04x08 - The Vouch

[bunniefuu]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

You can't run from me any longer.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

I know you're in here, k*ller!

[METAL SCRAPES]

This is the end.

I spent all this time looking for you,

and you are behind this door.

Now what?

[GROANS]

Still don't know who the k*ller is?

No!

I can't finish
"A Case of a Kn*fe to the Brain"

if I don't know who put
that Kn*fe in that brain.

Sounds lik writer's block.

How do you know that term?

I had writer's block when I was drafting

the new HOA regulations.

I could not find a synonym for the word
"forbidden."

"Banned."

I went with "no-no."

Had to dumb it down for Carol-Joan.

That's true.

[BLOWS]

S E
The Vouch

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

I've written myself into a corner,
Louis.

- This crime is too perfect.
- I'm sure it's...

If Jennifer Hong can't solve
these murders, then who can?

She is the ultimate detective...
beautiful.

Smart. Observant.

Beautiful.

Maybe you just need a break.

When I was updating the
menus at Cattleman's,

I got stuck on salads...

Not to mention,
the coffee maker is broken!

How am I supposed to
write without coffee?

Mm, our friend the carrot
provides natural energy.

Please,
do not push your vegetable agenda on me.

And this coffee-maker
manual was no help!

languages, and all it talks about

is how to set the digital clock.

The Mandarin was accurate, though.

I know the writing's been hard,
but keep at it.

You'll figure it out.

What if I can't?

Oh, you're being too hard on yourself.

Don't be your own worst enemy.

You're right.

If Stephen King can trick
people into thinking

a dog is interesting for pages,
I can do this.

♪ Do you really wanna
party with me? ♪

♪ Let me see just
what you got for me ♪

♪ Put all your hands
where my eyes can see ♪

♪ Straight buckwildin'
in the place to be ♪

♪ If you really
wanna party with me ♪

Now, that's how you break
down the apocalypse.

May it never come so Busta
can keep rapping about it.

I didn't even know he
put out a new record.

That's what we got Eddie for.

I may not be able to tell you
where Canada is on the map,

but I can tell you the
current Hip-Hop .

Uhp!

Usher just went up a couple spots.

Good for Ursh.

Whose turn is it to load a new CD?

- Man...
- But my feet.

I literally just sat down.

Well, it's not gonna be me.

It's my room.
I stand up in it all the time.

- Hey, hey!
- Our guy!

What an entrance! Brian!

Change the CD, will ya?

- I got up to pee, not work.
- [GROANS]

Gentlemen,
our prayers have been answered.

EDDIE: discs?

We'll never have to get
up to change the CD again.

We just press "shuffle,"
and it does all the work for us.

- How much is it?
- $ .

Only a dollar a disc.

If we all go in,
it's just bucks each.

- All right.
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Okay.

Eddie, you sure you're good for it?

[SCOFFS] Are you questioning my stacks?

Yeah. I'm good for it.

Hey, bros.

Spot me bucks real quick.

Louis. I've got big news.

Someone ordered the bison tartare.
I knew it.

I knew if we just kept it on the menu,

someone would eventually
have the courage to...

No.

Kenny Rogers is visiting
Cattleman's Ranch this week.

Ohh.

Don't you lie to me, Matthew Chestnut.

Kenny always does two tours a year...

One musical, one business.

I mean, not that he has time

to visit every one of his restaurants.

Of course he can't visit them all.

The man runs a culinary empire.

Exactly. He's only got
time to visit a select few.

Ones that he finds,
for whatever reason, "excitin'."

That's even better than "exci-ting."

That's cowboy joy.

Whew! [LAUGHS]

Oh, Emery.

My son.

So, when two leaders
meet for the first time,

it is customary to have
an exchange of gifts.

Which one do you like more?

This boutique pen
featuring a covered wagon

traveling across the American West.

Or... an x sketch

of a cow and chicken riding motorcycles?

Well, it is kind of hard to wrap a pen

without giving away what it is.

[CHUCKLES] Not the way I wrap.

I once wrapped a toaster

that your mother thought
was diamond earrings.

She was very disappointed.

Do you want me to say the pen?

My son! Mm.

[SCOOTER APPROACHING]

Hmm.

JESSICA: Hey! Where are you going?!

_

GRANDMA HUANG: [SCOFFS]

Well,
she was supposed to play Amy Grant.

So I could announce...

that I finished my book! [GASPS]

Oh, wow! That's great! I knew you would!

I couldn't have done it
without your support.

I can't wait to read it.

You don't have to.

Not sure if you're asking me to...

