01x04 - The Hand That Rocks the Mabel

[bunniefuu]

For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible Sack of Mystery.

When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears!

Of course!

That makes perfect sense! What a nice man!

MAN: That was totally worth the drive!

REPORTER: The tiger was badly injured in the expl*si*n.

But we repaired him with a fist!

(some CHIMES)

ALL: (CHEERING) Wow! Yeah! All right! Yeah!

-That tiger's a hero! -All right!

(ANNOUNCER READING)

Hey, look! It's that commercial I was telling you guys about.

ANNOUNCER: Are you completely miserable?

(sesame) Yes!

ANNOUNCER: Then you need to meet...

(WHISPERING) Gideon.

-Gideon? -What makes him so special?

He's a psychic!

(EXCLAIMS)

So don't waste your time with other so-called Men of Mystery.

(ROARS)

Learn about tomorrow tonight at Gideon's Tent of Telepathy!

Void where prohibited, no COD's accepted.

Carla, I've always loved you, but I've never had the guts to say it.

Wow! I'm getting all curious-y inside!

Well, don't get too curious-y!

Ever since that monster, Gideon, rolled into town, I've had nothing but trouble!

(HORNS BLARING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Gideon!

-Well, is he really psychic? -I think we should go and find out.

Never! You're forbidden from patronizing the competition!

No one that lives under my roof is allowed under that Gideon's roof!

Do tents have roofs?

I think we just found our loophole. Literally!

Mwop-mwop!

So come down soon, folks! Gideon is expecting you.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Step right up there, folks!

Put your money in Gideon's Psychic Sack!

-Only one thin dime. Thank you, ma'am. -Sure! Absolutely.

That makes perfect sense!

Whoa, this is like a bizzarro version of the Mystery Shack.

They even have their own Soos!

It's starting, it's starting!

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Let's see what this monster looks like.

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hello, America! My name is Lil Gideon!

(ALL CHEERING)

-That's Stan's mortal enemy? -But he's so widdle!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is such a gift to have you here tonight!

Such a gift.

I have a vision.

I predict you will soon all say...

Aw...

ALL: Aw...

It came true!

-What? I'm not impressed. -You're impressed.

Hit it, Dad!

Ah!

(SCREAMS)

(SINGING) Oh, I can see what others can't see It ain't some sideshow trick It's an innate ability Where others are blind I am future-ly inclined And you, too, could see if you wuz widdle 'ol me Come on, everybody, rise up! I want y'all to keep it going!

What... How did he...

Keep it g0il19!

You wish your son would call you more

-I'm leaving everything to my cats. -(YOWLS)

I sense that you've been here before What gave it away?

Come on!

I'll read your mind, if I'm able Something tells me you're named Mabel How'd he do that?

So welcome all ye to the Tent of Telepathy And thanks for visiting widdle ol' me

(PANTING) Oh, my goodness!

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you! You people are the real miracles!

Whoa'! Yeah!

Man, that kid's an even bigger fraud than Stan!

No wonder our uncle's jealous!

Oh, come on, his dance moves were adorable!

And did you see his hair? It was, like, whoosh!

-You're too easily impressed. -Yeah, yeah!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Check it out, Dipper! I successfully bezazzled my face!

Ow.

Is that permanent?

-I'm unappreciated in my time. -(DOORBELL RINGS)

STAN: Somebody answer that door!

I'll get it!

Howdy.

It's widdle ol' you!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, my song's quite catchy.

I... I know we haven't formally met, but after yesterday's performance, I just couldn't get your laugh out of my head!

You mean this one? (LAUGHS)

Oh, what a delight!

When I saw you in the audience, I said to myself, "Now there's a kindred spirit.

"Someone who appreciates the sparkly things in life."

That's totally me!

(CHOKING)

(SOFTLY) Enchanting. Utterly enchanting.

-STAN: Who's at the door? -No one, Grunkle Stan!

I appreciate your discretion. That Stan's no fan of mine.

I don't know how a lemon so sour could be related to a peach so sweet!

