04x18 - Measure Twice, Cut Once

[bunniefuu]

Surprise!

What is that?

It's freedom. Now that we're buying

Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant,

we can do whatever the heck we want.

Also, we're switching back
to one-ply in the bathrooms.

Mm, I don't know...

We'll keep a roll of two-ply
in the register for me and you.

No, not the toilet paper.

I don't know about buying back
Kenny's share of the restaurant.

What do you mean?

I thought we talked about this.

I thought you went down to the notary

and got the papers signed.

I was going to,
and then I hit that long light on th

and I started debating,

do we want to spend that
kind of money right now?

Maybe we should find another
partner to buy Kenny's half.

Share the risk.

Share the profits, you mean.

Kenny's giving us his half
for pennies on the dollar.

It's a great deal.

Hmm. You're right.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'll add that to the pro column.

Pro... I own the whole restaurant.

Con... I own the whole restaurant.

You just wrote the
same thing down twice.

Tricky, isn't it,
how the same thing can be good or bad?

This hasn't been very helpful.

Louis, you always do this.

You question and over-analyze

and then you miss out
on a great opportunity

because you can't make up your mind.

Well, I like to measure twice, cut once.

Nothing's wrong with that.

No. Dumb. Me, I'm a woman of action.

You have to act first
and then apologize later.

Like I have learned to do.

You never apologize.

I would if I had ever been wrong.

Listen, Louis, I know for a fact

that we should buy back the restaurant.

How can you be so sure?

Madame Xing foretold it.

Your psychic?

She's never steered me wrong.

Hey, a lobster t*nk! Fun!

Lobsters all piled on top of each other.

It's sad, actually.

I'm gonna go lie down.

[t*nk BUBBLING]

S E
Measure Twice, Cut Once

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

We've got to agree on something.

What about "Tommy Boy"?

Please.

"Multiplicity."

[ALL GROAN]

Eddie, whatever you do,

don't turn it to
"Regis and Kathie Lee"...

Don't worry.

Which I gave up for days of Lent

to replicate the sacrifice

of Jesus' -day trip into the desert.

Here we go. Bible Boy is back.

My least favorite time of the year.

I forgive you, brothers.
Love the sinners, hate the sin.

Louis, I just talked to Madame Xing

and she told me another
reason why we should buy back

Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant...

I faced the exact same
dilemma in a past life.

Could we not bring
reincarnation into this, please?

Xing says I was a cartographer
in the Northwest Passage

after the Louisiana Purchase.

I could have bought some
pelts from a local tribe,

but I hesitated and I froze to death.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

Yeah, but what does any of this
have to do with the restaurant?

Oh, I think it's pretty clear.

The restaurant is our pelts.

You need to stop hesitating

and buy it back so we don't
get iced out of a great deal.

[TEETH GRINDING]


We are not making any big
decisions in our current life

based on something Xing
said you did in a past life.

[SCOFFS] I can't wait
till I'm reincarnated.

I know who I'm coming back as.

The RZA.

♪ Yeah ♪

[CRUNCH]

Damn, Dave, these are the
best ants-on-a-log I ever had.

Thanks, Eddie RZA.

Come on, Brian. What's up, man?

You're acting like Antarctica over here.

Get your ass in the pool. It's heated.

Chlorine makes my skin itch.

[SCOFFS] Hey, yo, Ho-Ho!

Drain the pool and fill
it up with meatballs.

The saucy ones.

Hell, yeah, Eddie RZA.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

That's not how reincarnation works.

I studied all the religions
before enrolling into Jesus U.

[QUIETLY] Here comes the seminar.

Every time we die,

our consciousness is
reborn into another form.

Each life is an opportunity
to improve ourselves.

If you do, your spirit transcends higher

until you reach spiritual liberation.

And I have improved
through all my lives.

That's how I became the perfect
being you see before you.

[SNICKERS] That's bold.

I know.

In my next life, I plan on achieving

my ultimate spiritual form...

Morning mist.

That's why I know we should
buy back the restaurant.

I learned it three lives ago

when I should have bought
those beaver skins.

All right, listen, I agree with you.

We should buy back the restaurant.

Yes!

It takes you a while, Louis,
but you finally get there.

But not because of any
vision Madame Xing had.

Because I called Silvia at Union Savings

and had her run the numbers.

They're too good to pass up.

It doesn't make sense not to buy it.

So Silvia is your Madame Xing.

No, Silvia is a professional

working in an accredited industry.

She uses math. She has a CPA.
She graduated from FSU.

Okay, Louis.

Okay.

Okay,
I need you to sign and initial these,

roll your thumb through some ink,
and we'll be done.

