01x02 - Meet Mift

[bunniefuu]

DUNCAN: "It's laughter we're after"?

That's the best college boy could come up with?

No, no, no.

I can do better.

Okay.

Okay.

How about, "Making kids laugh is the contractual responsibility of our staff"?

Ah?

(CHUCKLES)

I got a better one for ya, four eyes.

How about this?

"Laughter lights up your life like an oxyacetylene blowtorch with a multi-flame tip".

Ow!

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Mom, you didn't need to drive me.

I could've just walked.

I wanted to make sure your second day started better than your first.

I know, I get it.

- It's okay.

Stop it.

- Just hold on a second.

Here we go.

- Stop!

Mom...

- That's my little baby behemoth.

I've got a plan.

I'm taking a comedy class on my lunch breaks, and I'm gonna get on that Laugh Floor.

This whole crazy MIFT thing is just a temporary nightmare.

Okay?

The Monsters Inc.

Facilities Team?

They can't possibly be as weird as you said they were.

- Mom, I...

- FRITZ: MIFTer!

MIFTer!

What's that I hear?

Oh, it's the call of the fledgling MIFTer.

- Oh, boy.

- VAL: What's up, MIFToid?

MIFTonian.

MIFTied.

MIFTerone.

- Yeah, we get it.

- And who is this lovely lady?

Okay.

Thank you.

That's enough.

We get it.

You didn't tell me you had a sister.

It's my mom.

- Enchanté, Tylor's very sister-like Mom.

- (MILLIE GIGGLES)

Mama Tuskmon?

So nice to meet you.

I'm Val, Tylor's old college buddy and new BFF.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- This is Val.

This is Fritz.

- Enchanté.

Everyone's met.

We're good.

And you know what?

Why don't I just see you guys inside?

Oh, you bet you're gonna see us inside.

Why are you blinking?

That was a wink because of the subtext of what comes next inside.

Wink-wink.

(FRITZ AND VAL GIGGLING)

MIFTer!

MIFTer!

Okay, I'll admit it.

They're weird.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, guys, that thing out front just now with the winking and the blinking, bird calls, the super weird vibe with my mom...

(STUTTERS)

Hello?

Hello?

Anybody?

(GROWLS)

FRITZ: MIFTer!

MIFTer!

MIFTer!

MIFTer!

(CHUCKLES)

Hello?

(DOOR CLOSES)

FRITZ: ♪ Young neophyte Handy of duct tape ♪ ♪ Swift of repair I welcome you to MIFT ♪

Yes, MIFT.

Since the day Monsters Incorporated was founded, there was a need, a need for monsters behind the monsters.

The unsung heroes.

ALL: M-I-F-T.

If a part breaks, we fix it.

If a machine needs maintenance, we maintain it.

This elite squad of polished professionals, each of them an expert in their fields.

They are the girdles...

- "Girdles"?

- Girders.

- Griddles...

- "Griddles"?

... upon which the factory stands.

And it's a very big factory.

Sorry, I'm not sure I...

But before we proceed, a few last words from our initiate.

Oh, oh.

This is an initiation ceremony.

Hey, guys, this is all just temporary.

So...

- So you're leaving?

- Leaving in a cardboard tube, most likely.

Just like Rodney after that hydraulic press incident.

Flat Rodney.

- VAL: Coming through!

- FRITZ: Behold, you will now signify your readiness for everlasting membership.

- "Everlasting"?

- VAL: Yeah!

Your first sacred tool.

(TOOL WHIRRING)

Ah, that's where I left it.

- Tylor, I beseech you, wrench the nut.

- Uh...

- Wrench the nut.

- ALL: Wrench the nut.

What kind of nut are we talking about?

'Cause I have an allergy.

- FRITZ: Wrench the nut.

- I don't...

No, no nuts.

I don't want...

I want nothing to do with this nut.

ALL: Wrench the nut.

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

If it'll make you stop chanting,

(SIGHS)

I'll wrench the nut.

- ALL: Wrench the nut.

- TYLOR: Okay.

ALL: Wrench the nut.

Wrench the nut.

- Uh...

- FRITZ: Wrench...

CUTTER: Uh-oh.

(NUT CLATTERS)

Good enough.

You have now endured the ordeal of the nut, and you will cross over into MIFThood.

- I don't wanna cross anything.

- Young tenderfoot, cross through the door of eternal membership.

"Eternal".

No, that sounds long.

Guided by the candle of infinite commitment and be cleansed

- by the flames of no return!

- "Flames"?

I love this part!

