01x06 - i'M Cursed

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, pretty.

Are these "I love you" flowers, or "I'm sorry" flowers?

They're for you from a fan, which makes them

"Please scrub our address from the internet so I can feel safe in my own home" flowers.

"Happy birthday". Nope.

I like flowers.

Okay.

We are all booked for Carly's birthday trip to Snoqualmie Falls.

- Yeah!
- Woo!

Snoqualmie Falls birthday trip, yes!

You guys are going to have so much fun. Send pics.

You're not coming?

Carly sends us away every year because of her evil birthday curse.

[TOGETHER] Ooh.

Don't know why you guys are doing ghost noises.

I'd take a ghost over this curse any day.

Ghosts can be hot.
Remember Patrick Swayze?

She's had a few minor mishaps on a few July ths.

A Few? Minor?

th birthday, gummy bear lamp,
b*rned down my bedroom.

th, chipped my tooth on a banana, th, got mugged for my Tamagotchi.

I miss you, Kuchipatchi.

It's the curse.

[TOGETHER] Ooh!

Hey, Freddie, when did you get served your divorce papers for both marriages?

July th. I rescind my "woo".

That's why I now spend my birthday alone with a pie and nothing else.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

If I'm home alone in my pajamas eating soft food with a spoon, there's no way the curse can touch me.

Happy birthday, Carly Shay.

Principal Franklin? Hi.

It's so good to see you.

Curse.

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best and leave the rest to me ♪

Why would you do that?
We love Principal Franklin.

Him being here can only mean one of two things.

There was a clerical error and I didn't actually graduate, or the school b*rned down and they're trying to pin it on me for leaving sparklers in my locker.

Oh, get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

So sorry about that, Principal Franklin.

Please, come in, have a seat.

Don't worry; it's not about the sparklers.

Then what does bring you here so dangerously close to my birthday?

I come bearing a gift.

Remember when Ms. Briggs asked all of her students to write letters to their future selves to be delivered on their th birthday?

Oh, yeah,

The "Where do you see yourself in years?" thing.

She said she was going to deliver them herself.

Well, she was supposed to, but she canceled

- at the last minute.
- She twist an ankle?

Break a hip? She fall down a well?

Please tell me she fell down a well.

Oh, she's fine.

- She just hates you.
- Mm, sure.

- Yeah, that makes sense.
- Here you go.

This is so cool.

She also gave me yours, Freddie.

But my birthday isn't for several months.

Well, she hates you too.

And I'm retired, so I'm only making this trip once.

Well, do you want to hang out with us while we open these?

I'll bet you're dying to hear our letter.

Oh, Freddie, that's sweet.

But I ran into some traffic on the way here, and I got a little nosy, so I'm all caught up.

Bye-bye.

- It's good to see you.
- Bye.

"Hey, Carly Shay. It's me, Carly Shay.

I'm writing this while I wait for the tether ball court to free up".

Ah, tether ball. The common man's polo.

Happy birthday.

Or at least by now I hope you have happy birthdays and that you found the courage to finally face your fears and break the birthday curse, because it's been debilitating, which was this week's vocab word.

Have fun skydiving from your hover car, my happier future self. Love, Carly".

Poor -year-old me; she thought she had it bad, and she hadn't even met the goat yet.

- Goat?
- We don't talk about the goat.

Freddie, what's your letter say?

"Hey, stud. I know you've been partying

like a baller, but you're almost now.

So stop debilitating already.
It's time to buckle down, start a business, and maybe have a kid.

I know it'll be hard to let go of our sick, nasty party past, but it's time to start our next chapter".

Freddie, you're so ahead of schedule; good for you, man.

Yeah, I guess. I mean, my marriages and the businesses I started were all colossal failures, and I have nothing to show for it.

Um, hi.

Other than you, the most precious part of my universe,

I have wasted my s. I forgot to have fun.

How do you think I feel?

I wanted to have fun; I just couldn't.

Dear Spence, you crushed it.

And that's why every dress needs pockets. Okay?