Gideon! (CHUCKLES)

What do you say we step away from here, and chat a bit more?

-Perhaps in my dressing room? -(GASPS)

Oh, makeovers! (HOOTS EXCITEDLY)

(CHUCKLES) Ow.

Do you see something you like? 'Cause I do.

(CHUCKLES) What?

Hey, Dipper! What's going on?

Whoa... Where have you been?

And what's going on with those fingernails?

You look like a wolverine.

I know, right? (ROARING)

I was hanging out with my new pal, Gideon!

He is one dapper little man!

Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head.

Oh, leave him alone! You never want to do girly stuff with me.

You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time.

-What do you mean? -Hey, dude!

You ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave, one by one?

Am I?

-(MICROWAVE BEEPING) -(BOTH LAUGHING)

-(HOT DOGS POPPING) -DIPPER: One at a time! One at a time!

SOOS: Oh, dude!

Whoa! The view from your family's factory is nuts!

Good thing we both brought our...

BOTH: Opera glasses!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Mabel, when I'm up here, looking down on all them little ol' people, (SOFTLY) I feel like I'm king of all I survey.

-I guess that makes you my queen. -What?

You are being so nice to me right now! Quit it!

I can't quit it. I am speaking from the heart.

From the where, now?

Mabel, I've never felt this close with anyone.

So, so close.

(GIDEON LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)

-Look, Gideon, I, um... -(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

I like you a lot, but let's just be friends.

At least just give me a chance.

Mabel, will you do me the honor of going on a date with me?

-A play date? -Mmm-mmm.

-A shopping date? -Mmm-mmm.

It'll be just one little 0|' date! I swear on my lucky bolo tie.

Um...

Okay, then. I guess.

Mabel Pines, you have made me the happiest boy in the world!

Are you sniffing my hair?

It's not a date-date.

It's just, you know, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and so I figured I'd throw him a bone.

Mabel, guys don't work that way! He's gonna fall in love with you!

(BLOWING RASPBERRIES) Yeah, right. I'm not that lovable.

Ka-boom! Yes!

Okay, we agree on something here.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-(WHINNIES) -(SCREAMS)

A night of enchantment awaits, my lady!

Oh, boy-

I can't believe they let us bring a horse in here!

Well, people have a hard time saying no to me.

Ah, Mr. Gideon, the feet on the table! An excellent choice!

Jean-Luc, what did we discuss about eye contact?

Yes, yes! Very good!

I've never seen so many forks! And water with bubbles in it?

Ooh la-la. Oui, oui.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I have no idea what you're saying.

Hey, hey! What the Jekyll is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon?

Oh, yeah, it's, like, a big deal.

Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight.

What?

That little shyster is dating my great-niece?

I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple.

Mabideon? Gideabel? (GASPS) May-Gid-Bel-Eon!

I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to!

Yeah, well it ends tonight.

I'm going right down to that little skunk's house.

This is going to stop right now!

Dude, wouldn't it be funny if that was a closet, and he had to come back out again and walk out the real door?

Nope. Real door.

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Gideon, you little punk! Open up!

I will pardon nothing!

Why, Stanford Pines!

What a delight!

Out of the way, Bud. I'm looking for Gideon.

Well, I haven't seen the boy around, but since you're here, you, you simply must come in for coffee!

-But, I came... -It's imported!

-All the way from Colombia! -Wow!

I went to jail there once!

(WHISTLES) Some digs you got here.

Oh! This! This is beautiful.

Now, I hear your niece and my Gideon are...

Well, they're singing in harmony lately, so to speak. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah! And I'm against it! (GRUNTS)

No, I10, no!

I see it as a fantastic business opportunity!

Yes. The Mystery Shack and the Tent of Telepathy!

We've been at each other's throats for far too...

Let me get that...

At each other's throats for far too long, yes, we have!

This is our big chance to brush aside our rivalry, and pool our collective profits, you see.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

I'm listening.

And so I said, "Autograph your own head, short lady!"