Read it all tonight? Yes, I am.

And while you're doing that,

I'm just gonna ride this creative high.

I'm gonna craft a complaint letter

to the people at Mr. Coffee.

Don't tell me I can't.

Well,
I'm kind of in the middle of preparing

for Kenny Rogers'
first visit to Cattleman's.

You're finally gonna meet Kenny.

- That's big.
- I know!

So would it be okay if
I read your book later?

Oh, Louis. No.

How am I only on page ?!

So many commas.

[SCOFFS] The cleaning lady is a robot?

What year is this?!

Why is the police chief suddenly twins?

"It had all led here,

the trail of so many
knives to so many brains.

Jennifer Hong, ever beautiful,

extended her ageless
hand to the doorknob."

[GASPS]

"The k*ller was herself"?

- Right?!
- Aaaah!

That scary, huh?

That ending was thanks to you.

I got the idea when you told me
not to be my own worst enemy.

I did the opposite of what you said.

Oh. Right. Right.

So, what do you think?

I love it. [CHUCKLES]

It was amazing!

I know!

I can't believe I finished my novel!

You did. You finished it.

It's all over.

I feel like a runner at
the end of a marathon.

Except words are my miles.

Oh.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

More than , songs inside a machine

that's only inches long by
inches wide by inches deep.

And she only weighs pounds.

- Crazy.
- Awesome.

Technology.

I loaded every one of my CDs in here.

[CD PLAYER POWERING UP]

Oh, look at it go.

It's like a light show.

My heart is racing right now.

[BEEPING]

[ INTRO TO "CIRCLE OF LIFE" FROM
"THE LION KING" PLAYS]

Yes! Mufasa time!

[MUSIC STOPS] You guys put your
"Lion King" CD in?

We lent you the money to buy it,

so we figured we'd take some slots.

[SWITCH CLICKS]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

[MUSIC STOPS]

You guys don't get any slots.

I-I don't know, Eddie.

If they lent you money,
they kinda have a point.

Now that I think about it...

shouldn't we have our
share of the slots, too?

Why would you need that?
You love my music.

We do, but it might be cool

to throw some slow jams in there.

Okay, new plan.

Next time, we all bring our Case Logics.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yep.
- All right.

What's going on here?

I'm gonna bring all the CDs
I listen to when I lift.

You could be a watch.

You could be a tightly packed tie.

You could be an ice-cream sandwich.

- Are you excited to meet Kenny Rogers?
- I am!

I memorized all his songs

in case he brings his
guitar and wants to jam.

Great. You can do that
after you give him my novel

so he can give it to his
agent and get it published!

W-Why would you want me to
give Kenny Rogers your book?

He's a country singer/
restauranteur/underrated actor.

Louis, I forgive you.

It's not your fault you weren't born

with my detective mind.

What are you saying?

The fastest way to get published

is through someone
already in the business.

So I did a little digging
on everyone we know.

By the way, remind me to tell you

why Deidre can no longer
travel through Utah.

And I discovered that just last year,

Kenny Rogers wrote and
published a book...

"The Gift."

He's an author, just like me!

Don't tell me.

It's about the greatest
gift being literacy, right?

I don't know. I didn't read it.

Anyway,
with your personal recommendation,

there's no way Kenny
won't read my novel.

Right.

Sounds like a great idea.

Come on.

Lemme see what you're putting in there.

Part of the experience is the suspense.

[WHIRRING]

What a rush! Who's it gonna be?!

[CLICK]

[ENYA'S "BOOK OF DAYS" PLAYS]

Yes!

Welcome to the party, Enya!

Are you kidding me with this?

[MUSIC STOPS]

- What are you doing?
- Come on!

[FIFE PLAYING]

MAN: The waters of the
Delaware River ran cold.

But the fire in George
Washington's eyes b*rned hot.

My audio book about the
American Revolution!

Get ready to learn, everyone.

Audio book? This isn't even music!

When he led a column
of the Continental...

- Hey!
- Ugh!

[ HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] They said...

MAN: "You belong in the kitchen,
Betsy Ross."

And the kitchen is where I...

[SIGHS] Screw this!

I'm just gonna manually
select one of my CDs.

No way!

Who are you to control
what we listen to?

Guys.
I've always been in charge of the music.

Why would you want to
listen to this lame garbage?

In Dave's defense, Enya's voice

has been known to summon whales.

Well,
as long as the CD player's in my room,

we're not listening to whale rock.

Well,
maybe we shouldn't keep the CD player

in your room, then.

BRIAN: We each own a portion of it.

