04x01 - B as in Best Friends

[bunniefuu]

So, you guys moved out of this house

and now you want to move back in?

[Clears throat] Allow me to explain...

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Before you do... Um, how are the scones?

- They're okay.
- Yeah, they taste pretty good.

Good.
Okay, go ahead, tell me your story.

Well,
to secure me a spot at St. Orlando's...

Mommy moved us out of this house

and into a bigger house that we bought

using the money that my dad made

selling part of his
restaurant to Michael Bolton.

But when that house was too fancy,

and Emery got my admission
to St. Orlando's revoked,

we decided to move back
here to our old house.

Good luck with high school, losers!

Also Eddie was rude to his friends

so now he doesn't have any friends.

So anyway,
that's why we need you to move out.

What do you need, , minutes?

You know what?
I've signed a lease here, so...

My hands are kinda tied.

Maybe you guys could move into a hotel

until you find a new place.

Welcome to Hotel Honey! [Laughs softly]

Are you sure it's okay to stay here?

There's so many of us.

Are you kidding? Stay as long you like.

My home is your home.

[Hair dryer blowing]

Mr. Huang's been blow-drying
his hair for minutes!

You're a man!
You always look exactly the same!

["Wheel of Fortune" playing]

Good morning!

Hey, I didn't know you had
the Game Show Channel...

It's "Cincinnati," you idiot!

Wow, you all really made
yourselves at home...

overnight.

[Grunts] You have
really strong doorjambs.

Thank you.

Don't buy a vowel Come on!

You're out of cereal.

S E
B as in Best Friends

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Thou damned whale.

[Chuckles]

St. Orlando's might have
taken away my admission,

but they can't take away
their summer reading list.

If you want to read
something a little more fun,

we have plenty of Nicole's
old books on the shelf.

I'm sorry, where are your books?

Behind this trash?

[Scoffs] "Logan Like Mary Anne."

So?

[Book thuds]

Louis: Honey! Good news.

We just got off the phone
with our old landlord, Murray,

and he says he's open to
selling us our house back.

Ohh... So soon?
Aww, boo, but you just got here.

I'm going over there later
today to do a walk-through.

Do you want to join me?

You could hold my purse
while I negotiate.

Absolutely. Anything to help.

Well,
if it isn't Emery "The Tool Man" Huang.

[As Tim Allen] Ho-ho-ho-ho!

[Both chuckle] That's good.

I'm building a new birdhouse
for Marvin and Honey.

You know, your old man knows
his way around a lathe.

I once flirted with the idea
of going into construction,

had a name picked out and everything...

Huang Construction.

Do you want to help?

It'd be fun to work on it together!

[Pager beeping] Oh.

Hm. I wish I could,
but I got to go to work.

Duty calls.

Oh. Okay.

No problem. Have fun.

Oh! Hey, Nicole.

Um... I like your towel.

Thanks.
It's, uh, Pumbaa from "The Lion King."

Uhh...

Well, I should go get ready.

Um, I'm driving some of
my friends to the mall

to go see that movie "Contact."

- You have a car?
- Yep.

My dad got me a Saturn for
not getting held back again.

It's a "you're progressing

at the pace you should be moving at"
present.

You set the bar low, dope.

My boo Alison's at band camp all summer,
on that wowind tip.

So I guess I'll just hang with
the fellas, see what's good.

[Metal dragging]

Hey, guys, what's up?
You guys catch the "ER" finale?

Uh... What are you doing?

What do you mean?

You called us losers, remember?

You're still mad about that?

That was weeks ago.

Can you fools believe Dr.
Ross kissed Nurse Hathaway?

Twist!

To be fair,
their chemistry's been steadily building

since season one...

Brian.

You know what, fine.

I don't need you guys.

The "ER" finale made me cry.

[Indistinct conversations]

He knows!

Who knows? About what?

Kenny Rogers knows about our success.

I sent him a summer update...

on company letterhead.

"My new business venture is going great.

Yeah, we're successful, all right.

So successful that I'm sure

we'll expand Michael
Bolton's Cattleman's Ranch

both domestically and abroad.

Who knows,
maybe we'll even put one on the moon.

Ha ha. Your friend, Michael Bolton."

[Yells]

I'm so baaaaaaaad!

Right. Um, I should get to work.

