03x23 - This Isn't Us

[bunniefuu]

Last time on "Fresh Off the Boat"...

- I go to St. Orlando's Prep.
- Private school.

Can I please go to St.
Orlando's next year, Mommy?

Michael Bolton offered
me a partnership deal

for the restaurant, and I
think we should take it.

I want to own our house, and
this deal will let us do that.

You're right, but we're
not buying this house.

You wanna buy this house?

With one stipulation.

You get our son into St. Orlando's.

- What's going on?
- We're moving.

You're throwing all your stuff away?

Nah, man. This is my luggage.

We're only moving across town.

It's crazy that you're gonna be going

to a different high school next year.

It's no big deal.

We'll still hang out all the time.

Me and Alison are all good.

Plus, we got the whole summer to chill.

The new house has a hot tub.

It'll be just like MTV's Beach House.

But with no Bill Bellamy.

Now you feel me.

Why are you guys moving, anyway?

So someone can go to private school.

I can't wait to introduce
you to my khakis.

We'll have to divide these

since we're getting our own rooms.

How 'bout you take the herbivores

and I'll take the carnivores?

Or we divide them by
geologic time period.

Dibs on Jurassic!

Dammit. Yeah.

Aww, the boys' height chart.
Look how much they've grown.

I am not losing one nickel
of our security deposit.

And quit stopping to reminisce.

You only took two days off
of work for this move,

and you spent the whole
morning packing your pants.

Every pair tells a story.

I was wearing my white Wranglers

the day I hung up the pantry shelves.

Hard to believe that was
only three years ago.

We're moving on up, Louis,
like "The Jeffersons."

You know, I've always fancied
myself a Taiwanese Weezy.

You always have.

I guess it's just hard
to leave this place.

Hmm. It's for the best.

Before you know it, the new house
will feel the same as the old one.

[Echoing] Very cozy.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Mm, impressive new yard.

Squirrels look like they're
better behaved here.

They make less eye contact,
which I appreciate.

Check it out! We've got
double Pop Tart ovens!

More like double waste of electricity.

- Evan: Hello.
- [Gasps]

No, Ma. It's the intercom system.

Right, boys?

Welcome to the Huangs' new house.

- May I take your order?
- Brenda, can you see

if they can push that
meeting from : to : ?

I'm playing drive-thru.

Oh, I'm playing assistant.

Brenda, hold my calls.

Hold all the calls, Brenda.
Intercom's closed.

It wastes electricity. If you
need to communicate, yell.

Better, pass notes under the
door like they do in prison.

Cheap and quiet.

Aren't you being a little extreme?

These things don't cost that much.

You think I'm being extreme?

♪

It's easy to look at this place
and think we're rich now,

like that half-naked
Scottish duck you boys love.

But the truth is,

poverty is right outside
those double French doors.

Listen.

I don't hear anything.

Exactly, because poverty
moves in silence.

We used up all our savings
to buy this place,

and now we can't afford to live in it.

You've heard the term "house poor"?

Well, that's what we are now.

So no intercoms, no double ovens,

no heating the hot tub.

I thought we were in
good financial shape.

Michael Bolton just became a
partner in the restaurant.

If that's not the definition of
"stable," I don't know what is.

[Laughing]

I've run the numbers, Louis.

And the books don't lie.

Between the high mortgage,
higher bills, insurance,

and taxes, we're barely scraping by.

In fact, we are this close

to becoming my worst
nightmare... being homeless.

What are you doing?

Saving money on dry cleaning

and making my blazer smell like London.

I know you're excited
about private school,

but I hope being around
all those rich kids

doesn't change you.

What do you mean?

Like how Chris O'Donnell
went to private school

in "Scent of a Woman" and
almost lost his integrity.

[As Frank Slade] Hoo-ahhh!

[As Frank Slade] Hahh!

You don't need to worry.
This blazer won't change me.

I may look larger than life, but
I'm still a little boy's .

Hey, look... made in China.

Kind of like our family.

Hope it didn't come from a sweatshop.

I've been reading about child labor

after the whole Kathy Lee
Gifford controversy.

You should have the school
look into it, just to be sure.

I don't know.

Evan, there could be
kids stuck in a factory

working hours a day on these.

I'm talking about kids our age.

What if Cousin Hennessy
was forced to make this?

Fine, but Cousin Hennessy would
never be hired in a sweatshop.

