02x11 - The Beard

[bunniefuu]

OK, Mom, about your new car.

Now, we know you gotta be practical...

...so we think the family car for you is...

...the turbo-charged Ferrari Testarossa.

How many seats?

Two, which is one more than the Harley
we were thinking about.

And where shall I put my family?

See, Cory and I are gonna hang on
to the back bumper there.

And we're gonna sit Morgan
up in the back window.

She's just gonna kinda...
(pants)

Guys, this is your mother's car,
it is your mother's decision,

and she will make her choice
in her own good time.

Hopefully while there's still fossil fuel
on the planet.

Somebody look. Is she smiling?

No, she's got the same
glazed look on her face

she's had the last two months.

It's the van.

- (both) No!
- Shh. Quiet, guys.

Go ahead, sweetheart.

No, the van would be great
for when we go camping,

and I can really see being able to fit in
all the kids for soccer.

And it'd help with work. I could put
the paintings in for the gallery.

So you'd be happy with the van?

I could see it.
I could see how this would work.

Well, do you see
any particular color?

No, color's not in focus yet.

Why don't you take it
for a test drive around the house?

Well, gentlemen,
were you taking notes?

On what?

On one of the subtle differences
between men and women.

See, we're men.
We like to rush, rush, rush, rush, rush.

You know, we like to just do it.

But women, they don't
like to just do it.

You gotta buy 'em a car first.

Just kidding. (laughs)

Really, I never said that.

So what's Hamlet supposed to do?

His uncle offed his father,

his mother's sleeping with his uncle,

his girlfriend is completely schizoid,

and people are dropping left and right.

Sounds like Thanksgiving
at my house.

So Hamlet is faced
with a terrible dilemma,

and he freezes like a bunny
in the high beams.

- For me?
- (whispers) Shawn.

Oh, yeah, right. See, when you
looked at me, I naturally...

Just pass it.

October, .

Young President Kennedy is faced with
a seemingly impossible dilemma.

Mr. Hunter,
what were his options?

Marilyn Monroe or his wife?

You never disappoint, Mr. Hunter.

Thank you.

Cory.

Ah, a note for me.
See, Shawn, you're not the only one...

Pass it to Shawn.

Do I have an unlisted desk or something?

Stacy, Linda.
Linda, Stacy.

I've never been so depressed
in my whole life.

I know. Two beautiful girls
both want you, poor guy.

There's gotta be a hot line
you can call.

Of course, with your luck, a girl would
answer and she'd want you.

If I reject Linda, she'll get upset,

and there is no way I would
ever want to see a pout

on those beautiful full lips.

Actually, it looks pretty good.

Where do you see that?

But-But what if I reject Stacy

and she flips out,
gets a sex-change operation

and comes back as a really angry
man seeking her revenge?

Hey, I've seen it happen.

- Shawn, just choose.
- I can't.

- Yes, you can. You did at lunch.
- When?

When you picked meat loaf instead of
chicken. How did you do that?

Well, I couldn't decide.

Then I saw you
were getting the chicken.

So I figured if I changed my mind,
I could have some of yours.

(gasps)

She's back?

How do you know
if you're having an idea?

You are a sick
and twisted individual.

To you. To me, I'm a visionary.

- It can't work.
- It's bulletproof.

I start dating one of the girls while
you go out with the other one.

That way she's off the market
until I'm ready to date her.

What, you want me to keep her fresh
until you're ready for her?

What am I... Tupperware?

What else do you have to do?

What do I have to do?
I'll have you know

- my calendar is chock-full.
- Of what?

Well, look, right here. I mean,
I got Lincoln's birthday,

and after that I got
"Lincoln's birthday, traditional,"

and then there's, uh,
"vernal equinox"

and, uh, "Cinco de Mayo"
and... "reorder calendar pages."

See, I'm so busy
I can't even talk to you now.

- So you're gonna do this for me.
- Oh, obviously!

You're a lifesaver.
I owe you.

Yeah, yeah.
So, Shawn, just choose.

Which one am I baby-sitting,
meat loaf or chicken?

OK, whichever one comes up to me
first, I'll go out with her,

because that means she likes me
better than the other one.

- Hi, Shawn.
- Linda.

- Linda, congratulations.
- For what?

For looking very Lindacious today.

Isn't that enough?

Not for me. Call me.

What was that all about?
I thought she was the one.

I don't know. I panicked.
I can't decide.

Fine. You know what?
You take Stacy, I'll take Linda.

- No. I want Linda.
- Fine. Then I'll take Stacy.

