07x09 - The Honeymoon is Over

[bunniefuu]

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Hey, I'm home from
the honeymoon,

and I want
some salami.

Hi, there,
married girl.

Hello.

Wait a minute.
Where's the salami?

Topanga, I'm home
from the honeymoon.

Where's the honeymoon
welcome salami?

We are moving in here.

He said,
"moving in."

I am equally troubled.

What does he mean
by, "moving in"?

Cory?

I mean, a man moves
into his new house,

he expects to find
a nice deli spread.

Cory, we'll go grocery shopping together.
It'll be fun.

You know what I like to
do at the grocery store?

Ring the butcher bell
and then run away.

(CHUCKLES)

Girls, I'll tell you,

there is nothing funnier
than an angry butcher.

Where's the magazine?
I gotta do my business.

Cory!

Isn't he cute?

He thinks he's living here?

Of course he is. Where else
would he be living, silly?

Oh, Topanga,

you said after you got
married, you'd be moving out.

We will be...

Eventually.

Oh, boy.

Why did she say,
"oh, boy"?

Oh, boy.

Why did she say,
"oh, boy"?

Hey, Angela, I tried
your body wash.

I smell like peaches.

(SNIFFS)

You do.
You really do.

Hey, guys, listen,

Topanga, I packed up all
the stuff from your room,

and I put it
right there.

Why would you do that?

'Cause it was in the way
when I moved into the room.

Why would you
move into the room?

Because I live here now,
and you don't.

Right?
Oh, I get it.

They think we don't
live here anymore.

That's why
there's no salami!

You moved into my room!

All right, Topanga,
calm down. Calm down, okay.

We're gonna find you
a place to live.

You don't live
here either.

Honeymoon's over.

We probably should have gotten
a place before we left.

It's not like we
had a lot of time

I mean, between getting
married, getting arrested,

and then going on
our honeymoon.

You know what? This
will be better anyway.

At least we have your
old dorm room to ourselves.

You're right.

No! All wrong!

What's your problem?
This is my room.

Nope.
No. All wrong, screwy.

Here, show him
how it's gonna be.

Right here. University bylaws
forbid any married couple

from living in a dorm other than the
one designated for married couples.

Maybe we don't have
to tell anybody.

Oh, maybe he's right.

Yeah, maybe we don't
have to tell anybody.

Too late.
We did.

We sent a copy of your
marriage certificate...

...to the office of the
university president.

Now they can't live here anymore.
Show him again.

Right there. Show him again. Put
it up there. See that? See?

How could you
do this to us?

Hi, Jack.
Hi, Professor Matthews.

Hi, new neighbors.

Would you lovely ladies like to take
that tour of the coed bathroom now?

Yeah, I could
use a shower.

Couldn't we all.

Look, dirt!

See, there's
three of them.

It's one, two and three.

You know, frankly,
I love to count them.

So if you'll excuse me.

And you know what? You guys
just can't live here anymore.

So go on, get out!

How could you do such a horrible
thing to your own brother?

Believe me, Topanga,
it was the right move.

Well, we are running out of options
here, my husband and provider.

Oh, now I'm the provider.

Topanga, what happened
to equality?

What happened
to partnership?

Get me a place to live!

Yes, mommy.

Hmm.

Mommy.

No. I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to my mommy.

It would only be until
they got on their feet.

No.

What do you mean, "no"?
Dad, I'm your son.

You don't tell
your son "no."

No!

Alan.

That's it!
We're moving in!

You're lucky I
even asked you!

Cory, don't make me b*at you
up in front of your wife.

Why didn't you give any thought
to where you were gonna live?

I was a little busy thinking about
the wedding and the honeymoon.

Besides, it's not like
I've done this before, Mom.

Well, you're gonna
have to do it now.

I never asked to be the
man in this relationship!

Maybe we should go.

Go where?

Where do you go if you
don't have your parents?

