03x20 - I Never Sang For My Legal Guardian

[bunniefuu]

Shawn. Shawn.
Come on. We're gonna be late for class.

Hold on.
I'm trying to check my messages.

Hey, John.
What's your secret code?

Oh, it's one, four, three, four.

Matthews,
how do you know my secret code?

Easy, it's the same number
as your bank card. Oh.

I owe you bucks.

Well, no messages.
My dad hasn't called in two weeks now.

I wouldn't worry too much, Shawn.
Could be a million good reasons.

(Cory) Yeah.

Didn't he say he was on his way to
the Vatican to visit his old friend the Pope?

- Yeah.
- Well,

they only have one phone there
and it's in the Pope's bedroom.

And you don't want to go in there.

It was just after his last letter,
I thought he was headed this way.

I was hoping to get to see him, that's all.

Mr. Turner,
we got a big problem with Shawn.

I mean,
this one goes way beyond pooberty.

You mean puberty.

Yeah. Pooberty.

Listen, you gotta get Shawn's dad out here
for at least a visit.

I mean, he hasn't seen him
since he took off after his mom.

And that was, like, a year ago.

I don't think he's coming back real soon,
Matthews.

Why do you say that?

Well, because Chet's calls
are getting fewer and far between.

And a few months back
he sent me the paperwork

to make me Shawn's legal guardian.

Wow. No wonder
Shawn's been so bummed out lately.

It's a big step for him.
And for me.

I mean, it's difficult enough
just living together

in that mousehole of an apartment.

Mr. Turner, you gotta do something.

Yeah, I do.

You know what? You're a good guy.

- Here's the bucks I owe you.
- .

That's a good memory.

I'm just saying
I didn't like any of the apartments we saw.

- Be specific.
- OK. The first one?

Absolutely no furniture.

Shawn, it was
an unfurnished apartment.

- Thank you.
- Shawn, why are you being so difficult?

I'm not being so difficult.

You know, I didn't mind
the nice duplex in the condo community,

but you said that it was too expensive.

Good news!
The duplex in the condo community?

I talked him down.
And look what they're throwing in.

Carpets.

Now, my advice is to go shag
'cause it feels good between your toes.

What is wrong with right here?
I mean, look.

There's furniture everywhere.

And the neighbors - the best.

Wonderful people
who mind their own business.

Hey, Mrs. Dubchek,
can you quit looking at me like that?

Eli, what's going on?

Remember when
Mrs. Dubchek's husband d*ed?

And she said
she'd never look at another man?

Well, she's over him.

And I'm scared.

Why? You know,
you could do worse than Mrs. Dubchek.

In fact, I've seen you
do worse than Mrs. Dubchek.

This building's gonna miss that wit
when you're gone.

- And when is that happy day, huh?
- As soon as Shawn finds a place he likes.

You know, since everybody's
talking about me like I'm not here,

I might as well not be here.
Let me know how things turn out.

Look, Mr. Turner,
I know Shawn's a little antsy about this,

but this idea of yours,
moving into a new apartment,

I think it's brilliant.

Shawn! Wait up! I got some linoleums
that'll knock your socks off.

Mr. Matthews.

How I love the energy of a rededicated
and enthusiastic senior. Off to class, eh?

Lunch.

You know, it wouldn't be a bad idea if you
took some of that pep into the classroom.

Well, you start serving mashed taters,
maybe I will.

I'll take it under consideration.
Now, while you're here,

I have your paper
on European monarchies.

- A D?
- Yes.

Oh, Mr. Feeny. I worked really hard on this.
Where'd I go wrong?

I'd have to say the fifth grade,
when you took that ride in the dryer.

Yeah, but if it wasn't for that
my hair would still look like Cory's.

Come on. Mr. Feeny, you know
how hard I've been working lately.

This grade's gonna k*ll my average.
Can I do another paper?

I have a better idea.

Tutoring.

