03x10 - Train of Fools

[bunniefuu]

Cory! Cory, guess what.
For New Year's Eve, I got us a limousine.

- A limousine?
- Yeah, yeah. That's short for "limo."

My Uncle Laslo's stretch limo.

He's not busy that night,
so he's gonna be our chauffeur.

Wow, that's great.
You know, Topanga's gonna love this.

I mean, we can go to any party, anytime.

- Boys. Quick, where are your parents?
- Oh, they're out, Mr. Feeny. Why?

My cab to the airport is waiting,
and all I have is traveler's checks, so I...

- You're asking us for money, aren't you?
- Yes, I've hit bottom.

Welcome!

(car horn)

Please, gentlemen. I miss this flight,
I kiss my week in the Bahamas goodbye.

Mr. Feeny, my man, you're in luck.
I just happen to have some of my...

No, no, no, no.
Cor, please. Allow me.

Would, uh, bucks get you to the airport?

I suppose.

Cor, lend me bucks.

Come on.

You know, if you had thought
about this ahead of time,

- you wouldn't be in this situation.
- Yes, yes, yes.

(car horn)

- Thank you.
- Excuse me.

- Thank you!
- Hey. Hey, you don't have to shout.

Penne arrabbiata!

Shawn, you just wished him
a spicy pasta.

- I know.
- (Eric) Oh, my God!

No! No!

- No way!
- Eric, what's the matter?

Hot cha-cha!

- I heard screaming. Something wrong?
- Oh, Dad. Thanks for giving birth to me.

- I was there too.
- Oh, right. Kudos, Mom.

Get this. Your firstborn,
the fruit of your loom,

has a dream date this New Year's Eve
with supermodel Rebecca-Alexa.

Rebecca-Alexa? The jeans girl?
The one with the...?

- Yes!
- And the...?

- Yes!
- No!

- Yes, yes, yes!
- Eric, how did you scam this?

She's Jason's second cousin,
she's in from out of town, she needs a date,

so she's going out with me!
I am just so happy!

All those long, hard years of dating
finally paid off, huh?

Well, not for her, but...

Oh. No, just think.
I mean, when that clock strikes ,

I'll be kissing the famous blonde lips
of supermodel Rebecca-Alexa

in front of all of Philly. Oh!
Mommy, Daddy... catch me.

Amy! Let's go. New Year's Eve. Big night.
Fun, fun, fun. Let's get it over with!

- (Amy) Alan, I'm still shaving my legs.
- Well, finish in the car. Let's go.

OK, Dad. I need your honest opinion.
How do I look? Do I look fat?

Eric, for the last time,

she's just a girl, it's just a date
with someone who happens to be a model.

I'm a fat-fatty-fat.

Wow! Whoo! Hey.

Well worth the wait.

Which really wasn't that long.

Oh, Eric. You look so handsome.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

Too handsome?

All right, Mom.
I'm gonna wait outside for Shawn, OK?

All right, stop. Wait.
Let me look at you. Come here.

Mom...

Oh, Alan. Remember when the two of 'em
would stay up late on New Year's Eve

and eat popcorn and watch the ball drop?

What has happened to my babies?

Dad, she's not gonna cry now, is she?

Amy. Mascara.
We haven't got that kind of time.

Oh, admit it, boys.
Those were great times.

Oh, sure. I mean, you guys got to go out.

I was stuck here with Cory,
trying to pull Raisinets out of his nose.

Yeah, if it wasn't for those shrimp forks,
they'd still be up there.

You know, I haven't heard a thank-you.

Now, guys, be careful tonight. You know,
New Year's Eve brings out all the crazies.

Come on, everybody! Let's get crazy!

- He's on my side.
- Cory, Uncle Laslo and our limo await.

- Why does that limo look so strange?
- Maybe because it's a hearse.

(car horn plays "Funeral March")

- That's cool.
- Yeah.

Wait till you see what's in the back seat.

