01x06 - Dipper vs. Manliness

[bunniefuu]

CUTE BIKER: I like to get my Christmas shopping done early.

Do you have anything that's in the spirit of the season?

Uh... How about these crystals?

(CHUCKLES) That looks like broken glass.

What are you, a COP?

Oh! What is that new thing?

Grunkle Stan?

Can we go to the diner?

We're hungry!

Hungry!

(BOTH GROANING)

Yeah, sure. Soon as this yahoo makes up his mind.

Do you have this in another animal?

I'm fine locking him inside, if you are.

Puma shirt, panther shirt.

-Puma shirt, panther shirt. -(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Puma shirt...

Panther shirt!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Shoo! Git!

(CHATTERING)

Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

(CHEERING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Lazy Susan, there's my little ray of sunshine.

Where were you yesterday?

I got hit by a bus.

(LAUGHING)

Hilarious!

Thank you! (LAUGHING)

You do split plates, right?

Maybe! Wink!

Great! We'll all split a one-fourth of the Number Seven, plus a free salad dressing for the lady, and a small plate of ketchup for the boy.

But, Grunkle Stan, I want pancakes!

With the fancy flour they use these days? (SCOFFS)

What am I, made of money? Tap-tap.

Aw...

-(CRACKING KNUCKLES) -Don't worry, guys, pancakes are on me!

I'm gonna win some by b*ating that manliness tester.

"Manliness tester?"

"b*ating?"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

He says... He says he's...

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

What? What's so funny?

Oh, no offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington. (CHUCKLES)

Hey! I am too Manly Manny... Or whatever it is you said!

Look, face the music, kid.

You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes.

And let's not forget last Tuesday's incident.

(SINGING) Disco girl, coming through That girl is you

(SHOUTING) Don't come in, don't come in!

You were listening to girly, Icelandic pop sensation Babba?

No! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I wasn't... It's not important!

Look, come on, guys, I'm plenty masculine.

You see this chest hair?

-Put it away! Put it away! -So smooth! My eyes!

Oh, man!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Fine, family-of-little-faith! Get ready to eat your words!

And a plate of delicious pancakes.

All right, Dipper. Time to manhandle this man-handle.

And a one, and a two...

Quit stalling!

(DIPPER GRUNTING)

(STRAINING)

(BABY GURGLING)

Aw, what?

(SCOFFING) This thing must be broken!

It's totally broken, guys! It's like a million years old.

Probably ran out of steam power, or...

(CRACKING KNUCKLES)

It's rickety, man. You shouldn't even...

Yeah! Pancakes for everyone!

(ALL CHEERING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I need to get some chest hair, and fast.

-(CHATTERING) -(GRUNTS)

I'm fine! (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Everything's fine.

Yeesh! How am I related to that?

Come on, Grunkle Stan. I'm sure deep down you have a soft side, too.

Ha! Nothing in here but a cold, dark, empty soul.

Food!

Thanks, there, sugar pot. I mean, honey wasp.

Kitten baby. Baby, baby cow...

(LAUGHS) Silly! Silly man.

What was that about?

Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet?

Wait just a second.

I think I have an idea happening here. You...

-STAN: No! -And her...

-STAN: Stop it! -(SCREAMING) Oh!

-Oh, boy. -You have a thing for Lazy Susan!

You do have a soft side!

But... Keep it down, will you? All right, I admit it, okay?

It would be nice if she liked me.

But I've been out of the game for so long, I wouldn't know where to start!

I mean, look at her! She's so classy.

Spin, you dumb pies, spin!

Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man.

But we will get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of...

-Love? -Mabel To victory!

"Not manly enough." Stupid diner. Stupid lumberjack.

(SPUTTERING)

Another hydrant destroyed! It's a gosh-danged mystery.

Wanna take off our uniforms and run around in circles?

Quit reading my mind.

(BOTH SQUEALING AND GIGGLING)

Oh! I'm sorry, I was looking for the mailman.