I thought all the tutors got together
and agreed to never work with me again.

Oh, indeed they did.

My thought was to make you a tutor.

Mr. Feeny,
when'd you take your ride in the dryer?

- Do you know Jeff Lacy?
- Yeah, he's a guard in the basketball team.

Mr. Lacy has athletic scholarship offers
to colleges,

but he needs
at least a C average to get in.

OK. So I tutor this kid, help him get
into college, he turns pro, makes millions...

What do I get out of this?

The joy of helping someone learn.

But no money.

You get used to it.

- So? Did you decide yet?
- About what?

The condo. Now, look,
I just got off the phone with the landlord.

There was another offer made, but I did a
little dancing, I bought us another half-day.

- But you can't keep us hanging.
- "Us?" Cory, what's in this for you?

Well, if I rent ten places, I get a cruise.

Cory, there's not gonna be any move.

Why? What's going on?

I've been moving around
ever since I was little kid. I'm sick of it.

I don't want to do it anymore. So I just want
the next move to be the last one.

Yeah, but Turner's doing this for you.
I mean, he's a great friend.

Yeah. A friend.

John, this does not taste like chicken
à l'orange. You didn't use Tang, did you?

Eli, I said taste it,
not suck the meat off the bone.

Somebody's got their apron on
a little too tight. What's with you?

Well, I spoke to an attorney today.
Guess what?

- In hours I'm Shawn's legal guardian.
- Whoa.

Been on the fence
about that one for a while.

You know, it's what he needs, man.

Besides, I've come this far,
I might as well go the distance, you know?

Well,

something like that'll
change your life forever, man.

- What'll change your life forever?
- See you guys later.

Hey, Shawn, I thought you were
eating dinner over at the Matthews.

Yeah, I was, but I'm tired.
I wanted to turn in early.

Chicken à la Tang.

- What's the special occasion?
- Well, I got a date.

But, hey, you know,
I can easily stretch this three ways.

Hey,

- I finally got another letter from my dad.
- Where is he now?

He's still in that truck stop in Reading.

What did you do that for?

It's miles from here, John. I mean,
the least he could do is come visit me.

Hey, you know, Shawn,
I spoke to an attorney today.

A couple of signatures
and I'm your legal guardian.

I thought you did that months ago.

Well, I got the forms,
I just never got around to filling them out.

"Got around to filling them out"?

I'm so sorry
my life didn't fit into your busy schedule.

Whoa, whoa, Shawn. Hey, cut me some
slack. I'm just trying to do the right thing.

Yeah. Yeah, I know you are.

Hey, enjoy your date.

All right, Jeff.
Here's an easy one.

Now, who was
the king of France before Louis XIV?

I'm not following.

Come on, Jeff. This stuff's definitely
gonna be on the test. Now it's Louis the...

...King?

All right, last minute of play. You answer
one question, we win the big game.

- Go, baby.
- OK.

- Jeff, is that your Porsche out front?
- Yes!

We win.

You care for a little ride, ladies?

Hey, Jeff, come on.
Look away. Studying.

Is that all
you straight-C students think about?

No, but I promised Feeny. Besides,
you can't fit four people in a Porsche.

We can if the girls sit on your lap.

Break time.

All right, Jeff.
Who painted the Sistine Chapel?

- Michelangelo.
- Jeff!

Nah, just kidding. Who?

What a waste of a night.

I just spent three hours speeding around
in a Porsche with a pretty girl in my lap.

- I hate when that happens.
- Who do you know that has a Porsche?

Oh, you didn't hear? The school's
all-American point guard is being tutored

by the school's
all-American cheesehead.

- Cory, get the phone.
- I didn't hear it ringing.

- I'll get it.
- Eric, a tutor.

I'm proud, yet confused.

Can we be sued?

Hi, Mrs. Matthews, Mr. Matthews.

- Can you guys leave?
- No.