Eric, you're gonna have to move that old
rusty excuse for a car out of the driveway.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
You're talkin' about my Lucille here.

Now, I mean,
granted, she's not the most reliable car,

but she gets me where I gotta be goin'.

Hey, there's nothin' you guys can say or do
to pull me away from her.

- Eric, why don't you take our car tonight?
- OK, sure.

- Amy!
- No, Alan.

I don't want him
driving that thing downtown.

- Here are the keys. We'll take your car.
- OK, great. Here are the pliers.

You want it to start, don't you?

Man, I am so glad
we're spending New Year's Eve at home.

Yup. No suits, no ties, no spending
bucks on a woman you hardly know.

You don't know how close I came
to ringing in the New Year with Janine.

- The clinger?
- Yeah.

She's OK, you know,
if your mother's got plans.

I'm telling you, man,
you should have stuck with Valerie.

Oh, no, no.
Two weeks was enough for me.

That girl had way too much baggage.
Our first date, she had to bring a skycap.

- No, this was not my year for women.
- Or mine.

Speaking of which,
I ran into Rochelle the other day.

- Oh, yeah? How... how'd she look?
- Not so good.

- Ah, thanks, man.
- I'm lying.

I knew that.
Anyway, it's good to have the night off.

- That's right. We got beer...
- Yes, sir.

- (buzzer)
- Ah! Pizza.

Yes.

(giggles)

- And Janine.
- Jonathan, first of all, relax. I'm not staying.

- Come on in, Janine.
- But I saw your light on,

and I know you hate to be alone, so...

- No, that's you, Janine.
- Right.

Anyway,
I wanted to make sure you were OK.

- He's OK.
- Oh, hi, Eli.

Happy New Year.

- Jonathan, you look thin.
- Well, thanks.

It's not a compliment.

- You know what would be just terrif?
- What?

How about if I whip you up a nice lasagna?

- No, no, no. Look, I don't...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lasagna, man.

No, that's real nice, Janine, really. But
we got a pizza coming and everything, so...

- (buzzer)
- See? See, there it is.

Somebody order a pizza
with everything on it?

- Valerie.
- A very happy New Year.

Somewhere.

Val?

Janine?

(both) Oh, my God!

Nice going, Shawn.

Without Uncle Laslo's hearse,
how are we gonna make it to the parties?

Hey, hey. It's not my fault, OK?

You see a corpse breathing,
you've gotta take it back.

It's the right thing to do, man.

Look, I'm happy for the stiff, all right?
But it really stuck it to a lot of people.

Gee, guys, it's New Year's Eve.

- A time to celebrate, not fight.
- You know what? You're right, Topanga.

OK. And we're gonna make this
the best New Year's Eve ever.

If we were dead,
'cause then we'd have a ride.

Oh, Rebecca-Alexa,
I am so sorry the car broke down.

Eric, don't worry about it.
These things happen.

You understand?
You're not mean and icy? Oh!

You are a super-duper model.

Oh, my God.
Do... do you know who you are?

You're Rebecca-Alexa.

I'm a big, big, big fan.

I-I'm huge.

- Thank you.
- Hi. Hi.

I-I'm Cory. I'm Eric's brother.

Um, this is... Topanga.

- She's a girl from school, but...
- Cory?

She's also my girlfriend, and I love her
very much, so, uh, don't get any ideas.

So... so, do supermodels
have any special powers?

I mean, like,
can you read what I'm thinking?

Yes.

I'm really sorry.

Rebecca-Alexa, I lucked out.
I got us the last cab in Philly.

- Oh, Eric, you gotta let us share it.
- All right, let me think.

I'm seeing a big, hairy "no."

Eric, this is my first New Year's Eve
out of the house, all right?

- I mean, without this cab, we're stranded.
- All right, hold on, hold on.

No, I tried. I just can't care less.

Cory, I know how you feel.
My older sister never took me anywhere.

- I never forgave her.
- Cor, great idea.

