Hey, you wanted to speak
with us, Agent Johnson?
KC, I'm sending you
to Switzerland tomorrow
to attend the International
Conference of Young Espionage Agents.
No way. What an honor.
That's...
Only the best of the best agents
get to go to that conference.
- Thank you.
- You've earned it, KC.
So what time should
we be at the airport?
Oh...
Okay, what time should I
drop KC off at the airport?
Don't be ridiculous, Ernie.
- So I am going?
- No.
I meant we have a car service for KC,
but I figured, why rub your nose in it?
Ooh, is it one of those
fancy stretch limos?
Of course not, KC.
We're on a budget.
Enough is enough!
I should be going.
I'm tired of being overlooked.
I'm just as good as KC.
When's it gonna be my time?
If you're referring to shower time,
that would've been this
morning, and every morning.
Relax, Ernie.
You'll be hosting
a group of young international agents,
training them in our latest
computer innovations and gadgets.
So just to clarify,
I'm in charge of training this team?
- Yes.
- And not to nitpick,
but my team will be made
up of actual real people,
not like the time I was
in charge of cleaning up
- after that dog sled team?
- Yes.
And how many of these
agents will be single ladies?
Ernie, don't make me
take this away from you.
♪ Oh, when danger comes for you ♪
♪ You know I'll stand beside you ♪
♪ 'Cause ain't nobody
keep their head so cool ♪
♪ I'll always find a way,
a way out of the fire ♪
♪ Don't tell nobody, tell nobody ♪
♪ I'm not perfect ♪
♪ So many things I wanna tell you ♪
♪ But I, I, I, I
keep it undercover ♪
♪ Livin' my life, on red alert ♪
♪ Doin' my thing,
gonna make it work ♪
♪ Know I'm the realest,
baby, I'm fearless ♪
♪ But I always got your back ♪
♪ Nobody can do it like I can ♪
♪ I gotta find out who I am ♪
♪ Ain't got to worry about me ♪
♪ It's all part of the plan ♪
I keep it undercover.
I keep it undercover.
Welcome, everybody.
I'm Agent Ernie Cooper,
and I'm honored to be your team leader.
I could not be more thrilled
to further your training
in the art of espionage.
Now, it is a tradition in my country
to open with a joke, so here we go.
Why are there no knock-knock
jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
Okay, not hilarious, but come on.
You can at least cr*ck a smile for me.
Don't worry, it's not your barely
mediocre sense of humor, Ernie.
They just don't speak your language.
C'est agréable d'être ici, mais je
ne comprends pas ce que vous dites.
Baegopa.
Meog-eul geiss-eo?
Hola. Me llama Lecia de Mexico.
El vuelo aquí tenia con baches,
así que no nos dejaron
levantarnos por siete horas.
This is probably a good time
to mention that I don't speak Spanish,
or any other language.
Howard, can we get some kids
from Australia, England, and Canada?
Don't worry. Once my
TUNG is in your ear,
we'll all understand each other.
Understand this, Howard.
That ain't gonna happen.
No, I'm talking about
my Translation
Understanding Neuro Gadget.
AKA the TUNG.
Well, in that case, what
are you waiting for, Howard?
TUNG me.
(Devices beeping)
Hello, Ernie. It is a pleasure
to make your acquaintance.
It's so great to be in
your nation's capital.
That's better.
Now what were you trying
to say in Spanish before?
Show me where your bathroom
is before you have to show me
where your mop is.
Well, I'd say we're off
to a pretty good start.
Once the IP address is
re-set, you're golden.
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
is how you penetrate a firewall
without getting b*rned.
Did you not understand Ernie's wordplay,
or is your translator broken?
My translator's fine.
It's the joke that's broken.
Or your sense of humor.
Anyhoo...
Howard's now gonna demonstrate
some of our new field gear.
Now, you may think that
this is a normal set of pens,
but you'd be makin'
a dilly of a whoopsie.
Dagger.
Laser.
Finally, climbing spikes.
Okay, who wants to climb?
Uh...
Go ahead, Amelie.
No, thanks. I'm good. Lecia, go for it.
That's okay. I'll just sit here.
Seriously? No one wants to try?
Even I could do this.
Come on, guys.
This stuff could come in handy
on your next field mission.
Oh, I don't go on field missions.
I never leave the van.
Really? What about you, Amelie?
I also never leave the van.
- I don't stay in the van.
- Great.
I stay on a bike.
You mean a bike like, vroom, vroom?
No. A bike.
Like,
ding-a-ling.
Vans are scary.
You mean you guys are all van people?
Not me, as I mentioned.
Ding-a-ling.
Yeah, I get it.
- I'm in charge of Team Ding-A-Ling.
- (Device rings)
Hey, what's up, bro?
This conference is so dope.
I'm with the coolest agents.
We literally just jumped
out of a plane with skis on,
landed on a mountain,
skied down the mountain,
to a cabin, and saved eight hostages.
Yes, but where was the van?
Uh, who's that?
We saved nine hostages,
and that was one of them.
Things are just as awesome
here as they are there.
