05x07 - I Love You, Donna Karan (1)

[bunniefuu]

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Shawn and Angela
are so cute together.

Maybe next weekend, the
four of us could go out...

(CHUCKLES)
"The four of us."

What?

Shawn's two-week rule.

So I guess that's it. It's over.

Two weeks. You knew
that going in.

I did.

Wait. Where
are you going?

(SCOFFS)
Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were done
letting me down easy.

Go ahead.

Never mind.

Are you okay?

You're just
taking this so well.

It was a great two weeks.
We had fun.

Yeah. We did.

So?

So...

See ya?

That Angela's all right.
I'm gonna miss her.

Well, then why did you
break up with her?

As they say south of the
border, dos semanas.

Shawn, you guys were
really getting along!

You know, your
two-week rule is dumb.

No, no, no. His
one-week rule was dumb.

His two-week rule
shows growth.

Shawn, just face it. You're
afraid to make a commitment.

I'm not afraid
to make a...

I've been with
Cory for years.

Ah, they've been
good years.

You worked
very hard at it.

Hey, it takes two.

Stop!

You're afraid to
get to know someone.

You're afraid of letting
someone get to know you.

And unless
you get over this,

you're going to go
through life all alone.

Except for Cory, who will bring
you magazines and pudding.

There. I think
I got through to him.

(SIGHS)

Sure, you did, honey, and
now he wants to hear

what she has to say.

What did Topanga mean about
me being afraid to commit?

You know, most relationships
don't work out,

and I just want to get out
before anyone gets hurt, okay?

Shawn, we just want
you to be happy.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, look.
Somebody left their purse.

Hmm.

Hey, Mr. Feeny,
we found this purse.

Who runs
the lost and found?

I do, Mr. Matthews.

I teach English,
history and film,

and I run
the lost and found.

We'll put up a notice.

Would you?

Maybe you should go through
it and see if there's any ID.

No. Not gonna.

I once went through
my mom's purse.

Yeah. I can't
look at her anymore.

Okay. Stand back.
I'm going in.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay. No wallet. No ID.

Well, there's got to
be something in there

that lets us know
who she is, right?

Lip gloss. She cares
about her lips.

(SNIFFS) Hmm.

Kiwi mango.

No way!

(SNIFFS) Kiwi...
That is so sexy!

Do you know that
the Ted Koppel show

called that "the lip gloss
of forbidden love"?

And look at this,
a book of sonnets.

(LAUGHS) Shakespeare,
I hear he's good.

Notice the bookmark.

A ticket stub to
a Van Damme movie.

Only the greatest
actor ever made.

Okay, so what we got here is a
purse-losing, lips-protecting,

poetry-reading,
Van Damme-loving gal.

Wow. I'd give
her two weeks.

Mr. Feeny!

What is it,
Mr. Matthews?

Crisis at college. I have
a really big test, okay?

And test scores are
important in college.

It turns out they base
all the grades on them.

So let's get
cracking, okay?

Eric, it's time you
did this on your own.

Now, you're fine.
You have all the skills.

Hey...

You're tutoring another
student in there, aren't you?

I'm sure I don't know what
you're talking about.

It's Kevin McDougal,
isn't it?

The kid from
the other side.

Eric, you have the
ability to do fine.

Now, just study
the materials.

I have
confidence in you.

I just wish you had
confidence in yourself.

Good luck,
my boy.

He's a professional tutor!

You mean
nothing to him!

All right.
Here's an easy one.

The Louisiana Purchase?

I don't know!
Stop hounding me!

Come on, man!
Two guys? s?

Lewis and...

Lewis.

The Lewis twins.

(EXHALES)

Oh, man, who am I kidding?
I don't belong in college.

Look, just hit the
books a little harder.

I'll be back, and we'll
try it again, okay?

All right.

Come on, Eric,
you can do this.

Just relax and focus.

Columbus.

Cortes.

Marco...

Come on. Marco...

I can't believe this!
Marco...

FEENY: Polo.

Marco...

Polo.

(EXCLAIMS)

Mr. Feeny, what are
you doing here?

I'm here to help you.

Who are you
talking to?

Oh, Jack, right.

You remember
my mentor, Mr. Feeny.

Yes, I do. Who are
you talking to?

Uh, Mr. Feeny.

The British guy on our
couch right there.

I'm from Boston,
you boob.

Uh, excuse me.
A little respect.

You're a guest
in my house.

Excuse me.
I pay rent here.

I'm talking
to Mr. Feeny.

Oh. Your mentor.

Yeah.

On the couch.

Mr... The guy!
Right there!

On our couch! Eating
our beer nuts!

Mmm, nutty.

Okay, I'm leaving.

Man, did I pick a
rudie for a roommate.

He acts like you
don't even exist.

He can't see me.

Only you can see me.

And only you can see me because I
exist only in your imagination.

Okay. So why
are you here?

