01x09 - Deepfake

[bunniefuu]

[CHILDREN SQUEALING]

[GRUNTING]

♪♪ - Hi.

- Hi!

- Oh!

- Oh!

- f*ck!

- Sorry.

Sorry.

No, no, no.

It's nothing.

It's nothing.

It's fine.

Um, hi, I'm...

I'm so sorry, because I thought it was Pride Night tonight.

But apparently, that's next Friday, and tonight is actually Country Night.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

No, it's all good.

And you look great.

And I'm sure no one will notice.

I-I mean, like, I-I can change.

Like, I-I have clothes i-in a locker.

I-I didn't know what magical Under the Stars things we were gonna get up to afterwards.

Oh.

How late are we gonna be out?

Oh, so he already wants it to be over.

No, no, no.

I just need to tell my dad, like, when to get me.

No, that was a joke.

I was joking.

- Oh.

- Oh, that's so cute.

[CHUCKLES]

We...

Should we get the s-skates?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- [CHUCKLES]

- So, how are you?

Like, I want to know everything.

Tell me all of it.

"I'm Bo.

I'm cute." Go.

Okay.

Um...

I-I started mining for bitcoin today.

Sorry, that's so boring.

No, it's actually very Taurus of you.

Whoa.

Well, that's crazy.

Did I tell you I'm a Taurus?

No.

She's just very intuitive.

Uh, actually, I-I-I stalked you a little bit, to find your birthday.

But, like, you know, who doesn't want to be stalked a little bit, right?

Like, I'm like, "Yes, please.

Fantasize abut me in pervy ways." Well, actually, um, my aunt had a stalker...

Well, I mean, he wasn't really, but she thought he was 'cause he kept showing up at her apartment complex.

But he was just a delivery guy.

Um.

Only she ended up pepper-spraying him, and then...

he filed a restraining order against her, and...

And she had a nervous breakdown.

Um, size , please.

Oh, are you okay?

Yes.

Uh...

Uh...

So, bitcoin!

T-Tell me about that.

How do you do that?

Okay.

Uh, well, it's mostly just figuring out software and profitability based on, uh, energy consumption versus the current bitcoin price But the...

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah.

Just, um, keep telling me about bitcoin.

Uh, the...

the cool thing is mining actually helps keep the network secure, which is interesting, you know?

Yes!

- Oh, is it?

- Yes!

Hey, uh, I like "Brokeback Mountain".

I like Blake Shelton.

[LAUGHTER]

That's f*ckin' hilarious.

I bet he actually does like Blake Shelton.

Oh, I-I love Blake Shelton.

No, you don't.

♪♪ Are you sure you don't want to stop?

Yeah, no, I-I'm fine.

I just haven't skated in a while, but you know, there...

There are other things that I want to do that might be fun...

"Rocky Horror" and...

Oh, I've always wanted to see that.

Oh, you're a virgin!

Okay.

That's gonna be great.

I wanna help you figure out what to wear, because if you wear the wrong thing, then, you get sacrificed with the other virgins, and then, you have to do something, like, moan your mom's name like she's being f*cked.

- Oh.

- But it's, like, fun, though.

Are you guys brothers?

No.

Do we look like we're brothers?

We're on a date.

Oh, so, are you gonna touch penises?

MAN: No, no, no, Bobby!

Other way!

Other way!

Ew!

Ew!

Ew!

[VOMITING]

Oh, my God!

sh**t!

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

Oh, my God.

A-Are you okay?

Ew!

f*ck!

Ugh.

f*ck!

[ASHNIKKO'S CRY (FEAT. GRIMES) PLAYS]

♪♪

♪ I'm a tough bitch, but I'm sensitive ♪

DELILAH: Everybody come buy your dance tickets!

Riley!

Hey!

- Do you wanna get...

- Sorry.

I can't.