We can take turns
having it at our houses.

Like the shared-custody situation

I'd like to have with my dad

if we could ever find out where he is.

EDDIE: Fine.

Well, it's in my room now,
so I get it first.

And I'm skipping over whatever I want.

- Come on!
- Stop it, Eddie.

YOUNG MAN: What are you doing?

I, for one, am not just gonna sit here

and watch you skip over
the founding of our nation!

[CLICK]

♪ One day, one life ♪

No! [MUSIC STOPS]

Guys, her book is not good.

But you told her it was good.

Yeah, because I love her.

But now that she's asked me
to recommend it to Kenny,

it's a totally different thing.

I can't endorse something
I don't believe in.

Oh, that's true.

That's why I don't pet cats.

Mm.

Well, not to mention the fact

that nobody wants to meet
someone for the first time

and ask for a huge favor.

I think you should tell her the truth.

I mean, Jessica can take it.

She's given me some
pretty candid critiques

over the years. [CHUCKLES]

My cooking lacks discipline.

The way I sign my name
suggests weakness.

- I laugh wrong.
- I wear too much cologne.

My dancing comes across as arrogant.

Oh, well, that's because you
point all the time, sweetie.

Well, honey,
I like to point when I boogie.

Show people where I'm going.

- Okay.
- I can't tell her the truth.

It would crush her.

Honey,
maybe you can read it and tell her?

No.

Jessica and I have an agreement

to never comment on each
other's creative pursuits.

As friends,
it's better to not know and wonder

than to know and... know.

Marvin, will you read it?

No, sorry, buddy. No.

I don't read stories.

I go out into the world,
and I make my own.

Listen, this'll be okay.

I know some people who aren't afraid

to tell Jessica exactly what they think.

Your book is not good.

It didn't make any sense.

I liked the robot?

You're not supposed to like the robot!

So none of you were thrilled

with the twists and
the turns in the book?

- I hated it.
- Boo.

It made me sad for some reason.

I see.

Okay, well, thank you for your honesty.

Would you mind leaving
me your manuscripts

so I can look through
your individual notes?

- Yeah.
- Absolutely. Sure.

Here you go.

I can't believe those women!

I know, but suburban housewives
are your target demo.

Better to get their feedback now

so you can start rewriting.

I am not gonna change a word!

Who cares what they think?!

You loved it, right?

Um... yes.

Those wet hens are just jealous.

Privileged white women who can't stand

to see me rising like a phoenix

out of the ashes of this cul-de-sac!

Tell Kenny about my struggle
before you give this to him.

Hi. Uh... Hmm.

Howdy.

Uh, hello, Mr. Rogers.

Oh, sure. I'll call you Kenny.

Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

Uh... Kenny. [CHUCKLES]

Great to meet you.

Speaking of great,
allow me to self-segue

to the topic of my wife's novel.

I just heard Kenny's limo is
on its way from the airport.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Word is, he is dressed to the nines.

Well,
so am I. I'm wearing my silver stud.

Ah. I thought that was
a piece of glitter.

No, no. It's the happy-sad drama masks.

Ah, that's fun.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC ENDS, DISC CHANGES]

[CLICK]

[FIFE PLAYING]

MAN: "Dearest Henrietta,

I write from the snowy
hills of Valley Forge

as we await word from the front.

Not this again.

I know you don't understand
how I could leave you

and our son Gideon so far away,

but I fight not only for our family,

but for something larger.

- Like what?
- I fight because one person

cannot impose their
singular will on the people.

For to live in a land

and not have a voice in
what transpires there

is to live not under a song of freedom,
but of tyranny."

EVAN: Powerful stuff, isn't it?

Wait till the part where
the flag was still there.

Tears. Full tears.

You're a lot like King George, you know.

I'm picturing rich guy, well-fed,

does whatever he wants.

Yeah, I can see it.

No, he was a bad king.

A tyrant.
Imposing his will on the people.

Well, I'm not trying to be a tyrant.

It's just...
music has always been my thing.

And my friends know that.

That was before.

That -disc changer is the New World.

It shuffles more than just songs, Eddie.

It shuffles expectations.

One of the original tenets
of our republic was,

"No taxation without representation."

Your friends helped pay
for the carousel, Eddie.

Now they want a say in what it plays.

Wow.

Y'all just turned my bedroom
into school. [CHUCKLES]

MAN: [ HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
♪ Happy birthday, Evan ♪

♪ Happy birthday, Evan ♪

♪ Happy birthday, Evan ♪

♪ Come back to Chuck E. Cheese ♪

♪ Happy birthday, Evan ♪

♪ Happy birthday, Evan ♪

That was a great th birthday.