At least let them stay
for a couple of days.

Amy, don't...

Don't you put your
finger out at me,

and don't you
tell me "don't"!

Mom's revved up.
Go get the luggage.

These are my children, too.

And if I want them to stay
here, they can stay here.

Amy, they can't stay here.
They're married now.

It's Cory and Topanga,
not Cory and us.

Remember?

Mom?

Mom, it's me.

It's Cory.

You used to
wipe my tushy.

Oh, you loved that.
Remember?

Ma?

You can't stay here, Cory.

I'm sorry.

I'm tellin' grandma!

I'm sorry.

I know.

My father's a jerk!
I have a jerk for a father!

I'm sure he has a very
good reason for not...

For abandoning us?

We don't need them.
We don't?

No. We need us.

We need to stand on our own feet
and figure out our situation.

Okay, I've already
figured it out.

We're upper middle class
homeless college students.

There's a very small
pity factor here.

I wouldn't feel sorry
for us if it wasn't us!

We should figure out
how much money we have.

Well, if you take what
we got from our wedding

and subtract what we
spent on our honeymoon,

we've got about
seven blenders.

It would be nice to have
a kitchen to put them in.

Stop pressuring me!

Cory, we have to
live somewhere!

"Ooh, I want a roof
over my head!"

"I want a roof
over my head!"

Baby!

Hey, guys!

Well, hello,
Shawn and Angela.

Well rested?

Well, we have very
good news for you.

Mike and Debbie
Faferman had a fight.

He criticized her salad,
so she sh*t him.

Why is this good news?

Because she's
gonna do time,

and the dorm's
gonna be available.

And those married dorms
have gotta be great.

You know how married people
live, sophisticated, very posh.

Ah, you hear that,
Topanga? Posh.

WOMAN: I got a midterm In physiology
tomorrow! Make your own dinner!

MAN: I'll make you a deal, I'll
cook dinner, you stop talking!

(BABY CRYING)

Please, stop crying.
Please, stop crying!

(HAIR DRYER BLOWING LOUDLY)

MAN: Shut the door if
you're gonna do that!

(DOOR SLAMS)

That's it, break it!

It sounds like we have
very colorful neighbors.

Oh, look,

a cute little boy.

Hey, there,
little fella.

I see dead people.

That's nice.

Let's get outta here!

No, this is us. .

This is gonna be our home
for the next three years.

It's nice.

Okay, so it needs
a little work.

You know what I think
we should do here?

I think we should think about
the worst moment in our lives,

and it'll only make us
feel better about this one.

It's this, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.

But things are never
as bad as they seem, Cory.

You're right, Topanga. Everything's
terrific. It's just fabulous.

CORY: I hate my parents,
and we live in a cr*ck house!

But why don't we find
the good, Topanga?

Let's find the good 'cause
I don't know where it is.

Is it underneath
that pizza box?

I don't know.
It could be.

No, that's where
the vermin is hiding.

Cory, you're such a baby. No.

(STOMPS)

Nope, it's
still alive.

(STOMPS) No, it's still alive,

and here come his drunken
cousins from Louisiana.

Get 'em!

No, now they're up,
and they're angry.

Get 'em,
Topanga!

Step harder,
on that one.

Ow!

Hi.
Hi. We were, uh...

Doing the dance
of our people.

Hi, I'm Kelly Aragon,

and this is Samantha,
who doesn't sleep, ever.

We're your neighbors.
Welcome to the dorm.

Nice to meet you,
Kelly.

She is so cute.
Can I hold her?

Yeah.

Ohh!

No.

Put it back.

Well, she'd be a lot cuter if she
would just sleep for, like, a minute.

I mean, other babies
sleep, right?

Oh, I don't think I can
stay awake much longer.

Uh, just out of
curiosity, Kelly,

the bed where your baby
doesn't sleep all night,

that's not located behind these
paper-thin walls, is it?