To take you
to the library.

You need to study, and
I'm here to help you.

That makes sense. Can you
just hang on one second?

Jack?
Yeah.

Hey, buddy,
quick question.

Uh, Feeny or no Feeny?

No Feeny.

Thank you. You ready?
I'm driving. Come on.

Hey.

Anyone call about
that purse yet?

"Love is not love

"Which alters when
it alteration finds

"Or bends with
the remover to remove"

No one called, huh? Bummer.

Anyway, listen.

Topanga and I were talking
about your problem.

I don't have
a problem.

We feel that if you
met the right girl...

Wait, wait, wait.

Is this you or
Topanga talking?

She decided we're
one person. Anyway,

Topanga's got this friend.

Debra.
No. No, no, no.

I don't want
to be fixed up.

Hey, you know what else
I found in this purse?

A guitar pick,
a Greenpeace sticker

and a box of Sno-Caps,

only the greatest
movie snack ever made.

Wait a minute.
Shawn. Listen.

Don't you want
that feeling?

What feeling?

You know, that feeling you get
when you meet someone special.

It's the feeling I get every
day when I'm with Topanga.

You know, it's warm
and happy and fuzzy.

I can't describe it,
but there are bunnies.

Lots of bunnies.

You know, we just want you
to have that feeling. Okay?

So meet Debbie.

Fine. I'll meet Debbie.

Good.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I wonder if Debbie's
anything like this girl.

What girl?
The purse girl.

Did you know that she
likes classical music?

Shawn, you hate
classical music.

Well, I just never
gave it a chance.

This is the part
where the violin rocks!

(LIVELY VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING)

Shawn, Shawn, please don't. Don't.
Don't do this, okay?

Because your
date, Debbie,

is under the impression
that you don't do this.

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Okay.

Hello, ladies.
Hello, hello. Hi.

And Debbie, how are you? Hi.

I'm Cory, and this is my
best friend, Shawn Hunter.

You're very thin!

Is that bad?

Oh, no!
It's good.

Low impact, high impact,
kickboxing, cross training.

What are you doing?

Because whatever
it is, it's working.

I eat a lot
of burgers.

Good! Good!
Eat fat to burn fat.

Debbie is an
aerobics instructor!

Really!
No!

Excellent, excellent!
Excellent! This is good!

Why would you think that
this girl is for me?

Word around the gym, Shawn
Hunter is quite a kisser.

This could work. They seem
right for each other.

I don't know. Shawn
doesn't sweat that much.

I hope she's
okay with that.

Why don't we
talk first?

Um, what kind of music do you like?
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Not this. You can't
work out to this.

I like it.

Debbie, if you
close your eyes,

you can actually
see spring.

Animals awakening
from their winter rest,

flowers blossoming into full bloom.
Try it.

(EXHALES)

I just see fat
people bouncing.

I think there's a
relationship happening here.

Let us go to our new couple
friends and make plans

for weekends
at the cottage.

"Love is not love

"Which alters when
it alteration finds

"Or bends with
the remover to remove"

Why are you
doing this to me?

Hi! How's the
happy couple doing?

(SIGHS)
I need chocolate.

That's grams of fat.
And you have a purse.

Yes, I do.

Come on, now. That's
not really his purse.

He found that purse.

Oh, well, he found
an ugly one.

Hey. I happen to
like this purse.

Topanga, I don't
think this is working.

Debbie,
give it a chance.

No, no, look. Um...

I can't do this, okay?
Shawn.

Don't fix me up.
CORY: Shawn.

No. You know what?

I am perfectly happy
with the way things are.

(SCATTING)

Hey.
Hey.

Listen, sorry
about last night.

On paper, Debbie
sounded pretty good.

Oh! Forget about it.
Here, have a Sno-Cap.

Hey, Shawn.
Hey, Angela.

Something's
different about you.

What is that,
a new shirt?

This old thing?
No. Stop.

Well, it works for you.

Thanks. Thanks.

Bye.

Okay, why are
you so happy?

Well, I...

I think
I met someone.

Someone special.

(GIGGLES)

Shawn, you just giggled.

Yeah. I've been
doing that a lot.

(GIGGLING)

I have the
feeling, Cory.

Do you know the one that you
were trying to explain?

Well, I woke up this morning, and it
was like rays of sunshine were...

No, no, no, no. It was more like fluffy,
marshmallow clouds coated in...

No. I can't explain it either,
but I thought I saw a bunny.

Well, good for you,
Shawn. So who is it?

It's her.

The purse girl.

Shawn, you
don't know her.

Cory,

I do know this girl.

Look, I know
everything about her.

I'm in love.

Well, hey,
I hope you find her.

It's like you and Topanga, you know?
A perfect fit.

Yeah, but I didn't fall
in love with her luggage.

B!

A B in college is, like,
the best you can do!

You did
very well, Eric.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hello.