Why don't you share our cab, bud?

Why, thanks, Eric.
What made you change your mind?

Why don't you come over here,
and I'll tell you?

You say one sentence to me or my date,
it'd better be,

"Help, I'm flyin' out the cab window."

Oh, Eric, don't you worry about that.
I am not gonna do anything stupid.

Cory, how could you
do something so stupid?

You sent away the last cab in the city.

Look, I'm telling you. There was
something weird about that driver.

I mean, didn't you see his license in
the windshield? It wasn't even his picture.

Cory, if stupidity was in the Olympics,
you'd win a Nobel prize.

Look, Eric,
the man was obviously an impostor, OK?

I mean, for all I know,
he was gonna take us to some warehouse

and cut out our livers.

Hey, no biggie. I've already had mine out.

Rebecca-Alexa, I apologize for all
the stupidity that runs in this family.

- I'm just a carrier.
- It's no big deal.

I don't need to go to a big, crowded party
with everyone staring at us.

- Oh, we're goin', baby.
- Hey!

Light bulb. Why don't we just have
our own little party right here?

I'm telling you, it'll be so much fun
making popcorn, watching the ball drop...

All right, all right. Cory, make it stop.

Look, Rebecca-Alexa, one way or another,
we are gonna be seen at that party.

How? I mean, what are we gonna do?
Take the subway?

- Great idea, Rebecca.
- I wasn't being serious.

Well, then, you lucked out,
'cause this is fun.

I mean... ridin' the rails
in a mighty locomotive.

♪ I think I can,
I think I can, I think I can

It's nice to see you
in a better mood, brother.

- Just die.
- Isn't this great?

There is something so exciting about
doing things by the seat of your pants.

Yeah, like that guy.

(all) Ohh!

Gosh!

Hey, Cory, why do I feel
like we're being watched?

- You feel that too?
- Yeah, it's weird.

You know, it... it feels kinda like...

(both scream)

OK. Come on. Let's do it, people.
We've got parties to go to.

What's your rush, Shawn? It's only : .
We have plenty of time before midnight.

Yeah. And, Eric, you'll be kissing Rebecca
in front of all of Philly, just like you wanted.

In front of all of Philly?

You know, I don't know
where he gets this kinda stuff.

So your brother thinks of me
as just a trophy?

(mouths)

- Yes!
- Cory!

How do you lie to a supermodel?

I mean, those lips
can see right through you.

Eric? I just remembered.

I have to... go home.

What? No, wait! Rebecca-Alexa!
No! Rebecca-Alexa!

No, wait! Stop the train! Stop the train!

Rebecca-Alexa! My God!

Eric! It's OK.

I have to get off the train.
I have to get off the train!

No. Look, you can get off
at the next stop, all right?

There aren't any cabs left in the city.
She can't get too far.

Trust me, OK?
Everything is gonna be dandy.

- (brakes screech)
- (screaming)

What did you do?

- Nothing.
- (PA) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your...

(static)

We seem to be experiencing a major...

(static)

- What did he say?
- He said Cory broke the train.

Trapped on a subway.
This is a nightmare!

Look, no one's gonna bother us
if we just act tough, OK?

Boy, I love New Year's Eve.

I'd sure hate to have
to k*ll somebody, though.

With my flu virus.

OK, if I could just
pry my fingers into the door...

...they would get stuck, like this.

Ohh! Agh!

Attention, passengers. The... (static)
...is still not functioning.

Do not, under any circumstances... (static)

...which may result
in death or dismemberment.

Now what did he say?

He said,
"Cory, go out and lick the third rail."

Hey! Buck up, buckers. It's probably
just a teeny electrical problem.

And look on the bright side.
The city is saving on electricity.

What is it with you tonight, Topanga?
Did you swallow Sandy Duncan?

That's it, Cory Matthews.
I am sick of being the rah-rah girl!

You try being the positive one all the time,
and using words like "buckers."

I have demons, so there!