Because the only crying
I want to hear is my own.

Cory!

It's all right.
At least he's here.

My husband's a med student,
and they never come home.

You two are newlyweds,
aren't you?

Yeah, we are.

Good luck.

Thanks.
Thanks.

Okay, let's just look at this
as a true test of character.

Now, we can either
run from this,

or we can be
stronger than this.

Good luck.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY )
I wasn't really gonna run.

I, uh...

This is for you.

And as the black plague worked
its way through Europe,

the streets were littered with
maggot-infested, rotting corpses

of the dying and the dead.

He's talking about us.

Uh, yes, Mrs. Matthews.

Could I have a bath?

Please reserve your personal
matters for after class.

But our water's brown.

Mrs. Matthews...

And you have
to chew it.

You know, I rarely do this, but I'm going
to dismiss the class on account of,

well, pathetic.

You know, you got a big house,
Feeny, and no children.

Mrs. Matthews...

(IN GRAVELLY VOICE) What do
you do in that house, Feeny?

Do you eat?

What's the matter with you two,
and why are you so unkempt?

Oh, ho ho ho!
We're "unkempt"!

You hear that, Topanga?

Well, you'd be unkempt,
too, if you lived

in an apartment with only one
washing machine and no dryer!

And you know how
the baby cries?

Like this, waaah!

Waaah! Waaah!

All night!

Mr. Matthews...
Waah!

All right, I get it!
It's unpleasant!

Quit stalling, Feeny. We
staying with you or not?

Not.

Oh, Cory, Topanga...

From the bottom
of my heart,

I'd do anything
for you two

if it's anything short of actually
moving in. Anything at all.

How about some of
your millions, fella?

Mrs. Matthews...

Hold him!
I'll get his wallet.

No!

That would be wrong.
This man is an educator.

Oh, you're right. What could
he have, like, nine bucks?

And a Blockbuster card.

My dear ruffians...

Let me tell you
something about life.

No, please!
No more words!

You have been telling me about
life since the first grade, Feeny.

How come you never
prepared us for this?

Although you can't see it now,
your reward is yet to come.

What are you,
a fortune cookie?

Who has cookies?

He's a fortune cookie,
Topanga.

I resent that!

My words are heartfelt
and highly original.

To be reduced to
a whimsical jocularity

that's stuffed into a cr*cker is an affront
to the very essence of my character.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Well put, honey.
Well put.

Give us something we
can use, why don't ya?

Persevere, and prosperity
shall be yours.

All right,
I'm a fortune cookie.

Remember last time?
Spanked you like a baby.

Guys?
Hi!

You know, I haven't
seen you in days.

Yeah. So, how's life
been treating you?

How's life been
treating us?

She wants to know how life
has been treating us, buddy.

Life, which has up until
now treated us terribly,

has decided
to pay us back.

In triplicate.

Come here, Rachel. I want
you to meet somebody.

These are
the Dahm triplets.

And they're the best Dahm
triplets I've ever seen!

They're our neighbors,
all three of 'em.

We helped them
move in.

Yes, all three of 'em.

Here, look, see.
It's one, two, three.

I love to count them.
It's just...

Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi.
Hi!

Aren't they
the greatest girls?

Again, cause there's three.
There's one, two, three,

and there's one of you
and three of them.

'Cause when it's just one
but three and one,

'cause you lose.

Well, there's three of them, and there's
two of you, so what's up with that?

They promised they'd
find us a third guy.

So we can all go out together.

We always do
everything together.

Everything!
Everything!

You've been so nice in helping
us find our dorm room.

We owe you.

They owe us.

A party.
They owe us a party.

So, did you find
another guy?

Ooh...
Hmm, hmm.

Third guy.
Party.

I choose you!

Do you want to go out with one
of these beautiful women?

Can my brothers go with me?

Oh, no!

Hi.
Hi.

No!
No!

Hi.
Hi.

No!
No!

