04x07 - Singled Out

[bunniefuu]

Look at me.
Saturday night home alone.

WOMAN ON TV: Next
on the Food Channel,
yummy chewy brownies.

I should be dating
college girls, but I'm not.

MAN ON TV: And this just
in to the Weather Channel.

Hurricane Chester
has been downgraded
from a stage hurricane

to a refreshing breeze.

I want to date college girls,
but how? (LOUDLY) How, I ask?

WOMAN ON TV:
MTV's Singled Out is
coming to Philadelphia.

If you want to be
a contestant and meet
hundreds of college girls

on a very special college
edition of Singled Out,

then call the number
on your screen.

WOMAN ON TV:
To give your brownies
even more chewiness...

Wait a minute.

WOMAN ON TV: To meet
thousands of college girls,

here's that number again.
See you on Singled Out.

Yes, you will.

Honey, a tonsillectomy is
a really simple operation.

Yeah. You stay overnight
in the hospital,

you eat Jell-O and you
come home the next day.

(HOARSELY) I don't need
an operation.

Then why are you
talking like that?

I just irritated
my tonsils brushing my teeth.

It's that darn
angle toothbrush.

Shawn, tell your friend
he has to go to the hospital.

I'm sorry, Topanga.
I've got some serious
problems with doctors

and I don't think
I have to explain why.

Explain why.
Fine.

Last night
I'm flipping through
the channels, all right?

I'm watching CNN.
You're watching CNN?

Oh, yeah.
They suckered me in
with this story about cake,

but then they
did an expose on
a -year-old boy,

went to the hospital for
a routine procedure
and vanished.

Vanished? I want
a second opinion.

Cory, you're missing
the point here. Cake!

Shawn! You, go home.
You're scaring my son.

I'm sorry,
but it's my duty to
stay and protect my friend.

And I am protecting Cory
from you.

You know, I could
take you, Topanga.

Mail! Mail, mail, mail!

Eric, there must
be thousands of guys
trying to get on Singled Out.

It probably takes them
months to make a decision,
get a letter out...

And yet, lookee here.

"To Eric Matthews from MT..."

I can't quite make out
that last letter.
What is that?

V. V.
What? What?

How about I k*ll you?

Let's see here.

"Dear Eric.
Congratulations
on being selected

"to appear
as a contestant
on MTV's Singled Out.

"And please
don't bring your
negative, negative dad."

What? Let me see that.

Wow, they really put that.

Mr. Feeny,
I have to talk to you.

How could you not be here?

Mr. Feeny! Mr. Feeny!

Mr. Matthews.
What can I do for you?

I got a problem.
You're not out here gardening.

And you're not at school,
you're not gardening.
What are you doing?

I'm sorry. I'm here now.
Okay.

Look, I've been selected
to be on this MTV game
show Singled Out.

And I know they're gonna
interview me before I go
on the show

and I know they're gonna
ask me what college
I go to.

You don't go to a college.

I know the one thing
I don't want to say
is Harvard.

They're gonna know
I don't go to Harvard.

They're gonna think
I'm so stupid because
I don't know the name

of some other
prestigious school,

so, I was wondering, could you
just give me the name of the
school you went to,

if it still exists?

I won't do that, Mr. Matthews.

Gone, huh?

I won't be a party to
this deception.

And my advice to you
is think long and hard
about what you're doing.

College?
Harvard.

Harvard?
Yeah. Go, smart guys.

Tell me, if you go
to Harvard, then why are
you here in Philadelphia?

I go to the
Philadelphia campus.

They have
a Philadelphia campus?

They have six.
Stop trying to trap me.

It doesn't matter.
We chose you
because of your hair.

I understand.
See you on the show tomorrow.

Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)

Daddy?

Are you leaving?

Well, only because
visiting hours are over

and if I stay any longer,
they're gonna charge me
$ .

Well, you are my dad, and,
I guess, if you're
not worried,

then everything's
gonna be okay, huh?

Cory, there's nothing
to worry about.

This is
a routine procedure.
You're gonna be fine.

They won't slip
and cut off my head?

This is the best hospital
with the best doctors in
the city.

Do you think they'd
just let anybody in here?

Well, the first thing is,
security around here sucks.