Wow. What a rush.

You, uh... you guys don't spend
a lot of time on the subway, do you?

Not on subways this nice.

- So, uh, what do you think the problem is?
- A loose wire, an air blow in the Cineston.

Duh.

- How long till they fix it?
- On a holiday? It's hard to say, man.

Hello? Hello? Eric Matthews to bridge,
Eric Matthews to bridge.

OK, guys. I have been up and down
this train, and here's the scoop.

Car five, parochial schoolgirls
who ditched their nun.

(chuckling) Nice!

For Shawn.

Oh, and car two, Mrs. Ginelli
just went into labor. I saw the head.

- Hey, what are you eating there?
- Oh, that's the best part.

Some caterers are stuck in the next car.
Look. Look, it's a tiny, tiny crab cake.

- In a light pastry shell.
- Will you forget about the crab cake?

The subway. The subway, can they fix it?
What's wrong with it?

Why would I ask?
We've got food, babes and birth.

Eric, the cycle of life is complete.

Not without Rebecca-Alexa.

Hello? Hello, if there's any intelligent life
out there that can hear my voice...

(man) Get off the box, kid.
This line is for emergencies only.

Look, sir, believe me,
I have an emergency.

I am right now missing my date
with supermodel Rebecca-Alexa.

- The jeans girl?
- Yes, my captain.

Life's tough.
Hey, Ernie, is that a crab cake?

Oh, no!

(raucous laughter)

- I didn't know you went out with Jonathan.
- Oh, man. Eli, I'm getting k*lled over there.

I know. Shh.

- How'd he end it with you?
- He took me to dinner.

- Italian?
- Yeah.

And then he tells me, "Look."

"You deserve to be with someone
who can really appreciate you."

- "I'm just not ready..."
- (both) "...for such a big commitment."

Well, if I'm so horrible,
what are you guys both doing here?

Hey, hey. Don't bring 'em down, man.
They're having a good time.

- Uh, Eli?
- Yeah?

You wanna give me a hand
with these plates?

Well, you know,
I would, Jonathan, but, uh...

...I don't think I'm ready
for such a big commitment.

Oh, that's a burly look.

What are you doin'? You're supposed to be
helpin' me get rid of them.

Look, they're not goin' anywhere.
We may as well just sit back and enjoy it.

You do that. Meanwhile, I'll light myself
on fire and I'll do a happy dance.

There's something so nice
about being around women.

Yeah, but the reason
we planned this whole night

is that we wouldn't
have to be around women.

I lied.

So, Timmy, you tiger, here's the plan:

I'm gonna lower you down. When your feet
hit the tracks, I want you to start running.

You're gonna find this girl,
and give her this note. OK?

Take the note, Timmy.
Now run like the wind, Timmy.

Run like the wind, Timmy. Timmy...

Hey, lady!
You just take care of you, all right?

OK! Mrs. Ginelli's real close.

Does anybody here
know anything about deliveries?

You. Pizza guy.
You'll have to do. Come on!

Eric looks very upset.
You should talk to him.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Eric, I'm, you know...

You!

You're the reason for all of this. You
climbed out of my cab and sent it away.

You told Rebecca-Alexa I wanted to kiss
her in front of all of Philadelphia,

thus foiling my divine plan!

I'm sorry your night with Rebecca-Alexa
didn't work out, OK?

All I wanted was a big party,
with a lot of people having a good time.

You think this is
how I wanted to spend my night?

I mean, you'd have to be an idiot
to have a good time down here.

I don't know about you guys,
but I am having a great time.

Oh, and that pizza guy says he'll have
the baby delivered in under minutes.

Which gives me plenty of time
to check up on those parochial girls.

I told them my uncle was the Pope.

Well, I guess some people
can have a good time anywhere.

So, Eric, if you just want to sulk and
feel sorry for yourself, be my guest, OK?

But I'm gonna make the best of it,

'cause I'm here with my friends,
and that's what's important.