Very unhygienic.
That's why I brought my own ink.

We don't know if some
pedophile co-signed for a van.

Lorenzo, what do you think I should do?

- Me?
- Him?

Yes, what's your opinion on this?

Should I buy the other
half of the restaurant?

Well, who owns it now?

Louis, we decided this already.

Pee or get off the toilet.

I sit 'cause I don't like
having my back to the door

when I'm exposed.

I won't tell.

I'm just saying, this is a big decision.

Maybe we should sleep on it.

We just woke up from sleep!
It's morning!

I'm sorry, but I'm holding off.

- Ohh!
- No thumbs today, Lorenzo.

What happened to all the lobsters?

AMY: Matthew?
Aren't you supposed to be at work?

It's my day off!

I thought that was Thursday?

- I'm sick!
- Watch it!

As soon as Inspector
Gadget gets out of here,

I'm gonna drive you
guys all to the Gulf.

[CHUCKLES] Except you.

You, I'm gonna keep.

Evan, cover your eyes and ears.
We're gonna watch "Baywatch."

Sorry, you can't.
I'm taping "Regis and Kathie Lee."

I plan to catch up on all the
episodes I miss once Lent ends.

Doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice

if you're gonna watch
the episodes eventually.

The shows will be irrelevant by then.

That's the sacrifice.

So now we have to suffer

so you can feel like
you're superior to us?

Not superior, just better.

Ugh! I cannot take days of this.

Lent Evan is the worst.

We need to take him down a peg.

I don't know.
I think I'm done with all that stuff.

I'm maturing.

You farted into a
Ziploc bag this morning

and put it in the freezer
to see if it would freeze.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, cool, let's mess with Evan.

Hey.

Louis,
I understand you've had some trouble

making a decision and
I've been pushing you.

I know you're impulsive

and I appreciate you
coming to apologize...

Oh, no. Hey. No one is apologizing.

What? How do... You aren't?

No. I found someone else
to push you instead.

I flew in Madame Xing from D.C.!

She was minutes late
picking me up at the airport.

But I had a vision she would be.

So, I had a quick cigar
outside the terminal.

She'll give you a reading and tell you

how many lives you've
spent trapped by indecision

so you can finally
overcome your weakness.

[TEETH GRIND]

You paid to fly your psychic
in to give me a reading?

Of course not.
I used our credit card points.

I was gonna use those to take the family

to either Alaska or Hawaii.

You've been debating
that trip for years.

If you had made a decision,

then I wouldn't have the free
miles to fly her out here.

Unbelievable!

Louis, I'm just doing this to help you

see that buying back the
restaurant is a good idea.

Jessica, can I have some ice water?

I have the cigar breath.

Of course, Madame Xing.

Don't open it.
One of Eddie's experiments.

This is ridiculous.

I'm not gonna put our future
in the hands of your psychic.

She has a gift, Louis.

Her guidance about my
book deal was dead on,

she was right about
Honey having a boy...

That's a - guess.

And she said that your
restaurant would be successful

when we first moved here.

Well, how do I know, like her,
you're not making that up?

[SIGHS] She also predicted
that you would be hesitant.

That's why I bought her
an open-ended ticket.

Yeah, she's not leaving until
you let her give you a reading.

My first time to Florida.

Gonna do SeaWorld,
Disney, swamp boat ride,

maybe take a class at
the community college.

Hmm.

The longer you resist,

the more fun she'll see in her future.

What are you doing?

We're throwing out our underwear
so we won't be tempted.

Tempted? By what?

After you left,
we turned on "Regis and Kathie Lee."

Usually, we'd never watch that crap.

[GASPS] But they did a
really powerful segment

on the true meaning of Lent

and it convinced us to give it a try.

Regis and Kathie Lee are giving
up underwear for days.

So we're gonna try, too.

Why on Earth would Regis
give up underwear?!

Kathie Lee maybe.

So they could be more like Jesus.

Because he didn't wear underwear.

Excuse me! Jesus wore underwear.

Not according to them, he didn't.

They said it was too hot in the desert.

Plus, even if he did own a pair,

you know he'd lend them
to the less fortunate.

You guys are just messing with me.

Oh, yeah?
How many times does it mention underwear

in the Bible you're always reading?

And you call yourself
a student of religion.

If you don't believe us, watch the tape.

A-ha!
You're trying to make me break Lent.

I should've known.
You never even watched the show.

Yes, we did.

Oh, yeah, then who was the guest?

Reba McEntire. Reba McEntire.

Ugh, that sounds right.

Come on,
let's go find a super-cool homeless kid

who needs underwear.

