04x15 - We Need to Talk About Evan

[bunniefuu]

Oh, it's beautiful to see the joining

of the two great houses
of Cattleman's Ranch.

MATTHEW: Yeah...
The Huangs and the Chestnuts.

Hey, I can see the stationery already.

It's a lotus flower and...
well, a chestnut.

[CHUCKLES]

So, that was it...
No notice, no nothing.

We just had to pick up and move.

But we're used to uprooting our lives

at the whim of Kenny Rogers.

I get it. Our move was hard, too.

And we were the only Asian
family in the neighborhood.

I so get that.

We're the only Latter-Day
Saints on our block.

I hear you.
My mother-in-law is in a wheelchair.

I hear that. I survived polio.

You guys know how to take off a bra?

Goodbye.

'Cause I do.

Front, back, and sports.

[CHUCKLES] Me too.
I-I've got mad bra game.

Yes. I, too, have... bra experience.

I barely speak to my father.

My father's dead.

- Damn it.
- I know.

The only reason I have the
strength to go on is my son.

Right.

Because he's the only grade-skipper

in the history of Abraham
Lincoln Middle School.

Oh, wait.

That's my son.

Sorry.

My youngest son.

I have three.

I know you only have the one.

Well, he's very handy around the house.

He changes all the light bulbs.

O-Our fixtures are on the walls,
and t-that's what he's doing.

Mm.

Oh, look at them, hitting it off.

Why didn't we do this earlier?

Hey,
should we take a joint family road trip

to the Grand Canyon?

I'll make us a mixtape for the drive.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

S E
We Need to Talk About Evan

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

MAN: Save the whales!

I love whales,

but how is signing a
petition going to help?

Yeah, where are they gonna mail it...
the ocean?

Ha.

[SCREAMS]

What is it? A pedophile?

BOTH: The hell?!

Explain yourself.

One time!

I-I thought it'd be fun
to dress up one time.

Oh, thank God.

For a second,
I thought you followed me to Miami.

What is the meaning of this?

It's a new
positive-reinforcement program

we just started.

It rewards one student every month.

It's January,
so there's only been one recipient...

Stacy Cooper.

[SCOFFS] Stacy Cooper?!

She's a "B"
student and takes two lunches.

It's about more than just grades, Evan.

It's also who's the most well-rounded

and engaged in our school community.

Stacy got the cheerleaders

to start cheering for girl sports.

I see I've got some work to do.

Mommy, brainstorm in the car?

Oh, and I also don't like how
your new secretary is a man.

Oh, excuse me.

Is Kenny Rogers coming in today?

We want to take a picture with him.

[CHUCKLES] No, he isn't,

but you can take a picture with me.

I actually started Cattleman's.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

No, thank you.

We'll just buy a Kenny hat or
a bolo tie or a guitar pick.

We actually don't sell any of that.

Then what am I even
doing in this hellhole?!

Come on, James!

I told you we should've called ahead!

Ugh!

I'm loving the mouthfeel
of this bison burger.

So juicy.

I heard Kenny created it to nurse
his sick mother back to health.

I put bison on the menu,

and let me tell you,
it was an uphill battle.

I hear Kenny strangled that
bear with his own hands.

[GROWLS]

If I were you, I'd wash your bumper.

You know I'm not one
to compliment children,

but that's a good idea.

Student of the Month, here I come.

_

How do you say "booty shorts" in French?

[LAUGHTER]

_

Is it called "French kissing" over there

or "home kissing"?

[LAUGHTER]

Doesn't anyone care where Jacqueline is?

Are you guys going to Sara's
birthday party on Saturday?

Cherry tomatoes make a good party snack.

Sign up for my new
Student Garden Program.

Why is your corn hairy?

Because I haven't shucked it yet.

Real corn is not niblets in a can.

Sorry to blow your mind!

What do you think of the theme
"A Night to Remember"?

Did you guys see what Pacey did to Joey

last night on "Dawson's"?

We've been here for two hours,

and we still don't have a
theme for the Spring Fling.

I only hope a boy kisses me at the dance

like Dawson kissed Joey.

There won't be a dance
if we don't plan one.

- I'm so Team Dawson!
- I'm so Team Pacey!

I'm Team Shut Up!

[GASPS] My eyes!

Monique, your eyes!

Hey!

So, remember at dinner,

when I told Max I knew
how to unhook a bra?

I lied. I don't.

I don't, either.

Could you tell I was lying?

Yes.

We need to figure this out.

Max is in my grade,

and he's already taken off like bras.

We just need to find a bra and practice.

How hard could it be?

Where are we gonna find a bra?

How does Grandma get her bras up there?

Mm.

Oh. That's what that's for.

Hmm.