Yep, fine. You do that, all right?

I'm gonna use all my brainpower
to will this train to move.

(breathes deeply)

Ah, phooey! I need a bigger brain.

Timmy! Come over here.

I don't get John either,
'cause I loved Thelma and Louise, OK?

Could he be more perfect?

- Stop. Stop.
- I know, I know.

I mean, really.

- Hey, Johnny. Where you goin', man?
- Oh, I don't know. I'm thinkin' the roof.

Well, remember, tuck and roll.

Hey, Eli.

I made a New Year's resolution:
I hate your guts.

The man is obviously not a people person.

Lynn.

Jonathan, I, um... I just need
some closure on our relationship.

Relationship? We only went out once.

Why are you being so hostile? (wails)

I just need to be with someone
who will listen to me!

- Hey, Eli!
- Yeah?

(whispers) Come in, come in. Incoming!

OK! All aboard the party car. We've got
refreshments by the conductor's booth,

we've got dancing right here,
and if you guys want a quite place to chat,

there is plenty of room
down by the sad guy.

Hey, man, you know, I thought tonight
was gonna be a wash.

But you pulled it together
and turned it into a paartay.

- What?
- A party.

- Oh, cool. Thanks.
- Hey, you're all right.

Hey, everybody! Listen up.
How about we give it up

for the man who put together
this little underground paartay?

(all) What?

- Party.
- Oh.

- Yeah!
- (cheering)

(♪ dance music)

What was that for?
It's not even midnight.

I know. But they're passing out garlic balls,
and I wanted to get a fresh kiss in.

Can I get one of those?

- A lot of garlic.
- Yeah, like I got somebody to kiss.

- Look, Eric, I said I was sorry.
- No, no. Look, I'm over Rebecca-Alexa.

You know why? 'Cause I dumped her.
I can do better than her.

You know what else?
I don't even believe me. Thank you.

Uh...

You know, Eric, I was thinking.

I mean... everyone always makes
such a big deal out of New Year's, right?

But why? I mean, they never turn out
the way you planned.

- Yeah, you're not kiddin'.
- Yeah, especially for us.

Uh, you remember that night where
we tried to make popcorn in the radiator?

How could I forget?
I mean, Mom and Dad freaked out on us,

and the walls popped for weeks.

How about that year we let
the blonde baby-sitter curl your hair?

Oh, yeah. I remember that.

- When's that going away?
- I don't know. It's...

Yeah, we had
a lot of lousy New Year's together.

Yeah, we sure did.

They were all pretty good.

Especially this one. I mean, big party,
lot of people dancing, having a good time.

Thanks, man.

OK, everybody! Listen up, listen up!
The New Year is coming in!

Five... four...

(all join in)...three, two, one!

(cheering)

(whooping)

Hey! Hey, hey!
Hey, good news, everybody!

- Twins!
- Mrs. Ginelli had twins?

No. But I do.

This is Linda,
and her sister, More-Linda.

Happy New Year's, Cor.

Happy New Year's, Eric.

Eric, as much as I'm liking
this brother-brother moment, I...

- Yeah, go kiss your girlfriend. Go.
- Thank you.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Quiche?

Don't mind if I do.

Amy, Alan... Oh, this is so embarrassing.
Do you have any money?

Well, George Hamilton Feeny! Great tan!

Yes, yes. Well, it was a wonderful trip.
But the cab is waiting,

and all I have is Bahamian cash,
and airline peanuts.

Oh, I'm sorry, George.
I didn't get to the bank today.

Hey! I got a dollar.

Dig deeper, man. The meter's running.

Well, why don't you have the guy
take you to a bank machine?

I don't want to spend
another minute with this driver.

He looks nothing like his picture.

(car horn)

I'll be right there, Vajneesh!

Hey, Mr. Feeny.
How was your trip?

Hey, maybe the boys
can loan you some money.

Oh...

A little short again...

...George?

I'd rather risk my liver.