01x05 - Sweet Sixteen

[bunniefuu]

VICTOR: Dear Simon, things
have been pretty tense at home

since we learned the real
reason we left Texas.

- ISABEL: No way.
- PILAR: What are you

freaking out about this time?

Those aren't shorts.
They're denim underpants.

People who have affairs
shouldn't be throwing stones.

ISABEL: You look like Madonna
in the "Like a Prayer" video.

Wow. That would really hurt my feelings

if I actually understood
your references.

- [ARGUING CONTINUES]
- VICTOR: Luckily, my family has me.

For as long as I can remember,
I've been my family's fixer.

There's no problem I can't smooth over

with a well-timed joke,
a charming anecdote,

or, when all else fails... carbs.

- [INDISTINCT ARGUING]
- Who wants pancakes?

Oh. I could go for pancakes.

Banana for me.

Oh, so Victor's allowed to
use the stove?

- Shh. Eat your pancakes.
- These smell so good, mijo. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Have you decided what you want to
do for your birthday this Saturday?

I thought we could throw you a party,

invite your friends over...

That's okay. It's such short notice.

I'm sure everyone has plans, you know?

Oh. Okay.

I just thought we could all use
a celebration around here.

ARMANDO: Yeah, all right.
See you soon, Mami. Bye.

See you soon? Why are
you gonna see her soon?

Oh, my parents wanna visit for
Victor's birthday this weekend.

Yes! Finally! Abuelita in the house!

ISABEL: Seriously, Armando?

Pilar is being horrible to me,

and now on top of that,
I'm gonna have your mom

- here hating me?
- ARMANDO: Yes!

- ISABEL: I can't even...
- ARMANDO: What's the problem?

- ISABEL: You know what the problem is!
- Let's throw the party.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah. It'll be fun. I mean,

you guys can meet my friends,

and Abuela Nati and Tito
can celebrate with us.

Our first party in our new
home. Hmm? [KISSING NOISES]

I'm so excited.

Okay! Party time!

VICTOR: Maybe something fun
and distracting was exactly

what we needed to get
our family groove back.

That is what we're gonna do. I'm
just excited about having a party

and meeting your friends. Are
they nice? I bet you they are.

Okay, piñatas...

♪ Waiting for the time ♪

♪ Waiting for the place ♪

♪ And I, I, I ♪

♪ I, I need ♪

♪ Somebody to tell
me it'll be all right ♪

♪ Somebody to tell
me it'll be just fine ♪

♪ If someone has been there
before, say it right now ♪

♪ 'Cause I just need to hear it ♪

♪ If you get it, get it ♪

Yeah, of course. Of course
we'll be there, right?

Uh, depends. Who else will be there?

An Insta-models?
Influencers? Kardashians?

No. Just you guys, my
family, and my grandparents.

[LAUGHS]

Oh. Oh, you're serious.

Victor's family is a delight.

I like to think of myself
as the third Salazar kid.

Adrian's the third Salazar kid.

Adrian.

Um, this means I'm gonna
meet your parents?

Yeah. Is that cool?

- Yeah.
- That's awesome.

Okay, can you guys stop
gently smiling at each other?

We have some serious
business to discuss.

Victor's party is going to blow
without some more bodies.

- Uh, hey, Benji.
- Hey.

LAKE: Victor is having a
birthday party on Saturday,

and his ratio of hot people
to old people is totally tragic.

Wanna come?

I mean, only if you want to.
There's, there's no pressure.

Sure, I'm in. I'll bring Derek.

- I mean, if that's cool.
- Yeah. I love Derek.

Great. We'll be there.

Hey, guys, my break's over.

Okay. Bye.

- VICTOR: Dear Simon...
- Hey.

VICTOR: ...there's going to be an actual

out-and-proud gay couple at my house.

Here's hoping my
grandfather's gotten more...

open-minded, since we left Texas.

Why are you playing with a fairy wand?

It's my Elsa wand, from Frozen.

It turns things into ice. Be ice, couch!

- You're ice. You're ice...
- Do you let him play with girls' toys?

What? Oh, no. Uh, that's actually
a, a hand-me-down from Pilar.

He usually uses it to,
um, to sword fight.