- No.
- Shawn, you're being greedy.

- No, I'm not.
- Fine.

- I'll go out with Debbie.
- I want Debbie.

There is no Debbie.

Somewhere there's a Debbie.

(bell rings)

Hey, Joey, it's Friday afternoon.
Ain't you forgettin' something?

Oh, yeah, I forgot
to clean out my locker.

Yes, gentlemen, Friday already.

Enjoy your weekend,
don't get too much sun,

and I'll see you on Monday.

Look at 'em run.

Call me soft, but I like
making people happy.

So I say to myself,
"Hey, you got a free night?

How about giving
some lucky girl a chance?"

Well, I've certainly always dreamed
of you asking me.

What's your name again?

Roy, with an "R."

So, yes or no?
We going out tonight?

Hey, Roy, come here quick.
You gotta see this.

Some guy is making
a major fool of himself

asking out this girl
who's totally not interested.

Oh, wait, it's you.

Yeah, really funny, Matthews.
Your loss.

In time, I think she'll get over it.

Thanks. I never know what to say
when creepy guys are coming on to me.

- Me neither.
- Could I ask you a question, Cory?

Creepy guys
don't really come on to me.

That's not what I meant.

No, I meant about Shawn.
Is he avoiding me?

Shawn avoiding you?
What makes you say that?

Yo, Cor,
I just wanted... yaah.

Ha...

He's just shy,

especially around
beautiful girls like you.

He thinks I'm beautiful?

How could he not?
I mean, look at you.

I also think he would say
what a nice smile you have

and how smart and sweet you are.

He's intimidated.
Shawn.

Shawn intimidated?

Well, it's kind of hard
to talk to girls you like.

So, how come you're
not intimidated?

Because, well, if you notice,

I'm not looking directly
at your smart sweet smile.

Would you?

Hey, you girls wanna dance?

OK. So dance.

What'd I say?

I can't believe
you go to John Adams High

and you've never been
to Chubbie's before.

I just always heard it was such a dive.

Well, it used to be a dive,
but now it's a rathole.

How's the food?

What do you mean, how's the food?
It's a rathole.

May I see a menu, please?

First time here.

Exchange student.
Latvia.

Nicht menu. Nicht.

Listen, Linda, you can't just come in
here first time and order.

- Why not?
- Because Chubbie doesn't like that,

and if Chubbie doesn't respect you,
he won't feed you.

- OK, then what do I do?
- All right, listen.

He's gonna turn around and raise one
eyebrow. He will not speak.

You'll have
a two-second window to order.

You say, "Turkey, Chubbie."
He'll wipe his nose.

Then you say, "With everything."

Then he's gonna look at you real hard,
like he's making a decision about you.

If he asks what you want
to drink, you're in.

You're set for life.

I'm so glad you're here.

So am I...

because now I can tell you that...

Shh! He's starting to turn.

Turkey, Chubbie.

- With everything.
- To drink?

What do you recommend?

- Soda.
- You got diet?

Yeah.

Half the calories.

I've never seen anybody
come in here

and get that kind of respect from Chubbie.

- You're a natural.
- Hey, I had help from the best.

Think so?
Well, the best is really Shawn.

You should see him order.
I get chills.

Where are you going?

I was gonna sit over here.

What's wrong with next to me?

I don't know.
Why don't I go over there and see?

Whew.

You're right.
It's actually very nice over here.

Why is that?

Well, I think it's being here with you.

You know what's funny?

You start out in the morning
thinking about one person,

and you end up in a booth
next to somebody else.

- Oh, boy!
- What's the matter, Cory?

I... I was just thinking.

Did you know
that Shawn is my friend?

You're such a sweet guy, Cory.

I love that.

I can't believe you just did that.

I'm...

pretty shocked myself.

Boys, remember our little talk
we had yesterday about women?

Yeah, listen, on that subject,
I could use some advice.

Glad to, son, but first
admire the wonder that is me.

Remember yesterday I explained how
women are creatures of process?

Men, on the other hand,
are creatures of action,

and I, being a man,
have taken action.

Amy, sweetheart, darling,
can you come down here, please?

Now, watch how she jumps up and down

and throws her arm
around my neck with gratitude.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, darling.

You know how you hate
those pushy car salesmen

- who call you "little lady"?
- Yes...

Such is my love for you
that I've saved you from that.

If you would just step right over here,
look out the door

at your brand-new
fully-loaded minivan.

- Alan, did you buy that?
- Yes, I did!

- So we own it?
- Yes! Yes.