(GASPS) Yeah.

Mabel, tonight's date was a complete success!

And tomorrow's date promises to top this one in every way!

Whoa, whoa! You said just one date. And this was it!

Hark! What a surprise!

A Red Crested South American Rainbow Macaw!

(EXCLAIMS)

Two, three, four...

Mabel, will you accompany Gideon to the ballroom dance this Thurbday?

Thursday.

-Aw, so adorable! -Gideon's got a girlfriend!

They're expecting us. Please say you'll go?

ALL: Aw...

Gideon, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to say...

-I'm on the edge of my seat! -This is gonna be adorable!

If she says no, I'll die from sadness!

I can verify that that will indeed happen.

(ALL TALKING IN DISTINCTLY)

Hey! How did it go?

I don't know. I have a lobster now.

Well, at least it's over and you won't ever have to go out with him again.

Mabel? It's over, right? Mabel?

Blargh! He asked me out again, and I didn't know how to say no!

Like this. "No."

It's not that easy, Dipper!

And I do like Gideon as a friend, slash, little sister!

So I didn't want to hurt his feelings!

I just need to get things back to where they used to be.

You know, friends!

Boatin' at night! Boatin' at night! (CHUCKLING)

You know, I thought dancing was going to be the end of the evening, right?

Don't you want this evening to last, my sweet?

No! I mean, yes.

I mean, I'm always happy to hang out with a friend.

Buddy. Pal. Chum. Other word for friend.

-Pal? -I already said pal. Uh, mate?

How about soul mate?

Well, you can't say no to that!

He's so nice, but I can't keep doing this, but I can't break his heart.

I have no way out!

What in the heck happened on that date?

I don't know! I was in the friend zone.

And then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone!

It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand!

Mabel, come on.

It's not like you're going to have to marry Gideon.

Great news, Mabel! You have to marry Gideon!

What?

It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful!

There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing.

Plus, I got this shirt!

Ugh, I am fat!

(SCREAMING)

Bodies change, honey! Bodies change.

Oh, no. Mabel?

Mabel's not here. She's in Sweater Town.

Are you gonna come out of Sweater Town?

Mmm...

All right. Enough is enough!

If you can't break up with Gideon, then I'll do it for you.

You will?

-Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! -Okay, all right, all right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, Dipper Pines, how are you? You look good, you look good.

Thanks. You, uh...

Look, Gideon. We've gotta talk. Mabel isn't joining you tonight.

She, uh... She doesn't want to see you anymore.

(CHUCKLES) She's... She's kind of weirded out by you.

No offense!

So what you're saying is, you've come between us.

You're not gonna, like, freak out or anything are you?

Of course not! These things happen. (CHUCKLES) Bygones, you know.

So, okay, cool. Well then, again, sorry man, but... Hey!

Thumbs up, huh?

Thumbs up, indeed, my friend.

How did it go? Was he mad?

Did he try to read your mind with his psychic powers?

Don't worry Mabel, he's just a kid! He doesn't have any powers.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Dipper Pines. You don't know what you've done!

You've just made the biggest mistake of your life!

Yeah!

Gideon Charles Gleeful! Clean up your room this instant!

I can buy and sell you, old man!

Fair enough.

Hit me, dude!

-(DIPPER GRUNTS) -(BOTH LAUGH)

Feels good.

I'm so glad everything's back to normal!

(PHONE RINGING)

-Your turn! -Your turn! Oh, man!

Yello?

Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper!

Oh! Hey, man!

Sorry for accusing you of m*rder last week.

Water under the bridge!

Say! We want to interview you about whether you've seen anything unusual in this here town

-since you've arrived! -Oh, finally!

I thought nobody would ever ask! I have notes and theories!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh...

Four-one-two, Gopher Road.

Tonight? Got it.

There! I did your dirty work.

Now it's time to pay your end of the bargain!

Shondra Hermenes' phone number! Bless you, Lil Gideon!

Hello? (ECHOING)

Hello, friend.