Have you seen his craftsmanship?

Disaster.

Sorry we can't afford
to heat the hot tub.

We're house poor.

That's the whole reason we
came all the way over here.

I had to take two buses in flip-flops.

A lady sat on half of
my towel for blocks.

Our last summer together
is blowing hard.

It's not our last summer!

So, I'm going to a different school.

It doesn't mean we stop being a crew.

Which is why we should all
get matching tattoos.

Seriously?

When you're in a crew,
you're in a crew for life.

So you're saying we should
get each other's faces

tattooed across our backs.

Or, just like something else.

How 'bout a pizza?

We each get a slice on our bodies,

and when we're together
we form a whole pie.

A crew pie!

Daddies, lock up your daughters.

Brian's getting inked.

Thank you for removing the light
bulbs from the hallway, Marvin.

We need to save money any way we can.

Well, there's an old joke
about how many dentists

does it take to screw in a light bulb,

but it's not for the ladies.

This place is amazing, Jessica.

- Yeah.
- But we miss you.

Everyone in the neighborhood does.

Really? Even Deidre?

She held a moment of silence
at our last HOA meeting.

[Stomach rumbling]

I'm sorry.

It happens whenever I have NutraSweet.

It's probably just trapped gas.

Will you tell Carol-Joan that?

From me?

Of course.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
see if I can return

these light bulbs at the grocery store.

I'll take you.

We'll take my car so you
can save gas money.

[Laughing] It's always so nice

when I don't have to ask the
thing that I wanted to ask.

We'll be back in a few hours.

Bye.

[Laughing]

Whoa!

A hot tub?

Oh, Louis, you dirty mutt!

- You've been holding out on me.
- [Laughing]

Hey, what say we fire this cauldron up

and make ourselves a
little cannibal stew, huh?

I'd love to, but it's off limits.

We can't afford to heat it up.

You can't afford not to.

Come on, enjoy this thing before
you go back to work tomorrow.

Jessica will never know.

When she does the books,
she'll see the gas bill.

Well, think of other
ways to make up for it.

Take cold showers for a week.

The heating bill is the same,

and your chest hair will be amazing.

Who cares about a lousy light bulb?

How do you unscrew a dental hygienist?

[Laughing]

Hey, four out of five
patients find that hilarious.

[Both laughing]

[Both laughing]

I have to admit, these
heated floors are amazing.

Yeah.

And an economical way to
dry your trunks, huh?

Turn!

[Door opens, closes]

Jessica!

We lost track of time!

Hey! [Chuckles nervously]
How was the store?

Good! They let me return
three light bulbs.

Louis, you used the hot tub?

What? Why would you think I...

Louis, I told you...

Heating the hot tub
costs too much money.

Oh, hey.

I was just... wanted to make sure

you had enough insulation
up in your attic.

You do.

It's time for us to go.

[Laughing]

Ain't my first rodeo.

[Boys laughing]

Hey. Sorry, I didn't realize
how far away my new house is.

I had to ride through neighborhoods

I've never even seen.

Did you know we had a Little Peru?

Man, you missed so much.

I mean, Walter belched the alphabet,

Brian went on a run
about Trent's sisters,

Trent blew a gasket.

Aw, man!

Hey, so should we talk pizza tats?

Like, where on the body to get them?

I say ankle...

edgy but not trashy.

No, bicep all day.
That way when we flex,

our slices can dance to the music.

I say we go neck.

- Ouch!
- No way!

I want an office job someday.

How 'bout our elbows?

That way if we all throw in,
it'll make a whole pie.

This many limbs pressed together

reminds me of Trent's
sister on prom night.

Okay, Brian.

Here we go!

Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.

Thanks for meeting with
us, Headmaster Royce.

This is Emery,

my public-school brother.

I thought you had two brothers.

[Laughing]

You... you're such a funny man.

Two brothers.

Well, what can I do for you?

We're worried that the school blazers

were made in China using child labor.

It has intricate basting
stitches along the welt pocket.

You'll only get that level of detail

using expensive machinery
or tiny fingers.

This is a very serious claim.

I'll check into it right away.

I'm glad you boys brought it up.

Well, the school motto is "Vox
Clamantis in Veritate"...

a voice crying for the truth.

♪ We face the dawn ♪

♪ with brave full hearts ♪

We stand and face east
for the alma mater.