♪ I'm about to rip all of my hair out ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm madder than I've ever been ♪ ♪ Bitch, are you tryna make me cry? ♪ ♪ Are you tryna make me lose it? ♪ ♪ You win some and lose some ♪ ♪ This could get gruesome ♪ ♪ Bitch, are you tryna make me cry? ♪ ♪ Are you tryna make me lose it? ♪

The assignment was to take an everyday object and look at it in a new way, so that's what I did.

SAM: Uh-huh.

You've been, uh, cutting too many classes.

We're only days into the new term, and you're failing photography, which feels a little like Picasso failing art.

Thank you.

Why is Picasso failing art?

Is there, like, a slip you sign, or something?

At my high school, there was a track and field coach who everyone... everyone hated 'cause he called kids "weaklings," like, straight up.

One time, he, uh, tripped a kid on purpose, using a pole vault pole.

Like, he was evil.

My point is people will always try to crush dreams, so, what do you do?

- Take pictures of fruit.

- [CHUCKLES]

I get you want to blow things up, but like, how big?

Just 'cause you don't want to blow yourself up in the process.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANCE]

♪ Bitch, are you tryna make me cry? ♪

- ♪ Are you tryna make me lose it? ♪

- [HORN BLASTS]

You had to choose the one fruit that's hairy?

♪ Bitch... ♪ ♪♪ What?

Nothing.

I like you.

You're my sister from another mister.

- [CHUCKLES]

Why?

- You just are.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Are you going?

I don't know.

Are you?

CHESTER: No.

I am going on a date with Cutie McCutie.

- RILEY: Oh, cute.

- [CHUCKLES]

And if you dial back his nerdcon a bit...

Like, how many stories are there of straight people marrying their high school sweethearts?

It's the queers' turn now, baby.

Give it to usssss!

Mwah!

Oh, my God.

Can I just say... it's so great that you're not putting any pressure on this.

- Oh, thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

- So proud.

- Whatever.

But you are going to "X-Files", right?

Mm...

No.

No.

Stop.

- You're going!

- Mm!

Does Greta...

even want me there?

Yes.

What was the motel drama?

S-She just freaked out a little bit.

Mnh-mnh.

Something else.

I know you, sis.

I don't really know where we stand, or what she wants, or...

[CLEARS THROAT]

I-I don't...

I mean, I don't know what I want.

Whatever.

What do you think?

I think lesbians are exhausting.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm not a lesbian.

Yeah, well, you have that over-talky, smother-y lesbian thing down.

If that is your definition, you are the biggest lesbian in all of Anaheim.

[TIRES SCREECH]

♪♪ You c**t!

♪♪ [GEARSHIFT CLICKS, ENGINE SHUTS OFF]

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

I can't with my parents right now.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Could you, uh, come in?

[METAL CREAKING]

CHESTER: Oh, my God.

Who is that?

My dad's child bride.

I literally thought she went to school with us.

Nope.

That is his girlfriend.

Wait, so, your mom moved out?

No.

She's not.

Come...

Come see this.

[GASPS]

What?!

What is this?

My mom has an inner child named Ginnie, and she decided that that inner child needs a place to play, so...

Wait, so, she's crazy?

More just really narcissistic.

Or actually, I don't know.

Yeah, maybe... maybe she's crazy.

"We don't have a Black friend." Okay, this is, like, kind of fun, in...

In a weird, creepy kind of way.

I mean, divorce makes people do weird things.

Like, one of my aunts went full-on Born Again, and then, became a quadruple black belt, but, like, not in an empowering way.

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

I have to leave for me, but I don't want to leave for you.

It's okay.

Go.

- You sure?

- Yes.

Don't be late.

Do not worry about me.

Seriously.

She has f*cked me up so much already, I am beyond f*ck-up-able.

She once told me that Santa Claus wasn't real just so I'd be mad at my dad for lying.

Yes.

And then, I have to watch her be this -year-old, like, obsessively making these finger paintings of rainbow hearts, 'cause she can't find love, and I...

But then, I'm like, "What would I do if I heard my husband banging some barely legal girl in my own home?"