Oh! What, are you saying I'm not a "male" man?

Is that what you're trying to say?

I'm not male? I'm... I'm not a man? Is that... Is that what you're getting at?

Are you crying?

(WHIMPERING)

DIPPER: TWO, (STRAINING) three, (STRAINING) four...

(PANTING)

No chest hair yet.

Is it physical? Is it mental? What's the secret?

You said it, brother! I need help.

(RUMBLING)

(ROARING)

(ANIMALS CHITTERING)

For the love of all that's holy, run!

(ROARING)

(THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS)

(SHRIEKING)

Wait, sorry.

Aah! (COUGHING)

(DIPPER GASPING)

(GROWLING)

(YAWNS)

Please don't eat me! I haven't showered in, like, a week.

And I'm... I'm, like, all elbows! Elbows and gristle!

-You -(SHRIEKS)

Gonna finish that?

No.

(MUNCHING)

Can't believe it. Part animal, part human.

Are you some kind of minotaur?

I'm a manotaur! Half man, half, uh...

Ha“ taut!

So did I, like, summon you or...

The smell of jerky summoned me! Jerky!

(GRUNTS)

(ROARS)

(LAUGHS)

(SNIFFING)

1 smell (SNIFFING)

Emotional issues.

I got problems, manotaur. Man-related problems.

-Well, my own uncle called me a wimp. -(GRUNTING) Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And I kind of flunked this manliness video game thing.

Mmm...

Hey! You know, you seem pretty manly.

Maybe you could give me some pointers?

Hmm. Very well! Climb atop my back hair, child!

-(FLIES BUZZING) -Uh... Okay.

MANOTAU R: Yes! Yes!

-(DIPPER GASPING) -(MANOTAUR LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

Dude, watch out!

(MANOTAUR GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Whoa!

(ALL GRUNTING)

This place is amazing!

The gnomes live in the trees, the mer-people live in the water, 'cause they're losers!

But we manotaurs crash in the man cave!

(some RINGING)

Beasts! I have brought you a hairless child!

-'Sup. -MANOTAURS: Huh?

This is Pubertor, Testosteraur, Pituitor.

And I'm Chutzpar. And you are?

My name's Dipper.

-(ALL JEERING) -Weak!

The, uh, Destructor?

-Yeah, that's better. -Yeah.

(some RINGING)

Dipper the Destructor wants us to teach him the secrets to our manliness!

I need your help. Look at this, guys. Look at this!

I must confer with the high council.

So, teach him our man secrets or what?

He's a human! I don't like him.

I don't like your face!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

-I like these guys. -(MANOTAUR SCREAMS)

Okay, Grunkle Stan! Welcome to the first clay of whatever is left of your life!

-First, a "before" picture. -(SHRIEKING)

I never miss a scrap-book-or-tunity!

Diddlydum... Memories Bleep. Let's start out with some role-playing.

Soos will play Lazy Susan.

I'm soft, like a woman.

Grunkle Stan, show me how you approach a woman.

Remember, this is a safe, non-judgmental environment.

I'll just be right off to the side, judging you on a scale from one to ten.

(SPITTING)

Can I borrow some money?

(MABEL BLOWING WHISTLE)

This is going to be harder than I thought.

After a lot of punching, we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets.

Denied! (GRUNTS)

Denied?

Okay. Fine. That's okay with me.

Obviously you guys think it would be too hard to train me!

Maybe you're not man enough to try!

ALL: Huh?

Not man enough?

Destructor...

Not man enough?

He didn't mean it.

I have three Y chromosomes, six Adam's apples, pecs on my abs and fists for nipples!

Seems to me you're scared to teach me how to be a man.

Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like...

(MIMICKING CHICKEN)

Oh, that's weird... (CLUCKING)

Is that... (CLUCKING)

That sounds like... (CLUCKING) Yeah, a bunch of chickens.