If you don't think so, you'd be makin'
a dilly of a whoopsie. Gotta go! Bye.
Can you believe KC's in
James Bond fantasy camp,
and we're with the van people?
I know, right?
We're with the van people!
Van, van.
All: Van, van, van,
van, van, van, van, van!
(Chanting continues)
Morning, agents.
I have brought you all a
traditional American meal.
Breakfast burritos. They're
scrum-diddly-umcious.
You know, Ernie, in my country,
if you're wearing
pajamas past : a.m.,
it means you d*ed in your sleep.
What's wrong, Ernie?
Look. I am a walrus.
It is true. The pencils resemble tusks,
making you look like a walrus.
Lecia, look at Jin.
Where is Jin?
I only see a walrus.
- I love America!
- (Making walrus noises)
That's what's wrong.
That's my team.
I'm so disappointed.
I thought this was gonna be
my big sh*t to prove myself.
The only thing it proves
is how little faith
the Organization has in me.
Good morning, agents.
I have a very important
mission for you.
You do? I mean, of course you do.
Why wouldn't you? You
have total faith in me.
- But you just...
- Eat your breakfast.
You were saying something
about an important mission, sir?
We've received intel
that the website Buzziebuzz
is using clickbait quizzes to
build psychological profiles
on the youth population.
So what do you need us to do?
You're gonna sit in the
van, and observe and report.
And then?
Observe and report some more.
- And then?
- Observe and report!
Johnson out.
Okay, okay.
Okay, team.
It may sound like he just
wants us to observe and report,
but still, a game changer.
A chance to prove ourselves.
We have a mission.
Everyone, to the van!
Van, van, van, van...
Bike, bike, bike, bike...
All right, fine.
Van, van, van, van, van, van, van, van!
(Chanting continues)
Now, the key to observing and reporting
is you don't report
until you've observed.
Jin, what's in your hand?
Nothing.
What's in your hand?
Nothing!
Show me your hand, walrus.
Come on, pay attention, people.
Let's review.
Lecia, if you see your mark
leaving, what do you do?
If your mark is leaving, the
first thing is don't panic.
The second thing is...
para informar a su supervisor
y pregunte si debe cola
a una distancia segura
o permanece donde estás.
Howard, I think there's something
wrong with your TUNG device.
Trust me, it's fine.
Il fait très chaud ici.
Est-il possible que nous
puissions ouvrir une fenêtre?
Okay, maybe it's on the fritz.
Great.
How am I supposed to lead
this rag-tag team to greatness
if I can't understand
anything anyone's saying?
Howard, fix it.
Listen.
There is a nice way
to ask me to do that,
and then, there's the way you just did.
Or, let me put it in a
way you'll understand.
I just observed you acting like a butt.
And now I will report it to you.
Ernie, you're a butt!
You take that back.
Take that back right now!
(All yelling at once)
Quiet! Silencio! Sh!
Where's Lecia?
I don't know.
Lecia est dans les bureaux Buzziebuzz.
I don't speak French.
Lecia est dans les bureaux Buzziebuzz!
Ernie: What is she doing in Buzziebuzz?
If they spot her in there,
she'll blow our cover.
Are you sure they can't understand us?
- Yes.
- Good.
You knuckleheads stay here.
Howard, let's go.
Ernie, psst. Look over there.
Is it Lecia?
No. They have a rug
made out of fake grass.
What are they gonna think of next?
Who cares about the rug?
We have to find Lecia.
There she is.
Lecia.
Son muy tacaños con el mango aquí.
Lecia, what are you doing?
This is not observing and reporting.
This is drinking juice and trespassing.
You could blow our cover.
Forget it. Let's go.
Brady!
Ernie, we should get back to the van,
and report that Brady's here.
No, we should follow him
and see what he's doing.
We know what he's doing.
He's zipping around the halls.
What we don't know is what Jin is doing.
I think we both know what Jin is doing.
Walrus Jin, Walrus Jin, Walrus Jin!
I'm the leader, and we're gonna
find out what Brady's doing here.
Come on.
Quick, Howard, I need one
of your high-tech gadgets
to hear what's going on.
I could've done that.
And yet, you didn't.
BRADY: We gathered enough
information to begin the process
of brainwashing our teenage audience.
Before you know it,
they'll do anything we want.
The Alternate will reign supreme.
Buzziebuzz isn't just a website.
It's a front for the Alternate.
I knew those clickbait
quizzes were annoying.
Didn't know they were evil, too.
Come on, we have to
get back to the van now.
There you guys are. What is going on?
How are you speaking English again?
I reprogrammed our devices.
Let me fix yours, Lecia.
Oh, thank you.
Why'd you take my mango
juice? I wasn't done with it.
Don't hit me. I bruise like a peach.
Nobody's hitting anybody.
Guys, we just found out
Buzziebuzz is a front
for the Alternate,
and they're about to brainwash
kids all over the world.
Isn't this great?
We observed, and now we
have great info to report.
No. We're not reporting anything.
We're taking action.
We're going back in,
downloading their data,
and destroying their mainframe.
But that's not our mission.
Besides, we cannot handle that.
We're just the van people.