- Dang. I need another plan.
- Shawn, let's just go outside.

Man, you are good on your feet.

Cory, now that your parents
have left the room,

I gotta ask you something.
What are you doing tonight?

Well, I'm showing a three bedroom at : ,
but after then I'm free as a bird.

- Cool, 'cause we're going to see my dad.
- What? You know where he is?

Yeah, he's staying
at this truck stop in Reading.

And by motorcycle
that's less than an hour away.

I'm there. But can Turner get us both
on the back of his bike?

Turner's not coming.
It's just you and me.

No, forget it, Shawn. Count me out.

Oh, come on. It's just a little field trip.

What's the worst thing
that could possibly happen?

You get one phone call.

You guys really say that, huh?

Nice way to spend a date.

A little dinner,
a little wine, a little prison.

Hey, at least you got dinner.

Shawn, that was a stupid,
dangerous stunt you pulled.

What if you'd have lost control of the bike?

- I didn't.
- Yeah, but, Shawn, what if you had?

- But I didn't.
- You could've hurt someone

and I'd be legally responsible.

Oh, so that's why you're so upset. You
don't want to be legally responsible for me.

That's a cheap sh*t and you know it.

Yeah?

Then why'd you take your sweet time
to file for guardianship?

- Is that what this is about?
- It's what everything's about, John.

It's my life. I mean, you've got your life,
my dad's got his life,

I... I just feel like I've got nothing.

Shawn, if you'd have wanted
to see your dad, I could've taken you.

It's... it's more than that, John. I'm...

I'm just tired of feeling like a guest
wherever I go.

I know. I know.

Look, Shawn, this hasn't been
the easiest year for me either, you know.

I mean, going from a single guy to raising
a year old was not on my to-do list.

Great. So we're both
on each other's nerves.

Well, I don't know, Shawn.
I mean, I offered to get us a bigger place,

you don't want any part of it.

Yeah, well, you've had
the guardianship papers for months

and you still haven't filled them out yet.

I don't know, maybe...

...maybe we're both afraid to make
this living arrangement permanent.

Yeah.

Maybe we are.

(door bell)

Got it. Got it.

Good news, Cor.

Shawn, there's no such thing as
good news before I've had my Grape-Nuts.

I'm just gonna
store some stuff here until I settle in.

- Settle in?
- Yeah. I'm moving back to the trailer park.

What? Your dad found your mom
and they're moving back?

No, I'm moving into Uncle Mike's trailer.

- Are you sure about that?
- Yeah.

I just don't know
why I didn't think of this a long time ago.

Yeah, but, Shawn, I mean, you said
you were only gonna make one more move

and it had to be the right one.

Look, I can't keep waiting for my dad
to come home. I gotta get on with my life.

At least at the trailer park
I'll be surrounded by family.

And the FBI agents who surround them.

- Ah, our son the tutor.
- So how was studying with Jeff?

Nag, nag, nag.
What are you? My mom?

- Yes. And what a joy it is.
- Oh...

I'm sorry, Mom. I shouldn't take all my
anger out on you. That's what Cory's for.

Cory!

Eric,

what's the problem?

Dad, I recite the entire history
of Europe to this kid,

from Henry IV's Edict of Nantes
to Talleyrand and the Treaty of Vienna.

You know what he says to me?
He says, "I can burp through my ears."

- And then he does it.
- Well, at least you tried.

You know what gets me?

This kid's got colleges begging him
to come there and I can't get into one.

Eric, you will get into college,
and you will have earned it.

You know, maybe Jeff's onto something.

Maybe I have, like, an untapped talent
that could guide me through life, huh?

Apple, sink,

he sh**t...

He sucks.

He pays.

Ear burps it is, then.

You know, Mom, Dad,

when Eric's off to college that big old room
of ours is gonna seem mighty lonely.

- What's your angle?
- Shawn needs a new place to live.