EVAN: I'm sorry I lost my temper

and threw glitter at those girls.

It won't happen again.

Well, that is good to hear.

But I don't need counseling.

Don't think of this as counseling, Evan.

Think of this as talking.

This is a safe space, okay,

where we can throw
glitter at each other...

Verbally.

Mr. Tim... if you need someone to help,

talk to the girl in my class

who turns her breath
spray into a flamethrower.

Ohh! We can discuss Becky...

I mean, whichever student that is...
later.

But how about those girls
on the dance committee?

I already said it was an accident.

Well,
why do you think you reacted that way?

Because they're so stupid and unfocused!

And it made me feel so
stressed and overwhelmed!

Whoa.

Saying that out loud
actually felt pretty good.

Welcome to the process, Evan.

Hey, buddy.
Just working on our road trip mixtape.

I know this is controversial...
Hear me out.

"I'm Too Sexy".

We've been driving all night,

flat for miles, nothing to look at.

Then boom! Right Said Fred.

Just as we ease into El Paso,
we blast it!

Love it.
Um, can I talk to you about something?

Oh. Yeah, sure.

Everywhere I turn,
people are talking about Kenny Rogers.

To be honest,
I'm feeling a little invisible

- in my own restaurant.
- Oh, no.

I was looking at the menu,
and it got me thinking...

Michael Bolton's Brownie
b*mb is still on there.

I want my name on a menu item.

I want to put Louis Huang's
Five Alarm Chili on the menu.

I'm... going to have to agree to...

agree with you.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Pshew-pshew-pshew!

Oh! Pshew-pshew-pshew-pshew!

BOTH: Pshew-pshew-pshew!

Ohhh.

He reminds me of an old boss I had.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Oh, boy.

Jessica!

So nice to see you.

Hello, Amy.

It's so nice to see you.

Dinner was so fun the other night.

So fun!

We must do it again.

Absolutely.

I would love to cook you a
traditional Taiwanese meal.

[GASPS] Nonsense!

I would like to whip up a
traditional Bengalese meal.

You said you were from Tampa.

My heart is Bengali.
I did my mission there.

It didn't go so well,
but the food was unbelievable.

Mm.

[GASPS] Evan, did you tell Mrs. Chestnut

about being up for Student of the Month?

[SIGHS]

Oh. I wanted to talk to you about that.

And I would love to hear about it,
but I'm late...

To give blood.

Mr. Tim and I think it's best to push
"Pause"

on Student of the Month.

What? Wait. Who's Mr. Tim?

My school counselor.

I'm seeing him once a week
to manage my stress levels.

Counselor?

Ohhh.
That's a school word for "therapist".

Aww.

And he was supposed to be the
best of your three, right?

[INHALES SHARPLY, SIGHS]

You dropped something.

Dragon breath.

I did not give consent!

I'm sorry?

There was no form. I filled out nothing.

You can't just counselor-therapy my son.

Keep your witch doctor
fingers out of Evan's brain.

Becky, I'm sorry to cut our time short,

but I need to talk to this lady.

Remember to fight the urge
to light things on fire.

Okay.

[SPRAY HISSES]

[HUMMING]

You hypnotized my son.

He was on track to be
Student of the Month,

and you waved your pocket
watch in front of his face,

and now he's not.

Mrs. Wong,
Evan came to his own conclusion

about Student of the Month.

There are nine months in
the school year, after all.

His narrative doesn't
have to be so linear.

Ugh. Again with the hippie talk.

You know, sometimes,

parents confuse their own
ambition for their child's.

That's not what this is.

I have a son with no ambition.
I know what that looks like.

Okay. Got it on the pillow.

We should take a break.

Evan has always pushed himself.

He doesn't need people like
you telling him what to do.

Oh, I don't tell him what to do.

I provide a safe, judgment-free space

for Evan to share his feelings.

He seems to be responding very well.

Don't act like you know
my son better than I do.

Oh, it's not my job to know Evan.

It's my job to help Evan know Evan.

Okay, Mr. Tim, this is over.

If anyone's going to talk to my son,
it's me!

I'm not entrusting him
to some fake doctor

who lets kids call
him by his first name!

My name is actually Richard Tim.

Ugh!

LOUIS: Good afternoon.

I'm Louis Huang, creator of
Louis Huang's Five Alarm Chili,

which you'll find on the
left-hand corner of your menus.

Four bowls?

Mm... not really in the mood for chili.

It's like degrees outside.

[CHUCKLING] It, uh,
almost won an award, you know.

Do you guys do po' boys?

No, we don't.

Okay, um...

Look, I never do this,
but order the chili.

Alright? Just order it.

There might be a little
pageantry if you do.

We don't want chili.

Free chili, alright? Sample it.