No, you should take some time off,

spend some time with your family.

Ah, that's very nice, Michael,

but I couldn't do that to you.

Nonsense. We're partners.

When Grammy season rolls around,
I'll rely on you.

Until then...

[Singing] Lean on me!

[Applause]

Heh. Are you sure?

Go. I'll take care of things here...

[Southern accent] partner.

And finally, here's the kitchen.

Which of course you already know
'cause you used to live here!

- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry about this.

I know you just moved in.

Oh, that's okay.

This kind of thing
happens to me constantly.

Wherever I hang my hat,
somebody takes away the hook.

Did you just come up with that?

Well, I used to design mugs.

Oh.

Okay, if that's everything,

I'll start drawing up the paperwork.

Jessica: Not so fast.

Loose knob!
When were you going to tell me?

Um, also the dishwasher doesn't work.

I think somebody disconnected it.

Slumlord!

I'm afraid there's just
too much undisclosed damage

for me to move forward
at the current price.

But your family caused the damage.

Here come the mind games.

Well, how do you know

that it wasn't this blonde
nightmare right here?

Oh, hey, that reminds me...

I saved your mail for you.

Oh, thank you.

Teen girl: [Ethereal] Eeevan...

Teen girl ♪ : Evaaan.

Teen girl: Read us, Evan.

We're light and fun.

[Teen girls giggling]

Read us.

You know you want to.

I just don't understand why you
would sabotage your own sale.

Relax. Acting disinterested
was just a tactic.

He's gonna sleep on it tonight,

and then he'll come back
with a lower offer to...

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna be on "Wheel of Fortune"!

[Inhales sharply]

[Both scream]

[Screaming]

[Inhales sharply] What on Earth...

Mommy applied to be on
"Wheel of Fortune"

as soon as she became a U.S. citizen.

She started watching when
she was pregnant with Eddie.

That's why all our names start with "E."

It's her favorite vowel.

I was a contestant on "Studs" once.

"'Wheel of Fortune' is coming
to Orlando, Jessica Huang.

We invite you and your best friend

to compete on our annual
'Best Friends Week.'"

Honey,
will you be my best-friends partner?

Sure, it sounds fun.

But back to the house thing.

If you're gonna make that
counter-offer tomorrow...

They'll be plenty of time for that after
"Wheel."

Right now, we need to practice.

[Exhales sharply]

Are those all your board games?

Yes!

Where'd my wedding dress go?

I rolled it up and I put
it inside the Monopoly.

Your veil is inside the
Hungry Hungry Hippo.

[Slurps]

[Tires screech]

Hey! You want a ride home?

[Music playing on radio] So, my friends
met some boys and ditched the movie.

Apparently guys are more important

than watching Jodie Foster go to space.

Uh-huh.

Are you excited to start high school?

I guess. [Music stops]

Okay, spill it.

You've said two words
since you've got in.

What's up?

It's nothing. Forget it.

Hey, whatever it is, you can trust me.

What we talk about in the Saturn,
stays in the Saturn.

See? Safe space.

My friends aren't my friends anymore,

and my girlfriend's gone
for the whole summer,

and who knows what it's
gonna be like between us

when she gets back.

Now I have nobody,

and I'm scared I'll have
to start high school alone.

Maybe this is just the start
of something new for you.

The hardest thing about
figuring out who you really are

is letting go of who you used to be,
you know?

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

[Laughs softly]

It's cool to talk to
somebody who understands.

- Kinda like the...
- [Internally] Oh, my God.

Did Nicole just put her
hand on my shoulder?

She did! Is is still there?

Don't look, fool!

Can we hang out again and talk,
just the two of us?

W-We can go to The Spicy Gecko.

They don't charge for chips.

Did Nicole just ask me out?

But I have a girlfriend.

I mean, I like Alison,
but Nicole's my first crush...

[Horn honks]

Pull! In!!

I think you guys are
gonna love your new house.

Even you, Jeremy. [Jeremy chirps]

Hey, Dad,
what are you doing home so early?

I'm taking a few days off.

Thought we could build
that birdhouse together.

Huang Construction...

and Son.

That'd be awesome! I could use the help.

[Pager beeping]

It's okay if you need to take it.

I know you're busy.

I am busy...

Building a birdhouse with my son.

[Both chuckle]

_

I'll solve. "Birthday cake."