This is not jumping here.

- This is not what I wanted.
- Yes, it is.

It's green, beige interior,
just like you said. Ask the guys.

Cory? Eric?

Oh, thanks.

I can't believe you did this.

- You said you wanted it.
- No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. You could
see yourself in it, remember?

You were driving and camping and with
the kids and smiling at your husband.

Jump. Jump for the boys.

We were talking about a car,

and you just went out and bought it.

What is it with you men?
Rush, rush, rush!

It has cup holders.

Why don't we talk about this
in the other room?

(sighs)

Oh, you wanted
some advice about women?

Yeah.

So do I.

- Eric, help.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't come to me
with your seventh-grade

milk-and-cookie social problems, OK?

Please. I'm in deep personal agony.

OK, I'm up for a laugh.
Let's hear it.

All right, listen, there are two girls
that both like Shawn.

He can't decide who he likes better,

so he decides to go out with one
while I kind of baby-sit the other.

'Cause you're safe, right?

Yeah. What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you're no risk.

Shawn's saying, by putting
this girl with you,

it's like putting her in a storage bin.
She's protected.

It's like she's going out with bubble wrap.

I'll have you know

that there are women
who think I'm very dangerous.

Like who... Grandma?

Not just Grandma,

although she is very frightened of me.

- Who else?
- Linda, my assignment,

also happens to think I'm not so safe.

Yeah? What'd you do,
run with scissors?

I kissed her.

- Where?
- Chubbie's.

- No.
- Lips.

All right, Cory! You're not safe anymore.
All your problems are solved.

Eric, my problem's just beginning.

- I mean, I like Linda and she likes me.
- Mm-hmm.

But Shawn doesn't know
anything about it.

So you went behind
your best friend's back

and stole the girl he was lying to.

Movie of the week or what?

Look, Cory, everything's OK.

You've got a girlfriend,
Shawn's got a girlfriend.

You're right.

I've got a girlfriend who I can kiss
on the lips whenever I want.

If it's OK with her.

You're right.
Everything's OK.

Unless, of course,
Shawn breaks up with his girlfriend.

That can't happen.
Could that happen?

Cor, I know most seventh-grade
relationships end in marriage,

but you never can tell.

Eric, help me.
This is important.

No. You've gotta decide
what's more important...

your best friend or your girlfriend.

I don't wanna decide that.
Whatever I decide, I lose.

Young and inexperienced,
he finds himself caught

on the horns
of an agonizing dilemma,

and so young President Kennedy,

charged with keeping the peace,

fears that his inexperience
may bring about

the destruction of the entire world.

Oh, give him a break!
This was his first big crisis.

It wasn't his fault he liked the girl.

- Mr. Matthews...
- Yes?

Put your head down.
It's nap time.

You know, just once
I'd like to see a movie

where nobody's head blows up.

You're kidding me.
What type of movie do you want to see?

I don't know.
How about a romantic foreign film?

Oh, please.

They don't even try
to speak English in those movies.

I'm beginning to think
we have nothing in common.

Yeah? Well, I'm beginning
to think we have nothing in common.

Stacy, Shawn...
By the way, you're an idiot.

Are you two gonna let
a movie get in the way

of a love that should
last for all eternity?

Looks like it.

Look, there's no one there.

Yeah. Good thing
I've still got Linda on deck.

You're a lifesaver, bud.

Hey, don't give up on Stacy.

That's a solid relationship there,

a relationship a lot of people
are depending upon.

What do you mean?

I mean, you can't live without her.

Look at you.
You're getting nervous.

You're sweating.

(voice rises) Your voice
is getting higher.

Now go!

Go get her!
Go get her, man.

OK, I'll go.

Look, you have lettuce,
you have tomatoes.

Why can't you just toss me a salad,
you greasy, greasy man?

Hey, where do you think
you are... the Sizzler?

Stacy, funny running into you.
You been here before?

A couple of times. I can never
get this guy to give me any food.

Allow me.

- (whispe-ring) Turkey, Chubbie.
- Turkey, Chubbie.

- With everything.
- With everything.

I am not greasy.

I glow.

Wait.
I don't like turkey.

That's OK.
It's not really turkey.

You know, Stacy, it's so weird
seeing you here without Shawn.

I just think of you guys
as such a couple.

- How long you been going out?
- Four days.

Seems like... five.

Look, I don't really want to hear
the name "Shawn" right now.

That's OK. I understand.

You know, when I watched
you and... Merle argue,

it tore me up.

It did?
That's really sweet.

