07x10 - Pickett Fences

[bunniefuu]

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

So, honey,
how was your day?

Oh, just great, dear.

Mmm. Are the kids tucked in?

All tucked in.

Mommy and Daddy can have
some together time.

Ooh!

Well, when was the last time
we had a moment alone?

Certainly before
the kids came.

Yeah. Life was
better then.

Honey, I hate the kids.

We're still hungry.

Spaghetti!

Don't you guys have any
baked goods or frozen treats?

Uh, guys, you are
our closest friends,

but we are sick
and tired of you.

Please get out and
don't ever come back.

(LAUGHING) They cr*ck
me up, these two.

Cory, maybe we should
go back to our... Hole?

Our... Our...
Dump? Sewer?

Look, we'd love to hang out
with you guys forever,

but right now, you're
on this new marriage thing

and we're on this new
living-together thing.

Yeah. So it's like you're
a couple and we're a couple,

and we're exactly
the same except that...

You're married
and we're happy.

So get out.

We're serious.

We understand.

We really do.

We'd never want to impose
on your little life of sin.

You make me sick!

Sluts.

We're just gonna go and hang
out with our other friends.

Yeah! You think you're our
only friends in the world?

Well, you're not!

Because we are
a beloved couple!

You got other friends?
No. You?

No. Why'd we do that?
I don't know.

Well, what are we gonna do now?
I don't know.

(WHISPERING)

Angela, I have never
seen you so happy.

Oh, that's because
I haven't been.

That's why I'm not gonna get
in the way of you and Shawn.

So I'm gonna move out.

Why? You're
not in the way.

No, I know I'm not,
but I got this offer

to be a resident advisor
at Brittany Hall,

and I thought
it might be fun.

Oh, Rachel, you don't
have to move out.

It's not like me and Shawn are a family.
(DOG BARKS)

(LAUGHING) Look, honey.
I got us a baby!

Oh, big dog! Big dog!
He's so cute!

Yeah. Now it's like
we got our own family.

I'm gonna be an RA.

Good for you.

(DOG BARKS) And the dog's
decided to go to the park.

Pretty girl.
Pretty girl!

Pretty girl!

Uh, who's in charge here?

You are.
Now do things to me.

Hi. Uh, Jack Hunter,
manager of the Student Union.

Everything you see
here, I manage it,

because I'm Jack Hunter...

Bed-wetter.

You can tell her, Jack.
She's gonna find out anyway.

And who might you be,
pretty lady?

I'm your new boss.

Name? Name, name. Name?

Name.

Name is Bridget Murphy.

Murphy?

Like the bed?
Vomit!

If I may be so bold,

how did somebody as

(STAMMERING INCOHERENTLY)

as you get to be the manager
of our Student Union?

Oh, I know a guy.

Mmm.
What guy?

Well, some would
like to call him

the chancellor
of this university.

I, however, like
to call him daddy.

I like to call
him daddy, too.

Her father is
Chancellor Murphy.

(LAUGHS) That's right, boys.
Nepotism rears its ugly head.

Nepotism!
It's nepotism!

You have no idea what that means.
Why should I?

Well, then let me
explain it to you.

I own you.

I can do anything
I want with you,

and I probably
will because

I'm a spoiled little brat
who always gets her way.

So far, I don't hear
anything I don't like.

Good. Go clean
the toilets.

Thank you.
(GIGGLING)

You know, I understand

that it must be somewhat
embarrassing for you,

having once held
this position.

No, I'm okay.

What, uh, would be
embarrassing, though,

is if I let some
obviously spoiled

and surgically-augmented
little daddy's girl

ruffle my feathers.

Are you gonna
kiss me now?

I'm gonna kiss you never.

Do you think I don't understand
good looks and a rich daddy?

Yeah, you and I are cut from the
same velvet cloth, Miss Bridget.

So I know how to protect
myself from you.

And I know how to protect
my friends, too.

Toilets are clean, boss.
Oh, hey, look.

I'm a Teletubby.

He's not my friend.

Not the purple one, though.

Hoo! Hoo!
(LAUGHING)

Behold! Our future, okay?

Two bedrooms, two
bathrooms, a kitchen,

and some kind of nook!

Why would you take us here?