-(ALL GASP) -(ALL WHISPERING)

I feel all weird.

He's using some sort of brain magic.

After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you become a man!

ALL: (CHANTING) Man! Man! Man! Man! Man!

Great! Thanks, guys. Whatever it is, I will not let you down.

(EAGLE SCREECH ES)

Being a man is about conquering your fears!

For your first man-task, you must plunge your fist into the pain hole!

-(ALL GASPING) -The what?

Pain hole, shmain hole...

(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

Are you sure this is really necessary?

You want to be a man, don't you?

ALL: (CHANTING) Man! Man! Man! Man! Man! Man!

(DIPPER SCREAMING)

All right, let's try to get that inner beauty on the outside!

Smile harder.

(STRAINING)

-Harder. -(STRAINING)

Perfect. Soos!

-'Sup, hambone? -What do you think?

(SCREAMING)

(SIGHS) This is going to take some really great training music.

('80s SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING)

When a tiger roars And the mountain cries You gotta dream the dream You gotta win the prize You're gonna go the miles You're gonna face the trials Never miss out on the sights to see You gotta believe your beliefs are real Now you're drinking from a fire hydrant Teach your uncle how to wear a cummerbund Now you're gonna jump a crazy gorge Keep on shaving that hairy uncle Uh...

I don't really know what's happening in this part Yeow!

Your heart's on fire and the fire is in your heart

(YELPS)

Who wants to rub this on my back?

Guys, I just wanna say that these last few hours have been...

I feel like there's really been some growth.

I have a growth!

Glurk, you are hilarious today!

(SIGHING) It's just, you guys took me under your wing and have just been so supportive.

Oh, stOP-

No, you know what? You really have been.

I feel like I'm finally becoming a man here.

Not yet, Destructor! One final task remains...

-Hey, quit it! -You quit it!

The deadliest trial of all!

I've survived 49 other trials. Whatever it is, bring it on!

ALL: Yeah!

Behold our leader, Leaderar!

(HUMMING WISTFULLY)

Is he, like, the oldest or wisest or...

Greetings, young...

(SCREAMING)

Nah, he's just the offering. That is Leaderar!

-(OLD MANOTAUR SCREAMING) -(GULPING)

You! You wish to be man?

(GRUNTING)

ALL: Yeah!

Then you must do heroic act. Go to highest mountain.

(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

(GASPING)

And bring back head of the Mum-Bear!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

The "Multi-Bear"? Is that some sort of bear?

He's our sworn enemy!

Conquer him, and your mansformation will be complete.

Conquer? I don't know, man.

Destructor, is this yours?

Uh, no! I don't know whose that is.

I was just borrowing it. It's friend's, not mine.

(ALL GRUMBLING)

I don't know about this.

Uh...

Hmm.

I shall conquer the Multi-Bear!

(ALL CHEERING)

(YELPING) I'm okay.

I'm coming for you, Mum-Bear.

Okay, Grunkle Stan. You started like this, but you became...

Can I scratch myself now?

No! No, no, no! Is that throw-up on your shirt?

I don't know how to answer that.

(SIGHS)

Face it, Mabel, your uncle's unfixable.

Like that spinning pie trolley-thing in the diner.

Grunkle Stan, come with me.

And leave your pants at home!

With pleasure!

(BONES CRUNCHING)

What is a Multi-Bear?

(GROWLING)

(GROWLING)

Oh, that's a Mum-Bear.

(ROARING)

Bear heads. Silence!

(WHIMPERING)

Child, why have you come here?

Mum-Bear, 1 seek your head! Or one of them, anyway.

There's like, what, six? Six heads?

This is foolish! Leave now or die!

So be it!

(ALL ROARING)

(SNARLING)

-Ha! -(ROARING)

-(DIPPER PANTING) -(GROWLING)

(DIPPER GRUNTING)

(ROARING)

A real man shows no mercy!

(SIGHING)

Very well, warrior.

But will you grant a magical beast one last request?