You know, a lot of people
might not appreciate

what you do,
but I do.

You know,
Mr. Matthews,

I understand that I'm
in your imagination,

but this ascot...

I think we can do better.

I'll do anything
you want.

Another thing,
you've got me in briefs.

I'm a boxer man.

You want me to change your underwear?
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hey, buddy! I'm waving
a B in history!

You're kidding me.
(CHUCKLES)

How did you get a B?

Feeny. Thanks.

Oh, right, your
invisible mentor guy.

Come on, man, if you've got
a secret, let me in on it.

It's no secret.
It's Feeny.

I believed in him,
he helped me.

I got a good grade.

(SIGHS)

Mr. Feeny?

Mr. Feeny,
are you here, sir?

It's, uh... It's me,
Jack, Eric's friend.

(SIGHS) Look, I know
you're not my mentor,

but I just got b*at
by Eric on a test.

That's just
plain wrong.

So if you could,
sir, begin.

I'm ready to learn.

Jack.

He's not there.

He's not?
No.

He's on the balcony.

Oh, Shawnie, I'm glad you're here.
Listen. Um...

Based on the information
we've gathered

from the contents
of the purse,

I've put together a composite
drawing of the woman you love.

Huh?

Okay. Okay,
she's gorgeous,

but she's sad.

Sad because she
lost her purse.

She... She called.

She saw the notice
and called.

(STAMMERING) That's great!
Who is it? Who is it?

I don't know. Jack
took the message.

I'm supposed to meet
her at Chubbie's.

Well, why don't you take this
with you to make sure it's her?

I'm not going.
You go.

I don't understand.

Cory, I can't meet her.

This feeling
is so incredible,

I just want to hold on to
it for as long as possible.

I know, but do you understand
that when you meet her,

that feeling will
only get better?

And what if it doesn't?

And what if it's not as
good as what I have now?

With the purse?

Just drop it, Cory.

Listen, what are
you so afraid of?

I'm afraid of
getting hurt, okay?

I mean, I've seen the
pain on my father's face

every time a woman walks out
because he's not good enough.

Shawn.

You are not your
father, okay?

And this thing
is not real!

Hi, guys.

Oh, hey.
This is real.

All right? I smile at her, she smiles back.
She's there for me.

Through the good
and the bad.

Yeah, well, where I've come from,
I've never seen love work.

But it can. Okay?

This girl here
could be your love,

your destiny.

That was beautiful, Cory.

What is that,
kiwi mango?

It's very sexy.

Whitman. Major work,
Leaves of Grass.

Poe. Major work,
The Raven.

"Quoth the raven..."

"'Nevermore.'"

Mr. Feeny.

Aren't you a little
overdressed for the library?

Oh, not for the one
in Laughlin, Nevada.

Ooh, Laughlin, Nevada.
Population, , .

Major business,
legalized gambling.

Birthplace of the $ .
prime rib special.

Wait, why are we
going to Laughlin?

We're not going.
I'm going.

Wait a second, Mr. Feeny, I
can't do this without you.

Eric,

you did this
all on your own.

You've always
had the skills.

Just keep using them, and
you'll never be without me.

That's what you... The
real Mr. Feeny would say.

Smart man,
that Feeny.

Oh, look.
A rare bird.

Huh?

Marco...

Marco...

Polo, Mr. Matthews.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey! Don't ever talk to me
about love or destiny again.

What happened?

I went there, okay? I put
my heart on the line.

She's got a boyfriend, Cory, and
do you know what I feel now?

Pain.

It's like my heart's been
ripped out and stepped on!

So just
do me a favor

and stay out of my
personal life, okay?

Shawn, I'm sorry.
I mean it!

I will.

I mean it.

You are so lucky that
someone found your purse.

I know, I thought
it was gone forever.

Well, here's all your stuff back.
Great.

Wait a minute.

Angela's stuff
was in your purse?

Yeah.
I lent it to her.

I felt awful
when I lost it.

Your stuff was
in her purse?

The lip gloss,
the Sno-Caps?

Yeah. And my
book of sonnets.

I can't live
without these.

Mr. Feeny?
It's me, Jack.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

You need help studying,
don't you?

Who, me? Nah.

Come on in.
Come on in.

Your prayers
have been answered.

Come on.

You?
Yeah.

Oh, man! I was kind
of hoping for your,

you know, magical, invisible
Mr. Feeny mentor guy.

Okay, listen. First of all,
he doesn't exist, okay?

Second of all, he's
in Laughlin, Nevada.

Third of all, you've got
the skills, my friend.

You just gotta
use them. Okay?

Take a seat.
Come on.

All right. I'm gonna sh**t
a question out at you now.

All right? You ready? You sure?
It's a tough one.

Poe's major work.
Gonna give you a hint.

"'Nevermore.'"

This is calculus.

Mr. Feeny.

Mr. Feeny!