04x06 - Janitor Dad

[bunniefuu]

Dad, you gotta kick Mom
out of the store,

or we're gonna go bust
by Tuesday.

Put those down.
Those are
rock-climbing shoes.

You are not doing
any rock climbing.

A skinny little man
like you?

We ain't gonna
make it to Tuesday.

There is a yogurt store
down the street.

Now go get yogurt.
That's where you belong.

And get strawberry.

Amy, I think the customers
have their own mothers

who can nag them
about their
rock climbing interests.

Well, you asked me to help you
'cause the store was so busy.

Honey, it's just that
you've been a protective
mother figure for so long,

it's kind of getting
in the way of what
we used to call sales.

Oh, you're crazy.

k*ll fish?
You're gonna k*ll fish?

The fish stuff
is not moving, Dad.

I have sold shoes.
I have sold ties.

I've been in retail
all my life.

Selling is selling.
What do you mean
"technical"?

Is this for, like, water?

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Somebody stop me.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

We might as well
face it, Dad.

We're in the middle of
Philadelphia. We're never
gonna find anybody.

Yeah. What we need
is a Grizzly Adams
mountain man

who lives the outdoor life,

knows this equipment,
who needs a job

and happens to
wander in here.

Excuse me.

I just happened to
wander in here looking
for the yogurt shop.

I heard they was
hirin' scoopers,

although I know a lot less
about yogurt, sprinkles
and waffle cones

than I do about
wilderness equipment.

I am in powerful need
of employment.

Yeah, it's four doors
down on the left.
You can't miss it.

Much obliged.

Wait a minute!

Hold on there, young man.
You're not leaving this house

till you have yourself
a healthy breakfast.

Oh, Mom, there's no time.
Cory's coming by
to pick me up.

Sticky bun
and a Flintstone vitamin.

Ooh, Dino.

Now you sit down.
I'll just pop this
in the microwave.

No. No.
No time for that.

The boy's friend's
coming by

and friendship's much more
nourishing than
any sticky bun could ever be.

What's in
the microwave, Chet?

Now, Virna, you can
continue to ask me
suspicious questions,

or you can join in
and embark
on a new relationship,

one based on
trust and love

and not goin'
in that microwave.

What bills?

What are these bills
doin' in the microwave?

They're from
the old relationship,

but we've set sail
on the good ship
new relationship,

and nothing's gonna
set that ship off course.

Hey, Mr. Hunter,
Mrs. Hunter.

Boy, it sure is nice to
see you back together,

a whole family again
in happy domestic bliss.

Well, aren't you sweet.

If you don't want to
see this entire family

livin' in an Amana
refrigerator box,

you get your sorry act
together and find some way
to pay these bills!

Perhaps I should wait
outside where there's
a little less tension.

WOMAN: You spineless
deadbeat, hiding the bills
in the cat box. I'll k*ll you.

It's first of the month
in the trailer park.

Now, Virna,
sugarpie, honeybunch,

don't you go chewing
my leg off over
a minor financial fracas.

That's your new
vocabulary word for
today, boys, "fracas."

Chet.

Yes, ma'am?

I have been tearing
tickets every afternoon
at the movie theater

so we don't have
to hide bills
in the microwave,

but pay 'em like
normal people, Chet.

I want to be normal, Chet!

(GRUNTS)

You know, Virna,
if we're not pleased

with our little job
at the theater,

maybe we should
seek employment
elsewhere.

Preferably one that
gives us a little more
job fulfillment. What?

"We"?
What?

"We."
You said "we" work.
"We" don't work!

I work!
I work like a pig!

Well, maybe you
better ask for a raise

'cause we got a microwave
full of bills, honey.

It's gotta be better
out there.

WOMAN: I want
to be normal, Spud.

I'm stuck.

Dad, Mom came back
because she believed
things would be different,

so you gotta do
something to show her
that you've changed,

that it is gonna
be different.

You're talkin' about me
gettin' a -to- job?

That would
be different.

Well, maybe
you're right, Shawny.

Maybe it's time
I quit my ways of
dreamin' and schemin',

and settled down,
got a job, and
focused on reality.

That's all I'm sayin'.

'Course, we'll have
to move to Portugal.