Uh... Okay.

I wish to die listening to my favorite song.

Tape is already in there. You could just hit any...

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Press and hold.

Disco girl coming through That girl is you...

You listen to Icelandic pop group Babba? I love Babba.

I thought I was the only one.

All the manotaurs make fun of me because I know all the words to the song Disco Girl.

Oh, you mean...

(SINGING) Disco girl

(SINGING) Coming through BOTH: That girl is you Ooh ooh

(LAUGHING)

Oh! This is crazy. Finally, someone who understands...

Oh, yeah.

I guess I'm supposed to k*ll you? Or I'll never be a man?

I accept my fate.

No. Really?

It's for the best.

(GRUNTS)

(ALL GASPING)

I'm not gonna do it!

You were told the price of manhood is the Multi-Bear's head!

Listen, Leaderar, all right? You, too, Testosteraur, Pituitor, and...

I don't know, whatever your name is, Beard y.

It's Beard y.

You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks, and being aggro all the time.

But I'm starting to think that stuff's malarkey!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

You heard me! Malarkey!

So maybe I don't have muscles, or hair in certain places.

And sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio sometimes I leave it on.

'Cause dang it, Top 40 hits are in the Top 40 for a reason! They're catchy!

Destructor! What are you saying?

I'm saying the Multi-Bear is a really nice guy.

And you're a bunch of jerks if you want me to cut off his head!

(GROWLING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

k*ll the Multi-Bear or never be a man!

Then I guess I will never be a man.

(ALL BOOING)

Weak!

(ALL JEERING)

Lame!

Hey, guys. Who wants to go build something and knock it down?

ALL: Man! Man! Man! Man! Man! Man! Man! Man!

Spin. spin.

(BELL TINKLING)

Lazy Susan. Listen, I know he's not much to look at, but you're always fixing stuff in the diner.

And if you like fixing stuff, nothing could use more fixing than my Grunkle Stan.

Also, women live longer than men, so your dating pool is smaller, and you should really lower your standards.

So, Lazy Susan. (CHUCKLES) What do you say?

(SIGHING)

Hey. Here's my number.

Why don't you give me a call sometime?

-Really? -Really! (LAUGHING)

Also, here's some pie. On the house. For you.

(SQUEALING)

We did it! When are you going to call? You want to call now?

I don't have a phone. Let's buy a phone.

We can put it on a credit card. Let's get a credit card.

Mabel! Let a man enjoy his pie, huh?

Dipper! It's me, Mabel! I'm looking at you through the glass!

Right here. This is my voice! I'm talking to you from inside!

-Did you see me through the... -Yes.

What's wrong?

-I don't want to talk about it. -Good.

It's just these half-man, half-bull humanoids

-were hanging out with me... -Here we go.

But then they wanted me to do this really tough, horrible thing, but it just wasn't right. So I said no.

You were your own man and you stood up for yourself.

-Huh? -You did what was right, even though no one agreed with you.

Sounds pretty manly to me. But what do I know?

Wait a minute. Do my eyes deceive me?

You have a chest hair!

(GASPING)

You're right! I do!

(LAUGHING) This is amazing! I really do!

Take that, man tester! Take that, Pituitor!

-Pituitor? -This guy has chest hair!

Scrap-book-or-tunity!

Don't worry, kid. If you're anything like me, there's more where that came from.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, gross!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Seriously, that's disgusting.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, not again!

(WOMAN ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Message number 36.

SUSAN: Hey, handsome. It's me Lazy Susan, calling to say hi.

Hi! My cats also wanted to say hi.

-Say hi, Donald. -(CAT MEWLING)

-Good. Sandy, you say hi. -(CAT MEWLING)

-Mr. Catface, now it's your turn to say... -(CAT YOWLING)

-Mr. Catface! -(CAT YOWLING)

-Anyway, call me! Call me back! -(MACHINE BEEPS)

How do I get out of this?