Guys, listen to me.
I believe in us.
We're not just van people.
There's a reason you were
all picked for this program.
We are not very good at our jobs?
They didn't have
anywhere else to send us?
I won the office raffle!
No. The reason is because
we're all good at something,
and we can learn from each other.
Amelie, what's your specialty?
I am an expert coder.
Great. So you can create the virus
that will destroy their mainframe.
- Lecia, what can you do?
- I can hack.
So you can get past the
mainframe's firewalls,
and upload the virus.
And you, Jin. What are you good at?
I am an architectural engineer.
Now all of the pencils make sense.
And you can read the
building's schematics,
and lead us to the mainframe.
I don't know about this, Ernie.
Well, I do.
All around the world,
they make fun of the van guys.
We may not be impressive on our own,
but together, we make one good agent.
Starting today, we will no longer be
the butt of their jokes.
We're gonna show them that us jokes
are better than they think.
Ernie's right.
I am a joke.
- I am a joke.
- We're all jokes.
And Ernie is the biggest joke of us all.
No, no, no, no.
That's not what I...
Joke, joke, joke, joke,
joke, joke, joke, joke!
(Chanting continues)
Okay, guys, Lecia and I
are in. Where's Howard?
I'm in position.
But don't call me
Howard. Use my code name.
Huggy Bear.
Howard, I am not calling you Huggy Bear.
Now let's get ready.
It's time to bake the biscuits.
Time to wrap the tamales.
Time to make the crepe batter.
Time to ferment the kimchi.
Okay, Jin, where do we go?
According to the schematic,
you should take the
stairwell to the fourth floor.
And the third door on the right
is where you'll find the mainframe.
Got it. Let's move.
The door's locked. You're up, Howard.
(Clears throat)
Fine. You're up, Huggy Bear.
We're in. Amelie, Lecia, you're up.
Okay, let me know when
you get past the firewall,
and I'll remotely upload the virus.
Okay, I'm in.
AMELIE: I'm receiving the data.
It will take a few minutes
to upload the virus.
Howard, keep an eye out, and
let me know if someone is coming.
Someone's coming.
Exactly. When someone
comes, you say that.
Someone's coming.
Right. When you see someone,
that's exactly what you say.
Someone's here.
Brady.
Hello, Ernie.
Hello...
Trey Appleton Junior?!
Actually, the name is Huggy Bear.
Howard. I'm Howard.
What are you guys doing here?
I know what you're up to, Brady.
You don't know what
you're talking about.
Hold them off. The information
is still downloading.
You'd think for a fancy website company,
they'd have better Wi-Fi.
Ernie, you need to listen to me.
You're making a big mistake.
Big mistake. I bet that's
what the doctor said
when you were born.
Ernie, I'm telling you to back down.
Too late.
I'm serving biscuits with a two-piece.
Sorry. Not sorry.
- Huh?
- Made you look!
Ernie, stop.
Ernie. Ernie.
There's something I have to tell you.
Tell it to my size tens.
Ernie, use the pens.
Wait, Ernie, Ernie, no, no, no.
The virus is uploaded.
The system is now corrupt.
Both: Yes!
We did it, guys. We did it!
Ernie, congratulations!
Mission accomplished.
(Sighs)
I never thought I'd hear those words.
Let me just take it in
and enjoy this moment.
(Alarm blares)
Computer Voice: Security breached.
Okay, moment's over. Let's go.
Good afternoon, Agent Johnson.
Ernie Cooper's van team reporting.
I don't remember saying
you had to come in.
Couldn't you just email me?
Well, it's kinda hard
to send an enemy agent
as an attachment.
Wait a minute. Is that...
Ernie: In the flesh.
I know you just told us
to observe and report.
But that was a
real snooze-a-roony.
Long story short, we found Brady,
and brought him in.
Even though it wasn't
part of your mission.
That's correct, sir.
So you wanna start
the promotion ceremony now or...
No, actually,
I'm gonna yell at you like
I've never yelled at you before.
Wait, what? Why?
We turned Brady.
He was working for us as a double agent.
I was the inside guy, Ernie.
At least until you dragged me outside.
He was giving us important
intel about the Alternate.
Tried to tell him, boss.
He just wouldn't listen.
Sir, I, uh...
I didn't realize.
I mean...
Sorry.
Come on, Brady. We need to figure out
a way to get you back in.
I'll deal with you later.
Who am I kidding?
I'm no leader.
I guess, once a van guy,
always a van guy.
Hey, forget Johnson.
You are a leader.
This was the best
mission I've ever been on.
Yes. Because of you,
I feel like I can be a better agent.
And you made me believe in myself.
In fact, I'm going to
apply to be a field agent.
Thanks to you, I know I can do it.
You really have inspired us all
to be the best that we can be.
You know what?
It's true.
So what if we defied orders,
and ruined an important
double-agent
intelligence-gathering mission?
The important thing is,
we ruined it as a team!
Today, I, Ernie Cooper,
am proud to say,
I am a van person!
Van, van, van, van, van, van, van, van,
van, van, van, van, van, van, van, van!
Rob, your name's on TV.