03x21 - Pie vs. Cake

[bunniefuu]

Now, you always have the option
to save your allowance for...

- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Dad.

What's in there?

Oh, just some items I'm returning.

Watch your mommy turn your
father's -year-old socks

into cold, hard cash.

There's no way they're
gonna take those back.

One has button eyes from when
Emery turned it into a puppet.

Mom's the queen of returns.
Watch the master at work.

He's saying, "You need a receipt."

And Mommy's going,
"Are you saying I didn't buy them here?

Are you calling me a liar?"

And he goes, "No.

I guess I can give you store credit."

Then she's all, "Store credit?

Mommy don't play that.
Mommy plays for cash."

Oh.

♪ Ba ba-der-baaaa ♪

Victory!

And that's not even the best part.

Whoa. You had a receipt the whole time?

Why didn't you use it?

I like to challenge myself.

Binder it, baby.

Oh, look!

That page is from when we
did three returns in one day.

Remember, Louis?

That was when you gained
all that water weight.

Oh.

That was muscle.

S E Pie vs. Cake

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[School bell rings]

Private-school kids.

What are they doing here?
They're gonna get jumped.

They go to school here.
That's our debate team.

Debate team?

It's kind of like a sports team,
but instead of balls...

they throw formal
arguments at each other.

Oh. Is there any physical contact?

Nope.

It's mostly reading and research.

Oh!

I mean, it's really just
a ton of extra homework.

Ooh!

Well, if you're into it,

they're having tryouts later this week.

How did I not see that poster before?

We see what we want to see.

Huh.

Oh, Peggy...

Don't worry, son.

You'll score a basket on me someday.

Did you have to yell "Not in my house"

every time you blocked a sh*t?

Well,
if you keep bringing me weak sauce,

I'm gonna keep rejecting it.

[Scoffs]

What's this noise?

I'm entering a contest.

You create your own comic,

and if the publisher likes it,
they'll print it,

and they'll give it away for free

a comic-book stores nationwide.

I heard "give it away," "free,"

and then I stopped listening.

Well, I think it's awesome.

I'm gonna go get my colored pencils.

Enjoy working for free.

The substitute PE teacher?

We're not currently on speaking terms.

Is he?

He is.

Garfield's wearing a Rolex.

Grandma Huang: Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Your piano-man scarf.

You found it.

Yeah, it was in

the hurricane emergency kit

in the garage for some reason.

♪ I haven't worn it ♪

♪ For the longest time ♪

[Imitates notes]

[Chuckles]

Here you go.

Oh, good!

I get a chance to use my
new mail-sorting system.

Mommy, I'd like to try out

for the school debate team.

Absolutely not.

It'll take time away
from your schoolwork,

they'll charge us for
additional supplies,

and I'm not driving all over town

to take you to debate tournaments.

Or...

it'll look good on your transcript,

it's bonus studying,

and it'll be a chance to
practice public-speaking skills

for when you become doctor-president.

- Mommy... did you...
- Yes.

I debated myself.

Who do you think won?

- Uh...
- You did.

Because you're joining the debate team.

[Gasps] You tricked me, and I love it.

Hey, can you hand me that pencil?

Man, we work together really well.

Building on that,

I was thinking about
your comic-book contest.

Why don't we team up, do it together?

You know I'd love a sibling team-up.

It'd be like my favorite TV show,

"Sister, Sister,"

except brothers.

♪ Brother, brother ♪

But wait.

I thought you said comic
books were a waste of time.

That was hours ago.

I've changed so much since then.

Come on. You draw it, I'll write it.

Together,
we could create something amazing

and possibly make millions.

Hmm.

In conclusion,

nobody says "a candy bar a
day keeps the doctor away."

Therefore, we need apples in
the school vending machines.

Thank you.

Much better.

Nice opening joke, good posture,

and I like how you took
away the possibility

of any poison-apple arguments.

Right.

Because Snow White lived...

And I quote... "happily ever after."

You're ready for tryouts.

[Gasps] One more tip...

When debating a real person,

use their own words against them.

It traps them in a prison
of their own design.

"Own design."

Thanks, Mommy.

Mm-hmm.

Evan, what did you do to my Lowenwasser?

I needed a crest.

Oh.

Well, after a few of these,
I'll forget you ever did it.

Mom, you said me and Emery

couldn't read our comic
books at the table,

but Evan gets to read his debate book?

Evan is reading an actual book.

You were reading a
finished coloring book.

Ah,
so he gets a pass 'cause he's a nerd.

Got it.

In formal debate,
slander is not permitted

and must be stricken from the record.

Luckily, this is not a formal debate,

and you are a butt face.

What do you all want for dessert?

Hector just made a pineapple
right-side-up cake.

He's afraid to flip it.

We'll just take the usual...

One slice of key-lime
pie and five spoons.