(EXHALES)

We used to use real flames.

Until Carl took a misstep to the right.

Lit up like the sun.

Catastrophic, yet beautiful.

This is crazy, okay?

Your ceremony is crazy.

As long as we're throwing out crazy ideas, I got one for you guys.

I'm gonna leave.

You're on your way to a lifelong membership in MIFT.

- No!

No!

No!

- FRITZ: Do not feel unworthy!

Cross through the door!

- ALL: Cross through the door!

- I don't wanna do this.

No, no.

No "door".

No "cross".

No!

No "eternal".

Cross over and become...

One of us!

FRITZ: Oh, another power outage.

And just when it was getting good.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

This keeps happening.

That's the second power outage today, Sulley.

All the jokesters we have are working multiple shifts.

(YELPS AND GRUNTS)

You got this, Phlegm!

Thanks, Celia.

(GROANS)

(BELL DINGS)

Another Laugh Canister filled.

(SIGHS)

Have a seat.

How you doing, champ?

Rinse!

Swish!

I tell ya, you're a comedy t*nk.

Comedy t*nk!

When it comes to humor, you throw no punch lines, Mr. Wazowski.

Spit!

You throw no punch lines!

Now let's get you out there for the next round.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

You've been at this hours straight.

- You need to take a break.

- Ah!

"A break"?

Sulley, I am personally powering Monstropolis.

Look.

First place, second place... fourth place?

Uh, that Lanky and his spinning bowtie.

We'll see who gets the last laugh, Lanky.

Mike, you need to relax.

Let the others handle it for a while.

I'm fine.

I gotta keep the kids laughing.

I got a gift, Sulley.

You do not hide a gift like mine from my tiny, adoring friends.

(SNORING)

If you're gonna keep the kids laughing, we'd better get you some coffee.

Okay.

Creamer, sugar.

Sugars.

Creamers, stir sticks.

No stir sticks.

Where is it?

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

There you go.

That'll help.

(GULPS)

Yeah, that's horrible.

(SMACKS LIPS AND GROANS)

Tastes like someone's finger.

Uh.

That's weird.

Well, thanks, Sulley.

- ROZE: Wazowski!

- (GASPS)

Better not fall asleep in your comedy class.

That's right.

I'm teaching comedy class at lunch.

Mike, you can't keep going like this.

Actually, he can, Mr. Sullivan, with a little something called / Hour Energy drink.

Yeah.

Me and Needleman drink two of those when we run out of our Hour Energy drink.

It's twice as good as the / Hour Energy drink.

Yeah?

I don't know.

Thirty-six-and-a-half hours sounds like a lot of energy for such a little...

Hmm.

(SMACKS LIPS)

Wow.

And now, the moment you've been waiting for.

- Haven't been waiting.

- Tylor, this is your desk.

- Lucky.

- Isn't this your break table?

- This table...

- Which is everybody's table.

... will double as your very own desk.

And what desk wouldn't be complete

- without your very own nameplate?

- Yes!

- You get...

- Complimentary Drooler Cooler.

Real drool in every drop.

- "I gift MIFT" coffee mug.

- VAL: That used to be mine.

- A picture of yourself.

- And me.

Where did... is this from a security camera?

- And last but not least...

- VAL: Not least.

... your ceremonial sacred wrench engraved...

- I engraved it myself.

- ... with the name of our newest member.

- Welcome, Tylor!

- One of us!

I mean, you really shouldn't have gone to all this trouble.

I am not going to be here that long.

Oh.

I like the sound of that.

- Do you like it, Roto?

- (GROWLS)

Roto doesn't trust it.

Therefore, I don't trust it.

- (GROWLS)

- Oh.

Oh.

Uh...

Is he even allowed to have pets at work?

"Pet"?

He's my emotional support animal.

Aren't you, Roto?

(KISSES)

It's a medical condition.

Now, you wait here, Tylor, 'cause we have one more surprise.

- You're gonna love it.

- CUTTER: L-U-C-K-Y.

Uh-huh.

Meanwhile, I'll get ol' young Tylor here set up with some simple canister refurbishments.

All right, pretty boy.

Here's a type A- series B canister.

The screen valve's about to experience a catastrophic failure in seconds.

- Here's the manual.

Go.

- (STUTTERS)

Okay...

Fifteen seconds!

"Flow valve, F- ".

No, no.

Forget it.

- Five seconds!

- There's gotta...

No.

No, no, no.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh!

Get down!

Get down!

Well, time for lunch.