How'd you get in here?
Never mind me.

We gotta get you out of here.

Careful. My intra...
(SCREAMS)

Hey, sorry, man.

That hurt.

Yeah, yeah. I'll take a look
at that later.

But we gotta get you
out of here before you
start losing your whole body.

Shawn, you're starting
that crazy talk again.

Ah, crazy, am I?

(CLEARS THROAT)
"Dateline, Orlando, Florida.

"A -year-old boy admitted to
a local hospital for a routine
procedure today

"mysteriously vanished
from the operating table."

Shawn, I'm quite
prone to nervousness.

So I would appreciate it
if you didn't bring in
invented stories

from those idiotic
supermarket tabloids, okay?

It's in
New York Times, baby.

The New York Times,
trailer park edition.

It's exactly the same,
except you can eat it.

Shawn, you are crazy.

WOMAN ON PA:
Dr. Hunter, Dr. Hunter,
you're wanted in delivery.

Crazy, huh?
Well, this hospital
doesn't seem to think so.

It's another Dr. Hunter,
Shawn.

I'm going to delivery.

I tell you, Cor,
no matter how many you do,
it's a miracle every time.

TAMI: Welcome back
to our special college
edition of Singled Out.

And once again, our
professor of love-ology,

Chris Hardwick.

Ooh, ooh. Okay.

All right, class,
close your books

because today we're gonna
start the semester with
comely co-eds

who will do
anything to get to
the head of the class.

But, of course, only one
will graduate with honors

and she's going to win a date
with our big man on campus.

Let's meet him.
Mr. Eric Matthews!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Take the mask off, Eric.

I'm not trying to
be funny or anything,

but you're a very
attractive man.

It's like looking
in a mirror.

No. I don't think so.

Listen, Eric, would you like
to tell the girls a little
about yourself,

the big Harvard man
that you are.

Harvard University,
ladies and gentlemen.

ERIC: Oh, no, no, no.

It's a huge school. What,
, - , students?

Why don't we...
There are some students there.

Why don't we
just play the game?

Oh, and he's modest, too,
girls. What a catch.

Well, Eric is a junior
at Harvard University.

He currently maintains
a GPA of . .

Yeah, I didn't do
too hot in science.

CHRIS: Very nice.
Science wasn't good.

Do we have to talk
about this on the air?

No, we don't
and we won't.

As a matter of fact, we'll
go over to our board here.

Our categories are
First Date, Brains,

Hygiene, Age, Height
and Experience.

Eric, where would you
like to start?

Okay, Chris. Why don't
we start with First Date?

All right. Very good.

Have you been naughty
or have you been nice?

Hmm, well, I know my mom
would want me to send away
the naughty girls, but...

All right, then!
Have you been
naughty, get out!

No! No!

No!
Yes!

Stay! My mom's not here!

You can be naughty.
I want to be naughty with you!

No! Chris!

No, hi! Hi!
I didn't mean you.

I didn't mean... Hello!

Hi! You can wait for me
outside. I can be naughty.

He tricked me!

It was... Hi!

Chris, what are
you doing to me?

You're a strong man,
sacrificing all that
just to make Mom proud.

You're sweet and sensitive,
exactly the kind of guy
every girl wants.

Is that not true, ladies?

Where would you
like to go next?

I want to go with
the naughty girls.

Well, that's not possible. So,
let's turn our attention over
here and go to the board.

Okay. Let's try Brains.

All right, Brains.
We have Einstein
or Beer Stein.

All right, Chris. You're
not gonna fool me this time.

So I know if I say
Beer Stein first...

All right,
Beer Steins, get out!

No!
CHRIS: Yes!

No! No, no, hi!

You can stay!
Party girls!
Hi! Hi!

Oh, here you go.

Here you go. (LAUGHS)

Do over. I'm sorry.

Meet me in the parking lot!

Eric, forget about them!

Oh, fine.

We've narrowed it down
to our last five brainy,

chaste girls,
just for you, buddy.

It's bad, isn't it?

No, no, no. Really,
it's fine, it's fine.

They're exactly the kind
of girls you wanted.

I mean, sweet and sensitive
and intelligent
and fully-clothed and...

We will see
how bad it is for Eric when
we come back right after this.