Pleasure to meet you, Louis.

Keep up the good work.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you, Kenny.

And may I just say, you k*lled it

on that episode of "Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman."

[CHUCKLES] Believable cough, wasn't it?

[BOTH LAUGH]

All right, Kenny.

Whew!

Oh, that man is a class act.

And look at the gift he brought me.

Rattlesnake boots.

My favorite snake!

It's pretty amazing how
an animal with no feet

can be reborn as footwear.

Huh.

Louis!

Did you give Kenny that envelope?

Oh. I did.

He read a couple pages,

said crime novels weren't his thing,

and gave it back to me.

I'm sorry. We gave it a good try.

Help me understand how
he read a couple of pages

if my book was not in the envelope.

What do you mean?

You handed Kenny the instruction manual

to our broken coffee maker and
my -page complaint letter.

This is my manuscript.

I don't understand.

Why did you give me the
coffee-maker letter?

It was an accident!

While it is very well-written,

it's not what I wanted Kenny to publish.

Next time you ask me to ask
my boss for a huge favor,

please make sure you give
me the right envelope.

You did not even give it to him!

All right, all right, listen.

The truth is...

I did not like your book.

I know. You said you loved it.

No, I love you,
and I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I'm sorry.
I should have been honest sooner.

But I can't vouch for something
that I don't believe in.

You think I always
believed in this place?!

I know you didn't feel good
about the original carpeting.

Everyone in our family
thought you were crazy

for moving us here, but I supported you.

Jessica,
there is a character in your book

that somehow manages
to get m*rder*d twice.

It... It doesn't make any sense.

And a Chinese immigrant

opening up a Western-themed steakhouse

in Central Florida does?

It doesn't matter that your
idea didn't make sense to me.

It made sense to you.

It was your dream,
and that's enough for me.

[SIGHS]

Well,
now I know the title of my next book...

"A Case of a Kn*fe to the Back."

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS] Je...

[DOOR CLOSES]

Dude, you're crazy.

I'm telling you. She's beautiful.

Fox Maid Marian from the
"Robin Hood" cartoon?

Rent it again.

And really look at her.

She's so modest and elegant.

I did like it when she played badminton.

Was that just...

Um, Eddie, what are you...

Just six more wires, guys.

I got to start respecting roadies, man.

From now on, we each have an equal say.

Cool of you to say that.

I appreciate you coming around on Enya.

Here's the thing, Dave...

I think Enya sucks.

But you like her,

so she deserves a place in the carousel.

- Democracy.
- Democracy.

TOGETHER: Democracy.

[HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Gwar!

Who hurt these people?

What do their mothers think?

Gwar has no mothers!

If this is another one of
your political cartoons,

I don't want to read it.

It's not.

[SIGHS]

"Dear Kenny, I know we've only just met,

but I'm writing on behalf of my wife,
Jessica.

She's finished a novel,

which I'm hoping you'll read
and share with your agent.

As with everything she does,

she put her heart and soul into it.

Thank you for considering it.

Your partner in cattle and cluck,
Louis Huang."

I'm sorry I lied about
giving him your book

and for not being
honest about how I felt.

I always want you to be honest with me.

Even if you think I'm not gonna like it.

I will be. I promise.

And you don't have to
send him this letter.

I absolutely do.

I should have supported
you from the beginning.

You should wait until I write
a book that you believe in.

I may not believe in
the detective abilities

of Jennifer Hong.

But I will always believe in
the dreams of Jessica Huang.

Why isn't that sentence in the letter?

I'll add it and send
it out with your book.

Perfect. [CHUCKLES]

Are you wearing a silver stud?

Oh, yeah, yeah. What do you think?

Oh, I...

I love it. It's amazing.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, I love it, too.

Hissssss!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Louis, he responded.

Oh, wow. Okay.

No matter what the letter says,

just remember it's only
one person's opinion.

Okay.

"Dear Jessica,

as you probably know from reading
'The Gift, '

I sure do love a mystery.

And, boy,
did yours have me by the throat...

or in this case, the brain... Get it?"

- Oh, my God! He loved it!
- He loved it!

"My agent and I will be in touch soon!

Oh, and thank Louis for the pen.

Smoothest write of my damn life.

I think she's got a
couple of songs in her."

[GASPS]

Do you realize what this means?

- I might be published!
- He loved the pen!

You might be published! [SQUEALS]

Also, you were wrong!

Take the win. Books are subjective.