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[DOOR CREAKING]

Hi.

I'm Chester.

Eh, it's... it's so nice to meet you.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

I'm...

- I'm canceling my date.

- No.

Don't do that.

- Yes.

- Don't do that.

She's probably happy that she overheard.

Now, she can ignore me, and just feel justified.

It's fine.

Ah.

Please, go, and be happy with your perfect boyfriend on your perfect date, please.

I-I just...

I need you to go, actually, so I know that love exists.

- I love you.

- Okay.

So, that love exists.

Thank you.

[SIGHS]

Go to "X-Files."

[DOOR OPENS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

♪♪ ♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪♪ ♪♪

ANA: I miss you.

It's so good that you came.

[SINGING IN SPANISH]

She's just coming over.

Oh, yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

I just...

The apartment looks so nice.

My sister will be back any day, and though I used to think I'd rather gouge my eyes out than live two doors down from her, well, family, right?

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hi.

- Oh, hey.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

- GRETA: Hi.

- What's up?

- Um.

Oh, I...

- such a f*cking power move.

- Well, I mean, it was just like...

DELILAH: You are a ho in the best sense of the word.

ARIANNA: I learned from you.

That was, like, a life-lesson moment.

Like, parents of the world, if you try to control us, this is what we will do.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm Ana.

Welcome to the "X-Files" experience.

So, is this everyone who's coming?

I'm gonna start the show now.

- So, Chester's not coming?

- Oh.

Um, I think he's hanging out with Bo.

Cool.

Great.

Um...

Oh, my God.

So, they've been, like, hanging out a lot, or...

No, I think this is the first time, but, yeah.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

Totally.

It's...

It's just, like, weird, 'cause he's never mentioned the voicemail, but,

- like, it's fine...

- For real?

A cumshot on a kiwi?

No.

No, no, no, no.

It was a middle-schooler f*cking a kiwi, right?

No, it was not.

DELILAH: Wait, let me see.

Oh, this photo is really amazing.

- Shh!

- Oh, thank you.

- Look.

- It's starting now.

- Sorry.

Sorry.

- This show really taught the world to pay attention to how the government lies.

ANA: You are invited back.

NATHAN: Based on today, Naomi is the best liar in the world...

And I say that with full respect.

ARIANNA: Watch this.

Two truths and a lie, bitch.

- Go.

- Okay.

Um, everyone in my family has a middle name that starts with N.

Once, I fractured my nose from sneezing too hard.

And I absorbed a triplet in the womb.

- Definitely three.

- You can't fracture your nose.

- It was two.

- [LAUGHS]

- Hey.

So, are you okay?

- Your absorbed a triplet?

Yeah.

It was just, like, my mom was...

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

MAN: And keep it down!

I will when your wife stops stealing my Amazon packages!

NAOMI: I should've absorbed Nathan.

But I'm telling you, if you talk during it, you will miss crucial plot points.

[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

- Not into the show?

- [CHUCKLES]

I'll get into when the aliens start torturing the people.

And, um, uh...

how...

How was your break?

Great.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know, I guess a little weird?

My parents don't, um...

know.

Oh.

Yeah.

I don't know.

We live in this world where it's all, like, "Oh, you need to tell everything to everyone all the time," and maybe it's just...

I don't know...

not actually always the best thing?

[PHONE CHIMES]

- Oh!

- Oh, sh*t!

Are...

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- I told you.

ANA: It's good.

DELILAH: Everybody, come buy your dance tickets!

Riley!

- Hey, do you wanna get tickets...

- No, I can't.

Both of you close your eyes and hold out your hands.

- What?

- Now.

Do it.

Open up.

- [GASPS]

Oh, my God!

- Oh, it's a little helix.

Because D-N-A!

Oh, my gosh!

- Come here.

- Oh!

I seriously love you guys so much.

You are my b*tches, you are my hos, you're my sluts.

I f*cking love you for life.

Oh!