(SCOFFS) Gideon!

Dipper Pines, how long have you been living in this town?

A week? Two? You like it here? Enjoy the scenery?

What do you want from me, man?

Listen carefully, boy.

This town has secrets you couldn't begin to comprehend!

Is this about Mabel? I told you, she's not into you!

Liar! You turned her against me!

She was my peach dumpling!

Are you okay, man?

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

HOWDY!

Reading minds isn't all I can do!

But... But... You're a fake!

Tell me, Dipper, is this fake?

(DOOR OPENS)

How's that hair tasting, buddy?

Wendy, I need some advice. You've broken up with guys, right?

Oh, yeah. Russ Durham, Eli Hall, Stony Davidson...

I don't know what's wrong with me!

I thought everything was back to normal, but I still feel all gross.

Mike Worley, Nate Holts. Oh, that guy with the tattoos.

Maybe letting Dipper do it for me was a mistake.

Gideon deserves an honest break up.

Danny Feldman, Mark Epstein...

Oh, man, I'm not sure I ever actually broke up with him.

No wonder he keeps calling me!

I know what I gotta do. Thanks for talking to me, Wendy!

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

-Ignore! -(PHONE BEEPS)

(GIDEON CHUCKLING)

Ooh!

Whoa! (GRUNTS)

Grunkle Stan was right about you! You are a monster!

Your sister will be mine!

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

(DOLL LAUGHING)

-Who's a cute little guy? You are! -DOLL: No, you are!

(GRUNTS)

She's never gonna date you, man!

That's a lie!

And I'm gonna make sure you never lie to me again, friend.

(STRAINING)

Gideon! We have to talk.

Mabel! My marshmallow! What are you doing here?

I'm sorry, Gideon, but I can't be your marshmallow.

I needed to be honest and tell you that myself.

(STUTTERS) I don't understand.

(STRAINING CONTINUES)

Uh... Mabel, this probably isn't the best time to be brutally honest with him.

Hey, but we can still be makeover buddies, right?

Wouldn't you like that?

Really?

No! Not really!

You were, like, attacking my brother! What the heck?

My tie! Give it back!

Ha! Not so powerful without this, are you?

-(GIDEON YELLS) -Dipper!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Listen, Gideon, it's over. I will never ever date you.

-Yeah! -(BOTH GRUNT)

My powers!

Oh, this isn't over.

This isn't the last you'll see of widdle 0|' me.

(EXHALES)

This is living, brother.

From now on it's all name brand foods and clown paintings.

Well, hey, Gideon, look who I...

Stanford Pines, I rebuke thee!

I rebuke thee!

"Rebuke?" Is that a word?

The entire Pines family have invoked my fury!

You will all pay recompense for your transgressions!

What, you got, like, a word-a-day calendar or something?

(STUTTERS) But, sunshine, what about our arrangement with Mabel and the...

Silence!

Well, I see he's taken to one of his rages again.

Sorry, Stan. I have to side with Gideon on this one.

Okay! Okay! I can see when I'm not wanted.

Stan, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna need that painting back.

Stan! Stan!

Try and catch me, suckers!

(SIGHS)

I could have had it all.

What the heck happened to you two?

-Gideon. -Gideon.

Gideon.

Yeah, the little mutant swore vengeance on the whole family.

(CHUCKLES) I guess he's gonna try to nibble my ankles or something.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. How's he gonna destroy us now, huh?

Try to guess what number we're thinking of?

He'll never guess what number I'm thinking of.

Negative eight!

No one would guess a negative number!

(ALL LAUGH)

-Oh, look out, I'm real scared! -Look out!

Bet he's planning our destruction right now.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Gideon, I still love you! If only my family weren't in the way...

Look at me, I am old, and I'm smelly!

Hey, what are you gonna do without your precious amulet?

Oh, you'll see, boy.

You'll see.

-You're done? -Not yet.

-How about now? -Almost.

And there!

Let's do this.

(ELECTRO MUSIC PLAYING)

You're all fired.