I'm trying to look back,
but there's a spirit in the way.

You lost a family member?

Yes, I've lost a relative. Everyone has.

I haven't.

Louis, I told you she has a gift.

Stop fighting it.

Something else is coming into focus.

I see a past life.

- Hmm.
- One where you are a turtle.

- [SCOFFS]
- Yes, that sounds right.

He makes decisions like a turtle...
Slow.

Okay,
I don't see how anything you're seeing

is supposed to help me.

Madame Xing can't help what she sees.

She's on a higher level.

Yes. Now give me those nice hands.

[TEETH GRIND]

[cr*ck] Ow!

I think I broke my tooth!

In dreams, a broken tooth
symbolizes a hidden frustration.

Not hidden, lady!

I'm going to Marvin,
see if he can fix this.

Decisive action.
That's progress. [DOOR SLAMS]

Oh, yeah, you cracked your enamel.

You've been grinding your teeth.

I'm a little stressed.

Ah. Same.

I'm meeting Honey for lunch.

We've been having a major battle

about whether to circumcise the baby.

She doesn't want to?

No, she says there's a lot
of sensation in that part.

Nerve endings. How does she know?

Anyway,
just lie back and enjoy the gas, Lou.

[GAS HISSING] I fought in the Navy.

I can't let it come out that
I didn't circumcise my boy.

I go to reunions, it's gonna come up.

You know,
there was a guy in our unit that, uh,

well, he was, you know, natural.

[EAGLE CRIES]

MADAME XING: I see a past life.

One where you are a turtle.

LOUIS: Pro...
we get to the other side of the road.

Con... we die.

Maybe we should go for it.

It's been two hours, and not one car.

Although, it just increases the odds

that one is about to come.

It's too dangerous.

Although...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Where are you going?

What... What are you doing?

Carl, don't just...

[CRUNCH]

[GASPS]

Aaaaaaaah!

And what's it gonna be
like when my son and I

go to the sauna for the first time?

[TOMMY LAUGHS]

♪ Fat guy in a little coat ♪

What is this movie?

I can't follow any of this.

[MUFFLED] There might be some...

There might be something to this
reincarnation stuff after all!

Madame Xing said you'd come around.

As always, it takes you a while,

but eventually you see that I am right.

No, actually, you were wrong.
I had a vision.

I was a turtle, and this other tur...

- You had a vision?
- Yeah, I was a turtle...

I've never had a vision!

You don't even believe.
I'm almost morning mist!

I should be having a vision. Not you.

How did you have a vision?

EMERY: How's it going?

You finding any underwear
mentions in the Bible?

Got another tape of "Regis."

Day of them not wearing
underwear for Lent.

Regis still found a way to work in

that he graduated from Notre Dame.

Why is it so important

for a son to look like
his father down there?

When will anyone see you side by side?

In the sauna.

Just snip the kid already.

If he's anything like his mother,
he'll be a lazy cleaner.

Now gas me.

- What?
- Jessica?

I want a vision like the one Louis had.

So, ergh, ergh, ergh.

Uh, I just can't give gas
to people for the fun of it.

I swore an ethical
code of responsibility.

Well, then, have Honey crank
the dial and you turn around.

Babe, you game?

Sure, works for me.

[SIGHS]

[GAS HISSING]

I don't feel anything. Turn it higher.

It's all the way up.

What is going on?

I don't get it.

That amount of nitrous
could knock out a rhino.

Are you giving me the cheap stuff?

[SCOFFS] I thought we were friends.

Sub-par gas...

- Lunch?
- I could eat.

Delayed reaction. Sub-par gas, indeed.

JESSICA: It worked. A vision.

I've achieved the ultimate
level of being... morning mist.

Ooh, does baby like the new humidifier?

Marvin? Get out of my mist!

Why are you talking like that?

Who's my little
pookie-wookie-wookie-wookie?

- No!
- Oh.

I've come back as...

Honey and Marvin's white baby?!

Help. I am Jessica Huang.

I'm supposed to be
reincarnated as morning mist,

not in this white baby cage!

Oh! A party?

Okay, listen up.

Before anyone gets too attached to me,

I am not supposed to be here.

I was reborn in the wrong body.

Okay, time for your circumcision.

What?! I am a boy?

No way. I am out of here.

[BABY CRIES]

Ahh, I can't do anything!

But I'm a woman of action!

Let's talk about this.

Don't just act, weigh the pros and cons.

No!

So I was right!

Your vision showed you
that debating things

is better than acting first.

No, it showed me the exact opposite.

How can you say that?
You got circumcised!

You wanted people to
not rush in and mull.

You didn't let me finish.

