03x20 - The Masters

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Fresh Off the Boat". Aired February 2015 - February 2020.*
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"Fresh Off the Boat" is mostly told through the eyes of 11-year-old Eddie Huang, with the show initially set in 1995, when Eddie and his Taiwanese family move from Chinatown in Washington, D.C. to suburban Orlando, Florida to realize their 'American dream'. They discover things are very different from expected and hip-hop is used to help deal with the upheaval, struggle and culture clash.
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03x20 - The Masters

Post by bunniefuu »

Man: Tiger Woods continued to
overshadow the competition.


With his chip sh*t at the th hole.

[ Cheers and applause]
The Masters. Nice.

Tiger Woods is dominating
the field like a boss.

He's the freaking best.

Wow.

He'll be the youngest
player to ever win.

Exactly.

Which is why we can't let Mom find out.

What are you talking about?

Tiger Woods is half-Asian.

What?

He is?

I've never heard that before.

Yeah.

Nobody talks about it for some reason.

Wait, but why can't we let Mom find out?

"Why can't we"...

This guy wants to know

why we can't let Mom find out.

Psh.

You know how Mom gets

when she sees an Asian
person succeed publicly.

Remember Kristi Yamaguchi?

Or Michael Chang?

Or Connie Chung?

Tensions were high today

in Bos-nie-ah Herz-egg-gov-ven-govenah.

Jessica: Again.

By the time I could pronounce it,

the w*r was over.

Mom can't find out.

We have to keep this from her.

Agreed. Nobody talks.

I'm going over to Honey's.

Tiger Woods is half-Asian.

He's about to win the Masters.

What's this, now?

One of our own succeeding
in the public eye?

If you start punching yourself now,

it'll be easier for you when Mom leaves.

I'll take that into consideration.

S E The Masters

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Man:
Tensions were high as Tiger lined up

this historic final sh*t of the Masters.

[ Cheers and applause]

Those are Tiger's parents.

Tiger embraced his dad Earl,

who he credits as instrumental

in his quest to become a champion.

Imagine how proud his parents must be.

I know.

You know, in a way,

I feel like I could
have raised Tiger Woods.

Mm.

Because you see yourself
in his Asian mother.

No.

I see myself in Earl.

He drove his son hard,

and now Tiger is a champion.

That's good parenting.

Yeah, I see myself in him too.

Yeah, well...

Earl is a disciplinarian like me.

He pushed Tiger to greatness

the way I push our boys to be the best.

If anything, you're more like Kultida.

Who?

Exactly.

Tiger's mother. The forgotten one.

[Sighs]

Oh, no.

Now you want to talk
about what I just said.

No.

Hey, so, speaking of dishes,

when you say I'm like Kultida,

- what exactly do you mean?
- [Scoffs] I knew it.

Well, it's just we both do
our part to parent the boys.

Of course we do.

All I'm saying is

that in the same way Earl and I share

a strict and tough parenting philosophy,

you and Kultida are
more relaxed and lenient

and soft.

Well, I wouldn't say "soft."

But it's true.

Maybe I'm a little more permissive.

Right. You're Kultida.

She's got her big hat and sunglasses.

She's hanging back, passive,

quietly watching Earl run the show.

You know I can't pull of hats.

They make my face look small.

I'm more lenient than you
because I choose to be.

My dad was a tough man,

and I promised myself when I had kids,

I'd be different.

That's wonderful.

I can really see that.

All I mean is that

Earl and I do a lot of the heavy lifting

to push our children to succeed.

And sometimes, kids don't need that.

Sometimes,
they need their parents to step back

so they can find their
own interests and talents,

because that's also
important for success.

That's certainly a very
Kultida way of thinking.

Just because I parent differently

doesn't mean it's worse.

- I'm not saying it is.
- Really?

Because it feels like what you're saying

is that, as a parent,

you're hands on, effective,
doing everything,

and I'm hands off, in the background,

doing nothing but wearing a hat.

I wouldn't say you do nothing,

but that is a very good summary, Louis.

Well put.

Goodnight.

[Bell dings]

Reba: Good morning,
Abe Lincoln Middle Schoolers.


It's Reba with your daily announcements.

The new beams are up in the library.

And you may have noticed
the molding is in place.


Just waiting on the
guys to paint the trim.

That'll happen Thursday.

Also, lunch today is burger bar.

Bill: What are you talking about?

Look, man,
we can't have the same backpack.

But this is my backpack.

Fool, did you hear me?

Get a new b.p. or we fight.

Tiger Woods? That guy's dope.

He hit the green from
the tee on a par .

I bet he gets so many girls.

I love everything about Tiger.