Portugal? Why?

It's the pearl-diving
capital of the world, Son.

You know, I can hold
my breath underwater
for over four minutes?

That should help you
when she throws you
off the bridge.

Dad, I'm talking about
a normal job.

"We want to
be normal, Chet."

g*ng up on me,
why don't you?

I suppose you want me
to get a job, too?

Whatever would
calm everybody down's
fine with me.

This isn't
gonna work.

Isn't.
Is.

I think you
are so immature.

Yeah. Well, that's what
it is to be a guy, honey.

That wasn't
Homer Simpson.

Oh. Sorry, kid.
I could've sworn
it was him.

Wow, three at once.

Oh! And they said
it couldn't be done.
Thank you, gentlemen.

You've been great sports.
Thanks for playing our game.
Come back anytime.

Oh, very good.

Anytime you can humiliate
people who are weaker
or defenseless,

you should
certainly go for it.

All right,
she got the bit.

Shawn, what a mess.

Indeed. But now,
the school janitor

will have
something to do,

thus we have
ensured his job
for another day,

thereby help
the economy.

We are so
underappreciated.

Uh, sorry about
the mess here,
Mr. Janitor, sir...

Dad?

Mr. Hunter?

Chet Hunter, educational
custodial services.

Normal job
for normal people.

Dad?
Yeah.

Remember mom?
Yeah.

He better.

Now then, you got
your shoes, your pitons,
plenty of rope,

a complete grappling set,
and a full harness.

Now, you're
gonna need this.

And I must say,
you look just dazzling.

Actually, I'm not
so sure about this
rock climbing.

I mean, I prefer,
you know, an elevator.

Look, this ain't about
rock climbing.

This is about
your evolution
as a human being.

What's your name?
Edgar.

And you want to
be Edgar all your life?

You can get me
out of it?

Eric, he's gonna
k*ll that little man.

The guy came in
because he wanted
some boo-boo cream.

Ezekial sold him
$ worth of equipment.

Yes, but you see,
Son, if all our
customers are dead

from falling
off of mountains,

at some point,
business falls off, too.

My dad's the janitor.

Shawn, there is no
shame in your father
being a janitor.

My dad's the janitor.

You know, if that's what
you dwell on,
it's not gonna sound good.

But he could've
been anything.

I mean, God!
My dad has all these
wonderful dreams.

(BELL RINGING)

And why does he have
to be a janitor here?

Everybody needs a job.
People understand that.

Hey, Hunter.
I hear our dads have
a lot in common.

And you say that why?

My father's a doctor,
and your father's...

Oh, wait. He cleans
toilets. My mistake.

Well, that was very funny,
and if you keep it up,

I'm gonna punch
your head off.

And then your father's
gonna pick it up.

Hey, everything okay here?

'Cause if it is,
we're just gonna take
a little brief break

for your education, okay?

Great. Thanks.
This won't take long.

Okay, now last time,

we saw how H.G. Wells
paints a real bleak picture

of class differences
in the future.

Okay. Above the surface,
you have the Eloi
living the good life.

Below the surface,
living like animals,

you got the Morlocks
doing all the dirty work.

Speaking of your dad...

Speaking of head off.

Now I know
there are no pictures
in the book,

so I thought
we might take a look
at the film version

of The Time Machine
so for one time this year,

you'll know
what the heck
I'm talking about.

Here you go, Teach.
Thanks, Chet.

Hey, Shawn.

Was that nice
man your daddy?

Shut up, Crandall.

Ignore him.

Oops, look at
the mess I made.

Guess I better
go get your father
to clean it up.

Hey, Shawn's pappy.

Doug, why don't you
do me a favor first?

Sure, Hunter.
What can I do for you?

You can bleed.

Hey, hey, hey!
Knock it off,
both of you!

Knock it off!

Well, it's Mr. Hunter
in my office for
getting into a fight.

Let me show you
my big surprised face.

Come on, Mr. Feeny,
just punish me, and
let's get on with our lives.

This is my life,
Mr. Hunter,

asking you what you've done
and why you have done it.

It's nothing I did.

It's about you
hiring my father
to be the janitor.

(CHUCKLES)

My dad is picking
up garbage at my school.