I love this more than life itself.

Um, is someone sitting here?

Hi.

No.

Okay.

Okay, cool.

Um, I wanted...

I wanted to, um...

- Hi!

- Hi!

Hi.

Um...

ca va?

Uh, ca va.

Oh!

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH]

Did you know it's because he has bad sinuses that he breathes so loudly?

He told me one time during French, 'cause I was staring, and he thought I was staring because he was breathing so loud.

Are you sure you're okay with this?

'Cause I know you wanted to f*ck him.

No.

It's seriously fine.

Okay.

But the other thing I was thinking while I was staring is, "How do you tell a guy their cologne smells bad?" Which you have to do, because other...

NAOMI: I'm, like, open to, like, working it out, because that's just, like, what you have to do in a relationship.

- Yeah.

- We literally need them in an hour.

MEGAN: What for?

NAOMI: For our viewing party.

Dad knows.

Oh.

Okay.

Apparently, he has his method of parenting and I have mine.

So, from now on, you must both ask my permission, also, because he was not on that FaceTime call when you viciously att*cked me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hi.

- PASTOR JEB: Megan.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Kids, um, Pastor Jeb, uh, stopped by to pick up an extra, uh, paper shredder I have.

Hi, Nathan.

Hi, Naomi.

Hi, kids.

Well, actually, why don't you just stay for a glass of iced tea?

- Great.

- Yeah.

It'll be great.

Nathan, why don't you join us?

- I really...

- IMaravillosa!

Oh, look, Gloria's already set it up.

She's a genius.

- [WHISPERING]

I'll pray for you.

- Ah, excellent.

I just think New Year's, you know,

- it's a great time...

- Okay.

To have a conversation about resetting, about building new found...

Is this about the kissing video or me being bi?

PASTOR JEB: So...

it's like skiing.

Sometimes, you put on your skis, and you push yourself down a mountain, and suddenly, you're thinking, "This mountain is a lot steeper than I thought..." "and it's going too fast.

And it seemed like it was gonna be fun, but I'm really not enjoying this anymore, and I want to stop, but it feels like I can't." You ever get that feeling, Nathan?

Not really, no.

- Oh.

Well.

- Oh, my God.

- Southern California.

- Yeah.

But I-I think your parents feel you're experiencing pressures, and that's resulting in some choices that...

Okay, so, we are talking about me being bi?

- No.

- I hate when parents lie.

Like, they think we can't tell?

And we're rally coming at this from a place of love, you know?

NATHAN: Cool.

Well, I love love.

Actually, I think I might be falling in love.

- Well, that's frickin' great news.

- Oh, awesome.

I mean, I was really worried that you might be upset that I had a boyfriend.

You do not.

Who's he dating?

I think he's lying just to f*ck with them, which is a ballsy move.

Though, she'll never believe him, and she'll pick him apart, and he'll start crying.

Mm, normal.

- sh*t.

- What?

- f*ck.

- What?

He better buy me a really expensive gift card for this.

What are you gonna do?

MEGAN: I'm not saying that you don't have a...

A b-friend.

I'm just saying that, sometimes, you do exaggerate for dramatic effect.

I'm so glad you finally told them.

- Do they know who he is?

- This bitch.

NATHAN: It was such a f*cking power move.

NAOMI: And you know she was just dying to know who it was, but wouldn't ask in front of Pastor Jeb.

You were a ho in the best sense of the word.

I learned from you.

That was, like, a life lesson moment.

Like, Parents of the World, if you try to control us, this is what we will do to you.

- Thank you.

- Hi.

- I'm Ana.

- Hi.

Welcome to the "X-Files" experience.

Thank you so much for having us.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- "X-Files" -themed food.

- So, is this everyone who's coming?

I'm gonna start the show now.

RILEY: And h-how was your break?

[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]

Great.

Yeah, I mean...

[WAILING CONTINUES]

I don't know, I guess a little weird?

My parents don't, um.. know.

- Oh.

- I don't know.