Why would you take us to this house
which we could never afford?

If we could afford it,
do you like it?

We can't afford it.

Don't do that, okay? Because you're
becoming like a negative little missy.

Cory, it is just
cruel to take a person

who is this close to
losing it, this close!

And taunt her with this cute,
little, adorable house

which she'll never,
ever live in!

So, you like the house?

I love this house! Why
would you do this to me?

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Hello!

You must be my happy,
happy newlyweds!

Are you the real
estate agent?

(LAUGHING) Why,
yes, I am. Whee!

Edith Stevens,
at your service.

Oh, how much do you love

this breathtaking starter
cottage with nook?

I'm reporting you to the Better
Business Bureau immediately.

Oh! Why, whatever for, my dear?
This man is a dope.

You knew that after three
minutes of talking with him,

and then you led him to believe
we could afford this house

when the truth is he can
barely afford a sandwich.

(CHUCKLING)

My dear Mrs. Matthews,

it is my joy

to place young couples in cozy
surroundings such as these,

and, like most other couples,
you think, "I can't afford it."

(CHUCKLES)

But you can!

How?

How can we afford
an $ , house?

Very simple.
Over years.

I've already explained
it to your husband.

I told you not
to talk to him.

She can talk to me.
Yeah, I can talk to him.

(LAUGHING)

Remember, just a
trifle down payment

and a pittance
of a mortgage

and two living parents
with a pen who can sign.

You guys are gonna
be so proud of us

because I went into the
world, I did my homework,

and I made it happen.

I made it happen.

What'd you do?

No, it's good.
Really, it's good.

I didn't think it was
good at first, but it is.

Show them, honey.

All we need are
your two signatures,

and we will have our very own dream home.
With nook!

Okay, as soon
as you sign this,

we are completely
on our own.

What is this?

Well, it's a loan application
for an $ , house, Amy.

I don't like when you
call him "idiot," Alan.

I didn't call
him anything.

Oh, I guess I must have
thought it in my head.

(STAMMERING)
What's going on here?

What's going on here
is you want us

to sign your
$ , mortgage

so that when you don't pay it...
We're gonna pay it.

...they can come
and take our house.

Is that what you
want me to sign, Cory?

Do you realize how
ridiculous you are?

Why? Why is that
ridiculous?

Because you can't buy a house
before you have a job!

You get a job, you save
for a down payment,

then you buy the house!

No. No, Dad.
Because you know

it's gonna take us forever
to raise that kind of money.

Dad? I'm calling you Dad.

I heard that.

The house that we're in
right now is very bad.

We would have invited you
there except it's very bad.

I'm sorry, Topanga. I'm
sorry that it's very bad.

Look, we know this
isn't easy for you.

Look, we're dying
in that place!

All right? Why do you
keep shutting us down?

Cory, my son,
whom I love,

figure it out.

You think I'm gonna figure
out what kind of father

wants his kids
to have a bad time?

I'm never gonna figure that out.
Never!

I don't even know
why we came here.

I don't understand
this either.

I hate this, Alan.

I know.

It's nice.

Liar!

Well, when you
said, "stink hole,"

I really didn't think it was
a stink hole, but it is.

It is a stink hole,
isn't it? Oh...

I think this place
has possibilities.

What possibilities?
Grease fire? Wrecking ball?

Or the place just
falls apart on its own

because it
knows it should?

Cory, come on. This is
exactly the type of place

we always said we wanted
to live in, right?

I'm married now.

Oh, hey! If you two want to live
here, you can go right ahead.

Come on.
You could...

You could put a nice little
bookshelf in right here.

Yeah, or get that
romantic photograph

of the French couple
kissing by the lamppost.

No, guys, guys, we're not gonna
fix this place up, okay?

It's not like we're
gonna live here.

Where are you gonna live?

Oh, we found this great little
starter house with a nook.

I don't get it.

What's to get?

We hate this house, and I'm gonna
get us into that other house

with or without
my cheapskate dad.

Cory, you got a great place
to start right here.

Why don't you slow
down for a second

and take a look
around you?

You know, this is
your place, man.

Fix it up.

Have an imagination.

You have an imagination.

Okay, look what we
got here, Shawn.

Imagine this is
the water you drink.

Look at this.