[Sighs]

Honey, get your head in the game!

What if they bring back

returning best-friends champions,
Don and Lisa?

What then?

[Gasps]

What a crazy tree.

Okay, reset. We'll go again.

Jessica, we have done nothing
but practice for an entire week.

I'm exhausted. And my house is...

Are you wearing my shirt?

Yes. Your laundry's backed up.

You know,
it is very hard sharing a space

with a whole other family.

Yeah, speaking of that,

where are you on the counter-offer?

I mean, no rush.

I love having you here,
but have you heard from Murray at all?

Yes. I put in the offer two
days ago and he accepted.

Because, like I said, he is weak.

So we're going to go over
the contract this afternoon,

and we should be out of here very soon.

Ahh... Uhh... Nooooo.

Not... not too soon, I hope.

Okay,
let's go over the "Wheel" plan again...

Never buy a vowel,
because they're a waste of money.

If one of us wants to solve,

squeeze the other
person's arm three times

and then sound it out.

Sound it out.

Because when I hear you talking,

it might spark something for me.

- Keep up the chatter...
- How about we take the night off?

I haven't seen Marvin all week

and I would love some private time,
just me and him.

Private time?

She can't wait until after "Wheel"

to have dinner with her husband?

Well, not everybody has your work ethic.

Speaking of, Emery and I

bought all the lumber for the birdhouse.

- Construction starts tomorrow.
- Uh-huh.

I don't know where Honey's head
is at but it's not on the wheel.

Yesterday,
she tried to buy a number, Louis.

A number.

I just hope she gets
her head in the game.

Good night.

More wine, sweet pea?

The wheel looks so much
smaller in real life.

Are you trembling?

That's what happens when
you touch your dreams.

Thanks for bringing me.

I'm gonna miss you when you move out.

Oh, I didn't tell you?
That's not happening anymore.

Murray wouldn't agree to repaint,
so I withdrew my offer.

I told him
"I have all the time in the world."

We could just stay with you
for as long as it takes.

[Bell rings]

[With audience] "Wheel...
of... Fortune!"

[Cheers and applause]

[Screams]

Yes!

- An "N."
- Yes, three N's.

- [Screams]
- There you go.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, no...

[Exhales sharply]

I thought it was going
to land on Bankrupt,

but it landed on the one after Bankrupt!

[Exhales sharply]

Dentist... dent... wash...

"Denzel Washington D.C."!

You got it! That's it!

[Screams]

Okay, let's uh,
find out a little bit more

about our contestants.

Jessica,
it says here you're a horror novelists

and a real-estate mogul.

I don't know which one
of those is scarier.

[Laughter] Pat!

And, uh, Honey is your best friend

and your business partner.

Honey, what's it like working
with your best friend?

Awful, Pat. [Laughter]

Well, working with friends can be hard.

Especially when they start
stealing your yogurts

from the work fridge.

[Gritting teeth]
If I see an unmarked Yoplait,

I'm eating it!

Let's move on to round two.

Hey, Dave.

You can't be here, Eddie.
We're not friends anymore.

I know, but I need some advice,
and I have nowhere else to turn.

What do you do if two girls like you?

I don't understand the question.

I mean,
what do you do if you have a girlfriend,

but then this other
girl who's really cool

asks you to go eat chips
at the Spicy Gecko?

The Spicy Gecko?

That's the darkest Mexican
restaurant in town.

The only reason anyone goes there

is to have complete privacy.

What do I do?

[Snaps fingers]

You should send yourself flowers.

How does that help?

I don't know.

But my mom does it a lot.

Louis:
and if we put the wishing well here,

that frees up room for...

- The hedge maze!
- I knew you'd get it.

All that's left now is to break ground.

You ready, son?

Is "The Secret World of Alex Mack"

the best show on television?

It is. I'm ready, Dad.

[Chuckles]

♪ Don't sweat the technique ♪

♪ Let's trace the hits
and check the file ♪

♪ Let see who bit to
detect the style ♪

♪ I flip the script so
they can't get foul ♪

♪ At least not now,
it'll take a while ♪

♪ I change the pace
to complete the b*at ♪

♪ Cause when I speak,
they freak to sweat the technique ♪

[Birdhouse creaking]

[Ominous music plays] It looks...

less welcoming than in the drawing.