What?
He's not happy at Mr. Turner's?

How could he be?
It's not really his home.

Well, you know there's always room for
Shawn here, but this wouldn't be his home.

It'd still be
just another temporary solution.

I think what Shawn needs
is something permanent.

What does Shawn's dad
have to say about this?

Who knows?
I mean, no one talks in that family.

Well, I know if Shawn were my son
I'd like to be consulted about his future.

OK, Topanga.
Just act natural and try and fit in.

OK. But I'm not going to spit.

I don't see Shawn's dad anywhere.

- OK, let's go. Maybe the bus is still here.
- No! No. We're on a mission.

Now cover me.

Oh, I really hope
I don't have to use the bathroom.

Gentlemen.

Now that I've broken the ice,

anyone here know a guy
named Chet Hunter?

You know,

I did forget to chalk my nose
before I left the house. Thank you, sir.

I don't care if you're having a good time,

I am sick of watching you
sh**t pool all night.

If you're not gonna treat me
like a desirable woman

then I will just find me a man that can.

What about you, mister?

You look like a man
who knows how to treat a woman right.

Oh, tingle.

- Do you know how to dance?
- Teach me? Please?

Cory, what are you doing?

Well, I'm trying to see
what this woman knows.

Which I'm thinking is an awful lot.

Do you really think
this is a productive use of our time?

Oh, absolutely.

Hey, I found him first.

Don't make me laugh.

- Would you like to step outside?
- Yeah, I would.

Oh, this is great.

Lord love a duck.
Is that who I think it is?

Yeah. Mr. Hunter, it's me.
Cory Matthews.

Oh. Sorry. My mistake.

- No. No, I'm Shawn's friend.
- Oh, right.

Right. How you been?

- Step into my office. Pie?
- Oh, no, thanks.

No, I'm asking you do you think it's pie?
I got it out of the dirties.

Either apple brown betty
or some kind of dim sum.

So, uh, are you working here?

Just till I pay off some parking tickets.
Then back out on the road,

looking for my lovely wife, Virna.

- You ever been married?
- Oh, I'm .

Now, now, now.
Don't you give up hope.

Virna and I were
before we got hitched.

She wanted to wait
till she got out of the navy.

So, Cortés,
what brings you up here?

Well, I actually came
to talk to you about Shawn.

- Why? Is he sick?
- No. No, no.

He's just all confused. And...

...well, I think he really misses you.

Well, I miss him too.
He's a good boy.

Then come back for him.

- He needs you there.
- No.

Shawn'll be better off where he is.

Turner sends me his report cards
and his tests.

He even sent me a picture of him
and that new girlfriend of his.

Reminds me of his mom.
About a thousand years ago.

But, see, Shawn needs family in his life.

- And that's you.
- Come on, son.

Shawn's better off where he is now
than he ever could be with a man like me.

Mr. Turner's great and all, OK?
But he's his friend. He's not his father.

You are.

And, with all due respect,

if you love him, Mr. Hunter,
then you'd come back for him.

I love him.
I love him so much I can't go back.

But you, uh...

...you tell Shawn his daddy said...

...hey.

If you teased that hair
I bet you'd be six feet tall.

OK, Louanne. Let's do it.

Lamb chop, you have another
cup of coffee. This may take a while.

- Uh, Mr. Feeny?
- Hm?

You know,
before you grade the midterms,

- I just wanna...
- I already have, Mr. Matthews.

Mr. Feeny,

I just want you to know
that I worked really hard with Jeff,

but you know better than anybody else

that you can't teach somebody
if they don't want to learn.

Well, how do you explain this?

- You gave Jeff a C plus?
- No, no.

You did.

I don't know what to say.
I thought the guy was a total lost cause.

I don't believe in lost causes.

- I think this is yours.
- Oh. Wait, Mr. Feeny.

You didn't finish your sentence here.
You just put "A...". "A..." what?

That's your grade, Eric.