Okay? Look at that.

Go ahead.
Drink the mud.

Cory, imagine you have some pride in
the place and fix the rusty pipes!

You want to live in a nice place,
you're gonna have to work at it,

and then, someday,

maybe you'll be lying next
to each other on the floor

with the sun streaming
in the window,

drinking coffee and
reading the newspaper.

Well, you know, that's
easy for you to say,

Mr. I Live With
My Girlfriend

In A Great Apartment
That I Lucked Into.

And you know what? You
guys aren't even married!

How fair is that?

I don't know.

Thanks for having us.

We had a very nice time.

Liar!

ERIC: I can't keep
my eyes off her tushie.

You must. Don't let
that tushie control you.

Bad tushie.
Evil.

I want it.
She knows you want it.

She knows you'd be her
pathetic little love sl*ve.

(WHISPERING)
Did she say that?

She's a sadist, Eric.

And she's looking
for a masochist.

Did she say that?

No!

Here's what she'll say,

she'll say,
"Clean the toilets,

"ground the espresso,
count the cups."

And then here's
what you'll say,

you'll say, "I will get to
it when I am good and ready,

"so shut your cake
hole, Irene."

Her name is Bridget,
and I wrote her this poem.

"Bridget, you
make me fidget."

Hello, pretty boys.

So, have you, um,
cleaned the toilets,

ground the espresso,
counted the cups?

I will get to it when
I am good and ready,

so shut your
cake hole, Irene.

How about you,
bonehead?

Cake hole.

Cake hole.

Well?

Jack thinks
you're a bad girl

and I'll fall prey
to your tushie.

But I think you're
a sweet little farm girl

who likes to hold
hands on the porch.

Take my shoe off
and suck my third toe.

By the way, Jack,
you're fired.

ERIC: And I'm in a brand-new,
healthy relationship.

"You have to have
an imagination, Cory."

That's easy for
Shawn to say.

He's in that cushy apartment,
living the good life,

eating bonbons!

Maybe a bookshelf would
look cute over there.

No. You know where a bookshelf
would look good, Topanga?

In the nook!

Cory?
What?

We are not gonna have
a nook right now.

We're not?

No.

So, we live here now.

Yeah.

(EXHALES) What if
I built us a nook?

There isn't any room.

Well, what if
I fixed the sink?

Do you know how
to fix a sink?

No. You never thought you'd ever
have to fix a sink, did you?

No.

What if I helped?
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

You know how
to fix a sink?

No.

So neither one of us
knows how to fix a sink.

Together.

Okay.

All right. Now, before I go
under there, I gotta tell you,

whatever you do,
it's very important

that you remember
that you do not

turn on the water!

Oh, sorry! Did
something bad happen?

You tell me!

Cory, I am so sorry.

Okay, you gotta hug me.

No!

Hug me!

No! Get away from me, Swamp Thing!
(LAUGHING)

Swamp Thing wants the booty!
(EXCLAIMS)

It's after me! I must
warn the village!

No, no, I'm taking you back
to the swamp to do things!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Aw, wouldn't you know it?

Swamp Thing very frustrated.

(CORY SIGHS)

(CRYING)
She won't go to sleep.

She hasn't slept in three
weeks, and neither have I.

Can I just lean
against your wall?

Cory, Kelly and
the baby are here.

Yeah, you guys got a /
crescent wrench?

Oh, you figured out
how to fix it?

No, I just want to hit
myself over the head.

(LAUGHS) I'm sorry.
Was I interrupting something?

Well, we were playing a nice
little game of Swamp Thing.

Oh, Swamp Thing.
Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHS) I remember playing
Swamp Thing with my husband.

You know what you get
at the end of the game?

What's that?
(BABY CRYING)

Hello!

I don't want
to play anymore.

Well, why don't Cory and I watch the
baby and you can go see a movie?

Oh, no, I could
never do that.

Why? You deserve
some time to yourself,

and Cory and I have everything
under control. Right, honey?

Uh, there's something
staring at me in here.

Go see a movie.

Really?

It's licking me!

I'm a really good
babysitter, I promise.

Could I sleep for
an hour instead?

Sleep as long as
you need, darling.

Okay. She just ate, so you
might need to burp her,

and if she gets fussy, she likes
Itsy Bitsy Spider the best.