Although,
pineapple cake does sound good.

[Chuckles softly]

[Inhales sharply] No.

Pie is superior because it is
filled with nutritious fruit.

It is the healthiest dessert.

In fact,

pie is so good,
dessert couldn't contain it.

It burst out into chicken-pot,
mincemeat.

It is the food of shepherds,
mathematicians...

Pi... Infinite possibilities.

[Light applause]

[Chuckles]

But cake is good...

We'll have that piece of...

And here are the reasons why.

Cake represents joy...

Birthdays, graduations, retirements.

No one's ever heard of a wedding pie.

Every important milestone in your life,
cake was there.

Cake watched you grow up.

And sure,

some may say pie burst out,

but I say pie is confused.

It doesn't know what it wants to be.

Is it savory? Is it sweet?

Shepherd's pie has lamb in it.

Do they seem like good shepherds to you?

So, really, when you think about it,

pie is m*rder.

If you choose life, choose cake.

Let us eat cake!

So, then I said,

"When you think about it, pie is m*rder.

If you choose life, choose cake."

[Chuckles] I did get political.

Thank you, Zack.

Anyway, the place went crazy.

I learned from the
best. Now I'm the best.

[Telephone base clicks]

Let's take a drive.

What do you think?

This is Nice Man.

He uses the power of
overwhelming positivity

to diffuse negative situations.

I don't know if he's gonna go
with the words I've written.

"Yo mama" jokes?
How is that a super power?

My guy's an orphan,
so he can tell "yo mama" jokes,

but no one can say them back to him.

Okay.

How about another character?

The Empathizer.

Her power is the superhuman ability

to see things from other
people's point of view.

Oh, dope.

So she can see people's thoughts

and use those thoughts to destroy them.

No.

She's not the violent type,

but she could understand
why someone else might be.

[Sighs]

I think you and I need
to get on the same page.

Why don't we each, separately,

come up with ideas
for the comic book?

There's bound to be one we both like.

I hear where you're coming from!

That's The Empathizer's catchphrase.

Not into it? Okay.

ideas. Got it.

Mommy,
are you really returning our phone?

You bought the five years
ago at a Radio Shack in D.C.

Watch the queen conquer.

Oh, no.

I need to return this phone.

I don't believe we sell this phone.

Oh, good, 'cause I'm not
asking you to sell it to me.

I'm asking you to take it back.

I'm sorry. I can't. There are limits.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you owned this store.

- I don't.
- Oh.

So, then,
who are you to change the rules?

Is Mr. Save-More here?

Does he know that customers

are no longer your first priority?

Ma'am...

you know I love our
weekly sparring sessions.

This is my job as much as
it is my gym some days.

But do you know how
it would make me look

to take back a phone that
you didn't even buy here?

I'm sorry, but my final answer is "no."

Do what you will.

[Gasps] Evan: Beep. Beep.

Beep-beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep-beep.

Bee-beep.

Beep. Beep-beep.

Morse code.

That's how we used to communicate.

But now... we use the telephone.

It's what connects us.

That's why it's vital

to have one that you're happy with.

I'm sorry, sir,
but you're gonna have to wait.

I'm with someone.

I'll be honest with you, Roger.

You're right.

We didn't buy the phone at this store.

But that shouldn't matter.

Let me ask you something.

Do you have a mother?

I do.

Well, then, imagine your mother

taking time out of her busy day

to come down here, looking for help,

only to have someone embarrass her

in front of you, her son.

Oh, no.

Do the right thing, Roger,

not for the store,
but for mothers everywhere.

They're not perfect...

but they're ours.

Okay.

I'm gonna take the phone back...

and use it to call my mother.

Chapter ... "Emotional Manipulation."

Binder it, Mommy.

[Mechanical whirring]

What's going on?

I thought we were supposed to
be working on our ideas.

I am.

Watching Trent play "Turok"
is part of my process.

Right, Trent?

Yeah, he's been, uh...

[Buttons clicking]

[Sighs]

[Scribbling aggressively]

Here, what do you think of this?

Lazy Boy uses the
power of flimsy excuses

to deflect responsibility and hard work.

Looks kind of rushed.

Lazy Boy is you!

You wanted to team up,

but you don't want to
do any of the work.

I thought we were
doing this as brothers.

You've spent more time with Trent

than you have with me.

Whoa!

Don't bring me into...

[Grunting]

You wanted me to do all the work,

which, come to think of it,

is just like an episode of "Sister,
Sister" I saw.

But it was my least... favorite.

I'm going back to doing my own comic.

Have fun with your game.

Fine! I can trace my own comic book!

It's not that hard.

The words are the best good anyway!

Man, your brother is really...

[Grunting]

Louis: Jessica?

Why are all the lights off?

Because Evan wanted them off,
and who am I to argue?