I'm not trying to have my purse strap pull down the side of my dress and expose my bra strap, psh.

- You talk a lot.
- Oh, thank you.

And you're welcome.

- Hello, I'll have...
- Hold up.

I got to turn these croissants
degrees every hour so they get stale at the same pace.

People are so impatient.
Oh, my God. You're...

Alexavier, noted fashion photographer, bocce enthusiast, and all-around standup guy.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, you're adorable.

I love being recognized.

Except when they have a subpoena, and then I'm like,

"Alexavier, what a dumb name".
What's your name?

It's... [CLEARS THROAT]

my name... [CLEARS THROAT]

- Merffin.
- Huh.

Your name tag says Harper, but you know what?

Who uses their government name anymore?

I'll have a black coffee and an evenly stale croissant.

Or should I have the banana bread?

What do you recommend?

Oh, uh... ah.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Could I get a black coffee, a croissant, and a muscle relaxer for Merffin?

Oh, you overpacking too?

I brought three evening gowns and zero bras.

I want to be ready for anything. Anything.

I may want a fall-side margarita.

- Where is it?
- Wait, stop.

- What?
- Her secret stash of things my mom won't allow in our apartment?

I'm telling you, there isn't one.

It's in the drawer across from the sink.

- Yeah.
- You just made the list.

No!

Ooh, that's a nice touch.
You're off the list.

Yes!

Sugary cereal, nunchucks, a video game where you play someone playing a violent video game.

[GASPS]

Ohh. This is perfect.

No, there is nothing sadder than an adult man on a skateboard.

It's not a skateboard; it's a way of life.

Later, haters.

Hi, Freddie. Bye, Freddie.

[CLATTERING]

Help me, haters.

What? He called us haters.

Big announcement.

I'm contemplating dipping my teensiest toe into the waters of a birthday celebration.

This letter got me thinking.

I need to face my fears and do the hardest thing for a woman in her mid-to late- s.

Enjoy her birthdays.

Uh, Harper, I eed-nay to alk-tay

- to ou-yay in the udio-stay.
- Okay-kay.

He probably wants to talk about the trip.

At least I've still got my backup stash in your place.

I'm sorry, what?

So you're going to have a birthday party, huh?

That sounds fun.

No. No party. I just want something small.

- Something like...
- A total change of plans.

Snoqualmie is out; surprise party is in, and we have to make it huge.

This is a huge mistake.
She said she wanted to dip a little toe, not do a belly flop.

I'm telling you, Carly wants...

A quiet drive through the park.

Really? With your driving history?

You're right; I'm not thinking small enough.

Maybe I could just put ice cream on my pie.

I just generally want to avoid...

People. Balloons. A champagne tower.

A surprise party to end all surprise parties.

You heard the letter; Carly needs this.

But Harper doesn't.

I really wanted to go to Snoqualmie Falls so I could throw myself off of it.

Okay, let it out. Dr. Spence is here.

My idol came into work today, and instead of being my normal, fun, fabulous, super charismatic, sexy self, I froze up.

It's like when I had dinner with the Dalai Lama.

He was a lousy tipper.

You don't understand.

If I could have impressed Alexavier, he might let me style one of his sh**t.

And that could change my entire career trajectory.

Alexavier the photographer?

- You know who Alexavier is?
- I'm going to ignore your tone while I do you an enormous favor.

Xay-xay and I go way back. I'll just invite him to the party, and you can have a do-over.

This party is the best idea you've ever had.

Carly's going to eat it up like...

Rocky road? Chocolate chip mint?

Oh, who am I kidding?

I should stick with vanilla on my birthday pie.

Boy, that goat really did a number on you.

♪ Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me ♪

♪ Happy uneventful, safe birthday ♪

♪ No need risking a gas leak ♪

Probably shouldn't put it in the exploding, nuclear box either.

Do I risk brain freeze? I do not.

Hmm, a Kn*fe would make things easier... or deadlier.

[PHONE DINGS]

On it.

Plant emoji, watering can emoji.