♪ Boys once more and men we'll be ♪

♪ And girls as well since ' ♪

♪ St. Orlando's, proud and free ♪

Hey, hey, boss. How's the new house?

Far. I miss my old commute.

Did you know there's a Little Peru?

[Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed
to Live Without You" plays]

What's all this?

Merchandise.

♪ How am I supposed to
live without you? ♪

Mr. Bolton thinks it's gonna
generate more revenue.

Check it out.

Now I look like how I feel.

[Laughs]

♪ How am I... ♪

Louis: Michael Bolton's
Cattleman's Ranch?

He changed the name? I've
only been out two days!

- Hey, Louis.
- Michael.

I didn't see you come in.

I was in the back counting cutlery.

Hmm. I'm a little confused.

I thought you wanted to
be a silent partner.

I did, until I thought
about Kenny Rogers

sitting on all that chicken money.

Then I decided to get my hands dirty.

You do know I wrote a bunch
of his songs, right?

I just wish you would've
run this past me first.

This is a lot of change.

Oh, it is. It really is.

But then again, so is this.

It's your cut of the merchandising.

♪ Tell me ♪

♪ How am I supposed to mow without you ♪

♪ Now that I've been
mowing you, my lawn ♪

Louis!

You got a moped?

[Engine turns off]
It's a riding mower.

The yard at the old house
would've been too small for one,

but here we get to have some fun.

I tried mowing you a "J."

It's not great.

We can't afford to have fun!

Yes, we can.

Michael Bolton gave me a big
check for merchandising profits.

We're not house poor anymore.
We're house comfortable.

No, that doesn't change anything.

What? It was a huge check.

I pretended it was too heavy
to get out of my pocket

at the bank, and they
thought I had a g*n.

I already factored it in
when I ran the numbers.

How? I only just found out myself.

It's all in the books.

Really? Well, can I see these books?

They b*rned.

- What?
- In the fire.

What?

It was a small fire in the file cabinet.

I put it out before it
reached Evan's report cards.

We also lost your white jeans.

There was a fire.

- Mm-hmm.
- In the file cabinet.

A small one.

Okay, fine!

We're not house poor.

- I lied.
- Why would you say

we're in financial
trouble when we're not?

Because I wanted us to buy this house,

but I don't want us to enjoy it.

I don't understand.

Why don't you want us
to enjoy our new house?

I'm not comfortable
being this comfortable.

What's wrong with comfortable?

We used to sell furniture
with that exact slogan.

If we get too comfortable,

then we'll be satisfied
with what we have.

And then we won't keep
pushing to be better.

Better than what?

And why do we always have to push?

Because pushing is what got us here.

And now that we're here,

what's the point of all the
hard work if we can't enjoy it?

So, that's it?

We're done?

We've achieved the dream?

Now we just sit around sipping Mai Tais

and playing Scrabble while
I watch you get old?

I'm not saying we're done.

I'm just saying that if we
don't enjoy what we have,

then we don't have anything.

I don't even know how to enjoy it.

Struggling is all I've ever known.

Well, just loosen your grip a little.

You more than anyone deserves to
enjoy the fruits of our labor.

So, if there really wasn't a fire...

The white jeans are gone, Louis.

Let them go.

I can't wait to see what Mr.
Royce found out

about the blazer scandal.

We really shouldn't bother him.

I'm sure he'll call us
when he learns something.

Well, hello, boys.

Anybody wanna earn $ caddying?

You're going out to play golf?

What about the blazers?

The blazers?

The child labor? In China?

Yes, I haven't gotten
around to that yet.

It's my vacation.

But you said you'd look
into it right away.

Yes, first thing, when
the new semester starts.

See that, Emery? First thing.

[Sighs]

Look.

It's not your fault.

Those who can't wear the blazer

will always try to tear it off you.

The truth is, these public school kids,

they're worse than us...

reeking of school lunches
and two-in-one shampoos.

The other day, I saw
one getting on a bus

in flip-flops and a towel.

I'm sorry your brother dragged
you into this nonsense.

Let me tell you something
about my brother.

He's the best person I know.

If he's concerned about these
blazers, then so am I.

You gave us your word
you'd do something.

Last I checked, St. Orlando
is the patron saint

of salves and tinctures,
not of casual promises.

Hoo-ahh!

I know you're new to private school,

but you don't tell the
headmaster how to do his job.

And you're new to brave little boys,

because I would be ashamed
to attend a school

that ignores the possibility
of sweatshop labor.