You wanna talk sweet?
Merle is sweet.

Look, Cory, it's just not working
with me and Merle.

Give him a chance.
Go out with him for a year or two.

See if it works.
I'm begging you.

Cory, what's going on?

Linda. Linda, right?

Turning around would
only confirm that it's Linda.

Hi, Cory.

Linda, it's so nice to see you.
Wanna join us?

- Well, I'd hate to interrupt.
- What, this?

This is nothing.
It means nothing.

I only sat next to Stacy
and took her nothing hand

to tell her she should
keep going out with Shawn.

Yeah, all he talked about was Shawn.

Really? Did he also
show you how to order?

Yeah, he did.

No, see, she was standing in the line...

Shows you how to order,
gets you all cozy in the booth,

talks about Shawn, and then boom.

He makes his move.

Is that what you were doing?

No, I couldn't.
I don't have moves. I don't have boom.

He did this to you, too?

Yeah, it's a whole routine.
You think he's so nice.

- I am nice.
- He looks so innocent.

I'm a newborn lamb.

Baa!

And then he snakes you
away from Shawn.

- Oh, poor Shawn.
- What?

Hey, guys.

- Shawn, you poor baby.
- Are you kidding me?

Hey, that's my poor baby.

What's going on here, Cory?

Nothing good for me.

Your so-called friend here

has been trying to snake your
girlfriends behind your back.

He pretends to build you up,
then makes his move.

No move.
Hardly at all.

None to her.
Maybe a little over there.

Listen, Shawn, buddy...

Girls, could you excuse us?

I'll see you later, OK?

And I'll see you after that.

Yeah, fine. I'll open up
an antique shop.

Cory, I asked you a simple favor.

Yeah, you thought I was safe,
didn't you?

You thought I was bubble wrap.

Well, I am not safe. I am
your most dangerous friend.

- You like Linda.
- Yeah, I do.

Cory, that was not part of the plan.

Well, maybe I don't fit
into your safe little plan.

Maybe that first day you came up
to me in the hallway and said,

"Cory, baby-sit Linda for me
until I break up with Stacy,"

I should have just said no,
but I was stupid.

I'll tell you something, pal.
I'm never gonna be that stupid again.

Both of them, right?

Yeah.

I turn around,
they're both gonna be there.

Yes, they are.

Linda, Stacy, we thought you left.

Boy, we really thought you left.

I forgot my purse.
Wasn't that lucky?

Oh, yes, very lucky.
Here you go.

- Thank you.
- Ahh!

- What about him?
- Ahh!

I don't know which one
of you two is sleazier.

(both) He is!

- It was your idea.
- Well, you went behind my back.

- That's 'cause I really liked her.
- Well, I really like them both.

You two are-are...

(all) Scum!

Thank you.

You treat us like objects, not people.

You're right.
I'm real, real sorry.

I just hope we can put
this whole thing behind us

and start fresh, OK?

Cory, I'll thumb-wrestle you for Linda.

Shawn, they're clapping
because they hate us.

Oh. Well, same to you!

You know, I miss Linda already.

I miss Stacy and Linda.

- And Debbie?
- And Debbie.

There is no Debbie.

Well, then how come
I miss her so much?

Because you're nuts.

So, here we are, just the two of us.

Couple of dangerous guys.

Me too?

You? You are very dangerous.

You're so dangerous, I am never
gonna trust you with a girl again.

So what you're saying is,
I lose my first girlfriend

but my best friend
finally begins to respect me?

Yeah.

I'll take it.

I know this is a little strange,

but we'd like to return the van.

Why?

It's kind of complicated.
There was a little miscommunication.

Did somebody here
assume that somebody else

was in a life position
that they weren't in yet?

- Yes, someone did.
- You said you wanted the van.

You just went out and bought it.

- You told me to buy it.
- Didn't.

- Did.
- Didn't.

Excuse me!
This is not about assigning blame.

This is about who you are
as individuals and as a driving couple.

What kind of car dealer are you?

I don't want to hear that word,
but what I want to hear

is the sound of you two
listening to each other.

Now, tell me about Amy.

Not the Amy that the world sees,
but the inner Amy.

Well, I've never felt that I was just
a wife and mother.

How long is this going to take?

An hour today, and then I suggest

that we get together again next week
and then the week after that

until we start to see some progress.

Well, uh, Tuesdays,
three or five, I'm free.

Tuesday's good for me.
Alan?

I just want to buy a car.

I give you money,
you give me metal, we drive it home.

It's done.

Tuesday's fine for me.