- Yeah, he's a very macho boy.
- [SCREECHES]

[SQUEALING] Hi!

- Tickle my back and tell me I'm guapo.
- Okay.

Every day I wish your mother hadn't
moved you across the country

for no reason at all.

Actually, there is a really good
reason why we moved from Texas.

Which is that Papi got a great new job,

and hooked us up with
this sick apartment.

Yes, it does look a
little sick. [LAUGHS]

- Hola, Natalia.
- Hola.

- ISABEL: Tito, ¿cómo estás?
- TITO: Hola, mija.

NATALIA: Óyeme, Victor.

What would you like me to
make you for your birthday?

Buñuelos, or pasteles de gloria?

Actually, I'm gonna be making a
tres leches cake, just like yours.

Oh. We'll see about that.

I thought you were joking on the phone.

Is she really baking?

Abuela, did Papi tell you?

My new friends are coming to the party.

- [GASPS] Oh!
- ARMANDO: Oh, yeah. That's right.

We're all gonna get to meet the
mystery girl that Victor's been dating.

Oh, so Victor finally has a novia, huh?

Sí. [CHUCKLES]

At least one of your boys is gonna
give me some great-grandchildren.

ADRIAN: Ice power! Ice! Ice! Ice!

Be ice, couch!

It's too much eyeliner.

Okay, I need makeup that says,

"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Salazar.

I'm Mia, a perfectly respectable
girl for your son to date".

This totally says that,

while also hinting that
you have a wild side.

If they really love their son,
they'll want that for him.

[MIA GROANS]

Why are you so stressed about this?

I guess...

Victor's family is like,
his whole world,

and he's becoming a
big part of my world,

so I just need them to like me.

My God, you're like, next
level into him, aren't you?

No, I'm... Maybe. I don't know. Stop.

I wish I had a super
sweet, super cute boy

who wanted to parade me around.

Oh, are you still bummed it
didn't work out with Andrew?

Oh, no. No, I'm over that.

Andrew's just as blah as all
the other guys at Creekwood.

I want someone exciting.
And spontaneous.

The kind of guy who isn't afraid to
do something crazy and unexpected,

- like rob a bank.
- So, a criminal.

It's not a crime if
you don't get caught.

Mm, that's not at all how it works.

Do you really think Victor's
parents will like me?

They will love you. You're
a parents' wet dream.

And mostly because I
don't say things like that.

- [SOCCER GAME PLAYING ON TV]
- [TITO CHEERING]

[ALL YELLING AND CHEERING]

Oh!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

FELIX: Sports...

- MIA AND LAKE: Happy birthday!
- Hey, guys.

Thanks for coming. You look really nice.

- [LAUGHS]
- Right?

And the craziest part is she didn't even

think about the way she looked.

- Yeah.
- No, it didn't cross her mind.

Shut up.

The other guys... Oh, hey.

This is Lake and Mia.

- Oh.
- Nice to meet you both.

Which one are you dating?

[EXHALES] Sorry. Mia.

- Oh. Ay, otra vez, otra vez.
- No!

Come on. Wait, they
were totally off-sides.

- Yes, thank you!
- Me encanta esta niña.

Yeah, I don't know how you
tricked her into going out with you,

- but, uh, do not screw it up.
- [VICTOR LAUGHING]

I'll try not to, Papi.

Oh, uh, should I meet your mom?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be great.

- Great mustache, by the way.
- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

VICTOR: Well, Simon, looks
like the fixer's done it again.

I hadn't seen my dad smile in days.

Until he met Mia.

ISABEL: You have got to be kidding me.

You are not wearing that to this party.

What? This is my house. I can
wear what I want in my house.

No, you can't.

Because I can't have your
abuela giving me another lecture

on how I let you listen to devil music.

Now please, go to your room and change,

before she finishes putting
on her makeup and sees you.

Fine. I'll go to my room, but I'm
not coming to this stupid party

just so we can all pretend
we're still a happy family.

- Pilar!
- [DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, Mom, this is... this is Mia.

- Hi.
- Hello. I'm sorry you had to see that.

No, it's fine.

My mom and I had a pretty terrible
relationship sometimes, too.

We don't have a terrible
relationship. We just had a fight.

- No, of course. I, um, I...
- [CLATTERING]

I meant, um, I don't know.

