06x08 - You're Married You're Dead

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Boy Meets World". Aired: September 1993 to May 2000.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


A coming-of-age comedy follows Cory as he juggles school, friends and romance.
Post Reply

06x08 - You're Married You're Dead

Post by bunniefuu »

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

What's it gonna be, Hunter?

Gambling Dan wants to know
what it's gonna be, Hunter.

Ten bucks.
Ten bucks.

Ten bucks.

Let me study your face.

He's studying your face.

What do you see,
Gambling Dan?

He got nothing.

You got nothing, you loser. Let's
see your cards. Turn 'em over.

Three kings.

Oh, no, Gambling Dan.

This has never
happened before.

Wow, nice hand, Hunter.
Maybe I did misread you.

Thanks, Dan.
You're welcome.

You still lose. Flush.

I like the way you play. Maybe
we should hang out more.

Yeah, I like you too, Shawnie.
I was rooting for ya.

Thanks, Louie.

So, uh, maybe you'll
join us later at Clevage.

Yeah, I'll see
if I'm free.

What's this?

My best friend and roommate hosting a
poker game in our room without me?

Oh, hey, it's the Major.

I thought you were with
your virgin support group.

Yeah, well,
the other guy dropped out.

Nice. So, uh, see you at :
all right, Shawnie?

And don't bring nobody.

: ? What's at : , Shawnie?

Uh, nothing. Bunch of us
are gonna go to a club.

Really? And I suppose bunch of us
didn't think to invite me either.

Well, I figured you were
busy with Topanga.

Well, pal, it just so
happens I'm free tonight.

Topanga's busy.

See? Everything you do
is based on Topanga.

Hey, I'm engaged.

I know. Sometimes I wonder if that
ring's not through your nose.

No, it's right here, pal.

But perhaps one of my friends is severely
jealous of what I have with her.

No, I'm not
jealous, Cory.

I'll be honest
with you, okay?

Whenever I'm doing
something with the guys,

and I say, "Hey, how about
Cory comes along?"

Gambling Dan says, "No, not Cory.
He's married. He's dead."

Oh, what do I care
what Gambling Dan thinks?

Why does he call me
the Major?

It stands
for "major wuss."

He says if there was a Whipped
magazine, you'd be the centerfold.

Okay, first of all,
there is a Whipped magazine.

I didn't subscribe,
somehow they found me.

You tell him that.

Yeah, I'll tell him that
tonight at Clevage.

Club Clevage?

Where the women parade
around in little outfits

that barely cover their
most private of situations?

And Angela's letting you go?

I'm not with Angela
anymore, remember?

You are with Angela.
No, I'm not, Yentl.

Well, you should be.

Cory, even if I was, if I
want to go someplace, I go.

Well, I want to go, too.

Uh-huh. Cory Matthews
at Clevage?

You blush at the beach.

Shawn, listen, I don't want to be
excluded from all these things

just because I'm engaged.

It's not that. Look, I
mean, let's face reality.

I broke up with Angela.
You're still with Topanga.

We're in completely
different situations now.

(STAMMERS) I don't care,
okay?

You tell Gambling Dan
the Major is going.

And what, may I ask, are you
gonna tell your fiancee?

I will tell her what I want to
tell her when I choose to tell her

or I will tell her or I won't.
It's all up to me.

So you're gonna tell her?

It's out of my hands.

Where you going?
Nothing.

You have no right
to judge us.

Yeah, why are you asking
so many questions?

We're not hounding you
about what you're doing.

I'm doing a midterm paper on the
influence of women on male bonding.

(SCOFFS)
There isn't any.

(LAUGHS) Yeah. Males
were bonding on this planet

long before women
ever arrived.

Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.

This paper's worth
half my grade.

I've been praying
to come up

with a specific case that I could
observe, but so far I haven't.

Look, we're just
going out, okay?

We're men doing what men do.
And you know something?

Quite frankly, I'm sick and
tired of all the scrutiny,

the badgering, the nit-picking.
It's gotta stop.

Don't ask us when we're
coming home either,

'cause, quite frankly,
it's none of your business.