We live in this world where it's all like...

"You have to tell everything to everyone all the time," and maybe it's just...

I don't know...

not actually always the best thing?

[PHONE CHIMES]

- Oh!

- Oh, sh*t!

- [SCREAMS]

- Oh, my God!

- Aah!

- Aah!

ANA: I told you.

It's good, right?

ARIANNA: Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Isn't he on a date?

DELILAH: Riley!

Hey!

Do you want to get...

RILEY: Sorry, I can't.

Will you just pin her down and wrap your legs around her face already?

- [SIGHS]

- What?

It's just, like, why is everything always so sexual?

Where are you going with Bo?

Uh, roller skating, which I'm trash at, but at least he'll be forced to hold my hand.

[CHUCKLES]

♪♪ Wait, you think it's a bad choice?

Hold up.

Are you nervous?

f*ck you.

Yes.

Yes, I'm nervous.

He's not some, like, older guy who's never gonna be into me, or some suck-my-fisting-d*ck Grindr guy... sorry.

He...

He's, like, actual boyfriend material.

Also, over the break, I was like, "If I turn on the TV and 'Love Actually' is on, it means I'm marrying Bo."

It's always on.

What can I say?

It was on.

It was on.

I asked the universe.

The universe answered.

And she was like, "No more unrequited love for you, God bless."

- [CHILDREN SQUEALING]

- f*ck!

[VOMITING]

f*ck.

Ah!

CAPTAIN HOOK: Alright, ye scallywags, finish up ye nachos, because it's almost time for cake.

BOY: Can you stop talking?

You have a very annoying voice.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Are you okay?

- Yes.

I-I got us some food.

Oh, that is so sweet.

So, while I was in the bathroom, cleaning up vomit, um, I was thinking that you being a Taurus is actually the gods being like, "Hey, bitch, pay attention to this, and make it work," you know?

'Cause I'm a Scorpio, and...

WOMAN: Tyler, we do not take our clothes off in public!

Miss G... Miss Google was saying, like, Scorpio and Taurus, they share a personal belief system that goes deeper than the bottom of the ocean.

She also said, like, for physical pleasure, expect "crackling chemistry," but maybe I won't bring that up just yet.

Yeah, I don't know, it's just, like, the whole thought of u-us meeting on the roof.

Like, I-I feel like the universe is telling me to take this seriously and pursue it, either till it's, like, the end-all-be-all, or until it all falls apart, and one of us gets, like, epically hurt...

Oh, my God.

Uh.

I'm so sorry.

CAPTAIN HOOK: Please don't pull off me hook.

My friend wants to know...

Are you Jewish?

GIRL: Your teeth are very yellow.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

- MAN: Ah.

- What did I have in

this

hat?!

BO: Uh.

- Are you okay?

- Sorry.

No, no.

That's...

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

- Whoo!

- Oh, very smart.

My...

My mom's calling.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hi, Mom.

Presto chango!

Oh.

- Do I have to?

- [CHUCKLES]

Okay.

I'm so sorry, but, um...

my... my mom...

needs me to come home early, 'cause she has this emergency work, like, PowerPoint presentation, and she needs my help with it 'cause she can't...

do, um...

technology.

S-So, yeah..

♪♪ Okay.

♪♪ [CHILD SQUEALING IN DISTANCE]

♪ Underneath it all ♪ ♪♪

♪ I feel a sadness ♪ ♪♪

[ LINE RINGING]

♪ But there's something beautiful ♪

- Hello.

- It was sh*t, and I hate life.

RILEY: I'm sorry.

Come up here.

Eat some cupcakes, watch some people get abducted by aliens, and know that everybody up here really loves you.

Okay.

♪ I'm torn apart ♪

It sucked.

Don't...

Don't ask.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I forgive you for being so late.

Oh, my gosh.

There.

NATHAN: Dude, do you want me to run it back?

No, that's okay.

Here you go.

- Something like what?

- I don't know.