Well put, sir.

Best of luck next year.

What?

No young man should be forced to
attend a school he doesn't respect.

I'm revoking your admission.

Think of us every time you face east.

Sorry I'm late, guys. Biking is hard.

So, I went to the library

and printed these out
for our pizza tattoos.

We gotta chose our style,
toppings, crust...

Yeah, actually, I don't
think we're gonna do that.

We can't just leave it
up to the tattoo guy.

No, he means we're not getting tattoos.

I want Judaism to remain an option.

You guys just decided this without me?

We talked about it, and
you weren't here, so.

I'm here now!

Dude, take it easy.

We didn't do your idea.
It's no big deal.

It is to me! I thought getting a tattoo

would be a cool way not
to forget each other,

but clearly it's already happened.

You know what?

You guys probably aren't
going to be popular anyways.

Honestly, even if we did go
to the same high school,

I'd ditch you so fast.

You can't do anything fast except eat.

You know what? We're done.

Good luck with high school, losers.

Oh, and, Dave?

Mail me back my Tecmo Bowl.

Yeah, I'll mail it back to you.

In pieces, you whiny dookie-head!

♪ Tell me, how am I supposed
to live without you? ♪

[Reverse alarm beeping]

♪ Now that I've been
loving you so long? ♪

I'm sorry you lost your spot at St.
Orlando's.

What am I gonna tell Mom?

We're not gonna let
them get away with it.

We'll take a picture of
that tag and go wide.

Once it gets out that St. Orlando's

is covering up a child labor scandal,

all hell will break loose.

Oh.

Wisconsin?

Oops.

You made me sacrifice my spot
in school for Wisconsin?

Anyone could've made the same mistake.

You saw the welt pocket.

Wisconsin!

I'm gonna k*ll you!

This heated floor is nice.

[Sighs] It's like lying
on a stack of pancakes.

Comfortable, right?

Hmm.

Your middle child has
something to share with you.

Evan lost his spot at St. Orlando's

because I encouraged him to fight

a fictional human rights injustice.

You lost your spot?

It was his fault.

It was. I'm sorry.

I know that's the whole
reason we moved here.

Well, if that school doesn't
want you, they're idiots.

So, you're not mad?

We'll make our own private school.

And you'll do better than any
of those St. Orlando's kids.

We'll up your C.L.C.,
hire you a private tutor,

have Grandma make you a blazer.

We're gonna be okay.

Group hug! Everything turned out fine!

Nobody's angry at anybody!

Don't even, Wisconsin.

[Sighs] You know what this means?

Now we can go home.

What?

You wanna go back to our old house?

I miss it.

I miss Honey and the old neighborhood.

It was better there.

I didn't have to try to enjoy it.

I just did.

This house isn't us.

I miss it, too.

But we can't go back.

We already made the down payment.

We're stuck here.

Are we?

Or did you forget that you're
married to a real-estate pimp?

You want to return the house?

[Laughs] Sorry, we
already closed the deal.

Well, that's true,

but you never disclosed
that this house is haunted.

My family hears voices in the walls.

Um...

Houses perceived to be haunted

constitute a "phenomena stigma."

Failing to disclose a
stigmatized property

allows me to rescind the sale.

It's a thing. Look it up.

[Sighs]

I hate real estate.

We'll be out by Friday.

[Chuckles]

Attention, everyone. Pack your bags.

We're moving on back.

[Sighs]

Feels good to be back in
the old neighborhood.

Close to work, where I can
keep an eye on Bolton.

He wants to put a veggie
burger on the menu.

Only one Bolton story a day, remember?

Sorry.

Evan, you need to talk
to me at some point.

We're gonna be sharing a room again.

I'll talk to you.

About how you're gonna get
me back into St. Orlando's.

Because I am going to that school!

I'm going to the same high
school as my friends,

and they're not my friends anymore.

I messed up.

All right, everybody. We're home!

See, boys? This is why you
never throw out a key.

[Keys jingling]

[Sighs]

Who are you?

Well, I'm Adam.

My family and I just rented this house.

What?

Who are you?

Oh, wait. Did you see our flyer?

Did you find our cat?

Kids, get in here! They found Mr.
S'mores!

Jessica: Oh, my God.

My worst nightmare has come true.

We're homeless.

Uh, okay.

Well, if you're gonna stay,

can you take your shoes off?