- I don't know what I meant.
- [VICTOR CHUCKLES]

Wow. You really do not look like
you could have a -year-old son,

Mrs. Salazar.

You speak Spanish.

A little. Uh, my dad used to teach
summer sessions in Barcelona.

Mia has traveled all over. [CHUCKLES]

Mia, may I have a moment
alone with my son, please?

- She's nice, right?
- Yeah. Yeah, she seems great,

but we have a major
emergency on our hands.

I need to get another tres leches cake.

What? Why?

I forgot to get the third leche,

so I doubled up on the second leche,

thinking you wouldn't be able to tell,

but you can tell, Victor.
You can totally tell!

And if I don't fix this,

I am gonna be hearing about
how I tanked tres leches cake

from your abuela until she is dead.

Which might be today,
because I'm gonna m*rder her

for giving me so much
crap about the cake.

It's fine. It's fine.

Listen, scrap that cake.
I'll get a new one,

and abuela will never have
to know. Okay? Come here.

Okay. Ay, mi vida.

You're always saving the day.

Okay. Ay.

VICTOR: Lake, would you be
able to do me a huge favor

and run to the Mexican bakery
and pick up a tres leches cake?

- Oh...
- I'll come with you.

Uh, Victor's grandfather said I'm

no longer allowed to follow him around

with Google translate, so...

[SIGHS] Fine, we'll go.
Just don't be weird.

[WITH COCKNEY ACCENT] Oh.
I wouldn't dream of it, m'lady.

And you failed.

[LAKE SIGHS]

'Course I have to leave when
the one sexy person shows up.

No offense, Victor!

Hey, Benji.

- You made it.
- Hey.

A little something for the birthday boy.

[CHUCKLES]

You didn't have to get me a gift.

I had to park in front of a hydrant.

So nobody set anything on fire.

[LAUGHS] Hey, man. Thanks for coming.

Yeah. Anything this guy wants.

TITO: Victor.

Who are your friends?

Uh, oh, Tito, this is
Benji, my coworker,

and Derek, his, uh,
band mate. [CHUCKLES]

- TITO: Ah, ¿como los Bee Gees?
- Sí. [CHUCKLES]

Seriously? "His band mate?"

Well, you guys are in a band together.

Yeah, well, I prefer
the term "boyfriend".

No, no, of course. It's just...

My family's going through
a hard time right now.

I just really need today to go well,

and if my grandfather makes a scene,

it'll lead to a fight between
my parents, and I just...

I'm just not sure how much
more fighting we can take.

Whatever. Just... forget about it.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hola. We need your
biggest tres leches cake.

Sí. Es una cake emergencia.

Look, as much as it pains me not
to help out two flustered kids

with their cake... "emergencia",

this is the last one I got,
and I just sold it to that guy.

Okay. Let me handle this.

[SIGHS] Hello, sir.

Uh, you seemed to have gotten
the last tres leches cake,

and I was hoping to buy it from you.

Look, I'd love to help, but it's
an apology cake for my wife.

I called her sister "shrill" and
then tried to defend my point.

Way to go, Jeff.

Sir.

Hi. Sir, uh, today is my best
friend Victor's birthday.

This cake is his favorite dessert
in the whole wide world.

So, is there any chance you'd be
willing to take a different cake?

No.

Well, I'm, uh, I'm sorry
you feel that way.

- [CHANGE CLATTERS]
- Lake, run. I said run! Go, go, go!

- LAKE: Felix, what are you doing?
- FELIX: Hurry, hurry!

And my dad is president of a university.

Oh, wow! Qué fancy.

You really struck the jackpot, niño.

Isabel, did you know that Mia
used to summer in Barcelona?

So I've heard.

[SOCCER GAME PLAYING ON TV]

Excuse me.

[DISTANT METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

No, no. Not today.

[SCREAMING] Not today, Pilar!

Why do you let her play that
devil music in your house?

I just screamed, "Not today, Pilar".

It is her brother's birthday,

and you can't even get her
to come out of her room?

Well, I could go talk
to her, if you want.

Sure. Have at it.

- TITO: Do you get paid?
- Just in tips and free bar nuts.

[CHUCKLES]

I bet you guys are
cleaning up with the ladies.

