pretty great.

Okay, now I'm getting a little jealous.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So how's your paella?

Mine's delicious.

Nora?

Hi, guys.

What a coincidence.

Oh, I love this place.

It's so romantic.

- Are you here with anybody?

- No.

Should I join you?

[SQUEALS]

[CHAIR SCRAPING RHYTHMICALLY]

I wish they had a guy who played violin here.

Oh, I'll just do it.

[SINGING LIKE A VIOLIN]

♪ ♪ And that's why a Roth IRA is a better option for you than a [K].

Wow.

I never really knew anything about money.

Other than having a lot of it.

As promised, all of the dinner rolls.

Oh, I take it that the date went well?

No ick?

Not with Justin.

He has such positive energy.

It's just contagious.

Nothing can bring me down.

[PHONE DINGS]

Ugh.

It's iHateCarly .

Oh, my God.

I can't believe it.

They just posted something nice about me.

- Aww.

- Such a betrayal.

Things are looking up.

I met a great guy, and I'm so talented, my nemesis did a .

I should write a self-help book called, "If You're Just Nice to People, They'll Eventually Like You Because Deep Down, All Humans Are Good at Heart".

I'll come up with a better title.

Okay, everybody, let's Merengue March.

Oh, there is nothing like working up a sweat to Zumba.

It's not a workout, it's a party!

Hold me tighter so I don't lose balance.

I'm trying.

Your sweat's making you slippery.

- I call that Zumba Juice.

- Oh.

Cumbia Crawl!

This is not I imagined my life going.

Reggaeton Rump-shaker.

All right, help me shake my rump.

Nah.

Nah, I'm taking a break.

Al right, fine.

Take a b*at.

Hey, maybe go pick up my dry cleaning?

Are you sure you still can't see?

Not a thing.

I'm sure it'll come back soon.

You know, you're a good friend for doing all this, Freddie.

I'll go get your dry cleaning.

Thanks.

Whew!

Ooh.

Okay.

A seven letter word for divine occurrence.

Hmm...

Forgot the dry-cleaner ticket.

I can see!

It's a miracle!

That's seven letters.

I can't believe you used me.

We merengued.

Okay, I'm sorry.

My sight came back earlier.

Oh, that's great, cause now you can see me k*ll you.

Oh, come on, you can't say you didn't enjoy it.

We got to be so close.

Yeah, close enough to get pee on my shoes.

And no one can take that away from us.

Welcome to Chez Carly.

This is the dining room, and this is the living room, and this is my m*rder board.

That I forgot I had your picture on.

I can explain that.

Actually, maybe I should be the one to explain

- Um...

- Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, so you're not into bunnies.

No biggie.

- You don't have to leave.

- I'm sorry, Harper.

I really like you.

You're smart, fun, interesting, beautiful, but I got the ick.

Fair.

Live by the ick, die by the ick.

Sup, y'all?

- Um...

- Hey, Carly.

I know you're feeling down about your hater, but look at it this way.

Your work provoked a reaction.

I wish I had a hater.

That's the true sign of success.

Oh, Justin, this is Freddie's daughter, Millicent.

- She secretly worships me.

- False.

It's nice to meet you.

Uh, is there some place that I can go P-E-E?

I can spell, you weirdo.

Yeah, just right through there.

Okay.

Let's play a game.

It's called "Go Away".

No, reading these old comments about you is way more fun.

"Is it a rash?

No, it's iCarly.

Do better".

Wow, really great stuff.

- Like.

- [PHONE DINGS]

"DB, not worth my time to put 'do better'." Gotta smash that like button.

- [PHONE DINGS]

- Like.

Wait, do you hear that?

- Like.

- [PHONE DINGS]

I'm just gonna like them all.

- Like.

Like.

Like.

- [PHONE DINGING]

Like.

Like.

Like.

Why is Justin's phone going off every time you hit like?

Unless he's...

BOTH: iHateCarly .

Justin is iHateCarly .

What are we gonna do?

He could m*rder us right in front of my m*rder board.

Not us.

He's not iHateMillicent .

Oh, you think he's gonna wanna leave any witnesses?

All right, we need to take this guy down.

I know capoeira.

[YELLS]

That's just dancing.

But you stopped and watched.

- Harper!

- What?

I was listening to my rejection playlist.

Justin is iHateCarly , and he's in our apartment.

Oh.

Well, good thing Millicent's here.

She knows capoeira.

This is not a dance-off!

Get over here.

Okay, here's the plan.

When he gets out here, we're gonna Michelle Obama him.

You go low, I'll go high.

- Hi.

- [ALL SCREAM]

I know who you are!

Stay back, or the girl will dance toward you!

I don't want to die in a bunny suit.

I'm not gonna hurt anybody.

I know you're my hater.