Naughty!
I meant naughty!

It's over. Let it go.
I had naughty.

Well, here we are. Of course,
it's Singled Out, final roun

and we're down to
the last three girls.

There used to be .

Let it go, math boy.
It's not the end
of the world.

Now before the show, we gave
Eric a pop quiz and he wrote
down some answers.

You got to try to match those.

Every time you
get an answer correct,
you move a step forward.

And if you get in the circle
first, you get to go out
with our Harvard hunk, Eric.

Harvard hunk! Harvard hunk!
You hear that, Mr. Feeny?

CHRIS: Center. Focus.
We're here.
I'm sorry.

All right. Let's begin.
Bad kissers.
Dump 'em or train 'em?

Dump 'em!
Train 'em!

Train 'em!
CHRIS: What'd you say, Eric?

Well, I'm gonna take the
time, Chris. I'm gonna
train 'em.

CHRIS: Train 'em!

A guy
who listens is sensitive
or picturing you naked?

Naked.

Sensitive.

Sensitive.
CHRIS: Eric?

Well, Chris,
I was sensitive
enough to write down...

Sensitive.
CHRIS: Sensitive!

This could be the
final question here.

Best way to wake up?
Steamy hot cocoa for two
or steamy hot shower for two?

Shower!

Shower!

Actually, cocoa.

And you were doing
so well, too.

Eric, show us shower!

Well, actually, see, the thing
is I kind of really like
cocoa!

Okay. Not a problem.

Stand up. You know,
the show may actually work,

which completely blows
my mind.

All right, Eric.
She's all the things
you wanted in a girl.

She's smart, she's sweet,
she's sensitive.

She likes cocoa, whatever.

And she's a sophomore
at Columbia University.

Turn around and meet
Lisa Thurman.

Congratulations!

Tami!

TAMI: Eric, you and Lisa
will enjoy a night on
the town...

You're a junior
at Harvard?

...escorted in your own
personal limo!

Yeah. You go to Columbia?
Yeah.

After seeing the sights
of historic Philadelphia,

you'll settle
into a cozy booth...

You like it there?
Yeah. I like it a lot.

...at one of Philadelphia's
best kept secrets. Chubbies.

Chubbies?
Oh, I love that place!

Really? I've never been there.

Really?

Well, that's the
end of the show. Thanks
for watching Singled Out.

Listen. I just want to say,
nice hair.

Hey, back at you.

Thanks, buddy. Good luck.

Okay.

He's a great guy.

Yeah, he is.

So, uh, Chubbies.
Yeah.

It's a mild sedative.

It should relax him
before we take him
to OR.

Might make him
a little groggy.

I'll have the soup.

What are you gonna have,
King Louis?

No change yet.

Honey,
they're about ready to
take you in to surgery.

I'll be right here
when you get back.

Sponge bath?
No.

Alan. Amy.

George, it's very sweet
of you to visit,

but Cory
hasn't even been in
for his surgery yet.

Well, actually, I received
an urgent phone call,
imploring me to come down.

Feeny.

I'm here, Mr. Matthews.

Closer.

I'm close enough.

Thank you for coming.

Now, I don't have much time.

I need to make peace with you.

Sedative.

Ah!

Well, all is forgiven,
Mr. Matthews.

I wish it was that simple.

I've done
a lot of bad to
you over the years.

I want to make things
right between us.

You're making me
very uncomfortable.

Ah, for once,
just listen to me, man.

In the classroom
under my desk is a key.

The key will open
airport locker B- .

In the locker is
a tattered plaid valise.

In the valise,
you will find all my homework.

For five years.

You see, all these years,
I've understood everything.

I'm actually
a brilliant student.

What is the capital
of Montana?

You're not going
to the airport,
are you?

No.

(CORY SIGHS)

Okay.
We'll see you
in a couple hours.

No. I'm vanished.

I am vanished.

" -year-old boy
vanishes during surgery."

This is idiotic. Not even
Cory could believe this
could happen to him.

MAN ON TV:
This is television's
hardest-hitting exploration

of unexplained phenomena.

We're Not Making This Up.

And now, here is
anchor Grant Steele.

During what was termed
a routine tonsillectomy at
a Philadelphia area hospital,

-year-old
Cory Matthews vanished!