How could you
do that to me,
Mr. Feeny?

Well, now, Shawn,
I never actually considered

that it would be
awkward having
your father work here.

Hey, how would you feel?

Well...

If your father working
here is disruptive
to your education,

I will certainly
have to reconsider
his employment.

You mean that?
You're on my side?

Frightening, isn't it?

However, rather than
take sides here,

I think the best course
would be to throw it to you.

What do you mean?

I mean you are my student,
and you have
a right to decide

whether you want
your father to work here
or not.

So it's up to me?

Yes, Mr. Hunter.
It's up to you.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

What are you doing?

Nothing. I just
want to make sure that
I don't make a mess.

Since when do you
care whether you make
a mess or not?

Oh, I don't. I don't.
I just think that
when you make a mess,

somebody's
gotta clean it up,

and I don't want
anybody to clean it up.

My dad's the janitor.

Why are you
always on that?

So the toilet overflows,
and Feeny asks the new
janitor if he can handle it.

Guy says,
"Hey, when I was
with the CIA,

"I mopped up after
the Sandinistas.

"I think I can
mop up this."

Janitors are so colorful.

Mr. Feeny.
Yeah?

I've thought it over.

Oh, well. That took
all of five minutes.

I'm glad you gave it
the time it deserved.

I think it'd be best
for everybody if
you just let my dad go.

Ah. Well, it is important
to look out for everybody.

So when are you
gonna let him go?

It might take a few days
to find a replacement.

I'll tell your father
about my decision
after that, all right?

Okay. Thanks, Mr. Feeny.

No trouble, Mr. Hunter.

Oh, man!
What pig ate here?

How'd I not see that?

You know, when you think
about it, Cor, I'm actually
doing my dad a favor.

He needs a job
where he can do
something important.

Yeah, I think I'm making
the right decision.

Do you know there are
no rock-climbing shoes
left in the stockroom?

You know why?

Ezekial sold 'em.
He sold every pair of 'em.

Yes, but he sold them
to people who had no
business buying them at all.

If we just get past that
little nagging moral issue

that all those people
are gonna die,

we could be very
successful, right, Dad?

Eric, I had
a dream last night.

Skinny little men
in brand-new
rock-climbing shoes,

falling off a mountain,
screaming at me,

"You sold me these,
you merchant of dea..."

Merchant of dea?

Death.
Oh.

Look, Dad, if we weren't,
you know, making stacks
and stacks of money

like we are, then, well,
dreams like that would really
bug us, wouldn't they?

Alan, Eric,

terrible news
from the hill country.

What, they found
the bodies?

My mama's took sick.

Powerful sick?

Indeed, Eric.

And she sent word that
she wants me to come
home and tend to her.

Wait a second.
You can't just leave.

We don't know
how to sell stuff.

Not to worry,
young Eric.

I'd never leave
you kind folks
in the lurch.

That's why
I got my brother's
youngster Lonnie

to come down here
and take my place.

And this Lonnie
has your same
mountain innocence

and savvy
sense of retail?

No. Dad, no. Let me
take this one, okay?

Now you lookee
here, Ezekial.

We hired you, okay?
We didn't hire Lonnie.

We don't know Lonnie.
We don't want Lonnie, okay?

Why don't you tell
Lonnie to go back where
Lonnie came from, huh?

Hi. I'm Lonnie.

Lonnie!

Hey, Dad, look who's here.
It's Lonnie!

(SIGHS)

So there's
this kid at school,

and his milk fell off his tray
and went all over the floor.

Well, in the broad
scheme of things,

you're gonna have
worse days, Son.

And then somebody came along
and cleaned up that milk.

And he did this
in front of all
your friends?

Yeah, right in
front of everybody.

I see. Well, did
he do a good job?

Did he leave
the floor clean
and lemony fresh?

Mom, Dad's a janitor.

He's a school janitor.
It's humiliating.

I'm sorry you feel
that way because I'm so
proud of him I could bust.

Mom, what's there
to be proud of?

Shawn, for years,
we have lived on
your father's stories,

and those stories just
used to make me angry

'cause none of
them were real,

but your story
about your father
being a janitor,

that's real.

And, yeah,
it makes me proud.