It is?

It is!

Mr. Feeny,
as I stand here in front of you,

my fellow students,
the entire faculty, I must say that...

Oh, give it up, man.
It's just one test.

However, congratulations.

Hey, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. Mr. Feeny.

This was your plan all along?
I teach Jeff, but really I teach myself?

He does better, I do better?

Mr. Feeny, you sly, sly dog.

Got lucky on that one.

Thanks, Mike. Hey, I'm glad to see
that promotion came through for you.

- Dad?
- Shawn?

What are you doing here?

Well, I guess I could ask you
the same thing. Evening, officer.

Hey, here's a hint, son. Whenever
you find yourself in custody, smile.

Nobody ever billy clubbed a happy man.

So, Dad.
Long time. You look good.

- Well, right back at you.
- How'd you ever find me here?

Better question.
How'd you find yourself here?

Well, uh,

I moved out of Turner's. I was gonna move
in with Uncle Mike, but his trailer's gone.

So a cop found me sleeping in the park
and brought me here.

Hey, did they turn on the swirly lights when
they brought you in? That's always fun.

- So, uh... so any luck finding Mom?
- Well, I saw her a couple of months ago.

Had her cornered in Mississippi,
but she dove off the riverboat.

Woman swims like a seal.

Dad, how long
are you gonna keep chasing her?

I just wanna give her
enough time to clear her head.

- It's been a year.
- Woman's got a big head.

- Come on, who are you kidding?
- Yeah, I suppose you're right.

If your mama wanted me to catch her,
well, she'd be caught.

So, uh... so what's next?

What's next is we get you out of here
and back to Turner's, where you belong.

Dad, you know, I was thinking,

maybe you could
stick around here for a while.

There ain't nothing in this town for me.

Yeah there is. Me.

Shawn, I left you at Turner's
because in my mind it was a better place.

And it was a good place, Dad,
but I wouldn't call it better.

It wasn't with you. It wasn't home.

- I don't know, Shawn.
- Come on, Dad.

I'm right here.

No chasing.

Besides...

...I need you.

And I'm thinking you need me.

Well, if you remember,
I ain't much of a cook.

- Can't be any worse than Mom.
- Ain't that the truth.

Shawn, I'm gonna do something I haven't
done since you were a very little boy.

- Get a job?
- Heck, no. Something better.

Hunter.

- You've been bailed.
- Which one?

- Little one.
- All right, Shawn.

Chet?

Look at me, Teach. I'm a bad seed.
I was on my way to your place

when I ran into a speed trap
and a pile of unpaid parking tickets.

Yeah, so let me guess
who's bailing you out.

Well, I'd be much obliged.

I gotta get outta here
so I can take care of my boy.

- What do you mean?
- I mean I'm staying.

Wouldn't be much of a father
if I didn't, would I?

- Your job's done.
- Hey, Shawn?

Dad, can I talk to John
alone for a minute?

Sure. I'd step outside,
but they'd sh**t me.

Hey, Shawn, I don't even need to ask.
I can tell this is what you want.

You know, John, this is like we said.
We knew that this wasn't forever.

- Hey, a roof and a bed.
- And a good friend.

The best.

Thanks.

I owe you. You put up with a lot.

I'd do it again.

OK, Shawn, I'll meet you downstairs.

One more parking ticket
and our home gets the Denver boot.

Hey, you kids, get off my front porch.

- Well, Cor, wish me luck.
- You got it.

Hey, you know, my dad told me about
how you tracked him down and everything.

Shawn, we're friends. I mean,
we help each other out. That's what we do.

You know what I've wanted
to do for a long time, Cor?

Invite you to my house for dinner.

- Well, who's cooking?
- You are.

Huh.

I'm there.

OK, that's just about it.

Dad, that's Mr. Turner's TV.

Well, heck.
You've been here a year.

Besides, teachers shouldn't
be watching television anyway.