Yeah. 'Cause we're in
college now, huh? Uh-huh.

You know that? We're in college.
Oh, yeah!

You're not the boss of us.

Mmm, huh?

Nag, nag, nag,
nag, nag.

Thank you.

What nerve!

Trying to make us
feel guilty for going out.

I'm telling you, it's that
female intuition garbage, man.

You see, they sense when a man's
about to do something fun

and they try
to spoil it.

Yeah, well, it ain't
gonna work on us.

No way, J.
(LAUGHS)

Maybe we shouldn't go.

Get in.

(LAUGHS) There's something
you don't see every day.

Yeah, look, an outie.

You know, if the doctor
had just tied a neater knot...

Cory, Cory.

Before we get to the guys, could
you age up about years?

Hey, look. It's
Mr. Topanga Lawrence.

What's up, Major?

You're not nice.

Oh, what's the matter, Major,
too much action for you?

You didn't get enough love
as a child, did you?

b*at him up, Dan.

Naw, I'm sure his wife
does that for him, already.

I'm not married, okay? You see this?
It's an engagement ring.

I'm engaged.
So nuts to you.

You're not
helping yourself.

What kind of guy wears
an engagement ring?

I mean, come on, what is that?
(LAUGHS)

Cory's just really not like everybody
else, you know. He's unique.

Marches to the b*at
of a different drummer.

What does that mean?

I hate it when people
say crap I don't get.

He's a good guy.

Listen, I don't need you
to defend me, Shawn.

Well, look, he's here.
That's a start.

Hey, guys.

Hey, you're new here.
I haven't seen you before.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I'd like a
hamburger and French fries.

Cory, Cory,
what are you looking at?

The ceiling.
Why?

(STAMMERS) Because I'm
uncomfortable is why.

Hi, how ya doing?

Ooh, I think she
likes you, Major.

No. (LAUGHS)
She doesn't like me.

She doesn't even know me.

I do like you. He's cute, Danny.
Where you been hiding him?

Oh, he doesn't get out much.
He's married.

(NERVOUS LAUGH) No, I'm not married.
Don't listen to him.

I'm just here for a hamburger and
possibly the beverage of my choice.

Well, if you're not married,
why are you wearing a ring?

Ah, it's
an engagement ring.

Oh, this is
a bachelor party?

No. Oh, boy. No. Girls!
We got a bachelor party!

The cute one
with the curly hair.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, gosh. Okay. Okay, girls.
Okay, okay, okay, girls!

This isn't necessary.

Okay, you're all wonderful and
special in your own individual ways,

but you're smothering me
with your...

Oh, Clevage.

Now I get it.

Cory, enjoy it.
It's just fun.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I mean, this is nice.
It's not so bad,

and besides,
what bad could happen?

Right, Topanga?

(YELLS)

Engaged. Wrong.
Must poke eyes out.

No, no, Cory, no.
Eye poking bad.

Cory, if Dan
sees you bail,

there's no way you or I
will ever be able to repair

the damage done
to your reputation.

Shawn, maybe he's right. Maybe I
am just Mr. Topanga Lawrence.

Cory, will you just
take the ring off?

Why? Because it's
strangling you.

Good boy.

No, no. You know what, Shawn?
I don't know about this.

I mean, I want to be one of the
guys, but I gotta take my ring off.

I don't feel like
I belong here.

I don't feel like
you belong here.

I don't even feel like
Eric belongs here.

Hey, nurse, how
'bout some chow?

Okay, maybe Eric.

You know, I don't know why we
thought we had to sneak out.

I mean, look, this is just a harmless,
college-town gathering place.

Uh, yeah, to us.

But Rachel would see this place as a
sleazy, low-life den of iniquity.

Hi, could I have
a tuna on white?

You want to cut
the crusts off that for me

and serve it in triangles
the way my mommy does?

Thanks, Tiffany.

She'd think this place
would be frequented

by the degenerate scum
of the earth, you know?

Hello.

(LAUGHS) Cory,
what are you doing here?

Why? Does it strike you
as odd that one such as I

would be found
in a place like this?

Does Topanga know
you're here?