Why is it making that
weird creaking sound?

[Creaking continues]

Oh, it's, uh,
probably just the floorboards settling.

Heh. That's... normal.

[Door bell rings eerily] Oh, uh, neat.

You didn't tell me you
put in a door bell.

[Hushed voice] I didn't.

[Chips crunching]

Good free chips.

Yeah. Crunchy.

I'm glad we're doing this.

Right. Me too.

There's something I want to tell you,

but I don't want to make
things weird between us,

because I feel so
comfortable around you and...

Nicole. I think you're awesome.

Any guy would be lucky to
have you as his girlfriend.

But I already have one...

Alison, and she's great.

I'm sorry, but my answer is no.

I think I might like girls.

[Chip crunches]

I'm sorry if I made things weird.

I've never told anybody that before.

And it feels really
strange saying it out loud.

Uh-huh. Right.

But you're my friend,
and you're easy to talk to,

so I thought you would understand,
you know? Yep.

Please don't tell anybody yet.

I'm still trying to figure stuff out.

Yeah, okay.

[Exhales]

[Exhales sharply]

Uh, Eddie, what are you doing?

What we talk about in the Saturn
stays in the Saturn, remember?

Which is good because I
have so many questions.

So when did you, like, turn gay?

Whoa, you don't "turn."

I'm not a werewolf.

Interesting.

So does this change what kind
of jeans you're gonna wear?

Uhh... [laughing] no.

"T"!

[Buzzer rings]

No, there's no T. I'm sorry.

Honey and Jessica?

We'd like to buy an "O"!

As in "Overstaying Your Welcome."

Honey, we said no buying vowels.
They're a waste of money...

There are O's!

That's the hardest Vanna
will work in her life.

[Gritting teeth] Ignore him, Vanna.

Just do your job.

"Oo Oo Oo I wanna be like You Oo Oo!"

That's it! You got it!

And you win a two-week
best-friends cruise

- to beautiful Cozumel!
- Yes!

Yes! More time together!

Honey,
you can hold my purse while I snorkel!

You know what, no. That's it.

I'm done, Jessica.

First you move your family in

and you take over my entire house,

and then instead of looking
for a permanent place to live,

you take advantage of my hospitality

and you spend all of
your time practicing

for this stupid game show.

And not once did you say "thank you."

[Audience gasps]

You said "stay as long as you like."

If you wanted us to leave,
why didn't you just tell me?

Because I'm Southern.

We're built on hospitality and charm.

We say things like,
"Aw, what a cute baby,"

and "Your wedding was beautiful,"

but we don't mean it.

We're very nice liars.

And you're supposed to know that.

It's an unspoken understanding.

Honey, I shouldn't have
invited you on this show.

You're not my best friend.

[Audience gasps]

You're my family.

And where I come from,
it is an unspoken understanding

that you don't say thank you
to your family

because you don't need to.

You know they'll always have your back

no matter how hard things get.

And you will always have theirs.

I think of you like family too.

Extended family who you love
but don't want to live with.

I'll call Murray back tonight
and I will accept his offer.

What about him refusing
to repaint the house?

[Voice breaking] I'll make Eddie do it.

[Audience "aw" ing]

[Applause]

I'm sorry we ruined Best Friends Week.

Real best friends fight
because they care.

Sometimes you're hardest on the people

who... who matter to you the most.

[Exhales sharply] Ding.

[Voice breaking] There's only one "U."

[Audience "aw" ing]

- Well, thank you for letting us stay.
- You're welcome any time.

Southern, right?

Mm-hmm.[Laughs]

Well... nothing I can say.

Uh, what is that?

Emery: It's a bird deck.

A not-haunted bird deck.

Trust us, it's better this way.

[Engine revving]

[Tires screech, door slams]

Louis! Where you been?
I've been paging you all week!

- What's going on?
- We have an emergency.

Kenny Rogers'
Michael Bolton's Cattleman's Ranch?

W...

Michael! What happened?

Kenny's a jealous man, Louis.

An extremely wealthy, jealous man.

He offered me a
ridiculous amount of money

for my half of the restaurant.

But you said I could lean on you!

You sang it!

I'll never forget you, Louis.

And we did have some great times,
didn't we?

Did we?

[Louis sighs] Looks like
The Gambler always wins.