Especially that he's an
African-American dude

dominating a sport full of white guys.

Tiger's also half-Asian.

What? No, he's not.

It'srue.

His mom is Thai.

That's the brim of her
sun hat in background.

None of us have ever heard that.

And we know everything about him.

I've seen Tiger's dad Earl,

and he's definitely African-American.

Right. And his mom is Thai.

Come on.

[Bell rings]

He's half-Asian.

Half-Asian?

Are we talking Keanu?

Hey.

I've been thinking
about our conversation.

Oh, boy.

And there's an easy way

to put our different
parenting styles to the test.

Let's make a friendly bet on
the golf course.

No, thank you.

- "Friendly" means "not for money."
- I'm listening.

You and I both have about
the same level of golf skill.

Well, passably competent.

We each take one of
the boys for two weeks

and help them learn golf.

Then the boys will play nine holes,

and whoever's player wins,
is the parenting champion.

[Scoffs] I'm going to win.

True greatness comes from the
Earl/Jessica parenting philosophy,

not from the Kultida/Louis one.

We'll see.

Just two rules.

We both have to use the
same golf instructor

so no one has the advantage,

and Emery is out.

Oh, of course. He's good at everything.

It wouldn't be fair.

Well, that leaves Eddie and Evan.

I'll take Evan. He's more moldable.

Great.

And I'll take Eddie, because he's...

well, he's the only kid left.

Well, this is exactly what
we didn't want to happen.

Thanks a lot, Evan.

I was mad at myself too,

but look at these clothes.

They're like my regular clothes

but with an athletic cut.

This is gonna be great, right, guys?

We'll work hard,
but we'll also have fun.

[Scoffs] Fun?

This isn't a cartoon, Louis.

We're not mermaids and reggae crabs

singing at the bottom of the sea.

Evan, this is your golf instructor,
Phil.

His name is actually Phillip,

but white ople love to
shorten their names.

Thank you, Jess.

Evan, this is your new instructor, Ted.

I chose him because his
name can't be shortened.

I once played a round with Jimmy Carter.

Hm.

He's gonna teach you the basics,

and then Mommy's gonna be
here to push him to push you.

Great. I'm ready to learn.

Okay, Evan.

Take this -iron.

And I want you to hit this ball.

I just want to get a
sense of where you're at.

True beginner. Got it.

Yes.

Ted, together, we are going to mold

this beginner lump of clay

into an excellent golfer.

♪ Yo-yo, yo, yo-yo ♪

♪ Yo-yo, yo, yo-yo ♪

[Rapping] ♪ When I
step up in the place ♪

[Alarm beeping] ♪ A-yo,
I step correct ♪

♪ Whoo-hah, whoo-hah ♪
♪ I got you all in check ♪

♪ I got that head nod, y'all ♪

♪ That make you break
your neck ♪ Again.

♪ Whoo-hah, whoo-hah ♪ Again.

♪ I got you all in check ♪

♪ And you know we come through
to wreck the discotheque ♪

♪ Whoo-hah, whoo-hah ♪
♪ I got you all in check ♪

♪ Throw your hands up in the air ♪

♪ Don't ever dis... ♪

[Sighs] I'm sorry, Mommy.

The clothes are for me,
but maybe golf isn't.

Nonsense. You just have to work harder.

Maybe you just need longer tees.
I'll go get them.

Oh, so you can eat a
Popsicle behind the pro shop?

No way.

I'll get them.

Mm-hmm.

[Chuckling]

- Louis?
- Oh, hey, Jessica.

You know,
I think I was too quick to dismiss hats.

I don't know if my face got bigger

or the hats got smaller,

but either way,

I'm wearing this bad
boy out of the store.

Okay. Where's Eddie?

Oh, we've been practicing his
fairway woods all morning,

so I gave him a break.

Oh, a break?

That's very Louis-Kultida.

No breaks for Evan.

[Snickers]

I see you've got the
extra-long tees there.

Well, I suppose to a tiny face,

all tees look extra long.

[Sighs]

Hi, do you have a minute
to talk about Tiger Woods?

Sorry, got to run.

Hey, do you have a minute to... no?

Excuse me, can I...

Principal Hunter,
can I talk to you about...

I already donated at work.

[Sighs] [Bell dings]

Reba: Good morning,
Abe Lincoln Middle Schoolers.


It's Reba with the daily announcements.

Library trim is painted... periwinkle.

Odd choice.

Lunch today is pepperoni pizza,

the best kind of pizza.

She's right. Pepperoni is the best.

- Hey, Reba.
- Reba: Hi, Emery.

How's Eddie?

Is he still with that girl...