(DUNCAN WHISTLES)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Fritz sure will be disappointed.

You really messed that up.

(CHUCKLES)

You know what?

I'll tell you what's messed up.

You trying to k*ll me, okay?

You guys are the ones who are messed up.

I'm going to comedy class.

Crazy MIFTers.

MIFTonians.

MIFTies.

MIFTamacallits.

MIFTouts.

Uh...

Push?

(PANTING)

MIFTfits.

- Piñata time, piñata time, olé!

- Piñata time, piñata time, olé!

- Hey.

- What happened?

Duncan, what did you do?

(SPUTTERS)

Whoa.

Don't listen to him, okay?

He's exaggerating.

I didn't try to k*ll him.

The rookie couldn't change a simple valve.

Where did he go?

I don't know.

He said something about a comedy class.

- I don't keep his schedule.

- Comedy class?

He didn't say anything about a comedy class.

I don't understand.

I tried so hard to make him feel welcome here.

I gave him a desk, a nameplate, and look, he never even drank his Drooler Cooler.

Sad sigh.

Welcome.

Welcome one and all to Mike's very first class on comedy.

I'm Mike.

Hello.

It's my class, a class on comedy.

Now before we get started, I'd like to say a few words about me and my personal comedy journey.

I was born in a tiny hamlet...

I have got to get onto that Laugh Floor.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, can't happen soon enough.

Tell me about it.

They stuck me down with the MIFT lunatics.

Huh.

Brutal.

Yeah.

"Monsters, Inc.

Facilities Team".

(SCOFFS)

I've yet to see them fix anything.

I'm surprised this place is even still standing.

Sooner I get away from those guys, the better.

Tylor.

Tylor.

- Tylor!

Hey!

- No.

Stop it!

Ty-Ty!

Hi!

What are you all doing here?

- You forgot your Drooler Cooler.

- And us.

So, I insisted we all bring it to you.

Aren't we lucky?

Ah!

More students.

Hello!

Take a seat.

Hey, thanks!

So, when you say "take a seat", does that mean I have to return it?

Ha!

You see what I did there?

My first joke.

Wow.

Mr. W, the class really works.

Don't quit your day job.

Today, we'll be chatting about my Ten Rules of Comedy.

Ready?

Here we go.

"Punch line does not mean actually punching somebody".

I joined the improv group at MU, Monsters of Comedy.

- You were in it, right?

- Nope.

I remember they did this thing called, "Yes, and..." where you always have to say, "Yes, and..."

Like the time they asked if I give them bucks and I said, "Yes, and..."

"Hundred bucks?" "Yes, and..." "Two hundred bucks?" "Yes, and..."

- It was a very expensive class.

- MIKE: That's it for me.

Got through that much quicker than I thought I would.

Now, here's Ms.

Flint to share some comedy data.

Back to the Laugh Floor.

"Comedy theory.

It's no laughing matter".

Another power outage?

Don't you worry, schmoopsie-poo.

Your little power ball of comedy is back.

(BREATHING RAPIDLY)

Perfect timing, Fungus.

With these power outages, I don't think it's safe to go in.

Out of my way.

I've still got and three-quarter hours left on my energy drink.

- I don't think you should go in!

- I'm going in!

(EXCLAIMS)

Reset, reset, reset!

Oh, that's not working.

(MACHINE BEEPING)

(SHUDDERS)

We've got a - .

A - !

- Googly bear's trapped!

- (SNAKES SCREAMS)

MISS FLINT: Comedy is not just about laughter.

It's also about rules, categories, and acronyms.

Any questions?

(SPUTTERS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh.

- Interesting insight.

- (ALARM BLARING)

CELIA: (OVER PA)

Attention, please.

We have a - .

I need MIFT to report to Laugh Floor F-station-five.

- .

A monster is trapped.

- Duncan, grab Cutter.

- Got it.

- Val, gear up!

- Gearing up.

- Tylor, you're with us.

Come on!

- Me?

Yeah, there's nothing...

Tylor, you are with us.

Come on!

MISS FLINT: Actually, Banana Bread, is it?

(SPUTTERS)

- Could you stay behind for a moment?

- (ALARM BLARING)

(TYLOR EXCLAIMING)

- Who's trapped?

- It's Mike!

Come on, let's go.

We need to get power to this control panel.

- Val, generator.

- Look out!

Coming through!

- Duncan, we need cable, stat.

- Yes, sir.

- FRITZ: Cutter, bypass control.

- You got it.

VAL: We got power!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(BEEPS)

DUNCAN: Back in business!