You know what? That wasn't that bad.

I feel faster. Streamlined.

Madame Xing, thank God!

Release me from this vision!

What a little cutie!

Why are you holding my
husband's nice hand?

I still can't believe how
quickly you guys got married.

What?

[BABY GURGLES]

I just threw up.

You let a piece of prime
meat hit the market,

it's gonna get snatched.

Xing, you viper!

As soon as I can walk,
I'm coming for you.

[STERNLY] Boys, use napkins.

ALL: Yes, Mommy Xing.

JESSICA: Well,
I don't hate the discipline.

[SIGHS]

I can't believe your mom isn't here.

She's the one who convinced
me to snip little Dan.

- Dan?!
- I know.

I wish she and Madame Xing
had never gone to the beach.

Such a freak accident.

They were debating whether to
play volleyball or go kayaking

when that rogue wave surprised
Mom and swept her out to sea.

I married Madame Xing?

I was right.

If I had acted quickly
instead of debating,

I would have lived instead
of being eaten by the ocean.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

We're debating nitrous-gas dreams.

What about reality?

Okay, let's talk reality.

You and I made a decision

to buy back Kenny Rogers'
half of the restaurant

and now you get all wishy-washy?

Well, maybe without Kenny Rogers

and Michael Bolton's names on the sign,

people would stop coming in.

Or maybe they wouldn't. I don't know.

I just wanted more time
to think it through.

Why do you have to talk
everything to death?

At least I don't act without thinking.

You bought a lobster t*nk on a whim!

- That thing is beautiful!
- It's empty!

I don't know where Matthew
or the lobsters went!


How can we both be right?
We're saying opposite things.

That's why I couldn't follow it.

That makes a lot of sense.

We do work well together.

You can't argue with success.

Insightful.

Maybe in your next life,

you will come back as morning mist.

_

So what do you want to
do about the restaurant?

[SIGHS DEEPLY] Well, I looked at my list

and after carefully
weighing the pros and cons,

I think we should buy back

Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant.

Are you sure that's what you want?

I'm sure.

I'm glad.

Because I already signed
the papers with Lorenzo.

- What?
- I acted before thinking,

but that's what you love about me!

When did you do this?

Early on. Very early.

I stopped Lorenzo in the parking lot

as he was leaving Cattleman's.

Signed the papers on
the hood of his car.

I Yang-ed it.

Then why fly in Madame Xing?

Because you were so against it,

I thought she could convince you.

I didn't know that
Morning Mist over here

was sitting on the Yin-Yang key.

Why did you tell me now?

Because now you agree with me.

Dear Jesus, is it true they said on
"Regis and Kathie Lee"

that you didn't wear underwear?

If I watch, I break Lent,
but I need to know.

Please, just give me a sign.

I feel bad.

My heart.

There was no segment about Jesus'
underwear.

We made it all up.

You work in mysterious ways,
you all-knowing shepherd.

We're sorry.

It's just that you get so
unbearable during Lent.

That's why we tried to get you to break.

But you got to forgive us, right?

Your religion says so.

God forgives unconditionally.

But I don't.

I tell Mommy unless
you make it up to me.

Good morning! I am Regis Philbin.

And I'm Kathie Lee Gifford.

I don't want to be Kathie Lee.
Can't we both be Regis?

Don't be ridiculous.

America can't handle two Regises.

Now, do it like I wrote it.

We got a great show
for you this morning.

Reba McEntire's here.

Caught her sound check.

You're in for a treat,
America, so don't go anywhere.

Oh, what are we watching?

Eddie and Emery are
acting out a fake episode

of "Regis and Kathie Lee" I wrote.

Great.

Where's Dad?

Oh, he's Yin-ing out.

He's making a pro and con list

about whether he's going
to speak to me again.

It'll take him a while,
but he'll come around eventually.

Did you see this?
Some disturbing news out of Buffalo.

A truck jack-knifed off the interstate,

k*lling cattle and a hitchhiker.

I hitchhiked once.

[GASPS] Kathie Lee!

This is good.

I know.

EMERY: [DEFENSIVELY] Reg,
it was the ' s!

Your face is red as a lobster.

I should throw you in the
t*nk at the restaurant.

God knows there's room.

I was at Disney all day!

I met Goofy.

Did you try and k*ll Mrs. Goofy

so you could have him all for yourself?

What are you talking about?

I had a vision.

You let me die

and then you stole my husband.

You're fired, Xing.

But I'm your psychic. You need me!

I'll find a new psychic.

One who's local

and on anti-depressants
to squelch her sex drive.

I see you rethinking this
after a good night's sleep.

Mm, I see you walking back to D.C.