[TOGETHER] Surprise!

What have you done?

- How could you?
- Uh, great question.

Took a lot of work to pull this together in hours, but Spencer came through once again.

When I mentioned upping my birthday game,

I meant maybe sticking a candle in my pie.

Not lit, obviously.

But you can have so much more than just pie.

Look at everyone who came.

- Principal Franklin?
- What can I say?

I got a Google alert for champagne tower.

All of you came to celebrate me?

[TOGETHER] Yes.

Aw.

Okay, party's over, everybody out.

No, no!

You are celebrating this birthday.

Duke, you're on the door; no one leaves unless they are giving birth or covered in vomit.

- Their own or someone else's?
- Use your best judgment.

Listen, it's going to be a curse-free night; I promise.

Just have fun; let me be the hyper-vigilant one.

Ooh, Jenga.

I don't feel safe.

- Birthday hug.
- Ahh!

Harper, why would you let this happen?

What would make you think I want this party?

Spencer insisted.

And I'm getting absolutely nothing out of it, except for maybe Alexavier might be here.

- Hope he's got good insurance.
- Just so I don't get tongue-tied, I have subtly placed a few note cards throughout the apartment with fun icebreakers and quirky fashion facts.

Do any of them have instructions for the Heimlich or CPR?

Saving lives is always on trend.

Wait, that gives me an idea.
Come with me.

All right, hold on to this, and then I'll...

Okay, now get my legs.

Okay, wait. If we're going to go full crazy, at least let me make it cute.

Leave it to Harper Scissorhands.

All right, now give me a little catwalk.

- I like it.
- [AIR BUBBLES POPPING]

Also, popping myself is very soothing.

Who made this look?
Not only is it gorgeous, it is a searing commentary on the role of fashion in a cruel and dangerous world.

- [AIR BUBBLE POPS]
- Plus, it's interactive, ha-hah.

It's a joy for the senses.
Don't you agree?

Can't... read.

Too far away.

Always fun to see you again, Merffin.

"Mark Jacobs has a SpongeBob SquarePants tattoo".

Damn it, that's a quirky fact.

Hey, be careful.

That handrail's not just a suggestion.

I wish someone else responsible was at this party.

Where's Freddie when you need him?

Who's ready to get drunk?

Freddie. It's me, Duke.

Hey, what's up, D-bag?

This is SnotRag, MC-GymShorts, and Lloyd.

Now, if you'd be so chill as to direct us to your fattest keg?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, God, Freddie.

You're an iguana guy now?

Living the dream.

Don't you think you might've taken the time machine back a little too far?

You're supposed to be reliving your s, not puberty.

Pfft. Girls are lame.

Not you, SnotRag.

[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Carly.
- What?

One little bump and these pretzel poppers become salty shrapnel.

You know, I thought you might still be having a tough time with your curse, which is why I have a plan B.

[SLURPING]

That is disgusting.

Huh?

- Respect.
- Hah.

Mystic Zagnat, reader of fortunes and healer of misfortunes,

I present to you Seattle's lostest soul.

Please sit, my bubble-wrapped child.

Just give it a chance, Carly.
Just let the magic happen.

Uh, just to clarify, I don't do magic.

I do real stuff.

Now, pick a card.

What's the worst that could happen?

The death card.

The death card is the worst, and it has happened.

"Alexavier, hello.

Flip card. I am a big fan.

Smile.

Flip card.

Alexavier, hello".

Mmm.

Oh, this champer goes down so good.

[RETCHES]

Oh, it comes up so bad.

I'm making mistakes!

Oh, hey, man, you got something on your shirt.

Help me.

Sorry, no one leaves unless you're having a baby or covered in... yeah.

You can go.

Oh, not you.

My water just broke. Ow.

Oh, congratulations.
The miracle of life.

- Carly, it's going to be okay.
- Yeah, an okay time to die.

Actually, the death card is deceptive.

It doesn't mean you die; it signals a rebirth.

Has something been holding you back that you wish to break free from?

Yes.