Free bowl for the table,
four spoons, four smiles.

We're gonna go.

Oh, come on.

Ohhhhhh, bud.

Don't let this get you down.

All it takes is one person to say "yes",

and then those floodgates will open...

Like Willy Wonka's chocolate river,
except with chili

and you riding a spoon boat
on the way to your goals.

[CHUCKLES]

[REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS]

Hello, Evan.

[SCREAMS]

I spoke with Mr. Tim.

He encouraged us to do
home-counseling therapy.

You could talk to me the
same way you talk to him...

Directly, like mother and son.

- Okay.
- Start.

Can I sit down?

Yes, you can sit down.

And begin.

How are you feeling today...
Not normal or normal?

I...think I'm normal?

Good. This is working.

Now I'm gonna show you something,

and you tell me how it makes you feel.

Where'd you get that?

The Coopers have too many
bumper stickers on their car.

They won't miss it.

Mr. Tim said you don't
want this anymore.

It's not that I don't want it,

but Mr. Tim and I agree

that it doesn't need to be right now.

What's the difference
between now and later?

If you're gonna put in the effort later,

why not put in the effort now?

Yeah. I guess that kind of makes sense.

Think about your life plan.

You still want to be doctor/president?

Yes. Of course.

Oh,
you're not gonna become doctor/president

by doing tomorrow what
you could do today.

[SLURPING]

[GULPS]

You're right.

Thank you for chopping down that tree

so I can see the forest clearly.

My a* is love.

[SIGHS] My hand is starting to cramp.

Suck it up, bro! It's only been an hour!

I have the first two hooks undone,

but I still have two to go.

I feel my pillow girl losing interest.

You know what? Move over. My turn.

[SIGHS]

I got it!

[SIGHS]

Damn, son!

I just re-hooked the ones you undid.

She's more bra'd up than when I started.

[SIGHS]

Not a single person ordered my chili.

Matthew tried to say it was
because it was too hot outside,

but meanwhile,
we sold out of the clam chowder,

so I know it's not that.

That sounds like it's
very important to you.

Evan, how was your day? Take us up.

Great! I'm back on track
for Student of the Month.

I convinced the French club to
put on a production of "Les Mis"

that we can pay for with
my Student Garden profits.

Also,
we came up with a theme for the dance...

"Arabian Nights".

And Monique has forgiven
me for almost blinding her.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Plus, I'm organizing a bake
sale for the homeless...

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

And I'm dealing with Deonte,

who doesn't know a
scone from a muffin...

Hey, are you okay?

Tammy,
who has never even heard of an eclair.

Eclairs are just... a choux pastry...

[HYPERVENTILATING]

_

- What?!
- GRANDMA: Evan!

_

Oh, yeah.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe in there.

Just relax.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

_

_

How you feeling?

Fine.

I don't know what happened.

You just rest. I'm glad you're okay.

[WHISPERING] Is he okay?!

[VOICE BREAKING] I think
I pushed him too hard.

You've always pushed him hard.

And like that counselor said at school,
Evan pushes himself.

Well, then, what's changed?

Why does he suddenly need to breathe

into my authentic Chanel purse?

Maybe we took him out of
Dr. Tim's sessions too soon.

He's not a doctor. He's a mister.

And he's only known
Evan for five minutes.

What kind of a mother am I

if a stranger can help
my son better than I can?

You're a great mother.

But maybe a little extra
help isn't a bad thing.

[WHISPERING] But therapy?

You want to pay to have our
son whine to a stranger?

I don't know anyone
who's ever done therapy.

I never did,
no one in my family ever did.

Really?
You think your sister's not in therapy?

Where do you think Connie
goes every Tuesday?

She says she's taking cooking classes.

Well, if she is,
it's with her therapist.

Look, there is no shame in
doing what's best for our kids.

[SIGHS]

Fine.

I will admit that Evan could
benefit from talking to you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

But I will need a detailed
report on everything he says.

Still not how it works.

I tell my therapist everything,
and nothing leaves that room.

You have a therapist?

That's like a barber going to
a barber to get his haircut.

Well, how do you think
barbers get their hair cut?

Hmm.

[SMACKS LIPS]

Is there anything you'd
like to talk about?

No.

[SINGSONG VOICE] I can tell there's
something you'd like to say.

I thought I was being supportive

about Evan being Student of the Month,
but...

I think I pushed him into
having a panic att*ck.

Well, Evan is a very driven young man.

Maybe with your other sons
you need to be the gas pedal,

but for Evan, you need to be the brakes.

[SIGHS]

He's always challenged himself
to be the best student,

and he's always been able
to handle the pressure.

Well, there's more to
grade-skipping than just academics.

There's... There's social
hurdles that go along with it.