DEREK: [LAUGHING] Uh, no. Not really.

- Actually, we are...
- Too busy.

Between music and school,

who has the time to date?

I'm gonna get my drink.

- Hey.
- Hmm?

TITO: Have you ever heard of
Frank Sinatra? Now that's music.

Y-you didn't have to do that.

- I'm wearing heels!
- Come on!

I cannot believe you did that. It
was like, straight out of a movie!

I know. We were like Bonnie and Clyde.

But seriously, though, I think my heart

is going to explode. Here. Feel.

[SIGHS]

Um, okay, well, it looks
like the coast is clear,

so we should probably
get back to the party,

and pray there are more guests.

I'm on the prowl for a
spontaneous hottie, so...

[METAL MUSIC BLASTING]

She sent you in here?

- Coward.
- Uh, actually, I volunteered.

- Do you mind if I turn this...
- [MUSIC STOPS]

So, um, Victor...

told me what happened
with your mom and dad.

Yeah. I'm sorry, Pilar.

I know it's not the same, but...

when my parents started
going through their sh*t,

uh, let's just say there wasn't
enough angry music in the world

- that would have made me feel better.
- Yeah.

This thing my mom did back in Texas...

...it ruined everything.

I mean, my family's always been lame.

But before this, we were kind of happy.

It's pretty terrible, isn't it?

When you realize your parents

don't actually have it all together.

That they're actually just pretending

they know what they're
doing for our sake.

Well, the good ones bother pretending.

My mom didn't.

Hmm.

- [GAME PLAYING ON TV]
- [LAUGHTER, CHATTING]

- DEREK: Can we just go, please?
- BENJI: Come on. It's his birthday.

DEREK: I don't care. Benji, I'm
not pretending to be straight

for some h*m* old man.

BENJI: Can you not right now?

[SIGHS] God.

[PHONE DINGS]

SIMON: Dear Victor,

sounds like your family is
very lucky to have you.

I wish I had a pancake-making
fixer in my life.

One thing, though.

Your messages have all been about

things going smoothly for your family,

and not for you. But you're
dealing with a lot, Victor.

Your conservative grandfather.

Mia meeting your parents. Benji
in your house with his boyfriend.

I guess what I'm saying is,

sometimes it's easier to
focus on fixing other people

than on your own stuff.

Look, it just made me
feel uncomfortable.

I know. I'm sorry. Okay?

Okay.

- I don't want to fight anymore, okay?
- Same.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Hey. Where are we on the cake?

Uh, Felix texted. It's on the way.

Um, I just talked to Pilar.

I think maybe she might
join the party soon.

That's awesome. Thank you.

Yes, thanks.

No problem. I just talked
to her. [CHUCKLES]

One angsty teen girl to another.

[CHUCKLING]

Is your mom always so, um... so prickly?

I'm sorry. She's having a bad day.

Hey, Victor, a word?

Uh, yeah.

Hey. Is everything okay?

Tito just saw your two friends,
the, uh, guys in the band, kissing.

Uh...

That's because...

they're... together.

You need to tell them
not to do that here.

What if your little brother sees them?

Victor, just... please.
It's a family party.

[WHISPERS] Please, son.

♪ ♪

No!

I'm sorry, Papi. I really wanted
today to go smoothly, but...

those are my friends.

I'm not gonna tell them not to be
who they are if that bothers you.

That's your problem.
Not theirs, and not mine.

This is how you teach your
son to speak to his abuelo?

Yeah. It is.

I raised him to be true to himself,

and to stand up for the
people that he cares about.

And since we're being true to ourselves,

my tres leches cake was
garbage, so I threw it out.

Not that it would have
impressed you, anyway.

I do my best, Natalia, every day.

That's all I can do, and I
am sorry if it is not enough.

No, no. It's more than enough.

Isabel is amazing,

and she's raising our kids
to be good, decent people.

You need to give her a break.

Lo siento, pero...

It's hard for us, that's all.

Everything is changing.

This is not the world we grew up in.

Our grandkids can barely speak Spanish.

Boys kissing boys instead of girls?

NATALIA: It seems like
everything that matters to us

is disappearing.

Including you, mijo.

We just don't understand why
you had to move so far away.