Okay, go to sleep.
Okay.

(CRYING)
(SHUSHING)

Yeah.

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

You're a good neighbor.

I'm glad you're here.

Thanks.

Okay.

Hey.

(SINGING ITSY BITSY SPIDER)

How's that
waterspout, sport?

Well, I don't know how the water
spout is, but the itsy bitsy spider

just laid about five
million eggs up my nose.

You fix it yet,
Mr. Plumber?

Oh, how could
I have fixed it?

How could anybody do
anything good around here?

Oh, my gosh. Look.

Topanga, look at this!
It's clear!

We have clear water!

And you fixed it!

I fixed it!

I fixed...
We did it!

We did this!
I feel incredible!

What a great
day for me.

Isn't that incredible?

Cory, look.
She went to sleep.

She went to sleep for me.

She's comfortable here.

Well, here we are.
(SIGHS)

Mmm-hmm.

Lying on the floor, reading the
newspaper together and drinking coffee.

It's perfect.

It's what I've
always wanted.

You happy?

I'm as happy
as I'm gonna get.

What does that mean?

We don't deserve this,
Angela, not yet.

This came easy for us.
We didn't work at it.

It's easy to be
happy about all of this,

but what if we
were on our own

and other people weren't
helping us pay the rent?

You're jealous of
Cory and Topanga.

You're jealous of
their stink hole.

I haven't had a lot of good things in
my life that really belonged to me,

so when they come along,

I want to do my best to protect
them and hold on to them.

I'm not gonna let anything bad
happen to this relationship.

You're such a sap.

Why can't you
just be happy?

Because this is not real.

I mean, it's not like
Cory and Topanga.

You and I, we're
just playing house.

You want what Cory
and Topanga have?

Do you want
to get married?

(CHUCKLES)
Are you proposing?

I'm just asking.

Not yet.
Not yet.

(BOTH LAUGH)

But someday,

if and when we do,

I promise,

we'll have a stink hole
just like Cory and Topanga.

You promise?
Yeah.

(SIGHING) Ooh, I'm
looking forward to it.

Me, too.

Who's gonna
break it to him?

Drink this, you no-signing,
no-money-giving-us,

no-letting-us- stay-in-your-house
little wisp of a man.

Drink it!

Is it poison?

It was before
Cory fixed it.

You fixed pipes?

He fixed pipes, dear.

While I was playing
with the baby.

They had a baby, dear.

You know, I was gonna
call you to come over

and help me fix the
pipes, but I didn't.

You wanna know why? 'Cause I
didn't think you'd help me.

Would you have helped me?

No.
Well, I knew it.

Well, we fixed
the pipes ourselves.

And how do you
feel about that?

Proud. Very proud
of us, okay?

Topanga and I are
gonna paint our place,

we're gonna put up a bookshelf, and
someday, when we can afford it,

we are gonna buy that
house with a nook.

Without your help.

Now what do you
have to say to that?

I'd say you finally
figured it out.

Welcome to being an adult.

(ALAN LAUGHS)

When your mother and I got
married, we had nothing.

Nobody would help us.
We did fine.

We didn't know it then,

but it was the sweetest
time in our lives.

We bonded together forever.

We fell completely in love
because we knew

we made a life
for ourselves

with nobody's
help but our own.

Yeah.

I would never take that
away from you, Son.

(CHUCKLING)

I'm sorry, Dad.
(GRUNTS APPROVINGLY)

Thanks, Dad. I'm
calling you Dad.

I heard that.

(CHUCKLING)

So, basically what you're telling me is
that your butt is out on the street?

Well, Shawn, Jack, and Eric are
gonna take over the apartment

because there's three bedrooms and
that's what makes sense, and...

But your butt's
out on the street.

Right.

But if you talk
to my last roommate,

I bet she'll give you
some good references.

You know what?
I know her,

and she is a really
beautiful woman.

Well, that she is.

And she would love to
have you as her roommate.

Really?

Yeah.

Ooh!

But who gets the dog?

Oh, Bridget.

Your breath's so warm.

(PANTING)

So, should we
wake him up?

No.

Actually, they make
kind of a cute couple.

Bridget, I got two
words for you.

Tic Tac.