Well, hello there,
my little nuclear
family unit.

There's my wife
making supper.

There's my son
home from school.

The only thing missing
to complete this scene
of domestic regularity

is Dad's first paycheck.

Well, lookee here.
And I earned it.
I really did.

What the heck was that?

There's plenty more
where that came from

that you probably
won't recognize,
either, Mr. Paycheck.

Virna, not in front
of the boy.

With me chasing you
around the country
for a year,

I ain't really had
a chance to explain
to young Shawny there

the, well, you know,
the dirtiness of life.

I'm so proud
of you, Chet.

Thanks, Virna.
And I think I'm doin'
a good job, too,

'cause Mr. Feeny,
the principal,

wants to see me
in his office first thing
in the morning.

Hey, kind of like
father like son,
huh, Shawn?

What's the matter, boy?

Dad, are you okay
with this job?

I mean, it doesn't bother you
to be cleaning up
after other people?

Well, it ain't exactly
pearl-diving
in Portugal,

but, well, it has this
amazing benefits package.

(SCOFFS) What benefits
are there
to being a janitor?

Well, for one thing,
after being on the road a year
away from my son,

what better benefit
than a job that
lets me be near him?

Mr. Feeny.
Mr. Hunter.

At school, early.

Well, my life's
work is done.

Good-bye, everyone.

No, no, Mr. Feeny.
I'm here because...

Well, you haven't
talked to my dad yet,
have you?

No. We have
an appointment
in a few minutes.

Well, if it's
not too late,

listen, I'd like
to change my mind.

Oh, well, I don't
know about that.

I've already started
the process of searching
for a replacement.

Well, you have to
cancel it, okay?

Because you can't just
do that to a guy who's
finally found a steady job.

And my mom, who's been
waiting all this time

for him to be responsible,
came to the chair and
put her arm around him.

Mmm-hmm.

You have to cancel it.

Okey-dokey.

What, just like that?

I'm the principal, Mr. Hunter.

I wield great
and mysterious powers.

Besides that, I was never
going to fire your father
in the first place.

Why not?

Because this was never
about your father, Shawn.

This was always about you.

You're the kid.
You're in school.

It's always about you.

Well, what the heck was that?

I don't know. The man
just runs our lives.

All right, Shawn.

What was so important
that we had to be here
five minutes early?

Oh, I, uh, just wanted
you to drink this milk.

All right. I guess
I could always use
a little milk.

Oh, is this another one
of those delightful
little stunts?

Actually, Topanga,
I think you're gonna
like this one.

Shawn, look what
you just made me do.

Yeah. Sorry, man.

Hey, Hunter,

looks like we get
to start another day
with your dad.

Yep, looks like
we do, Doug.

Well, looks like
I'm needed here.

Hold it. Here, Dad.
Let me take care of that.

Uh, you don't have
to do that, Shawn.

I know I don't.
And I know
you don't, either.

Well, you know,
bow-hunting takes
a special kind of man.

A man who can
stand his ground

when a charging
grizzly bear's
comin' right at him.

I work for Merrill Lynch.

You'll be fine.

I must say, Ezekial,
I'm a little concerned

about your niece
working here.

I mean, she seems
like a sweet, nice girl,

but she is on
the attractive side

and could be a distraction
to a lot of young men,

like, oh, say,
my son!

Who has to work
with her every day.

Not to worry,
Mr. Matthews.

You see, Lonnetta
was raised with brothers,
male cousins,

and a whole pack
of bloodhound dogs.

Now, we brung her up
as girlie as we could,

but danged if she just
didn't turn out all boy.

(CLEARS THROAT) So, Lonnie,
apparently we're going
to be working together.

I think it'd be
in our best interest

if we took some time
to get to know each other.

Oh, you mean that, Eric?

I've never been more
serious about anything
in my entire life.

Oh, that's mighty
friendly of you.

Oh.
You like to go hunting?

Like to go fishing?
We can do some boxing.

Boxing. Ow.

Come on, Eric.
Let's see what you got.

No. That hurt. Hey!
What did I say?

Come on, Eric.
Don't hold back.

Not the face.

Come on!

Yeah. Her brothers is
real glad she found work.

(GRUNTS)