Well, now, where
are they going?

They're going
to the party!

We're not invited
anymore?

Neh!

Rachel.

We appear to have a gaping
hole in our social calendar.

Yeah, if you're not doing
anything later, maybe we could...

I wasn't, but now I think
I'm just gonna go home and

laugh and laugh
and laugh.

Three times!

Three, get it?

No.

(SIGHS)

So, you wanna go volunteer
to be experimented on?

Sure.

So, how are
the married dorms?

Pretty sweet setup,
I'm guessing.

We have bugs.

Everybody's got bugs.

Our bugs have cars.

Your worst problem
should be bugs.

True, you're right.

But it's not.

What, there's more?

Just please change the subject,
and don't change it to plumbing,

don't change it
to crying babies,

and don't mention the fact that there was
a guy sh*t in our apartment over a salad,

the remains of which
are still on the wall.

The guy or the salad?

I don't really want to know.

I ate it anyway.

Okay, let's talk
about the married thing.

What about it?

What's the biggest
difference?

What, between being
boyfriend and girlfriend?

Yeah.

Well, you know,
we're together.

We're together in everything.
We're there for each other.

And even though everything
we're going through right now

may not be ideal,
we're gettin' through it.

I think we're
handling it well.

Topanga, are you crying?

(VOICE BREAKING)
Why would you say that?

Because tears are coming
out of your eyes,

and your face
is all scrunched up.

This is crying?

Yeah.

Then I've been crying
for three days.

Guys, what's the matter?

It's nothing.
I'll be okay.

I'm sorry.
I'll be fine.

You wanna talk about it?

Talk about what?

Talk about how I've
been married for one week,

and I already
can't protect my wife?

Talk about how I believed love
would get us through anything?

Talk about what an
unprepared idiot I am?

You're not an idiot.
It's just new.

Topanga's crying, Shawn.

Cory, how can I help?

And new is very scary.

I wanna help.

Thanks, but...

I don't think
you can on this one.

Of course I can.
I'm your friend.

Yeah, but I'm her husband.

I have to take
care of this.

I have to.

Cory,

I told you I can't
help you with this.

Dad, I'm not asking you
to help me, okay?

This isn't about me.
This is about Topanga.

The minute I married her, she
became more important than me.

She became more important
than anything.

I'm glad you realize that.

I know that mom is more important
to you than anything, right?

Right, she is.

And you are as well,
and so is Topanga.

Okay, good.

I'm glad you feel that way
because the last talk we had,

I didn't get
that from you,

and I can't tell you how much I
appreciate your coming around.

Cory, I'm not coming around.

I can't help you the way you want
me to, and I'm not going to!

Hey! We're drowning here!

You are not drowning.

Well, what do you call living
in an awful dorm with no money,

and the washing machine's
broken in the laundry room,

and there's some kind of soup
coming out of the faucet!

Marriage, I call it.
Marriage.

Okay, well, it's hard!
It's just hard, dad.

And you want me to
make it not so hard.

You're supposed
to do that!

I can't!

Well, then what
good are you?

Hey!

You made a choice!

You decided that you were
old enough to get married.

You decided to take on the
responsibility of a new life

because you believed
you could handle it!

And this family
supported that decision

after we told you that it was
going to be very difficult.

What, did you think
we were kidding?

Did you go into this marriage thinking
you were just going to play house,

and we were gonna
bail you out of trouble?

Cory...

This is your life.

Deal with your life.

All you had to
say was "no."

(SIGHS)

Cory, where were you?
I was worried sick.

Uh, Topanga...

I think it's just
gonna be you and me.

I made us a tuna-fish sandwich.

I love you.

I know.

I know you do.

Oh, look,
a cute little boy.

Hey, there, little fella.

I see dead people.

(LAUGHING)

I see dead people.

(LAUGHS)

...dead people.

That's nice.

(LAUGHS)
I said it!

(LAUGHING)