But Evan's always related
well to older people.

He runs our neighborhood
HOA with an iron fist.

He may be fine handling
himself with adults,

but he has a hard time
relating to his new peers.

Evan is a very special kid.

I'm gonna give him the
tools he needs to succeed.

[VOICE BREAKING] Me too.

He's both of our favorites!

Oh!

That's what these are for.

[CHUCKLES]

I get it now.

Here you go, sir...
Louis Huang's Five Alarm Chili.

I didn't order the chili.

Oh. But it's here now. Try it.

No, thanks. I'm waiting on the chowder.

I'll try some chili.

I heard about Louis Huang's
famous Five Alarm Chili

back wherever I came from...
In my hometown city.

[CLANGING]

[CLANGING STOPS]

[TRIANGLE CLANKS] Well...

here you go, weary traveler.

It smells heartwarming.

I can't wait to find out
what Louis Huang put in here.

I'm actually Louis Huang.

What?! From the menu?

That's right.

[CHUCKLES, WHIMPERS]

Yep. You can taste each alarm.

[CHUCKLES] What's in here?

Unfortunately,
I can't divulge my secret recipe.

No, seriously, what is in this?

Again, family secret.

[HYPERVENTILATING]

Oh, God.

Oh, no! He's having a panic att*ck!

Who has a knock-off Chanel
purse he can breathe into?

Are there Szechuan peppercorns in here?

I'm allergic to Szechuan peppercorns.

But that's the fourth alarm!

No, don't worry.

[HYPERVENTILATING CONTINUES]
I can drive myself home.

No. [SNIFFS] I'll be fine.

Oh! Matthew! [GROANS]

[CUSTOMERS GASP]

You should see it, Louis.

It's beautiful.

[RIGHT SAID FRED'S "I'M TOO SEXY" PLAYS
] Looks like we're rolling into El Paso!

Uh-oh!

[VOLUME INCREASES]

♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt ♪

♪ Too sexy for my shirt ♪

- ♪ So sexy, it hurts ♪
- LOUIS: Matthew!

Matthew!

Matthew, can you hear me?!

[GASPS SOFTLY]

W... How long was I out?

[GASPS] Wait. Who won the X Games?

I don't know. Who won the X Games?

I don't know why this matters to me.

It's not like I know this woman,

but for some reason,
she gets under my skin.

It sounds like there's
a lot to unpack here

with your husband's partner's wife,

but, uh, if we're going to talk,

it really needs to be about Evan.

Okay.

How much is counseling
for Evan going to cost me?

I do have AAA, if there's a discount.

There's no charge. It's free.

Free?

Yes... free.

It's a service provided by
Abraham Lincoln Middle School.

Talk to him. It's free.

As helpful as you think you're being,
Mrs. Huang,

I'm going to have to
ask you to leave now.

Okay, I'll go.

I'm just gonna leave my
authentic Chanel purse

here for safekeeping. [CLICK]

[WHIRRING]

Uh...

I'm going to need you to take
your tape recorder with you.

It's against the rules and very loud.

Nice.

Oh, Evan, you are in good hands with
this man. [CLICK, WHIRRING STOPS]

Goodbye.

Uh... uh...

you'll be needing your microphone, too.

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Oh! Doesn't miss a thing!

Is there a child lock

or some sort of safety
switch we're not seeing?

You know what?

It's not us.

It's the pillow!

We need something with more...
structure.

[SIGHS] Why don't they
make these with Velcro?

Maybe we need to work together.

Come on, Mrs. Claus.

How do women do this on themselves?

I don't know, but I got a new
mad respect for the ladies.

[TAB POPS]

Well, I know what I'll be talking about

with Mr. Tim this week.

And Evan's relating more to his peers.

He's even thinking of going

to see "The Wedding Singer"
with Monique,

which is big for him,
and it's all thanks to therapy.

Oh. So you're...
telling people about that now?

So brave.

Smart of you to get
out in front of that.

He's getting the tools
he needs to succeed,

and I support that.

- You know who else is in therapy?
- No.

Oprah, Jane Fonda,
Lee lacocca, James Brown.

Wait... James Brown?
But he seems so together.

Mm. He only says he feels good.

Thank you for almost dying

for the chili that bears my name.

Sorry it was a bust.

I'll take a bowl of the
Louis Huang Five Alarm Chili.

Really?

It's supposed to be, like, super spicy.

I mean, crazy spicy.

I mean,
so many people I know want to try it.

People are talking about my chili!

Who's invisible now? [CHUCKLES]

Apparently,
some four-eyed piece of cream cheese

tried it and could not handle it.

They had to put him in the hospital.
[LAUGHS]

My chili's on the map!

I'm gonna get my chow bell.

"Piece of cream cheese"?