Carly, I'm sorry.

I can explain.

Come on, Millicent.

Help me tie him up.

That seems like a waste of good yarn.

After we met, I realized how wrong I had been about you.

You lied about seeing the show.

And you lied about being iHateCarly .

Was anything you said true?

What about the homeless kids?

Or the tacos?

No, no, Carly, I swear, everything since we met has been real.

Then why do you hate me?

I don't.

I mean, I did.

Look, when I was , my dream was to be on "iCarly".

I loved how you showcased other people's talents, so I sent you a video, and you never played it.

And I've held a grudge ever since.

"iCarly" was pretty big.

We were, like, the only web show.

We had thousands of submissions.

And Freddie tended to weed out the cute guys.

Look, it hurt then.

But meeting you in person, I got over it.

And if you think about it, it's kind of a funny story of how we met, right?

It's a hate-cute.

I'm sorry, Justin, but it's just all too much.

Also, I wish I hadn't apologized just then.

I need to work on that.

Now get out of here!

You were right about one thing though.

I can "do better".

Ooh!

Flipped it, reversed it, never once rehearsed it.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I can't wait to get together tonight.

It was so great meeting you at the eye wash station at the emergency room.

But I was thinking, sure, we could go to some fancy restaurant and put on a dating persona, but I'm just not into all that artifice.

You know, I want you to get to know the real me.

Yeah, I was thinking we could hang at my place tonight.

You know, my eyesight is back, so I'm really looking forward to actually seeing you.

[LAUGHS] Okay, I'll see you later.

Buh-bye.

What is this...

oh!

No.

No!

Oh, I've done it again!

- [SIGHS] - Uh-oh.

I know what that sigh means.

- No, you don't.

- You miss Justin.

Oh, then yeah, you totally do.

- You want to keep dating him?

- Why not?

I mean, let's face it, he still hasn't given me the ick.

And I'm no better than him if I hold this against him.

Life's too short to hold a grudge.

And yet you won't forgive me for that leggings incident.

You didn't tell me you could see my whole butt through 'em.

I thought that's why you bought them!

Ugh.

I just wish I could go back in time and tell -year-old me to put Justin on the show.

Wait a minute.

I can tell -year-old me to do it.

And she just agreed.

- Freddie!

Freddie?

- No.

Wha...

come on.

I just want to tell you I love you, man, that's all.

Also, I blinded myself again, and I need you to be my eyes on a date tonight with a gorgeous woman who just might be my soul mate, but it's hard to tell because we only talked for five minutes at the emergency room.

But I'm a romantic.

We'll see where the night takes us.

You expect me to fall for this again?

Yeah...

no, there's nothing to fall for.

I really can't see.

She's gonna be here any minute.

- Think fast.

- Oh!

You might be telling the truth.

That's my fault.

I deserve it.

Can you help me up?

Oh, thank you.

Now, listen, this is embarrassing, but I have forgotten hot eye wash lady's name.

All I need you to do is pretend to be my butler, dig through her purse, and look at her driver's license.

Your hands are really soft.

You're not Freddie, are you?

Oh!

I remember now.

It's Sarah.

Sarah, hi.

What a funny...

[SIGHS] Are you there?

Thank you so much for doing this.

I believe in second chances.

I let Millicent cut my hair twice.

I know it's no excuse, but part of the reason why it hurt so bad when you rejected my video is 'cause this piece is really personal to me.

Well I'm honored that you're sharing it with me.

Is the camera ready, Freddie?

I literally just press record.

In five, four, three, two...

Welcome back to "iCarly", where today, we have a really special guest.

Justin has had this prepared for a long time and is finally going to bare his soul.

We stan this vulnerability.

This is a poem that I wrote during a really difficult period of my life.

Well, thanks so much for doing it on the show...

Third period.

[SNAPPING]

Homework.

The bane of my exis...

tence.

Pudding cups.

Reward for my persis...

tence.

Biology.

Number one.

Frustration.

Hangry.

Tater tots are my salvation.

Prisoner of school.

Life.

Shh.

- Oh...

- My...

Ick.

[DANCE MUSIC]

Maybe "RuPaul's Drag Race" can be my boyfriend.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTING]

Oh.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

[LAUGHS] I live here.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, I was just scaling the side of the building and noticed your window was open, so boop.

[LAUGHS]

- You scaled the building?

- Please don't tell my parents.

They think I'm at Cold Stone Creamery.

You still live with your parents?

That's so...

normal.

I'm sorry.

I hadn't thought of you guys in ages, but then I got a taste at the coffee shop and ten years of therapy flew right out the window.

Look, I'm really sorry to hear that, Nora, but you need to go.

[GROANS]

- Can I use your front door?

- Yes.

- And can I take this?

- No.

- Can I take this?

- No.