I can tell you why.

Pilar, please.

It was better for our family.

You, of all people,
should understand that.

That's why you left Colombia.

♪ ♪

ADRIAN: ♪ Happy birthday to
you, happy birthday to you ♪

- Ice!
- [PRETEND GROANING]

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- Ice!

- Oh, come on, Dad. Do us!
- Do us, do us!

- ADRIAN: Ice! Ice!
- ARMANDO: I'm melting!

- I'm melting.
- Come on!

I got your power!

- Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice!
- [ALL CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

- I'm freezing everybody!
- [EXCLAIMS]

- NATALIA: [LAUGHING] He got me!
- Aah! I got you!

[DISTANT YELLING, LAUGHING]

MIA: [SIGHS] I thought you
could, uh, use some help.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Um, it's, it's been a while
since I've been around,

you know, a mom.

Being around you, uh,

it's hard for me.

Because it reminds me of what I've lost.

But you're Victor's favorite person,

so I've been trying to push past that,

and make a good impression for him.

So, um, yeah. That's all.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY] Do you know...

It's funny, isn't it?

I swore to myself a thousand times

that I would never, ever
be like my mother-in-law.

And then my son brings home
his first girlfriend, and...

I'm cold as ice.

I know...

[LAUGHING] Mothers and their sons.

We love them so much,
no one else stands a chance.

Thank you.

For talking to Pilar.

It was my pleasure, Mrs. Salazar.

You know what? You
can just call me Isabel.

Um, yeah. Isa... Okay. Isabel.

[LAUGHS] Great.

We're gonna head out.

Derek turns into a pumpkin if he's
not watching reality TV by : .

[BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY]

I, I'm sorry, Benji.

Coming out was really
hard for me, Victor.

And it's still hard for
me to be who I am.

I know. And for the record,

I think who you are is, is pretty great.

I hope you like my present.

ISABEL: Hey, everybody. Cake time!

[EXCITED CHATTERING]

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Victor ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Come on, Victor. Make a wish.

[BLOWS]

[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

FELIX: Happy birthday, man.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- What?

Thank you for today.

For trying so hard with my
little sister, and my mom.

Of course.

That's what girlfriends do.

I mean, not that, not that I'm your...

Oh, my God. Okay, I am just gonna
go stuff my mouth with cake,

- so that I can't talk.
- Mia, stop.

Of course you're my girlfriend.

Thank God. That was
almost really embarrassing.

[BOTH LAUGH SOFTLY]

- Um, cake?
- Cake, yeah.

- Yeah, cake.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

VICTOR: Dear Simon, against the odds,

I think my party actually brought
my family closer together.

But you might be right.

Focusing on their problems is way
easier than focusing on my own.

My brother asked me to
make a wish tonight, and...

I didn't even know how to
put what I want into words.

But I guess if I had to try,

I wish that will be the year

I finally figure out what I want.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Hey, flaco.
- Hey.

- Can we talk?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Um, the way you spoke
to Tito at the party...

I, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to raise my voice.

Oh, no. No, no.

I should be saying sorry. Um...

I'm proud of you for standing up to him.

Uh, I was never great at that.

You know, when I was a
kid, he was hard on me.

It was always, "Do better in
school. Run faster in soccer".

I was always so desperate
for his approval.

I still am.

Anyway, um,

what you said about those boys,

you were brave,

and, uh, I agree.

It's their lives. They
can do what they want.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, I guess I just never
knew how you felt about... that.

What business is it of mine what
some boys in your school are up to?

- Right?
- Yeah.

[ARMANDO CHUCKLES]

I just hope that Tito's wrong,

and your little brother
doesn't turn out that way.

Anyway, I love you.
Happy birthday, mijo.

Love you, too.

["TIME" BY COLOURING PLAYING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

♪ Time it takes to break my heart ♪

♪ If only I could figure out ♪

♪ Time it takes to make your mark
when the minutes running out ♪

♪ Oh I can't sleep at night ♪

♪ Every second counts ♪

♪ Holding the wheel so tight,
are we breaking down ♪

♪ I never thought I would
want us to turn back 'round ♪

♪ Am I out of time ♪

♪ Just give me more time ♪

♪ Just give me more time ♪