Are you okay?

Look at this.

This is Evan's binder of returns.

He made it.

He wants me to hold it for him.

He's better than me at arguing.

It's his kingdom now.

The queen is dead.

[Strained] Long live the prince.

Okay.

Even if that's true,

is it really so bad?

We want our kids to be better than us,
don't we?

Of course, eventually.

But not today!

How would you feel if Eddie
b*at you at basketball?

Well, I'd be sad.

Ooh!

That's game, Pops! - , me.

How's that goose egg taste?

I'd be sad because I'd be dead.

[Chuckles] That's not happening.

I have nothing left to teach Evan.

He doesn't need me anymore.

[Sighs]

Uh...

why are the lights on?

Hi. I'm Louis Huang.

What are you doing?

I just wanted to introduce myself,

since I have no idea
who you are right now.

Is this some weird bedroom game?
Because I am not in the mood.

And if I was...

you would be dressed quite differently.

The Jessica I know fights
for what she wants.

Show Evan he still needs you,
that he has a lot left to learn.

Remind him he still needs you.

- Stop it.
- Fine.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Well, what do you want you to do?

[Sighs]

I...want... to...

challenge him to another argument

and destroy him.

Oh, th-that's not exactly
what I was thinking.

Ah, who cares if he's my baby?

I need to be ruthless, like you!

Like, what is it you always say to Eddie

when you're playing basketball?

"No sauce in our home!"

[Claps]

Grandma!

Come here for a sec!

What do you think about this?

Garfield?

It's not Garfield.

It's Spaghetti Dog.

Instead of a cat that likes lasagna,

it's a dog that likes spaghetti!

This is way harder than I thought.

[Sighs]

Hello, Evan.

As you can see,

there are two root
vegetables in front of me.

Which one is better?

Let's argue. You go first.

The debate teacher won't
let me on the team.

History is littered
with great debates...

Lincoln versus Douglas,

Nixon versus JFK...

How 'bout mother versus fool?

[Chuckles] I'm sorry?

Why won't you let my
son on your debate team?

I've seen him b*at the best.

You can't tell me he's not good enough.

Actually, Evan is good enough.

Uh, he's just too young.

Debate team's only for th graders.

- Why?
- Those are just the rules.

You're the debate teacher.
Defend your rule.

[Chuckling] Well, it's not my rule.

It's the school's rule.

Oh, so you don't care
about these kids at all?

You just do what your boss tells you to?

Is that why you got into debate,
to lie down?

You should work in a mattress store.

[Laughter]

[Laughs] Okay, okay.

She is... She is using humor to
expose a flaw in my argument.

Textbook marginalization.
Write that down.

I would encourage you
to think for yourself,

the way you encourage your
class to think for themselves.

Being young isn't a negative.

It's a positive.

Okay, class,
this is her thesis statement.

Let's see how she supports it.

[Regal music plays] Think of
other brilliant young prodigies

througut history...

Mozart, Joan of Arc, Doogie Howser.

What if someone had told
them that they were too young

to practice their extraordinary gift?

Little girl...

what if someone had prevented you

from following your dream?

Am I supposed to answer?

I think you just did.

The passion of children
inspires us all to be better.

It's what breathes life into society.

Instead of standing in the way of that,

we should embrace it,

nurture it,

follow it.

As Ms. Whitney Houston said,
and I quote,

"I believe the children are our future.

Teach them well

and let them lead the way."

[Mr. O'Connor laughs]

You're amazing, Evan's mom!

What's this?

An apology, from Lazy Boy to Nice Man.

I'm sorry I didn't do any work.

Give me another chance.

Let me make it up to you.

"Brother, Brother" for real this time.

Well, Nice Man's motto is,

"Everyone deserves a second chance."

That's why villains always
take advantage of him.

All right.

There's still a day before the deadline.

I think we can still
come up with a superhero

that no one's ever seen before.

Let's do this.

[Door opens]

I'm on the debate team!

Mommy did it! [Door closes]

You should have seen it.

The teacher was like, "He's too young."

But Mommy was like,

"Young talent is good for society."

And the teacher was all, "Ah!
You convinced me!"

Guess he does still need you.

Mommy was using debate tricks
there's not even names for.

Then the class asked if
she could be our teacher,

and she said, "I hate teachers."

Everyone loved her.

She was like a superhero.

Oh, my God, Eddie.

The perfect superheroes
are right in front of us.

Oh, damn.

Here is your debate team exemption form,

signed by your teacher.

I'll put it in your binder.

No.

It belongs in yours.

Here you go.

Waste of time.

This is junk.

Let's see this now.

Oh!

By the golden hammer of Thor!

Look at this!

Wow.

[Scissors snipping]

[Sipping through straw]

[Tires screech]

[Bell tolling]

Oh, boy!

This is what I've been looking for!