Here I am with the story.

This bed is empty.

Because a -year-old
boy is not in it.

We talked to the two
grief-stricken parents.

Amy, Alan, tell us in your
own grief-stricken words
what happened.

Well, he was about
to go into surgery.

We were looking right
at him.

You were looking right
at him.

We were looking right
at him and he vanished.

When you say vanished,
you mean...

He disappeared.

When you say disappeared,
you mean...

He vanished.

How about that?

Of course he vanished.
I told him he'd vanish
and he vanished.

I even know where he went.
He went where they all go.

To the fourth dimension,

sometimes known as
The Bottle City of Kandor.

But nobody listens to me.
They all think I'm crazy.

Are you?

Am I? Am I crazy?

Well, I guess
that's for you to decide.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta go sew this
guy's head back on.

His school principal,
devoted teacher

and next-door neighbor,
George Feeny.

Are you surprised
Cory Matthews has
vanished?

I can't believe it.
It's all here.

Five years of homework,
just as the boy said.

And these papers
are remarkable.

Such insight,
such perspicacity.

How could I have doubted him?

How do you feel now, knowing
that you were wrong about
him all these years?

About the same.

So there you have it.

Cory Matthews,
if you're out there,

you're... Sort of missed.

Good night,
and we'll see you
on the next edition of

We're Not Making This Up!

You were embarrassed?
I was the one who
was embarrassed.

But you seemed
so confident up there.

Yeah? You bought
my confident thing?

Oh, I thought
you were adorable.

The things you
were saying were
so cute and smart.

Well, of course you're smart,
going to Harvard.

Yeah, well, you must be pretty
smart yourself if you got into
Columbia.

Yeah, but I never
thought I'd have so much
in common with a Harvard boy.

Will you forget about Harvard?

Okay.

You know,
the only reason
I even went on that show

is because it's so hard
to meet somebody like you.

Don't you meet
a lot of girls
in Boston?

Yeah, well, you know,
I'm in class all the time.

And when I'm not in class,
I'm on Singled Out and stuff,

so it's really hard
to meet people.

How about you?
Aren't there a lot of
nice guys at Columbia?

Yeah. There are.

What's the matter?

This would've been
so much easier
if you were a jerk.

What?

Eric, I'm not
what you think I am.

I lied.

You lied?
You're really one
of the naughty girls?

Aw! There, I'm over it.
Now, how naughty are you?

I'm pretty naughty, Eric.

Well, I'm not here to judge.

Eric, I don't
go to Columbia.

What?

I applied,
but I didn't get in.
I didn't get in anywhere.

I went on
Singled Out because I really
wanted to date a college guy

because it would make me
feel better about myself.

Wow!

Where do I start?

I'm sorry.
I'll leave if you want.

No. No, don't leave.
I'll leave.

I really should
be the one leaving.

You? I'm the pathetic townie
who lied to get on
a game show.

Lisa, if I held up my card,
it would say exactly
the same thing.

What?

I don't go to Harvard.

I mean, I did
the same thing you did,
but you confessed first.

You know, I wasn't
even gonna confess.

I was gonna
let you think that
I really went to Harvard

until you liked me anyway
and I felt better
about myself.

And then, I don't know,
I'd have my parents call you
and tell you I d*ed.

Wow! We really
are compatible.

Yeah.

So, you want to cut
the classes we don't
have and see a movie?

I hear
there's a great party
at Swarthmore. Want to go?

You can get us in?

Actually,
I thought you could.

Well... One day I will.

Feel better now, Cory?

I'm completely
recovered, darling.

They might've taken out
my tonsils,

but they could never
take out my love for you.

So, what do you got, soup?

Sherbet.
Chicken and rice.

You're still a little woozy,
aren't you?

I'm seeing five of you.

You feel strong enough
to take a walk around
the hallways?

Are you kidding? I would
walk anywhere for soup.

Cory, I picked you up
some comic...

Cor?

Cory, where are you?

Oh, no.

It happened.
He vanished!

And I'm next.
I know way too much.

Oh, no, it's happening!

I'm starting
to dematerialize.

CORY: Shawn?

Topanga and
her four sisters
are taking me for soup.

You want in?

Yeah. Sure.