Pretty, smells like strawberries?

Alison? Yeah.

It's been, like, a year. They seem good.

Whatever. What's up?

I was wondering if I
could us the P.A. system

to make an announcement.

Everyone is forced to listen to

your construction and
lunch updates every day.

So it might be a good way
to get my message out.

Forced to listen to me?

People love my construction updates.

- They're important.
- Totally.

My thing's important too.

It's about Tiger Woods.

The golfer?

Listen, bud.

You think I just let anyone say
whatever they want into the p.a.?

If you just listen to this Tiger thing.

Sorry, I loved to help you out
but I'm swamped.

I don't have time.

You don't quit, do you?

Fine.

[Sighs] Meet me in the newsroom.

We have a newsroom?

Classroom b.

We share it with yearbook.

Ugh.

Bring Eddie.

No, don't.

It's not worth it if
I can't focus on him.

Louis, I've been thinking.

I'm worried I have too big an advantage

in our bet.

How's that?

Well, not only do I have
the more teachable son,

I also have the superior
parenting philosophy,

so I was thinking that,
as a favor to you,

we could swap Eddie and Evan.

Sure, I'll swap.

I believe in my methods.
I can win with either son.

[Chuckles] I don't think so, Louis.

You just took the dud.

Earl has other kids who
aren't great golfers.

Sometimes, you get a dud.

I love my dud son, but he can't win.

I think I'll be fine.

Louis-Kultida know what they're doing,
after all.

Evan, you're golfing with Daddy now.

I'm training Eddie.

It's nothing personal.

I just need to win,

and I think he gives me the best chance.

I see.

Well, thank you for everything.

It's been wonderful working with you.

And I wish you the best of luck.

I'm gonna pray for seven
plagues to befall your house.

- What?
- Nothing.

Enjoy your time with
your first-born son.

I can't believe you're making
me do this before school.

This is way less fun than with Dad.

He always lets me get Cinnabon.

Yes, I noticed the frosting
on the club handles.

Oh, hey, Eddie.

Where's your dad?

No Cinnabon?

I am molding Eddie now.

He's less obedient than Evan,
so we get to be tougher.

♪ Yo-yo, yo, yo-yo ♪

♪ Yo-yo, yo, yo-yo ♪

[Rapping] ♪ When I
step up in the place ♪

[Alarm beeping] ♪ A-yo,
I step correct ♪

♪ Whoo-hah, whoo-hah ♪
♪ I got you all in check ♪

♪ I got that head nod,
y'all that make you break your neck ♪

♪ Whoo-hah, whoo-hah ♪
♪ I got you all in check ♪

♪ And you know we come through
to wreck the discotheque ♪

♪ Whoo-hah, whoo-hah ♪
♪ I got you all in check ♪

[Grunts] ♪ Throw your
hands up in the air ♪

♪ Don't ever disrespect ♪

♪ Whoo-hah, whoo-hah ♪
♪ I got you all in check ♪

♪ Busta Rhymes,
up in the place, true, indeed ♪

♪ Yes, I catch wreck,
and that's word... ♪

[Thuds]

He's getting worse.

I can't swing because my arms are sore

from all those extra
weights you made me lift.

I told you, you can't follow an arm day

with an arm day.

Welcome back, Phil.

Thank you, Jessica.

What's all this?


We went to putt-putt earlier,

and Evan loved it so much,

he wanted to keep
playing when we got home,

so I set this up.

He's pretty good.

[Chuckling]

Remember me?

We hadn't gotten to putting yet.

We're feeling good about
the showdown tomorrow.

I nicknamed Evan "The Little Kitchen"

because he always sinks it.

[Crow caws]

I don't understand.

Am I the ineffective parent?

_

_

Hey.

I brought tissues to dry your tears,

'cause you're gonna lose.

You're a better parent than me.

Oh.

You're really upset about this.

I ruined two kids in two weeks.

I thought my pushing brought
out the best in them,

but I've been holding them back.

I failed and you've succeeded.

[Sighs] Jessica.

Parenting isn't all or nothing.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

We share equal roles.

The boys are who they are
because of the both of us.

No.

If our bet proves anything,

it's that your parenting
philosophy works

and mine doesn't.

Who cares about the bet?

It was just supposed to be for fun.

You know what?

The bet is off.

I'd rather we just
have a nice family day

at the club tomorrow.

We'll all play nine holes.

- We won't even keep score.
- Fine.

But you still win.

There's no winner in parenting.

But if you see a gold wrestling belt

in our closet

that says "Parent-mania Champion,"

just know I had it made
before this conversation.

[Bell ringing]

Mr. Dekro and Ms. Summers
are having an affair?