Are you saying it's possible to break the curse?

That's exactly what he...

Zagnat, I was talking to Zagnat.

Yes, but I'll need an object that represents the curse.

I could rustle up a Tamagotchi.

I have something else in mind.

It has pockets.

Place it on the tray.
Now, repeat after me.

Mysterium Casu Interficere.

- Mysterium Casu Inter...
- Mysterium Casu...

Vanilla latte.

- [GRUNTS]
- Oh, my God.

Too real!

The gods of Fortuna have broken your curse.

That's it? I just had to burn a stupid letter?

I mean, if you want to totally diminish my role in all this, okay.

I can't believe it.

This entire party has been a series of death traps, the handrail, the toothpicks, a spontaneous fire, and nothing has gone wrong.

I think I might actually be cured.

In fact, I'm free.

I'm going to use the microwave.

Albert, that was amazing.

I see spirits and smell toast.

You can drop the act; she's gone.

Oh, best bucks of my life.

We both know there's no curse.

That's not great.

What do you mean aneurysms are the number one cause of death for party performers?

Wow. Yes, in the corner.

Also, we're low on ice if you want to grab some on the way...

hello? Hello?

[LAUGHS]

That is hilarious, Zagnat; you k*ll me.

Oh, hey, Carly.

Hey. I just wanted to say you're the best big brother ever.

Zagnat, you really are amazing.

He's in a trance.

Time to open presents.

Time to wrap you up.

Oh, Beezus, let this work.

Thank you.

I just had to scrub myself all the way down to my soul.

I'll get you a new loofah. Merffin, you are a lifesaver.

Alexavier, allow me to explain.

[PHONE RATTLES]

Oh, crap, dropped my phone.

Oh, it's under the fridge.

One second. Augh!

Oh, there's my driver's license.

Okay, I'm back. You are my idol.

That is why every time you come near me

I am speechless.

Was that you speaking on the phone?

Take my hands. Take my hands.

Now, speak. You can do it, Merffin.

- Ooh.
- You can do it.

Put one syllable in front of the next.

Come on now, you can do it.

- Oooh...
- Tell me something amazing.

- I made bubble dress.
- Ahh!

Pop goes my mind.

Here we go, Lloyd, nice and fast.

[TOGETHER] Whoa!

Brava, Carly. Everybody loves a good party trick.

Thank you. Great suit. It's amazing.

No, it's a Merffin.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Thank God you guys are here.

Now, listen, it's my sister's birthday, and she cannot know someone d*ed.

So just give me a second.

Hey, everybody, can I get your attention?

It's time for grown up piñata.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

What makes it grown up?

Oh, it's filled with gift cards and lottery tickets.

But I still get to hit it, right?

Oh, yeah. Let's get you blindfolded.

All right, and swing away.

Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter.

[TOGETHER] Whoa! Whoa!

Okay, he's over there under that inconspicuous pile

of bubble wrap.

Take your time; she's never broken a piñata in her life.

I broke the piñata!

Move, move, move, move, move.

Spence, this is so fun.
You came up with everything.

Almost. Um, hey, you guys, who wants to watch Freddie crowd-surf?

- I do.
- Freddie. Freddie.

BOTH: Freddie.
Freddie. Freddie. Freddie.

I got you, bro.

Woo!

Oh. Oh, sorry. Oh, I don't got you.

- I'm okay.
- Yeah!

Ha-ha! Hey!

Neck feels weird, though.

Thanks for the best birthday ever.

Oh. Hey, it's a piece of cake.

The curse is broken.

Next year, I'm going to go to that unlicensed amusement park.

Hey, since Albert d*ed, can I have his little hat?

Hello, future Millicent, or should I say,

"Congresswoman?" Happy th birthday.

I don't need to tell you my goals as the next years are already planned out in our b*llet journal.

So I'd just like to thank you for turning into an amazing woman despite all the odds being against you.

[MUMBLING]

Have fun skydiving from your hover car.

Love, Millicent.

- [FOOTSTEPS TAPPING]
- Ooh.