Oh, what does it matter?
I'm with the guys tonight.

Hey, does Rachel know
you guys are here?

(LAUGHING) Rachel? Whoa, whoa. We
don't care what Rachel thinks, okay?

She's just our roommate.

Why would you even ask
a question like that?

Well, she looks surprised
to see you.

Hey, guys.
Having a good time?

Not...
...anymore.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Think tonight was good
for both of us, Cor.

You know, it really put you
over the hump with the guys.

Yeah, Shawnie, this may come
as a b*mb shell,

but that guy
Dan is a jerk.

Well, Cory,
jerk is normal.

This is what single guys
do in college.

So this is what you
broke up with Angela for?

To hang out with guys
like that?

This is what you want?

No, I want you
to let me live.

I'm my own man now, okay?
I do whatever I want to do,

I go wherever I want to go,

and I don't have
to answer to anybody.

Where you guys been?

Movies. Babe II:
Pig in the City.

Cory, you and I were supposed
to see that together.

Well, he'll definitely go again
'cause it was a great movie (LAUGHS)

And he loved it and what's
funnier than those mouses,

and we all know
how I feel about...

We went to Clevage.
...little pink pigs.

You should,
'cause you are one.

Oh, come on, don't be like that.
It's just a restaurant.

And besides,
you can't be mad at me.

Hello, drama queen,

we're not going out
together anymore, remember?

We're just friends.

You're right.
You go where you want.

Hey, come on. Hey.

Cory, can we go inside
and talk about this?

No, I'd prefer
to talk out here

because the light
is so lovely.

And you look so lovely,
so I think...

I think we're gonna stay
right out here.

Or here is fine.

Cory, why? Before
you say anything,

I just want to state
that as a man

I am entitled to certain
rights and privileges.

I understand.
So as a man,

I went with other men,
and did man things

because I do not want to be
thought of by those men as...

How do I put
this delicately?

Whipped? You could at
least let me say it.

Cory, I'm not mad at you.

But you're
disappointed in me.

I understand your need
to be one of the guys.

The only thing that's
important to me

is that we are always
honest with each other, okay?

You're not just being
understanding now,

but actually harboring bitterness and
resentment that'll fester over the years

until one day you hack me
apart in my sleep, right?

No, Cory,
that would be wrong.

Yeah, I mean, you don't go
around hacking people, right?

No, you don't.

So let me ask you this. You think of me as
my own man, so I can do anything I want?

I trust you, Cory.
Do whatever you want.

Well, what if I don't want to?
Then you don't have to.

Good. Because the food is no good
and the service is just crazy.

If you think that's best.

I do. Now come here, huh?
Give me some sugar.

What else is new?

Gambling Dan wants to see you.

He's right there,
you pigeon.

He just called me
a pigeon.


You are a pigeon.

Then it's true.

Dude, you were
the man tonight.

When those waitresses
att*cked you...

Okay, I was jealous.

You know, I admit I must've
had you pegged all wrong.

Especially, you know, since you
stopped wearing that stupid ring.

I mean, come on, what kind of a
guy wears an engagement ring?

Yeah.
My ring!

I gotta stop looking
to the past.

I need to look
to the future.

(SCREAMS)

You know, the future
is also no good.

So just because you were all
understanding and mature about this,

you really think Cory's not
gonna go back to that place?

I know he won't, Angela. It was a
one-time guy thing and it's over.

Well, I bet Shawn's back there right
now with all the other pervs.

Well, I guess as long as some women
choose to wiggle around half naked,

there'll be men
who go to see them.

(SCOFFS) Women don't choose
to work in a place like that.

They're forced into it
by circumstances.

I work there.

Joan, you do?

Yeah, because I need... Stop.

You need go no further, my sister.
I know the profile.

Broken home, years of abuse,
then a child out of wedlock,

forcing you into financial chaos
and a life of degradation and sin.

I'm a cook.

It's okay. Angela's a little
bit sensitive these days.

Is this place
really that bad?

It's harmless.

I mean, the girls wear more than
you'd see them wear at the beach.

I'm on my way to work now.
You want to check it out?