This isn't news, Cory.

This is the worst-kept
secret in Orlando.

Find something else.

Hey, Reba. Thanks for meeting me.

- I only need five minutes.
- You got two.

So, I recently learned

- that Tiger Woods is part Asian.
- No way.

If that was true,

people would be talking about it.

Well, people aren't.

That's why I have to.

I pulled a few articles

where they only refer to Tiger as

an African-American golfer.

Nice file folder.

Mead Five-Star in teal...

Solid choice.

Anyway, after Tiger got his green jacket

for winning the Masters,

even his dad Earl said,

"Green and black go well together."

No mention of his Asian half.

It's almost like him being Asian

makes the story less
meaningful for some reason.

I'm not trying to take anything away

from Tiger's African-American side,

but I just want kids to
know about his Asian side.

Tiger's a superstar.

And we should get to
take pride in it too.

[Whispering] It's not opening tomorrow.

It's not opening tomorrow?

But the reno's completed.

They painted the trim.

Sorry, I need to get into
this library debacle ASAP.

Just take a look when you can.

Oh, he's good again.

Must be that Cinnabon you
gave him this morning.

Actually, 'bon's wearing off.

I could go for a little something else.

I saw the clubhouse
had Mexican egg rolls.

Don't ask me.

Whatever your father says.

I have no opinion.

I hate seeing you like this, Mommy,

but it is a testament
to the power of prayer.

Louis: You know what?

I'm excited to try a Mexican egg roll.

I'll go get us...
one to split four ways?

No, let's just get a platter.

[Laughs]

I don't know about you guys,

but I can get into bummed-out Mom.

[Sighs]

It can't be.

Kultida Woods?

Do I know you?

No, but I know you.

I can't believe you're here.

It must be fate.

I like to come to this
club when I'm in this area.

Best Cobb salad in Florida.

Can I ask you something?

Oh, my friend make them.

You cannot buy them.

No, your hat is beautiful,
but it's not about that.

What is the secret to Earl's success?

What do you mean?

My husband and I had a bet,

and I pushed my sons the
way Earl pushed Tiger,

but the harder I drove them,
the worse they got.

My husband took a softer approach,

like you do,

and he was more effective.

I do not take soft approach.

A mother begins her child's life

when she pushes them into the world,

and she never stops.

Two-minute labors, all three of them...

That's how hard I push.

They need that to succeed.

Discipline does not always
have immediate results.

Sometimes, it even look like failing,

but it lay a strong foundation.

Without that, the house would crumble.

That's how you built the house of Tiger.

So, how come Earl gets all the credit?

Some work is behind the scenes.

You cannot watch your child shine

when the spotlight is in your eye.

So, I was right about my
parenting style all along.

The only thing I was wrong about

was being the Earl,

when I am the Kultida.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey. Where's the platter at?

No platter. Back to hole one.

We're doing it again.

But we just played nine holes with Dad.

He knows how to have fun
and still helps us be good.

That's true,

but you're also good because of me,

which is why we're doing it again.

And this time, we are keeping score,

because life keeps score.

You heard your mom. Get back out there.

[Sighs]

Hey, what happened on your
way to get that platter?

I saw a hat.

So did I.

I actually love this.

You look like Andy García.

Oh.

Who was that you were
talking to earlier?

Oh, another lady mistook
me for Kultida Woods.

Happens every time I
come to a golf course.

Moms are all over me.

Oh, Norma,
why don't you just tell them the truth?

Eh.

It's easier just to play along.

And you know?

I think I really help them.

Earl Woods.

It's fate.

It got to stop coming here.

Reba wants you to meet
her in the AV room, now.

Reba: I looked at your file.

This is big.

Tiger Woods is half-Asian.

Yes,
that's literally what I've been saying.

I decided to give you the P.A. mic.

We're gonna blow this thing wide open.

But listen, when I hit that button,

they can't un-hear any of it.

Yeah, okay.

That's the point.

I want them to hear this.

I mean,
you're talking about bringing down

the greatest golfer in the world.

We're not talking about
bringing him down.

We're just saying he's half-Asian.

It's time.

Good morning, this is Emery Huang.

And I'd like to talk to
you about Tiger Woods,

a great golfer we all admire.

We all know about his dad, Earl,

but I want to tell you all
about his mom, Kultida,

who is from Thailand.

Historic.

This is not to take away from
Tiger's African-American side,


but to paint a complete picture

so all Asian kids out there
can see themselves in him...


All: Fight, fight, fight!
...and make his success their own.

I told you to get a new backpack.

This is my backpack!

I got it for my birthday!

[Both scream] [Bell dings]
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