This is your Federal Bureau of Impossible Burger, okay?

Oh.

Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Does that look like...

Here's a, um, ginger [CHUCKLING] alien drink.

WOMAN ON TV: Yes.

♪♪ [CHUCKLES]

I don't know, but I'm going to find out.

♪♪ [ INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV]

[SIGHS]

♪ 'Cause I'm a lonely man ♪

I'm sorry.

[INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV]

- Are you?

- MAN ON TV:

Why am I less responsible?

'Cause I know you're gonna have my back.

I-I, um...

I-I really wanted not to have left that voicemail.

[CHUCKLES]

Like...

Like, as soon as I left it, I was like, "Ooh, f*ck."

Yeah.

No, i-it's all good.

I just...

Like, I...

You know it's never gonna be like that for us, right?

Yeah.

No, I know.

I-I was just, like, on dr*gs that day.

No, you weren't.

No, I-I wasn't.

♪♪ [CHUCKLES]

Um, but, like, more than anything, I-I really just want it to, like, not be weird between us.

Yes.

Yes.

I don't want it to be weird, either.

Like, you're sweet and funny, and I like you.

Like, seriously, who wouldn't wanna f*ck their clone

- if their clone was you?

- Oh, God.

J: I think the whole premise is that there's a truth that exists, but, I don't know, does it?

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV]

Um...

Okay.

Th...

This...

This might be a weird question, but, like, hopefully not, 'cause we just talked about everything and I'm, like, super clear about us, and there not being an us.

But...

But basically...

I had this whole thing with my mom, and she was, like, freaking out, and so, I decided to mess with her, and I told her I have a boyfriend.

Wait.

Who's your boyfriend?

Oh.

Oh, I don't have one.

I just said that to f*ck with her.

Impressive.

Thanks.

Um, so... so, basically, the... the question is...

would you ever, like...

I don't know, like, like, hug me or something in front of my mom, so she doesn't think I'm lying?

You...

You want me, as your friend, to pretend to be your boyfriend?

- Sort of?

- [CHUCKLES]

Won't that be confusing for you?

No.

Definitely not.

So, I would be helping out a friend, but also messing with a h*m* Evangelical white woman?

♪♪ - Bye.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Wait, wait, wait.

- Can she see me?

- Yep.

NATHAN: Is her head exploding?

- Yep.

- Thank you.

You're seriously such a good friend.

How bad do you want to mess with her?

Really bad.

Are you sure?

♪♪

[LAUGHS]

- Shake 'em!

- Whoo!

[LAUGHS]

♪ This was never ♪

- Whoo!

- ♪ The way I planned ♪

Yeah!

♪ Not my intention ♪

[CHEERS IN DISTANCE]

♪ I got so brave, drink in hand ♪

- ♪ Lost my discretion ♪

- Whoo!

- ♪ It's not what good boys do ♪

- Whoo!

Whoo!

♪ Not how they should behave ♪

- ♪ My head gets so confused ♪

- Oh!

♪ Hard to obey ♪ ♪ I kissed a boy, and I liked it ♪ ♪ The taste of his cherry ChapStick ♪ ♪ I kissed a boy just to try it ♪ ♪ I hope my girlfriend don't mind it ♪ ♪ It felt so wrong ♪ ♪ It felt so right ♪ ♪ Don't mean I'm in love tonight ♪ ♪ I kissed a boy, and I liked it ♪ ♪♪ ♪ I liked it ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Not how they should behave ♪ ♪ My head gets so confused ♪ ♪ Hard to obey ♪ ♪ I kissed a boy, and I liked it ♪ ♪ The taste of his cherry ChapStick ♪ ♪ I kissed a boy just to try it ♪ ♪ I hope my girlfriend don't mind it ♪ ♪ It felt so wrong ♪ ♪ It felt so right ♪ ♪ Don't mean I'm in love tonight ♪ ♪ I kissed a boy, and I liked it ♪ ♪♪ ♪ I liked it ♪