Yeah. I'm kind of curious to see
what Cory finds so fascinating.

You know,
I just don't understand it.

We have been here all night and it's like
you two aren't having any fun at all.

Well, frankly, we're
appalled by what's going on.

Ma'am, I'm not a chair.

Oh, come on, don't let me
stop you from having fun.

I'm just observing
for my paper, that's all.

For Yeager's class?

Oh, yeah,
that's where I know you from.

What's your topic?

Women and their influence
on male bonding.

There isn't any. Now, Ma'am, would you
mind covering up. I'm trying to eat.

Eric, stop it.

Look, all my paper's gonna say is that the
two guys that I'm getting to know very well

are inhibited in the presence
of their female roommate

from behaving normally in
a male-oriented environment.

That's right. Thanks to you we
understand women a lot better

and hold ourselves to a
higher standard of morality.

Really?
Yeah, really.

I mean, ever since you moved in,
we learned this new maturity.

And every time you're around,
well, we're reminded of it.

Oh, I'm flattered.
Thanks, guys.

Oh, good. You should be. Now get
out, it's time for the tushy dance.

Enjoy.

Excuse me, which way
is the lost and found?

Over there
next to day care.

Okay.

Hi.

Hey, it's the groom.

You had such a good time you
decided to come back for more?

No, no, actually I decided
to come back for my ring,

which somehow came off during the
festive evening that we spent together.

Uh-huh, well, maybe it's in
here with all the other rings

which just happened
to come off.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

Clevage presents
its world-famous tushy dance.

(ALL CHEERING)

My ring. I found it! (LAUGHS)

I found it. I'm saved!
I found my ring!

Everything worked out!
My tush touched hers.

(WHOOPING)

See, there's nothing
shocking here.

Cory, what are you doing?

What are you talking about?

You're tushy-dancing.

I am not. I'm looking at you.

No, this isn't me.

I really wish you would
stop doing this.

Why aren't you
wearing your ring?

Oh, I was. See, I had to come back
here to pick it... Because I left it

and I had to get it back.
Topanga!

Topanga. Topanga, listen.

There's a perfectly logical
reason for what happened.

Really? I'd love
to hear it.

Good, good, good.

You know, this is
so funny.

You're gonna laugh, Topanga.
You really are.

See, um...

I didn't go back to that place
tonight to do the tushy dance.

I only went back because I
left my ring on the table

and I had to go back
and get it.

Why would you
take off your ring?

Because they were
calling me "the Major."

Listen, there are some places
where a guy goes

where he feels uncomfortable
wearing a ring.

And most guys don't even wear a
ring before they get married.

And even some married
guys don't wear rings.

Cory, I never asked you
to wear an engagement ring.

You saw mine and said,
"Pretty, I want one."

Yeah, that's because I didn't expect
all the men to hate me for it.

But you should see them, Topanga.
They really do hate me.

I mean I stick out
every place they go together.

Poker games, steam baths,
cockfights.

Cory, don't you realize
that the people

you so desperately want
to be accepted by

would probably rather
have what you have?

What do I have?

Me.

Oh.

I mean, someone who cares
about them.

That's all that
the ring is about, Cory,

that I have somebody
that cares about me.

But I care about you whether you
want to wear the ring or you don't.

If I want to play poker,
I'm playing.

Go. Play.

And if I want to play me
a little touch football

on the field with the boys,
I'm playing.

You go and run real hard.

And if I want to take
my ring off... No.

You either wear the ring
or you don't.

Why?

Because I have feelings,
too, Cory.

Hey, Matthews.
Poker game. My room.

Dig this, you're actually
invited this time.

This is great, man.
There's two poker games

on the same day I get my
allowance check from Mom.

Yeah, ironic, isn't it?

Hey, Shawnie.
Hey, Cor.

You still hanging out
with those guys?

Yeah, it's either that or sleep.
You coming tonight?

Yeah, save me a seat.

But if I don't show up,
it's probably 'cause

I'm having a better time
with somebody else.

Good for you guys.

You know, Shawn, you're always
invited to hang out with us.

I know, Cor.

(SIGHS)
Post Reply