(SIGHS)

I spent my whole life trying to get my foot in the door.

Then I couldn't even get it...

(SCREAMS)

Mike!

The control panel's fried.

Cutter, open the pit.

CUTTER: Way ahead of you!

Open in three, two, one.

- Duncan.

Eyes down below.

- Yep!

(GRUNTING)

Backup system's shorted out.

(YELPING)

Don't worry, googly bear, we're getting you down.

Switch to manual override.

- MIKE: Schmoopsie-poo!

- (DUNCAN GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

- CELIA: Oh.

Mike...

- SULLEY: Googly bear...

Duncan, reverse the conveyor track.

Reverse!

Yes, sir.

(GRUNTING)

It's rusted in place!

I can't turn it.

Duncan's arms are way too scrawny and far too weak.

- DUNCAN: I heard that.

- Val?

Sorry, these puppies aren't long enough.

Oh, dear.

Of course.

Tylor.

Me?

No, no, no.

Get in there, champ, and wrench that nut.

Come on, big guy.

Wrench the nut.

Wrench the nut!

Wrench the nut.

- Wrench the nut.

- Wrench the nut.

Wrench the nut.

Wrench the nut.

Wrench the nut.

Wrench the nut.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(TYLOR EXHALES)

MIKE: Whoo-hoo!

Ready.

Now!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Another Laugh Canister...

(MACHINE DINGS)

... filled.

(SNORING)

Only took him two hours to burn through all thirty-six-and-a-half hours of energy.

Oh, let's just let him sleep.

Great job, MIFT.

And thank you, Tylor.

No, no.

It was a team effort, really.

Really.

Well, they couldn't have done it without you.

You did it!

You wrenched the heck out of that nut.

You finished your first job as a MIFTer.

- Yeah!

- This calls for a celebration!

- First round of Drooler Coolers on me!

- VAL: Oh, yeah.

- (EXCLAIMS)

- CUTTER: There you go.

You know what, guys?

The second round's on...

Banana Bread?

(SPUTTERS)

Hey, Double B.

Come celebrate with your buddily bud-buds.

I'm afraid there won't be time for that.

Winchester here is needed on the Laugh Floor.

Whoa.

Your name is Winchester?

Wait.

What?

Laugh Floor?

I was intrigued by Winchester's nuanced insight on comic theory.

So, on that hunch, I ran some tests and, well, turns out, he's hilarious.

- (SPUTTERS)

- (LAUGHS)

Stop, stop!

(LAUGHS)

Seriously, save it for the kids.

Oh.

My stomach hurts from laughing.

Way to go, Banana Bread.

Yep.

There goes my free baked goods.

You think you know a guy, other than, of course, his real name.

But I guess for some people...

(SNIFFLES)

MIFT just isn't special enough.

But now, we've got Tylor.

Swift with the wrench I welcome you to your new desk Temporary new desk.

Not planning on staying.

Good ol' Double T.

I still have the piñata!

Piñata time!

Ooh.

I'll take that action.

I'd like to bash the head first, sir, if I may.

FRITZ: Piñata time!

VAL: Piñata time!

Yep.

Weird.

Piñata time!

FRITZ: Piñata time!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

While becoming a jokester has the reward of making kids laugh, you'll have to be careful.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Otis, if you will.

(PLAYS PIANO)

♪ Comedy can be dangerous, my friends I'll tell you why ♪ ♪ When kids laugh and giggle they could split a gut ♪ ♪ With a chortle, they could cr*ck up so beware, there is the chance ♪ ♪ You could make a kid laugh so hard that they'd pee their pants ♪ ♪ Fall out of bed, and hit their head while rolling on the floor ♪ ♪ Their bodies shake, their sides will ache ♪ ♪ They'll laugh until they're sore ♪ ♪ There's a funny bone, a danger zone that someplace no one knows ♪ ♪ If you hit that zone, hold the phone ♪ ♪ 'Cause milk sh**t out their nose ♪

(ALL CHUCKLING)

♪ Kids' bodyparts are fragile so be careful not to scoff ♪ ♪ Your funny joke can actually make their heads and butts fall off ♪ ♪ Jokes and gags hit 'em hard with punch lines, so I've read ♪ ♪ You could leave a kid in stitches or even knock 'em dead ♪

- Knock-knock.

- Who's there?

- Police.

- Police, who?

Police end this song.

(PIANO PLAYS)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

VAL: Whoo-hoo!

You watched all the credits.

That makes you a true MIFTer!

FRITZ: MIFTer!